


Twice in a Lifetime

by SadieIRL



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Dating, Dissociative Identity Disorder, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Human Gems (Steven Universe), Single Parents, Widowed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2018-07-23
Packaged: 2019-02-20 01:16:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 33
Words: 210,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13136094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SadieIRL/pseuds/SadieIRL
Summary: When Jasper is left unexpectedly widowed, she's at a loss as to how to pick up the pieces and move on without the love of her life.  However, with the help of her sister, Amethyst and good friends like Garnet and Greg, she finally steps back into the world of dating to see if love can indeed strike twice in a lifetime.COMPLETED!! 7/23/18





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> While writing Earning her Stripes I got two requests quite often, which was for A) a sequel and B) a story about what if Jasper had survived.  
> I had planned to write a Christmas story that filled those two requirements, however, though I got around to writing up most of it, I quickly lost interest and if I'm not interested in writing it, I doubt anyone will want to read it - honestly, it had little in the way of a real plot involving any conflict.  
> However, about the same time, I started my own journey into dating again after a long-term relationship ended and I got the idea for this story here, so I hope you enjoy it.  
> I have not used relationship tags because I'd like any relationships to be surprises.

** Twice in a Lifetime **

** Prologue **

                Allie had bugged her mom for two solid weeks before Jasper gave in and said they could put the tree up.  It wasn’t exactly hard as she and her husband decided their first Christmas together that they would get a tree with lights already on it so they didn’t have to deal with detangling and stringing lights on a tree.  And no real trees – those got messy – so, she set up the artificial one from the attic and supervised as the seven-year-old placed ornaments on the branches.  Jasper smiled as she pulled out the ornament of a bride and groom with the year she had married the love of her life. 

                Jasper’s past had been…complicated…to say the least, not to mention traumatic in some areas.  She’d built walls around her heart, convinced no one would break them down.  Then, Bismuth had entered with chisel in hand, determined to chip away at it until she let him in.  As much as she’d tried to tell him she wasn’t interested – even though she had been – he’d persisted.  He’d complimented her on her long hair, on her strength, her eyes…he’d offered her chocolate and she’d refused because she didn’t like M&Ms and figured he was after one thing.  She’d reminded him they were both in the Middle East to fight a war, not find love.  “Love finds who it finds, Tiger,” he’d said with a wink. 

                The bricks had started crumbling away when they started exercising together and talking more.  He’d liked her laugh and always tried to tell her jokes.  They discussed their interests and helped keep each other strong during the long deployment.   It helped to talk of home with someone who understood the sacrifices they’d signed up for.  She couldn’t exactly pinpoint when she’d fallen for him too, but knew there came a time her heart fluttered when she saw him and that electricity shot through her when his hand touched hers. 

                Bismuth finally broke down those walls during a hand-to-hand combat training when a simple move triggered horrible memories in her brain and later on, she cleared away the rubble as she told him about a deeply personal incident in her life she rarely discussed.  She’d never forget the adoration in his dark eyes, the way the moonlight fell across the couple or how his fingers gently brushed her cheek as he told her he would never do anything to hurt her.  She remembered how her heart skipped a beat when he asked permission to finally kiss her and she’d granted it.  It had taken him nearly five months to get to the point where her heart lay before him, exposed and vulnerable and the wind swept away the last grains of sand left of the wall that had encased it as he softly pressed his lips against hers.

                They’d gotten married almost two years later in a small courthouse wedding.  The following year, Allie had been born.  She hadn’t been exactly planned, but they had discussed kids at some point.  They’d also discussed furthering their family, but the timing was never right.  It didn’t matter; their daughter was the perfect combination of both of them.  She had her father’s cheeks and nose; her eyes and smile were from her mother.  And that hair…long and unruly like her mother’s mane, but the consistency was coarse like her father’s.  It was a nightmare to get untangled and brushed in the morning.  Allie had Jasper’s adventurous spirit and her sass, but also Bismuth’s patience and caring nature.

                “Dad _is_ coming home before Christmas, right?” Allie asked. 

                “That’s the plan.”  However, she knew very well that with the Army things didn’t always go as planned.  Last time she’d been deployed, her arrival date home had been pushed out twice.  It was always difficult being separated and her heart longed for the day he’d step off that plane and they’d rush to each other, embracing after eighteen long months.  She missed the way their fingers intertwined perfectly together.  She missed sharing the same bed, though didn’t miss his snoring…no, she even missed that.  Jasper couldn’t wait to hear Allie squeal with laughter when her dad picked her up and spun her around. 

                “I can’t wait to see my girls again,” he’d said on video chat last night.  “I’m looking forward to Christmas with you two.”

                Jasper had stared longingly at the screen as if memorizing his perfect smile and couldn’t wait to really lock eyes with him again to stare into the recesses of his soul he only shared with her.  “I love you…” 

                “I love you too,” he’d replied, his voice dripping with sincerity.

                It was starting to get dark outside and Jasper considered clicking the light on, but seeing the illuminated tree shimmering, she just couldn’t.  She sat cross-legged on the floor admiring it, from the smallest lights on the bottom, to the rainbow orbs adorning the branches and finally up to the top where an angel watched over them.  Allie sat in her mother’s lap and leaned back so Jasper could pull her into a hug.  “I’m glad we’ll all be together.” 

                “Me too.”  Jasper kissed the top of her daughter’s head.

                “You know what the tree needs?” 

                “What?” 

                “Presents under it!” 

                Jasper roared with laughter.  “Does it now?  Well, I hope you’ve been good this year.”  She chuckled and moved away as a knock on the door broke through the moment.  She flicked the light on and went to the foyer to look through the peephole. 

                That was the moment she could feel the grinding halt of her world…before she even opened the door to hear what the two men in uniform had to say, her blood ran cold.  There was another knock and even as her mind screamed ‘no’ repeatedly, she knew she had to answer.  She looked over her shoulder briefly at Allie who smiled before she turned the knob and opened the door.  “Yes.”

                The men introduced themselves and one of them asked: “Are you the wife of Sergeant Bismuth Cordero?” 

                It took a moment to find her voice which came out in a whisper.  “Yes.”

                When asked, she allowed them into the house.  Allie approached slowly and stood in front of her mother.  Jasper put her hands on her daughter’s shoulders.  Which one of them was better off –Jasper, who knew full well what was coming or Allie, who had no idea and smiled at the men as though they might be here with good news.

                The scripted words were a backdrop to her thoughts as she caught sight of their wedding photo on the wall.  She remembered the vows they’d spoken to each other, their voices echoing in her head…

_“I, Bismuth, take you, Jasper, to be my wife…”_

_“To have and to hold…”_

“The Secretary of the Army has asked me to express his deep regret…”

 

_“For richer or poorer…”_

_“In sickness and in health…”_

“That your husband, Sergeant Bismuth Cordero…”

_“In joy and in sorrow…”_

_“To love and to cherish…”_

_“To honor and respect…”_

“Was killed in action…”

_“And I pledge all my love to you until death do us part.”_

_“Until death do us part…”_

“…deepest sympathy to you and your family in your tragic loss.”

                Jasper took a step back so she was against the wall.  She wasn’t sure how her heart could still be beating as broken as it now was.  The air had left her lungs. 

                “Ma’am…”

                Her knees gave out and she felt herself hit the floor. 

                “Mom.”  Allie’s voice sounded like it was coming from underwater.

                Jasper was vaguely aware of taking a shaky breath and from somewhere in the distance she heard a wild scream like that of an animal so wounded it knew it might not survive.  It wasn’t until it was more pronounced…closer…that she knew what it was as her fist hit the hardwood floor.  Hot tears sprang from her eyes like a geyser.  She was the one screaming. 


	2. Sign Me Up

** Chapter 1 – Sign Me Up **

**Four Years Later**

                “How were your holidays?” Garnet asked as she logged in at one of the computers in the weight room office. 

                “Quiet,” Jasper replied.  “We don’t really do much.  You?” 

                “I flew overseas to visit my folks.  We had a huge dinner and watched the Doctor Who special.” 

                Jasper gave an amused laugh.  “I didn’t peg you for a fan.” 

                Garnet surveyed her daily schedule.  “I’m not so much, but…it’s tradition, you know.  Lots of people for orientation today.” 

                “Yeah, it’s January,” Jasper commented, attaching a tracking sheet to a clipboard.  Her eyes skimmed the form listing the different machines they had.  Her first client was a fifty-nine-year-old woman, so she’d have to likely give her an easy routine.  Jasper sighed and looked around the office at motivational posters and then out the glass window at the packed weight room.  As soon as she’d been able to retire from the Army, she had, determined she’d be around for her daughter.  She was now a certified personal trainer, which was great as it allowed her to inspire others to live active lifestyles and came with a free gym membership so she could keep up her own health.  Over her two years there, she’d become friends with Garnet, who was one of the other trainers.  “You know most of these people won’t be regulars come next month.” 

                “Don’t say that.” 

                Jasper gave her a no-nonsense looked and Garnet nodded before leaving.  The gym had a record number of new members, as they did every January, when people said they were going to get in shape and lose weight.  Inevitably, in February, a lot would lose their motivation and by April or so, the number of members would drop.  She headed out to the floor to meet her first appointment. 

*

                Her life consisted of work and home, of Allie, who kept her busy and filled her otherwise dull existence with joy.  Jasper entered the house immediately hit with the tempting aroma of something delicious from the kitchen and Allie was rushing up to her to give her the news of the day.  Her daughter was a chatterbox, which she had to get from her aunt, Amethyst, who was busy cooking dinner.  Allie had grown and was tall for eleven, still very much a child, but there were signs this would start to change in the next year or so.  In fact, Amethyst had given her a training bra for Christmas, which Allie wore despite the fact she had next to nothing to fill it with.

                “And they said we have to participate in the science fair even though I don’t want to…” Allie said.  “I mean, all the smart kids will have much better projects.”

                “You’re smart,” Jasper told her.  “And don’t ever think otherwise.  We’ll come up with some project you can present.”  She entered the kitchen and greeted her sister.  “What did you make?” 

                “Stroganoff,” Amethyst replied simply.  “I’m actually going on a date tonight, so I need to get ready.” 

                “And you will be back tonight, right?”  Jasper asked.

                “Uh…yeah, not sure how late though.”  Amethyst winked and retreated to her room. 

                Their arrangement worked, living together.  Both were single and both had children to raise.  Jasper patted her niece, Crystal on the head as the girl busied herself with a coloring book.  She was five and generally well-behaved but like any child could be a handful.  Jasper and Amethyst helped each other, supported each other, cared for the other’s children.  They were a family and Jasper couldn’t imagine breaking that up by even trying to date.  However, Amethyst had never been married; Crystal was an even bigger surprise than Allie had been.  Amethyst turned out to be an amazing mother and her love for Crystal was evident in how she tried to find a father figure for her that was around more than every other weekend.  Not that Crystal’s dad didn’t love her – he certainly did, but he lived three hours away in Empire City and was married with two other children. 

                Jasper didn’t see the point in looking.  There was no chance she’d find anyone who could come close to Bismuth.  She was glad to see Amethyst had taken the Christmas tree down.  The season held little joy for her.  The bright lights always seemed to remind her of the light that had left her life when he’d died.  Her fingers slid along the silver frame with his photo in it, displayed next to the triangular case holding the flag that had been draped over his coffin.  She’d stayed strong for Allie, but clearly remembered cold nights of crying herself to sleep.  Somehow, she’d picked herself up, found a way to live, but couldn’t say she’d really moved on.  She couldn’t imagine ever loving anyone the way she’d loved him; she couldn’t imagine _wanting_ to.  A love like theirs happened only once in a lifetime.  It was impossible for it to happen twice. 

*

                Her sister arrived home close to eleven that night, sliding the door closed quietly.  “Are the girls asleep?” 

                “No, I sent them out to the bar.”  Jasper rolled her eyes and turned back to watching the news.  “Yes, of course they’re in bed.” 

                Amethyst laughed and sat down, taking off her shoes.  “I had a good time.  He was a little geeky so I’m not sure I’ll see him again, but the sex was good at least.”

                “I don’t need to hear any more.”

                “I have another date Friday – with an engineer.” 

                “How the hell are you dating so much?  You work at home so I know you don’t go out.”  Jasper reflected on how Amethyst hardly ever left the house except to date or meet with her publishing company in Empire City.  Her sister had gained quite a reputation as an author of children’s books.

                Amethyst took her phone from her purse.  “I joined this site called Date Me Now.  You make a profile and you can chat with people and set up meetings and things.  I mean, I’m not looking for anything serious, just to get wined and dined and occasionally laid.  It works, though sometimes you gotta ignore the dick pics.” 

                “Wait, men actually send…pictures…of their…”

                “Um, yeah, where have you been?  Bismuth never did that?” 

                “No, he had class.”  Jasper snickered.  “Although, once when I was deployed he sent me ‘dudeoir’ pictures of himself.  I think the whole base heard me laughing at my dumb husband dressed up as a firefighter and lumberjack…”  The pictures weren’t that much of a turn on, but they reminded her of how silly he could be sometimes and she had kept them.  Truthfully, he’d never looked more handsome than when he was in full dress uniform.  Though, it didn’t matter if he was in that or a T-shirt and boxer shorts with a hole in them; once they’d gotten together, Jasper’s eye never strayed toward another man.  

                Amethyst took her earrings out and set them on the small table next to the couch.  “Listen, Jasps, I know you still miss Bismuth.  I’ve never been in love so I can’t imagine how much that hurt, but I don’t think he’d want you sitting here night after night and not moving on with your life.” 

                “I don’t sit here every night.  Some nights I take Allie to karate practice.”

                “He loved you so much and I think he’d want you to try and find love in your life again.”  

                Jasper leaned back against the plush couch and sighed as she clicked the TV off.  She actually had written him a letter, still in the frame of their wedding photo, giving him permission to move on, to love someone else, had she died in battle.  She’d hoped he’d written something and had searched for a letter, a card, had waited months for some surprise to come in the mail, but that wasn’t his way.  She felt blessed that he’d told her he loved her only a day before his death.  At least she’d been able to hear him say those words one last time. 

                “I was at your wedding, sis.  The vows you spoke were only until death and I think he’d want you to find someone to love and cherish you again, to live your life with.”

                She looked down, twisting her wedding ring around on her finger.  Four years later and she still hadn’t been able to bring herself to take it off.  “I still feel like…like I’d be cheating on him.  There are days I feel I’ve accepted it and days when reality is so hard I have to pretend he’s still on deployment.”

                “That’s one long ass deployment.”

                Despite her grief, Jasper laughed briefly.  Only her sister could make a comment like that at such a serious moment and somehow Jasper did not find it offensive.  “I’m not up on my dating game.” 

                “That’s okay.  I mean, you’re still young and you look amazing.  You could have your pick of guys.”

                Jasper had turned forty in October; she definitely was no spring chicken, but she looked slightly younger than her actual age and was definitely fit.  Perhaps someone would want her and even if they didn’t, she might get a couple of free meals out of it.  Wait…why was she even considering this?  “Isn’t it dangerous?” 

                “Not if you meet in a public place.”  Amethyst pulled out her laptop and settled it on her legs.  She quickly went to the Date Me Now site and entered Jasper’s e-mail and told her what she’d set the password to.  “Now, what are you looking for?” 

                “Men?” 

                “Well, yes, but they need to know who you are.”  Amethyst entered Jasper’s stats such as her age, height, ethnicity and hair and eye color.  “What should we put for your headline?  Oh…‘hot mama seeking a daddy for…’”

                “I will murder you.”

                Amethyst chortled.  “Okay, okay, how about ‘fit, fabulous and fun’?” 

                “Go on…”

                Her sister’s fingers flew across the keyboard entering Jasper’s interests into her description and in the end, she uploaded a few good photos of Jasper, including one of her in gym clothes that showed off her muscular arms and toned stomach.  “And now we wait…”

*

                By the next morning, she’d already gotten ten messages with only one that seemed like a prospect for meeting up.  “He’s in management, forty-five years old and he’s not bad looking either.” 

                “Does he say what kind of management?”  Garnet asked, still keeping an eye on the folks using the weights. 

                “No, but we’re talking about doing coffee this weekend.” 

                “What about the others?” 

                “I got three who started out with ‘hey baby’ – I refuse to even answer that, so one of them then calls me a bitch for not responding.  One who says he still lives with his mom and one who’s in his seventies.  A twenty-one-year-old looking for a MILF…”

                “That’s a mom…”

                “I _know_ what it means.  Just two who said ‘hi’ and so I said ‘hi’ back and they never responded and one unsolicited dick pic.” 

                Garnet laughed.  “Already?” 

                Jasper tilted her phone.  “It kind of looks like a crooked mushroom growing out of the grass.   Have you used one of these sites?” 

                “I have and I’ve met some interesting people.  There are good ones out there, I promise.”

                The sound of someone grunting came from nearby.  Jasper’s eyes were drawn to a man attempting to lift a barbell that was far too heavy.  She raised an eyebrow and made her way over to help him. “Sir, please be careful.   You don’t want an injury.” 

                The man looked up at her, his blue eyes surveying her figure.  He was at least two inches shorter than her five-foot-eleven frame.  He was possibly close to her age with half of his hair gone and the other half so long it reached past his rear.  His beard had a small amount of gray and while his limbs weren’t terribly huge, he had a beer gut covered by a plain white shirt.  He chuckled nervously.  “Yeah…I’m just trying to get in shape, you know – new year; new Greg.”

                “It’s nice to meet you, Greg.”  She extended her hand and noticed him twitch in discomfort as her grip was a little too strong.  “My name is Jasper and I’m one of the personal trainers and weight room staff here, so if you need help or even want a personal session, I’m here to assist.”

                “That might be good.  I honestly have no idea what I’m doing.  This was so much easier twenty years ago.” 

                “Muscles weaken if they’re not used regularly.”  Jasper picked up the sixty pound barbell with one hand easily and put it back on the rack and then handed him a twenty-pounder.  “Try that.”

                “Oh, well, I think I can do more than…” Greg must’ve noticed her giving him a look.  “Okay, yeah.” 

                “Give it three reps of fifteen then see how you feel.  If you still feel you can go on without a problem, up the weight by five pounds.”

                Greg began lifting.  “You know, Jasper, you seem like you know your stuff.  How much are personal sessions?” 

                “Usually fifty dollars a session, but we’re running a holiday special – if you buy six sessions at once, it’s only a hundred and fifty for all.  They can get you set up at the front desk.” 

                He lowered the weight, resting a few seconds between reps.  “And I just ask for Jasper…there’s a last name?” 

                She found herself smiling a little.  “Cordero.” 

                “Is that…Spanish?” 

                Jasper nodded slowly.  “Yes.” 

                “Are you Latina, or…?” 

                “Cordero is my married name; I’m Samoan.”  Although, Bismuth had been black, so she wasn’t at all sure where his last name had come from. 

                “That’s neat.  My last name is Universe; it’s American English…picked it out myself.” 

                “Greg Universe…” she said amused.  “Well, I look forward to helping you achieve your goals.”  She walked back over to where Garnet was keeping an eye on the room and felt her phone buzz.  Checking her messages on the app, she found someone had written: ‘I usually work on cars, but I’d like to service that…’ 

                Jasper deleted the message.

 


	3. Check, Please!

** Chapter 2 – Check, Please! **

                Jasper looked at herself in the mirror and wondered if the black dress pants were too much for a coffee date.  She’d chosen a long sleeved top in a deep blue that hugged her curves. She refused to cover her skin with foundation.  If her vilitigo turned men off, well then, that was their loss.  To cover it would have meant she was ashamed and would have been a bad example to Allie whose skin was also marbled in dark and light tones.  However, she did put on eye makeup and a small amount of brown lip gloss that tasted like cocoa. 

                Finally, she looked at her hands and her ring glared at her almost accusingly.  With trembling fingers, she slid it off and placed it on her dresser.  It felt unnatural after having worn it for so long. 

                “You look really pretty,” Allie said when she saw Jasper come out of her room. 

                “Thank you.”  She hugged her daughter and then put a coat on.  “I shouldn’t be out too long.” 

                “What if you…?”  Amethyst raised her eyebrows. 

                “That is not going to happen,” Jasper assured her.

                Amethyst came closer and slipped something flat and golden into her pocket.  “You know…just in case.” 

                Jasper rolled her eyes and left.  It didn’t take long to get to the small café only a few miles from her house and she stood just inside the door waiting for this man.  He arrived, looking much like his profile picture with neatly combed salt-and-pepper hair, flashing teeth that looked fake and was a little thicker around the waist than she had anticipated.  She reminded herself this was okay though, not everyone could be as fit as she was.  They confidently said hello, ordered drinks and sat at a round table near the window. 

                “So, you’re a personal trainer,” he started.  “Is that a challenging job?” 

                “It can be.  A lot of people don’t know what they’re capable of and it’s my job to encourage them to push their limits so they can get fit.”  She took off her coat and draped it over the side of the chair. 

                “Wow, well, you look incredible.” 

                Jasper took a sip of her coffee.  “Is management hard?” 

                “It has its challenges.  So, with so much exercise, I mean, it’s obvious you work on muscle strength and probably cardio.  Do you do anything to improve flexibility?” 

                “Oh sure, stretching is absolutely important.” 

                “How far can you bend back?  I mean, you’re pretty flexible, right?” 

                “Excuse me?” 

                “Because after coffee, I’d like to take you back to my place…”

                “Not interested.”

                “Just hear me out.  You’re clearly attractive and before we go any further, I just want to make sure the sex is good.” 

                Jasper slid her coat back on and wordlessly stood. 

                “Hey, we’re not done are we?” 

                “Yes.”

                “Come on…”  He grabbed her arm unexpectedly, startling her and found himself with a face full of hot coffee.  “Ow!  You bitch!”

                Jasper quickly walked out of the café, shaking her head.  This was a mistake; this whole online dating thing seemed to be only about sex.  Not that she couldn’t use a good night of physical pleasure, but she wasn’t just going to hop into bed with every man she met up with.  She wasn’t…well…Amethyst. She shoved her hands in her pockets, feeling the foil wrapped condom in the left one and was glad at least her sister used protection.  In fact, so would she if she ever got around to doing anything like that.  It had been a long time and while, sure, she had things she could do by herself, there was something to be said about holding another person close to you…about that connection that was made during physical intimacy.  She didn’t want just a one-time fling.  No, in the days before she met Bismuth, she’d gotten around…she had been a very loose woman indeed, but once love had been involved, she couldn’t go back to that.  Besides, that was in her early twenties; she was a little too old to be sleeping around now.

*

                That night she logged into her profile and took down the photo of herself in the sports bra, opting instead for one of her in workout clothes that covered a bit more and a nice full-body picture of her wearing a fitted orange sweater and black pants at a holiday party recently.  Hopefully, tasteful photos would cut down on the sex talk.  Her phone dinged and she read the message: _Send me a picture of you in a bra._

                That was it.  Time to get cheeky.  Opening her photo editing software she cropped a photo of her face, found a stock picture of a bra on a lingerie site and imposed her face into the cup, sending it to the man.  He replied: _Ugh, I need a handjob_. 

                _Are both yours broken_ , she asked.

                “What’s a handjob?” Allie asked from behind her. 

                Jasper jumped and closed the laptop.  “You’re supposed to be in bed!”

                “I can’t sleep.” 

                She put a comforting hand on Allie’s shoulder.  “Is something bothering you?” 

                “Yeah, the science fair is tomorrow and I don’t have a project.  I’m just going to bring in a cup of dirt, I guess…”

                Annoyance built up in her.  “You didn’t tell me it was _tomorrow_.  And you haven’t done _anything_?”

                Allie rolled her eyes.  “It’s stupid.” 

                “That doesn’t matter!  You were supposed to do a project and we’re going to stay up until we build a volcano or something!”

                Her daughter crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow looking so much like her it was hard not to laugh.  “Do _you_ know how to build a volcano?”

                Jasper’s eyes surveyed the living room and fell on the paper airplane Crystal had folded out of construction paper.  She took a breath and put her hands together.  “Get paper – lots of paper – scissors, tape and a yardstick.”  Once Allie rushed off, Jasper opened her laptop and opened a new browser tab to look up paper airplane designs. 

                It was well after eleven by the time they’d folded six different airplanes and measured how well each performed – both indoors and outdoors and put their findings on a poster board.  By then, Allie was definitely exhausted and went to bed without complaint.  Jasper returned to her computer to see that the previous man hadn’t responded, but she had one new message and tentatively opened it, reading: ‘ _What are you doing up so late?’_  

                ‘ _Helping my daughter with her school project_ ,’ she replied.

                ‘ _What grade?’_

_‘Fifth – she’s smart, but not interested in science.’_

_‘Do you have a picture of her?’_

_‘Excuse me?’_

_‘I want to see if she’s as pretty as her mother.’_

                Beyond disgusted, Jasper reported the man before blocking him and closed her laptop.

*

                “You’re doing great,” she told Greg as he struggled to finish his squats. 

                “I never realized how difficult this is,” he commented.  “I’m not sure I can finish.” 

                Jasper imagined how his muscles must be burning, while squats were incredibly easy for her, even holding a fifty pound medicine ball.  “Yes you can, you’re almost there.  You can do this!” 

                He groaned.  “I can do this!”  It took effort, but he pushed through the last few squats before discarding his ten pound ball on the rack.  He drained the rest of his water bottle and wiped his face with a towel.  “Wow, you don’t fool around.” 

                Jasper replaced her equipment and shrugged.  “You want to get in shape?  This is the way to do it.” 

                “Hey, I’m in shape.”  Greg patted his belly.  “Round is a shape.”

                She snickered.  “Yeah, not the shape we’re looking for.  Let’s finish with a five minute cool down walk around the track.”

                Greg refilled his water bottle at the fountain before they began walking.  “I really appreciate your help.” 

                “All I do is show you what to do.  Keeping it up, keeping a routine – that’s on you, but I promise if you keep it, you’ll see results.”  

                “What made you get into fitness?” he asked. 

                “The Army,” she replied.  “It’s kind of a requirement.” 

                “No wonder you have the command of a sergeant.” 

                Jasper laughed.  “That’s because I was.  I was Sergeant First Class when I retired.”

                “Thank you for your service.  It can’t have been easy.” 

                “Easy?  Heck no, but it was rewarding.  I can’t imagine living a sedentary lifestyle, so when it was time to move on, I thought about personal training or police work.  Training seemed safer and…”  She trailed off unsure if she wanted to get so personal with a client.

                “What?” 

                “I have a child to consider, so I need to be around for her.”  She was nervous bringing up the subject of Allie after the messages she’d gotten that night.  It honestly hadn’t occurred to her until that point that someone could use her to get to her daughter and she’d never forgive herself if something happened to her.

                Greg took a sip of water.  “I understand that.  My son is fourteen and it’s just us so I wanted to get in shape to be there for him and set a good example.  He’s a little pudgy too, so we both need to take better care of ourselves.”

                “Allie’s eleven.  She takes karate and plays soccer, so I keep her active.”

                “Maybe I can get Stuball into a sport.  That might not be a bad idea.”

                Jasper practically stopped in her tracks. “You…you named your son Stuball?”

                Greg chuckled.  “No.  His name is Steven; I just call him that.”

                The timer on her phone beeped and she pressed the stop button.  “Alright, that’s all the time we have today.  Let me know next week how you’re doing.  I want to see you’ve checked into the gym at least three times, okay?” 

                “You got it.”  He smiled, gave a polite nod and walked off.

                Jasper returned to the office and sat at her desk.  Her next appointment wasn’t for another half hour.  Checking her phone, she saw another two messages starting with ‘hey baby’ and another picture of a man’s privates.  “I’m about to delete this app.”

                “That bad?” Garnet asked.

                “Some creep asked for pictures of Allie last night.  Do you know how disturbing that is?”

                “That’s fucked up.”

                “Exactly!  She still thinks boys have cooties – the idea of someone…”  Jasper actually felt nauseated at the thought.  “I’m incredibly thankful I didn’t go through that trauma as a child and I never want Allie to know that pain.” 

                “There are some sick people in the world.” 

                Jasper cringed as her phone dinged and she looked at the incoming message from SmileyGuy: ‘ _Hey, I think we went to high school together_.’ 

                She looked at his profile and, yes, she’d had a few classes each year with Harold Smiley.  It had been a strange last name for a kid with braces who never showed his teeth, but judging from the recent pictures, he couldn’t resist displaying his pearly whites to the world.  She replied: ‘ _Yes, we did.  I’m Jasper_.’

                Please be normal, please be normal, she pleaded silently.  ‘ _I remember_ ,’ came his answer. ‘ _You were on the track team.  You want to grab dinner and catch up sometime_?’

                She hadn’t gone to her class reunion two years ago and she didn’t know him well.  Wasn’t that the point of dating though?  At least he hadn’t sent inappropriate pictures or asked about sex of any kind.  ‘ _Sure thing_ ,’ she told him.

                They made plans for dinner that upcoming Friday and Jasper hoped it would go well. 

*

                Amethyst’s laughter filled the kitchen at dinner that night.  “You’re…going…” _snort_ “…on a…” _chortle_ “with Mr…” _guffaw_ “Smiley!”

                Allie’s lip lifted in disgust.  “The guy who runs the arcade?  He’s bald and he wears a fanny pack.”

                “He might your new daddy, Allie.”  Amethyst nearly fell off her chair as she was overtaken with giggles. 

                “Ew, Mom!  I can’t become Allie Smiley!”

                Jasper rolled her eyes and shook her head.  “Your last name will not change if I get married.  Only mine will.”

                This resulted in a loud snicker from her sister.  “You’ll be…Jasper Smiley.”

                “We are going on _one date_ – not getting married.”  Jasper stabbed a piece of broccoli with her fork rather violently.

                “Hey, we might get to play at the arcade for _free_ ,” Crystal pointed out. 

                “Thank you, Crystal,” Jasper said.  “See, there could be a silver lining.  And I think this is the last time I’m bringing up my dating life at the dinner table.”

                Amethyst shrugged and caught her breath.  “I don’t talk about mine.” 

                “Yeah, you can’t because there are children present.”

                “True.”

                That night she hugged Allie before bed then paused at the doorway.  “Hey, you’re okay with me dating, right?”

                “Mom, you were really sad when Dad died and you’re still sad.” 

                “I miss him…even now.”

                Allie sat cross legged on the bed and pulled up the covers.  “Me too, but I think he’d want us to be happy, not sad.  If dating makes you happy, I think he’d be for it.”  She paused.  “But a guy who wears a _fanny pack_ , really?”

                “Goodnight, Allie.”  Jasper clicked off the light.

*

                By the time Friday rolled around, she’d set up one more date with a man who lived in Empire City and was an acquaintance of Crystal’s dad – “I swear to God, if he’s anything like my ex…” Jasper had started.  She’d been ‘married’ before Bismuth…it was a long story. 

                Mr. Smiley – Harold, she had to remember to call him by his first name – wouldn’t have seen her with the other man, so she wore the same slacks and shirt she had for her unsuccessful coffee date. It occurred to her that maybe she should get some other nice tops for dating and perhaps even a dress in case she was ever taken somewhere fancy. 

She thought about the two dresses she owned – one black and one red.  Bismuth had loved her in the red one – he’d called it her ‘va-va-voom’ dress and whenever she wore it, she knew how that night would end.  She smiled remembering the look on his face when she’d stepped out of the room in it for the first time.  That was probably the only time he’d ever been speechless.  That one would have to be saved for a special occasion.  She’d worn the black dress to his funeral, to the shock of nearly everyone who thought for sure she’d wear her uniform.  However, she hadn’t been there as a military member, but as his wife who had lost the person dearest to her and with him all their hopes and dreams for the future.  It hung in the back of her closet only worn that once and probably wouldn’t be again.

                Jasper met Harold at a casual diner-type restaurant and they sat in a booth.  “You don’t drink soda, do you?” he asked. 

                “Not often – special occasions maybe.” 

                “Good, it’s bad for your teeth.”  He laughed nervously showing his off. 

                “Well, it’s bad for you in general,” Jasper pointed out. 

                “Can I just say, you don’t look like you’ve changed a day since high school,” he commented.  “I don’t ever remember you wearing makeup, but of course, I didn’t know you that well.”

                Jasper knew she looked great with clothes on, but having Allie left her with stretch marks, breasts that definitely needed the help of a bra to fight gravity and a small bit of skin around her belly that likely would never tighten up, but was not enough of a concern to undergo surgery.  “I take care of myself, but trust me, there have been changes.” 

                “You take care of your teeth, right?  I’ve poured a lot of money into mine.”  During dinner he launched into long stories about nearly every dental procedure he’d had, including how he’d had veneers on his front teeth to make them perfect.  When they were done, he pulled a small package of floss picks out of his fanny pack.  “Want one?” 

                “No thanks, I’m good,” she replied, already knowing there would be no second date when he’d gone into the story of his second bleaching treatment.

                “You do floss, don’t you?”  He proceeded to stick the string through his incisors, his speech still understandable as if he was used to speaking while doing this.  “It’s important to reduce your risk of gum disease.”

                “Yes, I do.  Every night.  In my bathroom.”  _Like normal people_ , her thoughts finished.  She looked away, revolted, as he scraped the remains of a burger on his napkin and just left it there.  A memory flashed in her mind of her first husband and she recalled the rotten smell of his breath.  Yes, oral hygiene was definitely important but not at the damn table!

                “Would you want to go out again?” 

                Jasper cleared her throat, trying to ignore the piece of chewed meat on his napkin still visible to the world.  “No, I mean, you seem nice, but there’s just no spark.”

                “Understandable.”  He placed the used floss pick on the edge of his plate and smacked his lips before smiling.  “It was nice catching up with you though.” 

                “Oh, definitely.” 

                The waiter came by to ask if they’d like any dessert, to which Harold replied: “No sugar for us, thanks.” 

                “Anything else.” 

                Jasper didn’t hesitate.  “The check, please.”

*

                Okay, so that guy clearly didn’t work for her, but she figured she might have a better time Saturday.  Dressed in gray pants with a purple sweater, she entered a Mediterranean restaurant she’d never been to and looked around to see if he was here. 

                “Jyas-purr.” 

                No…no, this was already a bad idea, she knew hearing the accent.  Nevertheless she turned around.  “Yes.” 

                “I am Abriq.”  He shook her hand and smiled.  His teeth were white though not exactly straight and his beard was neatly trimmed.  “Tubaz didn’t say you were so beautiful.”

                Yeah, he also hadn’t told Amethyst that his friend was Middle Eastern or that his name started with the same letter as Jasper’s first husband or the answer would have been a resounding no.  Not that Jasper was at all racist, but there was too much in her personal history to ever let this play out.  They were seated and she smiled nervously.  “So, how do you know Tubaz?” 

                “We work together.  I’m also a lawyer.  We found out we are from the same area and we are friends now.  He said he knows you through your sister.” 

                That was not exactly true, but she was well aware Tubaz was probably trying to conceal some parts of his past from…well…everyone.  “Yes, they’re sort of friends.  I don’t know him all that well.”

                “What are you hoping for in a husband?” 

                “That’s a loaded question.  I don’t even know if I like you yet and you don’t know anything about me.”

                “I know you are beautiful and have a child to raise with no husband.  That must be difficult, plus, you probably want more children before you are much too old.  I always dreamed of having five or six.”

                Well, then, he was going to be disappointed that Jasper had needed a hysterectomy after having Allie.  Clearly, she was not what he was looking for.  “Well, actually I…”

                “How would you feel about converting to Islam?”

                “Very poorly.”

                “That is unfortunate.  You know, it is a religion of peace.” 

                Jasper nodded slowly, wanting to tell him her ex was ever so peaceful when he was beating the shit out of her.  “Yeah…that’s why we’re fighting a war in the Middle East against two Islamic terrorist groups.”

                Abriq chuckled.  “You are fighting a war because of oil.”

                “Ehhh…”  She actually couldn’t deny that was also a factor. 

                The waiter brought them water and asked for their drink order.  Jasper hadn’t even looked at the menu yet so he left to give them a few moments. 

                “You are awfully quiet – a good quality in a woman.”  Abriq laughed.  “I kid.  So, I am from Baghdad.  Have you ever been to Iraq?”

                “Yes, I actually have.”

                He laughed again causing her to wonder if it was covering up nervousness.  “It is not exactly a tourist destination.  What were you doing there?”

                “You know that war over terrorism and oil – yeah, I was fighting in that.”

                Abriq’s eyes widened a bit in surprise.  “You…were a soldier?  You were involved in that mess?” 

                “Yes, I was very involved in that mess.”  She glanced down at her menu as the waiter approached and ordered a drink. 

                “Make it strong for her,” Abriq said in Arabic.  “I am hoping to get lucky tonight.”

                Jasper slapped the menu closed and stared him down, responding in his language.  “I feel like I need a strong drink after dating so many creeps who think that they are going to ‘get lucky’ with me.  You are lucky I don’t kick your ass!”

                “You…you speak Arabic?” 

                “Yes - I spent two months in a terrorist prison; one learns.  Props for trying alcohol to get with me though – the man holding me captive just beat the ever-living daylights out of me, so this is a step up.”

                He reached for her arm as she stood.  “Come on, we are not all like that.”

                Jasper jerked away as she grabbed her coat.  “I know, but you’re not exactly an upstanding human being either.”  She slipped into the cold-weather garment as she stalked out of the restaurant.  Once in the car, she quickly texted Amethyst: ‘ _I’m going to KILL Tubaz next time I see him!_ ’

                ‘ _That bad huh?_ ’

                ‘ _Oh yeah.  OMW home – need anything_?’

                ‘ _Booze.’_

Not a bad idea, she agreed.  She stopped at a convenience store to pick up a six pack of beer and then headed home where Amethyst greeted her.  “You’re back early.”

                “Uh, yeah, because Tubaz set me up with Akhram the Second.”  Jasper’s stomach growled.  “Any dinner left?  I didn’t eat.”  She rummaged the fridge and took out some leftover macaroni and cheese.  It was crap stuff from a box, but it would settle her stomach, so she tossed it in the microwave. 

                “Was he really that bad?”  Amethyst asked, popping open one of the beers.

                “Okay, so he probably wasn’t a terrorist, but his attitude was very much the same.  Why the hell would your baby daddy think I wanted a guy like that?  I bet they’re talking right now and he’s rolling on the floor laughing.”  Jasper grabbed a beer, opened it and took a swig.  “I’m about to stop dating.”

                “You just have to find the right one.” 

                “Ames, all these guys want one thing…well, okay Mr. Smiley didn’t, but the man is not normal.  Why do they think it’s okay to ask for pictures of my boobs or send me pictures of their junk?  I mean, do you sleep with men who do that?” 

                Amethyst shook her head.  “No, I sleep with the classier ones who talk about what they want to do instead of just sending pictures and I never send pictures of myself.”

                “Well that’s just common sense.”  The microwave beeped and Jasper took out her dinner, stirring it with a fork.  “I can’t imagine sleeping with just some random guy.” 

                “Give it a shot – you might like it.  Besides, it’s been a while since you’ve gotten any, right?” 

                Jasper sighed and stopped what she was doing.  “Amethyst, I’ve been through a lot in my life…a lot to do with sex and having it used against me.”

                Amethyst turned her gaze to the floor.  “I…um…I’ve never been through anything like that and you never talk about it, so I forget sometimes.” 

                “I suppose I’m pretty well adjusted considering.  However, that took a lot of therapy.  Anyway, Bismuth is the last man I was ever with and when we were together, we didn’t ‘get it on’ or ‘get lucky’ or even ‘fuck’ – when I was with him, we made love and it was beautiful.  I can’t accept an imitation of that.  I mean, I probably could, but if I did, I would likely feel great when I was in the moment, but afterwards I think I would feel dirty and cheap.”

                “And…is that how Akhram made you feel?”  Amethyst took a step forward and put a hand on Jasper’s back. 

                She hesitated, having never discussed this with her sister before.  Her voice dropped to just above a whisper.  “No…he made me feel worse…like I wasn’t even a person.  He asked the same question every night and made it very clear the only answer was ‘yes’.  If I said ‘no’, he beat me…sometimes he’d hit me anyway just because he could.”  Jasper paused for several moments before continuing.  “He wanted me to give him a son and in the end…he’s the one who caused me to lose that child before I ever knew if it was a boy or girl.”

                “He sounds like a monster.” 

                “He was.  If it hadn’t been for Tubaz helping to get me out…”  Jasper took a deep breath, not needing to continue.  Both of them knew if not for his assistance, Jasper wouldn’t have lived.  “I didn’t come back the same and it took me a long time to feel whole again…to trust again.  Bismuth was highly instrumental in putting those pieces back together.  I just can’t imagine treating something like sex so casually when I’ve experienced it in such an ugly way and when making love helped heal me so beautifully.”

                “I’m really sorry you had to go through everything you did,” Amethyst said. 

                Jasper straightened up, took another swig of her beer and shook her head.  “I’m not.  It made me stronger…it helped shape me into who I am today.  I can overcome anything this world throws at me – even dating.”


	4. Jameela Resurrected

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Years! It's been a small break from cosplay that has allowed me to keep up with my writing so much - starting in January I will be turning attention once again to cosplay. Not that I won't be writing, I just may not update as often.  
> I still have the rest of today though to hopefully bang out a new chapter (no pun intended).  
> For those who have not read Earning Her Stripes, this chapter deals a lot with Jasper's past including mentions of non-con. I realize this recap may prove repetitive to those who have read it, but it is necessary for those who haven't to understand where Jasper is coming from and who Jameela is.

** Chapter 3 – Jameela Resurrected **

               

“Any more luck on the dating front?”  Garnet asked.

                Jasper pulled off the top page of the day by day calendar and dropped the last day of January in the recycling bin.  “No.  I got asked out by a twenty-five-year-old, so that made me feel weird.” 

                “Not ready to unleash your inner cougar?” 

                Jasper snickered.  “No.  If I have an inner cougar, she’s staying caged.  Is it so hard to find a nice, decent guy around my age?  I got another message from a sixty-year-old and I’m not saying a guy has to have a perfect body but he had a substantial beer gut and I would have to be with someone who has an open mind where fitness is concerned and realizes it’s an important part of my life.  I’d probably be heavy too if I ate whatever I wanted and didn’t work out.” 

                The pair wandered into the weight room.  Almost immediately someone called her name and she looked over to see a family friend around her age walking over.  “Hi Tani.”  

                He stood a few inches taller than her, his muscles visible through his tight shirt.  “Your mom mentioned you been dating again.  I’m single…you wanna take this bull on?” 

                “I…uh…haven’t really considered...”  Jasper raised an eyebrow as he made his pecs dance.  “That’s not…no.”

                “Aw c’mon…you too good for us since you married outside the community?”  Tani asked.  “I mean, consider this: I have full _pe’a_ , like your dad.”

                “Comparing yourself to my father is not making this any better.  Why don’t you ask Amethyst?  She’s single.” 

                “Naw, I prefer taller women…with muscles…and tattoos.  You have _malu_?” 

                “No.  I just have the one tattoo.”  The traditional design, which marked her as a warrior, stretched across her shoulder, just over her left breast and down to her elbow and was mostly visible with the tank top she wore.  “But Amethyst has multiple tattoos…I mean, none with cultural significance, but she has a tramp stamp.”

                “Come on, Jasper.  We’re the same age, we both like working out…” 

                She rolled her eyes and gave an exasperated sigh.  “If I go on a date with you, then will you leave me alone?”  

                “Well, if you go on a date with me, you’ll be begging for more.”

                “Seriously doubt that.  Fine, Friday night…sushi…you’re paying.”

                “Then back to my place for…dessert?”

                “You’re lucky I’m going out with you; don’t push it.”

*

                “You’re going on a date with Tanielu Faasoo?”  Amethyst asked at dinner that night. 

                “Yeah, what about it?  And how did you know?” 

                Amethyst shrugged.  “Mom told me.”

                “And how did _she_ know?!”

                “News travels fast.  Anyway, I’ve never dated him, but I hear he always expects sex after a date.” 

                Jasper looked between Crystal, who clearly didn’t know what that was since she was still eating and Allie, who had a disgusted look on her face.  “Ames…children.”

                “Mom, you’re not really going to have _sex_ with him…are you?  Because I think sex is gross,” Allie stated. 

                “I respect your eleven-year-old opinion, Allie, however, should I choose to do so – which I’m not – that is my decision to make as a responsible adult.  Plus, if I did, it’s not as if I would discuss it with you.”

                “Please don’t ‘cause I don’t want to know.  It should be outlawed.”

                Jasper nodded slowly.  “I understand your revulsion at this point in your life, however if it weren’t for…” she noticed Crystal watching her, “…that, you would not be here.”

                Allie scraped the last bit of food from her plate.  “Well, _I’m_ never doing it.”

                “I respect your decision, however, there is the very real possibility you will change your mind and should you, I would like you to come to me so we can go over that safety talk again.”

                “Like not sticking a fork in the light socket,” Crystal said. 

                “Yes,” Jasper agreed.  “No sticking things in places where they don’t go.  Anyway, we’re going out Friday.” 

                “Dad is coming on Friday,” Crystal told her.  “Mom’s gonna make dinner and maybe she’ll make steak.”

                “No, I’m making something vegetarian because he won’t eat meat unless it’s halal and I’ve never seen a halal butcher around here.  I might make eggplant parmesan or maybe lasagna.” 

                “Ew!”  Allie exclaimed.  “Eggplant is gross!” 

                “I’m with you on that one,” Jasper agreed.  Thankfully, she wouldn’t have to be around to eat it.  Later on, after Crystal had gone to bed and Allie was asleep in her room and Amethyst was doing God only knew what, Jasper sat cross-legged on her bed, looking at the photos Bismuth had taken for her.  He had been the last one she’d been with…the last person she’d physically loved.  She chuckled at the one of him in a sexy pose wearing a thong and a plaid shirt, stroking a prop axe seductively.  Admittedly, while the photos had, at first, been funny, she had taken them out and thought about him during her deployment, quietly pleasing herself until she could be with him again.  Now she believed that would be weird considering he was dead, but it did help to remember how silly he could be. 

                There was a time she’d enjoyed sex…thoroughly and almost without condition (protection was always a must).  Well…she enjoyed it as long as the guy was good.  There was a reason she didn’t date within the Samoan community and it had to do with her first and only experience with one of them when she was eighteen.  He’d been big, muscular and handsome, but when they got down to it, he kissed her as though he were trying to eat her face.  His part had been tiny and he had a hard time keeping it up and the condom kept slipping off.  She’d lost interest halfway through and he said he couldn’t get it in because she was too tight.  Frustrated and no longer turned on, she’d told him plainly: “No, you’re too small!”  She’d left and told her mother she did not want to be set up with any more of the men from her community. 

                While on both her first and second deployment, she’d become a ‘woman of loose morals’ as her mother would have put it.  Reserving kissing, cuddling and caressing for relationships, she had a new set of rules for some of her male friends who wanted to relieve their sexual frustration.  She’d fuck them, but on her terms: nothing romantic – no kissing, touching with hands or the like, single men only, use a condom – and it worked.  Usually, she’d be on top or he’d do it from behind, both positions she came to enjoy.  She cared little what anyone said about her, knowing full well some thought she was a slut…and maybe she was.  She didn’t even mind that there were rumors going around that she was being paid for it (she wasn’t).  As far as the Army was concerned, there weren’t really rules against it, so she couldn’t get in trouble.  In their eyes, staying sexually active ‘improved morale’.  They’d just tell her not to get pregnant…hence the condom rule.  Plus, she really didn’t want to be exposed to whatever these guys might have going on down there.

                It couldn’t have lasted forever.  At twenty-two, shortly after achieving the rank of corporal, her sergeant’s eye fell on her.  She knew this weeks before he ever asked her, that Sergeant McCoy wanted her, like so many of the men did, but she was selective about who she was with.  She plainly told her _married_ sergeant that she would not, under any circumstances, sleep with him.  He wore her down, with his constant asking throughout that day when he saw her, pulling her to the side and making her feel about two inches tall.  Finally, she agreed and he’d immediately taken her to a private area of base and pressed his lips against hers before she could tell him her rules.  Surprised, Jasper had pushed him away, telling him she didn’t allow that.  How _dare_ he steal a kiss from her! 

                “Oh, come on, Tiger,” Sergeant McCoy said, using her nickname.  “I want the real deal here.” 

                He’d tried to kiss her again, but she’d dropped to her knees and he’d ended up with his face pressed against the wall. 

                “So long as you’re down there…”  She heard his zipper open. 

                “Hey, everyone here has a mouth, buddy.  I don’t do that.” 

                “Then what do I get?”  He asked in an agitated tone. 

                “What everyone else gets – you get to fuck me and that’s it.”  She’d pulled a wrapped condom out of her pocket.  “Here, if you don’t have one, I do.” 

                Sergeant McCoy scoffed, took it and flung it across the room.  “I don’t think so.  I don’t like how they feel.”  

                And Jasper, who up until this moment, had respected and looked up to him, shook her head.  “No…no, absolutely not.”  It was one thing to maybe let him touch her, but protection was non-negotiable. 

                “C’mon.”  When she’d tried to leave, he’d grabbed her arm and for the first time in her life, she was afraid of a man.  “I’ll even pay you.”

                Disgust filled her and she found her head shaking of its own accord.  Jasper had turned and looked at him with disbelief.  “I am not a whore, sir!”  She’d jerked her arm away and walked out. The rest of the day she’d reflected on how the men in her life had always treated her with love and respect.  She’d never had to endure the inappropriate touch of a family member or friend.  She’d sailed through her childhood fortunate to have been spared such suffering in a world where one in four women were sexually assaulted in their lifetime. 

                In the present, she recalled her conversation with Garnet after telling her about the man who had wanted pictures of Allie and telling her she hadn’t experienced that trauma as a child. 

                _As a child_ , her mind repeated.

                Jasper never could remember what she’d been dreaming of that night when she was seemingly safe in her bed.  Whatever it had been, she hoped it was good…she hoped she was smiling in her sleep, perhaps dreaming of her home half a world away.  She knew she’d woken up when it was hard to breathe…something was pressing down on her and her tired mind took a moment to realize it was another person.  She wanted to ask what they hell they were doing, but a hand was placed firmly over her mouth.  Still half-asleep, confusion reigned in her brain…something wasn’t right…this wasn’t _right_!  It had to be the enemy; they were under attack and she needed to stop this – now! 

                Something metal clinked against her chin just as she had been about to move her arm and shove this man away.  In the dim light, her eyes focused on the uniform…but…it was American camouflage.  She remembered her mind clearing as he shifted and pushed inside her.  Wide awake now, with full realization of what was happening, she focused on the name patch: McCoy. 

                This could _not_ be happening.  She waited for the dream to end…for the nightmare to be over…to reach between her legs and realize he had never been there.  Jasper would later think about how she should have punched him or at least shoved him off…how she could have moved his hand and screamed.  Her eyes flickered to Private Diaz…Ruby…asleep in her bed, unaware this was going on right next to her.  Disbelief overtook her completely and she was unable to move.  He was really there…he was really doing this…without protection…without her consent!  Jasper had looked up at his face – into his eyes – as if to say how DARE he do this to her!  His eyes showed no remorse as he smiled smugly and leaned in, his breath on her ear.  “You can’t give it to everyone else and deny me…”

                That’s when it had sunk in: she’d acted like a slut and now she was paying for her actions.  This was HER fault.  She’d stayed frozen in place as his hands touched her wherever he wanted, as he finished and as he forced another kiss on her.  He whispered: “If you say anything, there will be consequences…” before he’d left her, discarded her like a ruined toy he no longer wanted…that no one would ever want…

                And just like that, she’d become a statistic.  Sex lost its joy for her, but she did it anyway…if they wanted it, why not?  She thought about going to her command, telling them what happened, but she had a reputation.  It would be her word against his and it was not uncommon for women who reported these things to be discharged from the service for stupid reasons.  The Army was all she knew…she loved what she did.  She couldn’t risk it.  It took her over two months to say anything to anyone…she’d waited until she was home again before she’d told her best friend…because she’d needed a ride to the clinic.  She couldn’t drive herself after being put into a twilight sleep so a doctor could undo what had been started in her that night she’d been…she still hadn’t been able to label it at that point.  Jasper had considered it a horrible dream, denying even to herself it had ever happened, but dreams didn’t get a person pregnant.  She’d hit bottom after that…she’d considered getting out of the Army but had no idea what she would do.  Any free days she had, she could be found at the bar, slamming back her sorrows with copious amounts of whiskey until she couldn’t feel feelings.  If men wanted her, they got her.  There had been no rules at that time…what was the point?  They’d only break them anyway.  In retrospect, she was very lucky she didn’t end up with a disease.  

                So, how had she pulled herself out of that despair?  Well, she recalled one night when she and her best friend had gone out so she could get plastered and laid again…and her friend plainly told her she was not going to enable this anymore.  Jasper had ended up passed out in an alley behind the club, heaped on some garbage bags.  In her mind, this was exactly where she’d belonged…she was trash…dirty, filthy, trash. 

                Except…someone hadn’t thought so...a young man she’d met that night – the one who had been on stage, playing guitar and singing a song about comets or something.  She couldn’t remember exactly – she’d been three double-whiskeys deep at that point.  He’d given her a spot in the back of his van to sleep off her drink.  Now, with anyone else, this may have been creepy and she’d have been a little concerned about being murdered.  However, this guy seemed different – caring – and before the night was over, she’d allowed him to kiss her, to caress her…to gently make love to her.  The next day, she’d called her friend to apologize and ask for the number of the counselor she’d seen when she’d come home injured in combat. 

                It took hours…months…over a year of therapy for her PTSD to go from a roaring lion that took over her life to a small housecat that occasionally looked at her with a soft ‘meow’ before retreating to some other corner of her mind.  The year she turned twenty-five, she was granted the rank of sergeant and was off on her third deployment, stronger than she’d been before with the past behind her.  She wasn’t anticipating falling in love…especially with a man the same race as Sergeant McCoy had been…but Bismuth had slowly torn down the walls and she’d gently placed her heart in his hands where he’d take care not to break it until the day he was taken down in battle.  She’d told herself no more sex…especially not casual sex…but fourteen months into her deployment, while kissing him, she’d almost given in.  In fact, if it hadn’t been for an explosion near the base, she would have. 

                The fighting picked up and during a battle in the third week of June that summer, she found herself captured by the enemy along with three other soldiers.  This would have been bad enough news, but as soon as they realized she was a woman, she’d known…she’d have to face it again, especially when a man entered and she recognized him as a wanted terrorist – Akhram Abadi – the commander of this particular terrorist prison, held in high regard by the leaders of the organization.  He had to be close to forty, his hair still mostly dark with just a hint of gray, his beard neatly trimmed; he was not bad to look at, honestly, but that did not mean she wanted to sleep with him.  “Scream a lot,” the young interpreter told her.  “He likes that.”

                Jasper had no intention of going down kicking and screaming.  Instead, she realized why men did this – it was about power and control, so she would take it away.  When led to Akhram’s room, she kissed him and while he tried to threaten her, she insisted, as she stripped away her uniform, that he was not forcing her into anything.  She thought she’d be there a few days until she was rescued, so she’d make this as easy on herself as possible. 

                She hadn’t counted on being there for two months – sixty-five days to be exact.  The terrorists took everything from her – her uniform, her freedom, even her name.  Whether it was their mind games or Akhram simply found ‘Jasper’ too hard to pronounce, she really didn’t know, but he had called her Jameela, meaning ‘beautiful’.  She wanted to tell him she had rules, but he spoke barely any English and she didn’t know Arabic yet.  So, she ignored his horrible breath when he kissed her, tried to push down her revulsion when he held her…as his hands traveled her body…as he lifted the plain, black dress he’d given her.  She’d been warned if she didn’t behave, she’d be given to his men for them to do whatever they wanted.  However, Jasper – the soldier – wanted nothing to do with this.  However, Jameela was pulled in by his charms, by the way he held her, explored her body – reminded her that she was all woman and wanted this, right here, right now, more than anything.  Jameela was Jasper’s alter ego over those two months – her inner slut who had no rules, no boundaries.  Akhram’s idea of sex was very vanilla – he was always on top, no exceptions and Jameela went with it.  Sometimes he was in a bad mood and held her down – Jameela convinced herself that she liked this, while Jasper seemed to watch from the table in the room as her body was dominated, but she was not there.  He’d hit Jameela, but thankfully Jasper did not have to deal with that as she shut it out.  When she was allowed to bathe, Akhram’s guard watched her and Jameela was silently pleased he found her beautiful.  He wanted a blow job?  She was on her knees immediately.  They were two separate people, but the same person…sharing the same body.  It was Jasper who would have to wash the sticky shame away when Jameela was done in bed. 

                It should not have surprised her that she ended up pregnant and the moment she realized the nausea had not been caused by a virus or something she ate, she was forced to remember that she and Jameela were one in the same.  She had been violated by the guard; she wasn’t even sure this child was Akhram’s.  She had to escape and she begged the young interpreter to help her.  “We are friends aren’t we?” 

He promised he’d help but days passed with no news.  “Be patient,” he’d tell her.

Every day she was patient had been another day her pregnancy progressed.  Akhram was ‘overjoyed’ convinced she would give him the son he desired.  She knew if she was there until she delivered and the child was a girl…they’d probably both be killed.  Then in a moment when she was Jasper – the soldier – the guard did it to her again.  Anger had overtaken her and she realized he’d left his gun – an AK-47 – propped up against the table.  He’d just wronged her and left her with a means to pay him back.  She’d checked the ammo – plenty – then kicked open the door to the bathroom, causing him to turn, surprised mid-leak.  He turned to her.  “You don’t know how to use that!”

Well, the American Army had far more advanced weapons, but a gun was a gun and in two shots the contents of his chest and head were splattered on the bathroom walls.  He was the only person she had no remorse over killing.  Her victory had been short lived, however, as Akhram came in, saw what she had done and screamed at her.  She was still holding the gun; she could have killed him and then demanded the interpreter help her get out – with the other soldiers.  However, Jameela spoke in her mind:  “Please don’t…I still love him.”

Akhram had beaten her, cut her hair and demanded the young man take her away to await her punishment.  She knew she’d be killed, but how she was unsure.  The interpreter came to her the next morning to tell her she was going to be beaten to death…and that American troops were coming that night to free her.  He was risking his own life, defying his commander and the organization he worked for to help the enemy.  He’d left her with Akhram’s dagger and hope that she was close…so close to freedom.

In the end, twelve of his men lay either dead or unconscious on the ground and she had stabbed him in the heart with his own weapon, but not before she’d been injured so badly she knew from the blood between her legs that she’d lost the baby. 

It had been Bismuth who had picked her up off the ground and carried her outside where she felt the cool night air against her face.  She was later told she had been dangerously close to death, that the injuries to her uterus meant she might never have a child…she was admitted to a psychiatric ward once home where she was diagnosed with PTSD (again), signs of a split personality disorder and Stockholm syndrome.  She’d had to undergo an unbelievable amount of therapy and convince them she no longer had feelings for any of the terrorists.  She’d had to silence Jameela who still screamed in the back of her mind that Akhram had been her husband and she loved him.  Jasper, herself, had to admit that the interpreter was not her friend and never had been.  It hurt to lie, but she figured she’d never see him again…until the day Amethyst brought home the father of her child to meet the family.  She had hugged Tubaz, crying, and thanked him for his help.  She was happy to see he’d turned his life around and now had a good job and was the good person she knew he’d been inside almost a decade ago.

And, as for Jameela, she stayed locked away in Jasper’s mind.  There was no reason to let her out.  She was comfortable there as Jasper imagined her lounging back on a scarlet, plush couch, clad in a crimson harem outfit, a sheer veil covering the lower half of her face, just waiting to accept another lover in her life.  Jameela oozed confidence and would jump at the chance to sleep with a man.  This was the side of her that gave her the push she needed with Bismuth, although being that she’d trusted him completely, it wasn’t hard to lose herself…to do with him the things she’d denied herself when she was younger and to feel comfortable with it.  She didn’t think she’d be able to do that with anyone else, but if she didn’t try, she’d never feel physical pleasure again.  _Jameela, are you awake_ , she asked. 

 _Yes,_ came the reply.  Jameela shifted on the couch, her tame, long hair wavy and full.  She was a beautified version of Jasper, looking identical, but idealized.

Jasper loved and hated her.  _If I do this…if I sleep with other men…we need rules.  YOU need rules._

Jameela laughed breathily.  _I don’t do rules_.

 _Like it or not, there are a few things we will be telling them_ , Jasper told her.  _Protection is a must._

_Well, of course._

_No holding me down or covering my mouth._

_But I like that…_

_Of course you do; you’re a coping mechanism to avoid trauma – you like everything._

_Point taken.  Anything else._

                Jasper thought for a moment and considered the one thing she’d never allow…and the one thing even Jameela hated.  _Yes, the backdoor is an exit only._

_I’m with you there, girl._

                This was probably unhealthy on some level to give into her other personality, but necessary if she was even thinking about sex again…and she was.  The idea was exciting and terrifying at the same time, but if she never took this step, she might never feel that rush of pleasure again. 

                As scared as she might be…she was ready. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get ready for some consensual NSFW next chapter. ;)
> 
> Pe'a refers to traditional tattoos for Samoan men - covering a large portion of the lower body (many will also tattoo their arms and shoulders), Malu is the female equivalent, usually only on the upper thighs and much more delicate in design.


	5. Sexpectations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some NSFW in this one ;)

** Chapter 4 – Sexpectations **

                The red dress was for special occasions and the black one…well, she’d save that for another funeral she supposed.  However, Jameela insisted they needed a dress, so she went out Thursday after work and looked for something.

                _Oh, get that one_ , her alter-ego suggested as Jasper held up a very low cut halter dress with no back that wasn’t very long. 

                “Yeah…no,” she said, putting it back on the rack.  A new spring collection caught her eye and her hand reached for a blue dress among the outfits.  When she tried it on in the dressing room, she found the A-line cut hugged her curves perfectly up top and the skirt fanned out if she twirled.  _Get a hold of yourself,_ her mind said.  _You’re too old to be twirling._   The asymmetrical, chiffon hemline brought to mind ocean waves…it conjured up images of some place tropical and showed off just enough of one leg to be sexy but not scandalous. 

                Even Jameela approved. _If you don’t buy that dress, I will lose all respect for you and punch you._

_How?  You’re a figment of my imagination._

                _I’ll make you give a blow job to our date tomorrow._

_You’d do that anyway, you whore._

                Jameela flopped on her couch and huffed.  _Get the dress, bitch._

                When in the car with her bag from the store, she checked her phone quickly and saw she had another message from ‘Beef Sammich’.  “What the hell kind of name is that?”  She opened it and read aloud: “Can I ask you a personal question?”  If this guy wanted pictures of anything private, she was deleting her account.  She replied: _‘Sure.’_

_‘How much do you bench press?’_

Okay, not exactly personal, but thankfully not sexual.  ‘ _275’_ she replied. ‘ _You?’_

                _‘I got up to 300 once, but now I stick with about 250 – much easier.  Do you do drink protein shakes or anything?’_

_‘No, I prefer to get my protein in the form of steak.’_

_‘LOL – I’m vegetarian so that’s not an option for me.’_

                She had to check out this guy’s profile.  He had only one photo taken from the back showing off his muscles as he lifted a weight above his head.  His blonde hair was short and he wore tight shorts that highlighted his glutes.  Not bad…not bad at all.  She read his description: ‘ _I’m new to this whole online dating thing.  Just got out of a bad relationship, but willing to open myself up to the possibility of meeting someone new.  I’m looking for a woman with a healthy attitude toward fitness and a great outlook on life.  I’ve been described as a ‘huggy bear’ so I hope you’re a hugger, however I will not ask for anything else besides the pleasure of your company_.’

                Her phone dinged and she read the message:  ‘ _You have pretty eyes_.’

                He was the first person to comment on her eyes rather than other parts of her body.  ‘ _What color are your eyes_?’ she asked. 

                _‘Hazel.  I’m not nearly as good looking as you.  I was too shy to post a picture.’_

_‘I’m sure that’s not true.’_

_‘Would you like to meet for dinner_ _this weekend?  Sorry if that’s too forward.’_

_‘No, that’s fine.  I’m free Saturday night.’_

                By the time she started the car to drive home, she’d set up a date for Saturday.  Once home, she checked his stats and saw that he was an inch taller than her and the same age.  She couldn’t help wonder what his face looked like, but she figured she’d find out soon enough.

*

                “So, I feel like I’m making good progress, but I did buy six more sessions because I like your help,” Greg told her as he did bicep curls.  “You definitely keep me motivated.” 

                “That’s my job,” she replied simply.  Although, he was great to talk to, as well and at least he followed her advice.   He’d been coming in about four times a week and sticking to the routine she’d set for him.

                “I’ve also increased the amount of weight I’m lifting and had to go to the next hole in my belt.  Oh, and I enrolled Steven in baseball – he starts later this month.” 

                “That’s excellent!”  Jasper slapped him on the back maybe a bit too hard judging from his surprise ‘oof!’.  She chuckled.  “Sorry, I forget how strong I am sometimes.”

                “Hey, Palamo,” came a familiar voice. 

                She turned and faced Tani.  “That is not my last name anymore as you know full well.”

                “I’ll see you tonight?” 

                “Yes.”  After he left, she smiled awkwardly at Greg.  “Sorry, that’s some idiot I’m going out with tonight.”

                “Going out?  Didn’t you say you were married?” he asked. 

                Jasper sighed and picked up a dumbbell.  “I was.  I lost my husband in the war.”

                “It’s never easy, especially when you start trying to move on.  You never forget them and you never stop loving them.” 

                “You too?” 

                Greg smiled sadly.  “I lost my Rose fourteen years ago.  I see her when I look at Steven, especially his positive outlook on life…I’m thankful to have her live on in him.”

                “Allie has Bismuth’s laugh and a gentleness I know came from him.  I just feel like…I don’t know.  It still feels like cheating on some level.”

                “That’s normal at first.  You never think you’ll find anyone like them – and that’s true – you never will, but I still have hope that I’ll find a woman who will make me happy and share my life with me.”  Greg laughed and patted his belly.  “Well, maybe after I lose some weight.”

                “Physical appearance isn’t everything.  I mean look at Tani…” she gestured over to where he was holding a loaded barbell while doing squats, his muscles rippling under his skin-tight gym clothes. “He’s handsome alright, but he’s dumb as a brick and kind of a jerk.  I only agreed to the date so he’d leave me alone.” 

                “You’re better than that.  I mean, I might not know you well, but I can tell you’re too good for him.  You shouldn’t date someone just to get them to stop bothering you.  You’re a woman worth working for – romancing, you know.”

                Jasper scoffed.  “It’s been a long time since anyone ever romanced me.” 

*

                The doorbell rang and Jasper heard Crystal running to answer it.  “It’s Dad!” 

                “You don’t know that,” Amethyst told her.  “Only those of us tall enough to look out of the peep hole can answer the door.” 

                Jasper already knew Amethyst would have to stand on her tip-toes to see through the peep hole herself.  The door opened and she could hear Tubaz greeting Amethyst and his daughter.  She finished applying a bit of bronzer to her cheeks while Allie stood nearby watching.  “When can I wear makeup?” 

                She honestly hadn’t thought about the right age, but she had been thirteen when she started experimenting.  Although, this was mostly to cover up the uneven skin color on her face to look ‘normal’.  Jasper smiled at her reflection, completely at ease now in her marbled appearance and wanted to pass that confidence onto her daughter.  She recalled Allie had a play makeup kit when she was about five and came out of the bathroom one day looking like a street walker.  When Bismuth told her she was wearing entirely too much…well…everything, she’d put her hands on her hips and said: “How would you know?  You’re a boy.” 

                “I always thought when I went to middle school, I might wear it.  Like, I think I’ll be grown up enough then,” Allie said. 

                Jasper gave this consideration as she applied her lip gloss.  Allie would be twelve in August and start middle school when she went into sixth grade in the fall.  Perhaps buying her some makeup for her birthday and showing her how to use it wouldn’t be a bad idea.  “Okay.  You can start wearing it next school year.” 

                “Really?”  Allie’s eyes lit up. 

                “Nothing too severe – a little eye shadow, mascara, maybe some lip gloss is enough for you.  You’re already pretty enough naturally.” 

                Allie smiled and looked down as though embarrassed.  Jasper remembered how her mother told her to wear makeup – to cover up her skin, that it wasn’t beautiful.  She recalled having so many problems with self image, knowing full well this may have lead her to sleeping around, which is exactly what she _didn’t_ want Allie doing when she got older.  Jasper tried to instill as much confidence in her daughter as she could, telling her everyone was different and her skin made her unique and her ‘tiger stripes’ were a mark of beauty not everyone had.  She’d let Allie know that the world, particularly her peers in school, maybe didn’t see that yet, but they would in time.  From what she could tell, Allie, having gone to school with pretty much the same group of kids since kindergarten, didn’t get picked on for her looks, but she knew that might change when she entered the bigger world of middle school and high school beyond that. 

                She felt Allie playing with her hair, re-arranging it and then found her daughter’s arms wrapped around her.  “I hope I’m as pretty as you when I grow up.” 

                Jasper pulled her daughter into a hug.  “Physical appearance isn’t everything, Allie.  I’m sure you’ll look very pretty, but make sure you have a beautiful heart too.  That’s more important.”

                “Do you think you’ll end up marrying Tani?”

                “Probably not.” 

                “Then why date him?”

                “It’s…part of trying to find someone I’m compatible with.  I mean, you never know, maybe we will hit it off, but I don’t think so.” 

                “Then _why_ date him?”

                She was at a loss to answer that question since she wasn’t sure herself.  “Because I get a free sushi dinner out of the deal.” 

                “And I’m stuck here eating eggplant?!  Mom, that’s not fair!” 

                “Allie,” she pulled her daughter close to her, an arm around her shoulders as they walked out of the bathroom, down the stairs and into the living room.  “Life is not fair.  That’s the way it is, so you may as well get used to it.”

                “Heavy lesson for a Friday night,” Tubaz commented.  Crystal was in his lap, having removed the black prayer cap he usually wore and was wearing it on her head.  “How are you, Jameela?” 

                “I’m fine.”  Part of her wanted to chew him out for setting her up with that awful Abriq, but not in front of the kids.  Despite being very thankful for his help all those years ago, the relationship could be strained at times, especially when he still called her by that name.  However, she was the one who had invited Jameela back into her life, so she supposed she could hardly fault him on calling her that tonight.  Besides, he was a devoted father to Crystal and she assumed he also was to his other kids. 

                Jasper decided she really didn’t want to stick around and needed to get going if she was going to make it to the sushi restaurant on time.  She hugged Allie again and was out the door. 

*

                “So, the truth of the matter is, I have one pec that is actually bigger than the other,” Tani told her. 

                He seemed to be discussing every muscle group in his body, telling her about how much he could lift and bragging about how great he looked.  “That’s…fascinating.”  Jasper sipped her _sake_ , wishing she had something a bit stronger. 

                “You know I actually have a third kidney?”

                “That’s…”  What the hell did she say to that? 

                “And an extra nipple.”  Tani laughed loudly when he saw her raise an eyebrow.  “I’m kidding.  I knew a guy with one once.  I’m assuming you just have the two.” 

                “I am not discussing my nipples in public.”  She thanked the waiter as their order came and she broke apart her chopsticks. 

                “You know, I hope we like each other, because if I can’t find someone here, my parents are talking about me going to Samoa to find someone.  I just don’t know why I’ve been single this whole time, you know?” 

                _Because you’re a boring, arrogant ass_ , Jasper thought.  “It’s a mystery, I guess.”

                He attempted to pick up a piece of fish with chopsticks, but it flew off and into her water glass.  “Ha!  Did you see that?!  Anyway, you ever visit Samoa?  You know, lots of us who were born here have never been home.” 

                “I did – I went with my husband once and, for the record, since I was born here, America is my home.”  She had respect for her parents’ culture, but ultimately, she was wholly American.  “I found everyone there to be very welcoming and kind.  Actually, Bismuth and I were invited to this wedding…we didn’t even know who was getting married, but we found ourselves at the reception anyway.  Oh, and I ran into an old friend of my mom’s and was able to get them together on Face Time to talk.  They hadn’t seen each other in over thirty years.”

                “My dream is go back to my parents’ village and get married there.  You ever think about getting _malu_? I think your thighs would look great decorated, you know.” 

If he said ‘you know’ one more time…  “I’ve considered it.  I just always thought I was a little old now.” 

                “Never too old.” 

                Jasper supposed that was true. “Do you have any other interests?” 

                “Oh, definitely.”  Tani covered her hand with his and winked.  “It’s probably been a while since you’ve been with anyone, huh?”

                “That’s really not your business.”  She refilled her small glass with more _sake_ before picking up another sushi roll and eating it.  By the time she had finished her meal and several glasses of _sake_ , she was full and tipsy…too much so to drive, she knew. 

                “We can pick up your car in the morning,” Tani told her, leading her from the restaurant. 

                “The morning?  I only need a couple of hours to sober up.”  She got into the passenger seat of his car and closed the door.  It was a nice car – red and surprisingly spacious considering that it looked small from the outside.  It was a short ride back to his one-story house. 

                “You want some coffee or anything?” he asked as they walked in and he flicked the lights on. 

                Jasper’s heart was already pounding without the aid of caffeine, especially when he placed a warm hand on her back and led her to the sofa where they sat down.  He sat incredibly close and his hand moved to her shoulder.  “I’ve had a really nice time tonight, Jasper.” 

                What was she supposed to say to that?  Should she tell him the food was good, but he was boring and she really didn’t want to see him again?  Should she bring up the fact that she was drunk and while part of her didn’t like his other hand on her thigh, Jameela was somewhere in her mind, just waiting to take over?  

                If she didn’t take the plunge and do this now, she may never be able to again.  For all his faults, at least he was physically attractive…at least this was someone Jameela could pounce on, have a good time with and then Jasper would never have to speak to him again.  And she was evidently ready, lying seductively on her couch, one fingernail between her teeth eyeing this man with desire.  It had been a while since Jasper had to do this, but she retreated into her own consciousness until she was sitting at a small table with six chairs and Jameela had taken her place on the sofa with Tani. 

                It was an incredibly strange feeling being outside herself, watching as Jameela’s fingers played with the hemline of her dress as though she’d never seen it before.  How could she be so confident as to allow Tani’s hand to wander up her thigh while he leaned in and kissed her?  Jameela moaned and coaxed his tongue to play with hers…with Jasper’s. 

                This had been so much easier to separate herself when she was a prisoner.  However, in this situation, wherever he touched Jameela, Jasper felt it too, as almost a tingling in her skin.  It would take practice to where she would feel nothing, but she was certain she could get there someday. 

                “You have amazing thighs,” Tani told her.  “Look at these…”  He ran his hands along her skin as Jameela spread her legs apart while he pushed her dress up, finally glimpsing the black, lacy thong she wore underneath.  His fingers brushed against the delicate fabric, teasing the outline of her sex, causing Jameela to sigh deeply. 

                “Bedroom?” he asked simply. 

                Jasper could have silently pleaded for her not to do it, but she would…she was a whore, after all.  With a sly grin on her face, Jameela took his hand and went with him to the bedroom where he wrapped his arms around her and kissed her deeply.  His fingers found her zipper and in one smooth motion, it was open, her dress pushed to the floor.  Jameela expertly undid his shirt and pants, then ran her hand along the bulge in his boxers. 

                “He’s happy to see you.” 

                “Then…perhaps I should give him a proper hello.”  Jameela dropped to her knees, looped her fingers around his underwear and slowly pulled them down. 

                _You whore_! Jasper shouted, knowing her alter-ego could hear her, but didn’t care.  Not that she could answer with a cock in her mouth.   

                “Oh man…oh…God…Palamo…” Tani panted. 

                “Abadi,” she corrected pulling away.  “My name is Jameela Abadi.”

                _The fuck it is!_   Jasper rose from her seat and violently smashed one of the chairs on the concrete floor of this room…this prison in her mind.  _No part of me will take his name!_

                Tani’s large hand found its way into her hair, grabbing it.  “That’s hot…role play…whatever this is.”  He shoved his dick in her mouth again, moaning as she took it into her throat. 

                Jasper covered her eyes and growled.  _Damn it, Jameela_ … She could do nothing, however, except let this play out or come to her senses as herself again and have the whole experience traumatize her and make her feel dirty. 

                Jameela’s cries of pleasure found her ears as Tani had thrown her on the bed.  Her bra was across the room and he was busying himself by sucking on her nipple, while teasing the other with his fingers.  Jasper sat down again and ignored the tingling in her chest.  It would go away eventually…she could only hope someday she’d find someone like Bismuth…someone she trusted so much she didn’t have to distance her true self from this.  She paid attention again as Tani rolled on a condom and pushed himself inside Jameela. 

                “Damn you’re tight…I’m gonna punish that pussy!” 

                Jasper rolled her eyes and slammed her hand on the table.  _Damn it, Tani, this isn’t a porno!_

                Jameela’s voice came out breathy and needy.  “Yes…I’ve been a bad girl…punish me…” 

                _Damn it, you fucking whore_!  Jasper screamed.  Jameela looked at her, grinned wickedly and winked.  Jasper rested her cheek on her hand and wondered why the hell she let this harlot out in the first place. 

*

                It was the sunlight that woke her, Jasper’s eyes blinking open as her confused mind tried to remember where she was and why her mouth tasted awful.  Whose bedroom was this?  Not hers, that was for sure.  There was a photo of an older lady she recognized on the dresser and a crucifix on the wall.  Great, she’d just done with Tani in front of his grandmother and the Lord...

                He entered, holding two steaming mugs and the scent of coffee teased her nose.  “Hey, great night last night.” 

                “I bet it was…”  She took the mug and sipped the hot, bitter liquid.  “What time is it?”

                “Almost eight.  I think you had more _sake_ than you anticipated.  You insisted your name was something weird.”

                “I have this thing where I don’t like having sex using my name if I don’t know the person well…”  Not entirely true, but if she told him what was really going on, he’d think she was bat-shit crazy.  Perhaps she was.  She saw her dress and panties on the floor.  “Where is my bra?” 

                “Over there.”  Tani pointed to a corner of the room.  “You’re pretty wild, you know.  Can I be your main fuck?”

                “No.  There’s no spark.” 

                “It was a fun time anyway, wasn’t it?”  He grinned before gulping his coffee. 

                Her eye caught the wastebasket, noticing three used condoms lying on top.  She didn’t even remember the next two times…she wasn’t sure Jameela did either.  How much _sake_ did she have anyway?  She drained her coffee and visited the bathroom where she used the facilities, washed her hands and ran her fingers through her hair.  Something stuck between her teeth tickled her tongue, so she used a piece of floss to remove it and was disgusted to see a curly, dark hair wrapped around the string.  “Jameela, what the hell did you make me do last night?” she whispered to herself. 

                Jameela did not answer, for even a figment of one’s imagination could be passed out on their ornate couch after such a night.

*

                When she arrived home, Allie rushed up to her immediately.  “Mom, I was so worried!” 

                “It’s okay, I texted Amethyst.” 

                “I know, but still…”

                Amethyst pulled out her phone. “Yeah…your text doesn’t make much sense.  ‘Gone hime with Tammy.  Donut up.’” 

                “That’s not what I meant to write.  And all I did was have a little too much to drink.”

“Is that so?”  Amethyst asked. 

Jasper looked over at Allie and smiled.  “Why don’t you go to your room?  I need to talk to your aunt.”

                “Okay, but you didn’t have sex with him, right?”  When Jasper didn’t answer her daughter’s eyes widened in shock.  “Ew, Mom!”

                “Allie, room – now!”

                “That’s so disgusting!  How could you?!” 

                “Alexandrite!  I’m not going to tell you again.”  Jasper pointed in the direction of the stairs. 

                Allie rolled her eyes and stomped up the stairs muttering something about how boys were gross and she couldn’t BELIEVE her mom would do that and she ‘couldn’t even…’.  Amethyst put her phone on the table.  “Look, I’m definitely not one to judge, but you have a child to consider.” 

                “How many times have I watched Crystal while you were out getting some?  Am I not allowed to do something spontaneous for once?”

                Her sister was quiet for a moment before slowly nodding.  “Point taken, but I think you should talk to Allie.  She’s older and knows more than Crystal does.  I mean, I don’t even think Crystal is aware of why I go out and definitely not what I’m doing.  I didn’t know what to tell Allie last night when you said not to wait up, which I think is what ‘donut up’ was supposed to mean.”

                “Wait…you didn’t tell her I was…”

                Amethyst shook her head.  “No, I just said you would be out until morning and she was apparently smart enough to figure it out.” 

                Jasper nodded slowly.  “I’ll talk to her.”  She wasn’t sure exactly when…or even how.  How could she put this into a perspective that an eleven-year-old could understand?  And when she told Allie, would it shatter her daughter’s perception of her forever?


	6. Loving You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little more lightheartedness in this one - the next chapter is going to get heavier into Jasper's mental demons.

** Chapter 5 – Loving You **

                Jasper took a shower, washing away the shame of the night before.  Even though Jameela had been in charge, it had been her body and she could still feel Tani’s mouth and hands all over her.  As physically pleasurable as it had been in the moment, now she just felt disgusted with herself for doing it.  Nonetheless, if she found herself in the company of an attractive man again, no doubt Jameela would insist on going back to his house…or the backseat of his car…or a random alley somewhere.  She was unpredictable like that.  _I’m just going to lock her up again_ , Jasper thought. 

                _Good luck,_ Jameela replied, finally awake and reclining again on her couch. 

                “I swear to God,” she muttered, scrubbing her body with a loofa.  “I will see a psychiatrist and get rid of you once and for all…” 

                Jameela laughed.  _Didn’t work last time – you were desperate for them to think you were normal and simply denied my existence._  

                Yeah…she’d lied about a LOT of things to get out of that situation.  It had been a military hospital psych ward and they’d mostly drugged her and tried to debug her mind, to erase the meddling done by the terrorists.  It hadn’t been about helping her at all, just patching her up so she could continue on as a soldier.  She’d carried mental problems for years, but threw herself into work, into her marriage, into raising Allie…now things were changing and she wasn’t as busy.   Now all those thoughts and feelings and fears she thought she’d buried were resurfacing and she knew she had to keep them at bay somehow.

                A small spray on her cheek made Jasper shudder and for a moment she remembered the day her face had been shoved into a bucket of water as punishment for asking to bathe.  She’d bathe when she was given permission, she’d been told.  She’d be held down underwater until she nearly lost consciousness, pulled out and allowed a few gasping breaths before being plunged under again.  “We are in the desert,” Akhram had reminded her.  “You ask for more water when I’m already generous enough to let you bathe when I deem it necessary.  You are very ungrateful, Jameela.”

She’d never really gotten over her fear completely, but as long as it wasn’t on her face, she could manage a quick shower.  The water she’d been tortured with, which she could have used for bathing, she could think of only one thing to do with.  When she’d been released and knew it was done, she pushed the bucket over, allowing the precious liquid to flow across the floor.  She smiled smugly for a second before the guard picked up the bucket and hit her in the face with it.  Her nose bled and her cheek throbbed.  Akhram later beat her with a switch and it would be nearly three weeks before he let her bathe again. 

 _We were lucky to be in that room…and not in a cell_ , Jameela reminded her.  _He showed us kindness.  He loved us._

Jasper shook her head, reaching for the knob and turning off the water.  After drying off and putting on workout clothes, she decided she should probably have that talk with Allie before her date tonight.  She knocked on her daughter’s door and waited for the okay before entering.  “Hey, Allie, you mind if I talk to you?” 

Allie folded her copy of _A Wrinkle in Time_ and gave her mom her full attention. “Is it about…that?” 

                “Yes.  I know you probably have a lot of feelings about me dating after your dad passed away.” 

                “I don’t mind the _dating_.  If you want to go out with men to dinner and movies and stuff, that’s fine.  I just think it’s gross that you have sex with them.” 

                Jasper paused to think of a good analogy to compare to.  “Do you remember once when you asked for a sip of my beer so you could try it?” 

                “Yeah, that was gross too!”

                “Exactly, because you’re a child and there’s a reason the drinking age is twenty-one.  In order to exercise privileges like that, you have to be old enough, so when you’re young, it seems like a very unusual and disgusting thing to do.  It’s the same with sex.  When I was eleven, I thought the same thing – that I would never do it because boys had cooties or whatever.  But now, I’m an adult and we’re talking about men and I find men attractive and sometimes I want to be with them that way.”

                “But shouldn’t you be in love or something?  Like you were with Dad?”

                Jasper slowly nodded.  “That would be ideal; however, some adults do it without being in love because it’s fun…like drinking.  Can you understand that?” 

                “I guess, but I don’t want to hear about it.” 

                “I’m not planning to give you a play-by-play.  This whole dating thing is new to both of us and it’ll take some getting used to.” 

                “But one of them is going to be my stepdad someday, right?” 

                “Maybe.” 

                “What if he hates me?  Like…what if he hits me or something.” 

                Jasper put a hand to her cheek, recalling the creepy guy requesting pictures.  “You are my child and you come first – before any man – and I would never bring anyone home I deemed a threat.”

                Allie hugged her.  “I just want you to be safe.” 

                “Don’t worry about me.”  Jasper was already plenty worried about herself for the both of them.

*

                She decided to take a cab to her date in case she got too intoxicated to make it home again.  At least then she wouldn’t have to leave her car anywhere…annoyance rose in her as she thought about the parking ticket she’d have to pay from last night.  Still, a small parking ticket was better than driving drunk.  In the end, she’d made the right decision leaving her car and going home with Tani.  Well, sort of the right decision, she reflected, shuddering at what she’d done.  Great, now she’d have to see him at the gym and community functions and he knew what she looked like naked.  _Thanks Jameela._

                Her inner whore laughed.  _You think I won’t be getting it on tonight too_?

                Jasper paid the driver and got out in front of the Italian restaurant where she’d agreed to meet Beef Sammich.  She probably should have asked for his name.  God, if Jameela made her go off with some guy whose name she didn’t even know…

                “Are you Jasper?” asked an unfamiliar, yet hopeful voice. 

                It couldn’t be…there was no way…Jasper turned and found herself face to face with a woman who was about an inch taller than her and just as muscular.  Her blonde hair was cut short, but styled in a way that complimented her features, such as the hazel eyes framed by long lashes and full lips highlighted with pink gloss.  “Beef Sammich?” 

                “Oh, I never told you my name – it’s Topaz.”  She extended her hand, shaking Jasper’s with a firm grip.

                And her inner whore stood up, clapped and said: _bravo, you’re a fucking idiot_. 

                _Be that as it may,_ she told Jameela.  _Looks like you’re not getting any tonight._ Still, it would be cruel to reject here right here when she’d obviously put effort into her appearance, anticipating this evening.  Jasper decided they’d have dinner, she’d pay for her half, stating there was no spark and then they could part ways.  She cleared her throat and smiled at Topaz.  “It’s nice to meet you.” 

                “You’re even prettier in person.” 

                “Thank you.”  Was she supposed to return the compliment?  Jasper couldn’t say she found the woman attractive, but then, her eye had always been drawn to men.  Still, there probably was _something_ she could say.  She noticed the simple necklace she wore with a yellow-ish stone she guessed was Topaz’s namesake.  “I like your necklace.”

                “Really?  I wasn’t sure if it was too much.  It’s…it’s been a while since I’ve been out with anyone.” 

                “I’m just starting to date again too.” 

                “Met anyone worth a second date?” she asked as they headed into the restaurant.

                Jasper scoffed.  “No.  Most of the people I’ve met are interested in just sex or are totally not normal.” 

                “What’s normal but a setting on the dryer?”  Topaz asked. 

                She found herself laughing.  “Usually, I’d agree with you, but when one of my dates flosses at the table, I definitely start thinking there is a ‘normal’ that most people follow.” 

                “I once met a woman who clipped her fingernails during our date.” 

                “Be lucky it wasn’t her toes.” 

They shared a laugh as they were shown to a small table near a window.  Jasper ordered a glass of white wine, strong enough to make her more talkative, but not to get her drunk.  “So when you’re not working out, what do you do?” 

                “I do construction for work, but I like crafting – I crochet and do needle point.  How about you?” 

                “Well, I have an eleven-year-old, so she takes a lot of my time, but I actually enjoy cooking, which I never thought I would say.  I also never thought I’d be able to cook anything edible, but my mom taught me after my…spouse died.” 

                “So, your parents were supportive of your relationship?” 

                “Yeah.”  She was certain her father would be supportive if she ever did bring a woman home, however, her mother being a devout Catholic, well, that could go either way.

                “You must have really great parents.  Mine won’t even speak to me, but that’s a heavy conversation for another time,” Topaz said, folding her menu. 

                While they waited for their food, they talked about lighter topics, but eventually the conversation turned to why they were single in the first place.  “I lost my…Bismuth…in the war.” 

                “I’m sorry.  I’m sure she was very brave.”  Topaz paused.  “I left my ex.  She got abusive…emotionally at first, but then…” she sighed, “she was a tiny thing – hardly five feet tall – so she’d always tell me if I said anything she’d tell the police I hit her first.  I’d never do that.” 

                Jasper nodded, resting her fork on her plate and patting Topaz’s hand.  “You did not deserve that…no one does.  Unfortunately, I’ve been there myself and I know how horrible that can make you feel, but you are better than that and you did the right thing leaving.” 

                “I assume you left your ex, too?” 

                “Actually, I killed him,” Jasper said, spearing a shrimp with her fork.  “Stabbed him right in the heart with his own dagger.”

                _Bitch_ , Jameela said in her mind. 

                “And you got away with it?”  Topaz’s eyes widened in shock. 

                “Remember how I said I used to be a soldier, well, he was a terrorist who was keeping me captive – long story short, we were for all intents and purposes, married, but I never loved him…”

                _I still do…_

                “Never really did,” she said aloud, reiterating this mostly to Jameela.  “So, it was sort of my job to kill him and rather than being punished, I was rewarded with a medal because they’d been after him for a while.”

                “Wow…I don’t think I could ever do that.  I thought about joining, but back then they had that ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy and, of course, I’m too old now, but I like construction.  It keeps me active and it’s always thrilling to see the finished product.”  She cut off a piece of her vegetable lasagna.  “So, what are you looking for in a relationship?” 

                Jameela didn’t hesitate to throw out her answer.  _A man…_

 _Quiet, you._   “Someone kind, caring…someone who I can build a life with.  Of course, being comfortable around kids is a must because I have one.  I’m not doing this online dating thing to find a fling or something short term.  I mean, I need to feel some kind of spark, indicating that this could be a long term relationship.” 

                Topaz nodded.  “I agree.  I just hope I find someone soon, I’m almost not sure what to do if I’m not in a relationship…as horrible as she was to me, I kind of miss her…” she sniffled and dabbed her eyes with a napkin.  “Sorry, it’s just there’s a part of me that still loves her even though I know she was toxic.”

                “I know how that is,” Jasper knew all too well.  “But, first of all, anyone who treats you like that isn’t worth your time or your affection.  Second, you don’t need a relationship to feel complete – the important thing is loving yourself.  When the right person sees you doing that – sees you exuding confidence – they’ll be pulled in.” 

                She sniffled again and wiped her tears away.  “I’ve never been one for confidence.” 

                “It’s in there somewhere.  I look myself in the mirror every morning and tell myself I’m a badass bitch and no one is going to bring me down.  So, tomorrow, I want _you_ to look in the mirror and say ‘I am Topaz and I am a tough bitch and if anyone messes with me, I’m gonna kick their ass’.” 

                Topaz laughed lightly.  “I don’t think I could do that.” 

                “And post a picture of your face on the dating site – seriously, look at yourself – you’re very pretty.” 

                Her eyes sparkled.  “You really think so?” 

                “Are you kidding?  Look at your eyes – those lips...”  Jasper drained her wine glass. 

                “But, you’re not feeling a spark, are you?” she asked sadly. 

                Jasper shook her head.  “I’m sorry, no.” 

                “Don’t be sorry – it’s the way you feel; you can’t help that.  I’m glad I met you though.”  The waiter came with the check and Topaz immediately took it.  “I got this.  You’ve really inspired me tonight.  Can we be friends?” 

                She found herself smiling.  “Yeah, I’d like that.  And even if you’re not my type, trust me any woman would be lucky to be in a relationship with you.” 

                Once out in the cold, night air, they exchanged numbers on their cell phones and promised to keep in touch.  “Can I hug you?”  Topaz asked. 

                Jasper had no sooner nodded and extended her arms when she was practically lifted off the ground in a crushing hug.  Jasper was sincere in the gentle embrace she gave, hoping that she would find someone who complimented her beautiful soul.

*

                “How was your date last night?”  Amethyst asked as her sister entered the kitchen the next morning.

                Allie looked up from her cereal.  “You came home on time, so that’s good, right?” 

                Jasper poured herself a mug of coffee.  “I had a nice time, but I don’t think we’ll get together again.”  She paused to take a sip and savor it.  “No spark.”

                “That’s too bad,” Amethyst told her, sitting at the table with two slices of toast. 

                “Well, you know, at least sex wasn’t the only thing on their mind and they were incredibly nice, so it was probably my best date yet, actually.”  She opened the fridge to see what they had and pulled out two hard boiled eggs.  She started cracking them, when she was distracted by her cell phone ringing.  Seeing it was her mom, she answered.  “Hello.” 

                “Jasper…how are you?” 

                “I’m fine,” she answered slowly.  Her mother never called just to ask how she was.  “What’s up?”

                “Your auntie said she saw you on a date last night.  How did it go?” 

                “Which auntie?” 

                “That doesn’t matter.” 

                “It went fine.”  She put the call on speaker so she could continue peeling the eggs.  

                Her mother paused and there was an audible sigh over the phone.  “I just want you to know that, you know, your father and I…well, we’re a very liberal family and if you and your date want to pursue a relationship, we support you – one hundred percent.”  

                Jasper hung her head and choked back a laugh.  “No, Mom…”

                “I just want to say that, you know, lesbians are great and if you’ve decided that’s the path you want to follow…” At this point Amethyst started snickering behind her.  “…then you go ahead and do that, honey.” 

                “Mom, I’m not…”

                “You know Amethyst’s friend, Peridot?  She’s a lesbian and…and we gave her and her wife a lovely pan set for their wedding.  Maybe you should talk to her about your new lifestyle.” 

                Jasper grabbed her phone, turning off the speaker and putting it to her ear.  “Mom, I am not a lesbian.”

                “You were hugging another woman and you were both dressed up.” 

                “Yes, she’s my friend.  We had dinner and an emotional conversation and I hugged her goodbye at the end.  That was it.  I’m _not_ a lesbian.”

                “Oh thank God…” her mother breathed. 

                “Excuse me?  Two seconds ago you were saying how liberal you are and that you supported me and now that I’ve confirmed I’m straight, it’s ‘oh thank God’?” 

                “I just thought since you haven’t had luck with men, maybe you decided…”

                “It’s not a decision, Mom…”

                “Well, I’m just glad you’re not giving up on men.”

                Jasper turned and leaned against the counter.  Her mom could be so infuriating sometimes.  “Maybe I will.  Maybe I really enjoyed that hug on a whole other level.  You know, I think I’ll ask her out again and…maybe we’ll kiss and…and have sex…” 

                “Mom!”  Allie interjected.

                “Lots of lesbian sex! 

“Mo-om!”

“That’s what I’ll be doing, so you go on to church and pray for my soul.” 

                “Jasper…”

                “Nice talking to you.”  She hung up and plunked her phone on the table. 

                “Mom, you’re not really going to have sex with a woman, are you?” Allie asked. 

                Jasper faced them. “She only posted a picture of herself from the back and she’s tall and muscular like me, so…I thought she was dude and accepted the date without digging any deeper.”

                Amethyst nodded acceptingly before busting out laughing.  “It’s okay, Jasps…we’re a very…liberal family…”

                Jasper’s head shook of its own accord then she found herself laughing at the ridiculousness of it all.  However, after so much disappointment, that date was something she needed to lift her spirits and give her hope that maybe she could find a man out there as compassionate and understanding. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Jasper's mother's viewpoints do not reflect my own.


	7. Unleashed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some NSFW in this chapter.

** Chapter 6 - Unleashed **

                When Crystal arrived home, the first thing Amethyst did was survey her appearance and ask: “What the heck do you have on your head?” 

                The six-year-old beamed proudly and touched the pink scarf covering her hair.  “It’s a hijab.” 

                “For the record, this was her decision,” Tubaz said.  “I had nothing to do with this.”

                Amethyst shifted her weight to one foot and raised an eyebrow.  “Really?” 

                “Yes, really.  She saw Nadima putting hers on and asked to wear one.  Now she won’t take it off.”

                “I look pretty!”  Crystal declared. 

                “Did your dad perhaps explain to you that wearing one is not about looking pretty?  In fact, I believe it’s about _not_ drawing attention to yourself.” 

                “It is supposed to promote modesty,” Tubaz explained.  “However, women do express individuality and fashion wearing them, especially here.”

                “Uh-huh…” Once he had left, Amethyst turned to her daughter.  “Okay, you’ve had your fun, take it off.”

                “No.  I like it.”

                “Crystal, hijabs are for Muslim girls.  You are not Muslim.” 

                Her daughter tilted her head to the side.  “But Dad is and that makes me half Muslim.”

                Amethyst released something between an exasperated sigh and a chuckle.  “No, it doesn’t work that way.  You’re half Iraqi; you can’t be half Muslim.  It’s all or nothing.  Understand.” 

                “Yes.”

                “Good.  Now take it off.”

                “No.”

                “Why not?” 

                “Because I’m _all_ Muslim,” Crystal proclaimed.

                Amethyst turned and banged her forehead lightly against the wall, but let it go for the time being.  Later, after Crystal was asleep, she sat next to Jasper on the couch, plopping the folded up scarf on the coffee table.  “There, she can’t find it, she can’t wear it.”

                “What’s the big deal?”  Jasper asked.  “If she wants to wear it, just indulge her for a while.  She’ll likely get bored of it in a week, see a cute hairstyle and want to wear that instead.  Besides, didn’t you and Tubaz agree her religion would be decided by her?” 

                “How can she make that decision?  She’s six!” 

                “Exactly and kids that age change their mind all the time.  Today she wants to be Muslim; tomorrow she could want to be a dinosaur.  Just let it run its course.” 

                “And if it’s not just a phase?  If that’s the path she chooses?” 

                “Then there is nothing wrong with that.” 

                “But…the people who hurt you…”

                Jasper took a deep breath and closed the book she was reading.  “Were extremists – just like there are in every religion and there’s a huge difference between them and the peaceful ones.”

                “Tubaz was one of them, though.” 

                Allie looked up from where she sat on the floor, laptop open, writing a report.  “He was?  Mom, how can you stand to have him around?”

                “He was a kid who got mixed up in the wrong shit,” she explained.  “I knew he had a good heart about him.  Besides, he never really hurt me, just tied me up and talked a lot of talk, but couldn’t walk the walk.”

                “So, what’s my religion?”  Allie asked. 

                “You were baptized Catholic, but ultimately your faith is a path for you to find,” Jasper explained.  “Your father and I both agreed that you can do your research and choose what’s right for you.  I mean, I don’t want you worshipping the devil or anything…”

                Allie giggled.  “Well, I believe in God and I think Dad is up there with Him.”

                Jasper smiled.  “That’s a good start.”

*

                The next morning, Crystal came into Jasper’s room holding a purple scarf that would go well with the dress she wore for school.  “Aunt Jasps, can you help?”

                “Come here.  I gather your stepmom packed a couple extra for you?”  It had been quite a few years since she’d had to wear a head covering, but it came back to her as she wound the delicate fabric around Crystal’s hair and pinned in it in place.  “There you go.” 

                “You don’t think it’s bad?” 

                “No.”

                “Mom doesn’t like it.” 

                Jasper pressed her forehead lovingly against Crystal’s.  “Honey, the list of things I do that my mom doesn’t like is a mile long, so you do you.”  She kissed her cheek before the little girl ran off. 

                Inside her mind, Jameela sighed dreamily.  _Remember when we used to keep our beauty hidden from all men except our husband?_  

                 “He wasn’t _my_ husband,” Jasper said aloud.  “In fact, the two of you were never married.”

                “Who are you talking to?”  Allie asked from the doorway. 

                Startled, Jasper turned.  “Uh…no one.  Did you need something?” 

                “I forgot to print out my report.  Can I use your laptop?” 

                “Yes.” 

                _You DID remember to close out the browser, right_?  Jameela asked. _I mean, I WAS talking to some men last night._

                 “That was a mistake.”  Jasper headed downstairs. 

                _Hey, we have a date every night this week.  You’re welcome._

                She rolled her eyes and found Allie at the computer, thankfully only with the word processor up and not the internet.  Her daughter collected her papers from the printer and stapled them together.  “Thanks, Mom.”

                “Of course.”  Jasper then took the opportunity to maximize the internet tab and delete the lewd messages she’d gotten from men the night before.  Just reading some of the things Jameela had typed made her shake her head.  “You’re not really going to let some guy do that are you?” 

                _Oh…that…yeah…unf…_ Jameela sighed and leaned her head back on a pillow.

                “That’s sick.  I wouldn’t even let Bis…”

                Amethyst popped her head around the corner.  “Who are you talking to?” 

                “Um…nothing…no one.”  Jasper shut the laptop and joined her sister and the kids in the kitchen. 

                “Okay, Crystal, we’ve let you dress up,” Amethyst said.  “But the school has rules about headwear, so take that off.”

                “Actually, the dress code says if it’s for religious reasons, it’s allowed,” Allie explained earning a stern look from her aunt while Crystal beamed.  Jasper’s daughter got quiet and stirred her oatmeal.  “I’m just saying…”

*

                They had moved on from walking to jogging, though Greg still breathed heavily beside Jasper who wasn’t even breaking a sweat.  “Come on, Universe, you can do this!”

                “I…can do…this!” Greg’s fingers swiped the last counting bead across the bar as they passed the point where they’d started.  He chugged some water, then stood there panting. 

                “Good job!  Greg, the beginning of January, you couldn’t jog a quarter mile, now you’ve just done a mile.”  Jasper grinned.  “You should be very proud of your progress.” 

                He wiped his face with a towel, his hair damp.  “I’ve been working on it.” 

                “I’m glad to see that.”  Jasper felt a tap against her rear and looked over to see Tani had just run by.  She shuddered remembering Friday night and felt like an absolute slut.  “I wish he’d find another gym…sorry…I shouldn’t say that about a member.” 

                “He doesn’t seem very gentlemanly.” 

                “Definitely not.”  Her insides turned to ice as she heard his voice saying porn-worthy filth in her mind.

                “I joined that site you mentioned.  Got a few dates lined up – women love musicians.” 

                “You’re a musician?”  That’s when a memory came back to her in the form of flashing lights and the burn of whiskey in her throat as she ogled the young man on stage in the star T-shirt playing a guitar and belting out a song about comets.  “Um…” 

                “Yeah, well, I mostly just play for me and Stuball.  My career didn’t go anywhere.  I mean, my manager did manage to sell one of my songs as a burger jingle…” 

                That’s why she remembered the song.  A radio ad for Pepe’s Burgers had come on the radio that morning while she was driving to work.  She also called to mind being huddled next to him in the back of his van…his hands inside her tank top.  She recalled the warmth of his embrace and the passion of his kisses.  It was a one night stand; that much had been true, but it didn’t feel like he had intentions of fucking and leaving her like the others back then…or like Tani on Friday night.  Annoyance rose in her as she heard sneakers against the track and felt another smack on her ass. 

                Oh, God…he was the musician she’d hooked up with that night.  Even seventeen years later, she felt heat creep into her face.  Maybe things had changed, but one thing was certain…Greg Universe had seen her naked.  He didn’t seem to remember, but how long would it be before he did?  Perhaps she should suggest he get a new personal trainer.   No, that would be suspicious.  She took a deep breath and released it slowly.  _Take it easy, Jasper…_

                Rapid footsteps approached once again and she glanced over to see Tani speeding towards them with a grin on his face.  Her eyes narrowed.   He was not going to slap her butt one more time.  Her boss could write her up if he wanted, but she wasn’t going to tolerate this.  Instinctively, she reached her foot back and felt it connect with his ankle and heard him hit the hardwood with a loud thud causing multiple people to look over.  Satisfied that she’d likely embarrassed him enough, she turned to Greg and smiled.  “So, same time next week?”

*

                Jameela got what she wanted all that week and Jasper re-acquainted herself with the room – the prison in her mind, sitting there just like she had when her other self had been with Akhram.  She tried to ignore the tingling in certain areas, the moans Jameela made using her mouth as she fucked some random guy – at his house, in the back of his car and one night in a sleazy motel. 

                “You need to use protection,” Jameela panted, holding up a condom. 

                “Don’t like ‘em.  Can I cum on your tits?” 

                _The actual fuck?!  Jameela, no!_

                “Yes.” 

                _NO!_

                Nonetheless, she was in the sleazy motel bathroom afterwards wiping the mess off of herself and cursing Jameela’s name while her inner slut dozed on her couch.  “Why the fuck do you get a couch and a nice harem outfit and I’m stuck in that goddamn room?” she muttered, tossing a wad of toilet paper in the trash.  She shuddered, still sticky.

                The man, whose name she didn’t even remember, passed by her and started using the toilet.  “You were a good fuck.” 

                Jasper was too disgusted in Jameela…in herself…to answer.  She quickly got dressed and left without even saying goodbye or thanking him.  What was there to thank him for?  Maybe dinner, but definitely not for making her feel like a dirty whore.  It didn’t matter that she got home close to midnight; she needed a shower. 

                After scrubbing her chest and other areas practically raw with the loofa, she retreated to her room, where she lay in bed and could feel Jameela’s presence with her.  _Why are you doing this_ , _Jameela?_  

                _I’m part of you_ , came the reply.  _So, why_ _are YOU doing this, Jasper?_

*

                Jasper called her boss the next day, stating she had the stomach flu.  In the two years she’d worked there, she hadn’t ever called out sick so she had quite a few days of leave she could use.  She was too embarrassed to say she needed a mental health day, even though her boss was usually quite understanding.  She told Amethyst the same fib, opting to lay in bed after a breakfast of tea and watch as the light from the sun moved across the wall slowly.  She ignored her growling stomach, telling herself she’d eat later on her date anyway. 

                “What’s the point of dinner?” she muttered.  “He only wants one thing anyway.  Why are you such a whore, Jameela?”

_You made me that way._

                “I didn’t create you.” 

                _Yes you did…well, you made me what I am anyway, so you didn’t have to sleep with Akhram.  I protected you._

                Later on that night, as she sat at the table, watching her alternate self, dress up, panties off, and an unfamiliar man on top of her, she tried to remember when exactly Jameela had made herself known.  If the first night all those years ago was the night she’d been captured, then it had been on the forth.  That first night, he hadn’t touched her; in fact, he didn’t even see her until the next morning.  The second night, she’d been instructed to change into traditional clothes, but instead she’d refused, marching to his room with confidence – in her camouflage and seduced him.  Well, okay, perhaps ‘seduced’ was too strong of a word.  She’d taken off her clothes and agreed to give him what he wanted.  In any case, it hadn’t been rape, which is what she’d been trying to avoid.  The third night, he’d attempted to do it in the room where she was being kept with the other soldiers…somehow, she’d managed to convince him to take it elsewhere and didn’t stop him as pulled down her pants, cut off her underwear and fucked her on a table.  By the next evening, she didn’t have her uniform; instead being given a long black dress and a scarf that Tubaz had wound around her head covering everything but her eyes.  There was no mirror, but she imagined she looked mysterious as she was brought to Akhram’s room again. 

                She knew this room in her mind…this table…as the same place where she’d been given food for the first time in days.  Jasper’s attention turned to the small bed and she remembered how it creaked when they sat down on it.  When she’d been in her uniform, she’d felt strong, in charge, intimidating…but in the plain black clothes, she was reduced to being…well…just a woman.  She recalled the way Akhram’s beard tickled her neck as he softly pressed his lips against her flesh.  She’d clenched her hand into a fist, resisting the urge to hit him, but her fingers uncurled when she felt his teeth nibble her ear.  She shouldn’t have been feeling this…whatever ‘this’ was…and she knew.  It was desire – on some level, all those years of denying herself this, of telling men they couldn’t get this close was being undone.  She was not in charge; he was she’d realized as he pushed her gently onto her back.  Tubaz had been dismissed, so there would have been no use in talking to Akhram as he spoke little English.  This situation had become terrifying…and a little thrilling and she’d have hated to admit that.  Nonetheless, there was nothing she could have done to stop it as tingles ran across her body when he kissed her…touched her…lifted her dress. 

                Jasper had been a soldier – first and foremost – and as a soldier, her mind could not wrap around being turned on by the enemy.  That side of her wanted to fight hard to keep this from happening.  To allow this, to give into it, would have disgraced her.  It would be damn near treason.  She’d heard a sigh escape her mouth as his hands kneaded her breasts, his thumbs circling her nipples.  She’d wanted to scream for him to stop, but that would have turned it into the one thing she could NOT have happen to her again. 

                That’s when Jameela had shown up…Akhram had named her.  She was the feminine side of Jasper, the side even she was unfamiliar with, but the part of her who could give into this without shame.  His fingers were at her entrance, teasing, getting her ready for what would inevitably happen.  Akhram’s accent was so thick it took a moment for her to realize he’d asked in English: “Is okay?”

                And the soldier in her had raged, wanting nothing more to shove him off.  No!  This was NOT okay!  Jameela had placed a gentle hand on her arm, smiling and took her place, while Jasper sat at the table in her mind for the first time. 

                “Yes,” Jameela had breathed through Jasper’s lips.  He’d kissed her and she’d given into temptation.

                And now, here she was again, taking over when Jasper wanted to say no, but wouldn’t.  While part of her – that part – wanted a one night stand, but as a former soldier, as a seemingly moral woman, as someone’s mother, she simply couldn’t bring herself to admit that or give into it.  She was aware of this man’s heavy breathing next to her ear, of him moving inside her…she felt disgusted that she would allow this – that she would let Jameela allow this.  She knew what was happening, that he grabbed Jameela’s shoulder hard as his muscles stiffened and quivered when he finished.  Jameela lay there for a few seconds catching her breath before Jasper took over and looked around for her panties.  There they were, on the bedpost.  She rolled off the bed and stood, dizzy at first.  Thankfully, she hadn’t been drinking and she had driven her own car here, so at least she could get home. 

                “Damn you’re good,” her date said. 

                “So I’ve heard.”  Jasper was about to put her underwear on when she realized something didn’t feel right.  She should feel remotely clean, but a trickle down her inner thigh caught her attention.  No…that was against the rules and Jameela knew it.  She ducked into the master bathroom, putting her fingers between her legs and pulling them away, covered in stickiness.  “Damn it…” 

                She was revolted…in Jameela, in herself.  She pulled toilet paper from the roll and cleaned up as best she could.  Turning around, she jumped as the man was in the entrance.  “You should probably go.” 

                “Yeah…I think so.”  Jasper hurried out of the house and got into her car.  She waited until she was on the road home before she turned to Jameela, who was now sitting on her couch and said aloud: “What the fuck?!  You know that was a rule!  We had a fucking agreement!” 

                _I told him and he said no._

                “Then you should have said no.”

                _I couldn’t._

                “Bullshit – then you should have deferred to me and I would have plainly told him…”

                _I was scared!_

                “You were scared?  Well, now I’m scared, you filthy whore!”  True, she couldn’t get pregnant, but he may have any number of diseases she now had to be afraid of catching.

                Jameela sat there, completely silent for the drive home, hands clasped in her lap.  Jasper could clearly see she seemed remorseful, but she couldn’t forgive her.  Did that mean Jasper had been scared?  Rather, had there been fear on her face when this man had been on top of her?  She couldn’t remember; she couldn’t even recall feeling any sort of tingling when he’d touched her, meaning she was now that separated from Jameela when she took over.  How long would it be before she took over and Jasper didn’t even realize it? 

                After pulling into the driveway, she took a few moments to breathe deeply before heading into the house.  She would need to find someone to talk to – besides her primary care doctor, though she’d have to make an appointment there too to be tested at some point for diseases now.  She’d been an idiot to invite Jameela back into her life.  She walked into the house, trying to seem as normal as possible.  Amethyst was sitting at the kitchen table with a steaming mug of cocoa, seemingly troubled.  “What’s up with you?” 

                “Did you have fun?” 

                “Yeah.  Kids in bed?” 

                “Allie’s in her room, but probably still awake reading.”

                It was Friday night; Allie knew Jasper would be more lenient about bedtime if she didn’t have school the next day and if her daughter wanted to spend extra time reading, Jasper honestly didn’t mind.  “How were they tonight?” 

                 “Your kid is always great.  Crystal still won’t stop wearing her hijab.  I even suggested playing barber shop tonight and she didn’t want to.  She usually loves having her hair braided and styled, but she hasn’t even wanted me to comb it.  I just don’t know what to do.” 

                “Have you asked Tubaz?” 

                Amethyst shrugged.  “He says to let it play out, but then, I’m pretty sure he’s not going to discourage it.  I mean, I guess I shouldn’t either.” 

                “No, let her explore it.  She’s not old enough to make an informed decision yet, right now she’s just figuring things out.”

                “How was your date?” 

                “I want to stop this whole ‘dating’ thing.  It’s not even dating…it’s fucking and I can’t stand it anymore.  I just hate casual sex.” 

                “That’s fine.  So, it’s not for you.” 

                “I’m not even sure Jameela likes it, but she’s the one acting like a whore.”

                Amethyst raised an eyebrow, stopping mid-sip to put her mug down and pausing a moment.  “Aren’t…you Jameela?” 

                “Well, yes, but no, she’s like this other person in my head…my inner slut, if you will.  I probably sound crazy.” 

                Her sister was silent for a few moments.  “And she’s, like, talking to you?” 

                “She’s asleep right now…I think.  She’s had a hard night too.  I don’t know.  I want her gone.” 

                “Yeah…I kind of want her gone too.”  Amethyst finished her cocoa.  “So, you’re saying she’s the reason you’re sleeping around.” 

                Jasper nodded slightly.  “I gave her power and she ran with it.  She didn’t even make him wear a condom tonight.”

                “Wait…you…Jasper!” Amethyst dropped her voice to a low hiss.  “You could get something.  How irresponsible are you?” 

                “I told you – it wasn’t me!”  Jasper spat back.  “I would never do that!  It was Jameela – she’s the whore!”   

                Amethyst grew quiet while she tried to process this.  Finally, she took a deep breath and let it out slowly.  “Okay, um, I think you should talk to someone about this and no more dating site until you do.  Delete your profile.”

                “I guess I should.” 

                “No guessing.  At this point you’re doing dangerous shit and I’m almost sorry I suggested online dating.  We should both go to bed and tomorrow we’re going to find someone to help you.” 

                Jasper retreated to her room and undressed, not bothering to take her makeup off.  Most of her lip gloss was gone anyway.  She put on a comfortable night shirt and cotton shorts before sliding into bed.  She probably should shower…wash everything away, but she didn’t seem to have the energy.  She turned on her phone, opened the dating app and deleted her profile. 

                _You want to get rid of me?_   Jameela asked. 

                “I want you to stop ruining my life.” 

                _Then stop calling me a whore and maybe I’ll stop acting like one._

                Jasper put hand to her forehead.  “Please stop talking.  My sister thinks I’m crazy.”

                _You’re not, but…if you think you are, just do me a favor._

                “What?” 

                _Don’t get rid of me…_

                She reached her hand out as though Jameela might be lying beside her.  It scared her to keep this side of her around; it also scared her to let Jameela go.  “Okay.”


	8. Prison Break

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some flashbacks and difficult therapy conversations for Jasper in this one.

** Chapter 7 – Prison Break **

                The only thing Amethyst had thought to do was to drop the kids off at their grandparents and take Jasper to the hospital for evaluation.  “We could have waited until Monday, you know.” 

                “With you hearing voices, no.” 

                Her sister had insisted she pack some sweatpants and a few t-shirts along with other essentials.  Would they really keep her there?  Was she that crazy?  What would Allie be told?  What about work?  They stopped by the gym so she could pick up the necessary paperwork for an emergency extended leave.  Well, there would go her sick leave.  Thankfully, it didn’t require a lengthy description; the nature of her illness could be kept discrete – they just required a doctor’s verification that she’d be hospitalized and couldn’t work.  Her insurance would cover two weeks.  She recalled her month in the military psych ward and wondered how a civilian hospital might differ.  Hopefully they’d listen and not just shove her full of meds until she could hardly think.  She wanted someone to understand – really understand – what was going on in her head. 

                _Remember, you promised…_

                “I made no such promise.” 

                “What?”  Amethyst asked. 

                “I was talking to…never mind.” 

                Amethyst sighed as she walked with her sister towards the reception desk.  One she told them she was ‘hearing voices’ – though this was not quite accurate – they gave her forms to fill out for voluntary check in.  The first page was basic health information, which was easy because Jasper had to be the healthiest person in the family.  She shook her head at the family medical history as she recalled her father’s high cholesterol and her mother’s diabetes – both had high blood pressure and even Amethyst had been warned to lower her salt, fat and sugar intake.  Since Jasper had already committed to a healthy lifestyle since she joined the military, she had little to worry about, though she’d been watching her own blood pressure because, although still in a normal range, she noticed the numbers creeping up as she got older.  “You’re still healthy,” her doctor had explained.  “But, sometimes genetic factors play a part.” 

                The second page focused on her psychiatric history and past experiences that might be relevant to her mental health.  So, she wrote down as much as she could about her symptoms – about Jameela – about her past war experiences and even the assault by her sergeant, though that she felt more resolved about that than her time as a prisoner, and she stated she’d been in therapy before for it.  Finally, after she’d turned in the form and confirmed once again that she was checking in voluntarily, she hugged Amethyst and was escorted behind a set of double doors that would cut her off from the outside world until they deemed she was ready to return. 

                And cut her off they did – taking her cell phone so she couldn’t call or text anyone or access the internet.  She reminded herself they must have their reasons and she had been told there was a phone she’d be able to use to call her family if she had to.  There would be visitation, but she wasn’t sure anyone would come see her.  A nurse went through her belongings and told her she’d have to remove the laces from her shoes and her dental floss would have to be locked up.  “Why?” 

                “So you don’t hurt yourself.” 

                She figured she’d have to be incredibly creative to hurt herself with floss, but supposed people must’ve found a way.  “What if I need to use it?”

                “Then you’ll be supervised.” 

                Jasper thought that was dumb, but kept her opinion to herself.  She was given a standard physical and then had a very brief interview with a psychiatrist.  Too brief, she felt, to be adequately diagnosed or prescribed medication, but he did anyway, stating it sounded like aside from the obvious PTSD, she had a borderline personality disorder. 

                She had been told activities would be regulated and she’d have to adhere to a strict schedule.  That didn’t sound too different from her life in the military.  When she was shown back to her room, with a few moments alone before the scheduled dinnertime, she reached into her bag and pulled out the tan teddy bear Allie had sent her one year when she was deployed.  She had kept it, along with the one Bismuth had been sent, but now they were separated.  The bear’s cocoa counterpart waited at home on the bedside table for her return.  The hospital staff had taken her tags, deeming them a threat apparently, but she still wore her camouflage.  When she was on deployment, she’d often keep the bear in her trunk, only taking it out when she was alone.  She really hadn’t needed to feel embarrassed; other women received gifts like that from their children and spouses.  Now, it was a reminder of her daughter when she couldn’t be with her and she reminded herself that she was doing this for Allie too. 

                _I like that_ , Jameela said.  _It’s cute._  

                “Heh, it’s from my daughter.  I keep it because…I miss her.”  Jasper felt pressure build behind her eyes and her throat constricted. 

                _I never had stuffed toys…or toys at all…or a childhood._

                “We can share it if you want.” 

                _Do you like it?_

                “Yeah.”  She was allowed to like cute things, right?  She didn’t always have to be so tough anymore.  She squeezed the bear’s paw, pressing on the sound cartridge hidden inside and heard Allie’s voice from years ago: “I love you, Mom.”

                Her jaw clenched.  She would not give into this.  Jasper was stronger than that. 

                _It’s okay to cry, you know._

                “I’m fine,” Jasper stated through her teeth even though her vision was blurring with hot tears. 

                It was as if she could feel Jameela’s presence beside her, a gentle hand on her back…comforting, almost motherly.  _Go ahead.  It’s okay._  

                And with Jameela’s permission, she allowed herself to sob.

*

                The medication didn’t make her as groggy as she recalled being in the military hospital, but by Sunday afternoon, she was definitely feeling emotional and she hated it.  She hadn’t cried this easily since her pregnancies – that was the one sure way she always knew she was pregnant – crying over stupid shit and craving coconut, which she normally hated.  She told her psychiatrist during another brief meeting on Monday and he said it was good she was getting in touch with her emotions.  “In touch with my emotions – fine – but crying at dinner because a single cup of lime Jell-o looks lonely among all the other flavors, that’s too much.” 

                He’d decrease one of her meds, which he said hopefully would help with being overly emotional.  It was after lunch on Monday she finally met with a counselor named June for individual therapy.  The office was much like the ones she’d been in before – comfy chairs, a shelf of toys to play with while she talked and a couple of lush, green plants.  Jasper had brought her bear with her, though now she felt silly for doing so.  

                “What’s her name?” her counselor asked.

                “I-I don’t know.  I never really named her.  I think I’m a little old to name a stuffed bear, or have one in general.” 

                “You’re never too old to have things around that comfort you.”

                _I want to name her_ , Jameela said. 

                Jasper rolled her eyes. 

                “Why that reaction?”  June’s tone was more concerned than angry. 

                “Sorry, Jameela says she wants to name the bear.  I’ll ignore her; this is our time.”

                “Jameela is welcome.  She’s part of the reason you’re here.  Does she want to say hello or is she shy?” 

                Jasper scoffed.  “Jameela, shy?  That’s a good one.” 

                “How long has she been with you?” 

                “About fifteen years.” 

                _I want to talk to her._

                “She’s worried I’m going to get rid of her.” 

                _Let me talk!_

                Jasper put a hand to her forehead.  “Shut up.” 

                “Okay, Jasper, let’s refocus.  Can you do that?”  When she nodded, June smiled.  “Good.  Can you tell me what was going on in your life when Jameela appeared?” 

                “I put it on my papers – it was when I was captured.”  Jasper launched into the story she felt like she’d told a million times.  “And, I don’t know – I guess she’s bent on finding someone like Akhram because she’s the crazy one.” 

                “We don’t use the word ‘crazy’ here.”  She made a few notes in Jasper’s chart.  “Women who have been in abusive relationships often end up in them again.  If Jameela came about because of Akhram’s abusive behavior and she believes that to be love, then that’s what she’s going to seek.”

                “But I didn’t end up with someone like that.  I married someone amazing.” 

                “This might sound like an odd question but how was your relationship with your father growing up?” 

                Jasper smiled at the thought of her dad.  Every girl should be so lucky to grow up with the love of a man like him.  When Bismuth had died, her father hadn’t hesitated to help be the strong male presence in Allie’s life as well.  She remembered the day Allie had come home at eight-years-old crying because she wouldn’t be able to go to the daddy-daughter dance like her friends.  When Jasper mentioned this to her own father, he said immediately he’d go, despite the fact that he didn’t dance.  He’d shown up in a suit, brought her a pink rose and took her to dinner before the event.  Allie had returned home, tired, but all smiles.  When he left, he’d kissed Jasper’s forehead.  “Good night, Baby Girl.”

                “Too old for that,” she’d said. 

                “No matter how old you are, you’re always my baby girl.”

                Jasper took a breath, focusing on the present.  “He’s been amazing my whole life.  He loves me and my sister.  After my husband died, he was there for both me and my daughter.  I don’t think I could have made it through that time without his help.” 

                “And your husband?  Was he similar to your father?”

                “Yeah.”  Jasper wiped away moisture from her eyes and thanked June when she was handed a tissue.  “He was caring and understanding.  He knew the type of past I’d come from and tried his best to be patient.  Like, when he came back from deployment and we really started dating, we didn’t even have sex for seven months and Jameela wants to hop into bed with random guys like a whore.”

                “It sounds like that’s all Jameela has known – she’s the side of you that has been abused to a point that makes you scared to trust again.  It’s easy to get a single night of physical comfort but to throw yourself into a relationship is scary especially when you’ve had such a wonderful one.  You deserve happiness and you deserve love – to love yourself, to love others and to be loved by others.  Jameela is a part of you that doesn’t know this and until all of you can accept that, I don’t think she’ll be put to rest.” 

                Jameela sat on her couch silently as though absorbing this information.  Jasper wanted to ask her what she was thinking, but decided a conversation with her inner self was not a good idea right in front of June.  Once back in her room, however, she sat on the bed thankful her roommate – Betty or Carolyn depending on the personality – was not back.  “What do you think, Jameela?” 

                _I still want to believe he loved me.  If he didn’t…then why did he want to make me his wife?_

                “Because he wanted to control you…us…me…us.  He wanted children, then he took that away.”

                _We were on the floor, weren’t we?_

                Jasper let her mind wander to that last day in the prison.  She could feel the cold concrete through the fabric of her dress and Akhram’s hand squeezing the thigh of her unbroken leg, pushing it to the side.  There was a metal rod in his hand…then it was in her. 

                “Are we okay in here?” a nurse asked as she stopped by the door.

                Jasper wiped away the solitary tear trailing down her cheek.  “Yeah.” 

                “Do you want to talk to someone?” 

                “No.”

                After the nurse’s footsteps trailed off down the hall, Jameela reached up and removed the sheer veil from her face.  _He murdered our baby, didn’t he?_  

                “Yeah, he did.” 

                _And that’s when you protected me…_

*

                There was a sort of freedom despite being confined and on a schedule.  Jasper was free from mindless distractions like text messages and social media.  She was definitely free from thinking about dating.  She did talk about Bismuth in therapy and the impact his death had on her.  “I mean, we were both prepared to make the ultimate sacrifice.  We just both hoped neither of us would have to.” 

                “That’s understandable.  Do you feel you’ve accepted his death?” 

                Jasper shrugged.  “If I’m ready to date again, I suppose I have.  I mean, I’ll always miss him.  I don’t think I’ll find anyone like him, but I also don’t think he’d want me to be alone.  I try to remember the good times and I find myself smiling when Allie reminds me of him.”

                There were three other widows in group therapy and one other military veteran.  Jasper participated ‘enough’ in group sessions, but she didn’t really like everyone else knowing her business. 

                “You know, everyone on this ward has their problems – things they’re working on,” June told her one day.  “You don’t need to be afraid to speak up.” 

                Perhaps they were all in the same boat, but she was not like the guy who always mumbled to himself – or rather, to the voices he heard in his head.  Nor was she like the woman who constantly had to be told to put her top back on.   She supposed she had some similarities to her roommate as she said: “Goodnight Betty and Carolyn.”  Jasper was still unsure who was the dominant personality. 

                “Good night Jasper and Jameela.”

                Her psychiatrist was concerned that she was still hearing Jameela and considering her a real person and once again tweaked her meds, which left her in a groggy state on the third day in which she couldn’t hear Jameela or communicate with her.  The counselor leading group therapy told her that was a good thing and meant the meds were working.  After she’d said she wasn’t like the others, she completely fell apart sobbing, yelling in front of everyone.  “You took her away from me!   I need to talk to her!  I promised her – I promised I wouldn’t get rid of her!” 

                One of the supervising nurses came over.  “Do you want to go somewhere to talk about it?”

                “What’s the point?!  Everyone already knows I’m bat shit crazy!” 

                “We don’t use the word ‘crazy’ here,” the nurse reminded her. 

                Jasper swiped the tears from her cheeks.  “That’s how I feel!  That’s how the meds make me feel – it’s not helping!  None of this is fucking helping!” 

                She didn’t feel embarrassed until later when she was in her room after being guided there by one of the nurses.  Maybe she shouldn’t have freaked out, but she couldn’t help it.  She could feel it building like pressure under a volcano until she’d exploded.  “Do they hate me?” 

                “No,” Betty or Carolyn answered.  “You’re not the first to wig out – not the last.”

                A nurse brought their meds on time at nine-thirty.  The way her roommate’s eyes lit up, you’d think she was getting a hundred dollar bill.  Jasper looked at the pills in the small paper cup.  She jiggled them trying to figure out which was the new one, but she hadn’t really paid attention to what they were giving her.  Suddenly it was too much – just like the military hospital – they wanted to drug her up instead of getting to the root of the problem and actually helping her!  She placed the cup back on the bedside table without taking the pills.  

                “Jasper, are we having a problem?” 

                She absolutely hated how they treated her like a child, despite her acting like one earlier.  “I promised Jameela I wouldn’t get rid of her and now she’s not talking to me.” 

                “That’s a good thing.   Isn’t it much quieter without her in your head?”

                “No.  I need to know she forgives me.” 

                “Jameela isn’t real.” 

                “Yes she is!  She’s part of me!”

                “No, Jasper, she’s not.” 

                Jasper knocked the cup and pills on to the floor.  “You’re not taking her from me!”

                The nurse left the room and Jasper felt triumph for only a moment before she returned with a very large orderly.  She held out a new paper cup with pills in it.   “One more chance, Jasper.  Are you going to take your meds tonight or not?” 

                “I’ll take the ones that don’t…I mean, I need her back.” 

                “You take them all or we hold you down.” 

                Jasper’s eyes darted around wildly and she jumped off the bed, heading for the bathroom, but was grabbed by the guard…orderly…no, guard.  She was back in the prison, shoved to the floor; the large guard with a beard was ripping her uniform with his bare hands.  Jasper screamed and tried pushing him away while the other soldiers looked on, horrified.  He grabbed the back of her hair and the last thing she remembered was her forehead colliding with the concrete wall before everything went dark. 

*

                Her eyelids opened slowly and she felt incredibly weighed down as though her body was stuffed with sand.  Surprisingly she was not hurt.  Jasper took a breath and for a moment her mind remained clouded until she remembered the events of the previous night.  “Jameela…” 

                _I’m here, Jasper._

                Tears flooded her eyes as relief overtook her.  “I’m sorry – I didn’t mean to…they…”

                _I know._

                She attempted to wipe the tears away, but she could only move her hands a few inches as something clinked against the bedrails.  Soft fabric encased her wrists and it took her a moment to realize they’d put her in restraints.  But Jameela was here…she was with Jasper and her mind didn’t feel nearly as chaotic as it had the day before.  “Jameela, I was so scared.  They…I remembered the prison and the room – the one with the other soldiers – and that guard – Kawartaz…”

                _That asshole._

                “I…I remember what he did…he…”

                _Shhh, it’s okay. I know what he did._

                “I was so scared.” 

                _He scared me too._

                When a nurse came in – a different one – she explained that Jasper had an ‘episode’ and they’d sedated her, restraining her to keep her safe.  The psychiatrist would later tell her he believed the combination of different medications was likely to blame for her break down and he would once again change them.  “I want to keep talking to Jameela,” she told him. 

                He made some notes but didn’t promise she could keep Jameela in her life.  It scared her to think of what it would be like without her. 

                “I hear you had some trouble last night,” June said when Jasper came to therapy that afternoon.  “Do you want to talk about it?” 

                “When they were restraining me, I had a flashback…to the prison.” 

                “Do you want to tell me what it was?” 

                “I don’t really talk about it.”  Jasper’s heart thudded and she held the stuffed bear closer to her.  Her fingers ran over the material of its uniform. 

                “It must be difficult keeping that inside.” 

                Jasper had only ever admitted to Bismuth that, yes, the story the other soldiers told was true, but never went into specifics.  She wanted to tell someone and she didn’t.  After several minutes, she took a breath, eyes still fixed on the floor.  “Um…Jameela wasn’t there yet.  I was in a room with three other soldiers…” 

                Over the course of about thirty minutes, she told her therapist the story of what happened in that room for the first time in around fifteen years.  Kawartaz had marched in…

                “He was huge – like six or seven inches taller than me – fuckin’ mountain man beard and built like you wouldn’t believe.” 

                He hadn’t been amused that she’d used a hair pin to pick the locks on their handcuffs.  He’d cuffed the men to pipes on the wall then moved toward her.  Jasper had rolled her eyes and picked up the spare set of cuffs.  He’d ripped them from her hands and backhanded her across the face.  Before she could even wonder what she’d done, one large hand was pushing down on her chest while the other undid her belt and tossed it across the room. 

                “I knew what he meant to do…” 

                And she’d fought.  She’d given herself to Akhram – the commander – and knew he’d told his men not to touch her.  Kawartaz was significantly stronger and hit her, punched her in the stomach, broke zippers, ripped fabric, pulled her hair…put a hand around her neck, holding her down until she broke – screaming, begging for him not to do it. 

                “And he did…with me pathetically pleading for him not to…he did it in front of them.  They all saw…they saw me…they saw that happen to me.”  She took a shaky breath and soaked up her tears with a tissue.  “I was supposed to be their support…the strong one…the one in charge…and I completely failed.” 

                “Jasper, what happened to you was not your fault.  You didn’t fail at anything.  What he did to you was wrong, very wrong, and I’m sure your soldiers felt for you – that they were concerned.” 

                “They tried talking to me the next day.  I told them we were not going to discuss it.  That night I was taken to Akhram’s room and I didn’t see them again for two months.”

                “Did this guard assault you after that first time?” 

                Her fingers ran across the bear’s ear, the fuzzy fabric distracting her.  She didn’t feel like talking about the times with Kawartaz – ever.  At least Akhram could _act_ loving even if it was all façade.  Jasper remembered always wondering what kind of mood Akhram would be in, fearing when he was angry and craving when he’d touch her gently and speak soft words.  Kawartaz would just grab her and go for it, saying very little or laughing.  She hugged the stuffed animal to her and kept her gaze on the floor. 

                “Jasper, do you want to tell me what you’re thinking?”

                Fresh tears sprung to her eyes.  “I knew…when they realized I was a woman, I knew it would happen.  They were my enemy and I expected it, but it still hurt.” 

                “An experience like that is traumatic even if you expect it, but nothing that happened was your fault.” 

                “I know that.  My biggest issue with this experience is that I went from being respected and looked up to being treated like I was nothing.  If they weren’t fucking me or beating me, they were ignoring me…”

                “How did that make you feel?” 

                “At the time, I was in survival mode.  I mean, I know I felt angry but I was just trying to live until I was rescued or escaped.  I felt I’d deal with it…after that.  I guess I felt worthless.  I talked about a lot of it when I was in the military psych ward and I felt like I healed, but I didn’t put everything on the table.”

                “Getting everything out is important, but the more important part is healing and moving on from that.  You’ll never forget it; it’ll always be a memory that’s painful, but it doesn’t have to rule over you.  You left the prison – physically – but I think Jameela is still a part of you that never did.”  

*

                Jasper was relieved that no one in group therapy held her break down against her.  “We’ve all been there,” one woman told her.  “When they’re figuring your meds out, it’s common to cycle through emotions.  I mean, we’re all individuals with our own problems and own stories, but on some level we all understand.”

                “We’re sick,” another said.  “That’s all.  Just like any physical illness, we’re on a journey to heal and get better.  We’re still all deserving of love and compassion.  Sometimes that’s what we need the most.”

                After that, she participated in both group and individual therapy, took her meds and even took part in ‘therapies’ that she wanted to laugh at but found relaxing.  It had been a long time since she’d colored or made macaroni pictures, but somehow art therapy helped calm her, especially after an intense counseling session.  One day, comfort animals were brought in and Jameela was interested, so Jasper let her take over as she knelt down and ruffled the ears of a cocker spaniel.  She laughed as the dog licked her face.  “You’re so friendly.”

                And Jasper realized her counselor had been right – Jameela had never left the prison and her only outlet up until now was sex.  However, with Jasper being in counseling, even Jameela was beginning to see the truth of what she’d been through.  _Sometimes Akhram really wasn’t very nice_ , she told Jasper one day.  _I was doing what he wanted, so why did he have to hold me down and hit me?_

                “Because he was manipulative and cruel,” Jasper replied.  It was late and she was laying in bed, the bear at her side waiting for the sleeping pill to kick in.  “And neither of us deserved that.” 

                _I feel…sad when I think about it.  And I feel angry because he made me believe I loved him.  I thought he would be my husband and we’d have a child and be happy.  But that wouldn’t have been the case, would it?_

                Clearly she’d been paying attention in therapy when they discussed expressing feelings.  “Nope.  If we gave him a son, he’d probably just want another one and would just rape us over and over to get us pregnant again.  I don’t want to think about what would have happened if that child was a girl.”

                _Can we switch for a while?_

                “What are you going to do?” 

                _Cry._

                “Okay, one second.”  Jasper pressed the bear’s paw to hear her daughter’s voice telling her she loved her and smiled briefly before taking a deep breath, retreating into herself and sitting at the familiar table.  Jameela lay in bed and allowed a few tears to silently escape before she curled up and sobbed until she fell asleep.

*

                  _Concrete.  Why was the ceiling concrete?  And why was she laying with her knees bent, feet dangling off the bed?  Her eyes took in her surroundings – plain walls, a barred window, a table with chairs – a gun propped up against it.  She breathed in the dry air.  Someone was beside her and she knew who it was.  Jasper reached over and squeezed Jameela’s hand._

_“He hurt us,” she said._

_“Of course he did.  The fucker is hung like a five dollar footlong.”  Jasper grunted as she sat up and stood, smoothing the dress over her legs.  She could hear Kawartaz’s groan of relief from the bathroom.  If this dream was supposed to be different, well, it wasn’t going to be.  Without hesitation, she grabbed the gun, checked the ammo and glanced over her shoulder at Jameela who was now sitting up.  Her alter-ego’s eyes narrowed and she nodded as if giving permission.  As if Jasper needed it._

_Jasper kicked open the door of the bathroom with a loud bang that resounded through the small room.  Kawartaz looked over and scoffed.  “You don’t know how to use that!”_

_Pop!  Splat!  Pop!  Splat!  Thud._

_She returned to Jameela, who looked horrified at the bathroom walls now painted as red as her outfit.  If Jameela got an awesome outfit, then why couldn’t Jasper have one?  She looked down transforming her plain black dress to the camouflage she felt comfortable in.  The solider and the woman – two sides of one whole.  One could not exist without the other. “Coming?”_

_“Yes.”  Jameela leapt off the bed and they strode toward the door only to have it open suddenly.  Jasper raised her weapon at Akhram._

_“I have been your prisoner long enough.  Let us go!”_

_He laughed.  “You’re never escaping, not as long as she’s with you.”  He pushed past Jasper and stroked Jameela’s cheek.  “You would never shoot me.  Tell me you love me.”_

_Jameela put her arms around him and let him hold her.  Jasper rolled her eyes but then Akhram let out a strangled yelp and fell to the ground.  Jameela was left standing there – his dagger in her hand.  She shook with rage, screamed and jumped on him.  “I HATE YOU!”_

_Jasper considered putting a bullet in his head, but that would have been too kind.  Instead, she stood and watched as Jameela plunged the sharp weapon into him over and over, even after he was dead.  Finally, she stopped, breathing heavily and dropped the weapon to the floor with a clatter.  She looked up at Jasper, tears shimmering in her eyes.  “He can’t hurt us anymore…”_

_“No, he can’t.”_

_“And I’m not a whore.”_

_“You never were.”_

_And instead of casting her out, Jasper embraced her as she stood.  “Ready to get out of here?”_

_Jameela bent down and picked up the dagger.  She used her harem pants to wipe the blood off, then changed her outfit to a modest white dress with a pink floral pattern, sliding the weapon into a holder strapped to her leg.  “I’m ready to face the world with you.”_

_They turned to the door and together they stepped out into the sun._

_*_

Two days later, they walked out of the double doors of the psych ward for good.  She’d still need to take medication and seek counseling outside, but Jasper was free…and so was Jameela.


	9. Nature's Way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot to cover in this chapter - some of which may seem random but may be important later on, but I got to write more of Allie and she's always fun. :)   
> We'll get back to Jasper's romantic life next chapter.

** Chapter 8 – Nature’s Way **

                “Happy birthday to you…” 

                Amethyst grinned broadly as she blew out the candles on her birthday cake.  She took a breath and got the three that hadn’t gone out.  Her father chuckled.  “We need to call the fire department?” 

                “Oh, haha.”  Amethyst stuck out her tongue.  “Wait till your birthday, old man.”

                Her mother started picking off the candles.  “How does it feel to be thirty-two?” 

                “I’m thirty-three.” 

                Her mother’s brows knitted together and she shook her head.  “Of course.” 

                “After twenty-one, all birthdays just sort of meld together,” Jasper commented. 

                Amethyst laughed.  “That’s because you can then spend them drinking.”

                “So, Jasper, are you planning to see Tani again?”  Her mother set a piece of cake in front of her after serving Amethyst.

                “Maybe if we were the last two people on Earth and we had to repopulate the planet…maybe.”

                “Joshua Tauati is divorced and he has two boys so Allie would have brothers.”  She placed a plate in front of her oldest granddaughter.  “Wouldn’t you like that Allie?” 

                “Boys are gross,” Allie told her.

                Jasper scraped some frosting from her cake.  “Yeah, I haven’t liked any of the Samoan guys I’ve dated thus far so, unless The Rock suddenly becomes available, I think I’m done.” 

                “You know the man who did your tattoo; his son is single,” her mother said. 

                Her father raised an eyebrow.  “He’s like twenty-four.  I mean, if Jasper wanted to date him…”

                “No.”

                “…it would be her decision, but that’s quite an age gap.”

                “I think I’m taking a break from dating for a while,” Jasper ate a bite of cake before continuing.  “I want to work on some ‘me’ stuff.”  Well, Jameela needed some work too, but she seemed perfectly content lately in her new apartment in Jasper’s mind.  She had her new clothes, a white couch and lots of flowers around her.  Most importantly, she no longer seemed to have an insatiable appetite for sex.  Jasper wasn’t sure exactly when she’d leave, but knew it would be when they were both ready.  _Oooooh, is that chocolate?  Can I have a bite?_

                Jasper switched with her and Jameela savored her bite of cake.  “This is really good.  Oh, happy birthday, Amethyst.” 

                “Thank you,” Amethyst’s tone was slow.  “You said that already.”

                “You can never have too much happiness,” Crystal told her mom. 

                “How long are you going to wear that on your head?” Crystal’s grandmother asked.  “We can’t see your pretty hair.”

                Crystal was still insisting on wearing a hijab and rather than try and discourage it, her father had bought her more in almost every color of the rainbow and fancy pins to both hold them in place and decorate them.  The one she had in her pink scarf today was in the shape of a butterfly.  Jasper took the opportunity to switch with her alter-ego, but not before Jameela had helped herself to one more bite of cake. 

                She later helped her mother in the kitchen cleaning up while the kids and Amethyst were in the living room talking with her dad.  They worked in silence for a few moments before her mom asked: “How are you doing since you got out of the hospital?”

                “I’m fine.  I just had some things to work through.”

                “Do you want to talk about it?” 

                Jasper laughed lightly as she dried the dish her mom had handed her.  “I think I talked enough about it in therapy and quite honestly, I’m not sure you and Dad want to hear it.” 

                “Is it because of something we did?” 

                “No, it’s because of things that happened in the Army.” 

                “I never did want you to join.”  Her mother shook her head disapprovingly.

                “Well, I did – there’s no changing that now and overall, it was a wonderful experience that made me stronger and built my confidence.  I mean, if it weren’t for the Army, I wouldn’t have met Bismuth, which means I wouldn’t have had Allie.  There were just a few incidents I’d rather not relive.”

                “You mean when you were captured?”  Her mother dried her hands and pulled Jasper’s hair back, running her fingers through it.  “I remember when you came back with short hair.  It’s gotten so long now.” 

                Aside from trimming it to keep the ends from splitting horribly, Jasper had never cut it since the day Akhram had sliced through her braid with his knife.  After nearly fifteen years it was well past her rear, but still healthy and shiny. 

                “Remember when I used to brush your hair when you were little?”  When Jasper nodded, her mom continued.  “My mom used to do that for me, too.  She’d use a little coconut oil for the tangles and gently comb through it.  We’d decorate it with flowers and shells.”  She chuckled.  “Now it’s all gone gray.  Happens far too quickly, doesn’t it?” 

                “I don’t have gray hair.”  She felt a twinge of pain on her scalp.  “Ow!” 

                In her mother’s fingers was one strand of hair, dark at the ends, but there were a few inches that would have been more toward her head that was lighter.  Her mom smiled and placed a hand to her cheek.  “You still have some years left, but we’re all getting older, aren’t we?” 

                Jasper made it a point to visit the hair salon to get her dye job touched up.  Her natural hair was black, but in the right light one might be able to make out undertones of deep brown.  For years she’d had caramel highlights placed to make it less boring.  Perhaps she should go back to her normal color.  Her mother stepped beside her again and put a hand on her arm.  “You’re still a beautiful woman, Jasper.  I just want to see you settled with a man who will love and care for you.  That’s why I try to suggest men for you to date.  Joseph is a doctor, you know.” 

                “You mean Joshua?  I think I dated him when I was eighteen.”  Of course, she’d dated EVERY son of her mother’s friends who was of marriageable age.  She hoped he wasn’t the guy with the small dick who practically tried to eat her face.  “Before I agree to anything, why is he single?” 

                “His gold digger wife left him for another man and he still had to pay her alimony and child support.  Imagine that.”  Her mother shook her head.  “That’s why everyone told him not to get involved with a white woman.”

                “Mom!”  Jasper had never known either of her parents to say anything like that, especially after teaching their children to respect all people.  “Her color should not matter.”

                “I’m not everyone; I didn’t tell him that.  Like I said – we’re a liberal family.” 

                “Are you going to now tell me that Amethyst’s friend Peridot is white and you got her…I don’t know…a pumpkin spice latte or something?”  God, she felt bad saying that even if it was in jest.

                “Lesbian, straight, white, black…I don’t know…Klingon…Jasper, it doesn’t matter who you date as long as whoever they are makes you happy and treats you right.  You know your father and I have always felt that way.  I just figured I’d put a suggestion out there, but you don’t _have_ to go out with him if you don’t want to.”

                She almost considered giving in just to shut her mother up, but then that would snowball if she did.  If she decided she didn’t like Joshua…or Joseph…now even she was confused on the name…her mother would pester her about why they weren’t pursuing a relationship.  No, this was her life, not her mom’s.  Her mom already had the perfect man for her and they were still very much in love.  Jasper could find someone to live out her life with on her own – or not – she didn’t _need_ a man in her life to be happy. 

                _It would be nice to have one though_ , Jameela said. 

                Jasper agreed with that – nice, but not necessary.  “I think I can find my own dates.”

                “I know we don’t always agree on everything, but you know I love you, Jasper.” 

                “I love you too, Mom.”  That much was true, but damn was the woman always in her life.   Later on, once she was home, she sat on the edge of Allie’s bed while her daughter perched cross-legged in front of her to have her hair brushed.  Allie was getting so tall and it was hard to believe she was almost twelve.  Jasper reflected on how much like a child she still looked…and how quickly that would change in the next few years.  “You know, Allie, very soon you might want to start dating…” 

                “Can I date a girl if I still don’t like boys?”

                “Absolutely.  You can date whoever you want as long as they treat you with respect and kindness.  I promise I won’t be like your grandmother and insert myself in your business unless it’s absolutely necessary.”  Jasper hit a snarl with the brush causing Allie to jump.  She gently began working it out.  “Sorry.” 

                “Can I cut my hair?  It takes forever to brush.” 

                “It’s up to you.  If that’s what you really want.” 

                “Maybe I can cut it and put it in braids.  Ruby just texted me a picture and she got braids in her hair and they look really cool.”  She pulled up a photo on her phone of her cousin whose hair, which had normally been in a wild afro was now controlled in cornrows. 

                Jasper nodded.  “I’d have to find someone who knows how to do that.”  Garnet kept her hair natural, but Jasper wondered if maybe she knew how, then shook her head.  Certainly not every black person knew how to braid hair like that.  Bismuth wouldn’t have known how to do it if he’d had step-by-step instructions.  Jasper considered this was part of Allie’s heritage she really didn’t know much about.  How long had it been since she’d seen Bismuth’s family?  The last time was just after Jasper had left the Army, so close to two years ago.  While Jasper’s family had done well to immerse Allie in everything Samoan, they often neglected that Jasper’s daughter was also African-American and that was just as important.  Perhaps this was why Crystal was so instant on wearing a hijab and learning about Islam and by extension her Iraqi heritage.  “Allie – if your grandparents agreed, would you want to go see them over spring break?”

                “You mean Grandpa and Grandma Cordero?  Really?”  Allie’s eyes lit up.  “Yes!  I can see Ruby and Sapphire again and ride a horse!  Not a pony this time but maybe I’m big enough to ride a real horse!”

                Jasper chuckled, now dragging the brush smoothly through her daughter’s hair and twisting it into a single braid down her back to help avoid tangles while she slept.  No doubt Allie would dream of having adventures in Texas tonight.  “I’ll call them tomorrow and make sure it’s okay, though I’m sure they’d love to see you.” 

                She kissed Allie’s cheek and pulled the covers up around her, wondering how many more times she’d get to do this before her daughter was too old.  Jasper went to her bathroom, surveying her face in the mirror and remembering her mother saying she was still beautiful.  She supposed this was true. 

                _Can I say something_ , Jameela asked.

                “Go ahead.” 

                _Samoan-American, African-American…I just want to say that the important thing is that Allie is American, which is how you wanted to raise her._

                Jameela had a very good point.  That was what Jasper and Bismuth agreed on, but digging deeper than that meant realizing their country was a melting pot of different people with their own unique cultures and for Allie to move forward into who she would become, it was important to understand where those who lived before her were from and what traditions they held dear.  She thought about how her mother had always been trying to tell her about Samoa, to pass on stories from her childhood, to teach Jasper to perform traditional dances or to cook with the recipes passed down from generation to generation…the ones Amethyst could pull off flawlessly.  Jasper removed her shirt, focusing on the tattoo covering her left shoulder and arm.  She was much more like her father than her mother and maybe that’s why the feminine side of her still seemed so distant.  Perhaps part of working on herself meant working on understanding those she had come from.

*

                She hadn’t told anyone at work why she’d been in the hospital, but now that she’d been back for a week, the rumors and suspicions had died down.  When Greg saw her, he moved in for a hug then nervously pulled back.  “Sorry, I don’t know…that’s probably not appropriate. I’m just glad to see you’re okay.”

                His nervousness made Jasper chuckle.  “I’m doing much better.  Garnet filled me in on what she had you working on.”

                “Garnet was great, but I did miss working with you.” 

                Jasper picked up a barbell and handed it to Greg.  “That’s kind of you to say.  I missed exercise – it’s not like me to be inactive.”

                “Steven started baseball.  He’s not the greatest at it yet, but he’s having fun and getting exercise, so that’s the important thing.” 

                “Allie’s soccer team just started practicing again and she’ll probably be tested to get her green belt in karate soon.” 

                Greg grunted as he struggled to lift a barbell heavier than he normally did.  “Maybe I should see if Stuball wants to take martial arts.  I mean, in this world a person needs to know how to defend themselves.”

                “Absolutely.” 

                “Of course, being ex-military, you must know how to fight pretty well.” 

                “I can hold my own.  Allie will also learn to shoot when she’s a little older.” 

                “Whoa, whoa…you’re going to let your daughter handle a gun?” 

                Jasper grabbed the barbell before Greg nearly dropped it in shock.  “Probably in the next couple of years when she’s old enough to understand how to use one safely, of course.  I hope she never has to use one against another person, but I’ve unfortunately seen the worst of humankind and I want her to be able to protect herself.”

                “Well, I understand that, but you also don’t want to scare her too much.  There’s evil in the world, but there’s good too.  You don’t want to make her afraid to the point where she might miss out on wonderful experiences because she’s too scared of other people.” 

                Jasper supposed that was true.  After her own experiences, she had trouble trusting, but did she really want Allie to be suspicious of men just because a few of them were bad?  After she had finished the session with Greg, she returned to her office and sat down. 

                “Are you still attending Carol’s wedding?”  Garnet asked, referencing their co-worker. 

                “I was still planning on it, yeah.  I’m not sure what to wear.  I mean, it’s at that posh country club and all.  My red dress is too fancy and the black one…” 

                “Too dark for a wedding?”

                “I wore it to Bismuth’s funeral.” 

                “Oh.” 

                “I don’t think that would be good luck for a wedding.”  There was the new blue one, but it seemed too casual for such an occasion at a fancy place.  “I guess I’ll have to go shopping.” 

                _Yesssss_!  Jameela hissed excitedly.  _Let’s get our nails done too._

                “I might have Ames do my nails.”  Jasper examined her hand.  Her right hand was tan but vitiligo had turned her left hand and most of her forearm white.  She’d never had a professional manicure done because Amethyst always seemed to know the perfect shade of polish that would compliment both her hands. 

                “Good idea,” Garnet commented.  “Getting them done at a salon can get expensive.  You want to go shopping this weekend?”  

                Jasper had never been one for ‘girl time’.  Amethyst was the one who liked to go out with her friends and try on clothes and makeup.  She could just go into a store and pick out something that looked nice. 

                _Do it!  Do it!  Do it!_   Jameela encouraged.

                “I mean, I’m not really sure what I’m looking for…” 

                _DO IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!_

                “But, yeah, what the heck.  I’ll look for a dress.”   She checked her phone and saw two text messages. 

                Allie: _‘Can you pick up oranges on your way home?  Please?  I really want one.’_

                Mama C: _‘Allie is more than welcome to visit.  I’ll call you later and we’ll get her all set for travel.  Please make sure she has a nice church dress.  Easter is that Sunday.’_

                Jasper clicked her phone off and looked at Garnet.  “My daughter needs an Easter dress.  Do you mind if she tags along?” 

                “It would be great to see Allie again.”

                _Ping!_

                Allie: _‘Chocolate too.  Please.’_

                Jasper was by no means super strict about what Allie ate, but sweets were restricted to special occasions.  Oranges were sweet enough for a random Tuesday night.

                _Ping!_

                Mama C: ‘ _Don’t forget to get her a matching hat or bonnet_.’ 

                Did people even wear hats to church anymore?  She really wasn’t sure; she went on Christmas and Easter and never paid much attention to what they were wearing.  And where on Earth was she going to find a bonnet?  Jasper shook her head at how ridiculous a child Allie’s age would look in a bonnet. 

                _She’s not really so much of a child anymore_ , Jameela commented. 

                _Can it; she’s my baby_ , Jasper told her.

                _Not for much longer…_

*

                She arrived home after five, placing the bag of oranges on the counter.  Allie immediately ran up and grabbed one.  Jasper raised an eyebrow.  “You’re welcome.”

                “Heh…sorry…thank you.” 

                “Now put it back – we’re eating dinner in twenty minutes.  You can have it for dessert.  Now go change; you have karate practice at six-thirty.”  After Allie had left the kitchen, Jasper took out the pint of rocky road ice cream she’d bought for herself and shoved it way back in the freezer behind a bag of peas.  She felt bad that she had mentally said no to her daughter, but had picked up chocolate for herself. 

                Amethyst checked on the casserole in the oven.  She was wearing a T-shirt and sweatpants, her purple hair pulled up in a messy bun.  “Should be ready soon.”  She gently pushed Crystal away as she was trying to practically stick her whole head in the oven.  “You’ll burn your nose.”

                “Ames, code red?” 

                “God, yes.  You are so lucky you don’t have this anymore.”

                “They didn’t take everything; I don’t deal with the red, but I do get snappy and have cravings.”  She’d wait until the girls were in bed and then indulge in the whole pint of ice cream.  It was her one sinful vice she just couldn’t get rid of, though she didn’t eat it too often.  After the kids were in bed she knew both she and Amethyst would give in and satisfy their cravings.  Without a true period it was sometime hard for Jasper to tell when she’d be ‘on it’ but it seemed she followed her sister’s cycle fairly closely. 

                Both dinner and Allie’s karate class were uneventful, though Jasper always liked seeing her daughter fight.  Allie appeared powerful and confident as she sparred.  It reminded her of how fearless she’d been as a child when she witnessed Allie taking down an opponent bigger than her. 

                “You’re doing a great job,” Jasper told her in the car on the way home. 

                “My _sensei_ says I should be ready to test for my green belt in a month if I keep working hard at it.  I’m nervous, but also excited.”  Allie pulled the elastic band out of her damp hair, shaking it out.  “I need a shower, another orange and some chocolate.”

                Jasper considered this; she had exercised after all, but then she checked the time.  No, if Allie ate chocolate she’d be wide awake past her bedtime and she had school the next day.  “I think we have some chocolate chips.   I don’t want you eating a lot of sugar before bed, but I’ll put some in your lunch for tomorrow.” 

                “I guess that’s okay.” 

                “Well, I could just say no…”

                “No!  I mean, thank you.”

                “You can still have an orange if you like.” 

                “Yesssssss…” Allie hissed, pumping her fist. 

                Upon arriving home, Jasper went to work cutting up an orange and making Allie’s lunch for the next day while her daughter was in the shower.  

                “Wow, you’re letting her have chocolate chips?” Amethyst asked.  “Who are you and what have you done with my sister?” 

                “Be careful.  I could be Jameela right now and go straight up crazy on your ass.”  Jasper held the knife in Amethyst’s direction. 

                _Okay, I am NOT crazy_ , her alter ego protested.  _At least not that kind of crazy._

                Amethyst had to climb up on a step stool to reach her secret stash in a small cupboard above the sink.  “Since Crystal is already down for the night, might as well…” 

                “Aren’t you supposed to be watching your sugar intake?”

                She unwrapped a chocolate bar, broke a piece off and sank her teeth into it.  “Yeah, but it’s, you know, that time of the month.” 

                “And I understand that, but you eat like this the rest of the month too even after your doctor told you you’re at risk for diabetes.” 

                Amethyst rolled her eyes.  “Don’t you sound like Mom…” 

                “No, if I sounded like Mom, I’d be concerned about your weight and it impacting you finding a husband instead of about your health.  I’m not saying you have to be as strict as I am – in fact, I could probably lighten up and eat more junk food – but Ames, this isn’t just about you.  Crystal needs you around and if you want her to be healthy then you need to set a good example because she’ll learn her eating habits from you.”  She finished bagging up Allie’s food and put it in the fridge.  “I don’t say these things to nag, nor do I at all think you look bad – you’re very pretty – but because I care about you…you know.” 

                Her sister sighed and leaned back against the counter.  “It’s just hard.  Why does all the bad food have to taste so good?” 

                “I’ve been asking that my whole life.  Why can’t celery taste like…” she gestured to Amethyst’s candy bar.  “…freaking chocolate?” 

                “Right?!”  Amethyst shared a laugh with Jasper.  “We should invent that – chocolate flavored celery.  We’d make billions.”

                “Good luck with that.  I can’t keep a plant alive for anything.  I’m surprised Mother Nature let me assume responsibility over a human being.  Like, did she not see what I did to her cactus?”  Jasper was hit with the realization that the shower had turned off quite awhile ago and Allie never did come down for her orange.  “Speaking of, where is that girl?” 

                Jasper climbed the stairs; noticing the bathroom was unoccupied, she knocked on Allie’s door.  “Hey, you okay?” 

                “Yeah,” came the soft reply. 

                “Can I come in?” 

                “Yeah.” 

                She opened the door, seeing Allie curled up in bed already and sat on the edge, smoothing her hair.  “You don’t want your orange?” 

                “No.  My stomach hurts.” 

                Pressing her lips against her daughter’s forehead confirmed she didn’t have a fever.  Jasper felt fine, but perhaps dinner hadn’t agreed with Allie.  “Well, if you don’t feel better in the morning, we’ll make a decision about school then.  Did you throw up or anything?” 

                Allie shook her head.  “I don’t even feel sick.  I mean, I’m tired, but it’s bedtime so of course I am.” 

                “Hopefully it’s just something you ate and you’ll feel better in the morning.” 

                “You already cut my orange, didn’t you?” 

                “Yes, but that’s okay.  I can eat it and there are more.” 

                Tears shimmered in her ears.  “You’re a good mom.” 

                Okay, this was unusual.  Not that Allie didn’t ever cry, but she was much like Jasper in that there needed to be a reason – generally a good reason – for her to do so.  “You’re a good kid.  Are you sure everything is okay?” 

                “Yeah, everything’s fine.” 

                “Allie?” 

                “Can’t a girl just want to cry for no reason?!” she snapped.

                Jasper’s eyebrow raised of its own accord.  “I guess…especially when you’re tired.  I’ll let you sleep.”  She hugged her before leaving and closing the door. 

                _I hate to say it, but…_

                “No.  It can’t be.”  She was only eleven, just a child. 

                _Eleven and half_ , Jameela corrected.   _Be compassionate.  Be understanding.  This is new for both of you._

                “I’m not ready for this.” 

                _Neither is she._

*

                Jasper wasn’t sure why she expected Allie to calmly mention perhaps before they sat down for breakfast the news that was inevitably coming.  Instead, she was shaken awake by a very panicked eleven-year-old that morning.  “Mom!  Mom!  Something’s wrong!” 

                She rubbed her eyes before opening them and squinting at the clock.  It was six.  She didn’t have to be at work until nine and Allie didn’t catch the school bus until eight forty-five.  Her brain was too fuzzy at first to recall anything from the night before.  “What’s wrong?” 

                Allie took a few quick breaths, her voice thick as though she might start crying.  “I’m bleeding…” 

                _God damn it_ , she thought.  “Allie, calm down.  We had a talk about this, remember?”

                “You said there would be a little bit of blood!  That’s what you said!  This isn’t a little bit!” 

                More awake now, Jasper clicked her light on and could clearly see the red stain on Allie’s pajamas.  “Calm down.  It always seems like there’s more than there really is.”

                “But…why is this happening now?!  I have school; couldn’t this wait till the weekend?!”

                “If you can find a way for women everywhere to schedule their periods when it’s convenient, you’ll be everyone’s hero.  Unfortunately, it happens when nature decides you’re…” she couldn’t believe she was about to say this.  “…blossoming into a young woman.” 

                “I’m not ready to be a woman!”

                Jasper fully agreed with that.  She had started at twelve, but Amethyst had her first at ten, so Allie was right at that age.  “Well, like it or not, that’s Mother Nature’s way.  Come on, let’s get you sorted out.” 

                She had Allie hop in the shower while she grabbed some supplies from Amethyst’s bathroom, making a mental note to stop at the store on the way home.  Jasper closed her eyes, taking a deep breath.  No, she would not get all emotional over this the way her mom had.  She recalled her mom crying and gushing about Jasper being a woman now and what a momentous occasion it was.  Jasper had simply wanted to hide until the week was over. 

                However, she also didn’t want Allie to think of this as something shameful.  Private, sure, but a normal experience that marked a transition in one’s life.  For years it had been a nuisance in her life and every month she dreaded it and wished she didn’t have it.  It was the disruption of this regular cycle that always alerted her something was happening inside her body.  She would not pause to mourn the children she’d lost but instead remembered the day Allie had been handed to her.  She recalled counting fingers and toes, of looking at her face and trying to see who she resembled more.  After three other pregnancies that for one reason or another had not panned out, she’d stared in awe at the life she’d brought into the world and whispered: “I’ve waited so long to meet you.” 

                Yesterday Allie had been her little girl and now her body was capable of carrying life.  Jasper was hit with the realization she could have grandchildren someday and found herself wiping moisture from her eyes.  “God damn it.”

                When her daughter was done, Jasper handed her a pad.  “You got this?”

                “Yes,” Allie answered with a hint of attitude. 

                “The sticky side goes toward…”

                “I know!”  She slammed the bathroom door shut quickly. 

                Irritation rose in Jasper, but she knew this was new for Allie, so she’d ignore her daughter’s behavior and tone this one time.  She waited in her room until Allie came to her wearing fresh pajamas, sat next to her and hugged her.  “I’m sorry.” 

                Jasper rubbed her back.  _Jameela, if you’re my feminine side, help me say the right things._   “I know this is scary and confusing, but it’s a part of life and you’re going to be okay.” 

                “Were you scared when you got yours?” 

                She chuckled at the memory.  “I was embarrassed.  I was with my mom in the store when I went to the bathroom and saw that it had started, so I go to her and ask if she had a pad.  She starts immediately crying and announces to my dad and anyone else in earshot that I was a woman now and I just wanted to crawl in a hole and die.  At least yours started at home and I’m not going to announce it to the world.” 

                “I don’t want you telling anyone…except maybe Aunt Ames because she lives here.” 

                Jasper sighed and smoothed Allie’s hair back.  “This is not a bad thing, Allie.  I know it comes on unexpectedly and it’s different, but you’ll get used to it.  It’s actually a wonderful time in a young girl…woman’s life.” 

                “Mom…I’m bleeding from down there…that is _not_ wonderful!”

                “You’re right, that’s a straight up lie.  It’s gross as hell, but it’s life and you just have to live with it a few days each month.” 

                _Tell her the good things about it_ , Jameela said.  _Tell her what she has to look forward to._

                “You know, Allie, this means one day you can grow an entire human being inside you.  You can carry life and have children.  That really is wonderful.” 

                “Nice try, Mom, but I’ve seen a birthing video.  The ‘miracle of life’ is a disgusting process and I don’t think I want to go through it.”

                Yep, she was still eleven – still caught in the middle somewhere.  “You might change your mind someday.” 

                “Do I have to go to school?” 

                “Yes.” 

                “But…”

                “Allie, if I had to go into combat while on mine, you still have to go to school.”

                Her daughter sighed and looked at the floor.  “I thought I had more time.”

                “Trust me, so did I, but we’re in this together and you can always come to me to talk about it…or anything else.  I’ll always be here for you.”

                This earned Jasper another hug.  She could promise she’d always be there, but it was now undeniable that Allie was growing up and as she did, she’d need her mother less and less.  Jasper held her daughter close, realizing this also marked the beginning of letting go.


	10. Girl's Best Friend?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ready to jump back into Jasper's dating life?   
> Some consensual NSFW at the end of this one. ;)

** Chapter 9 – Girl’s Best Friend?  **

                Their co-worker’s wedding was on the first weekend in March and Jasper felt confident in her new wine-colored cocktail dress.  The lace on the three-quarter sleeves concealed her tattoo well and was stretchy, allowing her muscles to not feel constrained.  It was form-fitting and the hem was higher on one side showing off her right knee, but hiding the left.  She met Garnet outside and they walked in together.  Her friend, who was carrying a wrapped box, gave her a look.  “You didn’t just get them cash did you?” 

                “You know how many toasters they’ll get?  Trust me, they’ll be ecstatic to get money.”

                “Her parents are probably already giving them a good chunk if they can afford this place.”   

                The country club was a huge, white building sitting atop a green hill that rolled down and flattened out to contain a golf course.  A huge pool area sat off to the other side of the main building, though it appeared to be closed until the weather turned warmer.  “They have a fucking pool?” 

                “Jasper, language.  The women here don’t fling expletives around every which way when they speak.”

                A snooty man at the door asked if they were club members, released a brief “hm” when they showed him their invitations and gave them directions to the ballroom.  Their heels clacked against the polished marble floor as they made their way through the foyer and down the hallway.  Two older ladies regarded them suspiciously with their eyes.  It was almost inaudible but Jasper heard one of them whisper.  “Remember the good old days?”  

                Jasper shook her head unaware they’d gone through a time warp to fifty years ago. 

                The other woman cleared her throat.  “What do you suppose that one is?” 

                “A mix of some kind, clearly.”

                “Yes, I’m mix of ‘nunya’ and ‘business’ and if you don’t…” 

                Garnet turned toward them, cutting Jasper off, her tone calm yet firm.  “Excuse me, but we were invited to a wedding and we are within our right to be here.”

                “Well you…two…have a good time.”  The older women walked off together. 

                “I really thought…”  Jasper shook her head, feeling her face still flushed with anger.

                “Things are much better than they were.  Still, in some circles, there’s clearly room for improvement.”   

                The wedding was a standard ceremony and looking around, Jasper didn’t recognize anyone from the groom’s side, but Carol had invited everyone who worked at the gym, so at least there would be some people she could chat with at the reception.  Really, she’d been more interested in the part of the invitation that promised an open bar.  It was also just nice to have a different experience every now and then – something different from the mundane. 

                _It would be so nice to have a wedding_ , Jameela said.  _I hope we find someone who loves us._

                As the vows were exchanged, Jasper couldn’t help think about her own wedding.  It definitely hadn’t been as fancy, being at the courthouse, but that didn’t mean it hadn’t been just as meaningful.  She looked down at her hands remembering the words she’d spoken with Bismuth and wondered if she could ever really promise her soul to someone again.  Would she ever find someone she loved that much to vow to share every aspect of her life with them? 

                “It was a beautiful ceremony,” Garnet said once they were seated at a table for the reception.  “I definitely wouldn’t spend this much money on one day though.” 

                “That was one deciding factor in our wedding, too,” Jasper told her.  Other reasons included the fact that she and Bismuth just didn’t want a huge ceremony and that she had been thirteen weeks pregnant when they got married.  She’d lost that baby three weeks later and Bismuth had immediately comforted her and she’d been there for him when they were hurting so deeply.  Based on the dates she’d been on, it was hard to believe any other man would be there for her like that.  “I’m going to hit up that open bar.” 

                Jasper walked up to the bar and waited her turn, finally walking up and surveying the bottles behind the counter.  She’d come a long way since her days of carelessly shooting back whiskey in order to get hammered.  “Scotch on the rocks, please.”  She’d sip it and get just the right amount of warmth settling in her. 

                A deep chuckle beside her caught her attention.  “Darlin’, you are the first girl I’ve seen who hasn’t ordered some fru-fru drink with an umbrella in it.”

                She turned, her dark eyes staring him down.  “I’m nobody’s ‘darling’.”

                “My apologies, ma’am,” he said in that smooth Southern accent.    

                _Oooh, he is cute_ , Jameela commented. 

                _He’s probably in his fifties_ , Jasper replied, then took a sly look as the bartended handed her the drink she’d asked for.  This man was clearly older, but in a refined sort of way.  His face was still remarkably handsome despite his white hair and trimmed mustache.  His eyes reminded her of the sky and caught her looking at him causing the corner of his mouth to twitch up in a smile.  _Yeah, okay, he’s not horrible-looking, but he still has to be like fifteen years older than me._

                “Bride or groom?” he asked. 

                “Bride – I work with her.” 

                “Are you also an aerobics instructor?”

                Jasper paused to sip her drink.  “Personal trainer.  And you?”

                “I’ve been friends with Carol’s father for years.  I run my own technology company – well, I run the East Coast side at least.”  He extended his hand.  “Alabaster Diamante.  And you are?” 

                “Jasper Cordero.”

                Instead of shaking her hand, he gently took it and kissed it.  “It’s a pleasure.” 

                The gesture startled her, but she didn’t pull her hand back until he let go.  She glanced down at his left hand and noted that he was not wearing a wedding ring.  He was, however, wearing a fine black suit that appeared cut and tailored to his masculine frame, which was neither too thin nor too heavy.  The suit was accented by a blue tie and honest-to-goodness gold cufflinks.  Jasper was unaware those were even made anymore.  He stood about an inch taller than her, but she reminded herself that her heels were adding about an inch to her own height.  Looking at him all put together, the word ‘gentleman’ came to her mind. 

                Jasper smiled at him and returned to her table as the waiters began moving around serving a ‘fancy’ dinner, that really appeared to be a simple chicken breast with some kind of sauce on it with rather plain potatoes and over-boiled vegetables.  She leaned in toward Garnet and whispered.  “How much you think they paid for this per plate?”

                Garnet nodded in agreement.  “Hopefully the cake is good.  Carol told me the other day it’s mocha flavor.” 

                “Sounds interesting.”  Jasper finished her drink as the best man continued giving his speech, which had been going on for a while now.  She glanced over at one of the tables near the front and saw Alabaster smile in her direction and wink.  Her cheeks felt warm remembering how he’d kissed her hand…it could possibly be from the scotch too.  _Jameela, allow or not?_  

                Jameela sat back on her couch, one hand to her chin as though she was thinking before finally speaking.  _Allow, but proceed slowly with caution._

                _Why caution?_

_We’re done with one night stands – make sure he wants more than that._

                It was after the cake had been cut and the first dance when others were heading out onto the floor that he approached their table and extended his hand.  “Shall we dance?” 

                “I…I don’t know how.”  Well, she had actually taken some dance lessons as exercise a few years back, but there was no pole in the ballroom…plus that was hardly appropriate dancing for a wedding.

                “You’ll never learn if you don’t try, darlin’.”

                “Okay.”  Jasper allowed him to lead her onto the dance floor and very soon she had fallen in sync with him as they swirled around to the music doing a simple four-step dance. 

                “Are you by chance a member?”  Alabaster asked. 

                “Are you kidding?  I could never afford this place.” 

                “I wasn’t sure if perhaps your parents were.”

                “My family has never been rich by any means.  I’m only here for the wedding.”

                “I’m from what we call old money, so I’m the only one who is a member of this particular country club.”

                “Oh.”  Jasper had no idea what to say to that; they were clearly from different worlds, so when the wedding ended there was little chance she’d see him again.  

                His thumb grazed the back of her hand.  “So, Jasper – a strong name for a strong woman – I noticed you are not wearing a wedding ring.” 

                “I am no longer married.” 

                “Divorced?” 

                “Widowed,” she said quietly.

                “My condolences.” 

                Jasper shrugged slightly.  “It was four years ago.”

                “No matter how much time has passed, you never stop missing them.”

                She smiled sadly.  “That’s true, but it’s time to move on.  It’s what he would have wanted.”

                Alabaster pulled her a little closer.  “I’d like to get to know you better.” 

                “Why me?  Why not someone more from…your social circle?” 

                “I already know everyone in my circle and you seem far more interesting.” 

                Jasper laughed lightly.  “I don’t know how interesting I am, but if that’s what you want.” 

                “Shall we meet for dinner tomorrow night?” 

                “Yes, I’d like that.”  Before she left that evening, she left with the name of a restaurant to meet him at, a time for their date and another gentle kiss on her hand.

*

                Jasper decided to be discrete about this one.  She gave only a few details to Amethyst, but when she told her the name of the restaurant, her sister’s eyes bugged open.  “He can afford that?  It’s uptown and expensive as hell.” 

                “I guess he can if he invited me there.” 

                “Then you need to wear a dress.  Pants are too casual for that atmosphere.”

                She decided to wear the flowing blue spring dress.  Her heart pounded as she allowed her GPS to guide her through this unfamiliar area of town that she sometimes drove through but never stopped in.  Jasper wasn’t surprised that there was only valet parking available and cringed when she saw the price.  Well, at least it was cheaper than a parking ticket.  Before she could reach for the door handle, a man in a work uniform had opened the door for her and she stepped inside the fancy restaurant, spotting Alabaster right away.  He gave her a friendly grin, showing off his perfect teeth and for two seconds she had thoughts of running out. 

                _Why?_   Jameela asked. 

                _I’m completely out of his league._

_I can take over if you…_

_Not on your life._

                Jasper smiled back at him.  “Hello.” 

                “You look stunning with your hair down.”

                She’d had it pinned up for the wedding, but tonight it flowed long and wavy down her back, making her think she resembled Jameela more than ever.  He kissed her hand and they followed a waiter back to a table by a window.  Jasper allowed him to order wine for them and then opened the menu and raised an eyebrow at the prices.  She also wasn’t sure what anything was as the dishes listed were all in French.  She figured she’d just order the item with the lowest price, but that turned out be escargot and she knew what that was.  Yuck!

                “You need help, darlin’?”

                “I…um…I didn’t take French in school.” 

                “Would you like me to order for you?”  Alabaster winked at her.  “Everything here is good.”

                She was going to have to put her pride aside this time.  Jasper reflected on how she used to be quite the feminist who at one point would never allow a man to do anything for her, much less something so old fashioned as order for her in a restaurant.  She folded her menu.  “That would be nice, thank you.  I’m not overly picky, but I don’t like coconut or eggplant.”

                “Does chicken sound good?” 

                “That would be fine.” 

                Alabaster ordered for them in French while Jasper sat with her hands folded.  Once the waiter walked off, he looked at her, one side of his mouth turning up into a gentle smile.  “So, if you don’t speak French, what language did you take in school?” 

                “Spanish, though I don’t remember much of it.  I speak Arabic though; I learned when I was stationed in the Middle East.” 

                “Military?  Were you a nurse over there?” 

                Was he for real?  Was every rich person stuck back five decades ago?  “No, I was actually a combat sergeant.” 

                “Well, I’ll be.  You’re quite the remarkable woman.  Do you speak any of your native language?” 

                Jasper resisted the urge to roll her eyes.  “My native language is English so, yes, I speak it fluently.  If you want to know my ethnic background, you could just ask instead of coming across as ignorant.” 

                “I meant no offense, darlin’.  Yes, I have been curious as to your ethnicity.  I thought possibly Hawaiian.”

                “My mother is from Savai’i – one of the islands of Samoa.  My father was from American Samoa.  My sister and I were born here.  And you?” 

                “I was born in Georgia where generations of my family lived for over two hundred years.  Before that, I think we could have come from anywhere in Europe.” 

                 The food was divine; Jasper wasn’t sure she’d ever pay that much for a chicken dish, but every bite was tender and delicious.  Over dinner, she told him about her military career and her family.  Alabaster was fairly silent about himself, but she did get out of him that he was fifteen years older than her and he had a sister who ran the West Coast division of the company. 

                Walking out at the end of the evening into the chilly night air, he kept a hand on her back.  “I would like to see you again, darlin’.” 

                “Really?” 

                “You seem surprised.” 

                “I just…we’re from two different worlds.  I’m not sure what you see in me.”

                Alabaster placed a hand on her cheek.  “Perhaps I’m not sure what it is yet, but I do know I want to see you again.  Would you like that too?” 

                “Yes.” 

                They exchanged numbers and set up a date for the following Friday.  He said he would call her later on in the week to finalize details.  “May I kiss you, Jasper?” 

                She hesitated for a moment, but he had only asked for a goodnight kiss unlike the others who wanted more.  Jasper nodded, granting him permission and closed her eyes as he leaned in softly pressing his lips against hers.  His arms were around her, holding tight and she could taste mint on his breath.  Only for a second did a worried shiver run up her spine as she felt his mustache tickle her skin, but she brushed the fear aside.  He had been nothing but kind to her and she had no reason to be scared of him.  Instead, that chill of fear was quickly replaced by tingles spreading from her lips and the places on her back where his hands rested warmly.  Alabaster pulled away as the valet brought her car around.  “I look forward to Friday.” 

                “Me too,” she breathed. 

                “Until then, darlin’.”  He kissed her forehead before walking her to the driver’s side of her car and making sure she got in safely.  One more quick kiss on the hand and then he smiled and walked off.  Jasper’s heart was skipping as she drove away from the restaurant.  She wasn’t sure what he saw in her or why someone that rich and important was interested, but she definitely couldn’t wait to see him again.

*

                Jasper felt discretion as still prudent as she met Alabaster the following Friday for dinner, Saturday for lunch and one evening during the week for drinks.  At that meeting, he covered her hand gently and said: “Now, darlin’, I hope this isn’t too forward, but I’d like to invite you to dinner on Friday evening…at my penthouse apartment.”

                “Oh…”  Jasper’s heart pounded. She knew exactly what would happen if she agreed.  She’d told herself no more casual sex.  In fact, she’d said no dating until she worked on her own issues. However, they had been out four times now and he’d never asked for more than a kiss.  _He’s treated me like a gentleman_ , she told Jameela.

                _Even gentlemen have dicks_ , her alter ego responded.

                 “I do apologize if it’s too soon to ask such a thing.”

                “No, no,” Jasper replied.  “I was thinking I would like that.”

                Alabaster squeezed her hand.  “Wonderful.  I’ll have my driver pick you up around six.”

                She supposed they knew each other enough that she could give him her address.  “That sounds perfect.”

                Jasper decided to do her very personal grooming the night before so on Friday after work she could quickly shower and change.  It had been forever since she’d worn the ‘va-va-voom’ dress, but she decided that if tonight ended the way she anticipated it would, she wanted to look her best.  The knee-length red dress still hugged her curves perfectly, the neckline dipping down to show just enough cleavage to be considered desirable, not distasteful.

                Jasper had become quite skilled at doing her makeup, lining her eyes perfectly and giving her lids a smoky effect.  Using a stain rather than a gloss, she made her lips the same shade as her dress.  Finally taking a look at herself in the full-length mirror she nodded in approval just as the doorbell rang.  She heard the running of little feet before her sister yelled: “Crystal!”

                Amethyst had already opened the door by the time Jasper descended the stairs and gave her sister a look.  “There’s some guy here driving a Rolls Royce to pick you up.”

                “I shouldn’t be out too late.” 

                “Who are you dating that owns a car like that?!” 

                “I’ll tell you everything when I can.”  Jasper hugged Allie who also had a skeptical look on her face.

                “At what hour should I call the police if you’re not back?” Amethyst asked. 

                “Just chill, Ames.  I’ve met up with him a few times now; he’s perfectly safe.”

                Amethyst sighed.  “Just…text me to stay in touch, okay?” 

                “Ames, I’ll be fine and I’ll tell you everything I can when I get back.”  She followed the driver outside and was escorted into the back of the car.  Jasper clasped her hands in her lap and wondered if her sister was right to be concerned.  _Jameela, you will help me, right?_

                _I’ll help by giving advice, but I’m not switching with you.  If you do this, you do it as you._

                _I’m nervous._

_That’s okay.  Just relax and go with it.  You’ve got this._

                She watched as small houses gave way to larger, fancy houses and finally to tall buildings until they pulled up in front of a large apartment complex.  She’d never been treated like someone important, but the driver opened her door and the usher at the front showed her to the elevator and pressed the buttons for her.  Jasper tried to calm her heart as she heard the gentle hum of the elevator as it lifted her high into the building. She was really going to do this…this was really going to happen. She quickly texted Amethyst that she had arrived safely before the motion stopped and the doors opened, pausing for a moment before she stepped out into the hallway and knocked on the oak door. 

                Alabaster greeter her warmly, taking her in his arms and giving her cheek a kiss.  “You look radiant, darlin’.” 

                She could feel herself meld to him as she gave into the embrace.  Perhaps it was the age gap, but he always made her feel protected and cherished.  What was wrong with her?  These were things Jameela would normally be feeling.  Jasper didn’t need a man, but having one hold her again…as though she mattered…as though she was worthy of love…it felt divine. 

                The apartment was spacious, decorated simply in black and white décor.  Dark rugs protected the hardwood floor from the furniture. In the kitchen, a cook was just plating dinner and gave Jasper a polite nod as Alabaster guided her to the table and pulled out a chair for her.  Jasper couldn’t remember being treated like a lady – ever.  There was a time she’d been a feminist, when she would have snapped at a man for daring to suggest she couldn’t do simple tasks for herself.  Even when she was married to Bismuth, equality was a huge part of their marriage – they both worked so they both helped with finances; they both did household chores, nothing divided up based on their gender, but rather their abilities.  Jasper had opened doors for him and had left little surprises to show him she loved him, just as he had done for her.  No man had ever pulled out a chair for her before.  She thought that sort of thing only happened in old-time movies.  Nonetheless, there was a part of that thought it was incredibly sweet.  She sat down at the small table and smiled when he took a seat across from her.  “You hesitated.” 

                “Yeah, no one’s ever pulled out a chair for me before.”  She looked at the fancy silverware already set out and the glasses filled with ice water and red wine.

                “I believe in treating a lady right.” 

                Jasper chuckled a bit.  “No one has ever called me a lady before either.” 

                “Why ever not?” 

                “I think once you’ve handled a grenade launcher, you’ve proven yourself to be one of the guys.”

                Alabaster laughed, seemingly taking little notice of the cook as he came over and set the plates on the table.  

                “Thank you,” Jasper said simply, earning her a look that told her the man didn’t hear this often. 

                “Anything else, sir, ma’am?” he asked. 

                Jasper was slightly put off by the way Alabaster simply dismissed the man with a wave of his hand, but kept her feelings to herself.  After all, he’d been absolutely wonderful with her.  She saw dinner was filet mignon next to a neatly stacked pile of thinly sliced vegetables topped with a red sauce.  She knew she’d seen this before and it took a moment before she realized it was ratatouille, but a very fancy version as opposed to simple chopped up stew Bismuth used to make. 

                “I remember you told me you like steak,” Alabaster said. 

                “It looks delicious.”  Jasper unfolded her napkin and put it on her lap.  She’d never had filet mignon before; her favorite cut of steak was ribeye, though that was arguably less fancy.  Plus, she’d always thought the round steaks seemed rather small as she could put away sixteen ounces of beef easily.  Still, the meat was cooked perfectly medium-rare and was tender.  The red wine went perfectly with it, though she hesitated remembering her sister’s nervousness.  What if he’d put something in her drink? _Stop being paranoid_ , she told herself.  _He doesn’t have to do that; he already knows he’s getting some tonight._

                Alabaster waited until they were enjoying their dessert of flourless chocolate cake, topped with fresh made whipped cream before bringing up the subject.  “Darlin’, I don’t think it’s any secret why I’ve asked you here tonight.” 

                Jasper took a sip of her water before responding.  “I figured it out.” 

                “Would you like to retire to the bedroom after dinner?” 

                She could feel the fork shaking a bit in her hand.  Why was she so nervous?  Oh, right, because all the other guys only wanted one thing and when they’d gotten it, she was tossed aside.  “I would, but I’ve been with other men who only wanted…” what was the polite way to word this, “physical intimacy and afterwards, I never heard from them again.  If that’s your intention then please let me walk out the door with some pride intact.  However, if your intentions are of a more pure nature, then I will sleep with you.” 

                He sat back, the corner of his mouth twisting up in a smile.  “You must not have met many decent men.”

Nice, certainly.   Truly decent?  Hell, no.  “Honestly, only my father and late husband come to mind there.”

“Darlin’, if I had only wanted that, I’d have asked on our first date.  You are a treasure and I would not discard you so thoughtlessly.”

 A treasure?  No one had ever called her that before.  He did seem different than the others; perhaps he did have a genuine interest in her.  “Then, my answer is yes.”

                Alabaster stood and offered her his hand.  She’d noticed the cook had gone and she glanced at the dishes on the table.  “Should I help with this?” 

                He laughed.  “Darlin’, you’re too much.  My housekeeper will take care of it in the morning.”

                Jasper took his hand and followed him to the upper landing where he opened a door. _Please don’t let this be like Fifty Shades of Gray_ , she silently pleaded, not that she’d ever read it, but she knew the basic premise.  The tapping of her shoes echoed off the floor as she walked in and saw the large bed covered in black and white sheets, which were already turned down. _Jameela, you’re with me, right?_

_I’m here and you may want to flip your hair and look over your shoulder at him, like now._

                Jasper did so as she heard the click of the door closing.  Alabaster began undoing his tie.  “I hope you don’t mind, darlin’, but I’m old fashioned and like to be on top.” 

                “That’s fine.”  And it was for their first time; she’d convince him later that having her on top or doing it from behind was just as satisfying.  She reached behind her to unzip her dress. 

                “Now don’t you dare take away my fantasy of unwrapping you like a gift.”  His arms enclosed around her and he kissed her softly.  

                Jasper felt those familiar tingles spread from her lips to the rest of her body as he deepened the kiss, grazing his tongue along her upper lip as though asking permission.  Her teeth parted and she circled his tongue with hers.  Alabastar ran his hands along her sides, her hips, her back…seemingly memorizing her body before sliding one hand up to her zipper and slowly pulling it down.  He didn’t, however, just pull her dress down and she reveled at the feeling of his fingers on her bare skin.  He broke the kiss to trail his mouth softly along her cheek, her jaw line, up to her ear, nibbling at her earlobe.  Jasper gasped lightly and felt herself relax into him.  

                “You like that, darlin’?” he murmured. 

                Her reply came out in a whisper.  “Yes.” 

                She felt an uncomfortable shudder up her spine for a second as he nuzzled her neck, his facial hair tickling her skin and for a brief moment she wanted Jameela to switch with her.  Jasper took a breath and let it out in a gentle sigh as he nibbled at the flesh of her neck.  Alabaster was not going to hurt her; he was not Akhram.  Her fingers found the buttons of his suit jacket, undoing them and sliding the fabric away; one by one, she began working on unfastening his shirt.  After older guys with beer bellies hitting her up online, it was indeed refreshing to find that, while he may not have been as muscular as her, she could run her hands along the flat planes of his chest and stomach, that his arms had some definition to them.

                Alabaster tugged at her dress so it fell from her, pooling at her feet like water.  Clasps were undone, zippers pulled down, fabric discarded until they were on the bed, him hovering over her, only a thin layer of air separating their naked bodies.  “You’re absolutely stunning, darlin’.” 

                His mouth claimed hers – hungrily, aggressively – as he closed the gap between them and pressed himself against her.  His hands explored her body, trailing along her sides and back up again, cupping her breasts.  She gasped, unsure what she should do or think.  Usually, Jameela would have taken over long ago, but she sat there in Jasper’s mind, watching, but staying silent on the matter.  Jasper dragged her fingernails lightly along the pale skin of his back and felt him shudder in delight.  His thumbs were playing with her nipples now, causing heat to pool in her nether regions and she choked on air for a moment, stifling a moan. 

                His breath was warm against her ear.  “Don’t you dare hold back.”  His teeth found her earlobe again, biting gently before his mouth was at her neck again, trailing down to that nook – the curve where her neck met her shoulder, sucking softly before moving lower to catch her nipple between his lips.  Jasper leaned her head back and she found her fingers raking through his silvery hair as though encouraging him.  Well, she certainly didn’t want him to stop!  Especially not when his other hand had just slid past her patch of neatly trimmed hair and his fingers were parting her lower folds, expertly finding the small nub of flesh and working it just right with his fingers to make her arch her back and cry out: “Oh, fuck!”

                “I hope this is alright, darlin’.” 

                That heat spread from down below, through her veins and she managed a quick, affirmative: “Uh-hnnnn…” 

                Alabaster paused for a moment to unwrap a condom and roll it on before he lay on her again, rocking against her, covering his cock in her slick before easing into her.  He moaned deeply, his fingers entangling in her hair as he moved in and out of her slowly at first.  Jasper bent her knees and spread her legs a bit so he could bury himself completely.  He kissed her again, passionately, their tongues playing together as he picked up speed, finally pulling away, his hands grasping her hips as he plunged into her.  Jasper panted and groaned as he filled her perfectly.  She rocked her hips, matching his rhythm as the fire in her body blazed unchecked and out of control.  Her fingers clutched the sheets beneath her and she cried out as the first wave of pleasure undulated through her.  

                Her lover’s words came out in staccato bursts of sound between pants of air.  “Let…me…hear it…darlin’!”

                Jasper felt herself clamp around him as a final surge of power blew through her, a flash of flame – a scorching in her core that made her scream in delight.  Alabaster’s fingers dug into her hips and he threw his head back and quivered against her, a slight choking sound the only indication of his climax.  It was as if time stopped for a moment in the few seconds before he covered her with his body, both of them shining in a light sheen of sweat.  Her breath slowed in the cooling, the afterglow of the blaze finally dying down.  He kissed her cheek, then her lips gently, stroking her hair.  “Stay the night with me.”

                A million thoughts ran through her head.  She should at least let Amethyst know she was okay.  She had said she would be home.  After all, Allie still liked the time they spent brushing her hair before bed.  She had chores that had been left undone.  Jasper drew in air and her eyes closed as she felt his lips against her cheek again.  It had been so long since she’d shared a bed with a man…truly slept with one, feeling loved and protected.  “Yes,” she breathed.

                By the next morning, there would be ten missed text messages and two frantic voice mails from her sister, one from Allie and a text from her mother.


	11. Gentleman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Definite NSFW in this one - smut, actually - getting into some good smut. ;) 
> 
> I had intended for Jasper and Alabaster's relationship to be contained to two chapters but this got a bit long so it looks like it'll be three.

** Chapter 10 – Gentleman **

                “How many times do I have to apologize?”  Jasper asked.

                After an hour of being chewed out like a child, Amethyst still shot daggers at her with her eyes. Crystal was at her father’s house and Allie had been sent upstairs, but was likely listening from the top of the landing.  “I thought you had been murdered or something!  A simple ‘I’m sorry’ doesn’t cut it!” 

                “How many times have you been out all night?” 

                “I _called_ , Jasps!  Or I otherwise let you know I was safe!  Crystal has never waited up half the night wondering if I was dead or alive!”

                Jasper collapsed into a chair.  “I never meant to worry anyone.  I tried getting to my phone and every time I’d move, he’d pull me closer.  I’ve missed sleeping next to someone.” 

                “And you couldn’t tell him to let you check in really quick?” 

                “I get it – I screwed up, big time.” 

                “Was this Jameela’s doing?  Is she still talking to you?” 

                “No.  I’m the one who fucked up.” 

                “Was he worth it?  Was he worth my being up with Allie while she was worried she’d suddenly be an orphan in the morning?”

                Jasper crossed her arms.  “That’s a little low, Ames.  I get it – I worried her and I will talk to her and I will never just disappear again, but there’s no reason to continue to talk down to me like a child.”

                “So, who is he?” 

                “His name is Alabaster.”  

                “The fuck kind of name is that?  Sounds like some upper-crust, dodgy old bastard going around flaunting his money.”

                Jasper took a breath, her gaze shifting away.  “And…if he were…?” 

                “Wait…he’s loaded?  That’s why you haven’t said anything?  I wish some rich prick would look in my direction.” 

                “He’s not a prick; he’s a gentleman.  Think like…Rhett Butler, but if he had white hair.”

                “Okay, I’ve seen _Gone With the Wind_ ; Rhett Butler was no gentleman.  And so…he’s older.” 

                “He’s in his fifties.” 

                “Right, but like, early fifties or old enough to be your father?”

                “What does it matter?  I like him and I think there might be something there, but I don’t want people to encourage me or not based on his wealth.” 

                “Aren’t Bismuth’s parents well-off?” 

                “They’re more comfortable than many, that’s for sure, but Bismuth didn’t take a cent he didn’t earn, plus I don’t think they have their own penthouse apartment aside from their regular house, nor are they members of a country club.” 

                Amethyst scoffed.  “As if one of those snooty, white-run places would even let them join…wait, he isn’t…” 

                “Yes, he’s white.  Problem?

                Her sister was silent for a moment.  “It’s just...you’ve never shown an interest…before.”

                “Well, I’ve never met one I connected with and now I have and I like to think that connection would still be there whatever color his skin was.”

                “It’s not just his money?” 

                “How fucking shallow do you think I am?!  I’d still like him if he made as much as I do!” For a second it made her question herself if she really would have been taken in by his charms if he hadn’t been wearing a tailored suit or had a fancy apartment.  Then she remembered the way he’d kissed her, caressed her, held her…how he’d promised that morning he’d stay in touch.  She hoped that was true; she wanted someone who had a genuine interest in her. 

                “Sorry, I know you’re not like that.  I just…I want you to be careful and to check in because if anything happened to you…”

                “I know it’s been a while since I’ve done this, but trust me, I can read people pretty well and I’m being safe.  Next time I go out, I will let you know where I am.”  Jasper went upstairs and knocked on Allie’s door.  “Can I come in?”

                “Yeah.” 

                As soon as she entered, Allie ran and hugged her.  “Hey, it’s okay…I’m okay.” 

                “I thought something bad happened to you…” 

                “Allie, I’m sorry I made you worry.  I will _never_ do that to you again.  I promise.” 

                “Was he nice to you?” 

                Jasper sat down in Allie’s desk chair while her daughter sat on the bed.  “Yes, he’s been very nice to me.  I’ve met with him a few times.  His name is Alabaster.” 

                “Are you going to marry him?” 

                “I don’t know.  It’s too soon to tell.”  However, this wasn’t out of the realm of possibility.

                “So, it’s not like the other guy and the free sushi dinner?” 

                Jasper laughed, thinking of Tani and that disastrous date.  “No, it’s definitely not like that.”

*

                Jasper met him for brunch that Sunday at his apartment, followed by physical intimacy.  On Tuesday, however, they met only for drinks and conversation.  Wednesday, she received a huge bouquet of flowers at her work that made her heart race.  She wasn’t much of a flower person, insisting that they were prettier on the plant where they’d live longer, but it was a kind gesture and he said he’d like her to come over and stay the night on Saturday.  

                “Oh, he’s into you,” Garnet commented. 

                “He definitely seems to be.”  She left the office to meet up with Greg for their session.  Usually, people stopped personal training when they felt they had it under control and could work out by themselves, but Greg kept paying – full price even – for sessions with her.  She found it odd, but who was she to turn away money, after all, she did get a percentage of each session above and beyond her normal paycheck.  Besides, at least he was keeping up with his fitness routine at a time when most folks who had signed up in January were nowhere to be seen.  She also did enjoy talking to him; she only hoped he never remembered that night all those years ago in his van.  “Hi Greg.  Ready to warm up with a jog?” 

                “Yeah.”  He moved alongside her.  “You know, Steven and I have been going for jogs in the evenings sometimes when he doesn’t have baseball.” 

                “That’s good.  Allie’s not much into running, but sometimes she’ll ride her bike beside me while I run.”  Jasper laughed a bit.  “She likes her sports, but it’s hard to get her to go out and actually exercise unless she’s playing a game or something.  Better than my sister’s kid who just sits around in front of the TV all day.  We have very different parenting styles – her and I.”

                “Have you talked to her about it?” 

                “Oh yeah, I’ve said everything I can.  She’s convinced because Crystal isn’t fat that she’s healthy and I’m sure she is – for now.”  Jasper shook her head slowly then shrugged.  “I can lead a horse to water, but I can’t make her drink, I guess.  Any luck on that dating site for you?”

                “Met a few nice ladies – no one I’d consider for a long-term relationship though.  The last one was twenty years younger and hardly looked up from her phone the entire time.  What happened to giving the person you’re dating your full attention?” 

                “At least she didn’t just want one thing.” 

                “Well, I knew that when she showed up wearing sweat pants.  How are your dating adventures going?” 

                “I’ve been seeing this guy.  He seems nice, so I’m pursuing this and I guess we’ll see where it goes.  I mean, he does make me happy…”  The doubt settled in again…was it really him…or his money?  Was she really that kind of woman?  

                “That’s good.  You deserve happiness.”

                She wondered if that was true.  It certainly was of him.  There was something good, almost pure about Greg she couldn’t put her finger on.  Her mind went back to that night in the van when he’d held her and told her wasn’t trash, that she was worth something…he’d had the exact right words she’d needed to hear.  Maybe it was a forgettable encounter to him, but it was possibly the one that, at the time, had saved her life.

*

                Sunday morning, Jasper joined Alabaster for a light breakfast before she headed home.  It was then she met his housekeeper who was fairly quiet but had a friendly smile as she went about the apartment after setting out croissants, fruit and coffee for them. 

                “I enjoy our time together, darlin’,” he said.  “I’d like to talk to you about this being a long-term, exclusive arrangement.” 

                “It…has been exclusive,” she told him slowly.  “At least it has been on my end.” 

                “As it has on mine, so we’re on the same page there.  I have two out-of-town events I’d like you to accompany me to in the next few weeks if you’re up for it.” 

                “I’ll have to make sure my sister can watch my daughter, but it should be okay.” 

                “You do have a passport, don’t you, darlin’?” 

                “Yes.  Where are we going that I need a passport?” 

                “Next Friday night we’ll set off for a weekend in Paris, there’s a gala I’m obligated to attend and I need a beautiful lady on my arm.” 

                Paris?  Was he for real?  “Would we be back by Monday?” 

                “Yes, we’ll return Sunday afternoon.  Do you have a dress fit for a gala?” 

                “Um…probably not unless one of the dresses you’ve seen me in works.” 

                “Oh no, darlin’, that won’t do.  I’ll send you out with a personal shopper to find something.  Now, the first week of April, I have to go to Hawaii on business, so we’d be leaving Sunday evening and returning on Friday.” 

                Allie would be in Texas that week, so child care wasn’t an issue, and she had enough vacation leave at work but… “That Sunday is Easter.  I spend the day with family.” 

                “I can arrange my private jet to leave as late as possible, but I do need to be available there Monday morning.”

                Jasper had never been to Paris or Hawaii…okay, well, she’d switched planes in Hawaii when she and Bismuth flew to Samoa, but they’d never actually left the airport.  They had talked about going…maybe taking Allie there someday…she should say no.  This was too much and she didn’t deserve it.  However, what would he think if she refused his generosity?  He was the one offering and it wasn’t as though he couldn’t afford it.  This opportunity may not arise again.  “That sounds good.”

                “Wonderful, darlin’.”  Alabaster covered her hand with his.  “I couldn’t imagine all that time without your company.” 

                She gave him a smile, those welcome tingles going up her arm and down her spine.  She knew no matter how much she didn’t think she deserved it or how scared she was, she had to take this chance to see if he might be the one.

*

                Amethyst certainly had a lot to say about her upcoming trips, mostly about how she’d never met such a rich guy and did Alabaster have any single friends.  “Seriously, if I have to hop into bed with someone like sixty, I’ll do it.  I’ll suck his flaccid dick for like twenty minutes if I get a trip to Paris…”

                Jasper laughed.  “Okay, first of all, Alabaster’s equipment works – very well – thank you.” 

                _You know…that’s something you haven’t done for him,_ Jameela reminded her. 

                It was something Jasper had always found demeaning and had to know a man very well before she’d ever consider it.  Not counting the guys she’d given head to when Jameela was actually in charge, Bismuth was the only one to ever get that from her and only when she decided to do so.  Besides, to do so simply because he was paying for a vacation would make it a transaction and she was no prostitute.  She didn’t sleep with him because he was rich, but because she felt something for him – whether that would turn into love remained to be seen – however, she enjoyed their time in bed together.

                She met with the personal shopper one night that week after work who dragged her around to multiple shops to find the perfect gala dress, finally approving of a red mermaid-style dress that had flowery appliqués on the top giving way to solid silk on the bottom. It was strapless, so the stylist helped her find a bustier that felt uncomfortable, but the woman said would help hold up her boobs and pull in her waist a bit to give her a flawless look.  Jasper had to hold back a gasp when she saw the price of the dress, but the stylist handed over a credit card with Alabaster’s name on it as though this wasn’t unusual.  The lady also helped Jasper select two dresses that had a very 50’s vibe, one black with small white polka dots and the other a solid dark green.  “Are you sure this is okay?” 

                “Mr. Diamante wants you dressed properly for your vacation and he’s prepared to pay for you to look your best,” the stylist told her. 

                By the time she’d returned that night, she had three new dresses, a new undergarment, two new pairs of shoes and two purses.  She immediately folded them and placed everything in her suitcase along with a few other necessities.  She’d gotten the okay to take off Friday afternoon and the first week of April, but her boss told her that taking so much time off didn’t look good.  She loved her job, so after these two trips, she’d have to let Alabaster know she couldn’t just keep taking time off work. 

                On Friday afternoon, she hugged Allie, Crystal and Amethyst goodbye.  “What?  I don’t get to meet him?”  Amethyst asked, then gaped as she glanced out the open door.  “That’s a limo.” 

                Jasper shrugged.  “I guess the Rolls Royce is in the shop.” 

                “Mom, are you going to marry this guy?” Allie wanted to know.

                “I don’t know.”  Jasper kissed her cheek.  “You be good for your aunt and maybe I’ll bring a present back for you.”

                “What about me?” Crystal asked.

                “Crystal!”  Amethyst hissed. 

                “Yes, everyone will likely get something.”  Hopefully she’d have time to go out to sightsee.  Even if she didn’t, no one would know if their presents were from the airport gift shop.  As the driver took her bag, she double checked her purse one last time to make sure she had her passport then got into the car, sliding next to Alabaster in the back of the limo.  She kissed him and her heart fluttered when he pressed his fingers to her cheek and returned the kiss softly. 

                “You look radiant, darlin’.” 

                He’d wanted her to wear something nice on the plane, so she’d settled on the blue dress, leaving the other dresses for when she was actually in France.  She hoped she didn’t have a problem with security; practically the only time they didn’t at least look at her suspiciously was when she’d traveled in military uniform.  “Do you expect security will give us much problem?” 

                “It’s a private jet; we shouldn’t have much of a holdup.” 

                “It’s just…I usually get stopped.” 

                “Now why would they stop a lovely lady like yourself?”  It took a moment before he laughed with realization and she wasn’t sure she liked that reaction.  Alabaster patted her hand.  “Not to worry, darlin’.  You’re with me now.”

                _Ah yes, the valiant white knight coming to the aid of a damsel in distress…a tan damsel_ …she thought and again tried to figure out if she was really okay with this.  He had no real level of understanding what it was like.  Not that Jasper had ever dealt with flat out racism such as being called a name or denied service based on her ethnicity, but in shops or other places, suspicious eyes had been cast on her as though she were up to no good.  Not so much now that she was older; now they had started to glance at Allie untrusting as the girl innocently browsed in a shop.  Alabaster likely had no idea how that felt. 

                He was, however, correct, they breezed through security flawlessly and were escorted outside where they climbed the steps up to the cabin of a private jet.  Jasper took a comfortable seat by the window where a bottle of water already waited in a holder.  She was told there were pillows and blankets up in the overhead compartment and that the seat reclined.  Curiously she pressed a button and her feet were slowly elevated.  “Holy shit, it does…” 

                Alabaster chuckled.  “Now, now, darlin’, let’s smooth out those rough edges.  Nothing rougher than ‘oh dear’ when you’re in the company of others.” 

                “I’m sorry.”  She set the chair back in its upright position.

                “That’s okay; you can save the rough language for the bedroom.”  He winked at her, taking the seat across from her. 

                Jasper busied herself looking around at everything that she almost forgot to turn her attention to the window as the plane lifted off the ground.  She was used to cramped quarters and crying children, or military transportation, which was an entirely different animal in of itself.  Most people hadn’t shared an airplane with a surplus of bombs on board.  She definitely didn’t miss that.  

                A fancy salmon dinner was served about an hour after they’d lifted off the ground complete with champagne and fine chocolates for dessert.  “If I keep eating this good, I’m going to get fat.” 

                Alabaster chuckled.  “Trust me, I’ll keep you so busy you’ll burn off that energy.”

                “Not if you’re always on top,” Jasper teased.

                “Are you suggesting we try something different?” 

                “If you’re up to it.”  She leaned back in her seat, smiling seductively, unsure where this confidence was coming from as Jameela was being pretty silent.  Also, where would they do it when there were flight attendants around them? 

                Alabaster seemed to have the answer to this as he took Jasper’s hand and guided her toward the back of the plane where he slid open a door revealing an honest-to-goodness bedroom.  “For real?”  Jasper heard the door slide shut. 

                “Darlin’, something tells me you’ve never joined the mile-high club.”  He smiled and undid his tie. 

                No, she definitely hadn’t.  Bismuth had joked about it at one time until she’d been quick to point out that it would be a tight fit for both of them in a standard plane bathroom.  She wondered what the bathroom on this plane was like.  Jasper felt his hand move her hair to one side and that familiar tickle as he kissed her neck.  She sighed as his hands slid down her sides and started pulling her dress up.  “So…you’ll let me be on top this time?” 

                “Whatever you want, darlin’ – as long as I get to be with you.”  Alabaster’s fingers ran along the waistband of her lace panties then down the front stroking her through the delicate material.

                Jasper sighed, leaning her head back.  She wasn’t sure where he’d learned how to please women, but he was better at it than any other guy she’d ever met.  His fingers had found their way into her panties now, teasing her clit and his other hand was kneading her breast through her clothes.  She bit her lip as her heart sped up and a small whimper escaped her.  Jasper could feel him behind her, his erection pressing against her rear and she thought about how to take control of this situation.  Oh God…yes…that was the spot…right there…and she went weak at the knees.  Alabaster’s hands quickly moved, lifting her dress over her head and unhooking her bra. _Jameela…_

 _Really, girl?_ Jameela sat back on her couch and raised an eyebrow. _Turn him around, push him on the bed…then do that thing you haven’t done for him before._

_Are you sure?_

_You are in a private jet on your way to fucking Paris – he deserves it.  Swallow your pride and get on your knees, or I’m going to switch with you._

                Jasper spun around and faced him, passionately pressing her mouth to his and gently pushing him into a seated position on the bed.  “You should know…I don’t do this often…”  She sank to her knees, her heart still racing as she undid the fastenings of his pants.  _This is so demeaning…_

                _I disagree_ , Jameela said.  _It’s empowering.  You have his most sensitive part in your mouth – you can choose to inflict pain or give him pleasure.  You’re in complete control.  There’s nothing demeaning about that._

                She started with a long slow lick along the underside of his stiffened cock, bringing her tongue up and swirling it around the head for a moment before taking him into her mouth.  His fingers raked through her hair and he gasped in surprise.  “Darlin’…”  His grip on her hair tightened and he sucked in a breath through his teeth.  “Uhhh…damn it…” 

                It was almost shocking to hear a swear word slide from his normally well-spoken lips, but if the way  his other hand had a death grip on the sheets was any indication he was thoroughly enjoying the feeling of her mouth on him and she hadn’t even begun to really work her magic.  Her scalp hurt from the hold he had on her hair but she ignored it and took him further into her throat, her muscles working against his tip until she could taste the saltiness of anticipation on the back of her tongue.  Jasper ran her hands along his legs as she pulled away for a second, licking her lips, then taking him all the way in again. 

                “Fuckin’ Christ!”  Alabaster threw his head back and groaned as he rocked his hips towards her.

                Oh God, Jameela was right – she was enjoying this.  She was in complete power here when he was used to having it.  She pulled back slightly as a musky scent teased her nose and she knew he was close from the way he was panting.  Her tongue swirled around his head as she used one hand to stroke his shaft.  She could taste it again – that saltiness – he was almost there.  She could stop – she could leave him there right on the edge…or she could have mercy and…

                “Uhhnnngg…” he grunted as he squirted inside her mouth. 

                Jasper knew it had been coming but it almost caught her off-guard and her first reaction was to swallow it, using her tongue to lick off the bit that dribbled down his shaft and what had spilled onto her lips.  It took him a moment to catch his breath, his panting giving way to deep, even breathing that indicated he had cooled down before he placed a gentle hand to her cheek and she looked up into his eyes.  His lips twisted up into a grin.  “You got any more surprises like that, darlin’?”

                “Maybe.”  And she winked at him without Jameela having to tell her to.

*

                They arrived very early in the morning, however due to the comfortable accommodations on the plane, they had been able to get some sleep.  A light breakfast of fruit, cheese and pastries was waiting for them when they got to the hotel.  Jasper drank two small cups of coffee though to keep herself awake, though Alabaster did suggest she take a nap later on. “You don’t want to be too tired later, darlin’.  The stylist will be here about four to start your hair and makeup.”

                Jasper hadn’t been aware he’d hired a stylist for her and had brought her own makeup.  Well, she had plenty of time to go out and shop while he attended to a few meetings.  It wasn’t hard to find a sweet shop where she bought a box of chocolate truffles for everyone to share.  At a small boutique she found a purple beaded bracelet for Amethyst that sparkled in the light and a floral scarf she was sure Crystal would love.  For Allie, she bought a pair of blue heels that would go well with her Easter dress.  They weren’t terribly impressive, but her daughter didn’t have high heel shoes, even though they were only about an inch or so tall.  She figured it was a fitting gift for her now that she was becoming a young woman.  She had lunch at a café where she was able to sit outside in the sun and people watch.  Upon returning to the hotel, she took a shower and a short nap before a knock on the door roused her from sleep.  Checking her phone, she saw it was a few minutes to four so she answered.

                The stylist had brought a complete arsenal of makeup and hair products along with three assistants who fussed over her.  The woman ‘tsk-ed’ when she saw Jasper’s tattoo and with the aid of spray-on makeup, she covered it as she made her skin all one color and sprayed her down with something to keep the foundation from rubbing off before starting on her eyes.  Two of the assistants were in charge of pulling her hair back and pinning it up, while leaving just a few waves perfectly framing her face.  The third filed her nails and placed a clear layer of polish on them even though she had gloves to match her dress.

                She heard Alabaster return but he was in a different area of the suite so she was unable to greet him until the stylist and assistants were done with her and she was pulling on her gloves, covering the last bit of her uneven skin.  She stepped out into the other room where Alabaster was finishing up with his tie and cleared her throat a little. 

                “Darlin’, you’ve never looked lovelier.”  He took her hands and kissed her cheek lightly. 

                Jasper knew he meant it as a compliment, but she thought about how the bustier was pulling her in and pushing up her breasts giving her an ‘ideal’ silhouette and how the makeup covered up any ‘imperfections’ and the tattoo, which had such significance to her.  She surveyed his white tuxedo accented by a red tie and silk fabric in his pocket to match her dress.  “You look very handsome tonight.” 

                He kissed her again.  “When we return, I have another surprise for you.” 

                “Are you sure?  Because I mean…all of this…it’s really nice but I don’t deserve any of it…” 

                Alabaster placed his hands gently on her shoulders.  “You stop right there, darlin’.  I enjoy doing this for you and you do deserve it.  You deserve to be treated like a lady and shown how special you are to me.” 

                “It’s just…so…expensive.” 

                “I can afford it, darlin’.”  He kissed her forehead.  “Let’s go before we’re late.”

                The gala was much as she expected – the tinkling of fancy champagne glasses, wait staff carrying around trays of hors d'oeuvres and ridiculously wealthy people dressed to impress.  At least from what Alabaster said, the gala was to raise money for charity, so she hoped all of this went to a worthy cause.  She wasn’t used to people wanting her picture or giving her compliments on her looks and the entire time the bustier was uncomfortably pinching under her breasts and she couldn’t wait to get back to the hotel room and take it – and the make up – off.  Alabaster led her around, introducing her mostly to people she’d never heard of, but occasionally she’d run into an actor or singer whom she’d only dreamed of meeting and willed herself to stay calm. 

                “Now, here’s someone I was hoping you’d get to meet,” Alabaster said as they approached a blonde woman in a floor-length off-white dress.  “Amarela, nice to see you could make it.” 

                The woman accepted a kiss on the cheek from him and then looked judgingly at Jasper before giving a polite nod in her direction.  “It’s a rather long flight, but no matter.  It looks good to have us both here.”

                That’s when Jasper saw it – the similarities in their noses, in their cheekbones and how close in age they were and she recognized the woman as someone else whose photo she’d seen online.  She was his sister – Amarela Diamante, the CEO of the western division of the company.  She overall ignored Jasper giving her time to realize the woman didn’t have a southern accent.  Her skin was bronzed, but likely from a tanning bed, not from the sun and on the ring finger of her left hand was a pale band where she may have worn a wedding ring up until recently.  That’s when Jasper remembered an article from about a year ago about Amarela’s wife passing away.  She was certain Amarela was younger, likely in her early fifties, though had aged well like her brother.  Her blonde hair was perfectly styled and she was about an inch shorter than Jasper while wearing heels.  Finally, Jasper had the opportunity to shake this other woman’s hand and meet her properly.

                “So, how long have you been with my brother?” Amarela asked.

                “Not long.” 

                “You are an exceptional beauty.  Forgive me, I’m trying to figure out where you’re from.”

                Jasper gave a sassy smile.  “New York – born and raised in a small town about half an hour from the Canadian border.”

                Amarela laughed lightly.  “Of course.” 

                And Jasper would not give her the information she was obviously seeking.  Once in the hotel room again, in privacy where no one would hear her, she finally asked: “Is it just me, or does everyone have this very backwards way of trying to find out my background?”

                “They’re trying to be polite, darlin’.”  Alabaster undid his tie and took off his tuxedo jacket. 

                “Then why don’t they just come out with it and ask: hey, I just wanted to know, what ethnicity are you?  Because that’s not the same as where I’m from.  I mean, I get that I was one of a handful of people in that room who weren’t white, but the way some of them looked at me…” 

                “Darlin’, if they’re staring it’s because you’re gorgeous.” 

                “I just keep getting this feeling like I don’t belong.” 

                Alabaster came up behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist.  “Trust me, you belong.  If they’re staring it’s because they haven’t seen you before, but it has nothing to do with your race.  My sister’s wife was Indian and no one cared.  It’s a non-issue, I assure you.”

                Jasper felt the cool air against her back as he unzipped her dress and then a pop of relief as the clasps of the bustier were released and she took a deep breath.  “Oh, thank God…”

                “Go in the bathroom,” he whispered.  “Take off your makeup then put on what I’ve left in there for you.” 

                Geez, it was probably some kind of skimpy lingerie that had cost him she didn’t even know how much but would only stay on her for like two seconds before they went at it.  Honestly, she was a bit tired and unsure if she really wanted to do it tonight.  She closed the door to the bathroom, breathing a sigh of relief.  Hanging on a hook was a red satin negligee with black lace trim that would go perfectly with the red lace panties she was already wearing.  Using the makeup wipes the stylist had left, she removed all the air brushed foundation from her face and upper body, looking in the mirror and appreciating her mottled skin and the warrior tattoo she was proud of.  After quickly wiping any makeup-removing residue with a washcloth, she covered up with the skimpy garment and unpinned her hair letting it cascade down her back.  _Jameela, I really don’t want to do this tonight…_

                Her alter-ego was lying down on her couch, seemingly just as exhausted.  _Then don’t._

_But he was so nice…_

_That was his own doing.  You owe him nothing._               

                That was true.  If he was genuinely interested in her, then he would understand.  Jasper stepped out of the bathroom, relieved to feel the plush carpet under her feet, which still ached from the shoes she’d worn.  Immediately, he sauntered up to her and kissed her passionately.  “Darlin’, look at you.” 

                “Thank you for the outfit, I…” 

                “Now, now, just come over here.”  Alabaster grabbed her hand and sat with her on the bed.  He held out a small plate with four elegant-looking chocolates on it.  “I noticed you didn’t eat a lot tonight.  These might give you a boost of energy.” 

                She thanked him again and ate one of them, indulging in the taste as it melted over her tongue.  Truthfully, the bustier had pressed in on her stomach making it so she hadn’t felt hungry, so she smiled and accepted a second candy as he fed it to her. 

                “You know they say chocolate is an aphrodisiac,” he told her before popping the last one in his mouth. 

                “I’ve heard that.  I’ve heard the same about garlic, but who wants to kiss someone with garlic breath?” 

                He stood and undid his pants, sliding them off before discarding his undershirt.  “Can I hold you for a while, darlin’?” 

                Jasper definitely wouldn’t mind that, so she slid into bed and felt him wrap his arms around her from behind.  Gently, she covered his hands with hers and felt her eyes open.  “Is it okay if we just lay here like this?” 

                “Of course.  I’m not going to make you do anything you don’t want.”

                She sighed and felt the corners of her mouth turn up in a smile.  Cuddling was fine…at least it was at first, but after a few moments of lying there entwined with him, a warmth settled in the lower pit of her stomach and she opened her eyes, more awake now.  His fingers stroked the silky material of her nightdress as he pressed his lips against the back of her neck.  God, just his presence was making her riled up and she moved her legs trying to ignore the tingles in the private area between them.  Jasper took a deep breath, letting it out slowly as she shifted.  Alabaster’s hand trailed down to her thigh, rubbing softly.  “You feeling the same way I am, darlin’?” 

                “Yeah…” Jasper managed.  Why though?  Ten minutes ago she was about to drop dead from exhaustion and now all she wanted – all she craved – was his touch.  He lifted the negligee, the delicate fabric tickling her skin, and his fingers glided over the area of her panties already damp with her arousal.  She gasped. 

                “You remember what you did for me on the plane?”  When she nodded, he continued.  “Time to return the favor…” 

                Before she could even register what was happening, she was on her back reveling in the softness of his kisses against her inner thigh.  She didn’t even notice where he’d flung her underwear but found herself panting as his tongue parted her lower folds and he went about it slowly as though savoring the taste of her.  Jasper’s fingernails dug into her palms as she tilted her head back, releasing a slow moan.  His tongue teased the area around her clit, only occasionally passing over it and she could tell he was doing this intentionally to drive her crazy and it was working as small shock waves of pleasure ran like electricity through her.  She moved her hips wanting – needing – him.  Time seemed to slip away from her as he brought her to completion, waiting only moments before rolling on a condom and climbing on top of her to satisfy his own needs.  Why had she ever said having a man on top was boring?  Right now, it was just what she needed as he thrust into her, trying to extinguish this burning ache in her core.  She tightened the death grip she already had on the pillow as lights exploded behind her eyes and she cried out her release at the same time he threw his head back, hissing as he came. 

                Jasper rolled on her side, letting him embrace her from behind again, her breathing gradually becoming normal as her heart stopped fluttering and returned to its regular pace.  Her eyes fell on the empty plate with a small morsel of chocolate left on it sitting on the bedside table. 

                _Boost of energy…_

_Aphrodisiac…_

                No…he wouldn’t have.  However, regular chocolate had never had that effect on her and as tired as she was, she doubted it was her own hormones responsible for that.  Well, it couldn’t be completely bad because he’d eaten them…they sold those sorts of things at sex shops, after all.  Even so, he’d never give her something without telling her, right?  _Right, Jameela?_  

                Jameela was asleep, as was Alabaster resting behind her.  Jasper’s fingers were still entwined with his.  No.  It was a romantic night that ended in sex, just as he had intended and she couldn’t deny that despite her fatigue earlier, she _had_ wanted it in the moment.  He wouldn’t have laced the chocolates with something…drugged her to make it less likely she’d say no.  He was a nice guy, wasn’t he?  He was a gentleman, right? 

                He was.  Through and through, Jasper was sure of it.  He was every bit an upstanding person who cared for her.  He wouldn’t be spending all this money on her if it was only about sex.  After all, he could hire a prostitute for that.  A memory stirred in her mind of years ago when she was sitting on the bed in the prison as Akhram spoke to several men around the table.  One of them had inquired about her and it was the first time he had not called her a whore.  Instead, it was a word she’d never heard and when she’d asked Tubaz later what it meant, he’d said wasn’t sure of the English translation, but it meant ‘a woman he is intimate with and cares for who is not his wife.’ 

                _Mistress_ , her mind said.  _Or concubine_.

                But that didn’t apply to her – not in this situation.  Those women were for married men and Alabaster was single.  Plus, he cared about her, right?  Her eyelids were growing heavy and she felt him pull her slightly closer.  She smiled putting those thoughts out of her head.  She had to stop thinking all men were terrible or only wanted one thing.  He was a great guy and she was falling for him.  He was first and foremost, above all – a gentleman. 

                Right? 


	12. Skin Deep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my gosh - this chapter took me FOREVER - I kept going back and forth to get it perfect and I'm finally happy with it so here it is.   
> Plus we briefly get to see Peridot so that's always fun. :)

** Chapter 11 – Skin Deep  **

                “How are things going with that guy you’re seeing?”  Jasper’s father asked. 

                It was finally Easter and she was visiting with her father in the living room while Amethyst and her mother worked on dinner in the kitchen.  “It’s going pretty good, I guess.  I mean, it’s not every day some guy wants to take me to Hawaii.” 

                “Your mom and I always talked about going.  Never had the chance.” 

                “You still have time.” 

                “And we always wanted to take you girls to Samoa.  Your mom wanted to show you her village and tell you all about her youth there.  You know when I first saw her she was dancing for a ceremony.  She was the most beautiful girl out of them all and she looked at me and gave me a smile and I knew,” he slapped his knee for emphasis, “she was the one.  I was going to marry that girl.” 

                 Jasper still remembered most of the dances her mother had taught her, not that she ever kept up on it.  “Did she fall in love with you right away?” 

                “No, she was like you were with Bismuth – kept me wondering for months.  She said she wouldn’t marry a man without _pe’a_ , so I got it done – the traditional way, not with modern instruments – and she still wouldn’t date me.” 

                “I thought you got that done here – Uncle Sua, did it, right?” 

                “No, no, one of his relatives did back home, but he did the ones on my arms.” 

                Crystal approached the couch, munching on a chocolate egg.  “What made Grandma say yes to you?” 

                Her grandfather picked her up and set her on his lap.  “I found a pearl once when I was shucking oysters, I put it and two beautiful shells onto a comb she could wear in her hair.  She was impressed by it and finally let me date her.  Your grandmother had the most beautiful hair.” 

                “What do you mean ‘had’?!” Jasper’s mother asked from the kitchen.  She walked in, wiping her hands on a towel.  She put a hand to her pinned-up hair.  “I still have that comb.”

                Jasper watched the way her parents still looked at each other with such adoration in their eyes.  She’d been blessed to be a part of such a loving family and she hoped she’d find that kind of love again.  Her thoughts turned to Alabaster and she couldn’t see him fitting in with them, which was part of the reason she hadn’t even invited him to her family’s celebration.  She wondered what he was up to the rest of today as he didn’t seem to talk much about himself.  She wasn’t even sure if he celebrated Easter, though it didn’t seem like he had much family around and that made her feel sorry for him.  She’d grown up with so many people who loved her, with an extended family comprised of their community.  They all got together that day – as they did many holidays – at the house of one of her many ‘uncles’ – which one she was almost never sure.  What she was sure of though was that they all relied on each other, loved and cared for each other and it was days like this her mother said reminded her most of being home.  Crystal immediately disappeared with the other kids running around and Jasper hoped Allie was having fun in Texas.  She pulled up the photo her mother-in-law had sent that morning of her daughter in her blue dress with the shoes and a white cardigan her grandmother probably made her wear, deeming a sleeveless dress inappropriate for church. 

                “Hey Jasper,” a familiar voice purred behind her. 

                “Fuck off, Tani,” she replied, clicking off her phone and pocketing it. 

                “I saw this picture and I was almost certain it was you.”  Tani showed her his phone and she was startled to see a photo on the screen of her and Alabaster in Paris when she was all done up for the gala.  It was like looking at a double of herself with perfect skin devoid of blemishes, uneven patches or cultural artwork – a pale imitation of the woman she had become over years of accepting the way she looked.  What would Allie take away from this photo if she saw it?  What if her parents saw it?  Jameela may have been idealized in Jasper’s mind, but even she still had vitiligo and a tattoo.  Tani leaned in closer.  “That is you, isn’t it?  Who’s the rich guy?” 

                “None of your business.” 

                “You’re fucking him aren’t you?” 

                “Also not your business.”  She made a move to leave, but he grabbed her arm.  “Let me go.” 

                “Are you insane?”  Tani whispered.  “He’s playing you.  He only wants you for one reason or why would he make you look like that?” 

                Jasper jerked her arm away.  “He likes me for who I am and, once again, I don’t think it’s your business.”

                “Is he that good?  Does it taste like cream?  Like _vanilla_?”

                She turned around and slapped him so fast she almost didn’t realize she’d done it until she felt the stinging in her hand.  He grabbed her shoulders and slammed her up against the wall.  “You’ll pay for that, you bitch!”

                Jasper knocked him onto the ground.  “Touch me again and you’re a dead man!” 

                At this point, people were watching.  Tani pulled himself off the floor and walked off while Jasper retreated outside to the backyard.  Someone touched her on the shoulder and she whirled around still ready to fight but relaxed when she saw who it was.  “Oh, hey Dad.”

                “You know, if he’s giving you trouble, you just say the word.” 

                Jasper gave a short laugh.  “I think I can defend myself.  I kicked the shit out of twelve – thirteen – terrorists – Tani is nothing.  I don’t know why he still tries; we have nothing in common.”

                “I’ve always said you can date whoever you want, but I admit I’d be a little disappointed if you chose him.” 

                “No worries there.”  She looked around at the kids running around the yard and the adults standing, talking, laughing.  “I worry my new…” it felt weird to say ‘boyfriend’ of a man who was in his mid-fifties. “…gentleman friend won’t fit in with us.  Tani pretty much made it clear that some people aren’t too keen on me dating him.”

                “People will always have their opinions, but if you love him then nothing will stop you from being together.” 

                “I’m not sure it’s love yet.  I don’t really know what it is.  I do know he’s been kind to me.”

                “Anyone can be kind, baby girl – the important thing is that he respects you.  He does respect you, doesn’t he?” 

                “I…suppose he does…I mean, he’s never disrespected me.”  She thought about Paris and the chocolates and she wondered for the millionth time if they’d been innocent or laced with something.  She wanted to believe the best; she wanted to say that he not only respected her, but liked her and that maybe it could grow into something more.  When they were together, she’d melt into him, craving his touch, his kiss and his kind words, but when they were apart, that’s when the doubts crept in _._

*

                The resort was right on the beach, overlooking the ocean and their suite was absolutely lavish – much more than Jasper had anticipated.  They’d arrived early in the morning, thankfully refreshed due to being able to sleep on the plane.  Jasper tried to refuse the money he offered her, but he insisted.  “I have meetings until five, so you go shopping or to the beach or whatever your heart desires, darlin’.” 

                 “Thank you.”  She gave him a kiss. 

                Jasper figured she’d unpack but one of the resort staff came in and shooed her away so they could do it.  She surveyed the outfits the personal shopper had helped her pick out – a variety of sundresses and swimsuits, some sarongs, sunglasses, sandals and a few nicer dresses and shoes if they went anywhere fancy.  Well, it was nice out and the beach was right there, so she figured she might as well get some sun before it got super crowded.  She changed into a red one-piece swimsuit, wrapped a sarong around her waist and left for the beach. 

                Lying on a towel in the sun, she imagined this would be nice for a while, but she needed something to do – besides shopping; that wasn’t her thing, though at some point she did need to buy gifts for her family back home.  There was a time she might have thought about taking a dip in the ocean, but now her fear of water kept her from it.  Even without swimming, it was relaxing just to feel the warmth of the sun and hear the waves playing tag with the shore. 

                Upon returning to the resort, she browsed through the wall of brochures to try and find something to do – she knew visiting Pearl Harbor was a must while she was here, but also saw they had a Polynesian Cultural Center and she took that pamphlet to flip through. 

                “You should definitely check it out,” a voice said.  “My mother is one of the performers.” 

                Jasper looked over into the smiling eyes of a woman probably in her mid-twenties who had a nametag indicating she worked at the resort.  Her name was Lehua.  “Does she dance?” 

                “Yes, she’s one of the hula dancers and she taught me, but I’m not that great at it, so I work here as a concierge.  Are you staying long?” 

                “I leave on Friday.  I’ve never been here and I wasn’t sure what to do when my gentleman friend is in business meetings all day.”

                “Well, I would say the Polynesian Cultural Center is a must – they have different villages you can visit, each representing an island, so you get to learn a lot and have fun, too.  I see you have a pamphlet for Pearl Harbor – you’ll want to get there early; it gets pretty packed.  Also, a ship did just pull in, so expect a _lot_ of sailors around there.  I can help set you up with a schedule and even assist in booking tickets for attractions if you like.” 

                By the time Jasper returned to the room, Lehua had helped her set up excursions for the rest of the week including a hike in a rainforest, which appealed to her active nature.  She changed into workout clothes and hit up the resort’s gym, which was fairly empty.  Apparently working out was not high on the list of priorities when people were on vacation. 

                She was drying her hair after a shower when she heard Alabaster return.  Jasper turned the dryer off, deciding she could let the rest dry naturally.  Still clad in a towel, she walked out and greeted him with a kiss.  “How was your day?”

                “It was good – productive.”  He stroked her cheek, then sat down on a nearby couch. 

                “I scheduled some things to do over the next few days while you’re busy.” 

                “That’s fantastic, darlin’.”  He pulled her onto the couch next to him and put his arms around her.  “It feels good to hold you again.  What’s that scent?”

                “It’s whatever body wash the hotel left in the bathroom.”

                Alabaster rubbed her back and ran his fingers through her hair.  “What should we do for dinner, sweetheart?  Go out, eat at the restaurant downstairs or order room service?”  He tugged on the towel, causing it to fall down, exposing her breasts.  “You know, if we stay in, you don’t even have to get dressed.” 

                On one hand, she did kind of want to see the entertainment promised with dinner, but on the other, he was kissing her neck now and holding her close and an evening alone suddenly sounded divine.

*

                The next day, she took an emotional tour of Pearl Harbor and then headed to a shopping destination to buy souvenirs for her family.  Knowing they’d be having a late dinner, she stepped in a hole-in-the-wall restaurant for a quick bite.  “Salmon poke bowl with brown rice please.” 

                As she waited at a small table she watched people pop in and out.  It was easy to distinguish the regular locals who ordered without hesitation and tourists who took their time.  Every so often, a sailor would walk in wearing blue camouflage and order, most taking their food to go, but a group of three sat down in a nearby booth, talking and laughing.  Seeing their camaraderie reminded her of her days in the military and made her smile. 

                The bell over the door jingled and she looked up then had to do a double take.  Their lives had some parallels and often times their paths seemed to cross when one of them had something to say the other needed to hear.  Usually it was Jasper, telling her she was not alone and that she would heal…telling her that to serve her country was one of the greatest callings a person could follow and that if she didn’t do it, she was an idiot.  Jasper had nothing to say to her today, but maybe it was her turn to listen.  “Peridot!”

                Peridot removed her cover from her pale blonde hair and looked at Jasper in shock for a moment before smiling.  They embraced.  She may have been Amethyst’s best friend, but that didn’t mean she and Jasper didn’t care for each other.  In many ways, Peridot was also like a younger sister to Jasper.  “I didn’t realize it was your ship that had pulled in.” 

                “Yeah, we’re here for a while.” 

                Jasper knew that was likely all she could say.  Peridot ordered and then they sat down together.  “It looks like the Navy is agreeing with you.” 

                “It has its ups and downs, but you were right – it is so rewarding.” 

                “Amethyst said you and Lapis have a baby now.”  Her sister had mentioned the baby was conceived with the help of a sperm donor.

                “Jade – she was a month old when I left six months ago.  I can’t wait to see how she’s grown.” 

                “And a dog?” 

                “I don’t miss her barking.”

                Jasper smiled recalling the photo Amethyst had shown her of Peridot holding the strange orange mutt despite all their conversations being punctuated with her friend yelling: ‘Pumpkin!’ every five minutes.  “But the sea agrees with you.” 

                They thanked the server as he brought their food and Peridot picked up her chopsticks.  “Definitely.  I think I’ve seen so many more places than a lot of people and I really feel I’m making a difference.” 

                Jasper stirred her food, mixing the ingredients.  “I…could use your advice on something because I know you have a history with this particular family.  I’m sort of dating Alabaster Diamante.”

                Peridot stopped eating and gave her a no-nonsense look.  “Get out of that relationship right now.  Nothing good can come of being involved with that family.” 

                She only knew a few scant details – that Peridot had been Amarela’s sugar baby for about two years in her mid-twenties, before she’d joined the Navy.  She also had to be with the woman’s wife and had been treated as their ‘daughter’ which made the whole thing strange and very perverted.  She’d promised them five years, but was let go when Amarela’s wife had actually attempted to murder her.  Peridot probably should have said something then – had them punished – but she’d felt too sorry for the couple, only hoping they got the help they needed.  Now the wife was gone and Peridot had moved on, so at this point it didn’t really seem to matter.  “Did you ever meet him?” 

                “A couple of times.  He always put me on edge a little, but then with the Lolita clothes and school uniforms they made me wear, I was used to stares like that from men.  He asked me to sit by him once and must’ve seen my reluctance and says: ‘oh, don’t worry honey, my taste doesn’t run toward vanilla’.  I didn’t know what he meant at the time, but apparently, he has a penchant for women of color despite being married to a white woman.” 

                Jasper could feel the air leave her lungs…but… “He doesn’t wear a wedding ring.”

                Peridot shrugged.  “This was like six or seven years ago.  Maybe she dumped his ass – good on her.  He never did anything to me, but he definitely made me feel uncomfortable.” 

                She couldn’t deny there were times she’d felt a little uneasy around him; he’d use a tone of voice or touch her in a way that made her skin crawl, but she’d chalked it up to being reminded of her past and convinced herself he was simply being loving.  Now, she had to wonder if that was true, or if she was just another color in some rainbow he was collecting.

*

                The next morning as she entered the Polynesian Cultural Center, a floral lei was placed around her neck and she was greeted with: “Aloha.”  She’d learned the word was more than just a simple ‘hello’ – it was the Hawaiian word for love, meaning they welcomed with love and said farewell with the same regard, which she thought was beautiful.  It sounded a lot like the Samoan word for love – ‘ _Alofa_ ’ and she found out many of the languages, though different, were connected. 

                “The ocean was not seen a barrier,” one of the employees explained as they were shown traditional canoes floating on the river that cut through the park.  “Rather it was a highway, allowing Polynesian explorers to discover and settle on new islands.  Naturally, this took thousands of years and separated groups by hundreds or thousands of miles, leading to distinct cultural differences, but as you’ll see there are some similarities, too.” 

                Jasper already knew that included a love of dance and watched a demonstration of hula, which she realized had not been treated with a lot of respect in the past recalling old cartoons of girls in coconut bras and grass skirts.  Rather, as the women moved gracefully in colorful dresses, adorned with green leis around their necks and wrists, she found herself smiling remembering her own mother teaching her _taualuga._ “This dance is incredibly significant to our people,” her mother had said.  “It’s important you get every step correct.  It should be regal and graceful, but above knowing the steps, you have to offer a bit of yourself – your spirit – for it to be truly amazing.”

                Watching these elegant and skilled women, the spirit – the love of their craft – was obvious and she held a deep appreciation for the years it must’ve taken them to master it.  Probably the most spectacular dance was from the Tahitian women whose grass skirts swayed almost hypnotically as they moved their hips so fast, making the decorative belts around them shake. _If I tried that, I’d probably dislocate something_ , she thought.   

                Her last stop was the Samoan village where she found herself concerned for the young man who practically leapt up a tall coconut tree using only his hands and feet.  “I tell you, when the announcer told him to jump to the next tree, my heart about stopped,” she told the woman showing her how to crack open a coconut.   She wondered if she’d have to actually eat any of it, recalling how she’d politely declined the coconut bread offered to her earlier. 

                “They’ve done that plenty of times,” the woman said.  “So, what is your name?” 

                “Jasper, but my middle name is Nafanua.”  She wasn’t sure why she’d said that; she never gave out her middle name.

                _I like that name_ , Jameela commented.

                “Ah, named after the warrior goddess.  Do you know about her?”  When Jasper shook her head, the woman continued.  “Nafanua was a brave and strong warrior – took out many enemies with a club she fashioned from the Toa tree.” 

                Jasper just blinked, not understanding what a Toa tree was, but war was something she knew about full well. 

                “But, if they asked for mercy, she showed it – she was known to ‘strike with courtesy’.”  The woman placed a hand on Jasper’s cheek.  “That’s a very watered-down version of the story.  Is your mother still alive?”  Jasper nodded and the older woman spoke on.  “You should have her tell you the whole tale.  It’s quite remarkable and she must have her reasons for giving you that name.” 

                On the ride back to the resort, she was very tempted to look up the story, but instead, she wanted to ask her mother…and ask why she had chosen that name and then tried so hard to dampen Jasper’s warrior spirit. 

*

                “You know, I’ve never thought much about researching where my parents were from, but now being here and visiting the cultural center, it was a bit eye-opening,” Jasper told Alabaster over dinner.  “Have you ever had any desire to visit the places your ancestors were from?” 

                He laughed lightly.  “Well, I’ve traveled darn near everywhere in Europe, so I’ve probably been there.  We always joked we were from ‘the old country’ but never figured out which one that was.  I’ve always figured it was probably Ireland - from how long I was told we’ve been here, that would have put our immigration around the time of the potato famine.”

                Jasper could have sworn that was somewhat more recent than two hundred years before Alabaster was born as he’d claimed but perhaps she was wrong.  “I thought maybe Italian…you know, being a good lover and all.”

                He leaned back in his seat and the corner of his mouth twitched up in an amused smile.  “You are not so bad yourself.  When we get back, I would love it if you’d move into my penthouse apartment.” 

                Her troubled gaze turned down toward her plate.  “I…what about my daughter?” 

                “She would be welcome.  There’s a second bedroom – you can even enroll her in the private school nearby.” 

                However, she knew Allie liked her public school and her friends there.  She liked karate and soccer and being in a house with Amethyst and Crystal.  Jasper would miss that too.  She knew if she ever got married, that would be something she’d have to face, but she and Alabaster had only known each other for a month.  Plus, she considered perhaps he had that separate apartment because he was potentially still married, though she focused once again on his unadorned left hand.  “It just seems very fast.” 

                “You don’t have to make a decision now, just know the offer stands.” 

                “I’ll think on it.”   

                When they returned to their room, he immediately embraced her, kissing her cheek, trailing down to her neck.  His fingers toyed with the floral lei she still wore from her excursion.  “How do you feel about trying something new tonight?” 

                “Um…new can be good…”  Her mind raced what he might have in mind.  Aside from getting it on at thirty-thousand feet they really hadn’t done anything overly kinky. 

                Alabaster took the lei off her and tossed it on a dresser.  “Have you ever had fun with costumes?” 

                Her mind wandered back to one Halloween when her family had decided to be super heroes because Allie wanted to dress up as Storm from X-Men.  However, once she’d collected her candy and fallen asleep still insisting on wearing the costume, Jasper and Bismuth had retreated to their own room where they’d had some fun as Wonder Woman and Batman.  She smiled at the memory.  “Yeah.”

                He handed her a pink paper bag.  “I’d love to see you in this.  Just, be a little open-minded.”

                Jasper peeked inside and immediately felt her smile fall as she picked up a fake grass skirt and pulled it out.  It was probably only long enough to cover her rear and not much else.  Lying in the bottom was a plastic coconut bra held together with a flimsy string and leis made of colorful fabric flowers.  “What is this?” 

                “I thought you would look rather pretty in it, darlin’.”

                Her head reeled.  What the fuck was this?  Was he genuinely ignorant that this wasn’t okay?  Or did he know exactly what he was doing and did not care?  “I-I can’t wear this.” 

                “Why not, darlin’?”  He wrapped an arm around her shoulders. 

                Jasper plunked the skirt back in the bag.  “Because this type of costume is a pale representation of the Hawaiian culture…no, it’s a mockery of the Hawaiian culture and highly disrespectful.  It would be disrespectful of me to wear it.” 

                His fingers raked through her hair.  “I think you’d look wonderful in your native attire.”

                She felt almost sick, her stomach flip-flopping and shuddering at his touch.  “I’ve told you – I’m Samoan, not Hawaiian.”

                “It’s practically the same thing.” 

                Disbelief settled in her, followed by the burning of anger.  “No…no it’s not!” 

                “Don’t be upset, darlin’.  If you’re not Hawaiian, then what’s the problem?” 

                She wrenched herself away from him, turning and looking into his eyes.  “I just told you over dinner how I spent the day learning about all these beautiful Polynesian cultures and you want me to wear this fake outfit that completely cheapens all of that.” 

                “You said some of them wore grass skirts.” 

                Clearly, he had not been listening that closely.  “The Tahitians wore them and they were real grass and they weren’t green and they were definitely long enough to cover more than just their butts.”

                “I meant no offense.  I simply wanted to give you something that might make you look more exotic.”

                He did not just use that word.  “Excuse me?  Exotic?” 

                “My apologies if I upset you, darlin’.”  He took the bag from her and set it down.  Alabaster wrapped his arms around her and kissed her neck.  “Come on now…don’t be like that.” 

                Jasper squirmed; she was still angry and she didn’t want him kissing on her like this.  She felt his fingers at the zipper of her dress and before she knew it, he’d pulled it down and unhooked her bra.  “What are you doing?” 

                “First, I’m going to help you out of your clothes…then I’m going to make love to you.” 

                “You really think that’s going to happen after what you just pulled?” 

                His teeth grazed her earlobe as he pulled down her dress.  His breath was hot against her as he whispered: “I know it’s going to happen.” 

                Jasper pulled away from his grasp.  “That’s pretty cocky of you to assume that when you’ve just insulted me.” 

                “I like seeing women dressed in the clothing of their country.” 

                She crossed her arms, partly to cover herself and thought of that Wonder Woman costume.  “Well, then, a pair of star spangled booty shorts will do just fine.” 

                “You make a big deal about how I’m disrespecting your culture but now all of a sudden you’re American again?  Make up your mind.” 

                “Okay then, let’s straighten it out.  First of all, the culture you disrespected, once again, is not mine – I am not in any way Hawaiian that I know of.  Second, I have respect for the place my ancestors came from, right down to my parents and through them I am Samoan and I’m proud that I am.  And third, I was born in the United States – a country I am glad to call my home, where I live in freedom, which I fought for, which I was willing to give my life for.  I was a soldier – and part of me, in many ways, still is – and you want to reduce me to being…just a woman.” 

                “There is no shame in being a woman and in owning the sensuality you clearly possess.  I merely wanted to give you something to enhance that sensuality.” 

                “Then give lingerie – the nightgown you gave me in Paris was perfect.”

                “Did you bring it?” 

                “Maybe…” 

                “Will you put it on for me?”  When he saw her reluctance, he stroked her cheek.  “Come on…” 

                Jasper wanted to refuse, but maybe he had been genuinely ignorant and in need of her understanding…and some education.  Plus…oh, God…the way he was holding her now and sliding his hand down her back.  How the hell did he know how to turn her on so well?  His lips pressed against her neck.   “Never mind, I have a better idea.” 

                Alabaster retrieved the lei made of real flowers and put it around her neck then he found one of the sarongs she’d bought while there and tied it at an angle around her waist before removing her panties.  “Is that better, darlin’?” 

                She wasn’t actually sure it was; part of her still felt very wrong about bringing these items into bedroom activities.  Still, it couldn’t possibly be as bad as that awful, fake costume.   

                “What to do up top?” 

                Heat rose in her cheeks.  “Traditionally, women wore nothing over that area.”

                He arranged her hair so it covered her breasts and then stroked her cheek again.  “You’re so beautiful.  Go put some makeup on – I want to take pictures.” 

                “Excuse me?” 

                “Just for myself…no one else will see.” 

                Jasper put her hands on her hips and sighed.  “If I do this, no pictures of my naughty bits – keep it at least a little classy.”  She retreated to the bathroom where she lined her eyes and placed a bit of natural-looking shadow on the lids.  She used red lip stain so it wouldn’t smear when she kissed him and then gazed in the mirror at her reflection hoping what she doing was not shameful…and that no one would ever see these pictures. 

                And he took several with his phone’s camera.  “This is just going to stay between us, right?” she asked. 

                “Darlin’, I am not sharing you with anyone else.”  _Click_.  “You’re absolutely stunning.” _Click_.  “My tropical flower.” 

                Unsure that this was any better than ‘exotic’ she rolled her eyes then felt them widen as he moved her hair away from her chest and snapped a picture before setting his phone down and crawling on top of her.  He kissed her aggressively, holding her close.  “I like this look on you…a little nervousness.  Can I pretend you’re a virgin princess tonight?” 

                Her heart fluttered nervously in her chest.  “You can pretend whatever the fuck you want; we both know I’m not a virginal anything.”

                Alabaster’s body was pressed against hers and he reached down, his fingers working their magic to warm her up a little then pushing inside of her uncomfortably.  She cried out in pain and immediately he clamped his hand over her mouth.  “Shhhhh,” he hissed.  “It’s okay.” 

                Jasper grabbed his wrist and pulled his hand away.  “No!” 

                “What’s wrong?” 

                “Don’t ever put your hand over my mouth.”  Most of the time, the past was a small thought in the back of her mind – unpleasant, but not overpowering…unless someone did something that scared her.  Unless they grabbed her wrists like Akhram had or covered her mouth like Sergeant McCoy did…then fear completely overtook her.  However, she had not discussed any of these experiences with Alabaster. 

                “Darlin’, I’d never do anything to hurt you.  If this makes you uncomfortable, I will stop.” 

                Her heartbeat started slowing down.  He was not going to hurt her.  “It’s okay…we can keep going.” 

                Jasper stayed still and silent beneath him; her mood was a bit ruined now.  In fact, she wasn’t exactly sure why she had agreed to do it especially when her orgasm ended up being as fake as the grass skirt he’d tried giving her.  He finished anyway and rolled over to sleep.  She went to the bathroom to remove her makeup and while standing there, felt that familiar trickle down the inside of her thigh.  _Damn it…_ she thought.  She hadn’t even realized he didn’t put a condom on.  Were they monogamous?  Did she have reason to worry?  “Jameela…”

                Her counterpart was on her plush white couch already asleep and unable to offer advice.  Apparently she was that far removed from Jasper that she wasn’t affected by her sex life anymore.  Looking in on Jameela with her makeup done, dressed in her white floral dress with her hair silky and wavy, she remembered Alabaster saying not to be afraid of her sensual side.  She’d always accepted Jameela as that part of herself, but there was something more…there was something about her Jasper desperately wanted to understand and wasn’t sure if she wanted that to become a part of her or not and that’s probably what scared her the most about her alter-ego.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you ever visit Hawaii - the Polynesian Cultural Center is a real place - I have never been lucky enough to go to Hawaii or visit it, but I picked the brains of a few friends who have to try and make it at least somewhat accurate. Honestly, research is partly what took me so long with this chapter. 
> 
> The legend of Nafanua is a good one - when I read it, I had no other choice for Jasper's middle name. If you'd like to read it online, you can Google it - there are a few different versions, however her mother will be telling it in the next chapter. 
> 
> And we will slowly get more insight into Jameela and who and what she really is. 
> 
> As for Alabaster...stay tuned for the next chapter.


	13. Deserving

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter - let's go! 
> 
> Thanks to my new Beta - TuskedLioness - for looking this over and helping me polish it to perfection. 
> 
> So, let's check in with Jasper and see how things are going. :)

** Chapter 12 – Deserving  **

                “It feels like we just did this a week ago,” Jasper’s father joked as they all sat down to a Sunday dinner. 

                “Except Allie wasn’t here.”  Her mother unfolded her napkin and placed it on her lap.  “So, Allie, how was Texas?” 

                “It was amazing!  I got to go horseback riding and Grandma taught me to make chicken and dumplings – can I make them sometime, Mom?”  When Jasper nodded, she continued.  “And Sapphire has a boyfriend now.  I caught them kissing.”

                “How old are her cousins again?”  Amethyst asked. 

                “They’ll be fourteen in June,” Jasper told her.  She had never been much for dating herself at that age, of course, she’d been going through an awkward phase at the time.  It wasn’t until she was around sixteen that she’d grown into her figure and gotten her braces off that guys started looking…and they’d never really stopped. 

                After dinner, the kids were sent off to play, which generally meant a conversation needed to be had that didn’t involve them.  Jasper’s father smiled at his daughters.  “This is a heavy topic for a family dinner, but we want you both to think about what you might want when we’re gone.” 

                It took a moment for Jasper to process what he was saying.  “Wait…you mean _gone_ gone?”  Her father nodded.  “Are…is everything okay?” 

                “We’re fine, just getting older,” her mother explained.  “We all know our health could probably be a little better.  Now, we’re not going anywhere any time soon, but just in case, we need to start getting everything in order.  Most of our possessions can be sold, but there may be some special items you might want to keep.” 

                “Mostly we’re thinking about if either of you want the house,” her father said.  “Or if you might sell it and split the funds.”

                Jasper and Amethyst exchanged glances.  Technically the house they shared was in Jasper’s name as it was the one she and Bismuth had hoped to make their home in.  “I suppose Amethyst can have it if she wants.”  Truthfully, she didn’t want to think about any monetary gain she might receive once her parents passed.  She knew, of course, it would happen eventually, but she figured they had many more years.  Her parents had been in her life since she was born…before she was born…the idea of a world without them was both foreign and terrifying.  

                “Can I call dibs on the china set?” Amethyst asked.  “And the really good pots and pans I’ve been coveting for years?” 

                Jasper looked at her in disbelief.  “Call dibs?  Really?”

                “Is calling dibs in bad form?” 

                Their father laughed heartily.  “No, it’s very Amethyst.  And where are you going to store the china?” 

                Amethyst gave a sheepish grin.  “Can I have the hutch too?” 

                Jasper shrugged.  “What if I want the china hutch?”

                “Fight me.” 

                She stood and removed her shirt revealing her muscles and the tank top underneath that said: ‘I flexed and the sleeves fell off’.  “Let’s go.”

                 “Aaaaaaaaand, it’s yours.”

                She laughed.  “You can have the china hutch.” 

                “We just want to get everything ironed out so you girls don’t have to worry when the time comes.”  Jasper’s mother squeezed her hand.  “We want a traditional Catholic Mass, which requires our bodies to be there, then to be cremated and eventually have our ashes scattered on Savai’i.  It’s where we met…where we got married.” 

                Amethyst and Jasper gave each other another look.  They’d have to start saving to be able to afford to travel there, but hopefully they’d have many more years before they’d even have to think about it.  Jasper supposed it was good to be prepared, but it was difficult to think about. 

                “Do you have any questions?” her mother asked. 

                Jasper couldn’t think of any, not about that, though she probably would later.  However, there was the question she’d wanted to ask her mother since that encounter in Hawaii.  “This is completely unrelated, but who was Nafanua and why am I named after her?” 

                Her mother smiled.  “I was wondering when you’d ask.  Nafanua was a warrior princess, the daughter of Saveasi’uleo.” 

                “The god of Pulotu,” Amethyst said, referencing the underworld. 

                “Someone paid attention to my stories.”  She chuckled when Jasper shook her head.  “Once, a long time ago, a great war was raged between the East and the West on Savai’i.  The high chief of the East dominated the West and, as punishment, made the people climb coconut trees feet first with their heads pointed downward in humiliation – this included their chief, who happened to be Saveasi’uleo’s brother.  When he reached the top, he let out a great sigh so loud it was heard not only all over the island, but into Pulotu itself.  Saveasi’uleo was so enraged, he awakened his daughter and told her to cut down the Toa tree – the only living thing in the underworld – and make four weapons from it.  She struck down the tree with one swipe of her hand and made the weapons infused with spirits of the underworld.  The journey from Pulotu to the living world was long and difficult, but she made it, and was greeted by a couple near the village of Falealupo.  They were so thankful – a savior had come to them at last!  ‘But’, they asked, ‘where is your army’? 

“She responded that she needed no army because her weapons from Pulotu were so powerful.  They offered their assistance and she gave them two instructions – to stay to one side of the main road because she could not distinguish them from the enemies and that they were to ‘strike with courtesy’.  You see, the spirits in their weapons would whisper to slaughter anyone, but Nafanua vowed that if they asked for mercy, she would grant it and she expected the same of the couple.” 

                “Okay,” Jasper interrupted.  “Is this a real story, or a fable?” 

                “I like to imagine there is some truth to it – that she may have been a real woman once, but certainly not the daughter of a god or wielding magical weapons.  However, she must’ve been a skilled warrior.”  Her mother cleared her throat and continued. 

“The next day, they fought in the great war – day after day, hoards of warriors would arrive to fight and would be defeated by Nafanua and the couple. She fought with determination and skill, killing the enemy soldiers quickly with her chosen weapon, which was a hooked club.  She didn’t forget her vow and if they asked for mercy, she gave it.  The couple, however, disregarded her warning – overcome with whispers from the spirits, they slaughtered those who begged for their lives and one day, they ventured to the Nafanua’s side of the road where they were struck down by her club and killed.  She chased her enemies to a nearby village and stopped, looking down on them because it was her uncle’s village and her father had told her not to go there.  She fell to her knees and gave a great sigh heard all over the island.  Just then, a gust of wind blew her shirt upwards exposing her as a woman and the men were very ashamed they had lost to her and decided to end the war.  The captives were freed and she returned to Falealupo where she was celebrated and welcomed as their warrior princess.  Her legend is a popular one to this day.” 

                “So…why name me after her and then try to keep me from my calling?” 

                “I wanted to give you the name of a fighter because you were born almost six weeks too early.  You were so tiny and had almost no fat on you – I never imagined you’d be almost six feet tall someday.”  Her mother laughed.  “Back then all the doctors could do was keep you warm and comfortable and hoped you’d make it and you did.  I knew you had the spirit of a warrior.” 

                “What about me?”  Amethyst asked. 

                Her mother made an exasperated sound.  “You were two weeks _late_!  I was trying everything to get you to come out and then you did and you were big and round as a beach ball!  I tore from north to south!”

                The table erupted into laughter before Amethyst caught her breath and spoke.  “No, my middle name – Talia – what does it mean?”

                “It comes from ‘ _fa’atali_ ’, meaning ‘to wait’ – more than that, it means great anticipation of a wonderful event.  After trying for eight years to have another child, you were worth waiting for.”  She reached over and touched Amethyst’s cheek.  “I love both my girls.”  Her gaze turned to Jasper.  “That’s why I tried to discourage you from joining.  I knew it was your path, but I couldn’t face the thought of you being over there…being shot at.  When those men showed up at the door…my heart stopped.” 

                Jasper recalled the day she’d opened her own door to the same sight and felt that same icy feeling in the pit of her stomach.  “I know what that’s like.” 

                “When they told me you had been captured and we didn’t know where you were…” her eyes shimmered with tears.  “I didn’t know what they were d-doing to you…if you were even alive.  I prayed every night that God would bring you home safe.” 

                “He did, Mom, trust me…” Jasper remembered spending a lot of time on her own knees looking heavenward as she’d faced an uncertain future.  “I was doing my fair share of praying too.”  She hadn’t been particularly religious before then, professing faith in God, but never praying or going to church.  She knew firsthand that suffering could bring a person closer to the Almighty.  “I prayed He would give me a sign I was going to go on…that I would make it…”  She had never told her parents much of her time in the prison…she’d never told them about the baby.

                “I thought of all the ways they could be hurting you, but then I visited your auntie.  I had prayed for God to give me a sign you would be okay.  She had a woven mat in her house with the image of Nafanua’s club on it…and I remembered that you were a warrior.  I knew no matter what they did to you, you were stronger than that.” 

                Perhaps she didn’t need to tell them; it was in the past after all.  They knew how brave she was without knowing everything.  They were the two people who had encouraged her to be strong since the day she was born and if she could survive being brought into the world early, war, abuse and the death of her husband, she knew in that moment, she could endure no matter what else life threw at her.

*

                Jasper arrived home Friday after meeting with the personal shopper to choose yet another dress for a fancy gala the next evening.  Determined they would not cover her in makeup again, she chose a black velvet gown with lace sleeves that would hide her tattoo.  The best part was she would be able to wear a regular bra with it instead of the bustier which hurt and made it hard to breathe.  She had an appointment at a salon the next afternoon for hair and makeup, then she’d be whisked away to meet Alabaster for the evening and spend the night at his penthouse.  Honestly, most of her wondered how and when she was going to break it off. 

                _He’s just…not for you…not for us_ , Jameela said. 

                Jasper agreed.  There was a small part of her that loved being pampered – that enjoyed receiving gifts and taking vacations, but there was another part of her that knew deep in her heart she could never love him.  Never mind her newfound suspicions; what had happened in Hawaii was unacceptable and made her see a side of him she wished she hadn’t.  It was over this past week when she’d been at his apartment for dinner that she began to notice his staff were all people of color whom he hardly spoke two words to and dismissed with a wave of his hand when their jobs were complete.

                “Have you given anymore thought to my offer, darlin’?” he’d asked the following morning, referring to her moving in as his housekeeper cleared the dishes.  He always called her Maria, despite Jasper noticing her nametag clearly said ‘Margarita’.

                “I…need a little more time.  It would mean Allie switching schools and the year is over in about two months.”  However, this was not the reason and she should have been straightforward at that point.  It didn’t matter that he was rich and the sex was good; they were from entirely different worlds with incredibly different views and some of his made her wonder what he _really_ thought of her. 

                She stashed the dress in her closet and eyed her ever-expanding wardrobe.  Would he expect all these clothes back or let her keep them?  If she kept them, she may sell the fancier dresses as they’d catch a good price, but some of the casual ones she’d worn in Paris and Hawaii might be appropriate for further dates.

                “You have pretty dresses,” a small voice said. 

                Jasper turned and looked at Crystal.  She was now in a phase where she didn’t want her mom choosing her clothes for her.  Amethyst, claiming it encouraged her creativity, didn’t stop her, which is why she now stood there in lime green leggings, a short denim skirt, a dark purple top accented with random geometric shapes of different colors and a yellow hijab.  “Did you need something, Crystal?” 

                “Dad’s coming to get me tomorrow, so I won’t get to see you in your dress.” 

                “I’ll make sure I get pictures.”  Jasper sat on the bed and patted the spot next to her.  Crystal hopped up and smiled at her aunt.  “You miss your dad a lot, don’t you?” 

                “I wish he lived close.  Not just him, but Nadima and Mahir and Zahir,” she said, referencing Tubaz’s wife and her siblings.  “It would be nice if we all lived in one big house together.  I heard Muslims can have more than one wife, so Dad could marry Mom and we’d all be a family.” 

                Ah, a six-year-old’s logic was so simple.  “Some do in countries where that’s allowed, but it’s not possible here.  Your father loves Nadima and her alone.  He’s friends with Amethyst, which is a good thing because sometimes parents don’t get along and fight all the time.  Yes, it’s sad that they can’t live closer, but you have so many people who love you.  Some little kids aren’t that fortunate.” 

                “On Wednesday, when I get to Empire City, Nadima is taking us shopping for party clothes.” 

                Eid Al Fitr was on Thursday, marking the end of Ramadan, so Crystal would leave on Wednesday for an extended weekend visit and she was quite excited about getting to miss school for it.  “I bet she’ll help you pick something pretty.” 

                “Maybe a matching hijab too.  I like looking like her and Mahir.”

                Jasper leaned back, her weight resting on her hands causing them to sink into the plush comforter.  “Crystal, do you wear your hijab because it makes you feel like you’re still a part of their family even when you’re here with us?” 

                Her niece nodded.  “I miss them and it makes me think of them.” 

                She sat up straight and hugged Crystal.  “When Bismuth died, I wore my wedding ring for a very long time afterwards for the same reason.  It reminded me of the connection we’d shared, of the memories we’d made.  It was comforting and when the time came for me to take it off, it hurt a little because I thought it was a sign I would forget him or that I didn’t love him as much.  But, you see, taking it off didn’t erase what we had; it didn’t wipe the memories from my mind.  I was his wife and I will never forget that.  I’m not going to tell you that you can’t wear your hijab.  If you want to wear it for any reason, you go right ahead, but I will tell you that you are your father’s daughter whether you’re with him or not and he loves you very much.” 

                Crystal beamed, showing off the gap in the front of her mouth where she’d recently lost her front teeth.  “Thanks, Aunt Jasper!”

                Once she’d run off, Jasper went downstairs where Amethyst was sitting at the kitchen table with her laptop open.  “Working on a story?” 

                “I’m doing some research.  I want to turn the story of Nafanua into a children’s book and maybe other stories from Samoa, if Mom’s willing to tell them to me.” 

                Jasper laughed.  “Mom’s full of stories.  I wish I’d paid more attention when I was a kid.” 

                “Me too, but this way I can take them and pass them onto a new generation – even to kids who haven’t heard them before.  Take a look at this, though.” 

Amethyst turned her laptop toward Jasper who stared at the picture on the screen.  It was a drawing of the warrior goddess clad only in a sarong with her hair blowing in the wind.  She held her club, her eyes staring out at Jasper, dark and foreboding.  She had a similar tattoo on her shoulder and arm and even lower, her body was decorated in full _pe’a_ – a mark of ultimate bravery.  “Can women even get _pe’a_?” 

“I have a feeling Nafanua was the kind of woman who didn’t give a flying fuck if they could or not.  She did what she wanted – kind of like you.”

Jasper nodded.  She’d certainly never known any Samoan woman to adorn her body in such a way.  _Pe’a_ covered from the waist to below the knee, front and back, in intricate designs; it was a process that was painful and drawn out over multiple sessions, but the man – or in this case, woman – who completed it was considered among the bravest warriors.  The traditional tattoo for women – _malu_ – covered only the thighs and was much more delicate in design.  

Jasper cupped her chin with her hand, tapping her finger against her cheek as she thought.  Just because she hadn’t ever known it to be done didn’t mean it _couldn’t_ be done.  If it was a mark of bravery who deserved it more than someone who had seen war and come home to tell the tale, who had taken out thirteen men with only a knife and her skills, who had already suffered so much pain and come through it…shouldn’t she be able to have that inked on her body? 

She sat at the table, crossing her arms and looking at the design on her skin.  She seemed to remember thinking about getting _malu_ at one point.  Never had she thought she’d make her decision based on what any man wanted, but it turned out Bismuth was not a fan of tattoos on women.  “I respect it as part of your culture and understand it means a great deal to you,” he had told her.  “If you want to get further tattoos because it has significance, I won’t stop you – it’s your body – but I won’t find it attractive.”   She suspected he didn’t like them because he had one himself – a star and triangle design on his arm he’d picked out when he was eighteen, simply because he could and he’d regretted it. 

However, she hadn’t only gotten the tattoo because she was a warrior.  She had escaped the room only once during her imprisonment and as punishment, Akhram carved a word into her skin just under her left collarbone.  She couldn’t read Arabic, but she was pretty sure it meant ‘whore’.  He’d rubbed ink into it in a crude way of marking her as such forever.  Her Samoan tattoo now covered this – quite well, actually – and unless someone knew what they were looking for, it was nearly impossible to find on her skin. 

“So…when they get _pe’a_ done, do they…um…tattoo their…you know…winkies?”  Amethyst asked. 

                Jasper laughed.  “Winkies?  How old are you?”  She only knew the answer having been up close and personal with Tani.  “No, they don’t tattoo their cocks.”  Staring at the drawing though, she knew she was deserving of it and would have to at some point ask her father a few questions about getting one.

*

                The gala was much like the one she’d attended in Paris and Alabaster told her she was ‘radiant’ and ‘dazzling’.  His sister attended as well and accompanied them back to the penthouse where, apparently, she would stay in the guest room.  “I’d much prefer to stay in a hotel,” she said as they entered. 

                “Now, Amarela, I hardly ever get to see you.  I won’t have you staying in some hotel,” her brother told her. 

                Amarela gave him a smile and chuckled.  “Yes, well, it’s not as if I couldn’t afford it and it’s not as if we’ll be spending much time together with… _her_ here.” 

                Jasper felt her face flush under the airbrushed makeup that once again covered up her marbled appearance.  ‘Her’, really?  Amarela had to know her name, right? 

                His sister took a deep breath.  “I’m quite exhausted after such an event.  I’ll see you at breakfast.”  She allowed him to kiss her cheek and gave Jasper a curt nod before heading off, her stilettos clacking on the hardwood floor. 

                ‘Not as if I couldn’t afford it’, her voice resounded in Jasper’s head.  This was almost too much.  Her hand went to her neck where earlier that evening, Alabaster had clasped a real diamond necklace.  The only other real diamond she’d worn in her life was her engagement ring, which had been small.  She’d been taken in by the way this larger one sparkled.  Now it felt heavy…artificial…a foreign object in her world.  He’d bought her earrings too, but she didn’t have pierced ears, so they were still in the box, sitting in her purse.  Jasper felt his hand on her back, rubbing gently and couldn’t tell if he was trying to be soothing or seductive. 

                “C’mon darlin’, it’s late.”  With his hand still on her back, he guided her to the bedroom.  “Pay her no mind.” 

                “I mean, if you want to spend time with her, I’ll just…go to bed or something.”  

                “No.”  He waved his hand dismissingly as he closed the door.  “We’ll all have a nice breakfast together tomorrow morning.  You two can get to know each other.” 

                Yeah…because Jasper and Amarela had ever so much in common.  She looked in the mirror, detesting her appearance.  She missed her stripes; they were part of who was she was – they gave her character and without them, despite all the makeup, which highlighted the beauty of her eyes, she felt plain.  Jasper removed the necklace, returning it to its box and placing it on the dresser.  If she was breaking up with him soon, she certainly wouldn’t keep it.  She felt his presence behind her as he ran his hands along her arms causing her to shiver. 

                “You cold, darlin’?” 

                “Maybe a little.”  God, was she really going to give into him once more before breaking it off?  A gasp escaped her as his lips pressed against her neck and those welcome tingles zipped through her spine.  Yes, if she was going to do this…might as well have one more good night of sex.

                His breath was hot against her ear.  “I’ll gladly warm you.”

                Jasper surrendered…to his touch, to his kisses, completely until they were lying in bed together panting.  Her heart raced as her eyes darted around the room and her nether regions still tingled.  Was she _really_ going to give all this up?  Would it be so bad to continue for just a little while longer? 

                She should have been exhausted, but instead she found herself wide awake long after he fell asleep silently debating what she should do.  There were a lot of things she liked, but she’d also seen some shocking behavior that unnerved her.  She also had never figured out whether he’d drugged her in Paris or not; even on that suspicion alone, she knew she should break it off.  Reaching over, she clicked her phone on.  It was one in the morning.  Realizing sleep would not find her, she got out of bed and looked around for something to cover herself when she saw a soft light coming through the crack under the door.  She donned one of his robes and quietly she slipped out and into the lit living room where Amarela was sitting on the couch scrolling through a tablet.  “You’re…up late.” 

                The other woman didn’t bother looking over.  “It’s only ten thirty back home, besides, I can’t sleep unless it’s _absolutely quiet_.”

                Embarrassed heat burned in her cheeks again.  She quietly padded into the kitchen and poured herself a glass of water from the filtered pitcher in the fridge.  “I’m sorry we disturbed you,” she said as she passed by. 

                Amarela sighed as the light from her tablet went dark upon her pressing the power button.  “Jasper, sit down.” 

                “You _do_ know my name.”  Jasper wasn’t sure if she’d said this more to Amarela or herself.  She took a seat on the opposite end of the couch.  “Kind of surprising since you don’t seem to like me.” 

                “I hardly know you, but what I do know is you’re a very strong woman,” she said in that cool voice.  “You don’t deserve my brother…” 

                “Well, I think that’s something…” 

                “You deserve better – _much_ better.”  She slid her tablet onto the glass coffee table and sat back, crossing one long leg over the other.  “He told me you’re a widow and that you’re raising a child all by yourself – no easy task.” 

                “My sister does help,” Jasper offered up.  “But, yes, I’m a single mom.  My husband was killed in the war.”

                Amarela was silent for a moment.  “Condolences.  I’m a widow too, but because Neela decided to leave me in the worst way possible.  I did love her, don’t misunderstand me, but when my eye fell on other women…it drove her crazy.  Those last few years, I was faithful and I thought we were doing well, but the damage was done and I can only hope she’s found peace from her torment.” 

                “I’m so sorry.”  And she was…deep down she felt for this woman who had lost the love of her life.  Jasper could only imagine how it must hurt to have realized her spouse _chose_ to leave her.  She wasn’t entirely sure why they were having this conversation, until she realized…  “Alabaster is married, isn’t he?” 

                “Yes, and more to the point, he’s a complete fraud.”  Amarela gave a brief amused laugh.  “That ridiculous accent…his story about us being from ‘old money’…claiming not to know where we’re from.”  She must’ve noticed Jasper’s shocked expression.  “Oh, don’t feel bad; you’re not the first woman he’s used these lies with.” 

                “What exactly is the truth?”  Her stomach felt like it was full of ice and doing flip flops. 

                “We were born in Hoboken…”

                “New Jersey?” 

                “Yes, our grandparents were Russian immigrants who came here after the war – that would be the Second World War.  They had very little and worked hard, as did our parents, as did we – nothing was handed to us, Jasper.  Everything we have now we built ourselves…the Diamante Corporation…our entire empire.  He aspired to join society and put on this false persona.  His wife fell for it and they got married; he had his trophy wife and a child.” 

                “He’s a _father_?”  This was an absolute shock. 

                “Was.  I’m afraid when Roselyn died, the best parts of Alabaster died with her.”  Despite coming across as icy, Amarela’s eyes shone with unshed tears.  “I loved my niece too.  Her daddy would buy the most expensive treatments, the best doctors…but money can’t solve everything.  Her being sick for so long and finally losing the battle, well, it took a toll on their marriage.  She’s found comfort in charity work and he’s found comfort in…” she cast a glance at Jasper “…filling his bed.  Now, I’m not at all excusing his behavior; I just want you to know everything before you decide how you want to proceed.” 

                “If he’s married, I don’t want to proceed at all.”  Jasper’s hands were clenched tightly together in her lap and she couldn’t even look at Amarela as anger built in her.  “I am…not that kind of woman…I’m not the _other_ woman.”  God, she wanted to pick up the glass sitting on the table and hurl it at the wall!  How _dare_ he use her like this?!  “And there…have been others, haven’t there?”

                “Oh, please.  You’re his flavor of the year – the longest he’s had a mistress is two years; he really liked her.  Of course, I think her only word of English was ‘yes’.  He does this – wines and dines, buys you clothes and gifts, has you move in…he cuts you off from friends and family.  At that point, you’re at his mercy and it’s pretty much pleasing him every night.  Then, in about a year, his eye will fall on someone else and he’ll tell you to leave whether you have somewhere to go or not.” 

                 Jasper couldn’t help but wonder if that’s why it took him a while to invite her to his apartment.  Had he been keeping another woman here?  Did he have to wait to cast her out to make room for another mistress?  The very word made her feel sick and her voice came out as small as she felt.  “I wanted to find someone…someone to marry.”  

                “I have no doubt you will, but it won’t be my brother.”  Amarela stood, scooped up her tablet and walked down the hall without a word. 

                Despite wearing a robe, a chill seeped into her and she wrapped her arms around herself.  She really believed he’d seen something in her…that he might have loved her…

                There was no possible way she could go back into the bedroom to share his bed again.  She considered just leaving...leaving a note and slipping away, never to see him again.  However, Jasper was no coward and she was going to confront him about all this. 

*

                “Darlin’…” 

                Jasper’s eyes fluttered open and she stretched her aching neck realizing she’d fallen asleep sitting up.  She took a breath and looked up at Alabaster as he shook her shoulder. 

                “Why did you sleep out here?” he asked as he sat next to her. 

                As the cobwebs of sleep cleared from her brain, clearing her mind, she recalled her conversation with Amarela and the anger surfaced again, mixed with notes of disbelief and an undertone of sorrow like a frenzied symphony inside her.  She wiggled her shoulders, freeing them from his arm draped around her.  “You lying son of a bitch!”

                “Darlin’…what did I do?” 

                “How dare you not tell me you were married!”

                And he laughed – actually chuckled as though amused.  “My dear, that’s common knowledge; I assumed you knew.” 

                “I didn’t.  Had I known, I would have never gotten involved with you.”  There was that familiar pressure behind her eyes.  _Damn it, not now_ …she wanted to remain strong, but the pain in her chest was crushing.  “I actually believed you cared about me.”

                She felt all her muscles stiffen as Alabaster put an arm around her again.  “Listen, darlin’, just because I have a wife doesn’t mean I don’t care.  I hardly ever see her or speak to her; I don’t love her, Jasper.”

                “Then why not get a divorce?” 

                “That is easier said than done, you see.  She’s the type of wife society expects me to have.  Plus, a divorce would mean she gets half of everything and I’m not giving up control of half the company to that wench.”

                God, did she know how her husband talked about her?  How could they stay married without love?  Jasper squirmed but his arm stayed around her.  “When you came along – after so many men who were only after one thing – you appeared in my life and I thought maybe you might be the one.  Maybe…maybe I would get married again…but…you clearly have no concept of what it means to truly be joined to another person like that.”

                He shook his head and gave another amused chuckle.  “Jasper, darlin’, you’re simply not marriage material.”

She clasped her hands in her lap, focusing on her naked ring finger.  She wanted to punch him – to deck him right in his smug face, but then realized she had to prove she had some amount of class.  Plus, she worried this would only reinforce some stereotype of her he likely already had formed in his head.  She took a deep breath trying to calm her shaking hands.  “Someone once thought I was.  I loved my husband with all my heart.  I made a vow to be with him until he died and I kept that vow.  We were separated for long stretches of time when either of us were deployed.  Do you think I didn’t ache for physical contact?  Do you think I just didn’t get downright horny some nights?  Despite all that, I knew in my soul that I promised him my love and my fidelity and he had it.  I never once strayed because besides love, I respected him.  When he died, my world was ripped apart; my heart broke in a million pieces and I thought I would never love like that again.”

“Then we have very different ideas about what marriage is.  In society, it’s about strengthening bonds, joining the right families – making the right connections.  Rarely is it about love.”  He squeezed her shoulder.  “I am a man with needs, Jasper – the need for a beautiful woman by my side…and in my bed.  Can’t you look beyond this just a little while longer?” 

“No.”  She didn’t hesitate in her answer.  “Even if you’re not married for the same reasons I was, the fact remains that you ARE married.  I will not help you disrespect that vow.” 

“Do you think my wife doesn’t have a lover?  She knows; this is our arrangement.  You could enjoy all this…” Alabaster’s hand rested lightly on her knee.  “After all, I feel I’ve been extremely generous and all you’ve had to do is lay in my bed.”

There was a crash in her mind and she peeked in at Jameela who had smashed one of the vases around her to a million pieces.  Flowers littered the floor as water pooled around her feet.  Her eyes were dark and angry and Jasper could feel her wrath as she screamed.  _‘I have been very generous to you, Jameela!  Will you lay with me tonight, Jameela?!’  God, what an ASSHOLE and this guy is just like him!  He doesn’t love us!  He wants to make us his whore!_

Jasper took a breath and let it out slowly, her voice hardly above a whisper.  “You’re just like him…”

                “Pardon me, darlin’?” 

                “I can’t and I won’t.  You’re wrong about me; I am the marrying type and someday I’ll find someone who will love me enough to make those vows with me and keep them.  And you know what, if I don’t, then I know I am strong and I will be just fine.”  She stood, removing herself from his touch.  “I have nothing to wear home besides the dress I wore here, so I am going to change into that then I will leave.  You won’t ever see me again, but I will drop off all the clothes with your housekeeper – who, by the way, is named Margarita, not Maria.”

                “You may keep the clothes, Jasper.  I do think it best if you get dressed and leave now.” 

                Jasper wasted no time padding to the room, disrobing and putting on the clothes she had last night.  Alabaster only entered once she was dressed.  The thought of him…of this place…of everything she’d done over the past six weeks or so made her feel sick.  She had been nothing to him but a classy whore.  She grabbed her purse and headed for the door. 

                “Darlin’, you forgot these.”  Alabaster held out the jewelry box containing the earrings and necklace. 

                “That’s too much.  Save them for your next conquest.”

                “I bought them for you.  They’re yours.” 

                She was done yelling; she had no desire to argue or stay longer so she swiped them from his hand.   “Thank you.  Goodbye, Alabaster.” 

                Jasper didn’t wait for him to respond, but stalked confidently out of the apartment, leaving behind only the echo of her shoes on the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How many of you are glad she dropped his ass? 
> 
> Now she can move on!


	14. Like a Comet

** Chapter 13 – Like a Comet **

                When Jasper returned home, there was a note on the table from Amethyst: ‘Went with Mom to church – took the kids.’ 

                Truthfully, she was thankful to be alone for a while as she got out of the dress, scrubbed the makeup off her face and took a shower as though washing away the sin of the evening.  “I can’t _believe_ he’s _married_ …” she muttered to herself. 

                Jameela’s shoes tapped a rhythm as she paced in Jasper’s head. _I knew it…I just knew there was something I didn’t like about him.  I get to pick the next guy._

                “Yeah…about that, Jameela…your track record isn’t that great either.”

                Her alter-ego sighed and plopped down on her plush couch.  _Fair enough.  So now what?_  

                Jasper turned off the water and wrapped herself in a towel.  “I think I’m going for a run.”  She had to do something to cool down and calm herself.  After quickly throwing on some workout clothes and pulling her hair back, she took off out the door and down the street.  Running offered an escape; it was just her and the road, the wind whistling past her ears.  It was a chance to collect her thoughts and try to come up with solutions. 

God, the entire time, she’d been nothing but a side fling – helping him cheat on his wife.  Did Amarela really mean what she said about Jasper deserving better?  Well, meaning it or not, Jasper knew that was true.  She’d had better; no, she’d had the best.  She didn’t think anyone could compare to Bismuth, in fact she knew it.  When he was alive, he had always been the first thought in her mind when she woke up and the last when she fell asleep at night.  Whether they’d spent the day together and drifted off in each other’s arms or they were thousands of miles apart, they were connected by love.  She’d always read in stories or seen in movies where one spouse would just know if the other was in trouble or even dead and she’d tried to remember if she’d had any sense of foreboding that day.  However, it always remained a very ordinary day in her mind, spending time with Allie and setting up the Christmas tree.

                Perhaps Allie was the reason she hadn’t known.  After all, part of Bismuth lived on in her.  When Jasper watched her teaching or playing with Crystal, the gentle and patient nature of her father was apparent in her.  She had a jovial outlook; her laughter always started deep in her belly and rang from her mouth almost too loud when she found something especially funny.  She felt incredibly blessed to have a piece of her one true love still living. 

                Maybe that was the problem – maybe calling Bismuth the love of her life meant that in her mind she was shutting out the possibility of meeting someone new.  Surely there were still good guys out there.  Certainly she could find one who was kind and caring and treated her with respect. 

                 Jameela was running on a treadmill Jasper had never noticed in her apartment before, but then again, the apartment was very much part of Jasper’s imagination, so she supposed Jameela could have whatever she wanted.  She was wearing an orange track suit with the word ‘juicy’ printed on the butt. 

                “That’s attractive, Jameela,” Jasper huffed as she ran through a crosswalk and down the street.

                _My bra has the word ‘tasty’ bedazzled across it._

                Jasper rolled her eyes.  _Still kind of a whore, aren’t you?_

                _I’m joking – about the bra._

                “Good.”  Jasper hit the button on the next crosswalk symbol and jogged in place as she waited.

                _I don’t wear a bra._

                “Jameela…”  Well, she was idealized, so her breasts probably didn’t need lifting and shaping.  Although, it’s not like any of the men she’d been with had complained about that part of Jasper’s body…or anywhere else for that matter.

                _Why are we running around aimlessly?_

                “We’re not.”  Her thoughts turned again to the men in her life – both past and present and the two who had loved her unconditionally.  One was gone, possibly watching her run from somewhere in another plane of existence where she’d hopefully join him someday.  The other, well, she was running up his driveway and leaping up the steps just now.  She knocked and hugged him as soon as the door was opened.  “Hi, Dad.” 

                “What’s wrong, Baby Girl?”  He led her to the kitchen where he handed her a glass of water and they sat down together. 

                “Mom’s not back yet?”  Jasper asked after she’d downed half the glass.

                “She took your sister and the grandkids out to Taco Bell.  I told her to bring me some.”  He laughed.  “I would have gone to church too if I’d realized tacos were part of the deal.” 

                Jasper playfully poked him in the belly.  “You are supposed to be watching your cholesterol.”  She sighed and rested her chin on her closed fist.  “I broke up with Alabaster.”

                “You did?  Or he broke up with you?” 

                “Oh no, I’m the one who ended that shit.”  She launched into the entire story…well, leaving out anything overtly sexual to spare her father the thought of his daughter getting it on…but everything about Alabaster’s behavior and seemingly racist nature.  “I just can’t believe I blinded myself to that.  I thought I was above being tempted by nice clothes and jewelry, but I guess I’m not.” 

                He squeezed her hand.  “It’s natural to want nice things.” 

                “Yeah, but you and Mom always taught me to work for them.  The fact that I actually overlooked some of the things he did and said makes me sick.”  Another thought crossed her mind that made her stomach plummet to somewhere deep inside her.  “Oh God…he still has those pictures…”

                “What pictures?”

                She felt her face grow hot as she told him about Hawaii and how she’d tried to stand up for herself as much as possible…but also how she’d agreed to it…and how at the last moment he’d moved her hair away snapping a photo of her topless.  “I’m so embarrassed…” 

                “You’re human, Jasper.  We all make mistakes.  Now, hopefully that’s the end and he’ll delete the photos.” 

                If he didn’t delete them, at least Alabaster didn’t seem like the spiteful type that would post them anywhere, though he might keep them for…she shuddered…his own personal enjoyment.  She wasn’t normally ashamed of being scantily clad and ordinarily she probably wouldn’t have even objected to nude photos if done tastefully, but the way he’d used her in such a disrespectful manner that night still hung in her mind. 

“I guess I’ve just never been exposed to real, honest-to-God racism before.  I mean…a little, like store owners eyeing me suspiciously but, you know in the Army it was never an issue, nor in school.  For a town with so few minorities, I’ve never had anyone treat me so badly.  And he fucking called me ‘exotic’...like I was some animal in a zoo or something.  Then, he has the nerve to have makeup artists cover my stripes.  It took me years to be comfortable with my appearance and he almost took that away from me.  He almost took so much from me…”  Jasper’s throat constricted almost painfully.  “Just like Akhram did…God, he was just as much of an asshole…he wanted to change me and not for the better, but to mold me into exactly what he wanted me to be.  Why couldn’t I see that?  I’m such an idiot!” 

                “Hey, hey – you’re not.  You’re my strong, confident daughter and that’s why these men have no chance of changing you.”  Her father held her hands and squeezed them comfortingly.  “Love is not about changing someone, but accepting them…encouraging them to be the best version of themselves they can be…supporting them and caring for them.” 

                She smiled slightly.  “Like Bismuth used to do for me…and I for him…”  Jasper sighed.  “I miss him so much.” 

                “I would imagine that’s normal, but he wouldn’t want you to be sad.  He’d want you to move on.” 

                “I know.”  She took a deep breath and wiped away the moisture that had collected in her eyes.  “I mean it this time – I’m focusing on myself.  I’m going to get together with friends and have fun and not focus on finding a man.  I mean, if one comes along, great, but…I need to work on me.  And the first thing I want to do is get a full _pe’a_ tattoo.” 

                “You mean _malu_ ,” her father corrected. 

                “No.”  Jasper took out her phone and quickly searched Google ultimately finding the same drawing of Nafanua that Amethyst had shown her.  “I just feel after everything I’ve been through…I should have one.  I mean, it’s the ultimate mark of bravery but someone like Tani can just walk into a shop and buy one without any deeds to back it up.  I once wore my achievements on my uniform; now I’d like to wear them on my skin.”

                “Well, I’ve never heard of a woman getting _pe’a_ , but if anyone deserves it, it’s you.  Talk to Uncle Sua and see what he says, but don’t be surprised if he refuses.  You may have to try a few places to find someone willing.  Most of the older _tufuga ta tatau_ like him are very traditional.  You may need to hire a younger person – perhaps someone born here – who is more open-minded to change.”

                Jasper nodded.  Uncle Sua had incorporated an American symbol into the tattoo on her arm– the insignia of her rank in the Army, updated as she was promoted over the years.  However, he had grumbled about that, so she was unsure if he would agree to give her a traditionally male tattoo.  Plus, she’d have to figure out a way to pay for it.  She considered her bank account with her modest savings and her even smaller checking balance.  Then she realized she had two designer dresses and a diamond jewelry set sitting in her bedroom and smiled a little.  Whatever price she might get for those should cover it.

*

                Within a week, she’d managed to put the three items up for sale on a website and sell them.  She hoped they went to good homes and she had made quite a profit.  She decided to keep the more casual dresses, even though they had also been expensive.  They looked nice on her and perhaps she’d want to wear them someday.  She could always sell them later if she changed her mind.

                “You know,” Amethyst said at dinner Friday night.  “If you go through with this, Uncle Sua is going to see your hoo-ha.” 

                The pubic region itself may have been left alone, but the design would go high up on her thigh almost to meet her most private area.  “Yeah, I suppose he will.  This is even if he agrees to do it.  I assume _malu_ goes that high too, and if so he’s probably seen plenty.”  Jasper made a mental note to do some personal grooming before getting her tattoo.  It occurred to her she may actually have to wax.  Would she have to wax it all off or just around her bikini line? 

                She remembered how waxing had hurt, but that would likely be a walk in the park compared to the tattooing process.  She was unsure of what it felt like with traditional instruments, but even with the modern electric gun, she recalled the searing pain that felt like a cat scratching her over and over.  Nonetheless, Uncle Sua had said she was one of the few people who had shown absolutely no sign of discomfort.  “Yeah…I’ve had worse…I can handle this.” 

*

                The next day, she went to her uncle’s shop shortly after they opened and he walked out as soon as he heard the bell over the door ding.  “Ah, Jasper.  You need me to add to your tattoo?” 

                “No, Uncle, I wanted to ask about getting a new one.”

                “You want a matching one on the other side?  Or are you finally going to get _malu_?”

                “I actually wanted to get a full _pe’a_.” 

                “That’s for men.”

                She figured he would say that.   “Yes, and traditionally, fighting in wars is also for men, but I’ve done that and I want to express on my body that I’m brave and strong.” 

                “I gave you a warrior tattoo.  That should suffice.” 

                “Most of the men my age who have them have nothing to back it up…” 

                “It isn’t about being a fighter; brave, yes, but one doesn’t have to be a warrior to get one.  One does, however, have to be a man, which for all your accomplishments, you are not.”

                Jasper placed her hands on her hips.  “Could you recommend someone who would?”

                Uncle Sua grunted and shook his head.  “No self-respecting _tufuga ta tatau_ would…” 

                “I’ll do it,” a young man’s voice said from behind the counter. 

                Jasper turned, having not even noticed his son, Adam, standing there.  Her father had said he was around twenty-four, but Jasper felt he looked a few years older than that – closer to thirty.  She knew he’d been apprenticing for his father for years and was an accomplished tattoo artist, but not a _tufuga_ – not a master…yet.  “Have you done one?” she asked, raising an eyebrow. 

                “I haven’t done a full design, but I’ve done partials and assisted on many full _pe’a_.”  He pulled a book out from a shelf behind the counter.  “My portfolio if you’d like to take a look.”

                Jasper flipped through the pages of photos showcasing the designs he’d etched on different people.  Some were traditional and others were more contemporary.  She was impressed by a floral design covering half of a woman’s chest…concealing a mastectomy scar. 

                “I was quite proud of that one and she loved it too,” Adam explained.  “As you can see from these pictures here, I’ve separately done pieces that would be incorporated into a full _pe’a_ , so you’d be a bit of a guinea pig, but I have years of experience and a steady hand.” 

                “And you’d be using modern equipment?” 

                “Absolutely.  It makes finer lines and it can be properly sterilized.”  He closed the portfolio.  “I’m not even sure the laws surrounding infection control would allow us to use traditional instruments.” 

                She wondered how they kept bone and wood tools sterile back in Samoa, but figured they must have their ways of making the process safe.  “Well, you have to start somewhere, right?” 

                Uncle Sua clicked his tongue disapprovingly.  “If you feel you have to do this, Adam – and if she can pay – then do so, but I’ll be overseeing the process.  I’m not going to have you mess it up and shame the family.”  He shook his head, looking to Jasper then at his son.  “Well, talk with her, find out what she wants and agree on a price.” 

                Adam chuckled as though amused while his father retreated to the back of the shop.  “He’s very traditional, but I’ve heard about you and your achievements and I’d be happy to do this for you.” 

                “Thank you.”  She stood at the counter and told him a bit about her life and her military career so he could get an idea of the design he wanted to do, though most designs were very similar to one another.

                “Now, usually a _pe’a_ is done in six sessions.  I’d recommend doing them on a Friday afternoon so you have two days before you have to go back to work and at least a week in between each session – but two is always better than one, so we can complete this in six weeks or twelve.  It’s a pretty intense tattoo to get.”

                “I’m tough – let’s go with weekly, but I can’t take time off work – can we do them early Saturday morning?” 

                “That’ll work.  Since it’ll be my first full _pe’a_ do you mind if I take photos for my portfolio.  Your privacy will be respected, of course, but it would be nice to be able to include it in my work.” 

                After recent events, the idea of having her photo taken wearing hardly anything wasn’t terribly appealing, but from what she’d seen earlier, they were to showcase his artwork and were tastefully done.  “That’s fine.” 

                They settled on a price, which was modest compared to what she was expecting – what his father would have charged – and she handed over her debit card to pay in full.  

                “I would invest in some loose clothes to wear while you’re healing because you’re not going to want to wear anything tight,” Adam explained as he gave her the receipt.  “You’ll want baggy pants and shirts or flowing dresses.  Get some antibacterial soap – natural stuff, unscented and either Aquaphor lotion or coconut oil to use afterwards.” 

                She remembered this from before, but supposed it was always good to be reminded. 

                “Is anyone coming with you for support?” 

                “I’m not sure – maybe my sister or my dad.”  Actually, her father had accompanied her to get the tattoo she already had and he seemed supportive of this.  “I’ll ask them.” 

                “I’d recommend your father.  I mean, Amethyst is a nice person and all, but during this process you’ll learn a lot about what it means to get _pe’a_ – both individually and as part of the community, as part of your heritage.  Your father can help by telling you stories and encouraging you to finish.” 

                And she would have to finish it.  To leave it undone, to quit in agony would mean shame and disgrace.  She knew what tattooing felt like.  However this one loomed before her like a massive journey that would change her forever.  That fear of the unknown settled in her mind just as it had when she’d been about to leave for boot camp.  She knew she’d come out of this not only physically changed, but emotionally and spiritually as well and despite all her fears, she was ready.

*

                “Uh…what are you doing?”  Amethyst asked hesitantly as Jasper stuck her head in her closet and began sliding hangers to the side. 

                “Raiding your wardrobe.  I don’t have anything sexy enough.” 

                “What about that red number?” 

                “Not the sexy I’m going for.”  Jasper, Amethyst and Garnet were going out for a night of dancing and fun.  She wanted to show off her body once more before getting her _pe’a_ and modesty would then require it to be mostly covered.  Amethyst had told her she didn’t understand getting a tattoo just to hide it from the world.  Jasper really didn’t understand much of the reasons why either, but she knew she’d hardly ever seen her parents’ tattoos.  Perhaps she’d ask her father about this before she got hers. 

                Jasper pulled out a black skirt that was likely knee-length on Amethyst but with almost a foot difference between them, would be practically a miniskirt on her.  She checked the size.  “Why do you have a twelve?  Aren’t you like a sixteen?” 

                “I…I thought maybe I’d fit into it…someday.” 

                Jasper fell somewhere between a size ten and twelve depending on the designer, so she got out of her jeans and slid the skirt on finding it a little loose, but she knew she had a belt somewhere that would help with that.  She smoothed out her favorite orange tank top – reserved for special occasions – over her flat stomach.  She smiled at her reflection in the mirror, realizing she still looked good after all these years.  Hours at the gym certainly had paid off.  “I mentioned to my friend Topaz that we were going, but I’m not sure if she’ll show up.  She’s kind of shy.”

                “Man, I’ll be the shortest one there.  Even Allie is taller than me now.”  Amethyst dug through her pile of heels obviously trying to find something that would give her some height.

                “Well, Allie’s not going,” Jasper said with a laugh.  They were fortunate enough that Tubaz had brought Crystal home that evening and had agreed to watch the girls while the sisters went out and had their fun. 

                Jasper checked her makeup in the mirror, smiling at her uncovered stripes and perfectly outlined eyes.  She put on a pair of black sandals and walked down the stairs.  It would be nice to be able to wear heels like Amethyst, but another few inches and she’d tower over everyone.

                Allie’s eyes immediately widened when she saw what Jasper was wearing.  “Mom!  That skirt is _not_ fingertip length.” 

                “And I’m not going to school,” Jasper quipped, taking a leather jacket from the closet and slipping into it. 

                “You look nice, Jameela,” Tubaz commented from where he sat on the couch with Crystal in his lap. 

                “Thanks and it’s Jasper.”  She ran a hand through her hair and shook it out.  It had been a long time since she’d gone out or dressed like this. 

                _He was talking to me,_ Jameela said as she stood in front of her own mirror in the va-va-voom dress, looking much sexier than Jasper felt. 

                _Oh, he was not._   Jasper looked down at her outfit and suddenly felt a bit ridiculous.  What was she trying to do?  Pass for twenty again?  Why did she seem so lost and wandering to find herself when Jameela had this womanhood thing down? 

                “Go upstairs and play while I talk to your aunt.”  Tubaz kissed Crystal on the cheek and sent her off.  “Amethyst tells me you just broke up with Alabaster Diamante.  Good for you; I never liked him.” 

                Jasper shooed Allie upstairs then sat on the other end of the couch, careful to sit as lady-like as possible.  “How do you know him?” 

                “Our firm’s financial legal team was hired by the Diamante Corporation – at least on this side of the country.  They’re really almost two different companies, but anyway, Abriq was telling me that Mr. Diamante is under investigation for tax evasion.” 

                Her eyebrow raised of its own accord.  “Go on…”

                “It would be unfortunate if someone were to get the very files we’re trying to keep from the IRS and send it to them…”

                “Yeah and if anyone found out, you’d be in big trouble.” 

                “They wouldn’t know because it’s extremely easy to hack the system.” 

                Jasper crossed her arms and leaned back.  “Why would you do this for me?” 

                “We are friends and the man is a jerk.” 

                ‘Friends’ may have been a stretch.  Honestly, looking back, yes, she’d said once they were friends but that was when she was a soldier manipulating an eighteen-year-old kid into helping her escape.  She would definitely be grateful for his help as long as she lived, but were they really still friends?  Or was he simply Amethyst’s baby daddy?  “Well, if you can do it without getting caught, I don’t see why not.”

                “He could be looking at jail time, but likely he’d just have to pay a lot of money.  Either way, he won’t be happy.” 

                “Well, if his bragging was any indication, he can fucking afford a big ass fine.  He deserves it after all the shit he pulled.”

                “I am not certain what he did.”

                Jasper rolled her eyes and huffed a sigh.  “He’s a racist asshole and he wanted me to wear this ridiculous costume that was entirely inappropriate.  Plus, he used me to cheat on his wife and I’m pretty sure he gave me chocolates laced with something.” 

                “He gave you drugs?” 

                She shrugged.  “I don’t think it was anything illegal.  I think they were chocolates from some sex store.  All I know is I was dead tired and not in the mood and after I ate it, I was wide awake and wanted him like crazy…” 

                “Still, giving you something and not telling you is illegal.” 

                “Well, there’s really no way to prove it.”

                Tubaz shook his head.  “Perhaps not, but there is a way I can help you strike back at him and now knowing this, I will do it.”

                 “Thank you – and be careful.”  Jasper looked over as Amethyst walked into the room wearing an extremely low cut purple dress that hardly covered her rear.  Gold hoops dangled from her ears and she confidently stood on those ridiculous heels. 

                “Amy, you look…nice,” Tubaz said, using the name Amethyst had given him when they first met. 

                Her sister gave him a smile as though the nickname was something he only called her, like  a special secret just between them.  “You keep looking at what you missed out on there.”  She winked at him.  “Anyway, Crystal’s your kid too, so you know what to do.  Jasper just lets Allie run wild.” 

                “I do not,” Jasper protested.  “It’s not a school night so her bedtime is ten, but I’m not too strict on her if she’s reading in her room after that – she’s usually asleep by eleven.  Not too much junk food.  Otherwise, she’s a good kid so she’ll mostly keep to herself or play a game like Candyland with Crystal.”

                “One of us will be home before two,” Amethyst told him. 

                “Um, we will both be home before two,” Jasper corrected.

                “Jasper will be home before two.  I might meet someone.”  Amethyst started for the door.  “Feel free to sleep in my bed if you want.”

                “And once again we will both be home tonight.  The couch is comfortable and there are pillows and blankets in that chest over there.” 

                Tubaz laughed and shook his head.  “You two have a good time.”

                They took a cab to the club so both of them could drink without worrying who was driving them home.  As they got out and stood in front of the brick building, a nostalgic feeling came over Jasper.  She knew this club; she’d gone here many times nearly two decades ago.  The name was different and as they entered, she noticed the inside had been completely redone, but it was definitely the same place. 

Garnet was already inside wearing jeans with a red, pink and black top and it took Jasper a moment to realize the colors formed a star motif on the side.  Though already tall, she’d opted for red heels that made her hover an inch over Jasper.  She sipped her drink.  “Wow, you look dangerous.” 

                “It’s the jacket.”  Jasper wasn’t sure why she wore it, but it was already warm indoors, so she took it off and hung it on a coat rack provided. 

                “How long have you had that tank top, sis?”  Amethyst asked. 

                “Long enough that it’s vintage, which means it’s now cool.”  She shared a laugh with Garnet before ordering a drink.  “I’ve probably had it – wow – close to twenty years now.”  She ran her fingers along the beaded design on the neckline, which plunged down to show off just enough cleavage to be seductive, but not slutty.  “We’ve been through a lot together.”

Amethyst was already out on the dance floor and Jasper cringed when she saw how her sister was dancing.  “If I dropped it that low, I’m not sure it would get back up again…”

                  Garnet chuckled.  “Oh, please.  You’re young and fit.  Besides didn’t you say you took pole dancing?” 

                “That was for exercise.  Trust me, it’s not easy.  Plus, the only person I ever showed that off to was my husband.”                

                “I’ll put a ring on it if I get to see that show,” a familiar voice said. 

                “Fuck off, Tani!”  Why was he here?  Probably trying to get laid.  Jasper took a sip of her drink.  _Do not get drunk,_ she told herself.  _And do not go home with Tani._  

                _Hey, he was not that bad in bed_ , Jameela reminded her. 

                She couldn’t argue with that.  Granted, Jameela had been in control but she could tell that he had to be in her top five best sex partners, aside from the porno talk.  Too bad he was an idiotic pig because he definitely wasn’t bad-looking.  Actually, he was kind of hot…  _Back it up, Jasper; that’s the alcohol talking._

                Actually, it couldn’t be because it took far more than a few sips of a mixed drink to get her even tipsy.  From across the room, she saw Topaz enter looking very unsure of herself, but classy in a black sleeveless dress.  Jasper waved her over and introduced her to Garnet.   Her co-worker smiled and complimented Topaz’s necklace.  It was the same one she’d worn when she and Jasper had gone out. 

                Topaz blushed and smiled a little.  “Thank you.  I like your earrings.” 

                Garnet laughed lightly and touched the ruby drop earrings she wore.  “So, would you want to…” 

                “I’m not very good at it,” Topaz said with that twinge of uncertainty as she looked at the dance floor. 

                “That’s okay.  I’ll teach you.”  Garnet took her hand and lead her out into the crowd. 

                Jasper hadn’t actually considered this outcome.  She recalled Garnet once saying she didn’t like labels but she would date anyone if she found them attractive and interesting.  Apparently, to her, Topaz was both of those things.  Jasper hoped something would come of it.  Both of them deserved happiness in their lives. 

                An unwelcome arm wrapped around her shoulders.  “You wanna get out there with me?” 

                She wiggled away from Tani.  “No thank you and what are you even doing here?” 

                “Hey, I like to go out and bust a move sometimes.” 

                Jasper finished her drink in one gulp and set down the glass.  She took a deep breath as the warmth settled in her stomach.  “Don’t you have to have moves first?”

                “I like yours.  You know, when I’ve seen you dance the _taualuga_ …”

                “I haven’t done that at any events for a while.”

                He placed a hand on her back and moved it downwards.  “I wouldn’t mind seeing that hot body in action again.”  Tani smacked her rear.

                Jasper grabbed his wrist and twisted his arm behind his back holding on tightly.  “Touch my ass again and I’ll break your hand, got it?!”

                “Ow, ow!  Okay!” 

                She let go, sauntered up to the bar, and plunked down money for a double shot of whiskey, which she downed immediately.  She ran her fingers along the wooden bar top and remembered when it was run down and covered in random stickers.  She recalled back when the stools were red and the vinyl cracked instead of the sleek mahogany chairs they had now. 

_Some...say I have no direction, that I'm a light-speed distraction, that's a knee-jerk reaction._

                Her mind pulled that song from years ago to the forefront of her mind.  She’d been in this very club, in fact, wearing the same tank top.  She ordered a drink of water to chug as the rest of the song ran through her head before getting a fruity mixed concoction. 

 _I'll fly like a comet_  
Soar like a comet  
Crash like a comet  
I'm just a comet

                After so many years, why did that one night stick out in her mind?  She supposed the mind was funny that way.  Jasper plunked the drink down at the table where Garnet and Topaz were sitting together talking.  Whatever Topaz had said clearly struck a chord with Garnet who tipped her head back and gave a hearty laugh.  Deciding they deserved some uninterrupted time to get to know each other, Jasper headed into the crowd near Amethyst and began moving to the music.  Three songs in, however, a man grabbed her hips and began grinding against her.  She growled deep in her throat; couldn’t she have one night out where some idiot didn’t try to paw at her?  Turning around, she pushed him away.  “Back the fuck off!  This is not a free ride!”

                “Well, how much does it cost, baby?”  He grinned and winked. 

                Jasper’s lip lifted in disgust.  “If there were a price, believe me, you couldn’t afford it.”

                “I’ll dance with you,” Amethyst offered. 

                The man’s eyes scanned her up and down.  “Eh…no thanks.”  And with that, he walked away.

                “Ames, you can do better.” 

                “Not really…you’re so lucky.” 

                “Lucky?” 

                Amethyst motioned for her to follow her into the bathroom where the music only dully penetrated through the door.  “Jasps, this is why I don’t go out with you a lot.  You’re lucky because you get all the attention.” 

                She scoffed. “Yeah, because I love men trying to feel me up and making crude comments all the time.” 

                “At least you get that.  Man, just once I’d like to walk down the street and have someone whistle at me.”  Amethyst sighed heavily.  “Sorry, not sorry if that sets us back fifty years, but I’d take it as a compliment.”

                “Trust me, it gets old very quickly.” 

                “I’d like to find that out for myself.  I mean, online it’s easy to find guys, but in real life, they take one look at me and all they see is some fat chick.” 

                Jasper rolled her eyes.  “Amethyst, you’re very pretty and if a guy can’t see that, he’s not worth it.” 

                “Yeah, I know, inner beauty is what counts,” Amethyst spat out bitterly.  She put one hand on the sink to steady herself as she was swaying gently from side to side.  “Except it’s not because you’re the one who men can’t control themselves around.” 

                She placed her hands on her hips and nodded slowly.  “Yeah…and each time one of them crosses a line I have to worry about one not taking ‘no’ for an answer again.” 

                Her sister threw her hands up in the air.  “Oh my God, Jasps – can you ever just get over it?!  Let’s bring up one more time how wounded you are, because no one can have a worst past than you!” 

                “Ames, you’re drunk, just stop.”  Jasper tried keeping her voice level, but her sister was entering some dangerous territory. 

                “Let’s just throw it in my face again that you’re the hot sister who got some even when she didn’t want it!” 

                The stinging in her hand alerted her to the fact that she’d just slapped Amethyst across the face – hard.  “YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT WAS LIKE!”

                Amethyst put her hand to her cheek as though that slap had sobered her up quickly.  “Jasps…I didn’t…I mean…” 

                “I can’t be around you right now.”  Jasper pushed the door open roughly and stormed out of the bathroom, then out of the club.  She put a hand to her pocket to make sure she still had her coin purse containing her ID and money and then to the other confirming she had her phone.  The chill settling on her skin made her realize she’d left her jacket behind.  She sighed and decided she really didn’t feel like going back in to grab it.  She’d come back and raid their lost and found tomorrow.  If she headed down the street a bit, she should be able to find a cab quickly. 

                Jasper briskly walked away from the club, from the music and the lights, but couldn’t escape the sound of her sister’s voice actually saying those things.  She never got why it was a ‘fantasy’ for some women or why there was porn of it.  Those experiences were some of the most frightening things she’d ever had happen to her.  It had been humiliating and painful and there was definitely a part of her that wished she could just ‘get over it’.  There was no such thing.  There was ‘letting go’ and ‘moving on’ but recovery was a process and ‘getting over it’ just didn’t happen. 

                Someone on the road honked and she kept her gaze straight ahead lacking the energy to deal with another jackass who liked the way she looked and wanted to try something.  She was aware of the vehicle slowing down and then a familiar voice called out: “Jasper?  Is that you?” 

                Jasper turned and found herself staring at a white van with ‘Mr. Universe’ printed on the side and Greg smiling at her from the driver’s seat.  “Oh, hi.” 

                “Do you need a lift?”  Greg asked.  “It’s kind of cold out.” 

                She was close to five miles from home and her skin was covered in goosebumps.  Greg was trustworthy and she definitely wouldn’t mind his company.  She got inside the van and shivered though the heat was starting to seep into her body.  “I appreciate this.” 

                He reached behind him and pulled an aviator jacket out from behind his seat.  “This belonged to my cousin Andy, so it might fit because he’s a little bigger.  Not that you’re big, just that it might be a little loose and it should keep you warm.” 

                Jasper slipped into it thankful for the warm lining.  “Thank you.” 

                Greg eased the van back onto the road.  “I um…I thought we may have met before.  I was right – you were the girl in the orange shirt.  I can’t believe you still have that – it’s been what, seventeen or eighteen years?”

                That song had come back to her…just like comets came back to the star they orbited…like Greg had come back to her.  They had somehow found their orbits crossing again and as they drove, their conversation turned back to both their memories of that night so long ago. 

 

 


	15. Quiet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get ready for some angst and NSFW.

** Chapter 14 - Quiet  **

**_Seventeen Years Ago_ **

                Jasper looked at her reflection in the bathroom mirror.  There was a crack running the length of it right across her face as though the glass knew how broken she was.  Music from the club dully penetrated through the door but even it could not drown out the chaos in her mind.  She soaked a paper towel in water and wiped her face, taking off the remains of the lipstick she’d carefully applied earlier at Lacy’s house.  Only half of it remained anyway – the other half was smeared on the dick of the guy she just blew in the alley behind the club. 

                She hadn’t even gotten his name. 

                _Does that make you feel better_? her mind asked. 

                It really didn’t.  She wiped her chin removing the stickiness.  She’d told him she didn’t swallow, but never expected him to pull out and get it all over her.  Truthfully, she’d never done this before.  She’d had sex with the other soldiers overseas only because there was a lack of women and she had her own needs.  When they would approach her for oral, she’d laugh: “Everyone here has a mouth, buddy.”  And the implication that any one of these tough, macho men should be sucked off by another dude quickly shut them up.  Jasper had standards; she had rules.  She, and only she, was in charge of what she did with her body.  The other soldiers respected her and her rules.

                Until the night one didn’t.

                _I thought we agreed that was a dream,_ she told her mind.

                _Dreams don’t get you pregnant, dumbass._

                But she was back home now and she could leave all that half a world behind her and in the past where it belonged.  Right?

                It wasn’t that easy.  Nothing about war was easy.  The ‘dream’ had just been the cherry on top of her eighteen-month deployment.  Yet, for some reason she’d stayed in; they would send her back eventually.  Maybe next time she’d be lucky enough to come home draped in a flag like all her friends she’d never see again.  There really was no other option; she didn’t consider herself smart enough for college.  Besides, she was twenty-three and who went to college that late in life anyway? 

                The door opened, loud music assaulting her ears before it closed and she realized Lacy had walked in.  “Where have you been?” 

                “Nowhere special.”  Jasper cupped her hand under the faucet and rinsed her mouth out.  The water tasted nasty as though the pipes were rusty.  “I need a drink.” 

                That was probably the last thing she needed, but it was Saturday night and she didn’t have duty tomorrow, so why not drink until it silenced her troubled mind once and for all?  She ran her fingers through her long, dark brown hair streaked with gold, still able to feel the mystery man’s hands on the side of her head.  _You deserve to have cum shot in your face, you goddamn slut_ , she told herself.

                “Jasper, are you sure you’re okay?”  Lacy asked.

                “I’ll be fine.  I just want to drink until I can’t feel feelings.” 

                “Are you sure that’s wise?  You’ve been through a lot lately.”

                “Didn’t you ever want to get shitfaced when you got back?”

                Lacy surveyed her scarred face in the mirror.  It was hard to tell one of her eyes was glass and the pants she wore covered her prosthetic leg.  “Trust me, I did, but they wouldn’t let me have it in the hospital and by the time I got out, therapy had helped me a lot more than a stiff drink ever would.  I think maybe you should consider that instead.”

                “I think I’d rather consider a glass of whiskey in my hand.”  She stepped out into the noisy club, Lacy following behind and sauntered up to the bar ordering a double shot of whiskey. 

                “Chaser?” the bartender asked.

                “No.”

                She accepted the drink and downed half of it in one gulp, hardly feeling the burn.  Turning her attention to the stage, she focused on the lead singer of the band performing that night.  He was kind of cute in his own way, though his hair was longer than hers.  He wore jeans and a black shirt with a star on it, though she doubted his music would ever launch him to star status.

_But the moment that I hit the stage, thousands of voices are calling my name…_

                Jasper gazed around the club at the maybe fifty people who had come to see him that night.  Although this was not the most popular club in town, Jasper and Lacy liked it because the bartender made strong drinks, there was room to dance, and they could usually hear themselves talk.  Truthfully, though, she’d love to just listen to music that left her ears ringing because maybe it would silence the constant chaos in her head.  

_This life I chose isn't easy but sure is one heck of a ride_

                _You and me both, dude_ , Jasper thought, swallowing the rest of her drink.  However, if she was actually going to get drunk and hook up tonight, at least he was a good prospect.

*

                Greg looked out on the people in the club who he hoped were enjoying his music.  Why had Marty booked this place?  And why was he singing with a band?  Greg Universe was a solo act.  Oh well, it was a gig anyway.  It was money and free drinks and at least these two girls seemed to be enjoying his music as they danced in front of the stage.  They were both tall, fit, toned, but his eyes were on the one with long, dark hair in the orange tank top and denim skirt that showed off her lengthy legs.  She gave Greg a smile when she turned her attention his way and winked. 

                When they were between sets, he decided to go to the bar and get one of the free drinks promised to him.  The bartender complimented him on his music and then asked the person next to him what she wanted.  Greg looked over and saw the girl in the orange tank top.  Okay, she wasn’t a ‘girl’ – clearly, she was all woman and about two or three inches taller than he was.  Her voice was huskier than he’d imagined as she ordered a double shot of whiskey, but it suited her well. 

                She turned to him.  “Hey, I like your music.”

                “Thanks.” 

                She downed her drink in one gulp.  “So, this might seem incredibly forward, but do you want to find someplace a little more private?”

                Greg raised an eyebrow.  “What?  I don’t even know your name!”

                “It’s Jasper.” 

                “Greg.”  He shook her hand.  Her eyes were mesmerizing and he was trying to figure out if they were more gold or brown.  There was a depth to them, a sadness as if she’d seen too much, been through too much even though they had to be around the same age. 

                “So…about that offer I made…”

                “Yeah, about that...I don’t get paid until tomorrow after the gig…”

                She rolled her eyes.  “I’m not a prostitute; I’m just looking for a fun time.” 

                Greg grinned; it was finally happening.  Women loved musicians and this was finally his chance.  He chugged his drink and took her hand.  “There should be a couple places backstage.”

                They made their way through the door to the area behind the stage.  Greg took her to a spot where they would be somewhat obscured by boxes and amps and he immediately tried to kiss her, but she put a hand up.  “Sorry, I don’t allow that.  I like to get right to it.” 

                Greg grinned as he felt her hands undoing his pants and sliding his cock out, softly rubbing it, causing it to stiffen and grow.  Her skin was a bit rough hinting that whatever she did for work wasn’t easy, but the coarseness of her palm actually felt good as she gently caressed his tip, her fingers working the underside of his shaft.  Should he be offering to touch her?  Greg reached out for her breast, but she pushed his hand away.  She wasn’t looking at him; her gaze was slightly off.  For a moment, he wondered what she was hiding behind those eyes; he wondered if she really wanted to do this.  However, those thoughts were pushed out of his head when she cupped his balls, gently massaging them causing a moan to escape him.  “Oh God…yes…”

                She apparently wanted this to be quick and dirty – no strings attached.  He was okay with this as she shifted positions, grinding against him and covering his member with her slickness.  He grabbed her hips and she didn’t protest.  Instead, she let him guide her until she slowly enveloped his cock within her wet walls.  He hadn’t even noticed her taking off her panties…if she was wearing any.  That thought made him harder.  Greg ran his hands along the marbled skin of her thighs and up to her ass.  She apparently wasn’t.  She had intended to come out tonight to hook up.  _What a minx_ , he thought, grinning as she skillfully moved up and down, riding him.  She put a hand on the wall behind them to steady herself and breathed heavily as her speed increased and Greg moved against her in sync.  He normally liked being on top and part of him wanted to flip her over and pound into her.  However, the sight of her ample breasts bouncing under that tank top as she moved was quite a sight and he bit his lip as he felt a need building inside him.  Her pussy clenched around him sending him over the edge.  His fingers dug into her flesh as he shot into her, trembling for only a few seconds with bliss before it was over. 

                She stopped as if sensing his completion.  Her eyes were still averted.  “You’re done?”

                Damn it, he’d been too quick.  “I’m sure I could go again…”

                Jasper stood and moved away from the boxes and amps.  She ran her fingers through her hair.  “It’s okay.” 

                “But…”

                “Greg, there you are!”  Marty marched up to them and quickly turned his attention to the wall when he saw Greg’s pants open.  “Damn it, Universe!  Zip up and get back on stage!”

                He quickly righted his pants and turned to thank Jasper or maybe even get her number, but she had quietly slipped away.  It was probably for the best.  He was leaving tomorrow anyway for Beach City and who knew where beyond that. 

*

                She was fucked up in the head.  She knew it.  Why had she done that? 

                _Did it make you feel any better, Jasper?_

                There was a time when sex was fun.  She’d give anything for it to feel fun again…to feel like a normal thing she should be doing…should be enjoying.  Once again in the cruddy bathroom, locked in a stall, she tried her best to wipe away the sticky shame leaking out of her. 

                _You didn’t even use protection.   You dirty whore_.

                Whores got paid.   She was giving it out for free…to anyone who would have her...waiting for the day when it brought her any kind of joy again.  It could be physically pleasing in the moment, temporarily silencing her mind.  The thoughts returned though when she’d finished with Greg and looked up to see the man she’d been with in the alley not two hours ago. 

                _You have to face them again…those people at the clinic…_

                God, she was going to have to go get Plan B.  She could already feel their judgment on her.  The same nurses and doctors who had seemed so concerned, who had helped her through one of the worst procedures she’d ever been through.  Guilt still consumed her.  She imagined walking in there on Monday, asking for a prescription so she could stop it before she ever had to do that again.  She imagined the look the doctor would give her as if to say: aren’t you the slut who just had an abortion?

                _It was a dream!  It was a dream!_

                _You don’t feel dreams, idiot._

                Rage built in her as that night bubbled to the forefront of her mind and she covered her eyes with her hands.  _No, I don’t want to remember that!_

                She would rather remember every bit of fighting she’d done over the past eighteen months than the details of that one night.  However, he’d still be there, telling the troops when to shoot, when to move…he’d been instrumental in teaching her how to use a grenade launcher.  There was a time the enemy had him in their sights and thinking quickly, she’d fired her rifle killing the terrorist.  She was supposed to be his fellow soldier, to be treated with respect.  As her sergeant, he was supposed to encourage her and have her back.  She was supposed to be his sister-in-arms.  For one night, she’d been nothing to him but a conquest. 

                She punched the stall door – denting it and breaking the lock.  Standing at the sink, she couldn’t even look at herself in the mirror.  She wanted to scream, to punch something else...

                _Trash_ , her mind spat at her.  _Whore!_

                Jasper put her hands on the sides of her head.  “Shut up!”

                _Filthy garbage!_

                Her rage building, she needed to silence this.  She couldn’t take it anymore.  “I am not trash!”  

                _Dishing it out…isn’t that what he said…how many have there been?   Look at yourself, you worthless slut!_

                Jasper’s knuckles turned white as she gripped the edge of the sink.  “I am not…” 

                She caught her own eye in the mirror before drawing her fist back and punching it, sending cracks spreading across the glass, feeling the hot pain of sharpness digging into her flesh.  There, now her reflection was as broken as she felt inside.  She fished out the pieces of glass and tossed them in the sink before walking out, not caring that she was bleeding.  It made her feel alive…at least she was feeling something besides her inner torment.  Jasper slapped a twenty on the bar counter.  “Double whiskey.”

                “Are you sure?” the bartender asked.  “You’ve had three and no water.”

                “I’m good.  I’m not driving.” 

                “Alright, but I’m cutting you off after this one.” 

                Crap, she’d have to get Lacy to buy her more booze.  She thought perhaps she should nurse this drink, make it last…but instead she swallowed it in a few gulps before slamming the glass back down on the counter.  She was so gone, the burn didn’t even register.  Jasper found her friend on the dance floor and began moving to the music. 

                “Jasper!”

                “What?” 

                “What happened to your hand?” 

                “Huh?”  She held up her hand, seeing it dripping red, blurring before her eyes and hardly remembered anymore how it happened.  The booze was doing its job, quieting down her mind, though she doubted anything could silence it completely. 

                Lacy shook her head as though appalled and grabbed Jasper’s uninjured hand, leading her into the bathroom.  “What the hell?” 

                Jasper looked around, noticing the stall lock on the floor and the broken mirror with smears of blood still on it.  Her legs felt wobbly and her hands tingly almost to the point of being numb. 

                “I can’t believe this,” Lacy muttered, wetting a paper towel and wiping the blood from Jasper’s hand.  “This is getting out of control.” 

                “I…justcan…Mtrash…”  Great, she was having trouble even communicating.  Jasper swallowed a few times.  “Where are we?” 

                “In the bathroom where you just injured yourself having a tantrum.” 

                “Wasn’ta…tantrum…mind…”

                Lacy took a deep breath and sighed heavily, holding the wet paper over a cut that wouldn’t stop bleeding.  “Look, Jasper, you’ve been through a lot, I know and I’m sympathetic to that, but your behavior is destructive and I can’t enable it anymore.” 

                “What?” 

                “You need therapy, not drinking every weekend until you’re shitfaced, not sleeping around with random guys, not punching mirrors and stupid shit like that.”  Lacy threw the paper towel away.  “You’re my best friend and I’ve been over there and I know what it’s like…”

                “Guns in my head…bombs…won’tshutup…”  Jasper put a hand to her forehead, raking it through her hair, stopping to clench it between her fingers tightly.

                “I know.  It was like that for me too, but you need counseling, not booze, not sex…especially not after what happened to you.” 

                Lacy was the only person who knew.  “Wanna forget…”

                “Well, that’s not going to happen.” 

                She looked around, her face feeling fuzzy, the tiles spinning on the walls.  “We’re in the bathroom…”

                “How far gone are you?”  Her friend took a cell phone from her purse.  “I’m calling us a cab.  You can’t show up at the barracks like that so stay at my place.” 

                “Need more drink.”

                “No, that is the _last_ thing you need.” 

                “Please…one more.”

                “No.” 

                “Fine, you know what…fuck you!”  Jasper stood up, struggling to stand as she staggered backwards.  “I’m gonna back out.”

                “Jasper!” 

                “Don’t follow me.” 

                Lacy gave an exasperated sound.  “Fine, but I’m done watching you destroy yourself.”  She shoved a twenty into Jasper’s hand.  “Get to your parents safely and explain to them why you’re so trashed.”

                “I am not trash!” 

                “I didn’t say…”

                “I’m not!  You’re a bitch!”  Jasper threw the money back at her and stormed off, kicking open the back door and stumbling out into the alley behind the club. 

The man from before – Morty or something – was back there taking a leak.  He looked her up and down.  “You back for more?”

“Leave me alone.” 

He chuckled, zipping up his pants and heading back into the club.  Jasper wasn’t exactly sure what she should do, but if she headed to the street, she should be able to find a taxi.  _Walking_ , she thought, _okay…I can do this._  

Two wobbly steps was all she managed before her foot hit something and she stumbled, hitting her head on the side of a trash can with a metallic clang and felt herself fall onto something soft before the world went dark.

*

                Greg entered the alley, exhausted, but still reeling with excitement.  What a night!  A moan caught his attention as he put his guitar back in the van, which they’d let him park back there.  Something stirred and he saw a familiar orange tank top.  It was the woman from earlier.  What on earth was she doing back here laying on trash bags?  Greg hurried over and knelt down, shaking her.  “Ma’am, are you okay?” 

                Her eyes fluttered open, focusing on him.  “Huh?” 

                “Are you okay?”  He saw a bruise on her forehead and multiple cuts on her hand.  “Do you need help?” 

                “Heh…ended up where I belong…”  She accepted his hand and stood, finding herself with much more balance.  “Thanks buddy…I mean…Greg, right?”

                He nodded.  “And your name is Jasper?” 

                “You remembered?”  She asked.  “Wow…most men just fuck and leave…”

                “Well, I’m not most men.  Do you want to step into my van and clean up a little, or rest?” 

                “Your van?”

                “That’s where I live.  It’s not much, but it’s home.” 

                Home…she didn’t really have one of those anymore.  Well, her parents had a house but she couldn’t show up at…blurry-eyed she checked her phone…almost two AM only to wake up Sunday morning with a roaring hangover.  She could almost hear her mother now: “What kind of example are you setting for your sister?”  Jasper looked at the van and decided that was a better option than trying to get a cab.  “Yeah, okay.” 

                They crawled in the back and Jasper sat on the mattress and unstrapped her sandals.  “You sure it’s cool if I crash here?” 

                “I wouldn’t have offered if it wasn’t.”  Greg took a seat next to her.

                Of course.  That made sense.  Why hadn’t she thought of that?  “Sorry, I’m still a little…tipsy.”

                “What happened to you tonight?  Your hand and your head.”  Greg gingerly touched the bruise on her forehead with his fingers. 

                “It’s a long story.  I got mad at my friend and yelled at her…I don’t even remember what it was about…I don’t know why the fuck I do this to myself.”

                “What?” 

                “This!  Just…getting drunk and getting laid…and it doesn’t help…”  Jasper lay down, resting her hands on her stomach.  “It just makes me feel worse in the end.  Like I’m worthless…like I’m nothing…”

                “Now, that can’t be true.  I mean, everyone is someone.  Look at you, you’re strong…you could be like a cop or a firem…fire fighter…or something.  You’re not nothing.”  He waited for her to respond, but all he could hear was deep, rhythmic breathing.  Looking behind him, Greg saw she had turned on her side and fallen asleep.  He felt concern fill his mind.  What had driven her to this?  Who even was she?  All he had to go on was a first name and that didn’t tell him much.  Thankfully, he had found her instead of someone who meant to harm her.  With those muscles, though, he wondered who would even try.  Something was sticking out of her pocket and he slowly pulled it out as not to wake her.  It was a round, black coin purse made of leather with a pink and purple flower on it, big enough for both coins and bills, for an ID maybe…

                Though he felt guilty about doing so, he zipped it open and extracted two ID cards.  One was a driver’s license and the other was a military ID, and though not everything made sense to him, it appeared she was still active duty.  She was a solider?  This mess of a woman was a soldier in the army?  Now the pieces were fitting as he recalled reports about how brutal the war was over there.  She was clearly trying to forget, but in doing so, she was going down a dangerous path.  Had she considered when she signed up – when she agreed to give her life for her country – she could also be signing away her sanity?  

                Greg sighed, put the ID cards back and zipped up the coin purse, placing it on top of the phone she’d put on the empty wooden crate he used for a chair sometimes.  He grabbed a blanket and covered her.  It wasn’t much – she needed help far beyond what he could provide – but tonight at least, he could give her a safe place to sleep.  He hoped she’d find some solace in her dreams. 

                That lasted about thirty seconds before a car started on the street and backfired with a very loud POP!  Jasper sat straight up, shouting:  “…under attack!”  Her breathing was heavy as she looked around seemingly bewildered. 

                “Jasper, you’re fine…you’re okay.”  Greg gently placed a hand on her shoulder.  “It was a dream.” 

                “It won’t leave me alone…every day…every night…in my dreams…” 

                “The war?” 

She didn’t even question how he knew.  She’d probably told him when she was wasted.  She was feeling much more sober now, though her mouth was dry.  As if sensing this, he handed her a bottle of water.  “Thanks,” she said before chugging it.  “Yeah…the goddamn war.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” 

Jasper really didn’t.  What good was there in talking?  She wanted to forget…to distract herself so she didn’t have to think about it. “No, I just want it to stop…I want the constant noise in my head to stop.  I just want to do something to shut it up…to think about anything else.  That’s why I go out and do this shit.” 

                Greg put his arm around her as the blanket slid down.  He could see her cleavage and tried not to stare.  “You mean like earlier?  Sorry I finished so fast.”

                “Whatever – not the first time.” 

                “Look, I don’t know exactly how to help you.” 

                Jasper gave a laugh that threatened to turn into a sob.  “I probably need a straightjacket and a padded room.”

                “I don’t think you’re that far gone…but I do think you need more help than I can give tonight.”  He ran his fingers over the goosebumps on her arm.  “Cold?”

                “I’m okay.” 

                “Because I have another…”

                “I’m fine,” she insisted.  “Don’t waste your time on a piece of trash like me.” 

                ‘ _Ended up where I belong’_ he remembered her saying.  Whatever had happened over there in the war…whatever she was dealing with…her confidence and self-worth were clearly at rock bottom.  “You are not trash.  You’re a person who deserves to be loved and who deserves to love herself.”

                “It’s been a long time since anyone has treated me with any kind of love.  I’m just good for a quick fuck and that’s it.  Then they toss me to the side the same way they would a broken toy.”

                “That’s not what I did, is it?” 

                “No, you came too fast and then that guy showed up and I ran off like a coward.”

                Greg slid his hand to her lower back.  “Can I…make that up to you?  I promise I won’t just do it and toss you aside.” 

                “Whatever, sure.” 

                “Jasper, if we’re going to do this, I need a yes or no.  I’m not going to make you do anything you don’t want.”  He shifted position and put his hand to her cheek, turning her head until their eyes met.  “I’m not just going to fuck you and tell you to get out, nor am I going to let you run off.  I’m going to make love to…”

                “Don’t call it that,” she scoffed.  “We’re not in love.”

                He nodded, reaching down and squeezing her hand.  “I want to have sex with you, slowly and gently so it’s nice for you too.  Is that okay?”

                Jasper had gone too long without the joys of that kind of sex – the kind where she abandoned all her inhibitions and allowed anything and everything…the kind where she trusted completely.  It might feel good and distract her for a little while.  “Yes.”

                Greg’s lips grazed hers softly.  She didn’t give her kisses to just anyone and she was about to push him away and go through her list of rules.  _Trust_ …her mind told her.  It was the first sound advice she’d given herself all evening.  Slowly, she gave in, parting her lips, feeling his tongue edging its way into her mouth and hers responding in turn…playing, teasing, encouraging.  His arms slipped around her and Jasper pulled him close, savoring the feeling of his hands, warm and comforting, on her back.  How long had it been since anyone held her? 

                He broke the kiss, his mouth traveling to her cheek, her jawline, slowly down her neck, causing a tingling in her spine that quickly traveled other places.  Jasper’s fingers clenched Greg’s shirt as she gasped, feeling the sharpness of his teeth nibbling her skin.  His hands pulled at her shirt, skillfully finding their way inside and unhooking her bra.  She sighed, feeling the confining garment releasing its hold on her.  She ached for the sensation of his skin on hers after forbidding so many men from having full pleasure with her. 

                Greg swung his leg around so he was straddling hers and sat back, putting a hand to her cheek.  In the dim light, he allowed his fingers to travel down the side of her face, his thumb tracing the outline of her full lips before he leaned in and kissed her again.  She may not have been a contemporary beauty, but there was something mesmerizing about her.  Perhaps it was the contrast of her skin like moonbeams shining between trees to penetrate a dark forest.  Her eyes were the perfect color of tree sap that had petrified into precious amber.  Greg allowed his fingers to run through the fullness of her hair before he pulled back again and slid off her shirt and bra in one smooth motion.

                She leaned back on her elbows and he felt himself grow hard at the sight of her…there was definitely something beautiful about her strength…her muscles flexing and rippling under her skin.  Greg slid his hands up the flat planes of her stomach and wondered what she would think when he took his shirt off.  There was not much there; not that he had a significant gut or anything, but his physique definitely couldn’t compare to those toned biceps and her six pack.  He allowed his hands to follow the curve of her body as they glided down her sides to settle on her ample hips.  Greg knew she wasn’t wearing panties and he could have just pushed her skirt up, but instead, he popped open the button at the top and slowly pulled the zipper open so he could slide them down her legs and toss them on top of her other clothes. 

                Jasper felt her cheeks flush.  She should have worn underwear…even a thong would have been classier than nothing.  “I’m sorry…I’m kind of a…slut…”

                Greg pressed his fingers gently to her cheek again.  “No talk like that…not tonight.” 

                His lips explored her neck and she leaned her head back to give him better access as she drew in a breath.  Electricity crackled from the places he was touching and she completely lay back, relaxing under him.  _I am safe_ , she reminded herself.  _He’s not going to hurt me_.   Her fingers caught the fabric of his shirt again and she tugged it off.  He pulled back, quickly discarding the rest of his clothes and pressed himself close to her, kissing her softly.  She melted into him, giving into the kisses…savoring the tingling in her skin as his hands explored her body.  Her fingers trailed down his back, across his soft hair and she gasped, arching her back as he slid into her. 

                Her eyes fell on his guitar propped up against the van wall.  This act was a grand thing that ensnared the senses…a symphony…as instruments began to play delicate notes that left the listener wondering exactly where this was going and how it would end.  It conjured up all thoughts of love and beauty.  The music began to build and swell toward something they both knew was exciting and wonderful, and on another level, deliciously terrifying.  Fingers played faster sending frenzied notes into the air.  Finally, the symphony exploded with a crescendo encompassing every kind of ecstasy and joy and unbridled passion known to man.  Then just as soon as that seemed like the end of this musical journey, a few small notes, the last bits of pleasure and love floated up into the air hovering there for a moment or two before dissipating and leaving two people laying close to each other, trembling fingers intertwined, still reeling at this intense, intimate joining of their bodies and souls.

                Fear entered her for a moment, but was quickly swept away as he kissed her forehead.  They were still breathing heavily and she leaned her head back and heaved a pleased sigh, moaning slightly.  Her heart thudded in her chest and she was overwhelmed with the realization that this was what she’d wanted sex to be all along.  Not just fun and enjoyable – but something that brought two people together and connected them.  Jasper reflected on how she’d been living her life the past few weeks and on how hurt she was.  Alcohol and random sex was not going to fix this ache inside her…it wouldn’t fix anything, but only make her feel more empty. 

                She knew tomorrow they would part ways and she’d probably never see him again, but tonight he’d given her tenderness she’d needed.  He’d made her feel wanted and beautiful and deserving of love…of help.  Tomorrow, she’d go to Lacy, apologize and ask her assistance in getting therapy to finally move on from her trauma.  However, in that moment, as Greg held her and exhaustion crept into her bones, she realized that at least for now…at least for tonight…her mind was finally quiet.

*

**_Present Day_ **

                “I never imagined that was the last thing you needed at the time,” Greg said.  “If you had told me about the rape, I never would have…”

                Jasper watched as steam rose from her mug of coffee.  They sat in his kitchen, where they’d been for hours discussing the past and what that night had meant.  “No, it was exactly what I needed.  I was…very lost.  I went through a lot of therapy and was able to let go of the past so I could focus on my future.  I hate to think what might have happened if I’d never met you.”  She laughed lightly.  “I probably would have done something stupid, gotten kicked out of the Army…never met my husband or had my daughter…” 

                “I’m glad you found happiness in your life.” 

                “And you?”

                “I met Rose in Beach City and we got married when we realized we were expecting Steven.  Three months after he was born, I lost her in car accident.”  He gave a small smile.  “I suppose life is full of these ups and downs.  I try my hardest to live for the good times.” 

                Jasper was unsure of how to respond when she heard someone yawning behind her.  She turned to see a short boy with unruly black curls standing in the entryway.  He almost looked too young to be fourteen, but there was no mistaking Greg’s son.

“Stu-ball?  What are you doing up so late?”

                Steven gave a sleepy laugh.  “Dad, what are you doing up so early?” 

                It was only then both Jasper and Greg noticed the kitchen was bathed in the orange tones of the sunrise and realized they’d talked the night away.  Greg motioned for Steven to come closer.  “This is my friend, Jasper.  I think I’ve mentioned her a time or two.” 

                “Oh yeah, the personal trainer.”  More awake now, his son flashed a bright smile.  “It’s nice to meet you.  I’m Steven.” 

                “Your dad talks a lot about you.  All good things,” she added with a laugh. 

                “He talks about you too and how he’s losing weight.”  Steven leaned in and whispered.  “But he still really likes his ice cream.” 

                Jasper dropped her voice.  “I like ice cream too.” 

                “Are you staying for breakfast?” he asked.  “We have some frozen waffles.”

                It was tempting…well, actually, no – she hated frozen waffles.  Rather, the company was tempting.  However, Jasper knew she should get home and try to smooth things out with her sister.  “Maybe another day.  It’s been a long night and I probably should be heading out.” 

                “How will you get back?”  Greg asked. 

                “Taxi.” 

                “No.  I’ll take you.  Think you can hold down the fort, Stu-ball?” 

                Steven saluted dramatically.  “Aye-aye.” 

                Greg gave him a noogie messing up his hair even more – if possible – then grabbed his keys and headed out the door with Jasper. 


	16. Marked

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really should be working on cosplay, but have another chapter! LOL

** Chapter 15 - Marked **

                Under any other circumstance, Jasper may have invited Greg into the house, but now was not the time as she stepped through the front door and was immediately confronted by her sister. 

                “Where have you been?!  I was up half the night freaking out!”  There were dark circles under her eyes and she’d discarded her evening clothes for a pair of taco boxer shorts and a matching night shirt that said ‘I don’t wanna taco bout it’. 

                Yeah…Jasper didn’t want to either, but they were going to have to.  However, the sound of cartoons coming from the living room alerted her that Crystal was within earshot.  “I’m going to change and take my makeup off.  I’ve had a long night.” 

                “It’s good you’re back safely,” Tubaz said from where he sat at the table, sipping coffee. 

                Jasper gave a polite nod in his direction then turned to her sister.  “When I come back down, we’re having a talk, whether Crystal is still over there or not.”

                Tubaz stood.  “I should probably…”

                “No, stay,” Jasper told him.  “You might be helpful in this conversation.”

                She walked briskly up the stairs, heaving a sigh as she got to the top.  Her stomach constricted in knots as she thought about what she might say to Amethyst.  She quickly went into Allie’s room to check on her, taking the opportunity to pick up a copy of _The Hunger Games_ off the floor, which must’ve slipped from the bed when Allie fell asleep reading it.  She wondered if her daughter had any idea she’d never come home that night, but instead of waking her, she quietly slipped out and into the bathroom. She began wiping at her eyes, removing the mascara and eye shadow until her face felt fresh and clean.  She realized she should be dead tired, but the three cups of coffee at Greg’s house must’ve done their job keeping the exhaustion at bay. 

                Her ears caught the sound of Crystal whining that she didn’t want to go to her room and that it wasn’t fair.  “You have a tablet you can watch cartoons on,” Amethyst told her.  “When I was your age, we didn’t have tablets.”

                “Stone tablets maybe,” Crystal shot back. 

                “Fine, I’ll take your tablet and you can just sit in your room and be bored!” 

                “Noooooo!”  Crystal shrieked. 

                Jasper rolled her eyes.  Her niece had so many toys that being banished to her room was hardly a punishment.  Jasper took off her tank top, lovingly hanging it over the back of a chair and unhooked her bra, stretching and exhaling in relief.  There was a knock at the door.  “One second.” 

                “It’s me,” Allie said. 

                “I’m half naked.” 

                “I’ll wait!”

                Jasper quickly pulled on a pair of workout pants and a sleeveless shirt that said: ‘I bust mine so I can kick yours.’  “Come in.” 

                Almost immediately, Allie was in the room hugging her.  “Did you have fun?” 

                “Yeah.”  She returned the hug and kissed her forehead.  “You?” 

                “We watched a movie – _Coco_.” 

                “Again?  Geez, Crystal is obsessed.  If I have to hear ‘Remember Me’ one more time…”

                Allie turned and picked up the tank top, admiring it.  “Can I borrow this?” 

                Jasper let out a scoff that turned into a laugh.  “No.  It wouldn’t even fit you.” 

                “But I’m getting boobs now.  It might.”  She held it up to herself and it was obviously going to be too large for her.

                “Sorry, but your mosquito bites will have to get a little bigger to fill that out.”  She took it from Allie and hung it over the chair again.  “Besides, it’s special to me.  Now, go to your room.  I need to talk with your aunt.” 

                “About what?” 

                “Adult stuff.” 

                “Like what?” 

                Jasper crossed her arms and raised her eyebrow.  “Like things kids don’t need to worry about, o-kay?”

                “Heh…”  Allie gave a sheepish grin and zipped off to her room. 

                She took a few minutes to herself to sit and take some deep breaths, trying to decompress, even though anger blazed in her when she thought about what her sister had said.  Finally, she gathered her courage and went downstairs where Amethyst was waiting expectantly at the table.  She now had a coffee mug in front of her and there was one waiting for Jasper as well. 

                “I’m really sorry, sis,” Amethyst said simply. 

                Jasper took a seat and stared down her sister for a moment before speaking in a dark tone.  “You had no right to say that to me.  You had no right to throw that in my face.”

                “I…I just want someone to see me as beautiful…or even hot…so much that they want to get with me and try.  I mean, I don’t want…that…to happen.  I shouldn’t have taken to that level.” 

                “No, you shouldn’t have.”  Her gaze turned to the tabletop.  It was hard to look anyone in the eye when she talked about it.  Not that she was ashamed – she knew she’d done nothing wrong – but to open up that much and lay everything out in the open was not something she was comfortable doing.  “You came to me several years ago and I told you something I haven’t shared with anyone else in the family because your friend, who went through the same experience, needed to hear she wasn’t alone and that she would be okay.  Otherwise, I doubt you’d even know.  It’s something deeply personal that I have told very few people about.”  She’d even surprised herself bringing it up to Greg, but she felt she could trust him. 

                “I’m glad you trusted me enough to tell me.”

                “Yeah, I trusted you…and you turn around and throw it back at me in the worst possible way.  Lucky?  Is that what you really think?  That it had anything to do with my ‘hot body’ and that I was ‘lucky’?” 

                Amethyst nervously wrapped her hands around her mug and sighed.  “I didn’t mean that…” 

                “But you still said it.  You still are jealous because of the way I look and the way it sounded – you were jealous because no one has tried to do that to you.”  Jasper took a deep breath and looked squarely at Amethyst…her sister…her _younger_ sister she’d done everything she could to protect from all the bad lurking in the world.  “When you told me what happened to Pe…” she noticed Tubaz out of the corner of her eyes and realized it was best not to drop names.  “…to your friend, my very first thought, which I’m a little ashamed of, was: thank God it wasn’t _you_.  Then, of course, I was overwhelmed with concern because I’ve known her for years and the idea of some asshole hurting someone so sweet made me angry.  The thought of it happening to _anyone_ is horrible, but I would lose my shit on someone who hurt my baby sister in such a way.  I hope to God you NEVER have to know that pain.  So, to see you stand there and hear you tell me I’m ‘lucky’ really blows because it means you don’t think what I went through was serious.” 

                “I’m not saying it wasn’t!”  Amethyst protested. 

                “I know there’s porn out there depicting rape…”

                “Excuse me,” Tubaz interjected.  “They make _rape_ porn?”

                Jasper nodded.  “I know you don’t watch any porn, but yes, apparently some people get off on that.” 

                “Why?”  He asked.  “There’s nothing sexy about it.” 

                “Thank you!  This is why I wanted you here.”  She took a sip of coffee before continuing.  “I mean, I’m sure all those videos are staged; there’s no real danger to anyone and they probably make it seem exciting that a random stranger would come into your house and do these things, or whatever the plot is.  No shaming – if people get off on that, then whatever – I don’t pretend to understand it, but I doubt it’s accurate.  So, I’m going let you decide if I was ‘lucky’ or not, but before I do, whatever is said at this table stays at this table and when we get up and leave, I won’t talk about it again and I expect the same from both of you.  Is that clear?”

                When she got a nod from both of them, she took a moment to think about how to begin before speaking.  _Jameela, I may need your help here._

Her alter-ego sat at a similar table in her apartment.  She kept her gaze down and nodded.  _I’ll try, but I don’t like talking about it._

 _Neither do I, but here goes._   “I don’t bring up the things that happened in the prison because it’s an incredibly painful time to think about.  It’s been fifteen years and I’m still dealing with after effects from that.  I’m still not one complete person because of the things done to me there.  While some of the torture was physical, a lot of what I went through was sexual.  After the first time I was raped – with my sergeant, you know, before all that – my counselor had me write up a trauma narrative; a full-on account of what happened and how I felt about it.  Upon getting out of the military hospital and going back to that same counselor, I told him: if I have to write a separate narrative for every time it happened, we’ll be here a while.  I was Akhram’s prisoner for sixty-five days and of those days, there were only two that he didn’t force himself on me.  Two – out of sixty-five – that first night I was there and one night he was away from the prison.  Sometimes, he’d do it twice in a day, so taking only Akhram’s assaults into account, he raped me – ballpark – seventy times while I was there.” 

“I thought you said you offered yourself to him,” Amethyst recalled.  “In fact, I think once you told me he was actually quite a good lover.” 

“I deluded myself into thinking I was making a choice when really I never had one.  I tried to make it less painful sometimes by giving into what he wanted, especially when he acted nice, but…”she shook her head, “…he wasn’t nice.  He was a horrible human being and he knew exactly what he was doing and exactly how much it hurt me.” 

 _He gave us a name that meant ‘beautiful’_ … Jameela said. 

“Tubaz, yes or no – did Akhram think I was so undeniably beautiful or hot that he absolutely had to have me?”

“He commented that your face was pretty, but he didn’t like your muscles.  They reminded him too much of being with a man.  I think this is why he hardly ever took your dress off.  Oh, and he liked your hair and said you had good hips for child bearing.” 

“And that’s what it ultimately was about, wasn’t it?  He wanted a child – a son.  He’d come in, undo his pants, lift my dress and go for it most nights.  I wasn’t turned on.  I wasn’t ready.  It hurt, a lot.  Sometimes he’d use spit as lube if I was fortunate.  Sometimes he couldn’t get it up and he’d blame me and hit me for it.  Some days, I think it was an obligation to him, like if he didn’t do it, he might miss that one day my egg was viable and there were times I don’t think he wanted to do it any more than I did. 

“He was my enemy – a high ranking terrorist commander – who wanted to hurt me.  This was a man who was at least fifteen years older than me, which, being in my mid-twenties, I was pretty turned off by.  At the time I couldn’t stand men with beards – still not a fan…”  She shuddered even remembering Alabaster’s mustache tickling her.  “His hygiene was poor, so he often stank – especially his breath.  The idea of him kissing me…touching me…still makes my skin crawl.  I know he’s dead and he can never hurt me again.  I know I kept his knife to remind myself how strong I am, but I still have nightmares about him.  The things he put me through will follow me the rest of my life.  And there are areas of my mind I don’t think will ever be normal again.” 

“I get it…you weren’t very lucky.”  Amethyst squirmed in her chair. 

“Oh, did you think I was done?  No, that was just Akhram.  Let me tell you about Kawartaz because that’s some fucked up shit right there.” 

“He was messed up even for that line of work,” Tubaz commented. 

“Well, he missed his calling,” Jasper said.  “With the size of his cock, he could have made a killing in porn…”

                “I’ll add that to my list of things I didn’t need to know about Kawartaz.”

                “But seriously, he just wanted to hurt me.  This had zero to do with the way I looked and everything to do with the fact that I was his enemy and he was there to make my life even more of a living hell.  With Akhram, I’d learned to expect it every night; I never knew when it was coming with Kawartaz.  The thing I never knew with Akhram was what his mood was going to be, so Tubaz came up with a system to let me know.  If he came in and said ‘green’ I knew Akhram was in a good mood and I wouldn’t be hurt.  ‘Yellow’ meant be on guard and ‘red’ meant he was probably going to beat me no matter what I did.” 

                “I really think I get it, okay?!  God!”  

                “So you want me to stop?” 

                “Yeah, I don’t like hearing about this happening to you.” 

                Jasper slowly nodded.  “I understand.  I wanted Akhram to stop too…and Kawartaz, but you know what – they didn’t.  No matter what I said or did, or how uncomfortable they made me feel, or how badly it hurt, they didn’t stop.”  She was vaguely aware of her connection now to Jameela as her counterpart was at the table in her mind sobbing and her own eyes were filling with tears.  “I went in there a soldier…a confident, strong, brave person who truly believed I could handle whatever they threw at me.  I left a broken mess.  Two fucking months of having people beat me and rape me and show me very little compassion.  On the ‘red’ nights, I wanted to die – I wanted the pain to end so badly that I contemplated killing myself.  So, yes, on the ‘green’ nights when Akhram wasn’t being a total asshole, I’d give in because at least something felt somewhat nice and gentle and I wanted to believe he was holding me because he really cared…that someone…really cared…”  And she was there…crying through Jasper’s eyes, the pain opening back up so raw and real for both of them that she forgot they were separated for an instant when that brought them together.  Her arm fell on the table, outstretched in Tubaz’s direction.  “Only one person actually did…only one person dared show any amount of care or compassion…”

                A gentle hand touched her arm and Tubaz spoke.  “Jameela, it’s okay.” 

                Jasper found herself in the apartment in her mind while her alter-ego spoke through her.  “You…you can tell, can’t you?  That’s why you call me Jameela?” 

                “Oh God, not this again…”  Amethyst covered her eyes with her hand and shook her head. 

                “You mean that Jameela and Jasper are two different sides of you?  Of course.  Jasper is strong and confrontational and a bit aggressive.  Jameela is emotional, but more reasonable and usually quite calm.  I got to know you both very well, but that is why when I say something you need to hear, I often talk to you, Jameela.”  Tubaz squeezed her arm.  “I think when the time is right, the two sides will merge together and you’ll be one whole person again…instead of broken.”    

                “You’ve got to be kidding me…you’re supporting this craziness?”  Amethyst asked.

                “I was there, Amy.  I had to watch some of what she went through…a lot of it, actually.  The only way she was lucky was that she got out of there when she did and survived.”  He turned to her.  “I’m sorry they broke you, Jameela…and Jasper.”

                She smiled and wiped the tears away.  “I was lucky to have you as a friend.”  

                He gave a small chuckle.  “And what does Jasper think?” 

                Inside her mind, Jasper rolled her eyes and gave an exasperated sigh.  _Iguessimthankfulforyourhelpandimluckyyouremyfriendtoo…_

                “Come on, Jasper.” 

                She snapped back into herself, Jameela spinning joyfully into her apartment, mouth open with laughter as she plopped onto her couch.   _Someone else knows I’m here!_

Jasper wiped the tears from her eyes and exhaled.  “Okay – I’m thankful for your help and you’re my friend too.  You happy?  I don’t do well with this mushy stuff.”

                Amethyst got up and sat next to her sister.  “I really am sorry.  I never should have said that.  You’re like the bravest person I know.”  She leaned over and hugged Jasper. 

                She hesitated, but ultimately embraced Amethyst.  “I forgive you, but think before you speak next time.”

*

                “So, you went home with a client?” Garnet asked.  “What…did you do?” 

                Jasper laughed.  “What do you mean ‘what did we do’?  We stayed up all night talking.” 

                “Topaz and I stayed up all night, too…not talking.”  Garnet clicked her tongue and winked in her direction.

                “So there’s potential there.”  Jasper flipped through her schedule. 

                “Well, is there potential with Greg?” 

                She gave another laugh that came out tinged with nervousness.  “No, he’s just a chum.” _Where the fuck did I pull that word out of?_ “I did briefly meet his son though.  He seems like a good kid.” 

                “Speaking of kids, how is Allie?” 

                “Good,” Jasper plunked her clipboard on the desk and sat down.  “She just got her progress report – mostly high grades – one C in science, but I think if she applies herself a little more she can raise that up to a B.  She’s a bright kid, just doesn’t like science.”

                “She still has to apply herself.” 

                “That’s what I keep telling her.  Though, I was glad she dressed warmly this morning without being told when it’s cold out.  Usually I’m telling her to put on a sweater or something when she tries to go out with short sleeves.”  Jasper was a little disappointed Greg’s name was missing from her schedule, but then he usually didn’t come in on Mondays.  “I start my tattoo process this weekend.  They’re beginning with the lower back.” 

                “A tramp stamp?” 

                Jasper scoffed, faking offense.  “Tramp stamp?  I’m not my sister.  And it’s more like the lower half of my back.”

                “So…they tattoo your butt, too, don’t they?” 

                “They do half at a time, but yeah, I’m not looking forward to sitting after that.”  Jasper paused making notes on her schedule.  “Uncle Sua is supervising which means he’s going to see my ass…” 

                “Your uncle?  Awkward.” 

                “Well, I mean, he’s not my real uncle; all the elders in our community are ‘uncle’ or ‘auntie’ to us even if they’re not related.  Still, I’ve known him since I was little, so yeah it’s kind of weird.  Not to mention my dad is going to be there too and I don’t think he’s seen my butt since he used to take a belt to it.” 

                “Yikes.  What did you do?” 

                “What didn’t I do?”  Jasper laughed.  “I wasn’t the easiest child to raise and I know people have a lot of opinions on spanking, but my parents were very old-school.  Thankfully, I was blessed with a good kid and I’ve rarely had to take a hand to Allie’s behind.”  Of course, her daughter was a bit old for that now. 

                Work had been exhausting, but in a good way that left her feeling powerful when she walked in the door that evening.  The smell of something delicious came from the kitchen where she wandered first.  “What’s for dinner?”

                “Steak fajitas,” Amethyst answered from in front of the stove. 

                “I don’t like onions,” Crystal protested. 

                Jasper stomach growled as she inhaled the spicy promise of a good, home cooked meal.   She kissed Crystal on the top of her head.  “You’re not wearing your hijab.” 

                “I wanted my hair in braids today.  Mom even put ribbons in.” 

                “I see that.”  She was also wearing a lime green sweater with a rainbow tutu and blue striped leggings that didn’t match the pink ribbons.  Jasper shook her head disapprovingly.  She’d never let her kid leave the house looking like that, but Amethyst believed more in liberal parenting.  “Where’s Allie?” 

                “Upstairs.”  Amethyst motioned for her to come closer then dropped her voice.  “She seemed really upset when she came home but she wouldn’t talk to me.” 

                “Do think it’s her time of the month?”  Jasper asked, knowing that could be irregular in the first year. 

                “Maybe, but I think something happened at school.”

                Jasper took a deep breath trying not to let the absolute worst come to mind.  She climbed the stairs, finding the door to the bathroom closed and knocked.  “Allie?” 

                “Nothing!” 

                “Are you okay?” 

                There was a splash of water as though she was wringing out a towel.  “Um…yes?” 

                “Is it your period?”

                “No.” 

                She jiggled the handle, finding it locked.  “Can you open the door?” 

                “Um…” 

                Jasper was definitely getting the feeling that Allie was hiding something.  “I’m going to count to three…”

                _Click._ Jasper opened the door and saw her daughter standing there hiding something behind her back that was dripping on the floor.  Her eyes glistened with unshed tears.  “I’m sorry…I’m so sorry…”

                “What did you do?” 

                “I’m really sorry…”  With a trembling hand she held out something sopping wet and orange…and covered in pink and purple splotches of paint. 

                It took Jasper a second to realize what it was and she exploded, snatching the tank top from Allie.  “WHAT THE HELL?!”  A sheen of red fell over her vision as she realized it was acrylic paint and already set and would not come out.  “Alexandrite!  I told you that you couldn’t wear this!” 

                “I thought…I could put it back…”

                “That’s not the point!  You took it without asking – no, you asked and I said no!” 

                “I’m really sorry.”  Her voice sounded small and pitiful. 

                Jasper, however, was not in the mood to bestow pity.  “Sorry doesn’t remove the paint stains!” 

                “I’ll…I’ll do chores…I’ll buy you a new one…”

                “It’s older than you are!  I specifically told you it was special to me and you take it and ruin it!”

                Tears streaked down Allie’s cheeks even though she pressed her lips together as though she was trying hard not to lose it.  “I…” 

                “No ‘I’m sorry’ – sorry doesn’t fix it!”  She took a breath to try and calm herself down, but knew if one of them didn’t leave she was probably another ‘sorry’ away from bending Allie over her knee – too old or not.  One more breath and she steadied her voice.  “Not another word.  Go to your room.  Now!” 

                Allie pushed past her and rushed off.  Jasper heard the slam of her door and her sobbing from down the hall, but looking at the tank top in her hand, anger still burned in her.  No wonder she’d been wearing a sweater that morning…all to hide the tank top.  She hadn’t raised her daughter to be this way…to steal…to lie…to try and cover up her mistakes.  Jasper stalked to her room and sat on the bed with a sigh. 

                Hands shaking, she opened up the tank top and looked at it.  It looked like it was truly an accident; Allie probably tipped over paint in art class.  Maybe her mom knew of some way to remove it, but picking at it with her fingernail, it seemed pretty set.  The beaded neckline was somehow paint-free, but a large portion of the front was covered. In fact, it even looked like Allie may have tried to wash it before the paint had set as in a few areas the purple and pink blended together into magenta.  Her favorite shirt, which held so many memories, now looked like a deranged sunset.  “God damn it, Allie…”

                “Hey, Jasps, what…holy shit…” Amethyst stopped in the doorway.  “Is that…”

                “Yeah.” 

                “Did she…”

                “Uh-huh.”  Rage took over again and she hurled the garment at the wall.  

                “Wow.  I am sorry.”  Amethyst picked it up and inspected it.  “I know this meant a lot to you.” 

                She could still hear Lacy’s voice insisting on her buying it – ‘ _It’ll look perfect on you!  Not many people can pull off orange.’_  She’d worn it to her parents’ anniversary party, and to Amethyst’s sweet sixteen and her graduation.  Bismuth had complimented her in it on their first date and months later, it was what he slipped off of her when they’d made love for the first time.  She’d even brought it to the hospital to wear home after having Allie.  “Well, I guess for a ten dollar tank top, I got my money’s worth.” 

                “Maybe Mom can…” 

                “I doubt it.”

                Amethyst hung it over her arm.  “I know you might not be hungry, but dinner’s ready.  Is Allie allowed to eat?’ 

                “I’m pretty sure it’s frowned upon if not illegal to not feed your kid nowadays.  Make no mistake – she will be punished – big time.  Absolutely no dessert for her, though.”  She heaved a sigh, her rage dissipating and giving way to disappointment.  “I’ll eat later.  I don’t even want to look at her right now.  I didn’t raise a thief and a liar and it makes me feel like I failed somewhere.  And I knew this would happen – or something like this – she’d take it and somehow ruin it.  That’s why I told her she couldn’t borrow it.” 

                Her sister rubbed her back soothingly.  “I wish I could help, but yeah, this one’s a doozy.  Whenever you’re ready, there will be leftovers for you.” 

                Jasper nodded before Amethyst left with the tank top.  She could hear her knocking on Allie’s door and asking if she wanted dinner. 

                “I don’t deserve it!”  Allie wailed dramatically. 

                “Really?”  Jasper whispered rolling her eyes before shutting the door.  She took a shower and then went downstairs for dinner, but the steak fajitas didn’t appeal to her.  Instead, she grabbed a pint of rocky road from the freezer and plopped down on the couch next to Amethyst.  “Crystal is watching _Coco_ again?” 

“I like this movie,” Crystal commented then started singing along.  “‘Remember me…though I have to say good-bye…’” 

“No shit,” Jasper said under her breath. 

“It’s payback for all the times I had to watch _Moana_ with Allie when she was six.”  Amethyst gave her sister a sassy smile. 

“That’s fair.”

She was alone in her room later on when she heard the door creak open.  Allie stood there peeking in.  “Mom.” 

“What is it, Allie?” 

Her daughter stepped into the room holding a blue peasant style shirt with embroidery around the neckline.  “This is my favorite shirt.  You can paint on it if you want.” 

                Jasper closed her laptop and crossed her arms.  “It isn’t just about the tank top.  Don’t get me wrong, I am pissed that it was ruined, but you betrayed my trust in you and that hurts worse.  I told you that you were not allowed to borrow it and you did anyway – that is stealing.  Then, you covered up that you were wearing it and tried covering up that you ruined it – that’s dishonest.  Had you come to me and convinced me that you were responsible and would take care of it, I might have considered letting you wear it to the mall or something.”    

                “Am I grounded?”

                “Oh, yeah – big time.  For the next two weeks you will go to school and karate – that is it.  If you go anywhere else such as to visit your grandparents, it’s because we’re going as a family.” 

                “I was supposed to go to Peedee’s movie party…”

                A part of her wanted to inquire further.  Who the hell was Peedee?  It sounded suspiciously like a _boy’s_ name.  Well, it really didn’t matter because…  “You’re not.  That shirt was way more important to me than any party.  You will come home, you will do your homework – there will be no dessert, TV, tablets, electronics of any kind aside from your phone…”  Allie’s phone was not a smart phone and was only for emergency calls to family.  “You may use the computer downstairs with supervision for school work only.  During those two weeks, you will really think about your actions and why they were wrong.  I want you to think how you would feel if Crystal destroyed something you cared about.” 

                “She messes with my stuff all the time.”

                Jasper crossed her arms and leaned back against the pillows on her bed.  “Little kids do that.  I thought you were becoming more mature…responsible…but perhaps I was wrong.  I still care about you; I still love you, but I’m also still very disappointed.” 

                Allie nodded.  “I love you too.” 

                “Make sure your homework is done, brush your teeth then go straight to bed.”  She watched as her daughter sadly walked out the door.  Part of her wondered if she’d initially been too harsh, but then she thought about the tank top once again and annoyance settled in her again. 

*

                Jasper, along with Amethyst and the girls, arrived at her parents’ place early Saturday morning and was greeted by her mom who was dressed up in a black floral print _puletasi_ – a modest, two-piece dress.  Her hair was pulled back and she was wearing lipstick.  “Don’t you look nice.” 

                “What do you mean?  I always look nice for church.  Is that what you’re wearing?”  Her mother gestured to Jasper’s T-shirt proclaiming ‘I’m turning my puff into tuff’ and loose workout pants. 

                “It’s cute you think I’d actually go to church and it’s also Saturday.”

                “It is?”  Her mom clicked her tongue when Jasper showed her the date on her phone.  “Fetuao!  Why didn’t you tell me it was Saturday?” 

                Jasper’s father stood at the entrance to the hall.  “Eh, I thought you were looking pretty for me.”

                Amethyst snickered.  “It’s okay, Mom.  Since you look nice, maybe we can all go out for lunch while Jasper gets tatted up.” 

                “Nuh-uh.  Allie’s grounded; she’s not allowed to go to lunch,” Jasper told them.  “If you’re going out to lunch, she’s coming with me to the tattoo parlor and staring at my bare ass for several hours while I get this done.” 

                “You can’t ground me from lunch and make me look at your butt!” 

                “I’m your mom.  I absolutely can.”

                Jasper’s mother put her hands on Allie’s shoulders.  “Why don’t you help me make lunch instead?  I’ll teach you one of my recipes.” 

                “And we should get going,” her father said.  “We don’t want to keep your uncle waiting.” 

                Her mother hugged her.  “If you have to wince, hide your face and don’t cry out.” 

                “I know.  I got this.”  She fished her keys out of her purse and retreated to the car with her dad. 

                “It’s okay to be nervous, you know,” her father said as he buckled his seatbelt.

She was, but she’d never admit to it.  She started the car and backed out of the driveway.  “Nah, I’m good.”

“I was nervous before I got my _pe’a_.  I heard stories of how painful it was.  You know, maybe I started doing it for the wrong reason.  I hoped it would impress your mother, but it brought me closer to my culture, to the men in my family who came before me and when it was over, I dreamed of the day I would go with my son when he got it done.”  Her father looked over at her and smiled.  “Well, I wouldn’t trade my baby girl for a hundred sons and I’m so proud of you for choosing to do this.  You have nothing to be worried about.”

                The drive was short and Adam greeted her with a smile and a firm handshake.  “Ready to get started?” 

                She was led back to a private room where Uncle Sua was waiting.  He stood there looking at her with disapproval and crossed his arms, shaking his head. 

“ _Talofa_ , Uncle,” she greeted. 

                Her father averted his gaze while she stripped down to her undergarments and then was handed a sheet to cover most of her rear.  “I do need just the top part showing for this tattoo,” Adam told her.  “As you know, we use landmarks.  Unlike western tattoos, there is no stencil.  This is all freehand.” 

                She nodded and lay down on the table while he donned some black latex gloves.  “So, is there a reason for black or does it just look cool?” 

                Adam laughed.  “It actually helps hide the blood, but it does look cool.”  He took a deep breath and said something in Samoan that took a moment for Jasper to translate in her head: “Your necklace may break, the fau tree may burst, but my tattooing is indestructible. It is an everlasting gem that you will take into your grave.”

                Her father chuckled.  “The _tufuga_ said the same thing – actually he sang it – before starting mine.  I remember laying in an open _fale_ on fine mats – my bare ass visible to the world.  See, because the houses have no walls, what happens in your _fale_ is your business…and your auntie’s business…and that other guy over there’s business…” 

                The whole room burst into laughter until finally Adam opened a sterile package and took a breath.  “Okay, Uncle, I need to concentrate.”

                “And I just remember mentally preparing myself, laying there listening to the wind and sea and all of a sudden – tap-tap-tap-tap.” 

                _Bzzzzzzzzzz!_   The noise came from behind her as Adam checked to make sure everything was in working order.  “You ready?  Once I start, there’s no turning back.”

                Jasper took a deep breath and remembered the words she’d said before having Allie.  “Let’s do this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been asked why Tubaz still calls her Jameela - I couldn't answer that because the explanation was coming. ;)


	17. Changes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...I goofed - when I sat down to write this I either did the math wrong or not at all. Based on the timeline of Earning her Stripes and when this story takes place in relation to this, Crystal is FIVE, not six as previously stated. Allie is still eleven (almost twelve at this point) but based on how American schools work, she'd be going into seventh grade, not sixth.
> 
> I may go back and correct previous chapters if I have time, but moving forward, these new ages/grades are what we'll stick with.
> 
> Moving on...

** Chapter 16 – Changes **

                Jasper groaned as Amethyst gently rubbed coconut oil onto her back that night.  Half her back stung and she only wore a sports bra up top to avoid anything touching the open wounds.  She’d have to sleep on her stomach at least for a few days. 

                “And you’re still going to complete it?”  Amethyst asked. 

                “Of course.” 

                “I remember it hurting when I got my star tattoo,” she said referring to her tramp stamp.  “But, wow, this covers a lot more.  This part up here looks like it’s reminiscent of a boat.” 

                “Adam said that’s exactly what it is.”  Jasper took a deep breath as her sister’s hand left her and the cool air settled on her skin.  “It represents the journey our ancestors took to reach Samoa and then when some of them left to settle other islands.  He told me that our languages are all different, but one word is the same over all of Polynesia and that’s ‘ _moana_ ’.” 

                “Ocean,” Amethyst translated. 

                “Yes.  The ocean connected all the islands and the people.” 

                “Mom was telling Allie and Crystal about her childhood in Samoa today.”  Amethyst snickered.  “Crystal asked if their village had an idiot.  Mom says: ‘yes, I married him.’” 

                Jasper gave an amused laugh.  “I am so telling Dad.” 

                “Yeah…I’m worried…about Mom.” 

                “What do you mean?” 

                Amethyst knelt by the bed so she could talk to her sister face to face.  “You know how she thought today was Sunday?” 

                “Ames, she’s retired.  Besides, how many times have I thought Thursday was Friday – I mean, that was wishful thinking – but that’s not exactly unusual.”

                “Crystal asked for a glass of milk and I found the milk…in the pantry.” 

                “And I’ve put cereal in the fridge before when I’ve been tired.  Mom’s old; memory lapses happen.  And not just when you’re old – it happens to me sometimes too.  How many times do I go into a room and forget why I went in there?  Plus, how many times do we have to tell the girls to do something?”

                Amethyst nodded while rolling her eyes.  “Truer words were never spoken.  But still…Mom forgot how old I was on my birthday.” 

                “By a year – that’s not so much.  I’ve been off on their anniversary.”  Jasper remembered that night and their conversation about Joshua…or Joseph and how her mother seemed confused on the name.  However, this could also be explained by normal forgetfulness.  It was entirely possible her mom wasn’t too close to that family.  She recalled another conversation they’d had where her mother had talked to her about her date with Topaz.  Jasper had asked which auntie her mother had spoken to and the response – after a pause – was: ‘That doesn’t matter.’”  Could it have been that her mom didn’t want to name names and get someone on Jasper’s bad side?  Or did she sincerely not remember who she’d spoken to, possibly even that very morning?  She remembered the night her parents talked about their final wishes and funeral preparations.  Could there actually be something wrong with her mother? 

                The stinging in her back reminded her of the inspiration for the tattoo in the first place.  No, of course her mom was fine.  She had remembered the entire story of Nafanua after all and details from years ago when Jasper was captured.  Her mom’s mind had always been sharp as a tack.  “Ames, I’ll talk to dad and make sure he’s aware of your concerns, but from what I’ve seen, these are minor memory lapses that could be explained with her age.” 

                “I suppose you’re right.  I mean, she was able to cook lunch without trouble and then she was talking about sewing, so I guess she still does that okay.  It’s just Dad really seemed to want me to spend time with Mom, like he didn’t want her alone.”

                Jasper shrugged a little, her mind trying to think of a valid reason when somewhere in the background it told her that something was not right.  “You know, maybe, it’s just that we don’t see them often.  I mean, they live like two miles away.  We could visit every day, but we don’t.  Sometimes a week…or two…passes before we go over there.  It might be nice spending more time together as a family these next few weeks.” 

*

                “Jasper, why are you sitting on the side of your chair?”  her mother asked at dinner the following Saturday. 

                “Because sitting hurts…in particular, sitting on my left butt cheek hurts.”

                “You did very well today,” her father said as he passed a bowl to her. 

                The back of Jasper’s left leg and rear was now covered in an intricate design.  Next week they would do the right side.  Her back still itched as the detailed lines healed and scabbed over.  It was tempting to scratch it or rub up against a wall for relief, but doing so might ruin Adam’s hard work.  

                “You know, back home, young men would rinse their tattoos in the ocean,” her mom told her. 

                Jasper stirred her rice and _sapasui_ together.  “That sounds both unsanitary and painful.”

                “I helped grandma make this,” Allie said.  “It’s really easy.” 

                _Sapasui_ was their answer to getting rid of leftover meat and vegetables before they went bad, kind of like a stew.  Today it appeared to be pork with onions, yellow squash and tomatoes.  She was actually unsure of how her mom made the sauce, but it was delicious, as always.  Hopefully Allie would remember the recipe.  “Well, it appears you inherited cooking skills from somewhere.”  Jasper looked at her parents.  “Allie made chicken and dumplings for us this week.  It turned out great.” 

                Allie shrugged.  “It didn’t turn out as thick as Grandma Cordero’s, but then I remembered I forgot to add corn starch.  So, it was more like a soup but it was still good.”

                 Her mother looked around the table.  “Where is Crystal?” 

                “At her father’s,” Amethyst reminded her.  “Remember?  It’s his weekend.” 

                The sisters exchanged worried looks as their mother nodded.  After dinner, while Amethyst helped in the kitchen, Jasper talked to her dad out on the deck.  He lowered himself into a lawn chair with a groan.  “I take it you won’t be sitting.” 

                She laughed lightly.  “Yeah, probably not for the next few days…at least not comfortably.  Anyway, I wanted to ask how Mom is doing.  She seems a bit…confused and forgetful.” 

                Her father clasped his hands together and nodded slowly.  “We were waiting awhile, hoping we had more time before it became apparent.  You’re right and I had noticed it, too.  There were small signs at first, things I attributed to her aging, but then she became more confused and I started to find sewing supplies in the fridge, dishes she put away dirty because she thought she’d cleaned them and she tried washing kitchen towels in the dishwasher.  She’d forget to take her medication and her blood sugar would be sky high.  It scared both of us.  Finally, after seeing a specialist we found she’s in the early stages of Alzheimer’s.” 

                “You mean…she’s losing her memories?” 

                His brow knitted together and he nodded.  “She’s on a medication that helps with the confusion, but it doesn’t slow the disease and it doesn’t restore what she’s lost.  She’s getting to the point where she can’t drive and I don’t feel comfortable leaving her alone for too long.  This is why she’s asked Amethyst to go to church with her and to stay with her while I’m at the tattoo parlor with you.” 

                Jasper leaned against the deck railing, resting her weight on the side of her behind that didn’t hurt and absorbed this information.  Her mother, who seemed to remember everything, was slowly forgetting.  “But…she remembered the story she told me…she remembers her childhood on Samoa.” 

                “Short term memory is affected first.  She has trouble recalling things she’s recently learned or events that have happened in the last few months to a year or so.  Long term memory is affected later, so she remembers her childhood and the stories and legends told to her.  She remembers Samoa.” 

                “But she forgets that Crystal visits her dad.”  She looked up at a clearing in the clouds – at the stars visible in the heavens.  This was the first step in losing her mother.  She’d never really known her grandparents; they’d lived half a world away and had died when Jasper was still fairly young.  She’d seen her parents get old, they’d even discussed the inevitable, but this was like a slap in the face as she was confronted with their mortality.  “Is she…she’s going to…” 

                “Not for a long time.  With treatment, it can take years before that happens.” 

                Tears blurred her vision and she blinked to hold them back.  “But…she’s going to forget…everything.  Her grandkids…Amethyst…me…” Blinking wasn’t helping and she felt the hot tears spill onto her cheeks.  “I never really saw eye-to-eye with her and I thought we had time.  I thought maybe as I got older, we might get along better.”  Her breath came out shakily and she forced back a sob.  “And now she’s going to forget me.” 

                Her father stood and hugged her tightly.  “Baby Girl, she remembers you now.”  His hand gently stroked her hair as she sobbed into his shoulder.  “She might have trouble making new memories, but she knows she loves you and she knows you love her and all you can do is show her that, even as things start to…progress.  All we can do is be there for her.  Being around people and places that are familiar helps.” 

                “And you?  You’re still okay, right?”  She couldn’t help the tears.  She rarely cried, but occasionally news like this came along that rocked her to her core.  The realization that her mother was fading away was painful enough.  However, she was a daddy’s girl and even thinking about something happening to her father was more than she could handle.

“Yes, Baby Girl.  I’m taking all my meds and taking care of myself.  I hope to be around for a good, long while.”

Jasper sniffled and pulled back wiping her tears away.  “If you want to stay with her while I get my tattoo you can.” 

                “No.  I’m glad to be with you as you do this; I’m proud of you and so is she.” 

                “She remembers?” 

                “I’ve had to remind her a few times, but she’s always happy that Amethyst comes to visit.  She’s teaching your sister and daughter to sew.” 

                “Oh, so her patience is still intact?”  Jasper asked with a slight laugh. 

                He chuckled.  “Amethyst gets frustrated easily, but I have to hand it to your girl.  Allie has a domestic streak about her.  She and your mother are working on a surprise for you that she’ll give you when you finish this tattoo.” 

                Jasper wondered if it was a quilt or maybe an outfit of some kind, but she’d find out in another four weeks or so. 

                “Speaking of surprises, I have one for her.  I’m arranging an anniversary party for us next month with the help of the community.  It’s our fiftieth.” 

                She recalled the adventures they’d told her about – the way they’d traveled the country by car and built a life for themselves for nine years before she came along.  “Wow…already?” 

                “Hard to believe, I know.  Seems just a few years ago I was young and innocent…now I’m old and guilty.”  They shared a laugh.  “On our anniversary, I’m going to tell her that I’m taking her to Samoa for ten days in October.  I’m sorry we won’t be here for your birthday, but…” 

                “That’s okay.  I understand.” 

                “It’ll be good for her to go back and see her friends and her village.  I’m sure it’ll bring back so many old memories and I’m going to record her talking about them so you girls will have stories to hear.  Someday, if you two go to Savai’i, you’ll see the place she used to call home, maybe run into old friends or distant relations and you’ll have something to talk about.” 

                Jasper thought it would be nice to go there, to maybe take Allie someday.  She had only ever been on the other island – Upolu – because Bismuth had booked the trip and they’d stayed in a resort.  She smiled recalling how she’d come home and showed her mom the pictures.  Her mom had clicked her tongue saying: ‘A resort.  That’s not really experiencing Samoa.’

                “Hey, for the party, can I perform the _taualuga_?  I’d like to contribute something and she taught me to dance it.” 

                “I think that’s a beautiful idea.  Why don’t you go in and spend some time with your mom?  Send Amethyst out here.”  When Jasper looked at him with a shocked expression, he shrugged sadly.  “She should know too.”

                Jasper made sure her eyes were dry and hoped they weren’t red.  She walked in to see her mom, sister and daughter at the table folding kitchen towels.  “What are you guys doing?” 

                “They’re helping me,” her mom said.  “Can you believe it?  I washed all of these and just put the pile in a cabinet instead of folding them and putting them in a drawer.”  She shook her head.  “I swear some days I’d lose my head if it wasn’t attached to me.”

                “I’ll help.”  She put a hand on Amethyst’s back.  “Dad wants to talk to you.” 

                Jasper picked up one of the towels as her sister left and started folding it.  “It’s nice spending time together.” 

                “I miss seeing you girls.  It feels like forever since the last time you were here.” 

                “We’ll try to visit much more often.  I’m sorry we haven’t.  I know sometimes it might not seem like it, but, I do love you, Mom.” 

                Her mother stopped folding and gave Jasper a soft smile as she covered her hand.  “I love you, too.” 

                And in that moment, Jasper tried not to worry about the future, but focused on right here, right now because at least her mother still remembered she loved her. 

*

                Both of them decided not to say anything to the girls just yet.  “I want to talk to Tubaz first,” Amethyst told her sister.  “He’s Crystal’s father and should be in the loop before we tell her.  How are you going to break it to Allie?” 

                “I honestly think I want to wait a bit – maybe after their anniversary, but Allie’s smart and fairly mature.  I can just lay it out as is and try to answer her questions.”

                The next evening, when he brought Crystal home, Tubaz joined them for dinner and their conversation turned to more serious topics once the girls were upstairs.  “I am sorry to hear about your mother.  If there is anything Nadima and I can help with please let us know.  As for telling Crystal, I think we can explain her grandmother is becoming like Mama Coco from that movie she’s always watching.  She will understand at least that much.” 

                “Good idea.”  Amethyst leaned back in her chair.  “Why didn’t I think of that?” 

                “Also, I am concerned about Crystal eating candy.  She had some in her bag and asked for more.  When we didn’t have any, she cried.”  Tubaz shook his head.  “My wife is a dentist; she is concerned for Crystal’s teeth.” 

                Amethyst rolled her eyes.  “They’re baby teeth.  One is already loose.”

                “She will have some of them until she is eleven or twelve.  I don’t want Crystal to have cavities.”

                “Not to mention it’s bad for her overall health,” Jasper commented. 

                “Okay, just because you deny Allie sugar…”  

                “I do not.  I limit it to special occasions.  It’s a treat, not an everyday thing and that’s how it should be,” Jasper told her.  “Mom has diabetes already.  Your doctor said your blood sugar was elevated and you needed to watch it.”

“Is this true, Amy?”  Tubaz asked. 

Amethyst crossed her arms and huffed.  “Even if it is, it has nothing to do with Crystal.  She’s healthy.”

“You’re right, she is – for now, but Crystal has a genetic chance of developing it later in life, along with high cholesterol, heart disease and high blood pressure.  Now is the time.”  Jasper tapped her finger on the table.  “Not when you end up with it or when she’s running high blood sugar as a teenager, but now.  Eating habits develop young and maybe she’ll get lucky and she’ll take after Tubaz’s side of the family and be healthy the rest of her life, but do you really want to take that chance?  And her watching you sit down every night with popcorn, soda and candy and seeing your constant snacking on unhealthy foods only shows her that this is okay.” 

                “What about you, Miss Whole-Pint-of-Ice-Cream?  Just because the kids don’t see it, does that make it okay?  I mean, I know you work out, but a whole pint at a time?” 

                Jasper steepled her fingers together and slowly nodded.  “You know what, you’re right.  I have a bad day every so often and I overdo it on the ice cream and that’s not good either despite my overall fit and active lifestyle.  Ames, you don’t have to take it to the level I do, but I think we’re all in agreement that we want you around for a long time.  Even if you’re a bigger girl, that’s okay, as long as you’re doing everything you can to live healthy.  That’s all I’m asking – a little more exercise, even walking every day will help – you work at home; you have a free gym membership through my job, there is no reason you can’t spend half an hour a day getting some kind of physical activity.  And we can start eating right as a family – start cooking with healthier oils, leaner meat, fruit instead of candy for dessert and good snacks – nuts, veggies, low sugar cereal.  And occasionally, yes, we can get a package of cookies or something and have one.” 

                “She is right,” Tubaz said.  “Crystal is only five; she needs you around and in good shape for years to come.  She also needs to eat well.  She says here if she doesn’t like the food, she is given stick fish and…chicken nuggets?” 

                “Fish sticks,” Amethyst corrected.  Obviously, since neither were halal, they weren’t staples in the Fayad household.  “And neither have much nutritional value.”  She took a deep breath and sighed.  “You guys are right and I will try harder.” 

                “You won’t try, you’ll do it,” Jasper told her.  “I will wake you up at the butt crack of dawn and drag your ass on a walk if I have to.”

                “How do we get Crystal to eat healthy?”  Amethyst asked.  “If I try to force her, she’ll just have a fit.” 

                Jasper thought for a moment then snapped her fingers.  “I have an idea.  When I was in preschool, we had snack time and it was always healthy stuff and the teachers made us take a ‘no thank you bite’ – Mom and Dad thought this was a good idea and implemented it at home.” 

                “A what?” 

                “A ‘no thank you bite’ – it meant I had to take a bite of whatever they served.  If I didn’t like it, I could say ‘no thank you’ and I didn’t have to eat it.” 

“They never did that with me.”

“You were a garbage disposal.  If they put it in front of you, you ate it – sometimes it wasn’t even food.  Anyway, it got me to try a wide variety of foods and now there’s very little I don’t like.  Some foods may have taken a few tries and I still hate coconut, but it worked to know that I had a little control.” 

                “Okay, what if she refuses to eat for four days straight?” 

                Jasper shook her head.  “She won’t.  She’ll get hungry.  Besides, I have a feeling dinner will be the battle because she’ll eat cereal for breakfast and sandwiches for lunch.” 

                “We don’t let the kids snack,” Tubaz told them.  “If they don’t eat their dinner it goes in the fridge and if they’re hungry later that is what they eat.  Very seldom do they not finish their food now.”

                “I’m absolutely certain Crystal will resist for a week.”  Jasper shrugged.  “Hell, I’m certain even Allie is not going to completely like this, but in the long run, I think it’ll work.  We just have to stick to our guns.  If Crystal throws a tantrum, she gets a time out, end of story.”

                Amethyst agreed and Tubaz said: “I need to try this with Zahir – that boy is picky.”  He then turned to Jasper.  “And I had some good news you need to hear.” 

                “Nadima’s pregnant,” Jasper guessed. 

                “What?  No!  We’re done in that department – I already have three kids to put through college.  However, speaking of money, it seems Mr. Diamante owes quite a bit to the government.  As talented a lawyer as he is, even Abriq couldn’t get him out of that mess once the IRS had all the paperwork that…someone sent them.”  Tubaz chuckled.  “I’ve heard rumors that his sister may have to take control of the East Coast department.  Apparently, she doesn’t cheat on her taxes.” 

                “Serves him right,” Jasper said.  “I hope he has to pay through the nose.”

                “I was hoping for jail time, but I guess Abriq did manage to get him out of that.  He owes quite a hefty fine though.  Mr. Diamante then demanded a new financial lawyer and Abriq is happy to be rid of him.” 

                Jasper rolled her eyes.  “Let me guess, he wants someone white.”

                “I did hear something about him wanting ‘someone who speaks actual English’.” 

                “What a dick.”  Amethyst leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms.  “I can’t believe you were banging this guy.”

                “Thanks, Ames.”  Truthfully, Jasper couldn’t believe it either.

                “Oh, you’ll love this.  So, our HR department got a visit from INS…”

                “What, like, immigration?”  Jasper asked. 

                “Yes and now they have to turn in paperwork for all the employees in the firm to prove they’re not hiring undocumented workers.  Apparently, they got an anonymous tip.  It is a good thing my permanent resident card is up to date.”

                Amethyst turned to him.  “Have you thought about applying for citizenship?  You’ve been here, what, fifteen years?”

                “Fourteen.”

                “And Nadima was born here,” Jasper pointed out.  “So, you have a path to becoming a citizen if you wanted to.  Unless you plan on returning to Iraq at some point.”

                Tubaz laughed and shook his head.  “That’s a no.  I don’t think it would be safe, but becoming a citizen here is also scary.  I’m worried perhaps they haven’t done a lot of digging for me to stay here, but to actually be an American…I know that will never happen if they find out about my past.” 

                “But you didn’t really do anything,” Amethyst protested.  She then looked at Jasper.  “Right?” 

                “No, but in all honesty, I don’t think they’d care,” she said.  “He’s right.  If the government ever found out the he was involved in terrorist activities – at all, no matter how slight – he’d be on the first plane back to the Middle East.”

                “I can’t risk it.  I’ve established a life here.  I have my career, my wife, my children, my friends…”  He reached over and squeezed Amethyst’s hand.  “There is nothing for me in the place I once called home.  This is my home now, but I’m not sure I could ever officially be American, no matter how I feel inside.”

*

                The next evening, the family of four sat down to a meal of chicken nuggets and fries the Amethyst had baked in the oven.  “Sorry, Crystal, we were out of tater tots.” 

                Her daughter scowled and poked at a crinkle fry.  “I guess this is okay.” 

                “Ooooh, sweet and sour.”  Allie plucked a small sauce container with a familiar green top out from the pile on the table.  “Does this mean you went to McDonald’s without us, Aunt Ames?” 

                “Only to buy sauce.”  She sat down. 

“I remember when I was little, they used to keep the sauce out on the counter, not behind it like they do now.  Mom used to go in and get like twenty free sauces for her homemade chicken tenders.”

Amethyst’s brow knitted together.  “I don’t remember that.”

“No, by the time you would have been old enough to remember, they started charging for them and I swear she’s the reason behind that.”

“Jasper, how’s your tattoo healing?” 

                “Hurts like hell.”  Jasper broke open a nugget.  “What is this?” 

                “Chih-en,” Crystal said with her mouth full. 

                “No, this is not chicken.  I don’t know what part of the chicken is the nugget.”  She dipped it in barbecue sauce and popped one half in her mouth. 

                “Ih gooh.” 

                “Crystal, don’t talk with your mouth full,” Amethyst reminded.

                Jasper wasn’t sure it was good.  She’d much prefer grilled chicken and a baked potato as opposed to the simultaneously crispy and mealy fry she was now trying.  “These have either changed since I was a kid or my tastes have.  However, I hope you kids enjoy this because it’ll be a long while before we eat this again…if ever.  This dinner is going to serve as a family meeting.  Amethyst?” 

                Crystal looked at her mom wide-eyed as Amethyst cleared her throat and spoke.  “My doctor says I need to eat healthier or I could get very sick and that’s not good.  So, Jasper and I talked about it and decided the easiest way for me to do that is to have the help and support of the whole family.  So, we are going to start all eating the same food.  No one is getting anything special anymore.” 

                “But what if you make onions?”  Crystal whined. 

                “First of all, I don’t like that tone.”  Amethyst held up a finger.  “Stop whining.  Secondly, then you will try them and keep trying them and on the day you turn eighteen, if you still don’t like them you don’t have to eat them ever again.”  She explained to the kids how the ‘no thank you bite’ worked.  “So, that’s how we’re doing dinner from now on.  Everyone eats the same – healthy – meal and if you don’t want it, you can leave it, but you’re not getting anything else.” 

                “Mom…Aunt Amethyst is going crazy,” Allie said. 

                Jasper looked at her and smiled.  “I’m the one who suggested this.  You shouldn’t have to worry too much, Allie.  You’re not super picky.” 

                “I don’t like eggplant…or lima beans…or…or kale…and asparagus is gross.”

                “And I’m probably the only Samoan on the planet who hates fucking coconut, but here we are.” 

                “Jasper,” Amethyst hissed. 

                “What?” 

                Crystal snickered.  “Auntie Jasper said a no-no word.” 

                “No I didn’t.” 

                “Yeah, Mom, you just dropped the F-bomb.”

                “Maybe we need a swear jar,” Amethyst suggested.  “And every time you cuss – especially in front of the kids, you have to put a quarter in the jar.” 

                “Can I just plunk twenty dollars in there and call it credit?”  Jasper asked.

                “Sure, that should get you through, oh, tomorrow.” 

                Allie laughed.  “When I was little we called it ‘Military French’.” 

                “Yeah I remember,” Jasper said.  “You’d drop something, then drop a swear and say ‘pardon my French’ because that’s how your dad pardoned himself.  Then you went to Kindergarten and told the whole class you spoke French.  So, we told you it was ‘Military French’ and could only be spoken in a military household.”  She looked at her sister.  “And to be fair, Bismuth was far worse than I was.  However, I will try and watch my goddamn mouth.” 

                “Try again,” Amethyst told her. 

                “My damn mouth.”

                “Almost there.”

                Jasper put on a fake, prissy accent.  “I will strive not to pepper my language with what I like to call ‘sentence enhancers’.” 

                The next morning, she would find a glass jar on the counter labeled: Sentence Enhancement Jar.  Just to fuck with her sister, Jasper put a twenty inside.

*

                Amethyst eased into healthy eating with foods the girls were more familiar with, starting the next evening with grilled chicken, potatoes with herbs on them and green beans.  It was as the next couple of weeks progressed that ‘no thank you’ got thrown around on the table.  One evening, Allie pushed aside her cooked celery that accompanied a pot roast.  “I like crunchy celery better.” 

                Jasper considered this.  “If you would like, you can get some celery sticks from the fridge as an alternative.”

                Brussels sprouts were not a huge hit with anyone, though Jasper and Amethyst ate them to set a good example, though they were covered liberally with garlic salt to mask the taste, which Crystal compared to stinky socks.  “How many stinky socks you been eating?” Amethyst asked.

                Crystal, did however, find it funny later when the Brussels sprouts gave everyone gas and giggled every time someone farted.  “We are not making that again until farts are no longer funny,” Jasper told her sister. 

                “Agreed.”

                It was then Amethyst got into vegetables the girls hadn’t really tried yet, such as adding artichoke hearts to the salad one night, which Allie picked off after a polite ‘no thank you’, but Crystal wolfed down before asking for her cousin’s leftovers.  The night they ate asparagus, which Allie loved and Crystal wrinkled her nose at, Jasper noticed her daughter add a quarter to the jar.  “What did you say?” 

                “You never told me that stuff makes your pee stink, so I was in the bathroom and said ‘oh, shit – gross’.  And I just said it again.”  Allie sighed and plopped another quarter on top of the money already in there, which included almost a hundred dollars of ‘credit’ from Jasper.  “What are we going to do with this money?  Donate it to charity?” 

                “Fuck no.”

                “Mom!” 

                “It’s okay – I have some credit left.  I guess when the jar is full we’ll have a family meeting about it.” 

                “We should go to Disneyland!”  Crystal chimed in.

                “Um…I’m not sure there will be enough for that,” Jasper told her. 

                “With how much you swear, you may as well take us now,” Allie laughed. 

                “Yeah, let me just transfer that money over from my Swiss bank account.”  Jasper rolled her eyes.  She wished she had the money to take them on vacation, but as it was, she was still saving for Allie’s braces.  She knew payments were an option, but she wanted to pay it all up front.  “Hey Allie, you lost that baby tooth yet?” 

                “No.  I keep wiggling it, but it won’t come out.” 

                Actually, Jasper suspected she was not wiggling it to try and hold off on braces as long as possible.  “I’ll get it out of there.” 

                “No!”  Allie covered her mouth. 

                However, the next night, Amethyst said that a vacation might not be a bad idea.  “I mean, not Disneyland – we can’t do that – but we could drive to the beach.  Oh, we could visit Peridot and Lapis.”

                “Oh, that’ll be fun.”  Jasper’s voice dripped with sarcasm.  “With a screaming baby and a constantly barking dog.  Let’s start taking bets on how many times Peri screams ‘Pumpkin!’”

                “Or we could go to Empire City.” 

                “We’ve been to Empire City.” 

                “Capital City!”  Allie suggested.  “There’s museums and so many historical sites.” 

                “What would Crystal do?”  Jasper asked.  “Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great idea, but she’s not going to be impressed by a museum for long.” 

                “We could go to the park!”  Crystal bounced in her chair.  “The one further away with the bumpy slide!”

                “Um…we could go there tomorrow,” Amethyst told her.  “For free.”

                It was after the girls were asleep that Amethyst told Jasper a secret.  “Tubaz is taking Crystal to Disney World for a week, well, him and his wife and their kids – the whole family is going.  I haven’t told her yet.” 

                “Is it wrong that I’m jealous of a five-year-old?”

                “No…I am too, but I guess I’m just grateful they have the money to do things like this with her.  I mean, my books sell okay, but I know paychecks are inconsistent and maybe I should get a better job…like a more stable one.” 

                Jasper nodded.  “At least when you do get a paycheck, it’s a good one.  You could look into going back to school.” 

                “What about you?” 

                “What about me?”  Jasper scoffed.  “I’m going to be forty-one this year.  It’s a little late.” 

                “I know you’re in good shape and you like personal training, but what if you injure yourself?  What about when you’re sixty?  With all the help you’re giving me in eating healthy, I think you’d make a great nutritionist.”

                Jasper had never really considered getting old.  Yes, she was aging, but she didn’t have aches and pains – not often anyway.  However, Amethyst had a point – anything could happen.  If she blew out her knee tomorrow and couldn’t be physically active anymore, she had nothing to fall back on.  She’d always told herself she was ‘too old’ and it was ‘too late’, but was it really?  Her GI Bill would still cover college if she chose to go and even if she wasn’t working, if Amethyst got a job between that and Jasper’s retirement pay, they’d be okay for a few years.  “Well, no promises, but I guess it wouldn’t hurt to look into it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...not a whole lot of plot progression in this one, but trust me - it's definitely set the stage for things going down in future chapters. ;)


	18. Fireworks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Con season is upon us again, which means not as much time for writing, but have the next chapter.

** Chapter 17 - Fireworks **

                The buzzing stopped leaving a stinging around her belly button signaling the end of the process as Adam wiped away the excess ink.  “There…you’re done.” 

                Her sides burned as the fresh ink settled into the fresh wounds that stretched up to her waist.  She exhaled, the six-week ordeal finally over.  Uncle Sua circled the table, his eyes tracing the design Adam had marked on her skin.  Being a man of few words, he simply spent a few moments evaluating his son’s work before smiling and giving him a nod of approval.

Adam rubbed an ointment into her skin and covered it with plastic wrap.  “Keep that on for a few hours at least.” 

                “I think I got it.”  The men gave her a few moments of privacy so she could remove the drape covering her most private area and put her sweatpants back on, but before she got dressed, she took a look at herself in the mirror, the design visible even through the plastic.  She turned, noticing the design at the middle of her back and reflecting on how the boat represented a journey.  This had been a journey…her whole life had been and it wasn’t over yet.  There were lines that represented waves – oceans crossed to foreign lands and back home again, storms and calm seas.  Some looked like shark teeth, which made her recall all the dangers she had faced…and had conquered, though they left scars.  The curved area that climbed up her hips embodied mountains, high hills that she’d had to climb.  There was a braided motif calling to mind all the people she was inter-connected with – her family, her friends…people she loved.  She took a breath.  “Well, what do you think, Jameela?” 

                Her alter-ego stood stark naked in her mind, turning in front of a mirror.  _I feel…powerful…confident…almost complete._

                “Almost…”  If she could figure out Jameela’s exact place in her life.  She’d been fairly silent lately, but Jasper wasn’t sure if this was because she needed her less and less.  Could it be that she was slowly accepting Jameela enough that they someday would be one complete person?  “…complete.” 

                She pulled her sweatpants on and covered up her sports bra with a t-shirt before leaving the privacy of the back and entering the main tattoo shop. 

                Her father put an arm around her shoulders.  “I’m so proud of you.  You didn’t make a sound the entire time.” 

                “Truthfully, you’re one of the few not to,” Uncle Sua commented.  “At least of those born here.”  He grunted as though amused.  “The Faasoo boy – the oldest one – he cried.”

                Jasper raised an eyebrow.  “Really?”  She had to fight back laughter.  Tani had actually _cried_?!  “That’s um…that’s unfortunate.” 

                “I was surprised he finished it.”

                Adam chuckled a little.  “Just remember in a couple of weeks when everything is nice and healed, we have an appointment for pictures.” 

                “Right.”  Jasper shook his hand.  “Thank you so much.”

                Once in the car, on the way home, her father turned to her.  “You’re not really going to let him take naked pictures of you, right?” 

                “Well, they’re not really naked.  I mean, I have so much skin covered I may as well be wearing pants.  Besides, he’s said that certain areas will be concealed.” 

                “I just worry…after that last guy.” 

                Jasper had never heard a word from Alabaster after they broke up, nor had her pictures ever surfaced anywhere.  Besides, from what Tubaz had told her, Alabaster had more important worries on his mind.  “He was doing it because he’s a pervert.  Adam is taking photos to show off his art.  It seemed as though Uncle was impressed, so Adam will probably start tattooing more _pe’a_ and he’ll need examples of his work to show potential customers.”

                 “I suppose that’s true.  When we get home, your mother, sister and the girls have a surprise for you.” 

                “I hope it’s not a surprise like dinner the other night.”  Allie had recently overheard Amethyst say it would be a cold day in hell before she’d ever eat tofu.  “So, I think ‘oh, Allie’s being sweet and wants to make dinner – awesome’.” 

                “That was very nice of her.” 

                “No, it wasn’t – you want to know what that little shit did?  She made Thai tofu coconut curry and as she’s scooping it onto our plates she says: ‘don’t forget to take your no-thank-you-bite’.” 

                Her father gave a hearty laugh.  “What sass!  She’s your daughter alright!” 

                “I honestly wasn’t sure whether to be annoyed or proud.  Of course, Amethyst and I had to set a good example, so we ate it.” 

                “And did you like it?” 

                Somehow, Allie had cooked the tofu to be a little crispy on the outside and the coconut milk in the sauce offered a slightly sweet hint to the mildly spicy dish.  Everyone seemed to enjoy the rainbow of vegetables she’d incorporated, even Crystal, who had not only cleared her plate but asked for more.  “It wasn’t horrible.”

                “Your mom says Allie has a gift in the kitchen.” 

                “She doesn’t get it from me.  I mean, I can cook more than just pasta now, but my crock pot is my best friend.  Well, aside from Ames who does most of the cooking.”  Jasper pulled the car into the driveway.  “I always thought Allie got it from Bismuth, but I can’t deny she takes a lot after her grandmothers.”

                 “I see quite a bit of her mother in her, too.” 

                This pleased Jasper as she got out of the car and headed into the house with her father who announced that they were back.  Her mother hugged her and smiled.  It seemed to be a good day for her today with little in the way of confusion.  “In my village – well, in all villages – when a young man…person…finished their _pe’a,_ we would celebrate with food and gifts.  The whole family would gather and we’d rejoice.” 

                It was then the unmistakable smell of Jasper’s favorite food found her nose and she inhaled deeply.   Her stomach rumbled because although it was a little early for dinner, she had missed lunch.  “You made ribeye?” 

                “With baked potato and grilled asparagus.”

                “And we have a special surprise for dessert,” Crystal said excitedly.  “It’s rocky road ice cream!” 

                Amethyst shook her head.  “Still working on the concept of ‘surprise’.” 

                Allie held up a wrapped box.  “I helped Grandma make this for you.  I hope you like it.”

                Jasper was about to rip into the wrapping when she realized she could just lift the lid off the box and inside lay a folded garment.  She pulled out the orange two-piece dress with a white floral pattern on it.  “You made me a _puletasi_?” 

                “I thought it was about time you had one, though I made the top slightly shorter than normal so you can wear it with jeans or a different skirt if you want.  Amethyst made one for herself too,” her mother told her. 

                Amethyst laughed.  “Yeah, except with all this healthy eating, I had to cinch the waist in a bit.”

                “Not a bad problem to have,” Jasper pointed out.  She inspected the top and then noticed the familiar shape of the neckline adorned with a beaded pattern she would have recognized anywhere.  “Is this…?” 

                “Grandma couldn’t get the paint out of your shirt,” Allie said.  “But, we had the idea to use the beaded part in the dress.” 

                Her mother put a hand on her shoulder.  “I know you had all sorts of adventures in that tank top of yours, but now, you can still carry them with you as you make new memories when you wear this _puletasi_.”

                A lump rose in her throat, but she swallowed it down.  _Keep it back, Jasper, you don’t cry over shit like this_ , she told herself. 

                Jameela, however, was already wearing the dress in her mind, turning in front of the mirror and wiping her eyes.  _This is so beautiful!  And Mom and Allie made it just for me._  

                Of course, Jasper would have to wait to try it on to see if it fit as well as it did Jameela.  The plastic wrap felt loose on her skin and she didn’t want to risk getting ink on the dress.  “Thank you so much.”   

                She hugged the dress to her.  It represented transformation like the one she’d just gone through and she couldn’t wait to see what adventures waited for her in it.

*

                 Jasper wiped the sweat from her brow and exhaled.  “Good job, Greg!” 

                “I must be doing well if I made you sweat.”  Greg stepped off the track and took a swig from his water bottle.  “So, any exciting plans this summer?” 

                School had just ended for the year.  “No.  Allie’s going to Texas for two weeks from the end of July to early August.  She’ll spend a week at camp and a week visiting relatives.” 

                “Camp is fun.  I send Steven every year and he seems to enjoy it.”

                “Well, Bismuth’s parents are paying for it, so I couldn’t really say no.”  Jasper rolled her eyes.  “They’re very religious, so it’s a Bible camp, but I still think she’ll have a good time.” 

                “I doubt she can get in much trouble at Bible camp.” 

                Jasper laughed and stopped at the entrance to the office.  “I don’t know.  She _is_ my daughter, after all.”

                “I wanted to ask you…well, invite you to our annual neighborhood block party – you and Allie.” 

                “I’m not exactly part of the neighborhood, but yeah, I’d like that.  Unless it’s on Saturday because my parents are having an anniversary party.” 

                “No, no, it’s on the Fourth of July.” 

                Her heart thudded in her chest and she felt her smile fall. 

                “We always get together for a huge potluck and there’s games and races for the kids.  It’s been so warm and dry that private fireworks are illegal, of course…” 

                A large explosion went off in her head.  Illegal didn’t mean people still wouldn’t set them off.

                “But from where we are we have a perfect view of the show the city puts on…” 

                “I’m sorry, I can’t!”  Jasper’s voice came out a little too rushed, too panicked. 

                Disappointment clouded his eyes, but he nodded, a smile still plastered on his face.  “You probably have other plans already.  That’s okay.” 

                “Yes…other plans…”  Taking a powerful tranquilizer and spending the night practically comatose counted as ‘other plans’, right?  “So sorry.” 

                “Well, I’ll see you next week then.”  He gave a polite nod and walked out of the weight room.

                Jasper retreated into the office where she tossed her clipboard onto the desk with a clatter, startling Garnet.  “Why am I such a wimp?!” 

                “What happened?” 

                “Greg invited me to a Fourth of July party…thing.  I can’t stand the holiday.”  She leaned back in her chair and heaved a sigh.  “There was a time I loved fireworks…”

                “But the noise bothers you?” 

                She nodded.  “I get panic attacks and flashbacks.  The year I was pregnant with Allie I couldn’t take anything, so I wore earplugs, but even that wasn’t enough.  My husband held me while I sat on the couch a sobbing mess late into the night…until it was over.  He didn’t like them either.  I still remember feeling his fingers trembling as he hugged me, but it wasn’t quite as bad for him.” 

                “It’s understandable.  You’ve had experiences most of us haven’t.” 

                “I know.  Unfortunately, because of my fear, there’s one thing Allie has never experienced and that is a Fourth of July celebration.  My family just doesn’t do anything for it.  It’s just another day…well, sort of.  I mean, usually if it’s one loud noise – a car backfiring or something dropping in the kitchen, I can handle it, but fireworks just sound like a war zone to me.”

                Garnet folded her hands in front of her.  “I think Greg would understand your reasoning.” 

                “Maybe…”  The rest of the day, Jasper tried to think of ways to get around it, but all she could think about was the pill she’d recently picked up from the pharmacy that she’d take the evening of the holiday.  _God, I wish I could just agree to go and have fun._  

                _Do it_ , Jameela said.  _No balls._

                “I wasn’t talking to you.”  Thankfully, she was now in the car on the way home and didn’t have to worry about people overhearing her talk to ‘herself’. 

                _Well, I am you and I think you should go._   Jameela reclined, her _puletasi_ vibrant against the white couch.  _You just got a tattoo to show how brave you are and you can’t stand a little BOOM!_

                She gripped the steering wheel so tight her knuckles turned white.  “You weren’t there!” 

                _Wasn’t I?_

                She and Jameela were one in the same.  Perhaps she hadn’t recognized her as Jameela at the time, but she _had_ been there all the same.  “What do you want me to do?” 

                _Go over there._

                “Excuse me?” 

                _Go to Greg and tell him why you’re afraid.  Then say, despite your fear, you’re willing to give it a try._

                “Go there unannounced?” 

                _Yes.  And put some lipstick on for fuck’s sake._

                “Jameela, it’s me.” 

                _Lip gloss?_

                “Try again.”

_At least pop some gum in your mouth, bitch._

                “For what?  It’s not like I’m going to kiss him.” 

                _Your breath still smells like raw fish._

                Jameela had a point.  Jasper put two pieces of peppermint gum in her mouth to freshen her breath as she drove to Greg’s house.  Was she really going to do this? 

                Yes.  He deserved an answer…a reason.

                Greg answered almost as soon as she knocked on the door.  “Jasper, this is a surprise.” 

                “Sorry…I should have called first.  Um, I didn’t really get a chance to explain why I said no.” 

                “You don’t have to.  If the answer is no then it’s a no and I respect that.” 

                _It’s a block party, not sex_ , she thought.  Though, it was good to know he had that mindset.  “I feel I do owe you an explanation.”  Jasper sat beside him on the porch bench.  “You know I’ve been to war…fireworks sound almost exactly like bombs.  Some of the crackly ones even sound like gunshots.  It brings back a lot of memories full force for me.  Memories of seeing my fellow soldiers – my friends – my brothers and sisters – being shot…dying.  One particular battle was really gruesome and I don’t think you want me to go into details…”

Greg put a comforting hand on her arm.  “If you want to tell me, go ahead.” 

“It was really dark…I could hear gunfire all around me.  My sergeant was barking orders at us trying to hold the enemy off.  I don’t know if it was a bomb or a grenade, but something exploded near me knocking me off my feet.  I hit my head; my ears were ringing and everything seemed blurry.  Before I lost consciousness, I heard another bomb go off and I was…sp-splattered with…something…wet and soft.  I felt something plop onto my stomach right before I went out.  I was told later my command thought I was dead.  They thought the bomb had ripped me open.  It wasn’t until they picked me up that they realized…it was someone else’s intestines on me.  There were twelve of us in my unit when we went out that night…two of us came back…me and Sergeant McCoy.”

“You mean…the man who…”

“Yeah.  Trust me, I often wondered why.  Oh, he got his eventually; he was killed in battle the following year, but at the time I was mad…so many wonderful people that I had been talking and laughing and joking with just that morning…I’d never see them again.  They tell you to put all your personal feelings aside and I did for a long time.  Just like with other things in my life, I rarely think about it.  However, when I hear the fireworks…they don’t sound like celebration to me…”

                He nodded in an understanding manner.  “After thinking about it, I figured that might be the reason and I thought about a potential solution.” 

                “I’ve tried earplugs and music and…”

                “Have you tried music with noise cancelling headphones?” 

                “Bismuth used to have a pair.  I tried them the year Allie was born and I could still hear everything.” 

                “But you said your daughter is eleven now, so that was old technology.”  Greg stood and motioned for her to follow him into the house.  “Hey Stuball, turn up that video game as loud as you can.” 

                Steven looked over from where he sat on the couch, his eyebrow raised in suspicion.  “You’re always telling me to turn it down.” 

                “Now I want you to turn it up.”  Greg plucked a pair of headphones off the table and plugged them into an Mp3 player.  He raised his voice as the volume increased from in the living room.  “This should be at a comfortable listening level, but if not…”

                “I’m familiar with these.”  Jasper placed the headphones over her ears and they instantly drowned out most of the sound from Steven’s video game.  However, it appeared to be something with happy music and colorful backgrounds as opposed to anything with guns and bombs.  Suddenly, the upbeat sounds of a string instrument found her ears and she heard Greg’s voice singing. 

_I know I’m not that tall…I know I’m not that smart…_

_But let me drive my van into your heart…_

_Let me drive my van into your heart!_

                She raised an eyebrow and looked at him.  His mouth opened wide and though she knew he was laughing, it was completely silent to her as the song continued.

 _I know I'm not that rich…I'm trying to get my start…_  
So let me drive my van into your heart…  
Let me drive my van into your heart!

                Greg grabbed two pans from the cabinet and banged them together hard enough that she should have been able to hear them, but the headphones apparently were doing their job.  Jasper found herself laughing. 

                _Stop it!_   Jameela shouted over the music.  _You probably sound like a hyena!_

                Steven stood in the entryway saying something.  Jasper removed the headphones and noticed the TV was back down to a regular volume. 

                “Nothing much, kiddo, just showing Jasper my new headphones.” 

                “Adults are weird,” Steven commented as he returned to the living room. 

                “We know the city’s fireworks start at ten, so I thought I might put together a compilation of patriotic music so you can enjoy the show.”  Greg took the headphones from her and set them down.  “I can’t do anything if others decide to break the law and set off their own fireworks, but I can assure you that in this neighborhood, it’s always been banned by the homeowner’s association, so hopefully there will be none nearby.” 

                Jasper took a deep breath.  Her heart still pounded inside her chest, but she realized Jameela had a point.  She had to be brave and face her fear.  Plus, Allie would finally have a real Fourth of July holiday.  “Okay.  I’ll do the block party.”   


*

                Jasper stood in front of the mirror admiring herself in the _puletasi_ as she put a flower clip in her pulled back hair.   She was amazed her mother was able to get it to hug her body perfectly without her ever trying it on.  It hid what Adam had taken photos of just that morning.  She’d been incredibly nervous about the photo session after the incident with Alabaster, but Adam was professional all the way.  He’d covered her most personal areas with flowers, which he said would accent her femininity and offset the masculine tattoos.  He’d told her at the end he had some editing to do on the background so it didn’t look a tattoo shop, but she’d been impressed at what she’d seen on the screen of his camera.  She appeared strong…desirable…but there between her eyes was a small wrinkle from furrowing her brow together and she could see the delicate laugh lines starting to show by her mouth.  Even though the tattoo covered them, she knew where her stretch marks were.  Still, it was all her, not idealized, but that confidence exuding from her expression made her think of Jameela.  “Don’t do any editing on my body.”

                “I wouldn’t dream of it,” he’d said.  “You’re striking.” 

                 She’d signed a waiver for him to use the photos in his portfolio and on his website.  However, now she wondered what the other members of the community might think. 

                “You’re not dancing in that, are you?”  Amethyst asked as she entered wearing a similar dress in purple. 

                “No, Auntie is bringing a _taualuga_ outfit.” 

                “Which one?” 

                Jasper chuckled.  “Carnelian’s mom – our actual auntie.”

                “Nelly had better be there,” Amethyst said, referring to their cousin by her nickname.  “It’s been way too long.”

                “Well, she lives in Empire City and she’s married with a new baby, so I imagine she’s busy.”  Jasper put another flower clip in her hair and then looked at Amethyst.  “In these colors we look like popsicles.”

                “But very cute popsicles.”

                The party was held in the church function hall where, before the festivities began, everyone sat quietly as a priest led her parents in a vow renewal.  Watching them hold hands and gaze at each other with so much love after five decades together made Jasper wonder if she’d ever find love like that again. When she and Bismuth had spoken their vows, she honestly believed they’d make it.  Despite the dangers of their jobs and the chance that anything could happen, it was one day where the optimistic side of her took over and the only future she could see was the two of them growing old together.  It had been a day where the promise of tomorrow shone brightly. 

                And yet, her parents, in their golden years, even knowing that they didn’t have much time before her mother’s mind really started deteriorating, knowing that they both had health problems and at this age, each day, each moment was a gift, they still offered each other their love and devotion. 

Beside her, Amethyst sobbed and blew her nose loudly into a tissue.  Jasper fought the urge to roll her eyes.  Her sister had cried her way through Peridot and Lapis’ wedding too.  Jasper felt she had only been invited because she had a daughter the right age to be a flower girl.  She supposed it was sweet and touching as her parents shared a kiss completing the ceremony.  Allie breathed a small ‘yuck’ from the seat on Jasper’s other side. 

“Such a fuss for only forty-some-odd years together,” her mother commented later as the family was seated at the head table for the party.  She looked over at Jasper.  “That is a lovely dress.  Where did you get it?” 

“You made it, remember?”  Jasper said gently.  “Allie helped you.” 

“Right.” 

Her father squeezed her mother’s hand before standing and tapping a knife against his glass to get the attention of the room.  “Welcome…friends…family…everyone who knows us and knows I’m much for speeches.  However, on this, our fiftieth anniversary, I suppose I should say a few words.  When I was a young man, I had a dream about spending my future surrounded by beautiful girls.” 

                “Oh my God, Dad…” Amethyst mumbled under her breath.

                “And then, I went to a small village in Samoa and saw Penina dance the _taualuga_ and from that moment on, there was only one girl I wanted in my life.  I did everything I could to win her heart because I knew – at least for me – there was no more beautiful girl in the world.  I didn’t realize as we got married and started our lives together that she would give me two gorgeous daughters who in turn would give us two lovely granddaughters.”  Her father looked to either side of himself and shrugged.  “So, in the end, I stand here surrounded by beautiful girls and it’s better than any fantasy I had all those years ago.”  He helped her mother stand and put an arm around her.  “Penina, you are the love of my life and I have a gift for you.  In October, you and I are going to take a journey back to Samoa…back to your village, the place where we met…and spend ten glorious days together there.” 

                Her mother smiled, her voice cracking as moisture came to her eyes.  “I’ve always wanted to go back.” 

                “And now we will.” 

                “Auntie Nina should make a speech!” Nelly shouted from one of the tables. 

                Jasper’s mom laughed.  “Well, I’m not really sure what to say.  When we got married, though, I told Fetuao to never lie, steal or cheat…but that if he had to, then to lie with me all the nights of my life, to steal my breath away with every kiss and to cheat death that I’d never be without him.  So far, he has and I love him now even more than I did the day I married him, if possible.” 

                Those words stayed in Jasper’s mind throughout the party.  Fifty years was a long time…she’d been prepared for it and had gotten eight.  They’d also spent a good part of those eight years separated due to their service.  She couldn’t recall a lot of bad times or fights; she mostly remembered the good.  She walked down the hall wearing the dance outfit she’d put on for her performance and tried to settle the butterflies in her stomach. 

                _We look awesome and we’re doing to dance awesome too_ , Jameela said. 

                Ah, the voice of confidence.  Jasper would like to think she was confident, but everyone’s eyes would be on her and though she remembered the steps, she knew she could never dance as elegantly as her mother. 

                _Because you aren’t elegant_ , Jameela said.  _You’re powerful.  Dance with power._

                “It’s like you were born to be a dancer,” her auntie said.  “I was able to teach Sefina, but she’s so tall and thin, she doesn’t look the part and Carnelian didn’t want to learn.” 

                Jasper felt her aunt undo some of her hair so it would flow when she moved.  The two piece outfit, made of finely woven fibers with a grass hem hugged her curves perfectly.  She ran her fingers along the neckline decorated in a red pattern and accented with shells. 

                “Don’t be nervous,” her aunt told her. 

                “Why, because I have my mother’s spirit or something?” 

                “No, because you have your own spirit.  Let her and the music guide you.  Remember the steps, but lose yourself.” 

                The last time she’d done this publicly had been at an Easter celebration shortly after she’d married Bismuth.  She remembered the look on his face when she’d completed the performance…and how passionately he’d kissed her. 

                Her aunt led her out onto the dance floor and gave her a small, encouraging push as she took her place in front of everyone and the chanting of music surrounded her.  Jasper took a breath and began sliding her feet along the smooth floor, moving her hands in a way that told a story.  She saw in the eyes of her elders a desire for a place they’d once called home…a longing for the past and a surge of cherished memories.  Younger eyes looked at her with a yearning for things they’d only ever heard of…or seen from a distance.  Some of the girls smiled in adoration at the beauty of her movements.  She was a link, she realized.  Her parents, aunties and uncles had brought these traditions – their dances, food, language, the importance of family  – and passed them down to their children.  Now it was her turn to teach and influence. 

                The music picked up, the sound of drumbeats and chanting more frenzied now as she moved faster across the floor her hair fanning out behind her.  Jasper found her lips parting in a smile as she remembered she indeed had her own spirit and instead of possessing her, Jameela merged with her again as she’d done before in absolute sorrow.  However, this time, it was joy – unbridled elation at being one with the music, with her people, with those who had come before her.  What Jameela was mattered little now…in fact, it didn’t matter at all because she knew – they were one in the same as her hips swayed back and forth and she moved her arms in such a way as to call to mind both the beauty and power of the ocean waves. 

                Jasper stopped as abruptly as the music did, giving a bow to an audience stunned into silence at first but who then thanked her with thunderous applause.  Some people threw money onto the floor, as was customary to show their appreciation and someone from the back yelled an enthusiastic: “Cheeeeeehoo!”

                Jameela spun back into her place within Jasper’s consciousness, laughing.  _Wow_! _What a rush_!

                She looked at the head table where her mother stopped her clapping to wipe away tears.  It was then she felt a small hand on her leg and realized Crystal was standing beside her.  “Auntie Jasper…you were really good.” 

                “Thank you.” 

                “Can you teach me?” 

                “Of course.”

                It was as she changed back into her _puletasi_ that she wondered again exactly what Jameela was.  Clearly, she represented something feminine that Jasper normally didn’t display for the world to see.  She was Jasper’s confidence as well or so it seemed.  Her spirit?  Perhaps, but couldn’t she be strong and graceful?  Couldn’t she be muscular and feminine?  Beauty and brawn?  All she knew was in the occasions where she and Jameela merged there was a sense of completion that brought a peace to her soul she longed to feel again.  Except then Jameela wasn’t there; they weren’t separate, but together and she worried that if they weren’t apart, she’d lose her alter-ego’s guidance.  She sighed as she lovingly draped the dance outfit over her arm and left the bathroom. 

                “Hey, Jasper.” 

                A groan escaped her throat.  “Fuck off, Tani.”

                “Whoa, hey, look, I know maybe I come off a little strong…”

                “You come across as an oafish pig.”

                He stood in front of her.  “Okay, but hear me out.  So, your parents love that they have so many girls in the family, right?  But they don’t have a grandson.  I think if we hit it off, we could give them that.” 

                Jasper shook her head.  “That…is not going to happen.” 

                “But…but here’s the thing, my parents would love that too.  Look at us, I mean, we’re a little older, but plenty of people our age have kids.” 

                “Yeah…um…I can’t have kids.” 

                “You’re forty, right?  That’s not too old.” 

                “No, I actually don’t have the necessary parts,” she told him bluntly.  “There were complications when Allie was born so if you’re looking for a Palamo girl to have a baby with, try Amethyst.  And for the record, my parents did have a grandson.  His name was Michael.”  She could still feel the weight of him, so light and small – able to fit in the palm of her hand, but a person, nonetheless, with the right amount of fingers and toes and facial features and eyes that might have turned out to look like his father’s if he hadn’t been born much too early.   

                Tani was silent for a moment.  “I…didn’t realize you had other kids.” 

                “Because you’re not really interested in me.  You’re interested in the idea of me and in having sex with me, but you don’t know anything about me or my life or my past.  And if you are interested in knowing, you’re going about it the wrong way.”

                He nodded solemnly, accepting her words.  “I guess I haven’t exactly been a gentleman either.” 

                “I’m not sure I’m looking for one of those, but I am looking for more than just sex.  I’m looking for a relationship like the one I shared with my husband…one that will hopefully end in an anniversary party just like this when we’ve been together fifty years.”  She checked the math in her head.  That would put her in her nineties…well, if anyone in her family was going to live to be ninety, she’d bet on herself.

                “I understand.   You know, I’d be all for adoption.”  

                Jasper gave a short laugh.  “The answer is still ‘no’, Tani.  I’m sure in your own way you have something special to offer to the right woman, but I’m not her.” 

                Tani smiled sadly.  “I hope you find the man you’re looking for.  He’ll be a lucky guy.” 

                As she watched him walk away, she hoped the same thing, but for all her previously whore-ish ways, Jameela flopped down on her couch and said: _Eh, you don’t need a man._  

                _It would be nice_ , Jasper replied. 

                _Nice, but don’t forget how strong you are on your own.  You got this, girl.  Whatever it is, you got this._

*

                “I’m so excited,” Allie told her mom as they walked up the street towards tables that were set out with all sorts of dishes piled on them waiting to be devoured. 

                “Okay, just don’t spill that potato salad.” 

                “Why did we bring potato salad anyway?” 

                Jasper shrugged after taking the container from her daughter and placing it on one of the tables.  “Because it’s American…I guess.”

                “Actually,” a girl’s voice said.  “Potato salad was likely invented in Germany, as was the hot dog or, as it’s known there, a…” she dropped her voice, “…wiener.”

                Allie giggled as Jasper gave her a soft smack on the arm to tell her to stop, though Jasper probably would have found the word funny too when she was eleven.

                “Connie, that’s a terrible word – wiener,” said a woman who was obviously the girl’s mom. 

                The girl extended her hand toward Allie.  “Connie Maheswaran.  How old are you?  I’m twelve and three quarters.” 

                “I’ll be twelve next month.  I’m Allie and this is my mom.” 

                “Oh, you’re Jasper.  Steven’s told me about you.”  Connie shook Jasper’s hand.  “It’s nice to meet you ma’am.”  She must’ve noticed Jasper’s raised eyebrow.  “Should I not call you ‘ma’am’?  I meant it respectfully, but I know it makes some women feel old…not that you’re old.” 

                Jasper laughed heartily.  “Young lady, I’ve been a ‘ma’am’ since I was eighteen.  It’s just not often I run into such well-mannered children.” 

                Her mother smiled and introduced herself as _Doctor_ Priyanka Maheswaran.  “So, I haven’t seen you around the neighborhood,” she said as the girls ran off to find Steven.  “Are you new?” 

                “Actually, Greg invited me.” 

                She nodded.  “He’s a nice guy and Steven’s a good kid.”

                “Hey, Jasper, you made it!”  Greg flashed a smile as he approached her.  He was wearing a shirt with red, white and blue letters that said: ‘I don’t do cardio because these colors don’t run.’ 

                Jasper had chosen a more subtle black tank top with the flag printed on it, but snickered at his and poked him in the chest.  “Just for that shirt, I’m making you run two miles next week.”

                “You hungry?  There’s plenty of food.” 

                She surveyed the choices, none of which were particularly healthy, though there was a fruit platter.  She inhaled the smell of meat sizzling on a nearby grill and couldn’t remember the last time she’d ever had a hot dog. 

                Allie ran up to her.  “Mom, can I please have a root beer?  Please, please, pleeeeaaaase?” 

                Jasper normally didn’t allow Allie to have soda.  Even on special occasions, she tried to steer her daughter away from the empty calories, but today was a holiday and her first Fourth of July party ever.  “I’ll tell you what, Allie.  Today is a cheat day – you want a root beer, go for it.” 

                “Yes!  I’m gonna go root beer crazy!” 

                “Um…maybe just one or two…” Jasper called after her as she ran back to a group of kids.  “Oh well, if she ends up drinking seven of them like I did one year and gets sick, then that’s on her.”

                “I take it you used to like the Fourth.”  Greg passed her a paper plate. 

                She grabbed a bun from a plastic bag.  “I loved it.  I miss the barbeques and the large parties like this.  We used to get our neighborhood together every year.”  She speared a hot dog with a plastic fork and put it on her plate.  “I remember the kids setting off little fireworks and sitting on my dad’s shoulders to watch the big ones.  The year before I went off to boot camp, I bought a gross of those Saturn rockets – you know the ones that have twenty-five individual firecrackers in a block – and set them all off at once.” 

                “How in the world did you manage that?” 

                Jasper laughed as she squirted ketchup on her hot dog.  “I arranged them in a rectangle then wound toilet paper between the rows and doused it in lighter fluid.  My mom thought I’d end up hurting myself and my dad said if I did he was going to laugh.  My heart was beating so fast watching them all go off one after another, just a huge, loud bright display of patriotism.  The pavement in the cul-de-sac was scorched for months, or so I was told.”

                They sat at a nearby table, briefly greeting other neighbors before Greg continued their conversation.  “And then you came back?” 

                “Well, after my first deployment I still enjoyed them.  When I first shipped out, women weren’t allowed in combat, so I was part of the military police and didn’t see any action.  It was after my second deployment that the fear set in.  I started…just freaking out…in the middle of the fireworks display.   My dad took me into the house and tried to get me to calm down.  I just remember sobbing and him giving me tequila and benedryl.  I fell asleep on the couch, but he stayed with me all night, just sitting there on the floor holding my hand.” 

                “It sounds like your dad is a great guy.” 

                Jasper smiled.  “He is.” 

                “So, you’re nervous about tonight?” 

                “If…if I can’t handle it…” 

                “I’ll bring you in my living room and sit with you all night.” 

                She popped open the top of her Coca-Cola as she felt her face grow warm.  Greg was a very nice, decent guy and she had no doubt he meant it, though, as he smiled at her.  They spent time mingling with his other neighbors and keeping an eye on their kids from a comfortable distance while the sun dipped down and the stars sparkled one by one in the sky.  Close to ten, as darkness fell completely over the neighborhood, everyone settled down on blankets in someone’s lawn, watching toward a hill where she remembered the fireworks coming from years ago. 

                “You ready?” Greg asked  

                Jasper accepted the headphones and Mp3 player from him.  “Terrified.” 

                “I’m right here.” 

                She looked over at Allie, Steven and Connie sitting on the grass chattering away excitedly.  Allie paused to take a sip of what had to be her fifth root beer by now.  A colorful light crackled and popped in the sky softly signaling the beginning of the show.  With trembling fingers, Jasper placed the headphones over her ears and pressed a button on the device.  The fanfare of instruments found her ears as the only sounds she heard was the notes of the national anthem.  She felt her pounding heart slow as the colors appeared in the sky but she couldn’t hear the explosions and she felt her lips curve up into a smiled.  She turned her attention back to her daughter and saw Allie bounce a little with excitement as her lips formed a ‘wow!’.  In that moment Jasper recalled that when she was a child watching the show with her father, her eyes were on the fireworks, but his were on her.  He’d asked her if she was scared, to which she replied she wasn’t.  He’d chuckled and patted her on the back saying: “That’s my brave girl.” 

                Where had that confidence gone…that fearlessness she’d had when she was young?  She used to jump off swings and skateboard up ramps and dive from the high diving board into a pool when she was little.  That’s when she realized something else: every year since that fateful Fourth of July when she’d felt so traumatized, she’d either drugged herself not to hear them, or heard them, but not seen them.  The strains of another patriotic melody surrounded her ears as color flashed, brightening the dark sky.  _These are fireworks_ , she told herself.  _They aren’t dangerous._  

                _I wish I could hear them_ , Jameela said.  _They sure are pretty though._  

                Jasper’s palms felt clammy and her heart raced.  She took a deep breath and released it slowly as she removed one of the headphones from her ear.  She jumped as she heard the ‘pop’ from the sky followed by crackling.  A loud ‘boom’ made her jump as multicolored flashes lit up the darkness.  Greg didn’t say anything, but she felt him gently cover her hand with his and suddenly her heart was racing for an entirely different reason.

*

                “Did you have a good time?”  Jasper asked as she drove Allie the short distance home.

                “Yeah – I’m going to the same school as Steven and Connie next year.  Connie recommended a new book series she said I have to read, so I might ask for it for my birthday.” 

                “You can, or you could go to the library and check it out for free.”

                “So, did _you_ have a good time?”  Allie waggled her eyebrows. 

                “What’s with that tone?” 

                “You know…you and Mr. Universe.” 

                Jasper laughed.  “What?  There is no me and Mr. Universe…I mean, Greg.”

                 “You were holding hands.”

                “He knows fireworks bother me.  He was just being a good friend.  That’s all we are – friends.” 

                “But weren’t you and Dad friends before you started dating?” 

                She thought back to the past and how hard Bismuth had tried to get her attention.  She recalled taking runs together where they talked, sitting together at mealtime and sharing dumb jokes they’d heard.  However, it was a bit more complicated than all that – they’d worked together and in between their first kiss and their establishment as a couple was that two months she’d spent in the prison.  “Well, I suppose we were.”

                “So, there’s hope because Steven likes you and I like his dad and his dad obviously likes you, so how do you feel about Mr. Universe?”

                Jasper turned the steering wheel, guiding the car into their driveway.  “I feel this isn’t a conversation one normally has with an eleven-year-old.” 

                “Mom, I’ll be twelve soon.  I know a thing or two,” Allie said matter-of-factly as she unbuckled and got out of the car. 

                Jasper stood outside in the warm night air for a few moments after Allie had retreated into the house.  She honestly wasn’t sure how she felt about Greg or how he felt about her.  Right now it just struck her as a rather ordinary friendship, but clearly they had a history and she’d told him things she’d never told anyone who was just a regular friend.  She swallowed hard.  Could this be how a good relationship started?  With embers that glowed slowly over time instead of heat and passion exploding like fireworks and then disappearing forever?  That certainly seemed to be the way it had happened with Bismuth and he’d been a great love in Jasper’s life.  Up until recently, she’d say he’d been her one true love.  However, she was now beginning to believe that maybe there was love after him, too…maybe her life was long enough for two great loves, be it with Greg or someone else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be prepared, guys, this light-heartedness was the calm before some upcoming storms...


	19. Loss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would suggest grabbing tissues now. You'll need them at the end.

** Chapter 18 – Loss  **

                It was that Thursday after the Fourth she got a message from a random guy on Facebook: ‘Hey, I saw your picture.  You are HAWT.’

                Jasper raised an eyebrow.  Sure, she checked her Facebook once a day but she wasn’t very active on it and her profile picture was one of her wearing sunglasses taken some random summer day.  Being lunchtime, she had half an hour to dig further into this as she opened it up on her phone and checked her notifications.  Adam Sua had tagged her in a photo.  “Fuck,” she whispered softly. 

                She hadn’t realized his ‘website’ was a page on Facebook, nor that she’d be tagged in the photos.  She clicked on the link, finding her way to his album showcasing six of the pictures he’d taken.  She prepared to be angry, but her first reaction was awe.  She knew she looked good, but actually seeing the evidence in front of her – the confidence and strength in her eyes – only made her feel better about herself.  Her favorite photo was one of her laying on the tattoo table, which had been covered in a sheet, her private area concealed with flowers, showing every muscle as she lay there serenely with her right hand behind her head.  Her left hand rested on her breast to showcase the tattoo Adam’s father had done while a flower covered her right nipple making it appropriate for Facebook.  The _pe’a_ was fully visible even with one knee bent.  She was striking, as Adam had said…sultry, but with a commanding presence.  She clicked on the album description and read:

_‘It was a pleasure to work with Jasper Cordero.  During her tattoo sessions, she told me about her service to our country and many of the hardships she’d had to endure._

_While the pe’a is a traditionally male tattoo, I decided to do my first full design for her because she embodies all the qualities of a warrior._

_She’s not only beautiful, she’s powerful, brave and if any woman deserves to wear this mark, it’s her.’_

                Jasper was touched by his words and she clicked through the photos showing the tattoo and her body from all angles.  She skimmed the comments which ranged from things like ‘ _thicc’_ and ‘ _10/10 would bang her’ to_ ‘ _nudity isn’t allowed on Facebook’_ to ‘ _someone needs to research their culture better – this is ONLY for men’_.  Finally, she read the following: ‘ _Thank you for posting these photos.  The tattoos are lovely, but I am impressed by the way you decided not to alter her or cover her in makeup.  I also have vitiligo and it’s made me incredibly self conscious and I often feel ugly.  But seeing her looking like mighty Aphrodite, not giving a care what people think of her skin makes me realize it doesn’t define me_.’

                A comment followed: ‘ _My teenage daughter has vitiligo and has been bullied for it and feels embarrassed.  I showed her these pictures and her reaction was pure astonishment.  She now thinks that her skin is unique and a mark of beauty._ ’

                She sat back in her chair.  She hadn’t honestly anticipated anyone commenting on her skin, but that first remark about it had sixty-eight follow up notes, mostly positive, though a few stating it was ugly and she should cover it up.  Well, she supposed she couldn’t win with everyone.  Perhaps she should make a statement, but she honestly wasn’t sure what to say.  Then another comment caught her eye from someone named Jack Thompson and she raised an eyebrow.  That was a name she hadn’t seen in a while.  She read: ‘ _Sgt Palamo was one of the finest soldiers I had the privilege of serving with in the Army.  These photos capture the brave spirit in her I saw all those years ago_.’

                Jasper clicked on his profile and saw his photo with a woman who was obviously his wife and three small children.  Doing a little research on his page, she saw he was still in the Army, though as a chaplain, and living somewhere in Colorado.  The last time she’d seen him, he’d been tied to a chair by the terrorists and she was facing her very imminent death.  It seemed right that he’d become a chaplain; he’d been the one in the prison who early on asked everyone if they’d been saved and the one she’d witnessed praying for all of them.  She sent him a friend request and then exited Facebook.  Yes, the photos were good, but anyone could see them and share them and she hadn’t anticipated they’d be on a public world stage for all to see.

She opened her text messages, sending a quick one to Tubaz: ‘ _Hey, if I signed a waiver for photos I had taken for this artist to use them on his website, but he didn’t specify which one, what can be done_?’

                It took a few moments for the response to come through: ‘ _I was wondering why those pictures showed up on my news feed this morning.  The answer will really depend on how the waiver was worded, but because ‘website’ is very ambiguous.  Do you have a copy of what you signed_?’

                Jasper: ‘ _Yes but it’s at home._ ’ 

                Tubaz: _‘I’ll call you tonight and we’ll go over it, but there’s likely little or nothing you can do. My guess is that the most you can do is remove the tag and ask him to take the photos off Facebook.  However, he may not be legally obligated to do so.  You could also report them but from the little I saw, they don’t violate Facebook’s terms_. _’_

                She put it to the back of her mind the rest of the day until she walked through the front door that evening.  Allie was lying on the couch, engrossed in the same show she’d been watching since that morning.  “Have you been here all day binge watching Netflix?” Jasper asked. 

                Allie paused it and looked up at her mom.  “Aunt Ames got me hooked.” 

                “Is this that _Jane the Virgin_ show?”  Jasper noticed the PG rating at the top of the screen.  From the short scenes she’d caught when Amethyst was watching it, she hadn’t noticed anything she didn’t mind Allie seeing or hearing.  “So, is she still a virgin?”

                “So far, yes. 

“Good, follow her example.”  The character on the screen turned around showing off a very pregnant belly.  “Whoa…no, never mind – bad example.  Isn’t _she_ the virgin?” 

                “Medical mistake.” 

                Jasper raised an eyebrow.  “That’s one hell of a mistake and I’d be suing someone.”  Thinking of legal action caused her to check her phone to find Tubaz hadn’t called her.  It was only a little after five and she knew he took the subway home, so it could be a while before he contacted her.  After all, he also had a family and a life.  “Well, finish this episode and then get ready for karate.” 

                 Dinner was a stew of kielbasa, cabbage and tomato, which Amethyst found a recipe for online.  It met with everyone’s approval, but didn’t make huge portions, so Jasper sat in Allie’s karate practice later on with her stomach growling and sending message after message to her brain that there was a frozen yogurt shop right next to the dojo. 

                _Her practice isn’t over for another half hour_ , Jameela reminded her. 

                _Yes,_ Jasper replied, _and we’ve gained ten pounds since leaving the Army_.  Actually, with the healthier eating lately and skipping pints of rocky road, she figured she’d lost at least a few of those based on how her clothes were fitting.  She checked her phone again, but there was only a message from Amethyst: ‘ _Have you heard from Tubaz_?’

                She typed a quick reply: ‘ _No – he was supposed to call me_.’

                And then a text from her sister that made her stomach turn to ice: ‘ _Nadima called and said he never came home_.’

                They may not have been best friends or anything, but Jasper knew Tubaz was devoted to his family and wouldn’t just disappear without good reason.  Dread entered her mind; something had to be very wrong if he hadn’t even called them.  She shot him a text asking if he was okay, and grew more concerned as she didn’t hear from him by the time she walked Allie out of the dojo.  Her phone rang as she was driving home, but the screen on the dash only gave numbers rather than names.  It wasn’t Tubaz as the area code was local, but it might be Amethyst so she pressed the button on the steering wheel to answer it.   “Hello.” 

                Her mother’s voice came from the speaker.  “Jasper!  What the hell were you thinking?”

                “Whaaaaaaaat the hell was I thinking about what?” 

                “Your photos on Adam’s Facebook!”

                “Fuck,” she whispered.  She had almost forgotten about those what with the news that Tubaz was missing.

                “You were naked!” 

                Allie piped up from the backseat.  “Mom!” 

                “I was not naked!”  Jasper protested. 

                “Putting flowers over your lilies and your purse doesn’t make you any less naked!  Naked – and the whole community’s probably already seen it!  Don’t expect to find a husband now that you’ve shown off all the goods!”

                “Lilies?”  Allie whispered.  “Purse?” 

                Whereas, Jasper had been raised with polite euphemisms, she had taught her daughter to identify body parts by their proper names.  “I don’t know.  Maybe I’ll have a bunch of single Samoan guys lined up at my door now that they know what they’re getting.”

                “Any respectful man is not going to respond to this indecency.” 

                “Understood.  I’ll await Tani’s slew of lewd text messages once he gets done beating it to my nudes.”

                “Mo-om!”  Allie started humming a familiar song and Jasper had no doubt she was plugging her ears.

                “And when the hell did you get that tattoo?!”

                Any anger or annoyance Jasper might’ve had toward her mom melted.  In her illness, her mother didn’t even remember the tattoo was incredibly recent. 

                “ _Pe’a_ is for men!  You should have consulted me!” 

                Jasper kept her voice level with a tone of understanding.  “I just got it, remember.  I completed it a couple of weeks ago.   You sewed me a new dress.”

                There was a silence on the other end, then muffled discussion as her mother talked with her father.  A huff came over the speakers.  “I’m sorry I don’t remember so well…but that aside, naked photos?  Really, Jasper?”

                “They were to showcase his work as a tattoo artist and I didn’t realize they were going on Facebook.  I thought they were going on a private webpage, not a public forum where everyone and their mother could see them.”  She steered the car onto her street.  “I’m almost home, but I’d love to see you this weekend.” 

                “I’m always up for a visit from you.” 

                “Love you, Baby Girl!”  her dad shouted from the background. 

                Jasper told her parents she loved them too and hung up before pulling into the driveway.  She ushered Allie into the house where she found a worried Amethyst pacing the floor.  “Still no news?” 

                “No.”  Amethyst sighed.  “I put Crystal to bed – no need to worry her yet.” 

                “What’s going on?”  Allie asked. 

                The sisters exchanged glances as if silently deciding whether they should tell Allie or not.  Finally, Jasper turned to her.  “This does not get to Crystal.  Tubaz never came home tonight and no one has heard from him.” 

                “Do you think he’s okay?”

                Jasper put an arm around her shoulders.  “I hope he is, but right now we don’t know any more than that, so we don’t want to say anything to your cousin until we’re sure what’s going on.” 

                “He wouldn’t abandon Crystal,” Allie said with certainty in her voice.  “He just wouldn’t do that.” 

                “I don’t think he’s abandoned anyone,” Jasper told her. “I think something must’ve happened.  We just don’t know what yet.”

                “Did his wife file a missing person’s report?  Of course, sometimes you have to wait twenty-four hours, but that’s long enough for someone to get murdered or sold into the sex trade.” 

                “The fuck do you know about the sex trade?” 

                “Aunt Ames also got me into this crime show.”  Allie put her hands on her hips.  “And that’s a quarter.”

                “Eh, I got credit.”

                “Actually, you’re like four dollars and seventy-five cents in the hole,” Amethyst pointed out.

                “Well, fuck.”  Jasper put a five in the jar.  “Okay, we don’t even know where he is or if he’s even in danger.”  She raised an eyebrow at Allie.  “And I highly doubt anyone is selling him into the sex trade.  His subway might’ve broken down and maybe they’ve fixed it and he’s on his way home right now.”

                Amethyst’s cell phone blasting a popular rap song broke their conversation.  She looked at it.  “It’s Nadima.”  She answered.

                “Allie, go upstairs.”  Jasper gently steered her toward the stairs as Amethyst yelled: “What?!” into the phone.

                “But Mom…”

                “No arguments.  I will tell you everything you need to know, but right now, go to your room.”  She watched Allie make her way up the stairs before turning her attention to Amethyst who put her phone on speaker. 

                “…preposterous!”  Nadima’s voice came over the phone.  “This is straight up racial profiling!” 

                “Did he say where they’re holding him?”  Amethyst asked.

                “Right now, a police station in the city, but there is no bail set yet, if there will be at all.  He didn’t – or couldn’t – say much on the phone, but he thinks he’ll probably be moved to an immigration detention center.”  She heaved a sigh heavy enough to be heard.  “They have to have the wrong man.  They have him confused with someone else.”  Her voice cracked as though she were about to start crying.  “I was the one who convinced him to finally apply for citizenship and now it’s backfired because they think he’s someone else… my husband isn’t and never was a terrorist.”

                Jasper’s lips silently mouthed: “Oh boy…”

                “They better expedite his citizenship papers and everything when this whole mess is cleared up,” his wife continued.  “Then we’ll sue them.  Can we sue the government?”

                “I-I don’t know.”  Amethyst sat on the couch.  “I mean, doesn’t the constitution guarantee the right to a fair trial and all that?” 

                “I think the constitution protects citizens, Ames.”  Jasper leaned forward, her elbows resting on her knees.  She couldn’t believe he’d never told his wife.  Well, part of her could, considering it was a time in his past he likely didn’t want to reflect on, but now it was coming out – the whole sordid ordeal.  Oh God, she was probably going to have to talk to someone about that again…possibly in a courtroom full of people.  At least if it was only about Tubaz, he hadn’t done anything horrible to her, but while others may have been comfortable bringing up certain delicate subjects, she viewed it as something private and didn’t air it for everyone to know about. 

                After Amethyst got off the phone, she leaned back against the couch and groaned.  “What are we going to tell Crystal?” 

                “I have no idea.  I mean, obviously the truth, but in a way she can understand that doesn’t make her dad look like a bad person.”

                “How the hell do I do that?  Tell her he’s ‘just visiting’ jail?”

                “I don’t know.”

                “Well, I have her this weekend so I have some time to think about it.  How did they even find out?” 

                “Once he applied for citizenship, they must’ve done more digging, just like he was afraid they would.  It’s possible he’s wanted in Iraq.”

                “You said he didn’t do anything bad,” Amethyst protested. 

                “Not to me.”  Jasper shrugged.  “But I don’t know much of what went on outside the room where I was kept.  I mean, I once walked in on a group of men having a meeting and it looked like they were planning some kind of attack on our military.  Tubaz was with them.  Just because he was nice to me doesn’t mean he was completely innocent.”

                 Amethyst nodded her head slowly. “But to Crystal and his other kids, he’s just their dad and in their eyes, he’s amazing.  This will completely change their perspective.”  She huffed and crossed her arms.  “Man, they have all sorts of kids books about ‘what if someone moves away’ or even ‘what if someone dies’ but nothing along the lines of ‘what if Daddy’s a terrorist’.  And the thing is, he’s not anymore, so why punish him for something he did years ago?  I mean, maybe...maybe the things he did when he was there weren’t even that bad, you know.” 

                Jasper’s mind recalled one day when Crystal was showing her dad one of her favorite cartoons on her tablet and one of the characters set off a perfectly round bomb common in animation.  He had commented real bombs didn’t look like that.  Amethyst had put in her two cents that bombs were incredibly complicated to make, probably beyond the capabilities of a cartoon mouse.  Tubaz had laughed and said: “If you can put together Ikea furniture, you can make a bomb.”

                Truthfully, though, she had absolutely no idea how deep in the organization Tubaz had been.  For all the time they spent together, for all their conversations years later, they’d never actually discussed it.  Had he really just been Akhram’s personal assistant and interpreter, or did his connections run deeper?  A chilling thought crossed her mind: what if he was still working for them? 

                Jasper climbed the stairs, trying to decide how much information she wanted to also relay to Allie.  She paused at her semi-open door when she heard her daughter talking and peeked in to see if she was on the phone.  Instead, Allie was kneeling by the bed praying aloud. 

                “…and please make sure that Tubaz is safe and not too scared.  Please make sure he comes back to us…oh, and that he’s not hurt.  I’m sure You’re busy and there’s a lot of people who need help, but he’s really nice and important to us.  And, whatever You do, God, don’t take him…Crystal still needs her dad…I know how hard it is to not have a dad…”

                This surprised Jasper, because Allie never really brought it up.  She often spoke of happy memories she had of her father, but hadn’t seen her sad over it in a very long time.  She figured having her grandpa in her life gave her that male role model she needed to look up to, and it must on some level, but no one could replace a father in her daughter’s life.  Even if Jasper married again, her husband would only be Allie’s stepfather.  She could only hope she’d find someone just as loving as Bismuth. 

                As Jasper sat on her bed later that evening, staring up at the case that held Akhram’s knife in its sheath, she let her mind wander back to that time in her life…

*

_Day Seventeen – Prison Time_

_Jasper flipped through the journal left behind after her lesson.  Whatever was written inside was of little use to her as it was in Arabic.  It could have been battle strategies or plans for upcoming attacks or a collection of recipes for all she knew.  There were no drawings to help either, just Tubaz’s neat writing perfectly inked between the lines.  He always seemed to have this journal with him and for all she knew that’s what he could be doing…journaling his thoughts and feelings.  She’d kept one for years and missed being able to get her thoughts on paper, but grabbed a forgotten pen and hastily wrote on a blank page: ‘I hate it here.  I hate him.  I hate the guard.  I need to escape’_.

                _When she was able to express her feelings, that’s when she was better able to stay in soldier mode.  She could concentrate on the task at hand, which right now, was finding a way to escape…with her men.  The sound of Akhram’s voice caused her to look toward the door. Whatever was going on, he didn’t sound at all happy.  They couldn’t find this or see what she’d written.  Quickly, she slid it under the bed and sat down on top of the blanket, her heart pounding nervously as the door banged open._

_At the time, her Arabic was so minimal, she wasn’t entirely sure what had been said, but in memory her mind translated what Akhram spat out as he entered the room.  “How could you be so careless?!  If that fell into the wrong hands…”_

_“Apologies, commander, but it won’t,” Tubaz assured him.  “I’m certain I left it here.”  However, only the pen remained on the table.  He turned to Jasper.  “Jameela, have you seen my notebook?”_

_Jasper did not steal; she was an honest person.  However, now, she had nothing and the temptation of having something – anything – that was her own was too tempting.  “No.”_

_Akhram’s demeanor changed to eerily calm and Jasper had learned that’s when he was most dangerous.  “No one else has been in here, Jameela.  Where is it?”_

_She jumped as Kawartaz slammed the door shut, but kept looking straight ahead.  “I don’t know.”_

_“I will give you one more chance to tell me before I hit you.  Where is the notebook?’_

_“Perhaps one of your men has it.”_

_“No one else has been in here!” he roared, punching her in the eye.  “Where is it?!”_

_Something told her it was not a recipe book as she held her throbbing face for a second before he backhanded her._

_“WHERE IS IT?!”_

_Jasper stayed silent refusing to answer as he screamed at her, calling her a thief and a whore.  “I am getting really tired of being called a whore…”  He punched her, raising her anger to a level she could no longer ignore.  She jumped up from the bed.  “I am not your goddamn whore!  How would you like it if I hit you?!”  Her fist connected with his nose, causing him to stumble back a few steps.  Hearing Kawartaz’s thunderous footsteps coming at her, Jasper drew her fist back and caught Akhram in the jaw hard before she was grabbed from behind and restrained.  The guard had both strong arms wrapped around her upper body in such a way movement was difficult.  “Let me go, you pig!”_

_“SHUT UP!”  Kawartaz bellowed in her ear._

_Akhram steadied himself by leaning on a chair for a moment then turned to her, his eyes dark and angry.  He unsheathed his knife and took hold of her arm.  His voice trembled with rage as he pressed the sharp side of the blade to her wrist.  He leaned in close, the rotten smell of his breath assaulting her nose.  “If you don’t tell me where it is right now, I will cut your hand off.”_

_Part of her objective as a soldier was protecting her life, limbs and eyesight.  She could not lose a hand and felt her legs shaking, threatening to give out.  “It’s under the bed.”_

_Tubaz retrieved it and flipped through the pages, stopping at what was obviously the page she’d written on and glanced at her.  “Everything’s here.”_

_Jasper sucked in a sharp breath as Akhram pressed the blade in a little more causing ruby drops of blood to appear on her skin.  “Let that serve as a warning, Jameela.  I will not tolerate thievery.  Do you understand?”  After she nodded, he shoved the knife back into its sheath and left with Tubaz trailing behind._

_Kawartaz grabbed her breast hard before shoving her to the floor and kicking her forcefully in the back.  He left slamming the door behind him._

_The next day, during their lesson, she felt Tubaz tap her knee and jumped a bit.  Not him too…she couldn’t have this happening with even more men.  She then realized it wasn’t his hand, but an object.  When she reached under the table and took it, she felt a bendable, smooth surface and a metal coil with something cylindrical inside of it and knew it was a small notebook with a pen._

_“Hide it well,” he said simply before leaving._

_She waited until he was long gone before daring to even look at it.  She had nothing of her own…not even a way to record her thoughts.  He must’ve seen what she’d written and knew it was probably better for her to vent her frustrations on paper rather than on Akhram’s face.  She flipped it open and scratched out where he’d written ‘Jameela’, penning instead: Sgt Jasper Nafanua Palamo, followed by: ‘I am not Jameela.  I am not a whore.’_

*

_Present Day_

                What little they’d discussed during the few hours he was in her room each day was all she’d known about him during those two months.  Once the door closed behind him, what he did was a mystery.  She didn’t know what his relationship was with the other soldiers.  He may have befriended them; he may have tortured them.  Opening her Facebook, she saw that Thompson had accepted her friend request and she thought to message him, but what the hell would she say?  She hadn’t seen or spoken to any of those men since the day they were rescued.  Even then, she’d only seen them briefly before she had to fight for her life.  She ran her fingers over the scar on her wrist and it came to her again…that indescribable feeling of Jameela being with her, of them merging.  It was a form of comfort to share in that pain and she could hear her own voice saying:  “He’ll be okay…he’s strong too.”

*

                Sunday morning, Amethyst claimed she wasn’t feeling well and asked Jasper to take their mom to church.  “Please…I don’t think my stomach can take the incense.” 

                “You know how I feel about church.”  However, Jasper knew how important it was to her mom. “I guess I can treat myself to Taco Bell afterwards.” 

                “Can I come?”  Allie asked. 

                “Are you interested in worshipping God or eating tacos?”

                “Both.”

                Jasper couldn’t argue with that.  “Okay, get your dress on.”

                She decided the orange _puletasi_ was a little loud for mass, so she pulled out a pair of black pants from her closet. 

                _No, wear the dress – the blue one_ , Jameela said. 

                Jasper took it out and studied it.  “You don’t think it’s too…leggy for church?”

                _It only shows off one knee, besides we have great legs._

                She had to agree as she took off her lazy Sunday clothes, put on a ‘going out’ bra and slid into the dress.  Allie appeared in the doorway, her hand reaching awkwardly behind her as she struggled with her blue Easter dress.  “Mom, I can’t get it zipped.” 

                Jasper attempted to zip it up, but it stopped right about where the band of her training bra lay across her back.  Not only that, she’d grown two inches since Easter and the dress fell above her knees now.  “I think you’ve outgrown it.” 

                “But I like this dress.” 

                “I know you do, but we’ll have to get you a different church dress before you visit your grandparents in Texas.  That white one with the sunflowers is stretchy; that should still fit.”

                “Um…not white…” Allie looked away, shuffling nervously.  “Not this week.” 

                Allie was not a dress person, just like her mom.  Jasper frowned and took the black dress with polka dots out of her closet, holding it up to her.  It would have to be taken in and hemmed, but her mom might be able to do it, along with the green one.  She really didn’t want to keep the reminders of her affair with Alabaster and both would look good on Allie.  However, this didn’t solve the immediate problem on hand.  Amethyst was shorter, but also bigger and none of her clothes would fit either.

                “Oh…I might have something!”  Allie ran off and returned moments later wearing a loose, plaid, sleeveless dress with saggy pockets.  It was open halfway down her chest showing off a black tank top.  On her feet she wore tan hiking boots.

                “No.”

                “But it’s mid-90’s grunge style…”

                “And it belongs back in the 90’s.”

                “Connie’s mom gave it to me.  She said it was a classic antique.” 

                Jasper’s eye twitched.  “A garment from the 90’s is not an antique.  An antique is over a hundred years old; that is vintage at best and you are not going out of the house – to _church_ – wearing something three decades past its prime.”

                Amethyst managed a weak laugh as she crested the stairs.  “Jasper, do I need to remind you about how Mom reacted to your lime green outfit.” 

                “We don’t need to talk about the lime green outfit…” Jasper made a slashing motion over her throat.  Memories surfaced of that loud, floral top and bright green mini-skirt.

                “The white platform sandals that went with it…tie dye T-shirts…the peace necklace…bell bottoms…” 

                “Mom!  You didn’t!”

                “Purple bell bottoms you got from Lacy’s mom…”  Amethyst snickered.

                Jasper crossed her arms over her chest.  “They were plum and they were…vintage…” 

                “And I think Mom’s exact words when you tried to walk out of the house wearing those things was ‘it’s 1995 and you look ridiculous’.” 

                “I was going through…a…thing…”

                “So am I, Mom.  This is my thing,” Allie told her.  “I think the 90’s are cool and I want to wear this.” 

                “Okay and I thought hippie culture was cool, but I never wore it to church.”

                “Fine, I’ll wear the sunflower dress, but if I bleed through it, I’ll just _die_!”  Allie stalked off toward her room.

                Jasper rolled her eyes.  “If she’s like this now, I don’t want to think what she’ll be like as a teenager.”

                “Probably a lot like you.” 

                She felt her lips pull back in a grimace.  “Well, in that case, it’s a good thing I’m going to church because prayer is going to be the only thing to help me through that…”

*

                On the way home from church, they were about a mile away from Taco Bell, her mom holding the bag when Allie piped up from the backseat:  “Mom, what is this music?” 

                “You don’t like it?  I thought you liked all things 90’s?”  She turned up the radio and started singing: “‘Am I…your fire?  Your one…desiiiiiiirrrreee?  Yes, I know, it’s tooooo laaaaate, but I want it that-a way!’”

                “For the love of God, please stop,” Allie begged. 

                Her mom tapped her hand against the bag, humming along and softly joining in: “‘Ain’t nothing but a heartache…tell me why…’”

                “‘Ain’t nothing but a miiiiistaaaaake’!”  Jasper belted.

                Allie slouched down in her seat.  “Mom, the other car is looking at us.” 

                They were stopped at a light giving Jasper the opportunity to put her fist in the air and bounce in her seat in an embarrassing dance.  “‘I never wanna hear you saaaaaayyy – I want it that-a waaaaaayyyy’!”

                “This has _got_ to be some kind of child abuse,” Allie groaned. 

                Jasper’s mother laughed.  “This song always reminds me of that movie…the one with the dancers.”  When Jasper shrugged, she continued.  “You know, Channing Tatum – you and Lacy saw it like five times.”

                She felt heat come to her cheeks.  “Oh…um…I really don’t remember.  Wait, you watched it?!” 

                “You bet I did.  That Tatum can move it and he’s so hot in that G-string, but you know your father has some pretty good moves too.” 

                “Mom!”               “Grandma!”

                Jasper shook her head and drove on as the light turned green.  “Please never mention dad and ‘G-string’ in the same sentence again.”

                “You’re the one having naked pictures taken,” Allie said. 

                “Eh?  What’s this about naked pictures?  What picture?” her mom asked. 

                Damn, if she’d forgotten, Allie had just reminded her.  “When I was finished with my tattoo, Adam took photos to show off his work.” 

                “Tattoo?  You got a tattoo?  Wait, traditional tattoo or ones that make you look like a criminal, like your sister?”

                She turned the car into the driveway.  “Yeah, Mom, so many hardened criminals have cherry tree branches on their shoulder and stars on their lower back.   Mine is traditional.”

                They headed into the house, her mom plopping the bag of tacos on the table as her father walked in.  “Fetuao, did you know your daughter has a tattoo?!”

                “Yes, darling,” he answered patiently, putting his hands on her shoulders and kissing her forehead.  “She just had a _pe’a_ done recently.” 

                “And she let Adam Sua take naked pictures of her.” 

                “I was not completely naked, to be fair,” Jasper protested as she pulled out a taco from the bag and handed it to Allie.  She then took out her phone and pulled up the photos she’d saved to her image gallery, choosing the one she thought was the most beautiful.  “See, Mom.  They’re very artfully done, like in a museum.” 

                Her mother’s eyes widened and she grabbed the phone.  “Jasper!  You didn’t have him cover you in makeup?  Everyone can see your skin!” 

                Allie peeked at the phone.  “Mom!” 

                “Allie…” Jasper’s tone held warning. 

                “You’re beautiful!”

                “What?”  She had anticipated Allie being embarrassed, but saw her daughter take the phone and flip to the next picture. 

                “You look so strong…and…and like sure of yourself.  Look at your muscles here.”  Allie turned the phone showing off a photo of Jasper from the behind, her arms raised so her back muscles were flexed and defined.  “Grandma, don’t you think they show off how gorgeous she is?” 

                Her mother took another look, seemingly calmed down.  “Of course she is; I know she is.  But she can be just as gorgeous with clothes _on_.”

                Later on, she had a word in private with her father while her mom fitted Jasper’s unwanted dresses to Allie.  “Mom seems like she’s getting worse.” 

                Her father sighed, leaning forward on the couch the same way Jasper tended to do when she was troubled.  “She has good days and bad days.  It’s important to be patient with her.” 

                “I know it’s not her fault, but it’s…” 

                “Hard?”  He smiled sadly.  “I know it is and it’s only going to get harder, but we have to remember that and she can’t help it.  She’s sick and we just have to reassure her that we’re here for her and that she’s loved.  Patience is the key.  Remember all she’s done for us, now it’s our turn to care for her.” 

                Jasper nodded.  “I mean, if you need help, Amethyst and I are here, you know.” 

                “I know.” 

                “And we’re going to visit more often…we want to spend time with both of you.”  _While we still have time_ , her thoughts finished.

                 “We would both like that.  We never get tired of seeing our girls.”  He stood up and embraced her.  “I love you, Baby Girl.” 

                “I love you, too, Dad.”

*

                “You got this!  Come on!” Jasper yelled at Greg as he did his next squat lifting a heavier barbell than he’d ever worked with.  “You can do it!” 

                “I can do it!”  He half-shouted, half groaned as he made it to his feet and almost toppled backwards. 

                Jasper caught him and the barbell, removing the heavy equipment from his hands.  “Good job.” 

                Greg exhaled and wiped the sweat from his brow.  “Whew.  You know, hard as it was, I feel like I accomplished something.”

                “You should because you did.”  She grinned. 

                “Hey, Jasper, I just wanted to say I had a great time on the Fourth…” 

                “So did I and I’m glad Allie’s made new friends.” 

                He took a drink of water.  “Me too.  I was going to take Steven and Connie to the drive-in this weekend.  Would you and Allie like to come?  We usually pop open the back of the van and sit back there with snacks.  They’re showing an animated movie and then one about pirates, nothing too scary – it’s PG.” 

                “Yeah, that sounds fun.” 

                “Cool, it’s a date.  See you then.” 

                Her heart pounded as he walked away.  A date?  Like a _date_ date?  No, that was ridiculous; people didn’t bring kids on dates.  He was hard to read and she wondered if he liked her.  Well, of course he _liked_ her – they were friends, after all.  _But does he_ like _like me_ , she asked.

                _You sound like you’re Allie’s age, geez_ , Jameela said.  _Get in to hand-to-hand combat and see if he can take you down like Bismuth did._

 _Yeah…pretty sure I can kick Greg’s ass.  He’s not nearly as in shape as Bismuth was._ Still, if Greg was interested, at least he was taking it slow and making sure they got along with each other’s kids.  That was important and none of the other men had shown any interest in getting to know Allie.  Well, there had been that one…Jasper shuddered, thankful Greg was not like that as she went into her office and pulled out her phone to quickly check it, but sat down when she saw seven missed calls from Amethyst, two from her mother, no voicemails and two texts from her sister:  

                                Amethyst: ‘ _Call me ASAP’_

                                Amethyst: ‘ _I know you’re at work, but it’s an emergency_.’

                Her very first thought was of Allie and she immediately pressed her sister’s name on the screen, speaking as soon as she picked up.  “Ames, what is it?  What happened?”

                Amethyst’s voice was thick with emotion and trembling.  “Jasps, I’m at the hospital with Mom.  You need to…you need to get here right now.”

                “What’s going on?  What’s wrong with her?”

                There was a heavy pause with only breathing on the other end.  “I’m not going to say over the phone.  We’re in the ER waiting room.” 

                “I’ll be right there.”  She quickly went to her boss’ office and told him what was going on before heading out the door and drove frantically toward the hospital. 

                _I mean…if she is gone or going, at least she remembers us_ , Jameela said. 

                “What are you?  The part of my brain that says the worst thing possible at the worst time possible?!”

                _Would she have wanted to leave knowing she was surrounded by people she knew and loved?  Or would she have wanted to go after spending years losing all her memories and facilities?_

                Jasper took a deep breath trying to stop her fingers from shaking and refusing to give into tears.  She didn’t even know what was wrong with her mom yet.  She may have simply fallen and sprained something…maybe even broken something…but maybe she would be okay.  Maybe everything would be okay. 

                _Except it won’t because she’s just going to get worse and forget you and end up in a nursing home.  Perhaps this way she’ll go with her husband and kids and grandkids with her._

                “Shut up!”  Jasper slammed on the brakes rather quickly as she pulled into a parking space.  She grabbed her purse and rushed in through the double doors.  Her family was together in a small, separated room in the waiting area.  Allie sat in a chair holding Crystal in her lap, her chin resting on her cousin’s head and tear streaks visible down her cheeks.  Ames sat beside their mother, an arm around her shoulders, her sister’s eyes shimmering under the fluorescent lights. 

                Jasper knelt down in front of her mom.  “Mom, what is it?  What’s wrong?” 

                Her mother was staring at her folded hands.  She didn’t speak or look at her daughter.  She wasn’t crying, but just gazing down as though concentrating, trying to remember something…or remember everything.  It was then Jasper realized her mother’s finger was gently rubbing against her wedding ring and there was someone she hadn’t yet seen.  “Where’s Dad?”

                Finally her mother spoke softly as though she could hardly believe the words she was saying.  “Your father had a heart attack this morning.” 

                And that familiar feeling found her…the air leaving her lungs…her stomach turning to ice and heart pounding as it prepared to crack and shatter.  She knew what was coming, but had to ask anyway – more forcefully.  “Where is he?” 

                Allie made a small noise and held Crystal tighter.  Amethyst placed a gentle hand on Jasper’s shoulder.  “Jasps…he’s gone.” 

                Her lips were trembling and her voice came out thin and windy.  “ _Gone_ gone?” 

                The tears finally escaped Amethyst’s eyes and plopped onto her shirt, darkening the fabric.  “Yeah.” 

                And once again…that disbelief.  Someone close to her was gone and she hadn’t known…or noticed.  She’d been making plans with Greg, laughing, having fun.  How could the only other man who had loved her unconditionally leave this world and she didn’t have any indication in her soul?  She remembered the gentle hug he’d given her only two days ago and now he’d never hold her again.  She fell back, her rear plopping on the tile floor as her vision blurred with tears. 

                She knew life was fleeting and death was inevitable…

                But she hadn’t been prepared…

                She’d never known this world without her father…

                And now he wasn’t in it…

                And he’d never be again…

                Jasper hugged her knees to her like a small child, burying her face in her arms. 

And from a distance she heard that familiar cry…that shrill, deafening sound of an animal in indescribable pain.  Once again, it took her a moment to realize it was coming from her own mouth.


	20. Dynamic

** Chapter 19 – Dynamic **

                Jasper hardly remembered the drive home and would later be very thankful she had the presence to drive at all.  Grief, she found, was like a heavy blanket that covered and held her down.  She sat at the kitchen table letting it surround her and sink in.  She’d been allowed to see her father, to say goodbye and could still feel the softness of his hair under her hand as she’d stroked it for the last time.  He’d still been warm when she’d pressed her lips to his forehead, giving him one final kiss.  The warmth made him seem still alive, sleeping as though if she squeezed his hand maybe he’d wake up, but he didn’t.  He’d never see her or hold her again.  She’d never hear him call her ‘baby girl’ with such affection.  What she wouldn’t give to hear his voice one more time.

                In the midst of all this, she also had to inform people.  God, she was going to have to call friends and relatives and spread the news.  She would have to see to the funeral arrangements, though she knew much of this had already been taken care of, there was still the business of setting a date for it, contacting the priest and other things she was sure she needed to do.  She hoped her mother had contact information for their relatives in Samoa.  Distant as they were, they deserved to know. 

                Samoa.  Her heart sank.  Jasper’s dad was going to take her mom on vacation there.  Now the whole trip would have to be cancelled and she counted her blessings that at least her mom probably didn’t even remember they were supposed to go. 

                Amethyst had driven their mother home and was staying with her for the time being.  “I just don’t think she can – or should – be on her own.” 

                Jasper had numbly nodded and brought Allie and Crystal home with her. 

                “Aunt Jasper?” 

                She sniffled and looked down at Crystal.  “What is it?” 

                “I’m sad.”  She wrapped her small arms around her aunt. 

                Jasper pulled her up into her lap and held her.  “I’m very sad, too.” 

                “Did it hurt him?  When he died?” 

                “No.”  She tucked a lock of hair behind Crystal’s ear.  “I think it happened very quickly.”

                “Can I call my dad?  I want to tell him I love him.” 

                _Oh, shit…_   “Um, well, your dad is at work right now and he has a very important job.  It’s not going to look good if his cell phone rings when he’s with a client or in a meeting.  Why don’t I text him for you?” 

                “Okay.  I’ll be able to hug him and tell him when I see him Saturday.” 

                “Err…Crystal, we’re probably having Grandpa’s funeral this weekend, so I’m not sure you’re going to your dad’s.” 

                “Will he come here?” 

                Jasper hugged Crystal tighter.  Amethyst needed to be the one to tell her the truth.  “I will let him know what’s going on and I’m sure when he sees you again, he’ll give you the biggest hug.” 

                After a few moments, Jasper sent Crystal on her way and began going through her contacts in her phone.  How was she going to get the words out?  She could hardly believe it herself.  Should she tell Bismuth’s parents?  They probably should know since they were also Allie’s grandparents.  But then one entry below ‘Mama and Papa Cordero’, she saw the name ‘Lacy Cortez’.  Would she even answer?  Would she even talk to Jasper?  They’d never exactly had a fight; they’d simply grown apart.  Of course, Jasper was the one who initiated that.  They’d been best friends since they were eleven and been through so much together, but Jasper had hardly talked to her since before Allie was born. 

                The phone rang twice before a familiar voice said hello.  Jasper paused for a moment and took a shaky breath before speaking.  “Lacy…” 

                “Jasper what is it?  What’s wrong?” 

                “My father…died this morning…” 

                There was no hesitation in her answer.  “I’ll be right there.”

                In about ten minutes there was a knock at the door and when Jasper opened it, Lacy immediately hugged her tight.  Fresh tears found their way to Jasper’s eyes and she trembled as she tried to hold them back. 

                “I’m so sorry, Jasps.  Your father was such a good man.”

                They sat on the couch and Jasper looked at her friend whom she hadn’t even seen in about two years and even then it was cordial run-in in a grocery store.  Lacy’s scars had whitened over the years, but still stretched across her face.  The tip of her nose and part of her lip were disfigured, but there were hints of the beauty she’d once held.  She’d once been stick thin, but after three kids, her figure had filled out a bit.  Her light blonde hair was likely from a box because Jasper recalled it being more of a golden hue in the past and it was now cut short, barely grazing her shoulders.  Looking up, she noticed Lacy’s remaining eye studying the changes in her.  “Thank you for coming over, Lace.  I know it’s been a while, but…you knew him and…”

                Her friend placed a comforting hand on her shoulder.  “Your dad was honestly the closest thing I had to a decent father in my life.  Even after you and I drifted apart, we still always exchanged Christmas and birthday cards…him and your mom.  Whenever I would see him if I was out, he’d always give me the biggest hug and ask me how I was doing.” 

                Jasper nodded slowly, recalling her father treating anyone in their house as a member of the family.  “He was incredibly loving and any best friend of ours was as good as a daughter to him.”  She smiled a little.  “Hell, he considered Bismuth a son…not a son-in-law, but he was like the actual son my dad never had.” 

                “I bet Bismuth welcomed him with open arms and they’re together right now.” 

                “That is a somewhat comforting thought, but he’s not with me…with us…and I really thought we had more time.”  Jasper sighed.  “Lace, my mom has Alzheimer’s – what happens if tomorrow, a few days from now, she doesn’t remember that he died?  What’s going to happen if she’s confused and having a bad day the day of his funeral?” 

                “Oh wow…Jasps...”  Lacy took her hand.  “It’s not an easy situation, but you’ve been my friend for years and I’m here for you.  I always would have been…you just kind of broke contact and then I was busy with three kids…” 

                Thinking about how fragile her existence was and how she would want things reconciled were she to pass away suddenly made Jasper realize she should invite Lacy back into her life and give her an explanation as to why they’d been apart.  “It’s going to sound so petty, Lace…the year Skylar was born, we were both supposed to have babies in September.  But, mine was born in April.  I was more than prepared to attend your baby shower, but as I was driving there I was just struck with this overwhelming…sadness…that we should have been preparing for our children together and…well…I wasn’t.” 

                “That’s why you said you couldn’t stay…” 

                “It wasn’t that I was busy.  I was jealous because I should have been having a baby shower too.  You had three children and I’d lost two…”  And who had been there, comforting her after Michael died…well, besides Bismuth?  “And you were an amazing friend through all that and through everything in my life ever and I was horrible and just threw away a friendship because of jealousy.  After Allie was born it felt too late.” 

                Lacy squeezed her hand and smiled.  “It’s never too late.  I’ve missed you.” 

                “I’ve missed you too.” 

                “So, I’m here…for you.  You need comfort, support, help with funeral planning, help notifying people…I’ve got you.”  

                Lacy stayed with her over the next two hours while she called friends and family to let them know.  She sighed as she clicked off the phone after calling the Sua family.  “God, this just doesn’t get any easier.  And I still haven’t called my in-laws.”  Were they still her in-laws now that she wasn’t married?  Now that she was actually interested in another man?  She hadn’t called Greg either, but she felt that could wait.  The crushing blow of grief was a sharp contrast to the excitement she’d felt when he’d asked her to the movies.  It almost seemed like a lifetime ago.  This morning things were different…she was different – and now everything was upside down and felt like it would never be there same. 

                “Mom?”  Allie’s voice asked. 

                Jasper turned in her chair.  “What is it, Allie?” 

                “Um…I just wanted to see how you were.” 

                “I’ve just been calling people and letting them know…”  What could she tell her?  She’d told Crystal she was sad, but the truth was she had so many emotions running through her – disbelief, sorrow, anger, grief…swirling around like a vortex in her mind.  She worried if she gave in it would swallow her up and she wouldn’t be able to do anything.  “I’m still trying to…process everything, I guess.” 

                It was then Allie looked over at Lacy and gave a small, brief smile.  “You’re Skylar’s mom.” 

                “Yeah.  Hi, Allie, how are you doing?” 

                “I…I just want…”  Allie’s eyes clouded over with tears.  “I’m sorry…I just can’t stop crying.” 

                Jasper put a hand on her shoulder.  “It’s okay to cry, Allie.  It shows how much you loved your grandpa.”  Moisture came to her own eyes and she quickly wiped it away.  “So, you cry all you want.  It’s okay to be sad.” 

                _Maybe…take your…own…advice_ , Jameela said between sobs.

                _Oh, shut up._

 _It’s okay…to be…sad.  It’s…o-okay…to…_   Her alter-ego buried her face in her hands as her shoulders shook 

                 Allie took a deep breath, tears streaming down her cheeks.  “It’s just…I know, I mean, I might  not know exactly how you’re feeling and I know I’m young and you’re older…you’ve experienced more…” 

                “I have experienced the death of a loved one before, Allie, yes.”  Jasper took a deep breath and let it out slowly as the familiar prickling behind her eyes wouldn’t stop.  

                “But not your dad…and I feel that might be different…”  Allie let out and singular sob and then recollected herself with a breath.  “I know what it’s like to lose your dad.” 

                An all those feelings swirling inside her finally pulled her into that vortex.  She grabbed her daughter and held her close as tears blurred her vision.  “You’re right…I don’t know how to be without my dad.” 

                “One thing that helped me was knowing I still had you.” 

                And in that moment, Jasper reflected on all the people left in her life…and those who returned as she felt Lacy’s hand on her back.  She had them…her family and her friends to lean on for comfort.  Her world had stopped when she’d heard the news earlier that day, but now with their support, it seemed like maybe it could start turning again, if slowly at first.

*

                The outpouring of love came over the next few days in the form of sympathy cards, gifts of food so the family didn’t have to think about cooking, money donated to help with funeral costs, hugs and lots of flowers.  “I don’t know what we’re going to do with all these,” Amethyst said, as she placed another potted plant on the table in their mom’s kitchen. 

                “The fridge is getting full, too,” Jasper commented.  “I suppose I could take some of the food home for me and Allie.” 

                Amethyst had been staying with their mother, who surprisingly seemed to be having a string of good days.  She took her meds and hadn’t needed any reminders that her husband was gone.  Rather, Penina spent most of her time looking through photo albums and talking to Allie and Crystal about all the good times the family had been through together.

                “Where is your wedding picture?”  Crystal asked.

“Here it is.”  Her grandmother held an old Polaroid photograph, the edges of which were starting to turn yellow.  “I know you can’t see it in the picture, but I wore the comb he made for my hair.  He looked so handsome that day…”

Jasper sat next to her on the couch and surveyed the picture.  Seeing her parents grinning happily with her father’s arm around her mother made her smile a little.  “Dad loved you so much.” 

                “I know he did.” 

                “Mom, do you want me to take this home and scan it in the computer?  That way we have a copy of it.” 

                “I’ll get it back, right?” 

                “Of course.” 

                Once Crystal and Allie had left the living room, Penina closed the photo album and sighed.  “I…don’t want to forget him.  I don’t want to wake up and ask you girls where he is.  I think maybe we should just sell the house and I can go to a nursing home.”  Tears came to her eyes.  “I don’t want to be a burden on you.”

                Jasper knew in her mother’s village, elders would be taken care of by family.  She was pretty sure nursing homes didn’t exist there.  It was entirely possible she’d have to go to one eventually, but not yet.  “You’re my mom.  You’re not a burden.” 

                “It’s hard for me too…knowing I’ll forget.  I called Crystal ‘Allie’ today and she thought it was funny, but I felt so horrible.  Does she know?” 

                She took the photo album and set it on the table.  “She has a movie she watches where a kid’s great-grandmother has memory problems, so we used that to explain what’s happening.  In the movie, the kid still loves his great-grandma and Crystal loves you and enjoys spending time with you.  We are not abandoning you.  Even if someday you have to be in a home, we will come visit you.  Even if you don’t remember us and have no idea who we are, we’ll be there for you.”

                “It should have been me…I would have saved you all that.” 

                And Jasper immediately felt guilty that the side of her named Jameela had thoughts along the same lines.  “No…I don’t want to lose you too.” 

                “Did your dad and I already go to Samoa?  I remember he said something about taking me…but…” 

                “No, you didn’t.” 

                “I’ll never go home again, will I?” 

                Jasper honestly wasn’t sure how to answer that.  She squeezed her mom’s hand and looked at the photograph still sitting on the photo album.  She turned over ideas in her head the rest of the afternoon and later spoke to Amethyst while her mom had retreated to her room for a nap.  “What if I changed the ticket and went with Mom to Samoa?” 

                “Do you think it’s a good idea for her go?  It’s like a thirty-hour flight.  She has medicine to take and sometimes she gets confused and distracted easily…” 

                “I will clear everything with her doctors before we leave.” 

                “I could go.  That way you don’t have to miss work.” 

                “That’s a possibility, too. I’d be more than happy to watch Crystal for you.  We don’t have to decide now and I know it depends how her disease progresses, but it’s an idea and I think once she got there it would do wonders for her.”  Jasper sat on the couch and picked up the photo to put it back in the album.  “I mean, ultimately, she may not remember, but for even a little bit, she’ll be happy and be with extended family and old friends.” 

As she placed the album on her lap, an envelope fell out and plopped on the floor.  Jasper set the book on the cushion next to her and picked up the envelope, which felt thick in the middle and was labeled: _Masina_.  Opening it, she discovered a few old photographs and her first thought was that the two girls looked like herself and Amethyst when they were younger.  However, the photos were much older than either of them and in one of them where they were side-by-side they appeared closer in age.  Her mother had always looked like Amethyst – the same round face and shiny eyes, the same wide smile, similar in stature and build.  The other woman in the pictures, as the one she looked at now showed them somewhere in early adulthood, looked strikingly like herself at that age.  She turned it around and read the print on the back: _Penina and Masina Levea, age 18_. 

“Who’s that?”  Amethyst asked. 

                “I think it might be Mom’s sister.”  However, her mother had never mentioned a sister and if they were the same age, then they had to be twins.  For a brief moment she wondered if this woman could even be her mother, but her parents left Samoa nine years before she was born and she’d seen photos of her mom both pregnant and after giving birth, so that idea was quickly dismissed.  In the following picture, Masina had her eye covered with her bangs as Amethyst sometimes did and there was a splotch – a color disruption in the photograph near her nose.  There was another photo of her from the back, her hair blowing in the wind as she looked out over the ocean, standing on a canoe.  She wore a sarong, which fluttered in the gust giving a peek at her thighs decorated in a _malu_ tattoo. Again, part of the photograph was fading, leaving a splotchy white band around her arm and a few patches on her legs.  Jasper looked at the difference in her own hands and gasped, as she flipped to the last photograph. 

                Her mother was all smiles with an arm around her sister’s shoulders.  Masina didn’t smile, though she looked at the camera with amber-colored eyes similar to Jasper’s.  Her face was almost completely white in contrast to her black hair.  She wore a _puletasi_ so only her arms were exposed, but on them it was evident that her original tan color had been reduced to splotches.  Her condition was far worse than Jasper’s, just as Allie didn’t have it quite as bad and hers hadn’t progressed in years.  As far as she knew, this could be the last photo of her aunt ever taken.

                Her anger burned and she had half a mind to wake up her mom and give her hell.  She was so ashamed of having a sister with vitiligo, she’d hidden the pictures and never mentioned her.  She’d encouraged Jasper to cover up, ashamed to have a daughter with the same condition.  Geez, what did she think of Allie?  What had happened to Masina?  Had she died?  Had she perhaps sailed away on a canoe never to return? 

                “What the hell?”  Amethyst whispered.  “She looks like you.” 

                “Yeah, so no wonder Mom never mentioned her.”  Jasper stuffed the photos back in the envelope and took a deep breath.  She fully planned to ask her mother about this, but now was not the time.  However, she was bound and determined to go to Samoa with her, if anything, to get some kind of answers. 

*

                The day of the funeral the sun shone down, almost mocking the gloomy cloud that surrounded Jasper as she slid on the black dress she’d worn for Bismuth’s funeral.  This was so final…she was going to have to say good-bye to her father…to see him one last time and then send him off only to receive an urn of ashes weeks later.  She remembered him saying he wanted them scattered on Savai’i…another reason for her to go. 

                “Mom, do I look okay?” 

                Jasper surveyed Allie standing in the doorway in the newly refitted black polka-dot dress.  She’d bought new dress shoes for her with a slight heel, which accentuated how tall she’d gotten over the past year.  “You look beautiful.” 

                “You’re not wearing makeup.” 

                “If I cry, it’ll run.” 

                Allie hugged her.  “I cried a lot after Dad died.  It’s okay to cry…that’s what you told me.  Sometimes I still cry.  I watched a movie where a father gave his daughter away at her wedding and I realized I won’t have that and it made me sad.  Did Grandpa give you away?” 

                Jasper had rarely ever seen tears in her father’s eyes, but on her wedding day, they definitely shone more than usual as he looked at her in her uniform, all made up for about the first time ever, kissed her cheek and gave her hand to Bismuth.  “Yes, he did.  I used to think I wouldn’t like that – I was a pretty aggressive feminist when I was about eighteen – but now I’m glad he did it.  It’s a good memory of him.”

                “A feminist?  Did you like go to marches and burn your bra and stuff?” 

                “I turned eighteen about thirty years too late for bra burning.”  Jasper rolled her eyes.  “Besides, I’m rocking D-cups – I need that bra.”

                The ride to the church was silent and they arrived well before most of the guests, though when she got there, Amethyst was sitting with Peridot in one of the pews.  Jasper was surprised to see her there though remembered something being said about her ship coming home.  Noticing she was in her dress blues, Jasper realized she must’ve taken a short time of leave to come and support her best friend.  Amethyst was crying while Peridot rubbed her back.  “Whenever you’re ready we’ll go up and see him, okay?” 

                “I don’t know if I want to,” Amethyst sobbed.  “It’s not really my dad…he’s gone…”

                Crystal sat beside her patting her knee.  She was wearing a black hijab with a matching dress, meaning she missed her own father and clearly Amethyst didn’t stop her.  Jasper wondered if Amethyst had broken the news or if Crystal was still unaware it would be a while before she saw her father again.  She had gotten word that Tubaz was indeed at an immigration detention center about an hour from where they lived and she’d been contacted by the FBI for questioning, which would happen later in the following week.  She also knew Amethyst had extended an invitation to Nadima to attend the funeral, but was unsure she would attend. 

                Jasper took a breath and walked up beside her mom who was standing next to the casket.  It took her a moment to look at her father’s face.  The funeral home had done a good job combing his hair the way he’d worn it in life and while she knew they’d used makeup, it wasn’t overly obvious.  He wore a simple white dress shirt, his hands resting on his chest with a rosary wrapped around them.  It seemed odd, though she knew her father considered himself Catholic, he hadn’t been the most religious individual.  Jasper could hardly remember him attending church, much less praying the rosary.  She put an arm around her mother. 

                “I keep waiting for him to breathe,” her mother said. 

                Honestly, Jasper had been watching for the same thing, as she did with people in TV shows who had died.  However, this wasn’t a TV show and for all their efforts, her father did look different and she knew it was because he wasn’t really there.  His body had been a temporary residence for his spirit until it got too old, too weak to hold on anymore and finally he was able to fly free.  She imagined him stepping into heaven, which for him may have been on a lake or an island where he could fish.  She recalled him and Bismuth talking about fishing together but they never got around to it.  Maybe they were on some peaceful lake now, finally relaxing as they waited for fish to bite.  Perhaps time moved differently and it wouldn’t feel too long before they took the boat back to shore to find their loved ones waiting to hear just how big of a fish they caught.  She kissed her fingers and pressed them to her father’s forehead.  “I love you, Dad.” 

                Friends and family arrived over the next hour and it was comforting standing next to Lacy, hugging her when needed and just knowing she was close by.  She introduced Lacy to Greg when he showed up with Steven who immediately ran up to Allie and hugged her.  It felt like so long ago he’d asked her to the movies and now she wondered if he’d ever ask her again.  

                “I’m really sorry about your dad,” he said simply. 

                “Thank you.”  She recalled the bouquet he’d had sent to her house.  “And thank you for the flowers.” 

                “I wasn’t really sure what to send, but I wanted to help in some small way…if you need help or just someone to talk to, you can call or come over anytime, okay?” 

                She thanked him again and hugged him.  Lacy waited until he’d walked away to speak.  “So, this may be the most inappropriate time ever, but…you like him, don’t you?” 

                “First of all, since when has Crazy Lace ever been appropriate?  And second, is it that obvious?” 

                “Only to your best friend.  Greg, huh…he seems very nice, not physically your type, but nice.” 

                Her eyes glanced over at Tani who gave her a friendly smile and a nod.  He was her physical type and she hadn’t fallen for him.  Instead, she was falling for someone based entirely on how he treated her and how well they got along.  “I suppose things change.” 

                The funeral itself was a somber affair, though Amethyst had to hiss at Crystal to stop fidgeting multiple times.  “But it’s so boring,” her daughter said a little too loud. 

                Amethyst dropped her voice and spoke in a dangerous tone.  “It’s a funeral; it’s not supposed to be entertaining and if you don’t stop, it’s going to be a double funeral, understand?”

                  Thankfully no one commented on it afterwards in the church function hall where a potluck meal was served and people from the community shared stories about Jasper’s father that made her smile, laugh and cry and remember what an amazing person he was.   

                They arrived at her mom’s house late in the evening, thankful most of the food had been eaten and what hadn’t she’d been able to pass on to Lacy and Greg.  “Please, both my mom’s fridge and mine are full to bursting.  We have food for weeks.”

                Amethyst sat at the kitchen table and put her head in her hands, her shoulders sagging as though exhausted.  “I think I’m dehydrated from crying.” 

                Jasper placed a sleeping Crystal on the couch and came into the kitchen to see Allie handing her aunt a glass of water.  “That’s very thoughtful, Allie.” 

                “Thank you.”  Amethyst took several gulps.  “I just haven’t felt right, but it’s probably stress.” 

                “I’ve had a headache almost every day,” Jasper told her.  “So, I feel you.” 

                “I should make sure Mom takes her meds.” 

                “I’ll do it.”  Jasper got up and went into her mother’s room to see her sitting on the bed.  Her long, gray hair was down and she held the comb that was in it in her hands.  Her thumb ran along the two pink shells with the pearl between them.  “That’s the one Dad made.” 

                “I thought it was right to wear it today.  I miss him so much.” 

                “I know.”  And she remembered the words Allie had said to her…the experience that her daughter gave her and the comfort offered to know she wasn’t alone.  “I know what it’s like to lose your husband.”

                “I thought I would go first…and that it would be a relief to him.  Maybe I’ll just stop taking my medicine…I can join him sooner.” 

                “No, Mom, you’re not doing that.  Besides, remember how he wanted his ashes spread on Savai’i.  I think either Amethyst or I will go with you in October, so we can do that, but you need to be healthy.”  Jasper grabbed the pill box from the bathroom along with a cup of water.  She exchanged them for the comb, which she placed lovingly inside her mother’s jewelry box. 

                “Amethyst says she hasn’t been feeling well.”  Penina set the cup down on the bedside table after swallowing her pills.  “Has she been to a doctor?” 

                “Not that I know of.”  She didn’t feel like reminding her mother that Amethyst had been staying in her house.  “She mentioned feeling sick, but she thinks it’s stress.” 

                “She drinks a lot of water, like I did when I first got diabetes and I’m worried she has it too.” 

                Amethyst had been doing very well with eating healthy up until the last week or so.  It was understandable with everything going on that she hadn’t necessarily been eating healthy, but Jasper couldn’t help but wonder if years of not being careful had already taken their toll.  “I will talk to her about it and make sure she sees a doctor.” 

                “You know, back home, each family is lead by a chief called a _matai_ – someone who cares for everyone and takes care of family business and makes sure things run smoothly.  They make important decisions and help other members in times of need.  Your father was very good at that even though he never held that title officially.  In Samoa there would be a consensus of the family to decide who would carry that honor, but I think here it’s safe to say it’s you.” 

                Jasper laughed lightly.  “Yeah, I don’t know how much of a chief I am.” 

                What she did know, however, was everything her mother said applied to her.  She loved her family and she was determined to help in whatever way possible as they figured out their new dynamic.

*

                “I could have just taken my blood sugar with Mom’s monitor instead of coming here,” Amethyst said as she sat on the exam table nervously waiting for the results. 

                Jasper flipped through a magazine she’d found in a rack on the wall.  “They have better tests at the doctor’s office.  Be thankful you were able to get an appointment today and that auntie could stay with Mom.”  Jasper had to go back to work tomorrow.  With everything happening, she had exhausted her paid leave.  She had no idea how she would go to Samoa in October, but somehow she’d make it work.

                “It might just be stress…or, like, the flu.” 

                “The flu?  In July?”

                “It’s just what good was all this healthy eating if I ended up with diabetes anyway?” 

                She closed the magazine.  “It still does you good and gets you on track and if you do have it, it’ll keep your numbers under control.” 

                “Have you thought more about going back to school?” 

                “A little, but I also have to work, so I may need to take night or online classes.” 

                “Don’t you get retirement pay from the Army?” 

                “Yeah, and I suppose I could live on it, but we’d have to tighten our belts a bit.  Allie’s braces may have to be put on hold.”  She imagined Allie patting her hand and saying: ‘I’m willing to make the sacrifice’ as though it bothered her while inwardly she’d be ecstatic.

                There was a light knock on the door before a doctor in a white coat entered.  He shook her hand.  “Hi, Amethyst.  I understand you’ve been feeling under the weather.” 

                “It’s diabetes, isn’t it?” 

                “No, actually.  Now, your blood sugar is still a little elevated, but you’re still what we call ‘pre-diabetic’, but it has improved since the last time you had labs taken.  You’ve also lost eight pounds, so you’re making excellent progress.  The reason you’re not feeling well lately is that you’re pregnant.”

                Jasper pinched the bridge of her nose.  This just changed the family dynamic – _a lot_.   

                Amethyst sat there silent for a moment then laughed.  “I can’t be.  I have an IUD and I use condoms.” 

                “According to your records your IUD was placed over five years ago, which means it’s expired and no birth control is one-hundred percent effective.” 

                She looked down at her hands, fingers intertwined in her lap.  “Fuck…”

                “I take it this pregnancy is unplanned.” 

                “Very unplanned.  How can this happen?  I was careful.” 

                “I think the first step is to get you set up with an OB and they can discuss your options with you.” 

                Her sister took a deep breath and let it out slowly.  “Options…” 

                “Yeah, you have those, Ames,” Jasper told her. 

                They left later on with an appointment set for Amethyst to see the OB the following week and as soon as they got in the car, her sister broke down crying.  “This wasn’t supposed to happen…I’m not some teenager who went and got knocked up on prom night.  I should be a fully functioning adult and now I have to consider ‘options’ because it’s not like we can afford another kid right now and…and Crystal is such a handful…” 

                “Ames…”

                “No, she is – I love her, but she’s a brat.  I know Tubaz and I agreed on no spanking, but you don’t know how many times the thought of smacking her butt has crossed my mind.  You know, I didn’t need this news on top of everything else that just happened.” 

                Jasper pulled some tissues out of her purse and handed them to Amethyst whose nose was now running in addition to the tears streaming down her cheeks.  She took a moment to collect her thoughts and tried to stay cool while her sister was so emotional.  “I know this is a shock and I think before we make any decisions one way or the other, you should take some time, wait until you’re calm and maybe even see the OB first.” 

                “Mom would straight up kill me if I had an…” she paused as if she couldn’t bring herself to say the word, “…if I didn’t have the baby.”

                “If you make that decision, she doesn’t have to know.” 

                “But, God, that’s so horrible…I just don’t know if I can do that and live with myself.” 

                Jasper nodded and turned on the car to let the air conditioning run.  “It’s not a black-and-white issue Ames.  It’s a personal decision, but whatever you choose, I will support you.” 

                “What kind of person murders their own child?” 

                “First of all, I don’t look at it that way and people do it for multiple reasons.  What I do know is that they counsel you beforehand to make sure you really want to make that decision.  They will go over all your options, let you know what the procedure entails and at least when I went, they were very compassionate and didn’t try to sway me one way or the other.  Of course, I was certain that’s what I wanted to do.”

                Amethyst blew her nose.  “Wait…you had one?” 

                “I did.”

                “Does Mom know?” 

                “No and she doesn’t need to because she’d be all judge-y about it.” 

                “Was it…were you in high school?” 

                “No, I was an adult and I mean, in theory, I could have had the child and taken care of it or given it up for adoption, but…the circumstances behind the pregnancy were horrible and I mentally couldn’t deal with it.  I know Dad would have supported me no matter what, but Mom would have been against a family member being out in the world somewhere and I didn’t want to sacrifice my body for a child I didn’t plan on, wasn’t prepared for and, frankly, didn’t want.  I did it and I don’t regret it.” 

                “I just worry that I might.” 

                “That’s why they counsel you.  That’s why it’s important to take your time and really think about it.  If you want to go that route, I will take you to the appointment.  I will support you and be there for you.  I will also help you if you decide to keep the child or if you decide on adoption.”

                “If I go through with the pregnancy, I’ll get attached.  There’s no way I could give my baby away.”  Amethyst flopped back against the seat.  “Man, I was hoping I’d be losing weight, not gaining it.”

                Sufficed that the emotional part of the conversation was over, Jasper put the car in gear and backed up.  “Well, no harm in eating healthy regardless of what you decide.”

                “When I was pregnant with Crystal I ate so much Mexican food I thought she would come out smelling like tacos…”

                Jasper laughed.  “With Allie I craved sushi and couldn’t have it.  I ate as much cooked fish as was safe, but it wasn’t satisfying.  When I was still in the hospital recovering, Bismuth went and got me my favorite roll from our go-to sushi place and like four salmon nigiri and I dug in and it tasted like heaven.”

                “I know this is crazy, but I’m craving salad.” 

                “Who are you and what have you done with my sister?”  Jasper laughed for the first time in what seemed like a long time.  The pain was still there, but slowly, her world began turning again.


	21. Prison Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who have read Earning Her Stripes, there may be a little repeat material in this chapter, but it is necessary for those who haven't. Hopefully I make up for this with some brand new material as well. :)

** Chapter 20 – Prison Time  **

                “How did Crystal take it?”  Jasper asked one evening after Amethyst told her she’d finally sat Crystal down and had a talk with her. 

                “She’s sad and angry.  She said she wants to talk to the people at the jail and tell them what a great guy her dad is so they’ll let him go.  I explained it doesn’t work that way and she asked why and I honestly just don’t have an answer.”  Amethyst sighed.  “I know he’s a good person…but he did some bad things, didn’t he?” 

                “This isn’t as simple as black-and-white, Ames.  In fact, it’s a fucked up situation, especially for us.  Not just you and Crystal, but I also know him on a personal level and in a couple of days, I have to go in and rat him out to the FBI.” 

                “You said you don’t even know much.” 

                “No…but anything I do say can be used against him.  The truth is he was involved in terrorist activities.  Regardless of whatever life he has now or how a good a person he is, that’s what they’re going to focus on.”  Jasper sat back against the couch and crossed her arms.  “Why the hell would he apply for citizenship when he was so worried about being found out?”  

                “I thought the same thing, but then I talked to Nadima who said she found the application in a desk drawer.  Apparently he filled it out, but didn’t have the nerve to actually submit it.”

                “Then how the fuck did they find out?” 

                “I have no idea.” 

Then Jasper remembered something Tubaz had told her after he’d gotten Alabaster in deep trouble.  “Unless…when the company turned in their employee records to prove everyone there was legal to work here they somehow looked into him.” 

                Amethyst shook her head.  “That still makes no sense.  All they needed to do was prove he could work – one look at his permanent resident card would clear that right up.  You don’t think Douchebag Diamante had anything to do with it, do you?”

                “Aside from being a racist prick and insinuating that anyone who isn’t white must be here illegally, no.  I don’t think he knew Tubaz existed, since he isn’t a financial lawyer.  If anything, he was probably trying to go after Abriq.”

                “And…you are going to try and help Tubaz, right?” 

                “I will, but I mean, I have to tell the truth.  He was a part of that organization and part of his job was to try and keep me there.” 

                “But in the end he helped you get out.” 

                “And I’ll tell them that.  I’m sure they’re interviewing more people than just me – the men who were captured with me and the soldiers and Marines who helped free us and liberate the prison.”

                “Do you ever talk to them?  I mean, have you ever had, like, a reunion?” 

                Jasper laughed and shook her head.  “No.  I am friends with one on Facebook, but we haven’t even talked directly.  I know I was separated from them, but we all went through some horrible things – I’m sure even they did.  They probably were beaten, whipped, starved…perhaps deprived of sleep and psychologically tortured…not exactly something we’d have a reunion over.” 

                “Do you want to talk about it?”

                “Well…the last time I saw them…I mean before they saw me almost killed…um…”

*

_Prison Time – Day Six_

_The door opened and Tubaz entered carrying camouflage fabric over his arm…her uniform, she knew.  Not that she could wear it anymore.  He cleared his throat, putting on that air of importance she’d come to expect, as though he were some Arabian prince instead of a no-name interpreter.  “You are to follow me, Jameela.”_

_“Jasper.”_

_“You know that is not your name anymore.  You are also to take off your clothes.”_

_“Why?”_

_“Because those are the commander’s orders.  Now do so immediately or…or I will beat you.”_

_She raised an eyebrow.  “I’d like to see you try, little boy.”   However, just because she doubted this slight, barely-adult of a kid would do something like that didn’t mean one of the other men wouldn’t.  She removed the niqab and her gloves first, very much aware that she wore nothing underneath the black dress they’d given her.  “Is the commander coming in?”_

_“No.”_

_“Then why am I…”_

_“You are not to ask questions.  Do it – do it now.”_

_Jasper took a deep breath, pushing down the shame threatening to rise up in her as she pulled the dress off and threw it defiantly on the floor.  “Now what?”_

_“Your shoes too.”_

_An annoyed growl escaped the back of her throat as she slipped out of her boots and her socks.  She’d been allowed a bath two days ago, but her socks hadn’t been washed since she was captured and she was put off by how much they stank and wrinkled her nose.  She found her ruined uniform thrown at her and she tried to forget how it had been so horribly ripped up.  Her heart pounded as she saw Kawartaz at the door with his gun and she hoped he wouldn’t be touching her.  Another man she didn’t recognize blindfolded her and took her by the arm before saying something gruffly._

_“If you try anything foolish you will be shot,” Tubaz translated._

_Only the slightest bit of light came in through small gaps in the blindfold near her nose, but looking down she couldn’t even see the floor as they walked out of the room and towards the unknown.  She could tell Kawartaz’s footsteps from everyone else’s the way his boots stomped against the concrete floor.  The man next to her walked in a more normal pace and she could hear his controlled, steady breathing.  Tubaz wore sandals, which made a gentle slapping sound behind her.  She had no idea what they had planned for her and relied on her training to keep calm.  A door was opened and the stale, stuffy air of the compound was replaced with fresh, cooler night air.  Oh God…were they going to kill her?_

_Heat found her face as the light beneath her blindfold flickered and she heard gentle crackles and a pop.  A fire, she realized just before the blindfold was removed and she saw it roaring in a barrel.  She stood in a kind of courtyard with a fence around it, devoid of any plant life.  Akhram smiled at her from his place by the fire.  Her men had been lined up beside her, also naked, also holding their uniforms and behind them guards were placed, guns in hand.  Her first thought was that they were most definitely lined up for execution, but then as Tubaz searched through the fabric in front of her and pulled her name patch off the jacket she realized that they were going to be made to burn their uniforms.  As soon as she turned her head slightly, Kawartaz hit her in the back with the butt of his gun and barked at her to stop._

_Averting her gaze down, Jasper saw the flag patch on the sleeve of her jacket and then looked at the fire.  Anger rose in her mind.  No, she could not burn the flag and attempted to pry it free of the Velcro holding it in place._

_“Thank you for volunteering to go first, Jameela.”  Akhram said, standing in front of her.  “After all, these men should follow the example of their…” he paused to chuckled, “…leader, right?”_

_Her insides sank as she felt his hand on her bare back, pushing her towards the fire.  Sweat broke out on her forehead from the intense heat.  She thought about Kawartaz standing behind her and realized there was no way out of this.  If she wanted to remain alive – to have a chance of returning home at all, much less safely, she had to comply.  She recalled how days earlier Kawartaz had ripped the uniform from her and she shook in anger at what he’d done to her.  She had to remain strong, especially in front of her men, so she quickly tossed the fabric into the flames and watched as it was consumed.  She then stepped back and stood up tall and straight as though being naked in front of all these men and what she’d been through didn’t bother her._

_One by one the other soldiers dropped their uniforms into the flaming barrel and stepped back into line.  Jasper saw out of the corner of her eye that Jenkins limped after being shot the night they were captured.  His thigh was red and swollen despite having stitches.  Worry crept into her mind; he was either going to die or lose his leg unless these terrorists were kind enough to give him some kind of antibiotics.  She’d been shot too, but her vest had reduced any fatal damage to a large bruise and a small laceration in her skin, which seemed to be healing fine._

_Akhram stood in front of Jenkins and took a look at his leg, then said something to the guard, which Tubaz didn’t translate.  The guard immediately grabbed Jenkins and led him away.  Akhram surveyed Meyers and his lips curved up into an amused smile, his words interpreted this time around:  “Are you perhaps of the Jewish faith?”_

_Oh shit…in their minds that was probably enough reason for them to kill him.  When Meyers hesitated, Akhram hit him across the face and demanded an answer.  She heard her fellow soldier haltingly say: “I am of a faith I wouldn’t discuss in these conditions.”_

_She held her breath as Tubaz translated certain whatever he said would be immediately followed by Akhram demanding the American’s execution.  However, Akhram simply nodded and moved in front of Thompson while Tubaz gave Meyers a set of folded black clothes and told him to get dressed.  Slowly she realized Tubaz had not ratted him out, but instead whatever was said spared his life.  Thompson was given a set of clothes as was she, however, as expected, it was similar to the clothing she’d shed back in the room.  Jasper pulled on the dress, covered her face and hair with the veil and slipped on the gloves.  Tubaz gave her a pair of sandals that she found pinched her toes and dug into the backs of her ankles when she put them on as they were at least a size too small and she would put her boots back on once she returned to the small room._

_Akhram stroked her cheek through the fabric.  “I will come see you later, Jameela.”_

_Jasper found herself blindfolded again and could tell she was with Kawartaz from the rough way she was handled and how large his hands were.  His boots stomped next to her and following them was the hurried slapping of sandals trying to keep up.  Kawartaz undid the fabric around her eyes and shoved her away from him.  She had been led back to the small room that would become her world for several weeks to come._

_Now that she could see again, she sat on the bed and sighed as the thought of Akhram touching her…of him having sex with her…disgusted her.  Knowing it wouldn’t be long before he came in, she slipped the sandals off and wiggled her aching toes._

_Tubaz held something out to her.  “Take this.”_

_She accepted the tan strip of fabric with her last name printed on it.  Just holding the name patch gave her back some sense of self.  “Thank you.  What did you say to Akhram?”_

_“What do you mean?”_

_“About Meyers – you know he refused to answer the question because to do so would mean he would die, but you didn’t let that happen.  Why?”_

_“The commander wants to convert them and train them to be soldiers for our cause.  To kill him would have been a waste, so I told the commander that…I don’t know how to say in English…but that it is a medical procedure sometimes done without religious reasons.”_

_Jasper nodded slowly.  “Thank you for helping him.”  After he left, she remembered the training that said if she was captured to try and develop a rapport with those who held her.  Obviously that was not going to happen with Kawartaz and whoever guarded her during the day stayed outside the room.  She may be able to manipulate Akhram to an extent, but it was much more likely he’d turn it around to get to her on a psychological and emotional level so she needed to proceed with caution in that plan.  However, if there was one person she could potentially get close to and get help from, her best bet was Tubaz._

_*_

_Prison Time – Day Ten_

_She had been talking with Tubaz for the past few days to try and get to know him.  She’d asked him about sports to which he replied he wasn’t much into them, but occasionally joined in a soccer game with some of the men in the courtyard.  Music, she found, he liked.  “But older music,” he’d explained.  “I like Simon and Garfunkel and Billy Joel.  I don’t know why, but I have never liked The Beatles.”_

_She’d agreed.  “Overrated.”_

_“Abida likes Taylor Swift.”_

_“Who?”_

_“She is a young singer – new, I think.”_

_Jasper rolled her eyes.  “I_ know _who Taylor Swift is.  Who is Abida?”_

_“Uh…”  Tubaz’s cheeks turned red and his attention went back to the notebook he had in front of him.  “Just a girl…I…know.”_

_She honestly found his reaction kind of cute.  Teenagers all over the world were the same, she guessed, recalling the crushes she’d had back in high school.  Sergeant Cordero’s face flashed in her mind and she smiled; okay, she had one now too and she only hoped she’d be free someday to pursue a relationship with him.  Thinking of him brought to mind her men still being held captive somewhere in this prison.  “How are the other soldiers doing?  How is Jenkins?”_

_“The two healthy ones are well.  I am working on converting them to Islam, as I am with you…”_

_Her voice dripped with sarcasm.  “Yeah, good luck.”_

_He nodded.  “They are resistant, but eventually I believe they will see this is best.  The injured one had a surgery; he is recovering.  He said your Army gives money for school.  Is this true?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“Have you been to college?”_

_“No.”_

_“Why not?”_

_“Because I’m too stupid for that nonsense.”_

_“I do not believe that, Jameela.  You are learning Arabic well.  Clearly you are smart.”  He tapped his pencil against the pages.  “I would like to go to college.  I have been saving money from working, but it is very expensive.”_

_“It is.”  She paused for a moment.  “May I see my men to verify myself they’re okay?”_

_His answer came quickly.  “No.   You are to be kept separate.”_

_“I am their sergeant.  I am resp…”_

_“You are not.  Not here.  When they are ready to fight for our side, Akhram will be their commander.  You are a woman and you are his…”  He thought for a moment and said a word in Arabic she didn’t recognize, but while it wasn’t ‘whore’, she knew it was something along those lines._

_After he’d left for the afternoon, she paced the room.  She had to see them.  No matter what anyone said, she was still a soldier.  She opened the door a crack and the guard turned his head to look at her.  He said something and she was certain it was ‘stay inside’._

_They thought she was a whore, so she’d use it to her advantage.  “I just need to slip out for one moment…”  Jasper placed a hand on his shoulder and ran it down his arm._

_She was on her back in an instant, her nose bleeding having been hit in the face with the butt of the guard’s gun.  He yelled at her and slammed the door shut.  Well, her feminine wiles clearly were not the way out of this situation.  As time passed, she went to the bathroom to wash her face and wash the blood out of the niqab, hanging it over a chair to dry.  When Kawartaz took over guarding her, he gestured to her uncovered face and hair and said something while shaking his head.  She supposed she could cover up with her spare one, but she hated having it on.  It wasn’t long before Akhram entered the room holding a leather switch.  “Jameela, I understand you tried to escape today.”_

_She watched as Tubaz closed the door behind them.  “I want to see my men.”_

_“No.  They are not your concern anymore.  Your only concern is to please me and one thing that pleases me is obedience.  I’ve been patient, but I will have to punish you for this.”  He ran his free hand along the switch.  “Take off your dress.”_

_Jasper shook her head.  “I promise…I won’t…”_

_He brought the switch down on her leg causing her to cry out in pain.  “DO IT NOW!”_

_She didn’t have to be told again as she removed her dress with trembling hands and lay down on the bed.  Jasper used a pillow to muffle her screams as he hit her ten times across the back leaving her skin throbbing.  She could feel a trickle of something slide down her side and knew he’d struck her so hard she was bleeding.  Akhram grabbed her hair and turned her head so she had no choice but to look at him._

_“I was gentle this time,” he told her.  “Next time, I will hit you harder.”   She attempted to escape his grasp, but he leaned in closer and kissed her cheek.  “I will be back tonight, Jameela.”_

_Jasper suppressed the urge to cry as they left her alone with Kawartaz.  She didn’t want him to know how much this bothered her, but her back still stung.  The door opened and he raised his gun but then lowered it as a figure in a black outfit similar to the one she’d been given entered with a tray of food.  Usually Tubaz brought her dinner, but she guessed he was busy.  At first Jasper wondered if this woman was also a prisoner, but as she cautiously walked closer to the bed it was obvious she was wearing eye makeup.  Jasper had met Akhram’s sister, Marjina, and the lack of wrinkles around the eyes told her this was someone else.  In fact, the smooth skin and short stature told her this was someone young…one of his daughters, she guessed, or perhaps the wife of one of his men.  She knelt down and slowly reached out a hand toward Jasper’s hair.  “I will not hurt you.”_

_“You…you speak English?”_

_“Some.  Tubaz teach me.  You are Jameela?”_

_She wanted to tell her the truth, but clearly everyone here knew her by that name and the girl seemed nice enough.  “Yeah.”_

_“I bring medicine for you.”  She ran off and Jasper was alone for quite a while, starting to wonder if she would ever be back when she returned with a jar of ointment.  “This will help.”_

_The girl said something to Kawartaz who turned around and faced the wall.  If he was listening to her then she had to be related to Akhram somehow.  She peeled her gloves off and moved the veil down under her chin.  In addition to the eye makeup, she wore lip gloss but was naturally cute and didn’t really need makeup.  She was somewhere around fifteen or sixteen, Jasper guessed.  She opened the jar and scooped up some of the ointment with her fingers.  “Maybe hurt but then feel better.  Will help heal.”_

_Jasper winced as the girl spread the medicine on her wounds, though she was gentle about it.  “Am I bleeding?”_

_“A little. Will hurt a few days.”_

_She wasn’t sure what was in the ointment but her skin tingled with a cooling effect and once the girl’s hands left her, her back felt a lot better.  “Thank you.”_

_“You get dressed.”  She smiled and headed to the bathroom to wash her hands._

_Jasper slid her dress back on and fixed her niqab around her face and head, pulling her own gloves on when Akhram came into the room, Tubaz naturally following behind him.  “Good evening, Jameela.  I thought we might eat before I lay with you again.”_

_The girl came out of the bathroom pulling her gloves on, face still uncovered and gasped a little when she saw the men.  “Baba!  Tubaz!”  Her cheeks turned pink as she adjusted the scarf to veil herself._

_“Abida,” Akhram addressed her before saying something Jasper didn’t understand._

_Jasper felt the corner of her mouth turn up.  So, this was Abida.  Something told her she’d intentionally left her face uncovered for Tubaz to get a glimpse of.  She watched as Abida hugged her father and noticed how gently he kissed her forehead and how kindly he spoke to her.  She said something and Akhram smiled…not a cruel or amused smile Jasper had become accustomed to, but a genuine grin of happiness.  He was almost like a completely different person, but once he sent her off, he looked at Jasper with displeasure again.  “Why aren’t you at the table already?”_

_She quickly took a seat and waited for him to quickly pray before reaching for a piece of flatbread.  “Your daughter seems nice.”_

_“She is a good girl.  Jameela, do you not give thanks before you eat?  That is very disrespectful to Allah.”_

_“I gave silent thanks.”  She actually hadn’t.  It was a little hard to feel thankful for anything with the situation she was in._

_“I will have Tubaz teach you the proper prayer to say before you eat.”_

_Jasper simply nodded.  In her mind, she thought about how he’d treated Abida with such adoration.  So, he clearly didn’t hate all women; he obviously loved his daughters.  However, those same hands that had squeezed the girl’s shoulder so gently had been used to hurt Jasper.  His lips, which had kissed Abida’s forehead with love, had said harsh and hateful things.  And later, as she lay in bed with Akhram’s weight on top of her, the part of her named Jameela hoped that someday he’d treat her with the same love and care._

_*_

Present Day

                Laying in bed that night, she wondered what had happened to Abida.  She searched Facebook but came up with nothing.  Of course, she would have written her name in Arabic and if she was married, her last name would have changed.  Jasper had always said she’d never change her name – not in a million years would she part with the last name she’d grown up with, the one that connected her to her family.  Bismuth hadn’t pressured her to do so – he didn’t have to – as soon as he’d proposed, she fell right into tradition and was happy to take his name.  If she had to get married now, would she do it?  Considering her last name was still Cordero that would be a little awkward probably for her new husband.  What if he had a ridiculous last name?  ‘Jasper Universe’ popped into her head and she laughed.  That sounded silly, not quite as silly as Abida Abadi and she realized full well why Akhram’s daughter would probably change her name.

                She noticed a message notification and groaned when she saw she’d been added to a group chat.  Usually these were spam that she’d simply ignore, but her heart pounded when she saw the three other members: Jack Thompson, Sam Meyers, Matt Jenkins.  She scrolled up to the beginning of the conversation and started reading:

 **Thompson:** Were any of you contacted by the FBI about when we were captured?

 **Meyers** : Yes.

 **Meyers:** I would have liked to leave that in the past.

 **Thompson:** I’ve forgiven them and moved on.

 **Thompson:** Still hard to talk about sometimes though.

 **Meyers:** Wish I was that well adjusted.  Moved on, sure – forgiven, not gonna happen.

 **Jenkins:** Sorry about that, but when I found out one of those fuckers was in this country, I had to report it.

 **Meyers:** You?  And how?

 **Jenkins:** I work for INS in Empire City.  He came through our system when we were investigating a company on hiring illegal aliens.  They didn’t, but they did unknowingly hire a terrorist.

 **Jenkins:** You all can forgive, but after they cost me my leg, I’m not letting one of them stay here.

 **Jenkins:** Never should have gotten in to begin with.

 **Jenkins:** Like who the fuck made that decision?

 **Thompson:** I’m sensing a lot of anger and I know it’s not in everyone’s nature to forgive, but perhaps think about the fact that he may have changed.

 **Thompson:** It’s the kid, right – the interpreter?  He seemed friendly enough.

 **Meyers:** A lot of them seemed ‘friendly enough’ – they were still terrorists.

 **Thompson:** We had a lot of discussions about religion while I was there.

 **Thompson:** Never succeeded in converting me, but I think that experience was what made me want to be a chaplain.  Jesus said love thy neighbor and I plan to help him any way I can while still telling the truth.

 **Jenkins:** The truth is he’s scum and shouldn’t be here.  That’s the truth.

 **Meyers:** I told it like it was – the good, bad and the ugly.

 **Meyers:** I don’t plan to attend the trial (I’m all the way in Cali anyway) and I don’t plan on reliving that when it took so much for me to put it in the past.

 **Meyers:** Where it belongs.

**-Sam Meyers has left the conversation-**

**Jenkins:** Yeah, I think you’re on your own here, man.

 **Thompson:** I’m still hoping Palamo will help.

 **Thompson:** Cordero, sorry.

**-Jasper Cordero has left the conversation-**

                Jasper had no desire to bring up anything she’d gone through in a group chat.  She was dreading even speaking to the FBI about it and wondered exactly how personal they would get.  She clicked off her phone and connected it to the charger on her nightstand.  There was one other reason she’d left the chat – she didn’t trust herself not to go off on Jenkins.  On one hand, she understood where he was coming from – terrible things had been done to him and had altered him forever, both mentally and physically.  However, Tubaz had not shot him, nor had he cut off his leg.  She really didn’t know how much contact they’d had, but clearly they’d at least talked a bit.  Jasper thought about Crystal and anger rose in her mind.  Jenkins had no idea about the life Tubaz had now and had taken action against him that could alter the lives of his wife and his children.  Part of her wanted to track him down and punch him.

Jasper’s thoughts turned to the two months that had stretched seemingly unending ahead of her all those years ago.  She had held on as long as she could…truly believed she could remain strong and not let the terrorists get to her.  However, they were good at what they did – most of them heartless and cruel and it wasn’t long at all before they broke her. 

*            

_Prison Time – Day Forty-Six_

                _Jasper rubbed her aching mouth and her tongue probed the area where they’d pulled a tooth as punishment for her yelling at Akhram and calling him all sorts of filthy names.  Thankfully it was a back one though she still missed it and the way they’d held her down and forced her mouth open was still fresh in her mind.  She swore she could still taste the stinging bitterness of rust on the pliers._

_“If you speak to me like that again, next time it will be a front tooth…a third time and it will be your tongue,” Akhram had warned._

_She could tell it was now evening from the position of the shadows on the wall and how the heat was not as stifling as it had been earlier.  Jasper had already written in her small journal and amused herself by doing pushups, sit-ups and squats.  There was not a lot of room for cardio whatsoever, but she could at least keep up her strength.  Sometime in the afternoon, Abida arrived with a bucket of soapy water and a brush.  “You wash,” she said pointing to the floor and promptly leaving._

_It was something to do, but she detested the bucket of water – the same kind her head had been forced under.  She hadn’t had a bath in several days and was thankful that at least she could use the bidet by the squat toilet to wash up after Jameela was done with her…duties.  She rolled up the sleeves of her dress and pulled up the hem to above her knees, tying it so she didn’t get wet._

_It didn’t take long since the room was so tiny and she fudged it by not moving or washing under the bed, but it still left her knees red and irritated by the time she dumped the excess water down the drain of the shower.  She considered simply using it.  Filling the washing bucket and at least bathing a little, but if Akhram found out…as he likely would realize how clean she was…she’d be in huge trouble.  She feared the water now and quickly left the bathroom, righting her dress and waiting._

_Jasper was never sure if she’d be fed or fucked first – it largely depended on Akhram’s mood.  Her stomach rumbled and she hoped the color tonight would be green.  It had been last night._

_‘_ I like when he holds me _,’ Jameela said._

_Jasper couldn’t even say that.  She hated his touch – even gentle ones made her sick.  She put a hand to her stomach.  Was it the thought of him making her queasy or was it that she realized just yesterday the moon had completed its cycle and hers had fallen out of sync?  “You can like it all you want…I’ll be sitting at the table.”_

_What if he was in a bad mood?  God…she hated that…it hurt and sometimes she’d bleed. As much as she separated herself from Jameela, she was most certainly aware of what was happening to her body._

_Footsteps stomping down the hall alerted her that someone was coming and she sat on the edge of the bed.  Already she knew it was not going to be a green night as Akhram flung the door open and it banged against the wall loudly.  Kawartaz was following behind him while Tubaz stood by the door and said simply and unemotionally: “Black.”_

_They had never discussed ‘black’ but before she could ask she was on the floor, her cheek exploding with pain. Before she could even register what had happened, Akhram kicked her forcefully in the arm.  He was ranting and Jasper, having hit her head, didn’t want to try and understand it.  What was there to understand?  He was angry.  He was beating her.  What else was new?_

_Out of the corner of her eye, she saw him slam his knife down on the table, his shoulders rising and falling as he breathed heavily._

_Kawartaz stood at the table nearby.  “Commander, our men fought bravely, but…the Americans…”_

_“Those goddamn American…how did they know?!”  Akhram turned to her with murderous rage in his eyes and picked up a chair._

_She realized, as her heart pounded, that ‘black’ meant she may die tonight.  In a desperate attempt to escape, she tried to crawl under the table, but was stopped by the chair cracking down on her back.  Her chest hit the floor, but she kept moving toward the shelter of the table.  She felt the wood come down hard again, hearing another crack and she wasn’t sure if it was part of the chair or one of her ribs.  The chair clattered on the floor next to her and she found only a second to breathe before Akhram grabbed her arms and turned her over, tugging at her dress.  Her eyes fixed on a spot above her on the ceiling._ ‘Okay, Jameela…’ 

                ‘I’ve never seen him this bad.’ 

                ‘Switch with me.’

                ‘I’m scared.’

                ‘Jameela!’

                ‘No.’

_Jasper attempted to get his weight off of her.  Akhram grabbed her wrists but she tried to push him away.  He was not stronger than her; Jameela simply let him do it, but Jasper was not going to let this happen.  He punched her in the face and the fabric over her nose and mouth almost immediately dampened.  She tasted blood.  Still, she tried to slide out from under him and wrench out of his grasp._

_“Kawartaz!” he barked simply._

_Shit.  The guard was over her in about two steps.  He knelt down, grabbed her wrists and held them against the floor.  He was not an attractive man and his ugly mug now blocked the spot on the ceiling.  Her stomach turned cold as she felt Akhram’s hands on her thighs.  If she looked down, she’d see him.  She didn’t want to see anything, to know anything.  ‘_ Jameela…please… _’_

_Her alter ego sat on the bed in her mind, hands clasped and didn’t even respond._

_Jasper shut her eyes against the pain and tried to imagine she was anywhere else.  The fabric over her nose and mouth was yanked down and Akhram’s long fingers grabbed her face.  “What, Jameela?  You don’t want to look at me?”_

_She attempted to turn her head away.  “It’s bad enough I can smell you.”_

_He moved his fingers pressing against the side of her head right by her ear.  “Open your eyes or I break your jaw.”_

_What choice did she have?  She hesitated but they flew open and she cried out in pain as Kawartaz squeezed her wrists so hard she thought they would break and she was forced to face her nightmare._

_She lay there in agony after Akhram left.  Kawartaz released her wrists and stood, towering over her, his lips twisted up in a cruel smile.  “You think you are so tough, but we will beat that out of you.”_

_Jasper struggled to get up, grabbing onto a chair to hoist herself in a standing position.  “I am a soldier…you won’t beat the fight out of me.”_

_“You are a woman and we are teaching you your place.”_

_“My place is back with my people – in our Army – to rid the world of scum like you.”  She moved toward the bathroom, but he took hold of her arm.  “Let me go.”  She desperately wanted to wash away the stink of what had been done to her._

_But he didn’t.  Instead, he slammed her violently onto the table, her cheek pressed against the wood.  One hand held her down by the back of the neck while the other pulled at the fabric of her dress.  There was no use struggling.  She knew the reason Kawartaz guarded her was because he was one of the few men stronger than she was.  He was ruthless and uncaring and it would be an idiot move to fight back.  Unless…unless she had a weapon…unless Akhram had carelessly left his knife on the table when he stormed out still in a rage._

_She slid her hand toward it slowly then stopped as an icy fear engulfed her.  Her stomach sank and her heart skipped in terror.  Akhram never went around without that knife…as soon as he realized it was missing…  “Stop!  You have to stop now!”_

_Kawartaz covered her mouth.  “He might enjoy screaming but I like you SILENT!”_

_The table shuddered beneath her, its legs scraping the floor and all she could do was hope Kawartaz finished before Akhram came back for his knife.  It may have been only seconds or several minutes before she heard the door open and she shut her eyes._

_“WHAT THE HELL?!”  Akhram roared._

_Kawartaz immediately moved away from her and she slid to the floor.  Jasper moved her scarf, covering the lower part of her face.  She wanted nothing more than to be invisible in this moment._

_“It’s not my fault, Commander.  She seduced me.”_

_What could she say that wouldn’t be twisted around?  What could she do to make them stop?  Akhram swiped his knife off the table and unsheathed it, holding the tip of it under her chin.  “Was I not enough, you whore?  Do I have to cut you up again, huh?”  He removed the knife, nicking her flesh and tearing the fabric.  “You know, most men wouldn’t waste time on a whore like you.  I was generous and took you in.  I’ve treated you well, tried to make a proper woman – a wife – out of you.  However, you seduce my men…half the time, I come in here and you are not covered up as you should be.  You continue to fight me.  Perhaps I should give you what you want then you will see how good I am to you.  Then you will be loyal to me, as you should be.”  He turned to Kawartaz.  “Go ahead and finish what you started.”_

_Akhram affixed his knife to his belt once again and sat in a chair.  He laughed and turned his head to look at Tubaz who was standing silently by the door, eyes averted.  “You want to join in too?”_

_“No thank you, Commander.  With all due respect, is this a good idea?”_

_“Excuse me?”_

_“If she is pregnant, then treating her in such a fashion could cause her to lose the child.”_

_“If she’s been sleeping around with my men, how do I know it is even mine?”_

_Kawartaz pushed Jasper to the floor.  “I don’t fuck her in a way that will get her pregnant.”_

_That was not entirely the case…however, he was not known for being careful or kind and Jasper retreated to that place in her mind, sitting next to Jameela on the bed.  ‘_ I can’t…I can’t do it…’

 _Jameela was crying into her gloved hands.  ‘_ He scares me.  I hate him. _’_

_It was the only time they were ever together, when she retreated so deep into her mind as not to feel the pain as Kawartaz finished and Akhram once again tried to take over but quickly found he couldn’t perform a second time.  It was the first time she didn’t raise her hands to fend off the blows he landed.  What was the point?  No matter what she did or said, they would twist it to make it her own fault.  Deep down, she knew she’d done nothing wrong.  She knew they were just cruel.  Even further in the darkest corner of her mind, she wished they would just kill her already.  Maybe she’d spare them the gratification.  Maybe once they were gone, she could undo the scarf, find someplace to tie it up – perhaps in the bathroom – and hang herself._

_They were gone – Akhram and Tubaz – they had left long before she ever came back to her senses, when her vision cleared and she blinked, looking up at the ceiling…at that spot again.  She turned her head, glimpsing Kawartaz at his post by the door.  Her entire body screamed in pain as she sat up and looked out the window at the glowing moon.  Food had somehow appeared on the table, but she was no longer hungry.  She hobbled over to the window and knelt down, undoing her niqab and covering only her head with it._

_It felt fake.  She needed to do this as herself…not that she’d done this in a long time, but in a situation like this, she felt she had no other options.  If no one else was on her side…He was.  He had to be.  She folded her hands together and looked out the window at the dark sky, imagining the stars as the eyes of heaven.  “Hey, it’s me…Jasper, but…You knew that already.  I don’t know what to do…I’m in a dire situation and I could really use some help.  I’m about to lose all hope here, so…if You could just send me…I don’t know…some little miracle…a sign…that I’m supposed to go on…it would help.”_

_Slowly, she made her way to the bathroom where she used the squat toilet and washed off as best she could.  She was bleeding, but it was from trauma.  She recalled the moon in her mind, how full it had been when she’d first been confined to this room, how it waxed and waned and now was cycling back into darkness.  She marveled at its consistency…as her body should have been constant…but wasn’t._

_Jasper woke up the next morning feeling so nauseated she couldn’t finish her breakfast.  She managed a few bites, tearing apart the flatbread, which felt somewhat soothing on her stomach._

_“Kawartaz said you were talking to yourself last night,” Tubaz said.  “He expressed concern to the commander that you are losing your mind.”_

_“Tell the commander I was not talking to myself; I was praying.”_

_“Prayer is good.  It brings peace.”_

_“I won’t have peace until I’m home.  Have you talked to anyone yet?”_

_“You must be patient.  I am doing all I can.”_

_Jasper licked her lips wincing as her tongue ran across an area split by Akhram’s fist.  “You saw what they did to me…he could have killed me.”_

_“I will speak with someone today who might be able to help.  If I can, I’ll try to let you know somehow that everything will be okay.”  Tubaz noticed her placing a half-eaten piece of flatbread back on the plate.  “You have not finished eating.”_

_“I’m not very hungry.”_

_The queasiness subsided by the time the evening sun painted long shadows across the room and Akhram joined her for dinner.  He seemed to be in a decent mood – Tubaz had greeted her with ‘yellow’ today, so she kept her guard up._

_“I have a surprise for you, Jameela.”  Akhram produced a familiar brown bag from his pocket and it crinkled as he opened it.  “You don’t really deserve this.  You know that, right?  Perhaps you think I beat you too hard last night, but you need to learn some obedience.  I expect you to stop throwing yourself at my men and perhaps you will have more treats like this.  Hold out your hand, Jameela.”_

_She did so, having already removed her gloves to eat dinner and watched as he poured about eight small pieces of colorful candy into her palm.  She pressed her lips together remembering an exchange that seemed like another lifetime ago when Sergeant Cordero offered her the exact same candy.  When she’d refused, he’d laughed and said: “What?  Not into deep, dark chocolate?”_

_No, that life belonged to Jasper Palamo and she didn’t exist here.  She was confined to a table, to chairs, a bed…a small room…in the corner of Jameela’s mind who now sat next to a man she’d convinced herself she loved.  The smell of chocolate teased her nose and she smiled at the colorful rainbow in her hand.  “Thank you.  I don’t deserve such generosity.”_

_Akhram plucked one of the M &M’s from her palm and gently placed it in her mouth before cupping her still-bruised cheek gently.  “May I lay with you tonight, Jameela?” _

_The candy coating cracked and the chocolate melted over her tongue, bringing with it a taste of home she could only remember through the person she used to be.  “Yes.”_

_It was only later, after Jameela was done in bed that Jasper got a good look at the wrapper and saw the American flag on the back.  These were not locally produced or even imported or there would have been Arabic writing somewhere on the bag.  She realized it had to have come from someone in the military because M &M’s were often sent to the troops.  She poured out the candy and peeled open the wrapper looking for some kind of hidden message, but there wasn’t one.  However, she had a feeling she knew where Akhram had gotten it and that meant Tubaz had succeeded at contacting the Army. _

*

_Prison Time – Day Fifty-One_

                _She couldn’t even keep water down.  Perhaps she should stop drinking the water.  Surveying her face in the mirror, she noticed the black eye Akhram had given her the night before when she’d pushed him away for grabbing her breasts.  She hadn’t meant to, but they hurt and he’d quickly and painfully reminded her that she belonged to him.  She considered lying down but worried that would make her feel worse.  Jasper sat at the table, resting her head in her hands and taking deep breaths waiting for the nausea to pass._

_The door opened and she shook her head.  She felt bad because she’d sent him away the last three days due to not feeling well.  “Tubaz, I don’t want…”  Jasper looked up to see a woman in black clothes setting a tray down on the table.  “Oh…Marjina?”_

_“Hello, Jasper.  Or, I suppose your name is Jameela now.”_

_The smell of food found Jasper’s nose and her stomach rebelled.  She ran to the bathroom and threw up water and bile.  She washed out her mouth at the sink.  Marjina entered and rubbed her back soothingly.  Jasper took a few deep breaths, trying to calm her stomach.  “I’m sorry.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”_

_“Nothing’s wrong with you, dear.  I brought you some crackers with your breakfast – they help.  At least they did for me.  I have three of my own.”_

_“Three what?”_

_“Children.”  She made a motion as though she were rocking a baby._

_Jasper froze, her heart pounding.  She’d suspected it, but had hoped it was a virus or stress or any other explanation besides what was obviously happening.  She steadied herself on the counter, shaking.  “I’m…I’m…”_

_“Pregnant?  I believe so.  After all, when you’ve been here two months and Akhram says he’s been with you every night, what else could it be?  You haven’t had your moon, have you?”_

_Her mind went fuzzy trying to comprehend this news.  She could no longer deny it…she was carrying Akhram’s child.  She put a hand to her stomach.  “No, not since I came here.”_

_“That’s usually your first clue, but you’re a first time mother, too, so it can be harder to know the first time.”  Marjina put an arm around her and led her to the table, sitting with her and squeezing her hand._

_Jasper kept her gaze on the table.   She had no sense of time other than the moon.  She had been here close to two months, which meant it was now August.  Her baby would be born in March sometime.  She recalled Akhram saying his wife had died in childbirth and panic rose in her.  This child was conceived through rape…it didn’t matter what Jameela thought…she and Jasper were one in the same and Jasper was the one who always retreated because she couldn’t stand what was happening to her body.  Inwardly, Jameela was pleased, but Jasper was terrified and hoped she’d be rescued in time to take care of it._

                ‘Why would you do that?’ _Jameela asked._  

                ‘Why wouldn’t I?’ _Well, she still had some guilt over her decision last time.  Regret, no – it had to be done, but she had always hoped she’d never had to make that choice.  Then, she realized: she had a choice.  She could have this baby, but now she definitely had to find a way to escape and before she got heavy, before she started to show.  She needed to give birth to this child in freedom and preferably in a modern hospital in case there were complications.  The thought of giving birth in this small room, in the same bed where Akhram had repeatedly forced himself on her was overwhelming.  Jasper pushed the tray of food away from her as her throat constricted.  She needed to get out of here._

_“You need to eat, Jameela.  You need to keep up your strength even though you feel sick.”_

_There was an unfamiliar prickling behind her eyes as she took in her surroundings and felt Marjina place a comforting hand on her back.  Perhaps Akhram’s sister was a nice enough person, but in that moment she missed her family and wished it was her mother sitting with her.  Tears flooded her eyes and before she knew it, she was sobbing._

_Marjina rubbed her back and squeezed her hand.  “Emotions during this time can be very confusing.”_

_“It’s not confusing!  I want to go home!”  She didn’t care if she sounded like a child._

_“This is your home now.  Akhram is planning to marry you; we will be sisters.”_

_Her immediate thought was of Amethyst and how Marjina could never be her sister.  “I already have a sister!  And a home!  I can’t marry him!”_

_Her eyes widened in shock.  “You must; it would be shameful not to with you in this condition.  There, there, calm down, Jasper.  You will be okay.  It’s a lot to take in now, but you will be so happy with him.”_

_She would be happy?  Really?  With her captor?  With the man who beat her when she didn’t do exactly as he wanted?  With Akhram who kept her confined to this tiny room for two months?  In this country where she had no rights, no freedom?  Jasper cried even harder.  She was powerless to stop this and, in that moment, lost all hope. Tubaz had not said a word about her getting out.  The Army was not coming.  She would never see her family again; he would never let her go._

_Akhram came bursting into the room.  “What is this?  Why is she crying?”_

_“It’s an emotional time,” his sister told him._

_“So, she is pregnant?” The tone of his voice made it evident he’d suspected this._

_Marjina got up and they talked softly for a few moments before both of them sat on either side of her.  Akhram stroked her back.  “I am overjoyed, Jameela!  What a blessing!”_

_“Yes…” she said before taking a gulp of air.  “A great…miracle…”  This is NOT what she’d meant when she’d asked God for a ‘little miracle’.  But what did she think would happen?  That she magically wouldn’t get pregnant?_

_“Why are you sad?  This is happy news.  We will have a strong son together.”_

                _The only thing she could do was to retreat to the table in her mind and let Jameela take her place for the time being.  She couldn’t; she just couldn’t.  Jameela wiped away the tears and smiled.  “I’m crying because I’m happy.  We’re going to have a baby.”_

_He kissed her cheek.  “I have to tend to my duties, but I have a marvelous surprise coming up for you.  Now, you eat breakfast.”_

_“Yes,” Marjina pushed the tray closer to her.  “Every bite.  Your baby needs the nutrition too.”_

_Jameela pushed down the feelings of queasiness and picked up a cracker biting into it.  She put a hand to her stomach and smiled again.  She and Akhram were going to have a baby._

_And Jasper was trapped._


	22. Confessions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Settle into your comfy reading place and get a snack - this one clocked in at 25 pages. :) 
> 
> Again, for those who read Earning Her Stripes, there will be some overlapping scenes, but also new info and surprises.

** Chapter 21 – Confessions  **

            Jasper tried not to be nervous as the train sped towards Empire City for her meeting with the FBI agents.  She’d gone to her mother’s house and retrieved her journal of her time there, but found her account at the time was very askew as she had written it while in the mental hospital all those years ago.  She’d still been grappling with Jameela’s very strong presence in her life and denying anything had happened with Kawartaz.  However, one thing stood out – she’d always called Tubaz her friend.  And that’s probably why she’d saved his life back then. 

            And he’d never even known.

*

_Prison Time – Day Fifty-Three_

            _“Step up, step up, keep going,” Tubaz told her._

_Jasper was unaware where the stairs led to as she was once again blindfolded, but after what seemed like a regular flight of them, they stopped and she heard Tubaz knocking on a door and announcing his presence.  The door creaked open and Marjina spoke: “Is it necessary to blindfold the poor thing?”_

_“The commander’s orders – she’s not to know the layout of the compound until we’re sure she can be trusted,” Tubaz explained._

_Marjina sighed.  “Well, bring her in.”_

_She was led up one more step and onto a plush surface.  Once the blindfold was removed she saw she was standing on a Persian rug.  Jasper looked around at her surroundings, which looked like any modern house she might have seen back home.  Hardwood floors, beautiful rugs, mahogany furniture, plush couches that were low to the ground and family pictures on the wall.  She recognized Marjina and Abida even with their veils on, but there were three other girls who were younger and she recalled Akhram saying he had four daughters.  She knew Marjina had three sons, but she didn’t see them anywhere and she guessed they were probably at school or even training to join their uncle’s cause._

_“Jameela, you are to listen to Marjina and do as she says,” Tubaz told her.  “The commander wants you to spend more time with the other women.  Be on your best behavior.”   He then left, but not before glancing at Abida and sighing._

_She noticed Abida cast her gaze down before she removed her niqab and the other girls followed suit.  They also removed their black abayas revealing colorful clothes underneath – dresses, skirts and blouses.  The second-to-youngest even wore pants. Marjina followed suit revealing her made-up face to Jasper for the first time and her cut and styled hair.  She wore a red dress with an embroidered pattern on the front.  “You can uncover, if you wish.  We are among women here, after all.”_

_Jasper carefully unpinned and removed the niqab, folding it.  The two youngest girls approached her and one motioned for her to come to their level.  When she did, they touched her face and hair curiously.  Finally the youngest one stepped back.  “She stinks.”_

_“And her hair is greasy,” the older one told her aunt._

_“Yes, we should fix that,” Marjina said thoughtfully.  “Jameela, before I take you to get cleaned up, let me introduce you.  You know Abida, of course then there’s Zainab – she’s eleven, Haniya is eight and Taliha is four.”_

_“I don’t understand why I’m here,” Jasper said, her lessons having paid off.  She was now able to freely communicate, though sometimes she still had trouble._

_“Well, once you marry Akhram, you’ll be expected to keep house and care for his children.  Of course, Abida is getting married herself, so you’ll only have the younger three, plus the one of your own.”  Marjina placed a hand on her belly and smiled._

_“You’re having a baby?” Abida asked._

_Marjina smiled.  “Allah has blessed her and your father.  Now, come on, Jameela.”_

_Within an hour, she had bathed and her hair was washed, dried, braided and twisted up in a bun.  Marjina put a bit of eye makeup on her, though Jasper was unsure why she needed it, and then gave her some new clothes.  “They’re mine – we’ll have to get you something besides that plain abaya.  The underwear might fit, but I don’t have a bra for you.”  She laughed.  “Very blessed in that area, aren’t you?”_

_Her new dress was green with an embroidered pattern around the neckline and wrists.  She and Marjina were close to the same size, but with about six inches difference in height.  The other woman shook her head and gave Jasper knee-high socks.  “I am going to have to get you some new clothes – looser ones, since you’ll be showing before you know it.  And different shoes – you can’t keep wearing those awful man boots.  Come, Jameela, I’ll show you what I want you to do first.  I’m fairly patient and often kind, but Akhram has given me permission to punish you if necessary, so don’t try anything foolish.”_

_Once her back was turned, Jasper rolled her eyes.  She could totally take Marjina if she had to.  Truthfully, the only thing really holding her back was the threat of Kawartaz. Well…and Jameela, who was happy with the new clothes and excited about whatever lay ahead for her.  Jasper considered letting her take over, but was too afraid of losing herself._

_Her day was spent helping Marjina clean.  She was surprised as she gazed around the kitchen to see it was very modern with a tile floor and white fridge.  There was a standard oven and wooden counters on which were containers of cooking utensils and a knife block.  There was no dishwasher, but the sink looked sleek and new.  A colorful rug was on the floor in front of it and bright towels hung from the bar on the oven.  Peeking into another room revealed the dining area with a low, mahogany table and cushions to sit on.  She knew not everyone in Iraq lived like this, but Akhram was high up in command and terrorists dealt with a lot of money.  Perhaps he had been independently wealthy before he chose this path.  She realized she didn’t really know a lot about him.  “We’re up above the prison aren’t we?”_

_“Yes.  In fact, I believe our living room is situated right above the room you stay in.  However, if you’re good today, you may be able to spend the night here.  Would you like that, Jameela?”_

_“I…”  What she really wanted was to go home.  Jasper recalled the letter from Amethyst that was still with her things on base, waiting to be answered.  She’d never talk to her sister again or her parents…no one knew where she was or what she’d been through.  Her parents didn’t know they were going to have a grandchild.  Oh God, she was going to cry again.  It had to be the hormones and she tried to get in her right mind to stop it, but already a tear was sliding down her cheek._

_“It’s hard at first, I know.”  Marjina rubbed her back.  “When I got married and went to live with my husband, I was lonely, too.  I missed my home and my family, but I had to realize that I had a new home and a new family and make peace with that.  It isn’t easy, but in time you’ll come to accept it.  You really are very fortunate to have a good man such as my brother.”  She sighed as though she wasn’t really sure what else to say.  “Do you like cookies, Jameela?”_

_Her voice sounded pitiful and small.  “Yeah…”_

_“I’ll let you have an almond cookie and that might make you feel better.”_

_Really?  Marjina thought a fucking cookie was going to solve her problems?  Still, it tasted good and was one of the few sweet things she’d had since being captured.  Later that afternoon, she was washing the floor with Abida, making sure Marjina was well out of range before asking: “How are things going with Tubaz?”_

_Abida sighed.  “Baba has arranged for me to get married.”_

_Well, that was disappointing.  “I’m sorry.”_

_“I know I should be happy.  Baba says my new husband is strong and will protect me, but I didn’t want to get married now.  I wanted to wait maybe a few years.  Before you left, was your father arranging a marriage for you?”_

_Jasper laughed lightly.  “My dad would never presume to tell me who to marry.  He might have an opinion, but it’s my decision when I fall in love.”_

_“I told him I wanted to wait and I want to marry someone I know.  I didn’t name names, of course, but I think Baba knows and he doesn’t approve.  He said I can’t take English lessons anymore…” she dropped her voice.  “But sometimes I still go to see him.  I bring him tea and cookies and we talk.  Tubaz says he likes educated girls.”_

_“How old are you, Abida?”_

_“Fifteen.”_

_She knew Tubaz had recently turned eighteen and if she had any indication their love was anything but pure, she might have concerns.  However, Jasper knew things worked differently here and it was likely they hadn’t even held hands yet.  “And how old is the man you’re supposed to marry?”_

_Abida shrugged.  “In his twenties, I think.  I know I should be happy.  I get to wear a fancy dress at the wedding.  I’ll have my own home and have someone to take care of me.”_

_God, she seemed so innocent.  “Do…do you know what will happen after the wedding?”_

_“Yes.  There will be a party.”_

_Okay, that was probably a ‘no’, but Jasper decided to try again.  “I mean, on your wedding night…you know, with your husband.”_

_Her cheeks flushed with color.  “Oh, Aunt Marjina said I would lay together with him and we would fit perfectly with one another and hopefully Allah will bless us with a son nine months later.”_

_Okay, so probably, but she was clearly shy about the subject.  She thought about Amethyst, who was a couple of years older than Abida, but still too young to get married as far as Jasper was concerned.  However, later, as she helped Marjina make dinner, she decided to investigate further.  “Abida was telling me her wedding is coming up.  That’s exciting.”_

_“It is.  There is lots to do and I’m still trying to convince her that red is a better color than pink for her dress, but she likes pink.”  She shook her head as she added spices to the soup.  “She gets her stubbornness from her father.”_

_“I believe it,” Jasper muttered in English._

_“What was that?”_

_“I-I was just wondering if she’s ever met the man she’s engaged to.”_

_“Briefly.  You know him too – Kawartaz.”_

_Jasper couldn’t hide her shock and nearly dropped the dish she was holding.  “Kawartaz?  Are you sure that’s…a good idea?”  It was clearly a horrible idea.  That man didn’t deserve a wife; he didn’t even deserve a goat!  And she immediately felt sorry for any goat in his possession._

_“It’s not my decision.  It’s her father’s.”_

_Jasper’s first thought was to discuss this with Akhram, but she knew he’d never listen to her.  They were close to finishing dinner when she heard the door open and Taliha shouting: “Baba!”_

_Marjina wiped her hands on the towel.  “Jameela, you don’t have to cover your face, but put on a hijab and I’ll get you a cold drink to bring to him.”_

_She grabbed her black scarf off its peg on the wall and wrapped it around her head then accepted the glass from Marjina with instructions not to spill or drop it.  She brought it into the living room and set it down on a coaster on the table next to where he sat on the couch with his youngest daughter on his lap._

_“How was your day, Jameela?  Didn’t I tell you I had a marvelous surprise for you?”  Akhram asked._

_“It was a nice change, thank you.”_

_“She stank when she first came here,” Taliha said._

_“And her Arabic sounds funny,” Zainab told him._

_“She is still learning,” Akhram explained.  “She’s from a far away place where things are different, so be a little patient with her.  In time, she’ll learn to be a good wife and mother.”  He turned to her.  “Jameela, do me favor and rub my feet for me.”_

_Jasper raised an eyebrow.  “Excuse me.”_

_“Did you not understand?”_

_“I…I understood…I can’t imagine you meant it.”_

_“I did.”  He wiggled his bare toes.  “I’ve had a hard day.”_

_Jasper wrinkled her nose.  If there was any part of the body that disgusted her beyond belief, it was feet.  Most of the men she knew – Akhram included – had ugly feet that were calloused with yellow toenails and never smelled good after a day’s work.  She had already planned to tell her husband in the future that if they were sore he could rub his own goddamn feet.  She didn’t even like touching her own.  However, she’d been beaten enough to know if she didn’t do it there would be consequences.  She didn’t want him to hurt her again and she wanted to stay in this comfortable home where she didn’t feel so much like a prisoner anymore.  So, she pushed down her disgust and knelt on the floor._

_Akhram groaned with pleasure.  “See, my daughters, this kind of obedience is what your husbands will expect.”_

_Jasper retreated to the bathroom to wash her hands as soon as she was done and helped Taliha reach the sink to wash hers.  “Good job…no don’t wipe it on your dress.  Not on mine either – use a towel.”_

_“I like you even if you did stink,” the little girl said._

_“I like you too.”   Jasper was no expert on children whatsoever, so it helped that they were well-behaved aside from being brutally honest.  She wondered if he beat them, too, but thus far, he’d seemed to treat them well._

_He proclaimed dinner was good and praised her cooking skills, although Marjina had basically done everything.  However, his sister stayed humble and said nothing.  Jasper helped her with the dishes after dinner and asked about her sons._

_“My oldest is married and my youngest is eighteen and lives in the area for the single men.”_

_“You said you had three.”_

_“I buried Jamil last week,” Marjina said softly._

_The night she’d been horribly beaten – the night she thought she would die – came to mind.  Her son had been killed by an American soldier.  Jasper stood at the sink recalling the lives she’d taken in the line of duty, never once giving thought to who was on the other end of her gun.  And here she was next to a mother who lost her child – one she’d brought into the world, cradled and kissed as a baby, raised into adulthood and perhaps hugged before he’d gone out to fight that night.  His name had been Jamil and he had a family.  This was another thing she couldn’t face.  Her training told her not to think about that; they were the enemy, plain and simple.  Except it wasn’t that simple and she thought about how her family would react if she died.  They were human beings, just like her and in that moment, she felt Marjina’s pain.  Jasper dried her hands and placed one on the other woman’s shoulder.  “I’m sorry.”_

_“Are you?”_

_That question stayed with her as she followed Akhram down the hall and to his room that night.  Had he truly been angry because he’d lost several men or because one of them had been his nephew?  She had killed young men just like him and in that moment, Tubaz came to mind and how close they’d become during her time here…how he was trying to help her.  Two months ago she would have shot him if she’d had to; now she knew she never could.  They had lives, families, stories – they were people – and maybe war was far more complicated than she’d ever imagined._

_Akhram’s fingers undoing her hijab brought her back to reality and she looked toward the large bed covered in a red comforter and piled with plush pillows._ It might be nice to sleep here tonight _, she thought as he unbraided her hair and ran his fingers through it.  Sleeping in the bed was one thing, but sleeping with him…the feel of his touch…still disgusted her and she deflected to Jameela as his hand, which had been resting on her bare stomach traveled downwards.  As she sat at the table in her mind, she didn’t want to imagine Abida having to go through with it…not with anyone at her age, but Kawartaz especially who didn’t seem to know how to be gentle._

_Afterwards, Akhram held Jameela close and rubbed her stomach.  “Do you think it will be a boy?”_

_“If God wills it…and I hope He does.”_

_“I am returning you to the room tomorrow, but if you behave yourself you will have more opportunities to stay here.  Once you are my wife, we will share this bed every night.  What do you think?”_

I think you’re a horrible person for keeping me here and for making your daughter marry someone just as bad as you – if not worse _, Jasper wanted to say._

_Jameela smiled and rested her head on his shoulder.  “I would like that very much.”_

_*_

_Prison Time – Day Sixty-Three_

_On Day Fifty-Six, she’d penned in her small notebook: ‘_ _I asked Tubaz again what is going on with the army and my men.  He says he’s working on it and to be obedient a little while longer.  I told him if they don’t come soon I will have to try and find my men and escape.  He told me that would be a bad idea and just to be patient.  I don’t know how much longer I can stand it here.  I wonder if I should just give in, marry Akhram, get lost in the desert…become Jameela.’_

_The notebook was now left in the small room and she’d been relocated to Akhram’s quarters upstairs.  Jasper quickly found she was little more than a slave and her days consisted of cleaning and looking after the needs of the children._

_“Can you read to me?”  Taliha asked holding up a book._

_Jasper looked at the foreign writing and ran her fingers along the picture on the cover.  “I…I don’t know how…”_

_Haniya looked her direction and raised an eyebrow.  “You don’t know how to read?  Are you stupid?”_

_“Not every girl has the same advantages you’ve had,” Marjina told her.  “She probably had to join their military because she’s not that smart.”_

_“I’m right here and can hear you,” Jasper reminded them.  “I can read and write English and I actually had to take a test to prove how smart I was before joining.  I can’t read Arabic because Akhram told Tubaz not to teach it to me, but I guarantee I could learn.”_

_Marjina shook her head.  “You don’t need it for what you have to do here.  Zainab, read to your sister.  Jameela, the floor is not going to wash itself.”_

_How many times was she going to have to wash the kitchen floor?  As she looked up from her task a few minutes later, she saw Abida walk by with a laundry basket.  “Do you need help?”_

_“That would be nice.”_

_“No,” Marjina interjected.  “Jameela is not to leave the house.”_

_Jasper wished she could.  She knew there was a communal laundry room that all the compound used and it might be nice to meet other people – in particular, other women._ _Actual, grown women, not girls_ _, she thought as she saw a pair of small bare feet on the freshly cleaned floor.  She looked up at Taliha.  “Can I help you?”_

_The four-year-old held out her finger.  “I gotta booger.”_

_She groaned and helped the girl blow her nose and wash her hands before scrubbing up the last bit of the floor.  “Are children always this gross?”_

_“You think girls are bad?  Wait until you have sons.”  The other woman chuckled as she kneaded dough.  “Toilet training was interesting.”_

_“I hope I have a girl…”_

_“You had better hope you produce a son.  Akhram loves his girls, but it’s been disappointing for him.”_

_Jasper shrugged as she emptied the water.  “Well, he has no one to blame but himself.”_

_“Excuse me?”_

_“Men determine the sex of a child.”_

_Marjina laughed.  “Where did you hear that?”_

_“It’s science...” she said slowly._

_“Well, unless you want to end up like the last whore he brought here, you’d best keep that to yourself.”_

_Jasper had heard from Tubaz that the last woman had tried to escape and was beaten so badly she lost her child – a girl – at five months. Then she’d been thrown to Akhram’s men who had ultimately killed her.   Jasper couldn’t blame her for wanting or trying to escape, but she also didn’t want to suffer the same fate._

_Akhram was fairly silent when he came home, eyeing Abida as though he wanted to say something, but didn’t.  After dinner, he sent the other three off to bed, saying: “I need to speak with your sister in private.  Marjina, you may stay.  Jameela, make some tea.”_

_Jasper put water on the stove to boil and listened in while she measured out tea leaves._

_“Your actions today could have put your engagement in jeopardy.  Do you realize that, Abida?”  Her father asked._

_“What actions?”_

_“Kawartaz saw you being…inappropriate with that…that boy.”_

_“He only kissed my cheek and his name is Tubaz.”_

_“Forget his name!  You want to be a whore?  Is that what you want?  To end up like Jameela?”_

_Jasper thought about pouring the hot water in his lap as she set down the teapot and a bowl of sugar on the table._

_“She told me in her country she’s free to marry who she wants and I think I should be able to as well.  I don’t want to marry Kawartaz.”  Abida looked down at her hands.  “Please call off the engagement.  I want to wait a few years…get married later and preferably to someone I love.”_

_“I think that’s a good idea,” Jasper said as she kept her gaze on the teapot, waiting for it to steep._

_“You have done enough damage,” Akhram snapped.  “Filling her head with crazy ideas about love.  Now be quiet or I will hit you.”  He turned his attention back to his daughter.  “I’ve moved up the date of your wedding to the end of this month, instead of after Ramadan.”_

_“Are you insane?”  Marjina asked.  “That’s less than two weeks away!  How am I supposed to plan a decent wedding for her in two weeks?!”_

_“You’ll find a way.  And, as for you, young lady, you will be checked by a doctor before your wedding and if you’re found to be broken, well then…”  Akhram paused, silently, dangerously, “…I will kill that young man.”_

_“We haven’t done anything like that!”  Abida protested.  “Nothing more than a kiss on the cheek, I promise!  I don’t want someone looking…there…” her voice grew quiet.  “…please.”_

_“If you are innocent, you have nothing to fear.”  He looked at Jasper.  “Jameela, the tea is not going to pour itself.”_

_“It takes ten minutes to steep; it’s only been like two.”_

_“Jameela, I asked for tea, not excuses.”_

_Really considering just dumping the whole pot on him at this point, Jasper poured him a cup of pale tea.  “Fine, drink your weak-ass brew,” she muttered in English._

_“Excuse me?”_

_“I said I’m happy to serve you.”_

_Akhram stirred some sugar into his cup and then looked squarely at Abida.  “You need to think carefully about how your actions reflect on all of us.”_

_His daughter blinked as though holding back tears.  “I…I haven’t done anything.”  Her hands clenched.  “I don’t want the doctor to…”_

_Marjina covered her hands.  “It’s simple and quick.  It’s also necessary.  Your husband will want a virgin.”_

_“I am!  Why can’t you take my word for it?!”_

_“Because you’ve proven you can’t be trusted,” Akhram told her.  “Sneaking around with Tubaz.  If he’s kissing you, who’s to say what else you two have been doing?”_

_“Can I interject for one second?” Jasper asked._

_“No, you may not.”  Akhram took a sip of his tea._

_Jasper huffed, but launched what she had to say anyway.  “Having a doctor check her is a poor way of determining virginity.”  She could see annoyance in Akhram’s face, but continued anyway.  “Some women are born without a hymen, but it can also be broken from exercise or a fall or inserting a tampon…”_

_“Why on Earth would Abida use a tampon?”  Marjina asked, horrified.  “Those are for married ladies.”_

_“I use them,” Jasper told her.  “And I’m not married.”_

_Akhram sighed heavily and looked at her with dark eyes.  “No, you’re a whore who can’t keep her mouth shut and can’t even make tea properly!”  He threw the tea on her leg._

_Jasper yelped as the searing liquid quickly bled through the dress she wore.  Marjina jumped up and helped Jasper to her feet, shooting a look at her brother.  “That is my dress she’s wearing.”_

_Marjina walked with her into the kitchen.  “Lift your dress.”   She quickly ran a towel under cold water and pressed it to Jasper’s leg.  “Now you know you should have stayed silent, hm?”_

_“You really think that?  You think I deserved to have my leg burned for daring to have an opinion about something?”_

_“Jameela, I think you should consider yourself very fortunate that Akhram has taken you from that country where sin runs rampant and brought you here to be his wife, but you’re not yet.  Right now, you’re still his captive – little better than a household slave – and he is within his right to punish you if you displease him.”_

_She fought not lose it right there.  So, despite her overall caring demeanor, she really didn’t have a friend in Marjina.  Either that or she’d been so brainwashed by their practices that she truly believed Jasper had brought this on herself.  “So…you mean he’s perfectly ‘within his right’ to…to do what he does to me every night?”_

_“What he does to you is sanctioned by Quran and brings him closer to Allah.  Through obedience to him, you will also find your relationship with Allah strengthened.”_

_That couldn’t be true and her anger burned in her. She stood and moved away from Marjina.  “If your Allah says that’s okay, then I refuse to believe in him!  I’m not sure exactly what I believe God is, but I don’t think He wants people hurt!”_

_“Jameela, hush, just be obedient – and silent – and everything will be okay.”_

_She ripped the hijab from her head and threw it on the floor.  “No!  It is not okay!  None of this is okay!  In fact, it’s bullshit!”_

_“Jameela!”_

_“My name is Jasper!”_

_“Jameela, lower your voice,” Marjina hissed as she stood up.  “If Akhram hears you…”_

_“I heard,” he said from the entry.  “Come with me, Jameela.”_

_Her heart skipped a beat nervously and her hands trembled as he tied rope around her wrists.  He blindfolded her with the scarf instead of making her cover up.  The trip down the stairs and through the hallways was eerily silent, though she knew exactly where they were going and soon enough she was roughly thrown onto a cold, concrete floor.  “You know, if you keep doing that…”_

_The familiar sting of the switch cracked down on her thigh.  “Shut up!”_

_Hands she knew were not his untied her and removed the blindfold.  For a split second she worried it was Kawartaz, but as soon as she could see she realized it was a guard she didn’t recognize.  He grabbed his gun and stood against the wall, watching her menacingly. Sure enough, she was back in the small room.  Damn it, she’d royally fucked up this time…_

_“Take off the dress.”  Akhram draped the black abaya over a chair with one hand and watched her, the switch in the other hand._

_There was no point in fighting this anymore, so she removed the dress Marjina had given her and threw it in a heap on the floor.  Then she turned to him, hands on her hips.  “Go ahead.  Hit me again…you’ve already done it.  You’ve already taken everything from me.  What more could you possibly do to hurt me?”_

_He chuckled.  “Oh, Jameela, you don’t want to know the answer to that question.”_

_“Then go on.  Throw me down again, beat me then blame me when I lose the baby.  After that, go ahead and rape me until I get pregnant again and we can do this fucking dance over and over.”_

_He struck her on the arm, the snap of the switch reverberating in the room.  “I took you in!  I have fed you and given you clothing!  I have brought you into my home to meet my family – to meet my daughters you will one day care for!  And you insult me – you insult me and you insult Allah with your arrogance!”_

_“You didn’t take me in!  You stole me!  You stole me from everything I knew and you’ve kept me here against my will!”_

_“You are an infidel and I am trying to save you…both in this world and in the next – and you accuse me of crimes.  Everything I do is for your own good, Jameela.  You will thank me when we are together in Paradise.”_

_Jasper stared at him, her eyes dark with hatred.  “If I am with you when I die, then I will have gone to hell.”_

_“Turn around,” Akhram said.  “Put your hands on the wall.”_

_She took a deep breath and did as he asked.  She put on the hardened demeanor she’d learned through training and many years as a soldier and didn’t make a sound as the switch came down on her back multiple times.  This only provoked his rage as he threw her to the floor and climbed on top of her.  He was already lifting his tunic and undoing his pants when he asked: “May I lay with you tonight?”_

_“Why ask?  You’re going to do it anyway!”_

_He leaned in close to her face, causing her nose to wrinkle at the reeking of his breath.  “You’re right, Jameela, but I still ask out of courtesy.”  Akhram pressed his lips against hers and his tongue invaded her mouth._

_He left her that night with bruised wrists, a black eye and a split lip.  The area between her thighs stung and she reached her hand down to confirm she was bleeding.  If he kept up this violence she would certainly lose the baby, but for now it stayed safe inside her.  This blood was bright red, meaning it was from outside.  Sighing, she got up, finally crying out in pain as her back peeled away from the floor.  She looked down to see streaks of blood where she had been laying.  Great…tomorrow, he would probably make her wash the damn floor again._

_She retreated to the bathroom where she used the squat toilet and washed his filth off of her.  She rinsed out her mouth and then returned to the room where she covered up with the black abaya.  The guard didn’t look at her until she was dressed and her eyes narrowed in his direction.  “Who are you?  Where is Kawartaz?”_

_“You want him over me?”_

_“I don’t know.  Are you as bad as he is?”_

_“I will do my job and keep you here, but no, I will not hurt you as long as you behave.”  He took a breath and lowered his gun, still keeping a hand on it, but resting the butt against the floor.  “He is a very bad man.”_

_“Kawartaz or Akhram?”_

_The guard laughed.  “Both!”  Silence filled the room for a few moments before he spoke again.  “He should not do this to you.  The Holy Quran says women should be respected and treated well.”_

_“But…Akhram he…even Marjina…”_

_He shook his head.  “The commander will say whatever he can to excuse his actions and his sister has likely never even studied the Quran, if she can read at all.  She believes what she is told without question, which is what he wants you to do.  He is a bad Muslim and a terrible person.  I have a wife and a daughter and I would kill any man who treated them in such a manner.”_

_“Yeah, but your wife and daughter aren’t ‘infidels’.”_

_“You are Christian, yes?”_

_Jasper shrugged. “Sure, okay, let’s go with that.”_

_“We are branches on the same tree, you and I.   We may worship differently, perhaps even see God in different ways, but I think we both want the same things – peace in this world, freedom to follow our faith and a guarantee of Paradise in the next life.  In that respect, we are not so different.”_

_Jasper sighed and finally sat on the bed, relaxing as she was certain he wouldn’t hurt her.  “I think God is a bigger concept than we can ever hope to understand.”_

_He nodded slowly.  “Perhaps.”_

_She lay down, her back still stinging and her crotch aching, but from where her head rested on the pillow, she could see outside to the stars, the barest sliver of the moon still visible before it would disappear into darkness again.  Her hand once again went to her stomach, rubbing gently.  Was this the ‘maternal instinct’ she heard so much about?  The baby had to be about the size of a bean, yet she found herself caring about it and wanting to protect it.  Despite the circumstances, it was hers…and it would be.  “I promise…I’ll keep you safe…”  She closed her eyes.  “God…keep_ _me_ _safe.”_

_*_

_Prison Time – Day Sixty-Four_

_Jasper awoke to find the guard from the previous night was gone and groaned as she got out of bed.  Her dress was stuck to her back and she slowly pulled the fabric away from her flesh carefully, wincing as she did so.  Her stomach gurgled and flipped inside her uncomfortably.  Unsure if she was hungry or queasy, she retreated to the bathroom and drank water from her cupped hand.  It was soothing for a moment until her body decided to work against her and she threw up in the sink._

_“So small and already making trouble for me, aren’t you, Bean?”  She rubbed the area above where her baby was growing._

_“Jameela, who are you talking to?” she heard Tubaz asked from the main room._

_She walked out, feeling sick again as the smell of food hit her.  “I was talking to the baby.”_

_“You are naming the baby ‘Bean’?”_

_“No, that’s what I’m just…I don’t know, I guess it’s about that size, right?”_

_“I don’t know.”  He cleared his throat.  “The commander is displeased with you.”_

_“No shit.”  She broke a cracker in half and forced down a mouthful._

_“Jameela, language.  Speaking of, now that you speak Arabic well, the commander wants me to focus on your religious studies.”_

_“You know, our training tells us actually not to talk about religion and politics as they’re kind of hot topics.  Although, the guard last night seemed nice about it.”_

_“What guard?  Omar?”_

_“I didn’t get his name, but he stayed with me and we talked a little bit about God.”_

_“The man who watched you last night was named Omar, but he stayed outside the door.”_

_“No, he was in the room with me.”_

_Tubaz shook his head.  “They are not supposed to be in the room with you.”_

_“But Kawartaz…”_

_“He does what he wants, but he was on a mission last night.  Omar guarded you, but he was not in the room with you – I saw the commander bring you in here and he stayed outside.  So, if it was someone else, what did he look like?”_

_And suddenly that part was fuzzy.  She recalled the black outfit – the tunic and pants and boots…she remembered his gun and that he wore a turban.  His face, however, eluded her.  “Oh, he had a beard…” Jasper saw Tubaz raise an eyebrow.  “But then…you all have beards…um, he said he had a wife and daughter.”_

_“That could also be many men.  Jameela, I fear you may be going crazy.”_

_“Maybe I dreamed it…”  Or perhaps Akhram had actually knocked her unconscious.  She wouldn’t give into what she knew her mother and other very religious people would say.  There was no way she’d met a spirit or angel or ‘had a vision’ or any such nonsense.  No, that was ridiculous.  It was entirely possible it was someone Tubaz didn’t know.  She decided to drop the subject as she pulled out a chair and sat down.  The crackers seemed to have soothed her stomach and she broke off a piece of flatbread.  “So, Abida’s father talked to her last night.”_

_“I knew he would.  He had cross words with me too.”  He sighed.  “He threatened to kill me if he ever found out I even spoke to her again.  I should not have taken it so far.”_

_“You kissed her cheek.”  Jasper gasped, feigning shock.  “How scandalous!”_

_Tubaz gave her a no –nonsense look.  “It is – she is engaged.  We wanted to wait a few years then get married.  She wanted to take online classes and further her education, maybe even become a teacher.  I can’t stand the thought of her with Kawartaz.”_

_“Yeah, me either.  What an asshole.  What made her father even think this was a good idea?”_

_“When he caught Kawartaz with you.”_

_“Oh.”  Fuck._

_“He thinks if Kawartaz is married, he will not want to be with you anymore, but he and Abida are not a good match.  I don’t only say that because I li…” Tubaz blushed, “…I like her…but because it is true.  Kawartaz wants a woman who will serve him without complaint, who is only interested in keeping house and taking care of children and has no opinions or ambitions of her own.  He will destroy Abida; he will destroy everything about her that I admire.”_

_Jasper wanted to tell him to take her and run away, but knew this wasn’t feasible.  Still, there had to be a way to save Abida from this engagement and her mind turned trying to think of a way long after Tubaz left.  Abida came in sometime in the afternoon bringing with her a bucket of water and a brush.   Her eyes widened when she saw the blood staining the concrete.  “Um…my baba wants you to…”_

_“Yeah, I know.”_

_“Do you need medicine?”_

_She shook her head.  “I’ll be okay.”_

_“Um…Taliha misses you.   She was excited about having a new mother.”_

_She nodded, recalling how the little girl had seemed to glue herself to her side, but Jasper couldn’t really say she missed her.  “She’s a sweet kid.”_

_“I miss you too.  Thank you…for being on my side, but my father is still insisting that a doctor look at me.”_

_Jasper rolled her eyes.  “That’s stupid.”_

_“I know!  Especially because Tubaz and I didn’t do anything!  I never have – with anyone!”_

_“I believe you.”_

_Abida smiled.  “Thank you.  I’ll be back for the bucket later.”_

_Jasper scrubbed up the blood stains first, which took some time as they had dried, then began cleaning the rest of the floor.  She was almost done when the door opened and shut so quickly it startled her.  Abida was leaning against it, breathing heavily, her eyes wet with tears.  Jasper dropped the brush in the bucket and approached her.  “What is it?”_

_The girl hugged her and sobbed into the fabric of her abaya, speaking Arabic so fast that Jasper probably wouldn’t have understood even if it wasn’t muffled.  Jasper wasn’t sure what was wrong but whatever it was had to be serious.  She put her arms around Abida and patted the back of her head.  “It’s okay to tell me, but slower…or in English, please.  So I can help you.”_

_“You cannot help me…and you cannot help Tubaz…Baba will blame him.”_

_Jasper took a breath as a sinking feeling settled in her.  “Abida, what happened?”_

_Abida pulled away, shuddering as she inhaled and spoke haltingly.  “Kawartaz…h-hurt me…”_

_Shit… “Did he…um…”_

_“He hurt me…with his fingers…I’m bleeding.”_

_God, she’d hoped never to hear this from someone and in this situation she wasn’t even sure where to begin as far as helping the poor girl.  Her first thought was to kill him – just eliminate the problem at its source._

_“And now when the doctor looks I’ll be…Baba will never believe me.  He’ll think Tubaz did it and…”_

_“Well, ordinarily my first piece of advice would be go to your parents or someone who can help, but…I’m not sure who to trust.”_

_“I can’t tell Baba, or Aunt Marjina.  I’ll be shamed…and Kawartaz will look like some big hero when he says he’ll marry me anyway.  Why is he so evil?”_

_“I wish I had an answer, but I guess some people just are.  He’s a monster.”  She hugged Abida again, her heart breaking for her.  “I’m going to think of something, I promise.”_

_“I can’t stop crying…what do I do?”_

_She definitely couldn’t tell the truth, which was absolute bullshit.  Jasper thought of her father and how he’d go after any man who looked at her wrong.  Abida’s father would likely yell and call her a whore, maybe even beat her before going after Tubaz.  Everything of what she knew to do in her country would only backfire here.  “Tell them you don’t feel well and stay in your room.”_

_Jasper held her a few more minutes before sending her on her way.  She could tell by the shadows that Kawartaz would be in to guard her.  She sat on the edge of the bed and rolled down her sleeves.  Sure enough, he stomped in soon after, closing the door with a loud bang behind him.  He laughed.  “So, you’re back.”_

_She turned her gaze away as anger built up, threatening to overtake her as she untied the knot in her abaya and let it fall to her ankles._

_“I gotta piss like a motherfucker…”_

_Jasper smoothed the fabric over her legs.  She could even feel Jameela’s outrage.  ‘_ She will be my daughter too once I marry Akhram _!’ her alter-ego screamed.  ‘_ And that…that PIG just… _’_

_Their rage combined as Jasper felt them coming together in one mind again…not separate, but a woman who had been horribly violated and a soldier who knew how to fight.  For two months, they’d kept her here.  She’d asked for help and was only told to ‘be patient’.  Help wasn’t coming; she needed to help herself.  Her eyes flickered up at the table and as she stared at the gun, she recalled the first thought she’d had upon hearing the news.  No Kawartaz meant no wedding and no wedding meant no examination._

_She heard his groan of relief from the bathroom.  In her mind she recalled every filthy thing he’d done to her.  She thought of how scared Abida must’ve been and how much she was hurting now.  As religious as she was, the girl was likely waiting for marriage to do anything and he’d stolen that from her.  ‘_ Are you all-in Jameela _?’_

 _‘_ He hurt us.  He hurt her.’  _Even Jameela’s words shook with fury._

_That’s when Jasper grabbed the gun._

_*_

Present Day

                “So, you shot the guard after he raped you?” the agent asked. 

                “Yes.”  Okay, this technically was not a lie…it just hadn’t happened right before the shooting as she’d led everyone to believe.  Either she had always said he’d attempted it or actually gone through with it and she’d shot him in self defense.  It was very likely Jasper would go to her grave never telling anyone that she murdered Kawartaz for personal reasons.  To this day, he was the only person she’d killed that she felt no remorse over.  “But like I said, the guy was an asshole…” 

                “Mrs. Cordero, language.” 

                “Sorry, but he was and I did the world a damn favor that day.” 

                “And then Mr. Fayad came in and found you?” 

                “Yeah, both Tubaz and Akhram rushed in – they must’ve heard the gunshots – and were pretty shocked,” she chuckled a little.  “Can’t blame them.  I pointed the gun at Akhram, but there was a part of me that still had feelings for him – as hard as that is to believe – and I couldn’t bring myself to shoot him.  He took the gun from me, pushed me to the floor, yelled – which I’d expected – and used his knife to cut my hair off.  I guess once I killed somebody I was too much of a liability and he ordered Tubaz to take me away while he decided how to punish me.”

                “Now, you keep saying knife, but Mr. Fayad called it a _janbiya_ , which is more like a dagger, correct?” 

                The image of the weapon appeared in Jasper’s head.  “Yeah, it is – it’s long and curved on the end, but definitely shorter than a sword.”

                “Where did Mr. Fayad take you after that?” 

                “To another room – much like the one I’d been held in that first night.  There were no windows or furniture and a single light bulb on the ceiling.  He growled that I was making his life very difficult then after he’d closed the door, he laughed and said that the troops were coming the next night to free us.” 

                “And this was the first you had heard of these plans despite the fact that we have evidence he’d been working with the Marines for quite some time.” 

                “I…uh…yeah, I didn’t know the Marines had even been involved until after I was rescued.  Tubaz kept saying he was in touch with the Army, but I figure he must’ve gotten them confused or something.  I do know now, of course, the Marines and the Army worked together on the liberation, but at the time I was still pretty much in the dark about everything going on.”  She took a deep breath and let it out slowly.  “He just kept saying ‘be patient, be patient’…if I’d been patient a day longer, I’d have been rescued in one piece.” 

                And her baby would have turned fourteen this year…

*

_Prison Time – Day Sixty-Five_

_Jasper got very little sleep that night.  She expected Akhram to come in at any moment and have the guards take her somewhere to be executed.  She wondered how they would do it.  Would they shoot her quickly?  Did it hurt to be beheaded?  Would they torture her first?  Would they videotape it for propaganda?_

_She sat up, taking deep breaths as she began to feel sick again and knew hours had passed.  She leaned against the wall, the cold soothing her back.  She ran her fingers through her short hair and cursed Akhram for cutting it off.  Her mother always said her hair was her crowning glory.  It had taken forever to grow after the Army had cut it short in boot camp.  Now, just like that, it was gone again.  Her other hand went to her stomach.  “I’m sorry I fucked up…but I promise you if we get out of this mess, I’m going to take you home with me, Bean.  You’re going to grow up free and I’m going to teach you to be a good person.”_

_Her mind thought of how she would tell her parents.  She’d thought she’d maybe have kids one day, but she’d be married or at least in a relationship.  However, Jasper knew her parents would understand the circumstances and help her in any way they could.  They’d likely be happy to help raise their grandchild.  After all, being a single parent was not going to be easy, but she was fortunate enough to have the support of her family and her community.  She rubbed her belly again, though still flat, the morning sickness made her very aware of what was taking place inside her and even in this room, she marveled at it.  She was growing a whole person inside of her.  Pretty soon, she might start showing, but she hoped by then she’d stop throwing up.  Did it have fingers and toes yet?  Was it a boy or a girl?  Was it going to look like her or Akhram?  She raised her eyes up.  “Please let it look like me…”_

_Her brows knitted together as she actually thought about giving birth.  Would she be able to handle it or get an epidural?  Who would she have with her?  Well, her mother, naturally and maybe Amethyst.  She knew she would love to have her father’s comfort and support, but he wouldn’t want to see her in pain like that._

_The door creaked open and she trembled in fear for a moment until she saw it was only Tubaz.  He pressed his lips together but it wasn’t a smile.  He sat cross-legged in front of Jasper and set down a bag he held.  “I spoke with the commander and bought you until tonight.  Now, I don’t know when your troops are coming.”_

_“But you’re going to meet them, aren’t you?”_

_He nodded.  “The commander is furious and he is going to send his men in here sometime this evening and tell them to do whatever they want to you.”_

_“How many?”_

_“Usually a dozen.  I’ve seen him do this before.  Now listen, you will not be tied up, so you will be able to defend yourself.  How good are you at hand-to-hand combat?”_

_“I can hold my own,” Jasper said confidently.  Inwardly, however, she wasn’t sure.  She could take on one or two no problem, but twelve?  “And I’m supposed to fight in this dress?  Barefoot?”_

_Tubaz pulled her boots out of the bag.  “They will go for your legs, trying to break them or otherwise get you on the ground.  Don’t let them; if you go down, you’re at their mercy and some of these men haven’t been around a woman in months.  So, stay on your feet as long as you can until your men can get here.”_

_“Got it.”_

_“It is not fair his men will have weapons and you won’t.”_

_“Wait – you never said…”_

_He produced Akhram’s knife from the bag and handed it to her.  “Hide this however you can and use it well.”_

_“And you’re heading out now, aren’t you?”_

_“Yes.”  There was definite fear in his eyes.  “The next time you see me, I’ll have your soldiers with me.”_

_“Thank you.”  Jasper reached out and hugged him.  He awkwardly patted her back, obviously caught off guard by this display of affection.  As she pulled back she noticed dark circles under his eyes.  “You couldn’t sleep either, huh?”_

_“No.  I was up most of the night praying.  For myself…for Abida…and you.”_

_“You believe your Allah will help me?”_

_“Yes, I do.  You’re a good person…Jasper.  You are my friend.”_

_Jasper nodded, touched that he thought of her as a friend…surprised that after all this time he used her name.  “You’re my friend too.  You should go.  Be careful and be safe.”_

_Tubaz gave her hand a squeeze before leaving the room.  Jasper looked inside the bag to find a package of crackers and a bottle of water.  She waited until her stomach felt a little better before eating and drinking anything.  Using the knife, she sliced the sleeves off of her abaya and cut the sides up to her mid-thigh to allow for better movement.  She used the fabric from one of the sleeves to fix the sheathed knife to her leg after lacing up her boots._

_Remembering what Tubaz told her he’d been doing, she knelt down.  “Yeah…hey, it’s me again…Jasper.  I’m in an even worse situation, so any help would be deeply appreciated right now.  And help Tubaz too, you know, he’s young and afraid, but he’s still trying to do good in the world…so, Amen, I guess.”_

_Jasper sat back with nothing else to do but wait now.  It was then she heard a song of praise from her childhood in her head.  She’d grown up with it and whether it was a sign from God, or just her mind pulling it from recesses she didn’t know she had, she softly started singing:_

You shall cross the barren desert,  
but you shall not die of thirst.  
You shall wander far in safety,  
though you do not know the way.

And if wicked men insult and hate you, all because of Me,  
blessed, blessed are you!

Be not afraid,  
I go before you always,  
Come follow Me,  
and I shall give you rest.

_Comforted by the words of the hymn, she fell into a fitful sleep and awoke when she heard shuffling outside…the sound of footsteps coming.  The door swung open and two men entered, setting four chairs on the floor.  Within minutes, Thompson, Meyers and Jenkins were led into the room and tied to them.  Oh God, Akhram was going to make them watch._

_It had been two months since Jasper had even seen them, but Thompson and Meyers appeared to be in decent health, still wearing the black clothes given to them the night they’d burned their uniforms.  Jenkins had gotten thinner and she noticed most of his left pant leg was empty with no boot sticking out from it.  They all stared at one another for several moments before Thompson tried to speak.  “Sergeant, are you…”_

_He was quickly cut off by one of the guards hitting him in the back of the head.  Jasper rose to her feet as Akhram entered the room.  He approached her, head high, shoulders back, exuding confidence.  The corner of his mouth twisted up in a cruel smile.  “The night you were captured, I wanted to execute all of you.  Tubaz – who seems to have disappeared – convinced me that you soldiers may be of some use.  I have fed all of you, clothed you, trained two of you to fight for my cause.  I have given all of you the opportunity to give your lives in service to Allah, but I was right: I should have killed you all when I had the chance.”  He turned to the men.  “My best soldier is dead – killed by your sergeant.”_

_“I would clap if I could, ma’am,” Meyers said._

_“Be quiet!”  Akhram once again faced her.  “In my generosity, I offer you a deal.  In a moment, twelve of my men are going to come in here and I will give them a command to do whatever they want with you, up to and including killing you.  However, if you manage to take down all of them then you have earned your freedom and you and your men can walk out of here.”_

_Jasper caught his eye and smiled.  “Fighting for our freedom is what I do.  Bring it on, Commander.”_

_“Good luck…Sergeant,” he spat the last word out bitterly.  He took a seat in the final chair and smirked at the Americans beside him.  “Enjoy the show, fellas.”_

_She had prayed, had mentally prepared for this.  She’d done all she could to stay physically strong and exhaled as the men filed in.  Some of them held metal rods…long pieces of rebar that were rusty.  Two of them held thick chains.  She knew she didn’t have much time to plan anything, but her first objective would be to try and get the weapons away from the men.  She hoped they didn’t have anything hidden like she did.  Even without a knife, she was nearly six feet tall and 180 pounds of mostly muscle.  She felt Jameela’s presence dissolve from the table in her mind as they joined together.  She was one complete person – a woman and a soldier – a powerhouse that wouldn’t be stopped until every one of these terrorists lay on the floor…unconscious, dead, dying…she didn’t care.  The important thing was that she would WIN!_

_Akhram waited a moment before giving his command almost too calmly.  “Alright men, do whatever you want with her.  Make her scream.”_

_Her first move was to take out one of the men holding a metal rod and wrench it from his grasp before kicking him in the temple, knocking him out.   Just as Tubaz had said, they were aiming for her legs, so she kept constantly moving, smacking away her attackers with the rod.  The end was slightly sharp and she impaled one man through the stomach.  Another grabbed it, swung and she found herself hitting the wall and falling.  She jumped up.  ‘_ _Stay on your feet; they’re coming_ _,’ she told herself.  ‘_ _They’re coming soon and you’re going home_ _.’_

_She reached down and pulled out the knife.  The men took a collective step back, clearly not expecting this then one charged at her.  She dodged the metal rod he held, grabbed it to pull him closer and stabbed him in the side._

_“Where the hell did she get that?!” Akhram shouted._

_She retrieved the rod dropped by the guard, now brandishing two weapons to keep her attackers at bay.  The knife was only valuable if Jasper could get close as she did to one of them whom she stabbed in the eye and then the chest before kicking away, while simultaneously using the rod to smack another man in the stomach sending him down.  The entire time, she could feel Akhram’s eyes on her and almost sense his building frustration that this was not going as planned._

_One of them grabbed her from behind and she flipped him forward before hitting him on the head with the rod knocking him out._

_“That’s it, whore!”_

_Jasper deflected the chain hurtling at her with the rod and drove the knife into the wielder’s stomach.  “I’m no whore; I’m a motherfucking warrior!”_

_A chain wrapped around her wrist and pulled causing her to lose her grip on the knife.  Shit!  One of the men grabbed the rod and wrenched it away.  If she bent down to pick either one up, that would be it; they’d shove her down and she’d be at their mercy._

_Despite Jasper having no weapons, she still managed to dislocate a man’s knee, break at least three noses and kick one of them so hard in the balls she heard an audible crunch._

_“How hard is it to take out a woman?!”  Akhram roared, stunned at the sight of nine of his men lying wounded on the floor.  “Break her legs already!”_

_And then from beside him, the three soldiers started cheering her on._

_“You can do it!”_

_“Get them!”_

_“Kick their asses!”_

_“KILL HER!”  Akhram screamed._

_One of the chains swung into her face, a sickening crunch jolting through her skull.  It was so forceful it broke off one of her teeth to the gums, but Jasper managed to stay up, despite being dizzy.  She spat – the piece of tooth hitting the floor with a ping.  That was when she was caught off guard and felt a metal rod connect with the leg supporting her weight.  She heard the crack of the bone as pain shot through her and almost crumpled to the ground.  Fighting against the pain – adrenaline rushing – she spun around and grabbed the rod, shoving it through his temple and pulling it back out as he fell.  There were two men left, so she took a risk, bent down, retrieved the knife and quickly stabbed one, pushing him away.  Jasper was thrown against a wall and heard her ribs crunch under the blows of the final man’s fist.  She felt a hand in her hair and another one on her hip trying to pull the dress up.  “You made it easy for us, whore,” the man said._

_“I am NOT a whore!” Anger burned in her after two months of being called nothing else.  She wrenched away from his grasp, turning and plunging the knife into his chest.  He fell with a thud.  Breathing heavily, she looked around the room at the twelve men motionless on the floor.  She turned her attention to Akhram, swaying and in pain, but victorious.  She was sure she looked like a bloody mess.  Her side and leg throbbed and one of her eyes was swelling along with her cheek.  She tasted blood and spat red onto one of the men.  She exhaled deeply and put her hands on her hips.  “That’s the best you’ve got?”_

_Akhram calmly stood and crossed the room.  “I am a man of my word, Sergeant.  You are free to walk out of here…if you can…”  Without warning, he kicked her injured leg, breaking the bone completely and sending her to the ground.  He stomped on her leg twice as she cried out._

_“You bastard…”_

_“And unless your fellow soldiers can untie their own ropes, they’re not walking out of here either…”  He kicked her in the ribs._

_She curled up as best she could, still clutching the knife.  The knife…Jasper could still free her men and one of them could carry her out of there.  Injured as she was she started crawling across the room toward them._

_She heard the scraping of a metal rod being picked up off the floor and in an instant she saw not only stars, but the creation of the damn universe as Akhram hit her forcefully on the back of the head.  She heard a ringing in her ears.  “What do I have to do, Jameela?  Huh?  Do you really want to know how badly I could hurt you?”_

_“My name is Jasper and I will leave here…with my baby…”  A couple more deep breaths and she inched closer to the men._

_“Oh…I see,” his tone was slow and sinister.  “You care about the baby.”_

_Jasper was almost there and reached out for the ropes holding Thompson’s leg to the chair.  Akhram’s foot came down on her hand hard.  She felt three snaps and dropped the knife.  He stomped on it again and then on her arm three times sending shooting pains all the way up to her shoulder._

_Akhram turned her over and lifted her dress.  For a split second, she worried he would have his way with her in front of the other soldiers.  However, she quickly realized what he was doing as he knelt between her legs and put a strong hand on her lower abdomen.  He was still holding the metal rod and grinned.  All she could do was shake her head in disbelief as Akhram roughly pushed aside her leg._

_There was a knock at the door of this place inside her – metal pounding against it.  The safe bubble…the nursery where her baby grew was being invaded and there was nothing she could do.  She felt scraping, flesh tearing, bruising – she heard the crack of her pubic bone – and as the pain moved deeper, she finally released the tortured screams he wanted.  After what seemed like an eternity, it stopped and Jasper lay gasping on the floor in unimaginable agony.  Weak and trembling, she looked up out of the one eye that was not swollen shut and saw Akhram standing over her, holding the bloody metal rod.  He used it to hit her across the face, splattering blood across her cheek before dropping it.  He spat at her and didn’t miss this time as it landed on her forehead.  “Whore.”_

_Rage pooled inside her as something warm and sticky leaked out of her between her legs and she knew her baby had not survived.  “Murderer.”_

_Akhram leaned in close.  “Didn’t you just kill at least four men?”_

_Her left hand slid across the floor and then she felt it…the smooth handle of his knife still laying there.  That knife he had used to keep her in line for two months…the weapon she’d feared.  “Five…” she corrected him as she used the knife to slice open his throat before jabbing him in his chest._

_Akhram’s eyes widened in shock and stayed open as he collapsed on top of her and she watched the light leave them as he gurgled once…twice...blood running out of his mouth.  Then he fell silent.  With one last burst of strength, she pushed him off and then lay there breathing heavily, her fingers still clenching the knife.  He was gone…but she was still gravely injured and knew it._

_She lingered in a twilight zone…was it minutes?  Hours?  She turned her head weakly toward her men, trying to say something, but she was too weak.  She couldn’t help them…couldn’t free them.  Her eyes closed, but she could hear.  She heard one of the men groaning, the shuffling of feet and the door squeaking open.  Then…_

_Pop!  Pop!  Pop!_

_Gunfire…_

_There was a grunt from the hall and the sound of a body falling.  More footsteps, hurrying, running…the slapping of sandals and then someone was kneeling beside her.  “Jasper, I brought them!”  Tubaz’s voice held both hope and panic.  “They’re here!  Are you alive?”  She felt his hand move her hair from her forehead.  “Is she alive?”_

_Two fingers pressed against her neck as she heard a sweet, deep voice she thought she’d never hear again.  “Sergeant Palamo…Tiger…can you hear me?”_

_With tremendous effort, Jasper opened her one eye that was not swollen shut and saw Army camouflage…a name patch that read ‘Cordero’ and she looked up into his eyes.  She twisted her mouth into what she hoped was a smile.  “Hey…”_

_“Let’s get you out of here,” he said as he scooped her up._

_Her entire body screamed in agony, but she was too weak to make a sound.  She felt someone squeeze her hand, which rested on her stomach and still clung to the knife.  Tubaz’s voice sounded like it was coming from underwater as she fought to stay conscious.  “You’ll be okay.  They’re taking you home, just like you wanted.”_

_“Step away from her,” Cordero commanded._ _“You have our word we won’t shoot you today, but rest assured, if I ever see you again with this organization, you’re dead.  So, heed my words: get out – get out of this place, this country if you can.”  Then he yelled out the door.  “I’m going to need cover, guys!”_

_Jasper struggled to keep the darkness at bay as she heard gunfire from somewhere that sounded far away.  Boots tromped against the concrete and doors squeaked open to allow a burst of cool, night air to hit her face.  Jasper took a breath…then another…she forced her eye open a crack and felt the corners of her mouth turn up as she saw the stars from a place that was finally outside the prison.  She relaxed, letting her head tilt back and her eyes close as she had one final revelation before the darkness took over._

_She.  Was.  Free._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The hymn Jasper sings is "Be Not Afraid" - a traditional Catholic hymn I remembered from my childhood and I figured she'd probably remember from hers.


	23. Tingles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So after all that angst, who's ready for a fluffier, happier chapter? :) 
> 
> And have some Allie cuteness.

** Chapter 22 – Tingles **

                As soon as she walked in the door, Crystal immediately ran up to her and hugged her.  “Did you tell them?  Are they going to let Dad go?”

                “I told them all the good things I knew about him, so I hope it’ll help.” 

“Did you tell them he makes the best grilled cheese sandwiches?”

Jasper picked her up and inhaled deeply the smell of something delicious.  “Sorry, I left that part out.”

“That was important!  This is why I should have written a letter!”  Crystal squirmed causing her aunt to put her down before running toward the stairs.

“You don’t know how to write!”  Jasper called after her.

The sound of the fridge door opening and closing made her realize Amethyst had to be in the kitchen, which led Jasper to wonder who was watching her mother, but then saw her sitting on the couch knitting.  “Hi, Mom.” 

                “Oh, Jasper – when did you move into a new house?” 

                Almost seven years ago after she and Bismuth had fixed up the house his grandmother left him and sold it.  “Not too long ago.”

                “It’s nice.” 

                “Thank you.”  Jasper wandered into the kitchen and hung her purse from the hook on the wall.  “Hey, Ames.  What are you making?” 

                “A whole Italian feast.  We’re celebrating.” 

                Her eyes took in the casserole dish of lasagna, the huge bowl of salad and the pan of garlic bread Amethyst was sliding into the oven.  She was willing to bet there was a store-bought tiramisu in the fridge.  Jasper, however, was not in a celebratory mood.  “What’s up?”  She looked around then dropped her voice. “Did you tell them?  About, you know?” 

                “No, not yet,” Amethyst whispered.  “But I have decided to keep it and I’m just waiting until I’m in my second trimester to say anything.”

                “I waited until then with Allie.” 

                “You didn’t know you were pregnant until you were halfway along.” 

                Truthfully, Jasper had suspected it, but she’d never tell anyone she went to war with even an inkling she was with child.  Honestly, she thought she’d lose that pregnancy, just like Michael.  By the time it became evident, she’d been nineteen weeks in. 

                “No, Crystal, stop bothering me!”  Allie yelled from the stairs. 

                “Ah, there’s my wonderful offspring now…”  Jasper turned and shouted out the kitchen entrance.  “What are you fighting about this time?!”

                Crystal ran in and went straight to her mother.  “Allie won’t help write a letter.” 

                “I’ve been trying to tell her that a letter won’t work.” 

                “But if they know what a good dad he is, they’ll let him go,” Crystal protested. 

                Amethyst put an arm around her daughter’s shoulders.  “They know.  They know about you and your sister and brother and Nadima.  He has his own lawyer who is working very hard to make sure he gets out of jail.” 

                “And then I can see him?” 

                “Yes.” 

                Jasper hoped that was the case.  She knew a hearing was set for August, but not necessarily a trial.  The judge could make a decision then and there depending on the evidence, which Jasper hoped was working in Tubaz’s favor, but thus far, all she knew was what she had said.  She looked over as her mother entered the kitchen.  “What do you need, Mom?”

                Penina sighed and looked around.  “I can’t remember why I came in here.  I think I’d like a glass of water.”  She accepted one from Amethyst.  “I think I was looking for your father.” 

                And there it was…the inevitable.  Whether it was permanent or not remained to be seen, but at least for a moment, she’d forgotten her husband was gone.  Jasper took a deep breath and put an arm around her mother.  “He’s not here.  Dad is with Bismuth.” 

                “Oh…okay.”  She looked at the food with bewilderment in her eyes.  “Is it a birthday?” 

                “No, Mom, but we are celebrating,” Amethyst told her excitedly.  “My publisher called today and they are going to publish my collection of stories and legends from Samoa.  I should be getting the advance soon.  Also – and this is amazing – you remember that mermaid book I wrote a while ago?”  When most of them nodded, she continued speaking.  “An animation company wants to make a movie of it.  So, I go in next week to discuss that a little more and I can probably expect a pretty good payday from it.”

                 “Aunt Ames, that’s awesome!”  Allie exclaimed. 

                Penina nodded approvingly.  “You’ve done well for yourself, now you need to give me a grandchild.”

                “I’ll start working on that right away,” Amethyst told her with a wink. 

                “No, no, get married first.”

                “Too late – I’ve already done the do.”  Amethyst opened the oven and took the steaming garlic bread out. 

                Allie, who was in the middle of setting the table, turned and put her hands on her hips.  “I did not need to know that.”

                “Crystal exists,” Jasper gestured to her niece.  “How do you think she got here?”

                “I’m an alien and I hatched from an egg…” Crystal said. 

                There were times the child was so weird – like now – Jasper would believe it.  Well, she had a few years yet before she needed to know the truth.  Actually…no, she had a few months before she’d see her mom’s belly rounding and have all sorts of questions.  Jasper was certain Amethyst had a whole story planned be it the stork or the cabbage patch…or an alien egg.  She, on the other hand, had been much more upfront about it when Allie questioned years ago how Crystal would come out of her aunt’s belly button.  Children, Jasper figured, could understand more than they were given credit for and she honestly wanted to tell Crystal that there was a chance her father would not be able to stay here with her.

                As they sat down and passed around the food, Amethyst looked at her sister.  “So, since things are looking up financially, are you ready to look into school?” 

                “I have.  I still need to take the assessment test online.  I’m pretty confident in most subjects, but I may end up in Math for Dummies.”  Jasper filled half her plate with salad. 

                Allie raised an eyebrow.  “Mom, aren’t you a little old to go back to school?” 

                “Thanks for the vote of confidence,” Jasper said.  “It’s never too late to further your education.” 

                “Oh, well, if you need to use the money for my braces to pay for it, I _totally_ understand.”

                “Nice try, Allie, but my GI Bill pays for college.  You’re still getting braces.”  She took a piece of garlic bread and passed the plate along to her mother.  “Your father had them and I had them.  It’s time to enter your awkward phase.”

                “I never grew out of mine,” Amethyst commented.  

                “Yeah, you’re still a short, little weirdo,” Jasper teased.

                After dinner, both of them stepped outside while the girls kept their grandma company.  Amethyst sighed.  “Mom’s doing good most days.  I’m just really not sure what to do.  I miss living here but she won’t do well here because of the stairs and she can’t be on her own.” 

                “No, she can’t.”  Jasper pulled her hair back and secured it with an elastic tie she’d had around her wrist.  “So, what are you thinking?” 

                “Well, Crystal and I could move in with her, but I can’t be with her all the time, so I’d have to rely on help every so often and I have to think about the next seven months…or so.” 

                “How far along are you?” 

                “About eleven weeks.”  Amethyst rested her hands on her stomach.  “The doctor said everything in the ultrasound looked good.  I got to see his or her little heart beating.”   

                Jasper nodded, thinking about it in her head.  “So, you got pregnant…early May-ish?” 

                “Yeah.  I also still need to tell the father.” 

                “And who would that be?”  She raised an eyebrow.  If her calculations were correct, Amethyst got pregnant sometime around the night they’d gone to the club and gotten in a fight.  She could only think of one man her sister had been around that night and if it was who she thought it was, well, Iraq could have him. 

                Amethyst sighed.  “Someone you don’t like, but after you stormed out, he noticed I was upset and we got to talking and then we went to his car and comfort led to other things.” 

                She thought back to that night, but all of the men she remembered were unfamiliar, except…  “Ames, you didn’t…with _him_?!”

                “Hey, I don’t know why you have a problem with Tani; he’s been nothing but nice to me.  He actually seems like a decent guy underneath all his rough edges.”

                Well, at least Amethyst hadn’t seduced a married man, but still.  “Ugh, he’s a pig.” 

                “He’s really not.  I told him he tries too hard, comes on too strong, but when he relaxes and is just himself…”  Amethyst shrugged, “…he’s pretty awesome.  We’ve actually been out a couple of times since Dad died.” 

                “And you didn’t tell him about the baby?” 

                Amethyst sat down in a patio chair.  “I’m not sure how he’ll take it.  I mean, he’s – what – forty?  Does he even want kids?” 

                Jasper recalled their conversation after the anniversary party as she took a seat next to her sister.  “As a matter-of-fact, he does.  He wants kids, a wife, a family – all that.” 

                “Oh fuck, I don’t know about the wife bit.”  Amethyst laughed.  “But, anyway, I’m supposed to go out with him Saturday, so I’ll likely tell him the news then.  Can you watch Mom and the girls that night?”

                “Yeah, I’m free.”  Jasper sat back in her chair and looked out over the yard as the sun was just beginning its descent for the night.  Well, if he and Amethyst did end up married, at least Tani already annoyed her like any brother should. 

                “So, everything went okay with your interview?” 

                Jasper nodded.  “I told them what I knew.  It’s tough reliving that though.  It’s hard talking about the last day there – when they beat me…” she shuddered.  “…what Akhram did in the end.  Then I find out something new because they had a copy of the medical report.  When I was in the hospital, all they said was that I was no longer pregnant and I just accepted that.” 

                “What did they say?” 

                She went silent for a few moments going over the injuries she’d received in her head – fractured eye socket and cheekbone, concussion, three broken bones in her hand, broken arm, her leg broken in two places requiring surgery, eight broken ribs, severe internal injuries to her uterus, in which they’d found… “I was carrying twins.”

                “What?” 

                “The doctors found two embryos at about nine weeks gestation.”  She sighed.  “Akhram took two babies from me, along with the possibility of ever having more.  I mean, I had Allie, obviously, but, it still hurts because I was ready to go through with that pregnancy.  I really try not to let him get to me – especially since he’s gone and I’m still here, but the past just has ways of coming back and making it worse.  I really didn’t need to know that.”

                “I’m sorry, Jasps.”  Amethyst put a hand on her shoulder.  “Have you thought about getting rid of that dagger you kept?” 

                “I keep it to remind myself I can overcome anything…but I suppose sometimes it does the opposite and makes me think of all the shit he put me through.” 

                “Dude, you’re like one of the strongest people I know.  I’d probably still be a fucking mess if all that happened to me.  But, hey, he’s dead and you’re still alive and you might have someone who actually cares for you, huh?”  Amethyst nudged her with her elbow.  “How are things going with Greg?” 

                “They’re not.  He asked me out the same day Dad died and he hasn’t brought it up since.” 

                “So, ask him out.  It’s not the fifties, we can do that now.  Text him and ask him.” 

                Jasper simply nodded then sat silent for a few moments until Amethyst gave her an expectant look.  “What?  Now?” 

                “No, I figure wait until, you know, Allie is grown and Greg has hair growing out of his ears and your boobs are to your knees – yes, now!”

                “My boobs will never be to my knees…”  Jasper fished her phone out of her pocket and typed a quick text to Greg:  ‘ _I wanted to thank you for all your help recently.  Since we never made it to the drive-in, would you like to go to the movies Friday night?  My treat_.’

                Crap, she didn’t even know what was playing at the movies.  What if all the movies were sappy romantic-comedies or children’s animation or something just plain stupid?  Her cell phone pinged and she looked at it. 

                                _Greg: ‘With the kids or just us?’_

_Jasper: ‘I was thinking just us.’_

_Greg: ‘That sounds great.  Do you have a movie in mind?’_

                Shit.  “What movie should I take him to see?” 

                “Oh, that one where the rich guy gets amnesia and falls in love with the first woman he sees when he wakes up,” Amethyst suggested. 

                “Hard pass.”  _Ping!_

_Greg: ‘If you’re up for it, that new action movie with The Rock in it looks good.’_

                Jasper bit her lip.  Oh yeah, she could sit through two hours of staring at the hottest man alive. 

                                _Jasper: ‘Good choice.’_

                                _Greg: ‘Maybe afterwards, I could treat you to dessert.’_

                Jasper typed back that she’d like that and they ironed out a few more details before they said good-night and she slid the phone back in her pocket.  “I have a date Friday.”  That’s when the nervousness settled in her stomach as butterflies.  “Oh God…I have a date Friday.”

                “You’ll be okay.  Wear something sexy – but not too sexy…actually, what the hell, go all out.  And don’t forget condoms, you know, just in case.” 

                “We have children at both our houses…where would we do it?” 

                Amethyst shrugged.  “You could get a room.” 

                “I barely have money for gas some paychecks, what makes you think I can afford a hotel room for an hour just to fuck?” 

                “The back of his van?” 

                “Been there, done that.” 

                “Really?”  Amethyst sat back and smirked at her.  “Go on…”

                Jasper gave a scoff that turned into a laugh.  “Okay, I’m not discussing my sex life with you.”  As Amethyst joined her in laughing, Jasper felt some of the stress of the day melting from her and as much as it had hurt to think about her past, the promise of the future lay before her.

*

                “I have a date tomorrow, so you’ll go over your grandma’s as soon as I’m out of work and your aunt can watch you,” Jasper told Allie as they walked out of her karate class Thursday night. 

                “That’s a nice idea, or – and consider this – I could stay home.  All.  By.  My. Self.”  Allie grinned proudly. 

                Jasper pressed the button on the key fob to unlock the car and got in.  “I’m giving that a soft ‘no’, unless you can convince me why it’s a good idea.” 

                As soon as they arrived home, Allie disappeared for about an hour while Jasper did the dishes and then sat down and opened her laptop.  Finally, her daughter stood in front of the couch with multiple pieces of paper and cleared her throat.  “Why I’m old enough to stay home alone.  A presentation by Allie Cordero.” 

                She fought hard not to laugh.  “This didn’t require a presentation.”

                Allie held up the first crudely drawn picture, which depicted herself with a grossly oversized bosom.  “I am almost twelve – notice how much I’m growing up.” 

                Jasper let out a snicker at the sharp contrast between the picture and Allie’s maybe A-cup chest.  She leaned back on the couch and crossed her arms.  “Next.” 

                The following picture showed her sleeping in bed and sitting at a desk writing.  “I’m responsible.  I go to bed on time and do my homework without being told.  I mean…it’s summer so there’s no homework, but you get the point. ”   She flipped through the pages.  “And here we can see I know how to cook so I can fend for myself.” 

Jasper almost hated to admit it, but Allie was making some valid points and her resolve on the issue was starting to crack.  “Go on.”

Allie showed her another picture of a house with two figures – both round, but one older and one younger with long purple hair.  “Aunt Ames and Grandma are like five minutes away if I really need something, but if there’s an intruder…” she produced another drawing, “I know karate, which would be helpful in the event that I have to protect myself from burglars or zombies.”

                Her stomach muscles quivered as a laugh threatened to escape.  It was incredibly hard to keep her composure at this point.  “I’ve seen _The Walking Dead_ – you have to somehow destroy a zombie’s brain to kill it.  In the event of a zombie invasion, how do you propose to do this?” 

                “I grab the gun from your room and…”

                Jasper made a sound like a buzzer.  “You don’t have the key to the cabinet, nor do you know how to turn off the safety and you’re not going to be able to shoot the broad side of a barn, much less a zombie’s head, your first time using one.  Also, assuming I allow this, you are not allowed in my room, zombie apocalypse or not.”  She may have forgiven, but had not forgotten the incident with her tank top.

                “I grab a knife from the kitchen and stab it in the head.” 

                “Very good.  Now, for a more likely scenario, someone knocks on the door.  What do you do?” 

                “Ignore it and pretend I’m not home.” 

                “But you get curious and look through the keyhole and it’s Garnet.” 

                “Then I open the door.” 

                “No…that is the incorrect response.  You ask her for the password and there is no password so you do not open the door.”

                “Oh…right.”  She put her hands on her hips.  “But do you really think Garnet would kidnap me?”

                “I think she’d bring you back in less than an hour…”

                “Wow, rude.”

                “Okay, there’s someone at the door, but this time it’s Dad.  What do you do?”   

                “Then…I open the door?” 

                “No!  Because then it’s _definitely_ zombies – you do NOT open the door.” 

                “Why are you so weird?” 

                Finally, Jasper let out soft laughter, followed by a sigh and a shake of her head.  She recalled she was about eleven or twelve when she not only was left alone, but also in charge of watching Amethyst.  “Okay, since you clearly want this, I will allow you to stay home – alone – tomorrow while I’m on my date.”

                “YES!”  Allie jumped in the air, sending papers skyward then fluttering down all around her. 

                “You’re cleaning that up.”  Jasper cleared her throat.  “I’d prefer you not cook without an adult in the house.  I will pick up a pizza on the way home that you can eat for dinner.” 

                Allie’s eyes lit up.  “Ham with pineapple?” 

                “Sure.  You can watch a movie or read – no strangers, no sharp objects, no fire…no boys.”

“Why would I have boys over?”

“You won’t.  As you said, your aunt is five minutes away so call her if you really need her.” 

                “Can I make popcorn?”  She knelt down and began retrieving the papers.

                “If the pizza isn’t enough, then yes.” 

                “Can I watch a movie?” 

                “What movie?” 

                “ _Deadpool._ ” 

                “Hard ‘no’ on that one.”  Jasper felt she herself wasn’t old enough to watch some scenes in that one.

                “ _Wonder Woman_?”

                Jasper paused to consider this.  It was PG-13 and it had been a while since she’d watched it, but she didn’t recall anything horrible that would scar Allie for life.  “Okay.” 

                The papers Allie had just picked up exploded once again around the room as her daughter exclaimed loudly with joy.  “You’re the best mom ever!”

                “Hey, hey, prove to me you deserve it.  If I come home and the house isn’t burnt down and there’s no evidence of a wild party and you haven’t been turned into a zombie, then you can stay home alone more often.”

                “Thank you!  Thank you!  Thank you!”  Allie hugged her, then ran off, stopping to peek around the corner and exclaim: “Thank you!” one more time before running upstairs.

                Finally, after hearing Allie’s door close, Jasper tilted her head back and roared with laughter at how ridiculous – and cute – her daughter could be sometimes.

*

                Jasper decided to ignore Amethyst’s advice and go casual to the movies, pairing the top of her _puletasi_ with denim Capri pants and sandals.  She was relieved to see Greg had the same idea as he wore a black shirt with a star and jeans.  She smiled as she met him outside the theater.  “Hey.”  

                “Wow, Jasper, you look great.” 

                Okay, she had done her makeup, so she knew she looked refreshed after a day of work.  “Thanks.  You too.” 

                He laughed a little.  “The car wash was hectic – I barely had time to put a fresh shirt on and I didn’t even change my shoes.” 

                She looked down to see him wearing beat up tennis shoes.  “Honestly, we’re going to be in a dark theater so I think you’re good.”  Jasper paid for their tickets and they stepped into the theater lobby where the fresh smell of popcorn permeated the air.  Her stomach rumbled, but she shook her head. 

                “Are you hungry?  I don’t mind getting the popcorn if you want to split some.” 

                “I don’t really eat that kind of food.” 

                The scent roused Jameela from her nap on the couch and she inhaled deeply.  ‘ _That smells amazing_!’

                “Oh come on,” Greg encouraged.  “You can’t always eat healthy all the time, right?”

                “I…I usually do – especially now that my sister and I are trying to set a good example for the kids…”

                “That may be, but they’re not here, are they?”  Greg wiggled his eyebrows almost comically. 

                Jasper inhaled deeply through her nose.  Greg was right and Allie was probably on her fourth slice of Hawaiian pizza at this very minute.  “Well…okay.”

                She tried to remember the last time she’d even been to the movies as they got popcorn and sodas and made their way into the theater to sit in the big, reclining chairs.  She supposed the last time she went was when she and Amethyst took the girls to see an animated film around Christmas.  The movie itself was much of what she’d expected from an action flick – the world was ending and it was up to The Rock’s character to save humanity as he’d done in countless other movies.  She mouthed the words: ‘And now…we rebuild’ along with him as the story ended and the heroes looked around at the devastation with hope in their eyes. 

                Afterwards, Jasper and Greg walked the short distance to an ice cream shop where she felt guilty indulging after eating that popcorn and made a promise to herself to try and run a little extra tomorrow. 

                “So, what was your favorite part of the movie?”  Greg asked. 

                _‘Ooooh, when The Rock took his shirt off,’_ Jameela said. 

                _‘I am NOT saying that in front of Greg…’_  Jasper leaned back in the booth.  “If I can be honest…it was just like every other action movie I’ve ever seen.  It’s like when you go to McDonald’s and order a Big Mac.  You know exactly what you’re getting – no more, no less – and it’s satisfying, but only just.  Does that make sense?”

                Greg rolled his eyes and laughed.  “Completely!  God, I was sitting there trying to think if I’ve seen this movie before, but there are a billion others like it.  The trailers make it seem new and exciting, but it’s just an excuse for that…Rock fellow…to take off his shirt and have women drool all over him like a side of beef.” 

                Jasper laughed.  “Yeah…” 

                “But still there must’ve been some part you liked.”

                “I guess…when he rescued that one lady after the hurricane hit and she was drowning and he had to dive into the water.” 

                “So…when he took his shirt off?” 

                “No, not that time.  The second time.” 

                Greg gave her a smirk.  “So, when he came out of the water in a soaking wet, white T-shirt.”

                There was clearly no getting out of this one.  “Fine, I’m one of those women – I think he’s hot.”

                “I could tell because every time he was on screen, you leaned forward a little.” 

                Jasper stirred her ice cream and plucked a cherry out by its stem.  “He was my ‘exception’.” 

                “Your what?” 

                “Bismuth and I had one ‘exception’ – a celebrity crush that was a free pass if we ever by chance met them and they were into us, we could go for it, no objections from the other person in the marriage.  The Rock was mine and then whenever I brought it up, Bismuth always had to remind me his first name is Dwayne.”  She shook her head.  “How one of the sexiest men on the planet has such an unsexy name is beyond me.”

                “And would you have?  Would you have slept with him given the chance?” 

                “I used to think so, but I really doubt I would have.  You know, yes, The Rock is nice to look at, but for all I know, maybe he stinks.  Maybe he has a small dick.  Besides, I loved Bismuth and even if it was with my celebrity crush, I never could have cheated on him.”  Jasper tucked some hair behind her ear and shook her head.  “Sorry, that got pretty deep for ice cream.”

                “It’s okay.  I think it’s great you have such good memories of your husband.  It shows how much you cared for him.” 

                “Sometimes Allie looks like him.  She laughs like he did and I know she got her optimism from him, ‘cause it sure didn’t come from me.”  Jasper snickered.  “You know she made this whole presentation about why she was old enough to be on her own for an evening.  So, she’s by herself now and I’m a little nervous about it.” 

                “That’s normal.  I worried the first time I left Stuball, but he’s a responsible kid and so is Allie.  When does she go off to camp?” 

                “Next week.  We just went shopping for a few new things this past weekend, but I still need to buy her a Bible.  I was a little surprised we didn’t have one in the house…”

                “You don’t strike me as the religious type.” 

                “I’m not.  After a lot of shit, God and I are at odds with each other.  Well, I’m unsure how He feels about me, but I’m not too happy with Him and some of His decisions and it would take a miracle for me to sing His praises.”  She chuckled lightly.  “Another deep topic for ice cream, but how about you?” 

                Greg shrugged.  “On the fence.  I’d like to think there’s a higher power, but I’m unsure – comforting thought sometimes, though, you know.  Okay, lighter topic – favorite color, go.” 

                “Purple.” 

                “Really?  I didn’t think…”

                “Yeah no one does.  Amethyst kind of claimed it as her own at some point, but I find shades of purple relaxing.  You?” 

                He smiled, his eyes drinking in her beauty and the color of the top she wore.  “I think it would be obvious…Girl in the Orange Shirt.”

                Jasper felt heat creep into her cheeks.  “So, you noticed me just because my tank top was your favorite color?” 

                “No…it wasn’t just that,” he told her with a gentle smile.  “I see the shirt has changed over the years, but you certainly haven’t.” 

                She ran her fingers along the beaded neckline.  “There was an…incident...my mom turned it into this.  As for me, well…yeah I’ve changed.” 

                Greg reached across the table and took her hand.  “No, your eyes are still the same with that spark in them.  You have that wild spirit about you and that mysterious quality that makes me want to know you better.  I don’t think it’s any secret that I don’t want to wait another seventeen years to see you again.” 

                She felt those familiar sparks of electricity spread from her hand and through her body as a warm sensation pooled in her chest.  “I don’t want to wait either.”

*

                Jasper arrived home past ten, which hadn’t been the plan, but she and Greg had talked for quite a while at the ice cream parlor.  The evening had ended with one of the sweetest kisses she could remember and her lips still tingled from the excitement of it.  For the first time, facial hair had not mattered, though she’d found his beard softer than expected.  He had told her he planned on moving his personal training session on Tuesday to her latest available slot so they could go to dinner afterwards. 

                Looking around the house, nothing seemed out of place except for a cardboard box on the coffee table with half a cold pizza left inside.  _Wonder Woman_ was not on the TV, but instead Allie was watching another episode of _Jane the Virgin_. 

                “I know,” she heard Allie say excitedly into her phone.  “I can’t believe the killer was…oh, Mom’s home.  I don’t know, but I’ll ask her.” 

                “Who are you talking to?” 

                “Aunt Ames.” 

                Jasper raised an eyebrow.  “You wanted to stay home alone rather than have your aunt watch you and you’re talking to her on the phone?” 

                “I had to call her because this character _died_ , like…” she made a slashing motion across her neck, “…and they just found out that killer is…” 

                “What kind of show is this?” 

                “A _good_ one.”  Allie told her aunt good-bye, then hung up the phone.  “I think you’ll find the house is intact.” 

                “Well, it’s not burnt to the ground, there’s no evidence of a wild rave and you don’t appear zombified.” 

                Allie leaned her head back against the couch and gave her mom a glassy-eyed look.  “Braaaaaaaiiiins…”

                “Stop that.  It’s creepy.”  Jasper took a seat on the couch next to her. 

                “So, how was your date with Mr. Uniiiiiiverrrrrse,” Allie’s voice had a suggestive quality. 

                Jasper laughed.  “It was nice…very nice.”

                “Did you kiiiiiiiiss?” 

                “Don’t you think that’s private?” 

                “Oh my God!  You totally did!”  She grabbed her phone.  “I gotta text Steven – we had a bet!”

                “Did you now?”  Jasper grabbed the phone and set it down.  “You don’t need to text him.”

                “So, you didn’t kiss him?” 

                “If I did I wouldn’t tell you, would I?”  Jasper leaned back and gave a happy sigh.  “I take it you like Steven’s dad.”  

                “He’s kind of cool, you know, for a grown up.  He sings weird songs and tells bad puns and one time he made waffles with chocolate syrup and popcorn and whipped cream for dinner.” 

                “That sounds…”  Disgusting.  Unhealthy.  Ridiculous.  “Interesting.”

                “They call it ‘together breakfast’.” 

                “Uh-huh.  Well, finish your show and go to bed – and put that pizza in the fridge.”  Jasper stifled a yawn.  “I’m exhausted.”   She kissed her daughter on the forehead. 

                “Wait, you’re trusting me to go to bed by myself.” 

                “No fire, no party, no zombies – yeah, I think I can do that.  Good night.”  Once in her room, Jasper changed into a comfortable pair of pajamas and brushed her teeth before sliding into bed.  As tired as she was though, her mind still buzzed with excitement and it was taking everything in her not to squeal like some teenage girl over how the evening had unfolded.  The soft sounds of a light clicking off and footsteps coming up the stairs soon found her ears.  “A lot is happening, Jameela,” she whispered.  “Allie’s growing up and I’m really open to the possibility of love again.” 

                Jameela nodded, sitting cross-legged on her couch.  ‘ _Me too…but, then I am you_.’

So, there were still some things to work out in her life, such as exactly what Jameela was and how they were going to permanently come together and be whole again. 

‘ _It may be a bit premature to say it, but…_ ’

                The worries she’d briefly had dissolved as Jasper felt them merging again, in the sense of happiness and peace the end of this day was bringing.  “…he may be the one.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jasper x Greg forever. 
> 
> Next chapter we'll find out about Tubaz's fate.


	24. Trial and Error

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank J. Hellscythe for the offer to use their original character in this chapter. I will say, I ordinarily don't do this, but they have been a faithful reader of my work and I did need a former member of the Marines as one of the witnesses in the trial. So, when I read the specifics of Colonel Jack Spencer, I realized it would be very easy to slip this character in and have it work well. :) And I like to think it did, so thank you so much!

** Chapter 23 – Trial and Error **

_She sat at the table, in a chair, in her uniform and immediately knew she was dreaming.  This room was familiar, but it wasn’t, because just like any other place in her mind, like Jameela’s apartment, it was only a reflection of what used to exist.  There was no window…no bed…nor bathroom, just four concrete walls with chains coming out of them that were attached to the wrists of her enemies._

_Jasper leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees and smirking, while Tubaz sat behind the table and Jameela, on the other side, her pose more dignified than Jasper’s as she crossed her ankles and rested her hands gently on her lap.  They were judge, jury and executioner._

_“I think they should burn,” Jasper declared simply.  “For all their crimes against us…and against others…they should face eternal fire.”_

_“I should not be here, you whore!”  Akhram screamed.  “I should be in Paradise!”_

_Kawartaz simply rattled his unbreakable chains and glared at everyone around the table._

_Jasper lit a match.  “I should set your clothes on fire and then attempt to put it out with gasoline.”_

_“The Holy Quran states in Paradise there is lots of water,” Tubaz stated.  “Perhaps their punishment shouldn’t be to burn after all.”_

_“It is in my nature to offer mercy if that is what you seek,” Jameela told them._

_Akhram attempted to lunge at her, but the chains held him back.  “You expect me to beg you?  You, of all people?”_

_Jasper pinched the match with her fingers, putting out and flicking it on the floor in front of him.  “You sought Paradise and in your idea of such a place, there is lots of water.  Water was a luxury you punished me for seeking, but I am prepared to be more than generous.”   She snapped her fingers and it began…dripping, then gushing from the ceiling, sloshing onto the floor and rising to her ankles._

_Jameela stood.  “I believe Jasper and I are in agreement.  Once the hearing is over, we will do exactly what we are about to do here.”_

_“We will leave you – and this place – far behind and we will never think of it again.”  Jasper waded through the water, which soaked her pants up to her knees now.  She grabbed Akhram by the neck and slammed him up against the wall.  “But I am sure you will think of me every instant of every day for all eternity.”_

_Akhram struggled to escape her grasp as the water rose to his neck.  He attempted to get to his feet, but the chains wouldn’t allow him to stand and his boots slid on the wet floor.  Jasper let go, dropping him into the water, which quickly climbed up the wall to just above his head, just out of range of his mouth so he couldn’t take a breath.  She glanced over at Kawartaz, the sheer height of him meaning the water scaled the wall higher on his end of the room so he met the same fate.  It stayed for a moment or two until both men were in clear pain.  It was pain Jasper knew…that burning feeling of her lungs wanting to explode…that wild fear knowing she was one badly timed breath away from drowning…that panic…but now it didn’t bother her.  Now, she could turn away and she did as the water drained away a few inches to allow her tormentors a few gasping breaths and a single anguished cry she was certain came from Akhram before the water rushed in again._

_And it would be like this for them…forever._

_She turned to Tubaz.  “Now, we need to get you out of prison…and when we do, we will all be free of this.”_

_Jameela opened the door as they exited, leaving behind the two men to suffer.  Some would say they deserved to burn, but others would argue that even water can be hell._

*

Jasper would have preferred to wear pants to the hearing, but Amethyst insisted a skirt would look nicer.  Doing research online told her to never wear black or something with a busy pattern.  She read her attire should be modest and respectful.  “So…do they sell Amish dresses online?” 

                In the end, she and Amethyst went shopping and she found a blue business suit that wasn’t too expensive and would go well with the black flats she already owned. 

                “You’ll want to wear pantyhose with that,” Amethyst told her.

                “Not on your life.  I hate pantyhose.” 

                “Do you want chub rub?  Because that’s how you get chub rub,” her sister said, referencing uncomfortable thigh chaffing. 

                 So, on the morning of the hearing, she walked into the courthouse feeling uncomfortable and out of place in this outfit she otherwise wouldn’t wear.  The strange thing was that the clothes weren’t that much different than the dress uniform she used to wear in the Army.  However, this jacket wasn’t decked out in ribbons and medals; the sleeves were devoid of any insignia, and though her hair was pulled back, her head was uncovered.  In contrast, Jameela was turning around in front of the mirror in full dress uniform.  ‘ _What the fuck are you doing?_ ’ Jasper asked.

                ‘ _I’m a warrior too and this is battle_.’  Jameela fixed the standard hat on her head. 

                _‘Um…since when are you a warrior?’_

_‘Since forever, I guess.  We are one in the same.’_

_‘You keep saying that, yet we’re still separated.’_

                Jasper’s shoes tapped against the smooth floor as she walked down the hallway toward the courtroom they told her to go to.  She ran her hands over the front of the skirt, hoping it was past her knees enough to cover her tattoo. 

                “Sergeant?”  a familiar voice asked almost cautiously. 

                Jasper paused at the door, her hand ready to open it, but she turned and gave a slight smile to Thompson.  “I haven’t been for a while now.”

                “I was afraid you wouldn’t help us after you just left the chat like that.”  He wore his uniform and still looked very much the same as he had fifteen years ago, perhaps with a few extra lines as he gave her a smile.  “I mean, how are you?” 

                “I’m fine, and of course, I’m helping.  He helped us, didn’t he?”

                “He saved our behinds; that’s what he did.” 

                She raised her eyebrow at the use of the word ‘behind’ but then remembered he was a man of God now and probably used to curbing his language around his small children.  In contrast, Allie was well-acquainted with the word ‘ass’.  “I saw you have kids now.” 

                “Sure do!”  Thompson proclaimed proudly producing his phone and showing her a picture.  “My wife, Michelle – Sariah, Rebekah and Eli.” 

                In spite of why they were here and how they knew each other, Jasper was happy to see this.  His life had continued after their ordeal.  “You have a beautiful family.”  She took out her phone and flipped to a family photo.  “My sister and my niece…and that’s my daughter, Allie.”

                “Oh wow…she looks like Sergeant Cordero.” 

                “Which one?”  She asked with a wink then laughed lightly.  “No, she does have a lot of her dad in her.”  She looked at the photo and hoped Allie was having fun at summer camp.

                “I was sorry to hear of his passing.  He was a great soldier.”

                She nodded in agreement.  “Did you…I mean, did your paths ever cross again?’ 

                Thompson shook his head.  “But I remember him from way back when.  It was obvious he was into you and I was happy to hear that you two got married.  I’m sure he loved you very much.” 

                “He did.”  She smiled at the memory of him…of how much she’d been looking forward to him coming home.  “We were hoping to spend Christmas together that year, but…” she sighed.  “It was his favorite holiday and I really haven’t celebrated it since.” 

Jasper recalled her burning anger at the tree itself – the symbol of light and hope she and Allie had erected together.  Once Allie had been asleep in bed the night after the funeral, Jasper had ripped the tree apart with her bare hands.  She’d broken the plastic branches and ripped off needles.  She’d smashed the ornaments – both store-bought and the ones Allie had made – and tore the decorative skirt underneath.  And then, there was the angel – she’d grabbed it, snapping its neck and breaking off its head as she’d done with Amethyst’s dolls years ago.  Once she’d put the tree in the trash can outside, along with the remains of the ornaments and the angel and after she’d applied peroxide to the cuts on her hands and cried for an hour, she looked over to see their wedding ornament on the floor.  She could have sworn she’d broken it, too, but apparently it had survived.  Unable to look at or destroy it, she’d hidden it away in a desk drawer.  Her parents could deal with the Christmas holiday, but it wouldn’t be in her house.  In fact, she not only didn’t do much to celebrate – she’d downright hated it after Bismuth passed away.

“That must not make for a very happy season then.  I’m not sure how religious you are, but, if I may…”

                Jasper sighed.  “Go ahead.”

                “Christmas celebrates the birth of our Lord and every year, your husband gets to spend that day in the greatest joy with Jesus Himself.  Now, do you think when he’s up there having an amazing holiday with the very person it’s about that he’d want you to be sad?   Sorrow and grief are normal, of course, even years later, but do you think he’d want you to ignore the holiday altogether or to continue the traditions you made together as a beautiful way of keeping his memory alive?” 

                She paused for a moment.  Bismuth would have been devastated at the sight of the tree once Jasper was done with it.  He would have never been able to imagine a year without Christmas and from wherever he was in Heaven, he probably hated that Allie didn’t have much of a holiday when she was at the very age that it should still be magical and whimsical.  She nodded.  “He’d want us to go on and be happy.  It’s just, his death is something I’ve been angry at God about for a long time.” 

                “It’s never easy to lose someone, but instead of being angry, when you miss him and when you feel like the sorrow is too great, that’s when you should turn to God for comfort, instead of blaming Him.  It helps sometimes to remind yourself of the blessings He’s given you – such as your daughter – a physical, living life made from both you and your husband.  She’s a piece of him you get to keep forever.”

                Damn, he was good and she could feel it, like a weight lifting from her chest, all that hostility toward the Almighty dissipated a little and she exhaled like she’d been holding her breath for years.  God hadn’t killed her husband; rather, if He did control everyone’s fate and it was Bismuth’s time, He’d been merciful and taken him quickly with no suffering.  “You’re right.  She’s the greatest blessing in my life.”  

                “Hey, guys,” another familiar voice said. 

                Jasper looked over to see Jenkins – at least, she was pretty sure it was him even though he had a definite belly even under his suit jacket and his hair was thinning.  Not only that, but he had the audacity to show up in a goddamn wheelchair for sympathy points.  “Are you fucking kidding, Jenkins?  What?  Your prosthetic in the shop?  I’ve seen your Facebook so I know you have one.  Are you that fucking desperate to ruin a man’s life you’d stoop to this?”

                “Hey, fifteen years ago, you’d have shot him on sight.”

                “You know, you’re right, but then he helped us escape and today you know nothing about him.  He’s a husband and a father – very kind, very loving – he works helping people who were in situations like us bring their tormentors to justice.  You didn’t think about any of this.  Just like you used to do – you just shot off your mouth without ever thinking of the consequences.” 

                “He deserves whatever he gets.”

                “So, you’re the punk who turned him in, huh?!”  a booming voice resounded through the hall.  “After all the hell he went through and risked to get your sorry ass out of there – this is how you repay him?!”

                Jasper looked over to see a tall man walking toward them.  He was maybe fifty, his brown hair and bearded tinged with the slightest gray, scars lined his face and as he got close enough she saw his eyes were hardened…that, like her, he’d seen too much.  Her eyes flickered down to his left hand, which was made of synthetic material and she briefly wondered how he’d lost it.  Then she realized with that demeanor and his straight stance as he stood in front of them, he’d also been in the military. 

                 “You ever wonder how we found ya'll," he growled, gazing at Jasper and Thompson first before his eyes rested on Jenkins dangerously.  “It was because a scared kid who could speak English, a moderate amongst a group of extremists, had the courage to meet with me...Tubaz is your personal fucking Jesus, and you have spat in his face...there was a time I'd have given you a beating for such ungratefulness."

                 Jasper raised an eyebrow.  Comparing Tubaz to Jesus Christ may have been going a bit far.  “That’s okay.  I think we all had enough beatings in the prison.”

                “Not at the hands of that young man, you didn’t!  You should be thanking him for saving you and instead you’ve come here to condemn him to go back to a place he probably hardly remembers!” 

                “Excuse me, sir…”

                “Colonel,” he corrected.  “Colonel Jack Spencer, U.S. Marine Corps.  Or at least I was when I was medically discharged for losing this!”  He held up his left hand, the fingers contracting robotically.  “That’s right…found myself on the wrong end of a grenade during the siege when we liberated that god-awful place, but you know what – I’d go back tomorrow for this country if they’d let me.  Now, I intend to help Tubaz now, just as he had my support to get into the United States in the first place, but you didn’t know that, did you, you spineless worm?”  He looked down at Jenkins. 

                Apparently there was a lot they didn’t know.  Jasper filed into the courtroom with the others and took a seat, not next to anyone, though Thompson sat in the same row a ways down.  She recognized Tubaz even though she could only see the back of his head from where he sat at a table toward the front of the room.  There was another man with him who she knew had to be his lawyer.  Neither of them looked around or moved much at all.  She knew the woman in the front row wearing the blue hijab must be Nadima and Jasper wondered if she’d ever actually met his wife in person.  She’d seen pictures, of course, but couldn’t remember actually shaking her hand and formally meeting her.  Either Tubaz came to their house to get Crystal or Amethyst took her to Empire City, but Jasper and Nadima had never had any reason to be in the same room together…until today.

                The preceding was much like she’d anticipated.  The judge made it clear this was an immigration hearing, not a trial and that at this time no criminal charges were being filed.  Jasper knew from her research that they called up witnesses alphabetically by last name and her heart raced as she looked around and saw no one she knew with a name before hers.  Shit.  Of course there were other people in the courtroom she didn’t recognize, so it was entirely possible…

                “We’d like to call Jasper Cordero to the stand.”

                Shit.

                Her hands shook as she promised to tell the truth then took a seat in the stand.  Was being honest going to help Tubaz or hurt his case?  Her eyes flickered up to him as she realized she hadn’t actually seen him in well over a month.  She could tell he had lost some weight as his cheeks weren’t as full, but his beard was still trimmed neatly and he wore a nice suit.  Despite that most hats were not allowed in courtrooms, he wore the prayer cap she’d come to expect.  There was a tinge of fear in his eyes that she recognized and she remembered the first time she’d seen him when he’d come into the room where her and her men were standing.  He’d put on that façade of authority, but inwardly she’d seen his eyes and knew he was just as scared of them as they were of the men behind them holding guns. 

                His lawyer approached her and smiled.  “How are you today, Mrs. Cordero?” 

                Her eyes narrowed.  “I’m fine.  No need for small talk.”

                “Okay, so I read the statement you gave to the FBI, as I know our judge has too, and it was quite lengthy, so I’d like to focus on your relationship with Mr. Fayad.  You’ve known him about fifteen years, correct?” 

                “Yes, although there were several years we had no contact.  We only knew each other for about two months fifteen years ago and we reconnected about six years ago.” 

                “And what was the reason you reconnected?” 

                “He’s the father of my sister’s child.” 

                “So, you didn’t seek him out?”  When she answered ‘no’, he continued.  “Would you have thought to look him up or had a desire to meet with him if he hadn’t come into your life in such a way?” 

                Wow, that was a loaded question and one she hadn’t really thought about.  It took her a moment to come up with a careful response.  “I hadn’t thought to look him up, however, I also didn’t know his last name, nor that he was in this country.  However, under other circumstances had he reached out and offered to meet with me I would have done so, even if it was to do nothing more than to thank him.” 

                “What was your reaction when you did see him again?” 

                Jasper laughed unintentionally.  “Sorry, um…shocked.  I mean, I never expected to see him here and I definitely never thought he and my sister would have met up, much less had a baby.” 

                “Did you ever think to report him to INS?” 

                She scoffed.  “No.  I figured if he was here he had come here legally – which he did – and that everything was on the up-and-up.” 

                “So, despite everything you went through in that prison, you hold no hard feelings against him?” 

                “No,” she didn’t hesitate in her answer and she felt Jameela’s passion burning and fusing with her own.  She smiled recalling all the conversations she’d had with Tubaz and how he’d brought her comfort in her darkest moments.  “I suffered a lot there – I was beaten, tortured, raped, humiliated – but he never did any of those things.  He never even looked at me with harmful intent.  When I got back, I had to go into a psych ward for a month so the military could debug my mind and trust me, those terrorists tried a lot of mental…” _Do not swear in court_ , she reminded herself.  “…stuff on me – lots of psychological tricks to mess with me and I honestly believed I had feelings for them – particularly Akhram…” 

                “Referring to Akhram Abadi,” the lawyer interjected. “The commander of the prison?”  

                “Yeah, that asshole.” 

                “Mrs. Cordero, please refrain from such language,” the judge said. 

                “Sorry, Your Honor.  Yes, that rear end of a donkey.”  Jasper felt the judge’s eye on her at that, but continued anyway.  “But there was one relationship I knew was genuine – through all the terrorists’ meddling and the military’s debugging, I knew I had a genuine friendship with Tubaz and if it hadn’t been for his bravery, I wouldn’t be here today.  I’d either be dead or still captive there with a pregnant belly and six little Abadis running around my skirt.” 

“And in the six years you’ve known him here, has he ever given you any indication that he’s in contact with anyone involved in terrorism or that he, himself, is involved with terrorists here?”

“No.  I’ve never gotten that impression.  I owe my life to him and if it were up to me, I’d not only let him stay, I’d give him citizenship right now if I could.”

“In fact, he hasn’t broken any laws in this country ever, has he?” 

                “Not to my knowledge, no.  In fact, I doubt he’s ever had so much as a parking ticket.”  Of course, she knew he didn’t actually own a car with the subway readily available.

                “What impact would it have on your niece if he were deported?” 

                Jasper thought about Crystal and how she wore her hijab almost constantly.  “She talks about her dad all the time.  She misses him terribly.  She wanted to write a letter to the people at the jail about what a good father he is so they’d let him go.”  She gave a gentle laugh and shrugged.  “She wanted them to know he makes – and I quote – ‘the best grilled cheese sandwiches’.   Crystal is a five-year-old who knows nothing about war or terrorism – all she knows is that her father loves her and she hasn’t seen him in about six weeks, which to a child is a very long time.  If he’s deported, she may never see him again.  I know her mother wouldn’t ever send her to visit him – Iraq is still dangerous – and he’d never be able to come here.  No matter if she has other father-figures in her life, she only has one dad and right now she wants nothing more than to be able to see him on a regular basis again.”  Her eyes flickered up to Tubaz, whom she was certain was trying hard not to show any emotion, but his hand was over his heart as though the idea of never seeing Crystal again was too painful.

                “And the financial impact on your sister?” 

                She was a little taken aback by that question, but honestly hadn’t thought about the fact that Amethyst did receive child support from Tubaz, which meant that was not what either of them were concerned with.  “My sister doesn’t care about his money.  She wants her child to have a father – even if he made nothing, she’d want Crystal to grow up with her dad around.”  She cleared her throat and thought of something.  “My parents were immigrants, too, from Samoa.  The people there don’t have a lot – not very many are rich, but if you go there you realize they know that’s not what’s important.   The most important part of their culture is family…not just immediate, but extended.   They brought those ideals here and passed them down to myself and my sister, who in turn, are passing that importance to our own children.  Tubaz, his wife, his other children, they are Crystal’s family and by extension, that means he’s not just my friend, but he’s also my family.” 

                “So, you’re saying if he stays, you could put everything in the past and consider him part of your family?” 

                “Yes.”

                “No further questions.” 

                Really?  That was it?  She inwardly breathed a sigh of relief that she hadn’t had to answer any questions about the actions of Akhram or Kawartaz, but of course, they were not on trial.  As she returned to her seat, she caught the eye of someone she swore she recognized, but couldn’t place.  He sat there a few rows behind Nadima wearing a Marine dress uniform and smiled at Jasper as she passed him.  She knew she’d seen him before.  ‘ _Maybe he’s the Marine I slept with_ ,’ she thought as she took her seat.  

                ‘ _Um…he was white and didn’t he die_?’ Jameela asked.

                ‘ _Oh yeah_.’  This man was of Middle Eastern descent.  He was probably around her age, clean shaven with only the slightest hint of gray in his otherwise dark hair.  

                “We’d like to call Patrick Edris to the stand.” 

                The Marine stood and took his place at the front of the courtroom.  It wasn’t as if Jasper knew a lot of Marines.  Sure, there were times she’d worked with them, but she never did get too friendly as they’d part ways once the mission was complete.  

                “General Edris, can you tell me when you first met Mr. Fayad?” the lawyer asked. 

                “It was July of 2008 – I was briefed about an upcoming rescue mission and they needed someone to be able to go undercover.  Not that we didn’t trust Mr. Fayad, but someone with military knowledge needed to get into the prison and get a good idea of the layout so we knew exactly what to expect.”   He launched into his experience detailing his training to act and look like one of the terrorists, how they were able to get into the prison via a secret tunnel and how he’d personally seen that all the soldiers were still alive.  “Now, I anticipated fooling a lot of people, but Commander Abadi didn’t even realize I wasn’t one of his men.”

                Oh God…Jasper’s palms broke out in sweat and she realized where she’d seen him before.  He had been the guard in the room with her the night before she killed Kawartaz, which his next story confirmed.  No wonder Tubaz had brushed off the existence of this ‘guard’ the next morning.  There had never been a guard, but an undercover Marine gathering information.  According to him, his orders were to not to reveal himself to anyone, not even his fellow Americans.  

                “Did you ever think that perhaps Mr. Fayad meant to betray you at the last moment – that he could be leading you into a trap?” the lawyer asked.

                The general cleared his throat.  “I’d be lying if I said the thought hadn’t crossed my mind, but I also knew Colonel Spencer didn’t put his trust in just anybody, so if he trusted Tubaz, so did I.  As we all know, the mission was a success and not only were all four soldiers recovered, but we also were able to liberate other prisoners kept by the terrorists.” 

                “Not only that, but your forces took down one of the most wanted terrorist commanders in the area.” 

                He shook head.  “No, unfortunately, we couldn’t take credit for that one.  Sergeant Palamo was the one who killed him, so that victory went to the Army.” 

                Jasper looked down, not paying attention as a few follow-up questions were asked.  It was only a few days ago she’d had that dream and there was no doubt in her mind her tormentors were suffering eternally.  She’d woken up to see the dagger in its case and had a realization.  She’d been told she wouldn’t let go of it until she was unconscious that night she’d been almost killed.  While recovering in a nearby military hospital, Bismuth had brought it to her.  They knew it was frowned upon – if not against regulation – for her to keep it.  “To remind you that you can overcome anything,” he’d said. 

                Except now it didn’t seem to be working that way…now she felt hanging onto it meant she was hanging onto the past and until she let it go, until she truly walked away, she’d never be able to really put it behind her.  This hearing was the final hurdle as she watched Nadima take the stand.  Would she have to cut her ties with Tubaz?  Would they really deport him after all his help?  Or would she be able to keep him in her life?  She wanted nothing more than for him to be able to continue living here with his family.

                “My husband won’t even kill a spider,” Nadima said in response to a question about abuse.  “He would never hurt me…or the children.”

                Jasper gazed up at her face and recognized a fierceness in her lined eyes.  She remembered Amethyst saying something about Nadima proclaiming herself ‘queen of the house’ and from the information Jasper had heard over the years, Tubaz treated her as such.  Maybe they had an arranged marriage, but despite him never telling her about his past, here she was to defend him…to help him stay here with her.  They needed to let go and move on too.

                She’d expected Tubaz to go next, but she gathered they were saving his testimony for last and she found herself not looking forward to Jenkins speaking, especially when he seemed a little overly dramatic. 

                “And I just remember that one…” he pointed at Tubaz, “…eyes full of hatred as the doctor hacked my leg off…”

                “Now, according to your medical records I have here, the doctors at the military hospital after your rescue noted that your wounds looked to be that of a successful amputation and subsequent healing.  Would they have written this if the doctor there had ‘hacked it off’?”

                “Look, all I know is what I felt.  I was strapped to a table.  They gave me some kind of shot that made me sleepy but didn’t put me out and I felt every cut.  I just remember screaming and that interpreter putting his hands on my shoulders to hold me down.” 

                Jasper considered the scar she had just under her left breast from when she had been shot and it had been stitched up.  She hadn’t been given anything for pain; instead, she’d simply gritted her teeth and let the doctor work while she held as still as possible.  This had been the first day they’d been there and she recalled Tubaz standing by the table, though turned around so he wouldn’t see her with her shirt up. 

                And the doctor was there, called up later – a member of the Air Force who had been captured when their plane had been forced to make an emergency landing a little too close to the prison.  “I’d been there maybe six or seven months.  I was treated rather well because I had skills they could use and I complied with all the orders they gave.  I mean, I had no freedom, but I was given a small room – guarded, of course – and they brought me out whenever they had medical need.  I don’t know where they got supplies, nor did I ever ask, but I usually had what I needed to help with small injuries.” 

                “What of the injuries to Private Jenkins’ leg?” 

                “That was not small.  The bullet penetrated his thigh – he was incredibly lucky it missed the femoral artery or he would have died – but it caused a good amount of soft tissue damage.  I repaired the superficial damage, hoping they’d be rescued soon.  I didn’t want to even try to carry out a long, torturous surgery without proper anesthetic, however about a week later, Tubaz came to see me and let me know that the leg had turned red and pus was leaking from the wound, which wasn’t healing.  When I inspected him, I opened the wound and the infection was obvious.  He was also running a fever.  I asked if there was any way of getting antibiotics and there wasn’t, so I had to make a decision to either take the leg or let him die.  I was not going to let a young, eighteen-year-old kid die, so I immobilized him, gave him a little bit of morphine I had in my medical bag and got to operating.” 

                “And this must’ve been a painful surgery even with morphine.  How did Private Jenkins respond?” 

                “He screamed, as I expected he would.  He started crying and tried to lift his shoulders off the table, which is when Tubaz – gently – laid hands on him, both to hold him down and, I believe, to comfort him.  I can only imagine how Tubaz felt watching someone the same age as him going through something so horrible.  Eventually, Jenkins passed out from the pain.  I finished the surgery as quickly as I could.  It was a rocky few days, but with the leg gone, his body was able to take care of any bacteria that might have been in his blood and he started to improve.” 

                “But without the amputation, you’re positive he would have died.” 

                “There’s no doubt.  The gangrene would have spread, causing severe blood poisoning and septic shock.  He would have been gone in a week, easy.”

                “And if Tubaz hadn’t come to tell you the situation and ask for your help, do you think one of the guards would have?” 

                “Well, I can’t say for sure what was going on in their heads, but likely not.  They probably would have just let him die.”

                “Thank you.”

                In her head, Jameela started clapping. _‘Confirmed – Jenkins is a dick.’_

                _‘We knew that already,’_ Jasper told her. _‘And if he’d pulled that kind of shit in the Army I would have ripped into him something fierce.’_

                When it was Jack Spencer’s turn, he started talking before the lawyer even asked a question.  “First of all, I’d just like to say that I always told my men before battle that war can be very personal, but they shouldn’t take anything that happens during battle – or imprisonment – personally.  Whatever Tubaz might have done to hurt anyone was done at the orders of others – he didn’t have it in himself to hurt a damn fly.”

                The lawyer stood there staring at him for a moment before glancing down at his paperwork.  “Thank you for your…insight, Mr. Spencer.  Now, how did you become acquainted with Mr. Fayad?” 

                “I would see him down at the public market sometimes – one day they’re playing some song on the radio that I hardly understand because despite my time there my Arabic isn’t that great, but I turned to him and tried to tell him I liked the song.  He laughed and damn if he didn’t speak perfect fucking English.”

                “Mr. Spencer, please watch your language,” the judge admonished.

                “Sorry, Your Honor.”  He didn’t sound very sorry as he sat back in a rather casual manner and continued speaking.  “Now, I knew Tubaz was always dressed nicely and well-groomed, but he didn’t have that air of a rich person, you know, so I figured early on he worked for someone rich.” 

                “And when did you first meet him?”

                “Around January 2008 and it was a few months after that I began to think maybe he was attached to the prison somehow, but I didn’t really think someone involved with a terrorist group would openly talk to a member of the Marines, right.  It was July before he approached me at the market and asked if he could talk to me privately.  I thought it was a little strange, but I walked away from prying ears with him and that’s when he told me he worked for Commander Abadi personally and not only that, but they had American military personnel held captive.  He said they captured five Air Force members and the commander ordered four to be killed, but kept the doctor alive because he was of use to them.  He confirmed the four Army soldiers were alive.  He’d been so upset over the killing of the other men earlier that he convinced Commander Abadi that the soldiers could be of value to him.  Of course I’d heard about this, but I wasn’t actively involved in any rescue, however I was involved in plans to launch an assault on the prison and hopefully take Commander Abadi out of the picture.  If we took down that base of operation, it would be a major blow to them.  Tubaz assured me with his help we could do it quietly – going in through a tunnel even the commander didn’t know about and surprise them rather than trying to come in from the front.  I was like: ‘this kid has his shit together’…” 

                “Mr. Spencer, language.” 

                “Sorry, Your Honor.  Anyway, I got in touch with General Allen of the Air Force and General Mathers in the Army and we began making plans for an undercover attack.  I was working very closely with the Army, putting together a unit of ours while they also got a unit ready to attack.  Then, he comes to me in August, looking very nervous and tells me that things were now more pressing because Sergeant Palamo was pregnant and she needed to get out soon, to which I agreed.  So, I let my men – and the Army unit – know that it was now a six-person rescue instead of five.” 

                “Now, Mr. Fayad was under your strict instructions not to say anything to the Americans being held captive.” 

                Jack nodded.  “Yes.  As General Edris said, it was imperative we keep them in the dark, both for the reasons he mentioned along with the fact that the terrorists would not be able to get any information from them if they were tortured.” 

                “And did Mr. Fayad ask for anything in return for helping you?” 

                “Not until I asked him after the mission was over.  We took him as a ‘prisoner’,” Jack bent his fingers like quotation marks.  “But honestly most of us knew him and knew he was no threat and treated him well.  Even then, at first he wanted nothing.  He said he’d only wanted to help them.  Finally, I said ‘Son, five people are alive and free because of your bravery and you deserve a reward’.  He said he wanted a chance to study – to have a good life.  I knew if he stayed in Iraq and anyone recognized him, his life would be in danger, so I asked if he had to leave his homeland to do so, would he be willing and he said yes.  I arranged for him to come here and study – I sponsored him.  Now, do you think I would do that if I felt for a second he still had connections to terrorism or was in any way a threat.  Fuck no.” 

                “Mr. Spencer, I will not warn you again to keep your language appropriate for these proceedings.”

                He didn’t bother apologizing this time and Jasper could almost sense him suppressing an eye-roll.  “Anyway, look at him now – successful college graduate, a lawyer helping people, beautiful family…and someone comes along wanting to destroy all that?  No – this man deserves a dang medal for his help to this country’s service members.  Not only that, but if word of this does get to any members of that organization and any of them are here in this country, what’s stopping them from coming after him – or his family?  They don’t take kindly to traitors so if they get wind of this what’s stopping them from putting a bullet in his head?  From doing unspeakable things to his wife and daughters?  From taking his son and raising him to be just like them?  And that’s if they don’t kill all of them too.” 

                “So you believe his life would be in danger if he were sent back?” 

                “As I said – his life may already be in danger.  Hopefully none of them are here, but they’re definitely still active over there, so certainly he’d be a target.  I don’t think he deserves any of this just because _someone_ had a personal vendetta against a man who did _nothing_ wrong against him.  Someone needs to pull up his big kid pants and get the fuck over it…” the judge attempted to intervene, but Jack kept right on talking, “…because as we’ve seen from his very unconvincing argument, he doesn’t have a damn leg to stand on.” 

                Jasper had to cover her mouth to prevent a snicker from escaping.  She couldn’t believe he’d actually gone there, but he damn well had.  She knew she’d probably never see him again, but she liked Jack Spencer.  He had some balls, that was for sure.  The judge reprimanded him again and Tubaz’s lawyer said he had no further questions, allowing Jack to step down before calling Thompson up to the stand.

                The story Thompson told aligned with what he had to say in the group chat – that he and Tubaz talked a lot about religion, which comforted him and set him on the path to his chosen career.  “It helped me gain a deeper respect for others, despite our differences and I carry that to this day.”

                “Is it still hard to think about?” the lawyer asked. 

                “If you’re talking about the entire experience – yes.  There were things that were very difficult, but with therapy and God’s help, I was able to put it behind me.  However, all of my memories of Tubaz are positive.  I saw a good spirit in him and I still do.”

                Jasper tried to read the judge’s expression when Tubaz was finally called on to speak, but she was stoic as she, not the lawyer, asked the questions.  “So, we’ve heard a lot of testimony today, most of it positive.  It sounds as though we can’t deny you were once involved in terrorist activities.” 

                “Yes, I was,” he answered, also reigning in any emotion he might be feeling.

                “However, you were involved in a non-violent role in which you didn’t directly hurt anyone.  Does that sound about right?” 

                “Yes.” 

                “And you are no longer in communication with anyone from that organization.” 

                “No, I’m not.  I’m no longer in contact with anyone in Iraq.” 

                “Thank you.  We’ll take a fifteen minute recess while I make my decision,” the judge said, giving no hint of what she was thinking.   

                That was it?  Jasper’s heart pounded and her stomach flipped nervously.  She checked the time on her phone and saw they’d been there three hours.  She took the opportunity to use the ladies’ room and when she came out of the stall, she saw Nadima at the sink, her hands supporting her weight as she leaned on the counter.  She wanted to say something…something comforting, ideally, but what could she say?  In a little while this woman was going to walk into that courtroom and find out if she’d be going home with her husband tonight or if she was going to have to say goodbye to him forever.  

                “Did you mean what you said?” Nadima asked. 

                 Jasper pulled her hands away from the faucet letting it automatically click off and reached for a paper towel.  “What?” 

                “About him…us…being family?”  She didn’t wait for Jasper to answer before continuing.  “Because Crystal has been in our lives for almost six years and you’ve never said two words to me.” 

                Wow…such candor…and sass.  Whoever came up with the stereotype of Muslim women being oppressed, meek lambs under their hijabs hadn’t met the same women Jasper had.  “I meant it and I apologize if I haven’t reached out sooner.  It’s just with the past Tubaz and I share, it’s been hard to let that go, I think.  But provided everything goes well, I believe we can put it all behind us and I think we should get everyone together.” 

                Nadima gave her a small smile.  “That would be nice.  I just don’t know what I’ll do if…” 

                Jasper put a comforting hand on her shoulder.  “Whatever happens, we are going to make sure that your children and Crystal grow up with a loving family and we will help each other give them that.” 

                “Thank you.”

                They walked back into the courtroom together and Jasper sat next to her, giving her arm a squeeze as the judge returned to her place.  Jasper closed her eyes briefly.  _Just one miracle, please,_ she pleaded. _Allie lost her father, Amethyst and I lost ours…don’t take Tubaz away from Crystal.’_  

                “This has been a different case from anything I’ve encountered before.  A lot of times I deal with black and white circumstances, but this is not one of those times.  I thought a lot about it and realized no matter what I decide, there will be some who will be happy with the outcome and others who would be disappointed, even angry.”  The judge took a breath.  “Tubaz Fayad, from what I see here, you’ve been in this country for fifteen years, you’ve kept your permanent resident status up-to-date at all times and you haven’t broken any of our laws.  You’ve established yourself here and it seems that returning you to Iraq would be dangerous to both you and your loved ones.  The fact stands that while you have past ties to terrorism, your bravery and selflessness served this country and its military well.  Now, your current permanent resident status ends in two years and I am recommending it not be extended…”

                Jasper felt Nadima grab her hand and she squeezed back.  _God...really?  REALLY?!_

                “Within the next two years,” the judge continued, “I expect you to file papers to apply for citizenship and I see no reason why it would not be granted.  I see no reason to elevate this to a criminal case nor to recommend deportation.  You are free to go home.” 

                Jasper had never known Tubaz to be at all very emotional, but though she could tell he was trying to remain stoic, his voice was thick as though he could cry with joy at any moment.  “Thank you, Your Honor.”

                Nadima already had her hand over her mouth, tears shimmering in her eyes and rolling down her cheeks.  She removed her hand and gave a relieved sigh.  “Praise Allah,” she whispered.  “It’s over.”

                She could almost sense the collective sigh of relief from most of the people in the courtroom and she tucked her legs in so Nadima could pass her and hug her husband for the first time in weeks.  “You are going home and you are turning in that application like I told you to months ago,” Nadima told him. 

                “Of course, dear.” 

                Jasper didn’t see Jenkins after that; she assumed he slipped out quietly – likely disappointed by the outcome, perhaps ashamed of his accusations.  The others approached Tubaz once they were all outside the courtroom. 

                “So, how does it feel, kid?”  Jack Spencer asked. 

                “Like a weight is lifted and I don’t have to live in fear anymore,” Tubaz told him.  He had his arm around Nadima’s shoulders.  “I can’t wait to start my life back up again – see my children, go back to work…spend a quiet evening with my wife.” 

                 Once the others had gone, Jasper finally got a chance to hug him.  “I’m so glad this worked out.  Crystal misses you so much.”

                “I miss her too.  She’s doing well?” 

                Jasper smiled.  “She’ll be doing a lot better when she hears you’re free.  I guess now, you’ve saved me and I’ve saved you and I want to do one more thing before we move forward.  I’ll be right back.”   She ran to her car, opened the trunk and took out the wrapped object she’d brought with her in case the desired outcome had happened.  She clutched it in her hands for a moment before returning to him and Nadima.  “Follow me.” 

                They began walking from the courthouse across the street and across a bridge that stretched across a river.  Jasper looked down where a hundred feet – maybe more, waves roared beneath them.  Water could give life or take it.  It could be used to mix cement and build or it could flood in as a tsunami and topple buildings.  It could be calm or turbulent.  It was used to wash away sins…to bury the past, as she intended to do now.  “I had a dream the other night where I said I wanted to walk away from all the pains of the past and never think of them again, but in order to do that, we need to wash all of that away.”  She pulled away the cloth revealing the dagger…the knife that dangled over her life. 

                “I never thought I’d see this again…” he whispered.  “Where did you get it?” 

                “Long story, but it represents a time in our life that no longer has any power over us and I’d like you to drop it in the river with me and walk away from it.”

                “Okay, but you know the sheath is real ivory and you could probably sell it for a lot on eBay…”

                “Tubaz!” 

                “Okay.”  He took hold of it, his hand touching hers as they held it over the side of the bridge.  “Do we say something or just let go?” 

                Jasper wasn’t really sure, she closed her eyes and exhaled.  Peace settled in her and she saw Jameela rise from her couch, being just as much a part of this as her and Tubaz.  When she let go, did that mean Jameela would disappear too?  But how could a part of her just disappear?  She held out her arms as if to give Jasper a hug and they merged again, sharing in that overwhelming clarity…they didn’t need to cling to the past – they were stronger…they always had been.  “I’ll count to three, then we let go and move forward from this place as family.” 

                Her fingers curled around the sheath, rubbing against the intricate design for the last time.  “One.” 

                She could remember the sharpness of the blade, but the pain now seemed so dull.  “Two.” 

                And Akhram’s voice which had once screamed so loudly in her head, making her doubt herself…shaking her to her very core…was reduced to a whisper and finally faded out.  “Three.” 

                And together, they let go. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, there's one hurdle cleared - now we just have a few more things for Jasper to deal with. :)


	25. I Do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank all my readers for your patience - both my beta and I had things going on in our personal lives so it took both of us a bit to get this chapter done and polished.   
> Good news is, the next one is also written and was just sent to my beta tonight so it should be up in the not-to-distant future! :)   
> Thank you to all for sticking with this - let's continue!

** Chapter 24 – I Do **

                Jasper’s eyes flew open as soon as her alarm went off promptly at seven thirty.  It was unlike her to sleep up until her alarm actually went off.  She usually woke up about five or ten minutes before that, but she’d been having a fabulous dream where she and Greg were drinking champagne in a hot tub and eating chocolate.

Groaning, she grabbed her phone from the bedside table and turned off the annoying music.  Seven thirty in the morning on August 16th.  She pressed the Facebook button and went to her memories, scrolling down until she found the photo she’d posted later on in the afternoon on this same day twelve years ago.  Her smiling face – a younger face – looked out from the phone, beaming proudly as she held a small wrapped bundle wearing a pink cap.  The caption read: “Look what I made – Bismuth helped.”

                Her mind wandered to the gifts she had waiting in store for Allie today…the makeup kit she’d promised, a new pair of high heel shoes her daughter had wanted, a gift card to Victoria’s Secret so she could pick out a ‘real bra’ as she’d put it.  But, despite the fact that in a year, she’d be the parent of a teenager and the fight for dominance would begin, there were still signs Allie was very much a kid.  She’d also asked for a game called Scattergories, which apparently she’d played with Connie and enjoyed and a gift card to a bookstore.  “I’d also like a new bike,” she’d said.  “I can ride it to school.”

                Yeah, that would last until the first rainy or cold day then she’d be asking her mom or aunt for a ride.  Nonetheless, her current bike was too small and it was a means for her to get exercise.  So, a brand new shiny blue one waited in the garage with a ribbon already around it. 

                Jasper got up and immediately padded down to the kitchen to make some coffee.  It might be a special day in Allie’s life, but it was still a Wednesday and she had to work.  They’d get the family together that night for dinner – no doubt Amethyst had a feast in mind and might have already started on preparations. 

                She heard a yawn from behind her and turned around to see a very sleepy Allie standing there rubbing her eyes.  Jasper removed her full cup of coffee from under the Keurig.  “Good morning and happy birthday.” 

                Allie smiled.  “I’m officially a pre-teen now.” 

                “That you are.  Now, I asked them to close my four-thirty appointment slot so I can come home early, but I still have to work today.  Your aunt, grandma and Crystal will be over mid-afternoon-ish to start on dinner and I’ll pick up your cake on the way home.” 

                “Ice cream cake?” 

                “Chocolate cake with mint chip ice cream as requested.” 

                “Can I invite Steven and Connie over for cake?  You could see Mr. Universe again…”  She waggled her eyebrows.

                “Stop that.  Yes, you can invite them – tell them about seven-thirty.  We should be done with dinner by then.”  She and Greg had been out a few more times since the movies and he’d told her Steven was also keen on this relationship working out.  She’d already told Allie she was taking things slow and she’d let her know if anything exciting – like a wedding – was going to happen.  So far, they enjoyed each other’s company and hadn’t complicated things with a physical relationship beyond kissing…but damn, was it GOOD kissing.  “Hey, so before I leave for work, let’s measure you on the post in the garage.” 

                “Do we have to do that now?” 

                “Yes.”

                “Why?” 

                Because otherwise Allie would inevitably wander in there and Jasper wouldn’t see her reaction to the bike.  She put an arm around her daughter’s shoulders.  “Because I said so.” 

                Allie’s eyes narrowed.  “Why are parents allowed to say that?”

                “It’s one of our perks.”  Jasper led her out to the garage and watched as her eyes lit up at the sight of the bike.  “Well, look at that.” 

                “It’s for me?”  Allie ran over to it and ran her hand over the seat and she placed the new helmet over her head.  “Can I ride it now?” 

                “In your pajamas?” 

                “Oh, heh…right.” 

                “You can go out if you want and ride it after your aunt gets here.  I don’t want you riding around while I’m gone.  That gift is from Grandma and Grandpa Cordero, so don’t forget to write them a thank-you letter.”  Rarely did she ask Bismuth’s parents for anything, but they usually sent Allie gifts she didn’t really want, so she’d spoken up this year and they’d given her money for the bike.  Jasper grabbed a ruler.  “Now come here.”  Once Allie stood with her back against the support beam, Jasper made a mark on it and measured from last year’s line.  “You grew like four inches.”  She wrote down the date and looked down comparing it to the first line made when Allie was five and didn’t even come up to Jasper’s waist.  Using measuring tape confirmed she was five and a half feet tall now and still growing. 

                Once Allie had retreated into the house, she ran a finger along the line drawn at the bottom.  She missed those days when her daughter was small and she could pick her up and cuddle her.  Now she was raising a young woman.  Her mind went back to the day Allie was born and how many times during her pregnancy and labor she’d said she’d never have another baby.  She’d hated her changing body and the ease with which she was gaining weight.  “I’m two hundred and _five_ pounds!” she’d told Bismuth one day shortly before giving birth. “I’m now _waddling_ …and you want _two_ kids?  No.”

                However, when the doctor had delivered Allie and placed her on Jasper’s torso, fear had reigned for only a moment before her daughter announced her arrival with a loud cry.  Tears came to Jasper’s eyes as her hand protectively covered this life she’d created and delivered.  She had been so tiny and perfect with lots of dark hair.  Jasper took it all in for a moment before deciding she’d go through it again – all of it – just for that moment right there. 

                Of course, this was minutes before they’d realized something was wrong and she was whisked away for emergency surgery.  Her hand rested on her stomach – over her loose skin and scars, now hidden under dark ink, but still there.  At least Allie was a blessing in her life, she mused as she headed back into the house.  She stopped at the picture of Bismuth on the shelf and took a moment to remove the bit of dust that had gathered on the glass.  “Our baby is twelve today.  She’s not really a baby anymore.”

Was it weird to keep a photo displayed now that she was dating another man?  Of course not; Greg still had photos up of Rose and Jasper was glad he did because where she didn’t see his father in Steven, she could see his mother.  Just like when Allie smiled it reminded her of her husband.  She kissed her fingers and pressed them to the glass before putting the photo back next to the flag in its triangular case.

*

                Work wasn’t especially different from any other day, though Garnet gave her two gifts to give to Allie.  “The small one is from me and the other is from Topaz.” 

                “You and Topaz seem to be doing well,” Jasper commented. 

                “We’re very happy.  We’ve been discussing the possibility of moving in together, but her lease isn’t up until January, so it’ll be a while.”

                “Hey, question – Allie enjoyed Bible camp and now she wants to go to church, but not the Catholic Church.  I know you go, so what is yours like?” 

                “I enjoy it.  Allie’s welcome to accompany me if she wants.  I know you don’t go and Topaz is non-religious so you two can work out on Sunday mornings or have brunch or something.  She’d love the company.”

                “Now, you know brunch is why we millennials can’t afford houses.”  Jasper rolled her eyes. 

                “Just skip the avocado toast and you’ll be fine.”

                Jasper laughed heartily.  “I’ll iron out the details with you before Sunday.”

                She returned home shortly before four and smelled something good already cooking.  “What did the birthday girl request?” 

                “Tacos,” Amethyst said.  “So I am putting together a make-your-own-taco bar.” 

                “And Allie wanted tacos?  Not you?”  Jasper placed the cake carefully in the freezer.

                “I like tacos too!”  Crystal piped up.  “And Uncle Tani is coming.” 

                Inwardly Jasper groaned, but like it or not, he was going to be a part of the family in some way now that he and Amethyst were going to have a baby.  At least he’d taken the news well – not just well; he was delighted and now checked in with her sister all the time about how she was doing and would accompany her to her appointments.  She’d posted on Facebook she was craving mango and he’d shown up half an hour later with a grocery bag full of them saying: “I didn’t know how many you wanted.”

                There were still five mangoes in the bowl on the kitchen table.  Jasper wandered into the living room and sat on the couch next to her mom who was busy braiding Allie’s hair.  Her daughter was wearing a sleeveless plaid shirt with denim overalls.  So, she was still on this 90’s kick.  “You wearing that tonight?” 

                “Actually, I have this one dress I want to wear.” 

                “Hm…”  Jasper went to the closet and pulled out a wrapped gift, handing it to Allie as Penina put a hair tie in to keep her braid together.  “Then you may want to use this.” 

                Allie ripped into the wrapping paper revealing the makeup kit.  “No way!  Really?” 

                “Yep, get your dress on and I’ll help you with your makeup.” 

                She rushed off and Jasper took a seat on the couch again.  “How are you, Mom?” 

                Penina smiled.  “I’m having a good day.  Allie is tall for…how old is she?” 

                “Twelve.” 

                Her mother nodded.  “You shot up about then.  Tall as a tree by the time you were thirteen or fourteen.  You got braces around then.  I hate to mention it, but Allie has a gap…”  She pointed to her front teeth.  “Just right here.”

                “She has an appointment with the orthodontist to get her braces next week.”  Jasper took the opportunity to fish Allie’s other gifts from the closet and place them on the coffee table next to the ones from her aunt and grandmother.  Then she helped Allie put on some mascara and blue smoky eye shadow to match her blue, floral dress and a slight bit of bronzer on her cheeks.  “Well, what do you think?” 

                “Wow…I’m beautiful!  Thanks, Mom!”  Allie hugged her and ran off.

                _‘Well, she always has been…’_ Jameela sighed wistfully. 

                _‘Where the fuck were you hiding?  I thought…’_   Didn’t she leave when Jasper dropped the dagger in the river? 

                _‘I’m a part of you and I always will be…whether we’re separate or not depends on you.’_

                It wasn’t that she didn’t like Jameela, but she felt much more comfortable when they were merged together.  She had to find a way to make that permanent.  She quickly changed into her denim capris and a light summer blouse.  She applied a little bit of makeup to look refreshed after a day of work.  The doorbell rang and her spirits lifted, hoping it was Greg, but then remembered he wouldn’t be by until later for dessert.  This meant it was very likely Tani.  She rolled her eyes as she headed down the stairs.  _Be nice to him_ , she reminded herself.  “Hey, Tani.” 

                He gave her a brief hug.  “How are you, Jasper?” 

                “Good.” 

                Tani made his way to the kitchen where he kissed Amethyst briefly and rubbed her stomach.  “How are you doing?” 

                “I’m fine.  Doctor’s appointment Friday and they might be able to tell us what it is.” 

                “It’s…a baby.” 

                “Brilliant work, detective,” Jasper said faking a British accent.  “But I believe the lady means whether it’s a boy or a girl.”

                “Right, right…Tani Jr. or Tania.”  He took in the disbelief on Amethyst’s face and laughed.  “I’m kidding.  But, really, we should talk about names.” 

                “Let’s find out the sex and take one thing at a time.”

                “I want a sister,” Crystal told them. 

                “You have a sister,” Amethyst reminded her.  “And a brother.” 

                “Yeah, but one who lives here.  I miss Mahir.  Zahir cries too much and he’s messy.”

                “He’s two.”  Amethyst laughed.

                “Hey, Jasper, can I talk to you?”  Tani asked, motioning with his head for her to follow him. 

                Once outside on the back porch, she crossed her arms.  “What’s up?” 

                “I was wondering when the baby’s father usually schedules the baby shower.” 

                “He doesn’t.  That’s planned by her female family members or friends.  So, I will likely plan it like I did last time.”  She sighed.  “Of course, last time I had Mom to help…”

                “Oh, I’m sure my mom will help.  She’s super excited about having a grandchild.” 

                That’s right…she had her aunties…the support of her community.  “I’ll definitely reach out to her.”

                “I guess considering, you know, your dad is gone and with your mom…well, I guess you’re the head of the family now, huh?” 

                She recalled her mom talking about chiefs who led the family.  Well, maybe she wasn’t titled, but she supposed she was the one in charge now.  “I guess so.”  

                “Then, I have another question to ask you.  Well, more of a blessing really…I want to ask Amethyst to marry me and I want your permission to do so.” 

                Jasper blinked, a billion thoughts running through her head from ‘are you crazy’ to ‘she’s a grown woman’.  She had to remain calm…how would her father have approached this?  She took a cleansing breath.  “I’m going to tell you what my father told Bismuth when he asked for me.  Amethyst is not property – she’s a person, with her own mind, who can make her own decisions.  It’s not for me to decide.  If you ask and she deems you worthy of her love, then I will gladly welcome you into the family.  I will say I’m a little shocked; you two hardly know each other.” 

                Tani shrugged.   “You know, at first I thought that too, but I grew up with her, so we do know each other and we get along great.  I mean, when I first asked you out, you suggested I ask Amethyst and now I understand why.  There’s something there.”

Oh yeah, she had said that, though not for the reasons he thought.

 “Most importantly, I want to do right by her…and by the baby…I want to be a real dad to him or her, you know,” he told her.

                “That’s very admirable – and honest – of you.” 

                “Thank you.  I already have a ring picked out.”

                “Wow…well, it’s good to be ready, I guess.”  Now they were going to have to prepare for a wedding in addition to a new baby.  At least he was stepping up and taking responsibility, something her father would have approved of. 

                “I mean, you’re great, obviously – and if we’d gotten together we could have made the ultimate Samoan, you know…”

                “Um…no we couldn’t have…no parts, remember…”  And even if she’d had them it would still have been a hard no.

                “But there’s just something about Amethyst I find…comfortable.  Like I can be myself around her and she seems like she’s herself around me.”

                “She’s herself around everyone.” Jasper rolled her eyes.

                “Exactly!  Amethyst is just so…real…you know.  Plus, I always thought I had this ideal physical type, you know like…”  Tani gestured to her.  “But I kind of like that she’s little and chubby – good for cuddling, you know.”

                Jasper forced a smile. 

                _‘If he says ‘you know’ one more time…’_ Jameela said through clenched teeth.

                _‘Right?!’_   “Well, I know she’s had good things to say about you too.  Now, I have to oversee that my daughter has a happy birthday.”

                “I brought her something.   I hope she likes jewelry.” 

                He bought a twelve-year-old jewelry?  Jasper raised an eyebrow.  However, after dinner, while they enjoyed ice cream cake and Jasper sat on the couch with Greg while Allie opened her gifts, she saw Tani’s present was a shell and rope necklace with a cross carved out of bone.  He told her his mother brought it back from Samoa and he hoped she was Christian. 

                “This is so cool.”  Allie tied it behind her neck.  “Thank you, Uncle Tani.  I wanted a cross ever since I found Jesus at summer camp.”

                Jasper took a breath.  She felt glad Allie had found something to believe in, but deep inside she was also a little jealous.  How could she have wanted to make peace with God for years, but never have the faith to do so?  However, Allie went to summer camp for a week and ‘found Jesus’.  Well, she and Bismuth had agreed they would not stand in the way of Allie’s religious journey, so she would say nothing and let this unfold. 

                Later on, as Allie played one of her new games with Steven and Connie, Jasper stepped outside with Greg and sat in one of the lawn chairs.  “Every year she grows up, I feel older.” 

                He pulled up a chair next to her and sat down.  “That’s normal.  I’m still waiting for Steven to outgrow me, but he’s a late bloomer I guess – physically, anyway.”

                “A year ago, Allie thought boys were gross, now she’s friends with Steven and at least one other named Peedee I know she’s talking to.  She never spoke two words about God before, but now she’s ‘found Jesus’.  She’s wearing makeup…”  _She’s about to bust out of her training bra_ , her thoughts finished, though she’d never mention such a thing to Greg. 

                “Before you know it, she’ll be driving.” 

                “Oh geez…I’m not ready for that.”  Jasper laughed. 

                “Tell me about it.  Steven just turned fifteen and he’s already mentioned that he can get his learner’s permit and asked if he could take the van around the block.  I told him we’ll see how he does in school this first semester then we’ll talk.”  He cleared his throat.  “You know, I’m forty three and I just have to ask…you aren’t thinking you want more kids, are you?” 

                “Well…I’ve told you I can’t have them.” 

                “I wasn’t sure if adoption had crossed your mind.  I only ask because I don’t.  I love Steven and I’m glad to have him in my life, but having a little one again would be like starting over, so before we go any further, I just want to see how you feel about more kids.” 

                Jasper nodded.  These serious conversations were good.  “I’m on the same page.  Plus, Amethyst has Crystal and she’ll be having another one, so if I ever get baby fever, I can just borrow one of them, remind myself why I don’t want to go back to that time and hand them back to their mother.  I mean, as much as I’m shocked at how fast twelve seemed to come around, Allie is at an age where I can trust her to be left by herself and she can do things around the house.  She’s mature and responsible.  I can’t imagine having to make formula and change diapers again.” 

                “I hear you there.  I mean, once Steven does start driving, he’ll be able to go to baseball practice by himself, even school if he has a car.” 

                “The only way Allie’s getting one is if she saves up for it herself.  I used all my graduation money to put a down payment on one right out of high school.”  Jasper laughed lightly.  “Shipped off to boot camp three weeks later.”

                “And did you come back after or did they deploy you?” 

                “I was two weeks from graduating basic…and that September our world changed as we knew it.  As soon as I found out what happened I knew I was probably getting shipped out and that’s exactly what happened.  ‘Guess, what, you’re going to Afghanistan…’  You ever seen a camel spider?”  Greg shook his head and she continued.  “Count your blessings.  Spiders here don’t bother me anymore.  Allie will scream about a ‘huge’ spider and I’m over here like ‘girl, you don’t even know…’”

                 Greg put an arm around her and she leaned in resting against his shoulder.  “So, how did your school testing go?” 

                “Good.  I have to take a refresher math class as I had anticipated, but I start classes after Labor Day.  I’ll be going part time at the gym, which means no more benefits, but I still have the option to get military insurance for a reasonable rate, so I guess I’ll go that route.  Allie may be eligible for state benefits.  No more sick leave or anything either, but in a few years, it’ll be worth it.” 

                “What about her braces?  Did the insurance pay for them or...” 

                “Nope – it’s considered cosmetic, so I’m footing the bill for that one.  I’ve been saving since her adult teeth came in.  Maybe I need to shell out a few bucks every week for the lottery…can’t hurt.”  A sound from behind them caught her attention and she turned around with Greg to see the kids with their noses pushed up against the window.  The girls squealed and ran off; Steven grinned before joining them.  “Wow…Allie seems to really want this relationship to work out.”

                Greg laughed.  “So does Steven.  I’ve dated, but this is the first time I’ve been serious about anyone since Rose and he doesn’t even remember his mom.” 

                “Allie remembers her dad, but he was deployed for half her life, so I’m not sure how much she remembers.  Having her grandpa around helped her have a good, male role-model in her life, but…now she doesn’t have one.  She hasn’t responded this way to anyone else I dated, even Alabaster, though he never met her.” 

                “And he sounded like a real peach,” Greg said, his voice dripping with sarcasm, clearing recalling Jasper telling him about that disastrous affair.

                “You know, everyone’s saying how nice it would be to have a rich guy…but I quickly realized I wasn’t into the trips and parties and fancy food and designer clothes…”  Jasper gestured to the backyard.  “This right here – the patio, the lawn, the two of us together.  This is all I need.  This right here and I’m as rich as I need to be.”

                Greg squeezed her shoulder, smiling before gently kissing her.

*

                “So, Allie isn’t liking her braces, huh?”  Amethyst asked.

                Jasper was helping her set up the cupcakes on a platter for the family members and Tani who waited anxiously at the table.  The white icing and dark wrappers around them gave no hint of what color they were inside. “No, she’s complained the entire week.  The day she got them she says ‘I’m going to die…that’s it, I’ve died and I’m in purgatory and the weight of my sins is being tested on my teeth.’  I asked her if she’d like her Oscar now or later.”

                Amethyst laughed loudly.  “Oh my God!” 

                “And I’ve never heard of an orthodontist doing this, but they said she qualified for some kind of program they have for ‘low income’ patients and they wouldn’t take my money insisting her treatment was paid for in full.  I have never heard of this and we’re middle class, not low income.  I don’t even remember giving them any financial information.  I said there had to be some sort of mistake and it should have gone to someone who needed it more, but they insisted her treatment is paid for.”

                “That’s weird.  I remember Mom and Dad talking about paying up the wazzoo for yours.” 

                “Yeah and that was twenty-five years ago.  They’re even more expensive now.  I’m hanging onto the money I saved in case there’s a mistake, which I’m sure there has to be.”

                Amethyst brought the cupcakes over to the table and set them down.  “I can’t wait to see what it’ll be.  Crystal was stubborn that first appointment we could have found out and kept her legs closed.  The next ultrasound, she was spread eagle and before they even told me I was like ‘yep, that’s the same stuff I have.’”

                “We’re gonna do one of those 3D ultrasounds when the baby’s a little bigger,” Tani told them.  “Find out who it looks like.  But before we do, I have a gift for you, Amethyst.” 

                Her face lit up.  “I like gifts.  I hope it’s diapers – you can never have too many of those.” 

                “No, it’s not for the baby.  It’s for you.  Now, I want to get through all of this, so please don’t freak out,” he said, getting on one knee and pulling out a jewelry box from his pocket. 

                “Whaaaat are you doing?”  Amethyst looked around nervously…at Penina and Tani’s mom who both looked at her with joyful expectation…at Allie and Crystal who eyed the whole thing with suspicion…and finally at Jasper who shrugged knowingly.

                “I thought I knew what I wanted in a woman – rather, I knew what I _wanted_ , but I also knew I prayed for God to send me the right one…and He knew what I _needed_ and made the perfect woman for me to spend my life with.  I am blessed to have found you…to start a family with you…but I want to do it right and in the eyes of God, that requires a promise and a blessing.  I know we haven’t been dating long, but I also know around you I can be myself and that I love you.  So, will you make that promise with me, will you stand with me so we can be blessed and walk through life together?”  Tani opened the jewelry box revealing a rose gold ring with a beautiful purple stone flanked with diamonds.  “Will you be my wife?” 

                “I…”  Amethyst’s eyes searched for something, as though seeking a sign.  Tani’s mom mouthed an obvious ‘yes’.  She caught Jasper’s eyes.  Jasper gave an approving nod, causing her sister to break out into a smile.  “Yes.  Yes!”

                Tani slipped the ring on her finger then switched it when Jasper said: “Wrong hand!”  It only went to her knuckle before it wouldn’t budge any further, obviously needing to be sized.  They kissed briefly, causing Crystal to let out an “ewwww” before covering her eyes.  Much to Jasper’s surprise, Allie watched them with a dreamy look on her face in sharp contrast to her reaction at her grandparents’ vow renewal. 

                “Can we have cupcakes now?”  Crystal asked. 

                Amethyst wiped moisture from her eyes.  “Yeah – they’re also now celebratory cupcakes.”  She picked one up and put it on a plate before picking up a knife.  Tani stood beside her, covering her hand with his and together they sliced through the tiny cake.  He immediately beamed while Amethyst’s smile was more serene, but happy nonetheless. 

                “What is it?” Penina wanted to know. 

                Amethyst used the knife to splay the cupcake open revealing its blue color.  “A boy.”

                “Awww man!”  Crystal rested her head on the table in disappointment. 

                “Someone’s taking drama lessons from her cousin,” Jasper commented.

                “It’s going to be born around my birthday too!”  Crystal complained. 

                “Not ‘it’ – he,” her mother corrected. 

                “Tani Jr.” 

                “No.”  Amethyst held up her finger at him.

                “What’s wrong with Tanielu?  It’s a nice name.  It was my father’s name too – and my grandfather’s,” he told her. 

                “So that would technically make him Tani the Fourth,” Jasper said.  _As if the world needs another one…stop it, Jasper, be nice._

                “Exactly – time to shake it up a bit.”  Amethyst picked up her half of the cupcake and took a bite.  “Besides, we have plenty of time to think of a name.” 

                “You two will want to get married soon probably,” Tani’s mother said.  “Don’t want to wait until you’re too far along.” 

                “We can always go to the courthouse,” Amethyst suggested. 

                “We’re not going to no stinking courthouse.”  Tani shook his head.  “I’ll talk to the priest – we’ll likely do something small, but it’ll be a proper church wedding.  And we already have a flower girl.  What do you say, Crystal?” 

                “Actually, I think I’m at Dad’s that weekend.” 

                Amethyst shook her head.  “No because we haven’t set a date yet and I’ll probably invite your father and Nadima.  Nice try though.”

                “Okay, but let’s get one thing straight – he’s not my dad.”  Crystal pointed at Tani. 

                “No, he isn’t, but he is going to be your stepfather and you’re going to show him some respect like you should all your elders, got it?”  Amethyst said in her no-nonsense voice.  “Now shape up or you get no cupcake.” 

                Crystal retained a pouty expression, but stayed quiet as she enjoyed her dessert.  Later on, as Jasper was helping her mom do the dishes, Penina sighed.  “Jasper, have we gone to Samoa yet?” 

                “No.  It’ll be in October.  It’s only August – well, almost the end.”  She could hear Tani’s mom talking to the girls outside even with the windows closed and she looked up to see Tani and Amethyst cuddling in a bench on the deck.

                “Maybe we shouldn’t go.  If Amethyst could…but no, not with the baby.” 

                “Mom, if we put it off any longer, your memory will get worse and you may not even remember growing up there.  It’s time; now is the time.” 

                “It’s just…I worry about you being there.” 

                “I’ll be fine.  I’m healthy.” 

                Her mother’s lips pressed together in a thin line, her brows furrowed in worry.  “People might say some things about your skin.” 

                And there is was.  She didn’t want her ‘damaged’ daughter going to meet the family in Samoa.  She’d rather not go than take Jasper.  She’d take Amethyst, of course, if she was able to travel.  Jasper released an aggravated sigh.  “Are you that ashamed of me?!  I mean, sure, I got some looks at the resort, but overall, it wasn’t an issue.”

                “A resort is not the same as a village.  I don’t want you to get hurt – emotionally – if they don’t understand.”  Penina rang out the dishtowel and dried her hands. 

                “Is that why you never mentioned that you had a sister?” 

                Her eyes widened.  “How did you…”

                “I found the pictures!  You were so ashamed of her for having vitiligo that you hid her away and never said anything!  And now you’re so ashamed of me, you don’t want me to go!” 

                Her mother took a deep breath, her eyes shimmering with moisture.  “I’m sorry you thought I was ashamed of you.  I never was.  You’re my daughter and I love you exactly as you are.  And I was never ashamed of Masina – that was her name, my twin sister.” 

                “Then why hide her?” 

                “Because…when I think of what I did to her…I become ashamed of myself…”

 


	26. Moon and Pearl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, who's ready to find out what happened between Penina and her sister?

** Chapter 25 – Moon and Pearl  **

                  **Samoa, 1973**

                Penina could feel the mud splashing up onto her legs as she ran through the village.  Rain pelted against her, soaking her clothes as she raced to the small _fale_ she shared with her sister.  Looping around the building, she jumped over the few stairs to the entrance, kicked off her flip flops outside and pulled aside the woven door covering it.  Finally, she stood on the mat, breathing heavily and moved the loose strands of hair plastered to her forehead.  “It’s really coming down.”

                Masina was busy securing the last of the woven blinds to a post to keep the rain out of the open structure.  “Obviously.”

                Penina accepted a towel from her sister and patted her hair and face with it before wiping her feet.  Masina picked up her sister’s bag and purse, moving it to the side before sitting cross-legged on the matted floor.  Her floral _lavalava_ slipped up above her knee, giving a glimpse of her intricate tattoos and a patch of white skin.  “I brought in a plate of food for you as soon as it started drizzling.” 

                “Thanks, sis.”  Penina hung her wet clothes from a line stretching between two wooden poles and changed into a loose-fitting T-shirt.  She wrapped a dry _lavalava_ around her waist.  The traditional sarong was comfortable and familiar after being in her uniform all day.  She plucked the woven leaf plate from where it sat on a bench and gave silent thanks before digging into the perfectly cooked fish.  “Did you catch this?”

                “This morning.  I still love fishing even though almost no one will eat anything I catch.” 

                Honestly, Penina had her own hesitations.  No one knew why Masina’s skin had started changing four years ago.  It was subtle at first, just a few spots here and there.  Now it had spread, mostly on her face and hands turning her skin ghostly white along with a few mottled areas on her arms, legs and torso.  The general consensus was that she was cursed – that God was punishing her for something.  Penina, being a nurse, knew there had to be a medical explanation, but she was unsure what it was and even the doctor she worked for had never heard of such a thing.  She hoped the condition was not dangerous to her sister…or contagious to anyone else.  

                “How was work?”  Masina asked.

                “Good.  There’s exciting news – we’re going to have a visiting doctor from Australia helping us for a while.  I’ve been chosen to work with him.  I have so many questions about where he’s from.”  Penina smiled softly.  “Maybe someday I’ll go there.  I want to see the whole world.  Don’t you?” 

                “Well…I have traveled.”  Masina was one of the few people in the modern world to sail a traditional vessel from their village to Tonga and then to Fiji and back again.  Despite not really wanting to venture too far, she knew her way around in a canoe.  “And I was never more relieved to come home.  I don’t have a need to see the world.  Samoa is my world.  I want to stay and have my adventures here…including maybe someday getting married…if anyone will have me.”

                “What?   You’re beautiful.”  Penina paused to savor the side of taro cooked in coconut milk.  “Besides, it’s not like I’m getting a lot of offers.  I think they’re threatened because I work instead of just caring for the home and watching children.” 

                Masina sighed.  “Well, none of the men in the village look past my skin.” 

                For twins, the sisters could not be more different.  Both had long, black hair and full lips, but that was where the similarities ended.  Penina was short with a round face and eyes that sparkled with joy.  She was a naturally happy, optimistic person.  She had a tendency to put on weight easily if she didn’t watch herself.  However, now her job had her on her feet most of the day and her body had a slightly plump, but curvy frame with ample breasts and hips that swayed with ease when she danced.  Masina was a whole head taller, her face longer and her eyes an almost golden-brown color that were sometimes bright and warm or could be dark and mysterious.  She had curves, but was leaner, her muscles defined from her time on the ocean, walking around and hiking up around the waterfalls.  The truth remained that aside from her disfigurement, her sister was one of the most beautiful women in the village.

*

                The next morning at work, Penina changed into her white dress and pinned the paper cap on her pulled back hair.  She was one of three nurses at the small clinic helping Dr. Afoa.   After four years of working there, she was quick, decisive, smart and compassionate – plus, her English was the best – for these reasons, she’d been chosen to work primarily with the visiting physician.  Penina didn’t consider herself a shy person, but he was young – maybe a few years older than her with golden blond hair and skin bronzed by the sun.  He shook her hand and flashed a smile of teeth so perfect Penina wasn’t sure they were real.  “G’day.  Call me Dr. Bruce.”

                His accent was so dreamy, she almost forgot how to speak and her voice came out soft and thin.  _“Talofa_ …I mean, hello.”

                “And what’s your name?”  His soft blue eyes were busy studying her face. 

                “Penina Levea.”

                “Now it’s first name first here, right?” When she nodded, he continued.  “And what does ‘Penina’ mean in Samoan?” 

                “Pearl…like from the sea.”

                “What other ones are there?” he asked with a laugh.  “Can I call you ‘Nina’?”

                He could call her whatever he wanted as long as he kept talking.  “That’s fine.”

                “So, what do you know how to do?”

                “I can take vitals and dispense medicine.  I’m very good at keeping children calm – oh, and I help deliver babies.”

                “And you were trained here?” 

                She nervously licked her lips.  He was probably used to much more modern facilities and nurses with more training.  “Not in this clinic.  I did a year of training at the hospital in Apia, followed by a year of working there.”

                “That’s the capital, right?  On the other island?” 

                Penina nodded.  “It’s a big hospital…well, bigger than this clinic anyway and they have surgical facilities and x-ray technology…”

                “You don’t have x-rays here?”  Disbelief tinged his voice.

                “There are a lot of things we don’t have.  If someone breaks a bone, we set it as best we can, splint it and tell them to go to Apia.” 

                “There can be a whole host of complications with broken bones if they’re not treated quickly.” 

                “Oh, believe me I know, but we just don’t have the resources.  We also don’t have IVs.” 

                “If you got them, do you know how to start them and time the drip?” 

                “Yes.  I also know how to draw blood and give injections.” 

                “Perfect.  So, with all your skills, what made you want to come back?” 

                Truthfully, there were times she missed Apia.  There had been a few Friday nights she wished she could just go out and see a movie with her friends from back there, but… “I missed my family and my village.  I heard Dr. Afoa was in need of another nurse, so I said goodbye to the capital and came back.  You’re an awfully long way from home.  What made you want to come here?” 

                Dr. Bruce walked with her down the short hallway, looking quickly at the three exam rooms.  “The hospital I work at is being renovated, so we were encouraged to volunteer to help people in under-developed countries.  I’m sorry, but how many people do you see here?” 

                The way he called Samoa ‘under-developed’ smacked of arrogance, but she kept her cool.   Perhaps they weren’t as modern as Australia, but they didn’t need to be.  Well, she had to admit that maybe in the medical field, some modernization wouldn’t hurt, but that aside, she knew most were content with simple living.  “Sometimes seventy or eighty a day.” 

                “With three exam rooms and one doctor?”  

                “Easy things the nurses can treat – scrapes, simple fevers, things like that.  We also practice traditional medicine – natural cures and massage.  As I said, I help deliver babies when mothers are close, but most women give birth at home.”  She recalled that Masina was also trained to help laboring mothers, but since her skin started changing, the women didn’t want her help fearing their babies would be cursed. 

                “Well, you’ll have to show me how things work because it sounds a lot different than where I’m from.  How old are you, by the way?”

                “Twenty-Four.”  Practically an old maid.  She wondered if he was married.  He didn’t wear a wedding ring, but that didn’t mean anything.  She knew plenty of people who were too poor to afford them.  Of course, this probably didn’t apply to doctors in foreign countries.  He likely made more money in a year than she’d see in her entire life. 

                Over the course of the day, she found him easy to work for and he appreciated her help in navigating how things worked here.  He marveled that they had a fridge, which caused her to roll her eyes behind his back and explain that some of the medications needed to be kept cold.  He laughed heartily.  “Sorry, I tried to prepare as much as possible, but I honestly thought you all lived in little huts with no electricity.” 

                “Not all of our _fales_ ,” she emphasized the word, despising that he called it a ‘hut’, “have electricity, but many buildings do.  We may not have all the fancy things you do, but we are a civilized society, Doctor.”  

                “I meant no offense.  I guess perhaps the book I read was outdated.  It had all these black and white photos of topless women and people covered in tattoos.” 

                “We are a Christian nation, so you won’t find women wearing anything too scandalous here, however tattooing is still a very important part of our culture.”

                “You don’t have any tattoos.”

                Penina looked down at her white dress and tights, smoothing out her skirt.  “Not that you can see.”   Oh geez, was that flirting?  She willed herself to tone it down.  He might be handsome and have an accent that made her weak at the knees, but he’d also said a few insulting things.  He didn’t need to be wondering what was under her clothes.  Besides, there was no way this could play out.  Her grandfather was a _matai –_ a chief, and not just a family chief, but high chief of the village. How would it look if she got involved with a _palagi_ …a foreigner? 

                Still, his friendly eyes and smile stayed in her mind on the bus ride back to her village.  The rains had gone and the weather was once again sunny and warm.  She was fortunate enough to have a window on the open-air bus that looked out toward the sparkling ocean.  What would it be like to cross that ocean…to set foot in a foreign land?  She had a passport she’d acquired in Apia, but money was the problem.  She didn’t make much and what she did make went mostly to help the family. 

                Her mother intercepted her as soon as she got off the bus.  “Penina, go home and put something nice on.  We have visitors in the village.” 

                She always left her uniform at work during the week so it would keep clean, so on the ride home she’d worn a plain _lavalava_ and T-shirt.   She ran to her _fale_ and quickly changed into a green _puletasi_.  Skillfully, she took her hair down, brushed it and then pulled it back again.  She wondered who the visitors were – foreigners, other Samoans, family they hadn’t seen in years?  The smell of delicious food hung in the air over the village as she made her way to the communal _fale_ and greeted her father and grandfather.  Her grandfather led her over to a mat near the front where two young men sat wearing button down shirts and shorts.  They weren’t family and she didn’t know them, so she figured they must be from another village or even another island.  Her grandfather introduced her and she sat down, smiling at them.  “ _Talofa_.” 

                “ _Talofa_.  I’m Josh Matua,” one of them said, shaking her hand.  “We’re visiting from American Samoa.  I have family in the village, but my friend here is just tagging along.” 

                The other young man smiled.  He was a little husky, but she knew he’d be tall if he stood and he had a pleasant face with lively brown eyes.  “Fetuao Palamo.  It’s nice to meet you.  So, your grandfather is the high chief?”

                “Yes,” she answered with a humble expression. 

                Instruments started playing lively music as five dancers took their place just outside the _fale_ in an open area where everyone could see.  Masina was in the middle, dressed in a ceremonial outfit, dancing flawlessly, her feet hardly moving as though she were a spirit.  Her hands, her fingers, capturing every move, telling a story with her body, which glistened in the late afternoon sun as her skin was covered in a thin layer of coconut oil.  She looked regal while wearing her crown of shells and feathers.  Despite her skin, she was still their _taupou_ – charged with performing the _taualuga_ for their guests, among other duties.  Penina watched her with a smile.  They were both talented dancers, but Masina had the perfect body type for it.  Her sister glanced in their direction, smiling softly, her eyes lingering on the young men before the music beckoned her to turn. 

                “Who is that?” Fetuao asked. 

                “My sister, Masina.”  Penina had to hold back a chuckle as she noticed the longing in his eyes. 

                Penina would later hear Fetuao say he’d just seen the woman he was going to marry.  

*

                One of Masina’s favorite things to do was to walk on the beach after sunset, away from the village, letting the quiet of the night surround her – and on lucky nights, like tonight, she was bathed in the light from her namesake.  She’d heard people had actually been there, as impossible as it seemed – human beings had stood on the moon.  Part of her wondered what that would be like, but as she felt the sand below her bare feet, she knew home was where she wanted to stay.  Now her sister, well, Penina would likely jump at the chance to fly to the moon if she could. 

                The sand now squished up between her toes as she moved closer to the ocean and she inhaled that fresh scent she’d come to love.  Why would she ever leave Samoa?  It was paradise and despite some of the things said about her, she had no desire to leave.  The visitors seemed nice enough and surprisingly didn’t regard her as a freak.  Especially the one who couldn’t take his off of her – Fetuao – didn’t seem bothered by her marbled skin. 

                Masina took her hair down, grateful to be free of the headdress that had been woven into it.  She shook her head and sighed as the ocean’s gentle waves kissed her toes.  A light breeze caused her _lavalava_ to flutter around her legs.  Being the _taupou_ was hard work, but it was her position until she got married, which at this point seemed like it may never happen.  The village was full of children and she wondered if she’d ever get the chance to bring a few of her own into the world. 

                The sound of sand shifting underfoot caught her attention and she turned to see one of the visitors standing there.  “Did you follow me?” 

                “No…yes…kind of…I just wanted to introduce myself.  Fetuao Palamo and you’re Masina, right?” 

                She eyed him suspiciously.  Despite her desires, fear always crept in trying to ruin any chances she had with men.  “Yes.  I saw you sitting with my sister.” 

                “She seems nice, but I…I wanted to say you dance pretty girl…pretty good – very well.  Yes.” 

                A smile tugged at her lips, but she fought it.  Perhaps he thought her skin’s mottled appearance was a trick of the torches back in the village, or the moonlight now reflecting off the water.  When he saw her in the daylight, she knew he wouldn’t find her nearly as pretty.  “Thank you.  Well, bye.” 

                He reached out his hand, but before he could say anything, she ran off, leaving behind only the sound of the ocean. 

*

                “When are they leaving?”  Masina asked her sister a few days later.  “I turn around and there he is again…” 

                “Why not go for it?  I thought you wanted to get married.”

                She sighed.  “He’s going to leave eventually and go home.”

                “You realize that Samoa and American Samoa are only separated by a border, right?  If you did hit it off with him, it’s not like you’d go far.”  Penina shrugged.  “Same people, same culture – different flag.”

                “I heard they’re a little more modernized than we are,” Masina said, looking out of the _fale_ at the ocean.  “Would I have a canoe there or do they only have western boats?  I don’t know how to drive a boat like that.”

                “Modern isn’t always bad.  It would be nice to be more up-to-date at the clinic, that’s for sure.  Dr. Bruce keeps grumbling about how we have nothing here and, compared to first-world countries, he’s right.  We could treat so many people with better equipment and medicines.”  She picked up her bag and purse. 

                “How long have you had that coconut purse?” 

                Penina ran her fingers along the smooth, brown shell held together with a clasp.  A red flower was painted on it.  “Years, since grandma gave it to me.”  It had been a gift on the last birthday her grandmother had been alive.  “I know it’s a tourist-y thing, but it reminds me of her.”  She opened it briefly, seeing a few _tala_ inside along with a perfect pink shell she’d found one day shortly after her grandmother died.  “Well, I have work.  Have fun on the ocean.”

                As Masina made her way through the village, a few people said hello to her, but most eyed her suspiciously.  The sound of hurried footsteps found her ears and in a moment, Fetuao was walking beside her.  “Hey, Masina.  How are you doing?” 

                “I’m fine,” she replied simply.   

                “Word around the village is you’re pretty good at fishing.” 

                “Yes.” 

                “Mind showing me?  I used to go as a kid, but it’s been a while.” 

                Masina turned and faced him when they’d reached the shore.  “Why aren’t you afraid of me?” 

                “Should I be?” 

                “Surely you’ve heard the others say I’m cursed.”  She picked up a fish trap and set it in one of the canoes.  “I mostly catch for my family.  No one will eat it if they know it came from me.” 

                “Lucky for you, I don’t believe in curses.  We’re all different, right?” 

                She gave him a slight smile.  “I just wish there was a reason – an explanation.  It started when I journeyed to Tonga years ago and I thought it was from spending so much time in the sun or something.  We’ve tried traditional cures, but we don’t know what it is.  No one else has it, so I’m pretty sure it’s not contagious.” 

                “Well, I’m not scared, so tell you what, you take me out there and catch some fish, I’ll make an _umu_ and cook it up for you.” 

                “You know how to cook in an underground oven?” 

                “Yeah.  I mean, we don’t do it all the time, but when there’s a village celebration, all the men get together to cook a traditional meal.”

                Masina stepped up into the canoe and grabbed a paddle.  “Okay, get in.” 

                The weather that morning was perfect for fishing and Masina was able to fill up the basket with small fish and catch larger prey with a wooden pole.  “As much as I love tradition, if I could, I’d get a modern rod – you know, the kind you can reel in.” 

                “Oh sure, lots of places sell them in Pago-Pago.  Say, in a boat like this, could you go there?” 

                “It would take a while.  A canoe with a sail would be much faster provided the wind is with you.” 

                “And that’s what you sailed on your journey?”

                “Yes.”  She paused for a moment, listening only to the sound of the waves lapping against the canoe as the warmth of the sun surrounded them.  Despite her fears, she was comfortable around Fetuao.  Did she dare hope maybe this would work out?  Masina took a breath as his eyes studied her with no hint of judgment in them.  If she didn’t do this, her dreams of a family might never be realized, so she smiled and finally took down the wall around her heart.

*

                The days at the clinic were long and Penina found herself putting in more time as Dr. Bruce insisted on keeping notes on every patient who came in.  “If something goes wrong, it’s important to pinpoint what happened.  Back in Australia we have a charting system.  What happens if someone sues and you can’t prove what you did or didn’t do?” 

                Penina shook her head.  “That’s never happened.  The attitude is different here.  The patients understand we do everything we can, but sometimes everything isn’t enough.” 

                “So when someone dies, they just accept it?” 

                “We understand that death is a natural part of life, Doctor.”  She laid her finished papers on a counter in the exam room.  “If we’re done, I should get home.  New family chiefs – _matai_ – are being named today and my sister is in the ceremony.” 

                “What does she do?” 

                “She’s the village _taupou,_ so on this occasion, her job is to mix a drink called ‘ _ava_.  It’s very important and…” 

                “I’m sorry – she’s a what?” 

                “ _Taupou_ – it’s…”  Not a princess, but how could she explain this in English?  “Usually, she’s the daughter of the high chief who helps in certain duties around the village, but my grandfather has no daughters who are unmarried and being a virgin is a requirement.” 

                “Like a ceremonial virgin, then?” 

                “Yes, I guess so.”

                Dr. Bruce sat back in his chair.  “So, if a volcano is about to blow, then…she’s the one you sacrifice?” 

                “What book did you read?  We don’t do that.”  Penina chuckled at the ridiculous statement.

                He laughed.   “And are you?” 

                “What?  A _taupou_?” 

                “A virgin.” 

                Penina’s cheeks flushed with heat at such a personal question.  “I am not married.” 

                Another laugh escaped him.  “That’s not what I asked.  Marriage is not prerequisite for sex.” 

                As a nurse, the word ‘sex’ shouldn’t have shocked her, but she wasn’t used to discussing it so openly…especially with a man.  “It is for me.  I should be going.”

                Penina ducked into the small employee room and changed her clothes.  It was Friday so she slipped the white uniform in her bag so it could be washed over the weekend.  She made sure her time card was filled out before heading to the station and climbing up into one of the colorful buses she knew would take her straight to her village.  She felt fortunate to have a window seat where she could watch the scenery go by and have a light breeze to cool her…that was until there was a large pop from upfront followed by the bus wobbling as the driver pulled over and rolled to a stop.  She sighed as the driver got out to assess the damage and waited until he told everyone it could be an hour or more before another bus came by. 

                Some people grumbled softly, having come from further away, however Penina realized they were only one town away, so she decided to go the rest of the way on foot.  It took almost an hour and a half to walk the distance, but she felt more productive walking than she would have waiting around.  Plus, she was able to stop at a small shop on the way and surrender some money for a coconut, out of which she drank the water to quench her thirst.  The shop keeper took pity on her when he heard she still had a ways to go and filled her coconut shell with tap water for the journey.  “ _Faafetai_ ,” she thanked him.

                By the time she arrived, she could tell the _‘ava_ ceremony was over as people were sitting in the communal _fale_ sharing a large meal together.  She glimpsed her sister on a mat with Fetuao and smiled at seeing Masina laugh about something.  He was handsome and there was no doubt that she might have pursued him herself if he and her sister weren’t hitting it off so well.  After all, Penina was cute enough with unblemished skin, so she might catch someone’s fancy. 

                “Hey, Nina.”  One of the young men nearby clicked his tongue and winked. 

                “Bug off, Tanielu.”  Penina retreated to her _fale_ , tempted to put down a sleeping mat and simply curl up for the night, but to do so would be disrespectful.  She needed to at least make an appearance and congratulate the men recently named chiefs of their families.  Plus, her stomach rumbled at the delicious smells wafting over the village from the feast reminding her she hadn’t eaten since lunch.  As she changed into a _puletasi_ , her thoughts turned back to Dr. Bruce and she smiled.  Maybe…just maybe…if she played her cards right, he’d fall for her and take her back to Australia with him…perhaps he was the ticket to making her dreams come true.

*

                Penina was roused early by her mother who told her that her assistance was needed immediately.  “Several of the _matai_ are sick – including your grandpa.” 

                “What’s wrong?” 

                “Throwing up, mostly – probably just some kind of food poisoning.” 

                She quickly got up and followed her mother, finding exactly the same thing at each house.  “I’m not sure if it’s from food or water,” Penina said, “but, I have something to ease the symptoms.”  She gave each family an herbal remedy and instructions to try and keep the afflicted men hydrated.

                “You know why this is happening, right?” the wife of one man asked her.  “It’s that sister of yours – she mixed the _‘ava_ and now every man who drank it is violently ill.” 

                She raised an eyebrow skeptically and she wouldn’t say ‘violently ill’ – more like a small stomach upset.  “I don’t think it has anything to do with her.  Most likely there was a problem with the _‘ava_ root or the water used.” 

                “It’s her,” the wife insisted.  “She’s cursed and now she’s spreading the curse to the entire village.”

                Penina wanted to tell her to stop being ridiculous, but the woman was her elder, so she bit her tongue.  The last _fale_ she visited was her grandfather’s where she mixed the herbs into water and gave it to him to drink.  The men recovered quickly within a day, but whispers had spread around the village about Masina, who walked around with her head held high as though it didn’t bother her. 

                “Why should it?” she asked Penina that evening as they were preparing to sleep.  “I haven’t done anything wrong.” 

                “People are saying it’s because you’re together with Fetuao…that maybe you two have…”

                “That’s crazy!”  Masina plunked her brush down and began pulling her hair up into a bun.  “We haven’t even held hands!”  She huffed angrily and lay down on her mat.  “I’m still capable and worthy of being a _taupou_.” 

                “I believe you.  I’m on your side – forever.” 

                 And Penina meant it, even as she noticed a definite romance blossoming between her sister and Fetuao over the next few weeks.  Masina seemed not to care what the villagers thought, but suspicion had been cast on her.  One evening Penina came home to find the two sitting in the _fale_ talking.  She knew her sister wouldn’t do anything, but just the two of them being alone together wouldn’t look good to others.

                “So, you’ve never even considered it?”  Masina asked. 

                Fetuao laughed lightly.  “It’s a huge undertaking.” 

                “I’m just saying, you’re worthy of one – you’ve been to war.” 

                “And you’d find me more attractive with one?” 

                Masina shrugged.  “I mean…it’s the mark of a man.  I feel if someone is willing to take on the responsibility of his own life…and the lives of others…he should have one.” 

                Penina sat down on a mat.  “What are we talking about?” 

                “She’s trying to convince me to get _pe’a_.”  He passed a plate of food to Penina.  “I’ve been on the fence about it.  I mean, my dad didn’t get it; neither did my brother.  If I ever moved, I’m not sure how well it would be received.” 

                “Why would you ever want to leave?”  Masina asked. 

                “Well, my brother lives in New York and I’ve considered going there myself.”  Fetuao cleared the last bit of pork off his plate before continuing.  “I mean, it’s not set in stone, but there are more opportunities to living in the United States.  Plus, any children of mine would be citizens instead of nationals, which comes with many more benefits for them.  Sure, they’ll let me fight in a war, but voting for president, not so much.  Especially for girls, if I had them – so many more opportunities.” 

                “There are opportunities here,” her sister countered.  “Penina’s a nurse.  That’s a good job.” 

                Fetuao nodded.  “Yes, being a nurse is a respectable profession, but what if my daughter could be a doctor?  Even in American Samoa, people are very traditional, so their options are limited.  On the mainland – man – women are making a fuss about equality and I believe they’ll get it.  Even for me – I finished school with a degree in accounting and I’m doing nothing with it here.”

                Masina looked down at her hands clasped in her lap.  “So…you like educated women?” 

                He put a hand on her shoulder.  “I like who I like.” 

                Penina knew Masina wasn’t stupid; after all, she’d had the same basic education through high school that was required, but nothing beyond that, aspiring to live a traditional village life.  After Fetuao had left and they were settling down for the night, Penina asked:  “How would you feel about moving away?” 

                “I think I’d be lonely.  I wouldn’t know anyone and I’d be so far away.  If I were just going to his island, it might be different, but he’s talking about New York.” 

                “It could be an adventure.” 

                “Who knows when I’d be able to come back…” 

                “You could see snow.”  Penina had only seen pictures of it and tried to imagine what it would be like – like cool spring water, she thought, but even colder.  “You want marriage, right?  Children?  This might be part of it…following and supporting your husband.” 

                Masina hugged her knees to her chest and sighed.  “We’re not married and I would have to know he’s _really_ serious about me to even consider it.”

                This gave Penina something to think about as well.  If she hit it off with Dr. Bruce and moved to Australia, she and her sister would be worlds away.  She suspected he liked her as he was very complimentary on her work and seemed to find excuses to keep her after work to chat.  One weekend, Penina took the opportunity to ride the ferry to Apia where she spent a few of her hard earned _tala_ on some mascara and lipstick.  She tucked it away in her coconut purse next to her pink shell, not wanting anyone to ask who she was trying to impress.  As she walked into the village after work one day, she wondered how her parents would react to Dr. Bruce.  Certainly, they had no problems with foreigners.  In fact, their village had often welcomed many tourists from other countries.  Marrying one, however, may cause them to react differently. 

                The familiar tapping sound coming from a _fale_ caught her ears and she looked over to see who was getting tattooed now.  Her own tattoos had hurt and though she was proud to have them, she wasn’t itching for more.  She was surprised to see Fetuao lying stomach-down on a mat while the _tufuga ta tatau_ skillfully tapped an intricate design into his skin.  Masina sat by his head, one hand on his hair and the other holding his in support.  Her eyes locked with Penina’s as the twins both smiled at each other.  _Well,_ Penina thought, _I guess he’s really serious…_

*

                “What seems to be the problem today?”  Penina asked as she led an older woman and her daughter back into the exam room.  

                “I hurt – it started a few months ago under my arm and now my chest and legs are hurting,” the woman explained. 

                Her daughter helped her mother onto the table.  “She’s been tired and gets out of breath very easily.” 

                Penina took her vitals and then gently felt under the woman’s arm, her brows furrowing at what she found.  “I’m going to have the doctor take a look.”  This was not something for a nurse to handle, in fact, she was pretty certain she knew what it was.  Her new makeup made her feel bold and confident as she presented her findings to Dr. Bruce.

                “And what does it look like to you, Dr. Nina?”  He asked in a joking tone. 

                “Cancer,” she said.  “And it’s probably spread to her bones and her lungs.” 

                Dr. Bruce followed her down the short hallway.  “It’s hard to diagnose without better technology, but if it’s spread there’s nothing we can do.  Even in the modern world, advanced cancer is terminal.”

                She stood to the side taking notes while Dr. Bruce examined the woman and then had her translate exactly what they’d suspected.  “He’s going to prescribe some pain medicine, but there’s nothing we can do.”  She put a hand on the daughter’s shoulder.  “Keep her comfortable.  He says it won’t be much longer.” 

                The sadness reflected in their eyes stuck with her all day right up until the moment she placed her finished notes on the counter in the exam room Dr. Bruce also used as an office.  “I can’t stop thinking about that poor woman.” 

                “It’s hard to see cases like that.  The cancer likely started over a year ago.  There was quite a large tumor in her breast and another in the tissue under her armpit.”  He looked over her notes.  “You’re a very good nurse, Nina.  You would do well helping others in a more developed country.  Have you considered it?” 

                “Well…perhaps.  It would be hard to leave home, but it would be nice to live somewhere I can actually help people beyond what we have here.  I mean, maybe if she’d had testing earlier…” 

                He sighed and tapped his pen against the counter.  “Cancer is a difficult disease to treat.  We’re making progress and sometimes if it’s caught early enough we can remove the tumor before it spreads and hope for the best.”  

                “You must have all sorts of technology for that.” 

                “There’s a machine that’s fairly recent for imaging breast tissue looking for changes, but honestly the best thing a woman can do is her regular self exam.”  He sat back when he saw her confused expression.  “You’re telling me you don’t even teach women to do this?”

                Honestly, she’d never even heard of it.  “Um…I’d need some training, then I could…”

                Dr. Bruce stood and started washing his hands.  “Unbutton your dress and lay down on the exam table.” 

                “What…me?” 

                “How else did you expect me to train you?” 

                “Um…”  Penina felt heat creep into her cheeks.  She pushed her worry aside; he was a doctor after all.  However, she couldn’t ever remember needing to undress so much even for a doctor and no man had ever seen her chest.  Her heart pounded as she undid her buttons and unhooked her bra, sliding it off before she took her place on the table. 

                “Raise your arm and put your hand behind your head.  That’s the best position for this.” 

                She felt her nerves melt away as he touched gently below her armpit, pushing in a little further.  She wasn’t even sure what she’d been concerned with as she realized that he was being professional about it.  “That’s where her tumor was.” 

                “There’s breast tissue in this area too.  Now, you’ll have to palpate a little deeper because your breasts are…well…bigger than most.”  

                Penina winced a little when he pinched her nipple lightly.  She could almost hear her mother’s disapproving voice telling her to get dressed – that this was not appropriate – but she pushed it out of her mind.  Of course it was appropriate – he was a doctor and this was just an exam.  She gasped when his hand covered her other breast and squeezed gently.  His thumb swept over her nipple causing heat to pool below her stomach.  She was absolutely certain this was not part of the exam anymore and she knew she should ask him to stop. 

                Before she could, however, he leaned in and pressed his lips against hers, coaxing her mouth open.  It wasn’t as if she’d never kissed anyone, but she wasn’t used to this kind of kissing…or this kind of touching.  Her heart sped up as her lips tingled and he made the kisses more aggressive.  She should pull away and tell him to stop.  This was not right or appropriate…and, God, he had broken the kiss and his lips her on her neck now, teasing a spot that sent electricity shooting down her spine. 

                This was okay…right?  As long as she didn’t completely give in…she could fool around and keep herself pure.  She knew plenty of girls who did who were still virgins…or were they?  His free hand was in her skirt now, fingers ready at the waistband of her tights…

*

** Present Day **

                “Okay, Mom…before we go any further…ew, gross.”  Jasper had never thought of her mother being with anyone…not even her father…she hadn’t wanted to.  “I mean, I get lots of women want to get it on with some hot Aussie bloke…is that the term…yeah…but I don’t need to know what happened down under.”

                “You don’t even know what happened,” Penina countered.

                Jasper tilted her head and raised an eyebrow.  “I have a pretty good idea.  Wait…all these years you told Amethyst and I to save ourselves for marriage and…you didn’t?” 

                “Well…I told him I was waiting…”

                “I remember.”

                “I told him we should stop…but I don’t think he heard me.”

                Her hand, which had been resting under her chin fell onto the table as she got that sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach.  “What?” 

                Penina waved her hand dismissingly.  “I told him I didn’t want to, but maybe I was too quiet…or I wasn’t clear enough.”

                “I’m sorry – in what way is the word ‘no’ unclear?”  And Jasper could see a flicker in her mother’s eyes…a hint of that young, naïve girl truly believing that this man would listen to her…that he wouldn’t have…couldn’t have…done that to her.  Her silence was a scream of pain from a secret she’d held for fifty years.  “Did…did you tell anyone?” 

                “Only your father.” 

                Jasper reached over and covered her mom’s hand with her own.  “I’m so sorry, Mom.” 

She shook her head as though banishing the memory.  “Anyway, when the time comes I forget _that_ , I won’t mind.” 

                “You never went to therapy or…nothing?  You just kept it in?” 

                “It was over and done.  Women didn’t broadcast all their business back then.”  She took a shaky breath and released it slowly.  “Besides, I put on all that makeup and unbuttoned my dress…and even if I let him do the exam, I should have stopped it right when it started.” 

                “Mom, I want you to listen to me.”  Jasper squeezed her mother’s hand.  If her mother weren’t on her way to forgetting it, she’d tell her to consider therapy – to be able to deal with this trauma she’d kept hidden for so long.  However, she’d likely quickly forget the therapy sessions themselves…soon enough she’d forget she even told her daughter.  At least in this moment, Jasper could offer some words of comfort.  “You did nothing wrong, okay…and you’re not alone.  He did something wrong – very wrong – to you – HE did.  It had nothing to do with what you were wearing or how you were acting.” 

                “I don’t want to talk too much about it.  I just pretended it didn’t happen and moved on…” 

                “That’s not moving on – that’s suppressing it…”  Oh God, she never wanted to bring this up with either of her parents, but her mom needed to know that Jasper really understood the pain she was feeling.  “That’s what I did and it nearly drove me insane.” 

                “You…?  Oh, Jasper…when?” 

                She’d leave out anything that happened in the prison – that was a very different situation, but instead focused on her assault by Sergeant McCoy.  That seemed like so long ago now, but she could still remember how hard it was to breathe with him on top of her.  She remembered the fear that engulfed her like cold water and the shame that consumed her afterwards as she believed she’d done something wrong.   “I was twenty-two.  I told Lacy, but it took about eight months before I ever brought it up in therapy.  You know why it hurts so bad?  Because someone you trusted hurt you.  A doctor…a fellow soldier…people who should care about you and help you…and when they do shit like this, it’s a huge smack in the face.  And I thought it was my fault too because he knew I was sleeping with other soldiers, but it wasn’t.  You’re not alone and it wasn’t your fault.” 

                Penina pulled away and threw her hands up.  “I don’t want to talk about it!  I didn’t talk about it then and I don’t want to now!” 

                Jasper sat back in her chair.  “Okay, we don’t have to.  Where do you want to continue your story?” 

                “Well, let’s see – that next month or so is really unremarkable except your father finishing his _pe’a_ …it got infected…” 

*

**Samoa 1973**

                “It’s been red and swollen just around the belly button,” Fetuao told her as Penina examined it at the clinic. 

                Masina stood off to the side, leaning against the wall.  She wore a _puletasi_ she only reserved for going out.  There was also a flower in the left side of her hair signifying her changed relationship status.  “We’ve been using coconut oil to keep it moist and ocean water to clean it.” 

                Penina pressed on it, pushing aside her nausea as some pus leaked out.  Usually it didn’t bother her, but she’d been feeling off for a few days now.  “Okay, I’m going to get Dr. Bruce to take a look.  You may need antibiotics.”  She turned to her sister.  “I’m also going to give you a bottle of sterile saline – clean salt water is good for cleansing; ocean water is full of bacteria.”

                She walked down the hall and informed Dr. Bruce of her findings.  His brows furrowed together.  “Why on earth do they think washing their wounds in ocean water is a good idea?” 

                “It’s what’s been done for centuries and some of them…” like her sister, “…are resistant to change.” 

                He followed her to the exam room and looked at Fetuao’s stomach.  “It’s not terribly bad – keep it clean, but dry – stop with the bloody salt water – and I’ll write you a script for an antibiotic ointment.”  Dr. Bruce looked at Penina with raised eyebrows as his way of telling her to translate. 

                “He speaks English.  He understood what you said.” 

                “Sorry about that, mate.  Not all of you do.” 

                “It’s required learning in school,” Masina interjected. 

                Dr. Bruce gazed over at her for a moment, his eyes scanning up and down before he pulled a prescription pad from the pocket of his white coat and scribbled on it.  “Apply this twice a day for the next week.  If it doesn’t clear up, come back.  I leave on Friday, but I’ve made notes so if you need to see Dr. Afoa, he’ll know what’s going on.”   He unceremoniously handed the paper to Fetuao and left. 

                “He…uh…he’s interesting,” Fetuao commented as he pulled his shirt back on. 

                Penina sighed.  “I heard him muttering something the other day about ‘this whole backwards place’ and how he couldn’t wait to go home.”  She couldn’t believe she’d had a crush on him.  She wouldn’t wait for him to leave either – then she could push aside the wrong he’d done to her and forget about him.  She said goodbye to them and took a few deep breaths before calling back the next patient who was from her village.  The heavily pregnant woman seemed relieved to sit on the exam table.  “What seems to be the problem today, Samaria?” 

                “I haven’t felt my baby move.  He’s due any day, but I worry something is wrong.”

                “That’s not uncommon when you get close; there’s not much room in there for him, but let’s check for a heartbeat.”  Penina grabbed a stethoscope, putting it to her ears and moving the other end around the woman’s belly until she finally heard the rapid heartbeat.  “There it is and timing it on my watch…it’s 140, which is normal, so I don’t think your baby is in distress, just cramped.” 

                “Thank you, Penina.  Anything to get labor started sooner?” 

                “I’ve heard spicy food and walking can help.”  She lowered her voice.  “Rumor has it sex can get it started too.” 

                Samaria laughed.  “You think I’ll let my husband on me when this is what happened?!”

                After she was gone, Penina’s thoughts turned to her own stomach and how queasy she’d felt the past few days.  She knew Masina’s flow had come and gone two weeks ago, but Penina hadn’t had hers.  With her training, she was pretty sure she knew what was going on.  She knew there were ways to test for it, but not here.  They had a lab at that hospital in Apia, but that was a long journey to confirm what she already knew.  However, maybe it wouldn’t be a bad idea to relocate to Apia for a while – get lost in the capital where she could have her baby and give it up for adoption.  Provided no one from her village saw her, she could get away with it and she was chubby enough to be able to hide it for four or five months before she really started showing.

                She’d become accustomed to leaving her notes on the counter of the exam room at the end of the day and Dr. Bruce not usually saying much more to her than a simple ‘good night’ or ‘see you tomorrow’, but tonight he asked: “How long has your sister had vitiligo?” 

                “What?” 

                “Her skin.  How long has it been like that?” 

                “About four years.”  Vitiligo…it had a name.  “What is it exactly?” 

                “It’s a disorder where the immune system attacks the cells necessary for making pigment – that’s what gives your skin its color – making it turn white.” 

                “Is it…dangerous?  Or contagious?” 

                “Neither, though some evidence has pointed to it being passed on genetically.” 

                “And is there a cure?” 

                “No, but it will usually stop spreading on its own at some point.”

                Penina breathed a sigh of relief.  “Thank you.  My village thinks she’s cursed.” 

                Dr. Bruce laughed.  “That’s ridiculous.  You know, Nina, for one of the natives, you’re very bright.  You should look into moving abroad and pursuing real medicine – not this witchcraft, voodoo nonsense.” 

                Her cheeks flushed with angry heat, but she kept her tone level.  “I like it here and natural medicine is not witchcraft…or nonsense.  Good night, Doctor.”  She left before he could reply.  ‘For one of the natives’ he had said – as though she was so different from him.  They were both human with the same capacity for knowledge.  As much as she did like it here, maybe she’d do it.  Maybe she’d find the means to move away, become a doctor and show him just how smart she was! 

                Moreover, she couldn’t wait to get home and tell Masina what she’d found out.  She’d have to tell her grandfather too so he could let the people know once and for all that she was not cursed or dangerous.  As soon as the bus stopped outside her village, she ran for her _fale_ , only to be stopped by Fetuao.  “What’s up?” 

                “They could probably use your help.  Samaria’s in labor.” 

                “Really?  That was fast.” 

                Fetuao laughed.  “Well, apparently you told her to walk, so she walked all the way from the clinic and when she got here, her water broke.  Masina and your mom are with her.” 

                Penina giggled and shook her head.  “That crazy woman – I didn’t mean from the clinic!”  She went to their _fale_ where the blinds were drawn and Samaria’s husband was standing nervously outside with a few other men who were telling him it was normal to feel anxious, but this was also a happy day.  She heard the woman’s pained groans as she pulled back the blind covering the entrance.  She knelt down by Samaria.  “How are you doing?” 

                She panted and her face contorted in discomfort.  “Is it usually this painful?” 

                “That’s normal.” 

                “How long does it take?” 

                “It’s different for everyone, but first babies can take their time.” 

                Samaria let out another groan and leaned her head back.  Penina would take care of the medical portion of everything while the other women took turns keeping Samaria comfortable – rubbing her back and stomach, giving her sips of water and speaking calmly to her as the evening progressed into night and her labor intensified.  Finally, in the darkest part of the night, just before dawn, Penina helped deliver her baby.  “It’s a girl!”  She wiped the baby’s mouth and gave her a firm slap on the behind causing her to belt out a healthy cry. 

                The new mother got to hold her and comfort her before Penina’s mother washed her.  She turned and motioned for Penina to come over, speaking quietly.  “I’ve seen it take babies a few days to get their full color, but this baby is really white.” 

                And it was true, from the hair on her head to her perfectly formed toes, the little girl was as white as the sand on the beach…or some of Masina’s skin.  But Dr. Bruce had said Masina wasn’t contagious…that no one else could get it…that it might be genetic, but she knew no one in Samaria’s family had vitiligo.  It was possible this was something entirely different, but it didn’t bode well for her sister especially when the infant was handed to Samaria and she frowned.  “Why does she look like that?” 

                Penina put a hand on her shoulder.  “We don’t know, but I can ask the doctor where I work…”

                “I know why.”  Samaria looked accusingly at Masina.  “You rubbed my belly – you rubbed it with your pale hand and now my baby has your curse!” 

                “I-I didn’t do anything wrong,” Masina stammered. 

                “What did I do to make you curse me and my baby?!  Get out of here!” 

                Penina wanted to go after her sister as she ran from the _fale_ , but she had to stay and ensure everyone stayed healthy and massage Samaria’s abdomen to help her uterus shrink down.  It was a few hours later before she was able to leave.  She would have to walk to the main road, to a store in order to call her work from a payphone and let them know she wouldn’t be in.  She didn’t want to take a day off as that meant she didn’t get paid, but after that night, she was in need of rest.

                She ran through the village and toward the shore where she knew Masina might be if she weren’t already out on canoe.  She tripped and fell, her coconut purse opening and spilling its contents on the grass.  Penina quickly scooped the money and makeup back into it and walked slowly until she passed by a shaded part of the beach, keeping her presence discrete as she heard her sister and Fetuao talking. 

                “I just can’t believe she thought I cursed her child,” Masina said.  “I’d never do that…I don’t know what I did to deserve this.” 

                “Nothing – there has to be an explanation.  You know – and I know you’ve been reluctant to talk about this – but if we moved, there might be someone who could figure out what this is.”

                Masina sighed heavily.  “I know you want to go to New York and be close to your brother, but I don’t want to live that far away.” 

                “We don’t have to go to New York,” he told her.  “Look, I want to move to the United States, for all the reasons I’ve said before and I know you like island living and a tropical environment.  We can compromise on this.” 

                Masina laughed.  “How?  We can’t both get what we want.” 

                “Hawaii,” he said simply. 

                “Hawaii?” 

                “It’s still far, but not as far as New York and it’s part of Polynesia.  It’s also a state, where our children will be born citizens and have every opportunity I want for them.”  He wiped his palms on his _lavalava_ as though he were sweating nervously.  “I love you, Masina.  I want to be with you and to realize my dreams – I want my dreams to be your dreams…” 

                “Fetuao, I…”

                “No, let me finish.  I don’t have a lot to offer you – I realize that – and I know I haven’t known you very long, but I can’t imagine being without in my life.  Wherever I go I want you with me – I want to build a life with you and have children with you…” 

                “But my face…my skin…”

                “Is beautiful – it’s you.  I wouldn’t change a thing.  You’re unique and special and wonderful and I want to marry you!”

                Masina paused, gazing at him in stunned disbelief.  “What was that?” 

                Fetuao took a deep breath and released a sigh.  “I don’t even have a ring to give you, and I know it’s a lot to ask, but will you marry me, Masina?” 

                 Penina didn’t wait to witness her answer, undoubtedly knowing what it would be.  She quietly slipped away and began walking toward the main road winding along the coast.  Everyone thought her sister was cursed, but now she was getting exactly what she’d always wanted – a husband with the promise of children.  She was getting what Penina wanted too – an opportunity to get off the island and see the world.  She was left wondering what she had done so wrong as to end up pregnant and unmarried. 

                When she returned from the store after making her phone call, she rolled out a sleeping mat in her _fale_ to try and get some rest.  She thought about the make up in her purse and how she’d put it on to make Dr. Bruce think she was beautiful.  Well, she didn’t feel beautiful now and had no one else to blame but herself for her predicament.  It rang in her head that her sister had followed the rules and her dreams were coming true, while Penina’s life was being plunged into a nightmare.  She opened her purse and took out the makeup, putting it in the bottom of her trunk where she kept her clothes.  She counted through her _tala_ , making a mental note to give most of the money to her family later.  Something was missing and it took her a moment to realize it was her shell…the perfect pink one she’d kept for years.  It was a ridiculous reason to cry, but the tears started anyway.  She hugged her knees to her chest as she thought about the makeup in the trunk and the baby growing inside her…and of her shell…her perfect, pink shell she’d lost forever.

*

                She slept most of the day, returning to the beach later on.  It was quiet and the only people there were a few tourists tanning in the sun and a few families from the village.  Masina and Fetuao sat in the sand talking softly.  Penina sat down beside them.  “How are you guys doing?” 

                “I spoke with Grandpa,” Masina said.  “He told me the council is probably going to give the _taupou_ position to one of our cousins.  Even he’s having trouble explaining how Samaria’s baby came out white.” 

                “Did she cheat on her husband maybe?  With a _palagi_?” Fetuao suggested.

                “I have a hard time believing she would, knowing her, but even if she did, the baby wouldn’t be completely white.  Even foreigners have _some_ color to their skin,” Penina pointed out as she watched one of the tourists rub sunscreen onto their bronzed arm.  

                “I didn’t even get a chance to tell him we’re getting married.”  Masina sighed.  “But since we are I guess I’d be losing my position soon enough.” 

                “When were you thinking of having the wedding?”  Penina asked. 

                “Well, I have to return home for a bit because I’m reaching my sixty day limit here,” Fetuao explained.  “So, I’ll be going tomorrow – I’ll tell my family and we’ll set a date when I return in a couple of weeks.  Probably by the end of summer.” 

                Penina wondered when they were planning to move for good.  No doubt they might spend some time in the village after the wedding, but Masina would probably follow him back to American Samoa and eventually to Hawaii.  Suddenly, her sister got up and ran towards the waves, reaching out and catching the small hand of one of the children who was wading in a little far and had slipped beneath the water. 

                “Come on,” Penina heard her say.  “Let’s take you back to your mom.” 

                Fetuao smiled as they watched her walk off with the toddler.  “She’ll make a great mother someday.” 

                “Yeah.”  Penina pulled her knees to her chest and looked out at the ocean. 

                “You’ve been quiet lately.  Anything you want to talk about?” 

                “I hardly know you.” 

                “Now that’s not true.  I’m going to be your brother in a while anyhow.”  He nudged her with his elbow.  “So, what’s going on?”

                Her eyes wandered to the others on the beach who were too far away to hear and the foreigners who didn’t speak their language.  She’d wanted to keep it in, but couldn’t do it anymore.  She shut her eyes, squeezing out tears.  “I’m pregnant.” 

                “I-I didn’t even think you were seeing anyone.  Are you getting married?” 

                Penina shook her head.  “It’s Dr. Bruce’s…I told him to stop, but he didn’t…” 

                “Did you tell him about the baby?” 

                “No.  He wouldn’t care. He thinks we’re stupid – he’s said as much and I doubt he’d step up and do the right thing.  He wouldn’t know the right thing if it came up and bit him on the butt.”  She wiped her tears away.  “I think the only thing to do is to go to Apia and have the baby and give it away.  If I have it here, there goes any chance I’ll get married.”

                Fetuao put a hand on her shoulder.  “I’m sorry that happened to you.  If I got a woman pregnant, I’d do the right thing.  In fact, if I wasn’t with Masina, I’d offer to marry you – to spare you that shame.” 

                And despite bringing up her trauma and her delicate situation, she found herself laughing a bit.  “You’re too good for this world, but I wouldn’t ask you to do that.  Masina has been worried for years she wouldn’t find anyone and it’s obvious you two love each other.  It would break her heart.” 

                He nodded and smiled.  “I couldn’t do that to her.  I can’t wait to marry her.  Can you keep a secret?”  When she told him she could, he pulled something from his shirt pocket.  “I found this in the village and the pearl I found shucking oysters.” 

                A lump rose in her throat as she stared at the perfect pink shell and pearl in his hand.  “It’s…” 

                “Beautiful, right?  My aunt carves and sells wooden combs.  I want to have her put these on one and give it to Masina as an engagement gift.” 

                “I don’t know – it’ll be pretty, but Masina is practical.  She’d probably appreciate a modern fishing rod more.” 

                Fetuao chuckled.  “Well, maybe I’ll buy her one of those too.”

                “She’ll love both, I’m sure.” 

                He slipped the items back in his pocket as Masina joined them again.  He intertwined his fingers with hers.  “Did you get the child back safely?” 

                “Yes, thankfully his mom had nothing bad to say about me returning him.  She was just relieved he was back as she should be.  He almost got pulled out by the undertow.”  She squeezed her fiancé’s hand as the sound of a conch shell being blown rose above the village signaling curfew.  “Time for prayer…then dinner…I’m starving.” 

                Penina stayed behind for a moment, looking out at the sea and knew all her prayers from now on would be asking for help out of this situation…or strength to endure it. 

*

                A piercing scream from one of the houses cut through the evening sometime after prayer and dinner, alerting everyone in village.  One of the women ran toward Penina and Masina’s _fale_ with a limp child in her arms.  “Help!  Penina help me!  He’s not breathing!” 

                “Lay him down,” Penina told her.  She took a look at his blue face and wiped away the foam from his mouth, but more frothed out.  He was cold and…familiar…she gasped.  He was child Masina had pulled from the water.  Penina pressed her fingers to the toddler’s neck and had to fight back tears when she found no pulse.  “I…I…” 

                The mother knelt beside them, her voice cracking.  “No…” 

                “What happened before this?” Penina asked. 

                “He was sleepy – couldn’t keep his eyes open – so I lay him down for a nap and then when I checked on him…”  Tears slipped down her cheeks.  She turned and slapped Masina’s hand away when she tried comforting the grieving woman.  “Not you!  You…”  She simply shook her head and scooped her child into her arms, holding him gently. 

                Masina rose slowly, looking around at the crowd who had gathered…who were all eying her suspiciously.  She caught sight of Samaria, her eyes shooting daggers as she held her pale baby.  She saw her grandfather sigh as though even he may not be able to save her now.  She ran off, past all the fales, into the woods, trying hard not to let it get to her as her throat tightened and she burst through into a clearing she knew well where a waterfall crashed down into a swimming hole. 

                It took a moment for Fetuao to catch up with her.  “Masina…” 

                She whirled around and faced him.  “I know I was hesitant about leaving my home before, but now I’m not!  I’m not sure I’ll be accepted wherever we go, but anyplace is better than this!  I’ll go anywhere with you!”  Masina broke down into tears and fell into his arms.  “Please…just take me away from here…” 

                He firmly hugged her.  “I leave tomorrow, then when I return in a week, we’ll get married and I’ll take you away – as far as you want, okay?” 

                Masina nodded and wiped her tears away.  “Just stay with me tonight.” 

                “What will the village think?” 

                “Let them think what they want.  They’re already replacing me as their _taupou_ …I don’t know what they’re thinking after this whole thing…all I need and want right now is you.” 

                Fetuao kissed her softly and held her close, easing the pain in her heart and the worry in her mind and she surrendered to simply being with him in a place where all she knew was his love and protection.

*

                Penina was unsure if Masina had stayed out all night, or crept back into the _fale_ for a few hours of sleep before heading out for morning fishing.  Either way, she wasn’t on her mat when Penina woke up.  After getting dressed and eating a quick breakfast, she made her way through the village, noticing the _matai_ up early having a meeting with her grandfather.  She had no doubt it was about Masina and her heart pounded as she knew full well whatever it was, it couldn’t be good.  But…her sister had done nothing wrong…surely they had to know that.  

                She arrived at the bus stop to find someone familiar waiting.  “Fetuao… _talofa_.” 

                “Hey, Penina.” 

                “Is Masina okay?” 

                He nodded, sorrow clouding his eyes.  “She went fishing.  I have to get to the ferry so I can go home, but I promised her I’d return in a week.  How are you doing?” 

                “Fine, though I’m starting to feel a bit sick in the mornings,” she said, keeping her voice low. 

                “Does your sister even know?” 

                Penina shook her head.  “No one does…except you.” 

                “Well…I don’t know what I can do, but…I’d recommend telling Masina.  I mean, she’d want to help however she can…I do, too.” 

                “Thank you.” 

                “I mean, obviously I haven’t discussed it with her yet, but if adoption is what you’re thinking, I’d be willing to help.  I don’t have a lot, but I could love any child.” 

                “That’s…you don’t have to…”

                “We’re family – or we will be soon – so any child of yours, regardless of how it came to be, is also family and we take care of each other.” 

                She gave him a small smile as they boarded the bus and sat next to each other.  The bumpiness of the road didn’t help anything and he rubbed her back as she leaned out the open window during a stop and spewed her breakfast out on the side of the road.  Penina sat back in her seat as the bus took off again.  “I’m sorry you had to see that.” 

                “It’s okay.” 

                Tears sprang to her eyes.  “No, it’s not okay…how dare he…” 

                “Hey, hey…”  Fetuao hugged her.  “He shouldn’t have done that to you, but you have me and your sister and your parents if you open up to them.  I’m sure they’ll understand.” 

                “They won’t.  I acted inappropriately.  I was wearing makeup and flirting…” 

                “No, Penina, stop.”  He put his hands on her shoulders.  “This was not your fault.  Looking pretty and flirting were no reason for him to…” 

                “Don’t say it…please.”  Her eyes looked around to other people on the bus, though they seemed not to be paying attention to them. 

                “You didn’t give him permission and he shouldn’t have done it.  I have half a mind to go in there and he should be thankful he’s a doctor because when I’m done, he’s gonna need one!”

                She gave a weak, half-smile.  “Wow, I feel sorry for any guy who messes with Masina.” 

                “Oh, anyone does anything to her, there’s no doctor that can save him.  They’ll be taking him straight to the graveyard.” 

                The bus rolled to a stop in the small village where Dr. Afoa’s clinic was located.  “Thank you…for talking to me.  I, uh…I guess I’ll see you in about a week then.” 

                He stood to let her out and gave her a hug before she walked off the bus.  She slowly made her way the short distance to the clinic where a few people already lingered outside the entrance.  She changed into her uniform and took a few deep breaths to calm her stomach before she entered the exam room.  “Good morning, Dr. Bruce.” 

                “Morning.  How is that young man doing, Nina?” 

                “Oh, Fetuao?  His tattoo is healing well and he’s on his way home.”  She kept her eyes cast down, hardly able to look at him now that her pregnancy was progressing.  Three more days…three more…and then he’d be gone and she’d never have to see him again.  She could have the baby, give it away and move on with her life.  She heard the front door open and murmurs of conversation. 

                “You were gone yesterday.  Everything okay?” 

                “A woman in my village had a baby, so I was helping.”  She paused remembering the baby’s pale skin.  “Are you sure that vitiligo disease isn’t contagious?” 

                “Very sure.” 

                Still avoiding his eyes, she told him about the baby.  “I mean my sister helped and the baby is completely white.” 

                “Okay, Nina, you have an obligation to make these people understand medical conditions and I won’t be here much longer for you to ask.  Can’t you go to the library and look it up?” 

                “The closest library is in Apia.”

                “Of course it is.”  Dr. Bruce sighed.  “It sounds like the baby has albinism.  The conditions are similar in that the skin doesn’t produce pigment, but albinism is a genetic mutation.  Neither are contagious; it’s just a fluke coincidence.”  He listened as she told him about the other child, shaking his head.  “I thought you were smarter than that, Nina, but I swear you believe in this ‘cursed’ nonsense too.  It sounds like, from what you described, he died of dry drowning – water got into his lungs, but suffocated him slowly over hours instead of killing him immediately.  The fact that your sister touched him is irrelevant.”

                “You’re positive?” 

                “Yes.”  His tone brimmed with annoyance. 

                She thanked him and walked to the waiting room to call back their first patient.  As she flashed a fake smile and brought them back, one thought kept her going: _three more days_ …

*

                As soon as she arrived in the village, her mother met her at the bus stop and grabbed her arm.  “Penina, come with me.” 

                “What is it?  What’s wrong?”

                “They’re having a village meeting…I’m afraid they’re going to try and banish Masina, but they’re putting it to a vote.” 

                “Why would they do that?  She didn’t do anything.”  Disbelief consumed her…they could do that.  She recalled what Dr. Bruce had told her…none of these tragedies had been due to Masina or her vitiligo.  Then something else crept into her mind…Fetuao…if Masina was banished, they likely wouldn’t get married and Penina would have to bear the shame of being an unwed mother.  Over the course of the day, she’d gotten comfortable with the idea of her sister and Fetuao caring for the child, rather than give it up to someone she didn’t know.  Now she’d either have to raise it herself – alone – or say goodbye forever.

                The communal _fale_ was crowded by the time Penina arrived and sat cross-legged on a mat near the front with her extended family.  Her mother gave her hand a squeeze and whispered: “We have to keep the family together.”

                As usual, the counsel of chiefs sat in the front, representing the five families that made up the village.  Masina was seated off to the side, her head down, awaiting to hear what her fate would be. 

                “We are here because a curse has descended on this village and the chiefs believe the best way to rid us of this misfortune is to banish the person who has brought it,” the Chief Orator said.  “While we realize Masina Levea is diligent in her work and skilled at both sailing and fishing, God has seen something in her that displeased Him.  As we know from Biblical examples, He has cursed her skin and we cannot let that blight spread as it already has to the Leasiolagi family.  Please, Samaria, show us your baby.” 

                The new mother stood, her eyes fixed on Masina as she pulled the blanket away from her baby’s white face and pale hair.  “It’s only on some of her skin, but my baby is completely white…what place will she have in society?  Who will want to marry her?  Can she even go in the sun?  What if she has to live at night in darkness?”  She pointed a finger at Masina.  “She should be cast out!”

                “Thank you for your testimony.  It will be for the village to decide.  Teuila, tell us what happened to your child.” 

                Another woman took a shaky breath from somewhere in the room, but didn’t stand.  “She grabbed my son’s arm to pull him from the ocean and later that day…”  She choked back a sob.  “…he was dead…just like that…” 

                “Masina, do you have anything to say to defend yourself?”  The Chief Orator asked. 

                Her sister took a moment before raising her head.  “I never meant to cause anyone harm, but I don’t believe my skin is a curse…” her lips shook as though she were trying not to cry and she looked over desperately at Penina.  “There has to be a medical reason.”

                _Tell them_ , something in her mind said.  _You asked Dr. Bruce – he said it’s called vitiligo.  It’s not contagious…she’s not dangerous and she’s certainly not cursed…_

                But thinking about Dr. Bruce also reminded Penina of her own delicate situation.  It also reminded her of Fetuao saying he’d marry Penina to spare her the shame if he weren’t already attached to her sister.  If Masina were banished, then when Fetuao returned, he’d marry her instead.  In this instance, pain begat pain and she pressed her lips together, concealing the truth as the Chief Orator asked who would vote for Masina to remain in the village.  She took a quick glance around noticing about half of them would stand by her. 

                “And who votes in favor of banishment?” 

                She briefly caught sight of her sister’s face – her mouth open, her brows knitted together in disbelief as Penina slowly raised her hand in the air.  Beside her, Penina’s mother gave a quiet sob.

                “Then it is decided,” the older man said.  “Masina Levea, from this moment on, you are no longer a member of this village.  You may move to another if they will accept you.  We will give you until sunrise to leave.” 

                Masina stood slowly, politely, and walked to the exit – then she sprinted.  Penina rose and ran out after her.  “Masina!  Masina, wait!” 

                Her sister skidded to a stop once she’d reached the beach and whirled around.  Hot tears shone in her eyes.  “How DARE you!  I’m your sister!  YOUR SISTER!  Does that mean nothing to you?!”

                Penina put a hand on her stomach, panting from the exertion.  “I-I can explain…” 

                “Go ahead…explain.”  Moments passed with the only sound being the ocean lapping at the sand before Masina’s voice rang out again.  “EXPLAIN!”   

                Her words failed her…no explanation…no amount of apologies or regret could undo the way she’d betrayed the person she was closest to.  In the distance, the sky was painted shades of pink and orange as the sun prepared to sleep somewhere beyond the mountains behind them.  Masina stared at her with hardened eyes before finally turning. 

                It may have been her sister’s voice…it may have been the wind whispering…Penina wasn’t sure.  “I never want to see you again…”

                Sand kicked up under her feet as Masina ran to the nearest canoe and pushed it into the water before jumping on board and dipping an oar into the waves.  Penina’s throat clenched so hard it hurt and tears rolled down her cheeks.  “Masina…” 

*

** Present Day **

                “It was the last time I saw my sister,” Penina said softly.

                Jasper had to craft her response carefully.  On one hand, she felt for her mother…to go through such an assault was horrible, as was getting pregnant from it.  She understood her mother’s sense of shame and panic.  _Well, I guess we have more in common than I thought_ , she bitterly admitted to herself.  Jasper looked at her hand…the mottled skin in alternating white and tan…she understood her aunt’s pain too.  To live in a part of the world…in a time when no one understood what was happening.  They had thought she was cursed.  “So, do you know where she went?” 

                Her mother shook her head.  “She headed East.  I got a letter from my mother about two years later saying that Masina was living on Apolima and that she was married with a child – a boy, I think, I can’t remember clearly.” 

                “Apolima?” 

                “It’s a small island in the strait between Upolu and Savai’i.  There’s one village there of maybe eighty people.  I never talked to her again, but my mother wrote letters, so I know she had four or five children.  Of course, my mother died when you weren’t even three years old, so after that…” 

                “She may not even be there anymore.” 

                “I don’t think she would leave Samoa and she likely wouldn’t leave Apolima once she was established there, but I can’t be sure.” 

                “She was going to leave with Dad…”  And Jasper was hit with another realization.  “Did you and Dad even love each other?” 

                “Of course we did!  He came back and we got married – I told him I’d go with him anywhere.  It started as a friendship, but eventually we did grow to love each other.  Your father was an incredibly good man.”

                More than she knew apparently.  “And the baby?” 

                “I lost it…about a week after we were married.  It could have been the stress…I don’t know.  I was so certain he would leave me, but he didn’t.”  She rested her head in her hands.  “No matter how hurt I was, I should have never done that to my sister.  She deserved to be happy and I took that from her.” 

                Perhaps their love, in time, had been true, but her parents’ whole story, what she thought she knew – it had all been a lie.  “I need to find her…I need to tell her that nothing was her fault.” 

                “I’d give anything to apologize, even if she wouldn’t see me…to try…but I can’t promise that will happen.” 

                “It has to – when we go to Samoa, we have to go to Apolima and see her.” 

                “And if she won’t talk to us?  If she won’t even acknowledge our presence?” 

                “We have to _try_ , Mom.  She deserves to know what her condition is and if she’s feeling any guilt, that needs to be put to rest.” 

                Penina sighed and nodded.  “There’s one other thing we need to consider…it’s been fifty years and she would be seventy-four years old…” 

                “Well, yeah, but…”

                “…if she’s still alive.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was intense! Next chapter we'll catch up with Jasper and Amethyst and then we'll see Jasper and her mother go to Samoa to find out if Masina is still alive and how that story plays out with the extended family. 
> 
> Note here - I took a little creative license with the banishing process. While it IS a real thing on Samoa, generally it would only be a counsel of the chiefs (Matai) who decide whether someone should be banished or not - the accused would not be there, neither would the entire village, but in order for Penina to really betray her sister, I fudged this just slightly to make it an entire village affair.


	27. Hallelujah

** Chapter 26 – Hallelujah **

                Jasper told Amethyst later about her mother’s story one afternoon right before Labor Day as they made a list of school and lunch supplies needed for the girls…and Jasper.  “Okay, but are you sure Mom would want me to know about this…I mean, some of it is rather personal.” 

                “Ames, she’s going to forget she ever told me.  She may already have.” 

                “Wow…to think we could have had another brother or sister.  Our aunt could have been our mom.” 

                “Um, if dad had married Aunt Masina then we wouldn’t be here,” Jasper said bluntly. 

                “Right.” 

                Jasper watched Amethyst rub her belly.  “Any plans for the wedding?” 

                “Something small – likely the last week of September, but we have to finalize with the priest.  Tani’s mom is ‘horrified’ that we’re not inviting the entire community, but we’re not prepared for a huge ceremony and reception.  I’m not even sure I’m wearing white.”

                “That’s not a requirement.  I didn’t.”

                “We’ve decided one witness each.  Tani’s brother is going to be his best man.  Would you be my maid of honor?” 

                “Me?  What about Peridot?” 

                “She’s underway again until like March.  Besides, she’d probably give me a hard time about wearing a dress.  She didn’t wear one at her own wedding.  I’m thinking purple – nothing too fancy – like something you could wear again.”

                “Yeah, every bride says that.  Lacy did and I donated the bridesmaid’s dress I wore at her wedding like a month after the ceremony.”  Of course, it had been pink and Jasper didn’t do pink.

                “Hey Jasps, we’re not going to end up like mom and her sister, are we?” 

                “I don’t know – you plan on trying to banish me from the community?”  Jasper asked playfully. 

                “It’s just…when I was little we didn’t really get along, like we didn’t talk a lot and now we do and I’ve gotten used to it, you know.” 

                “Yeah, Ames, when you were five and I was thirteen we had _so_ much in common.”  Jasper laughed.  “We’re adults – we’re on the same level now and, yeah, we’ll always be close.” 

                “We should do something crazy!”  Amethyst proposed.  “Like to cement our sisterhood!”

                “What exactly do you have in mind?” 

                “Like a wild and crazy bachelorette party-slash-trip where we get shmammered and just live it up like the good old days.” 

                “We have literally never done that and you are pregnant, which means I’d be the one drinking and regretting my life choices in the morning.”

                “We could get matching tattoos.”  Amethyst’s eyes sparkled.  “I’ve been wanting a new one.  Maybe I’ll cover up the one on my ass…” 

                “I thought we don’t talk about that one.”

                “We do not, although Tani found it rather intriguing...” 

                “And my ass is already tattooed as fuck.  Plus, how are we going to pay for it?” 

                Amethyst slowly turned her head in the direction of the ‘sentence enhancement’ jar, which was now stuffed with bills and coins.  “There’s gotta be like three hundred dollars in there.” 

                “Okay, if we’re going to do this, it has to be something traditional – that’s the motif I have going on my body.” 

                “But I want something feminine and pretty.” 

                “I’m sure Uncle Sua or Adam can do both.”  Jasper looked at the design covering her left shoulder and arm.  She supposed she could get a matching design with a flower or something in it instead of the army insignia.  It would signify the feminine side of herself she had denied for so long and maybe bring a sense of completion into her life. 

*

                “How was your first day of school?”  Jasper asked as she and Allie sat down for dinner. 

                “I have homework.  Homework!  On the first day!” 

                Jasper nodded and passed the bowl of salad to her daughter.  “That’s the way of it.  I have homework too.” 

                “I think I’m going to like Spanish class.  We got to pick Spanish names and I wanted to be Alejandra because it’s really close to my name, but then Skylar chose that one and I had to be Francisca.” 

                She chuckled.  “I think my name was Pepita and Lacy was Lucia.” 

                “But I have two classes with Skylar and Connie and three with Peedee.  None with Steven, but he’s in ninth grade, so, you know.” 

                “Okay, who is Peedee and why does that sound like a boy’s name?”  And who would name their kid ‘Peedee’?

                “He’s my friend.  His dad owns that fry shop in the mall so he always smells like French fries.  We both like superheroes and we’re already all talking about Halloween costumes.”

                “That’s two months away.” 

                “Yeah, but I’m thinking Wonder Woman.  They’re doing a costume dance at school.” 

                “We’ll see how you feel in October.”  Kids had a way of changing their minds every five minutes it seemed.  She recalled what Wonder Woman wore and realized adjustments would have to be made to make it appropriate for a school dance.   

                “How was your first day?  Was it weird going back after so long?”  Allie took a sip of her water, looking at her mother expectantly. 

                “Eh, a little bit, but there are people of all ages on campus, so I didn’t feel too out of place.  I suppose after dinner we can do our homework together.” 

                “Yeah…I guess we should do that.” 

                “You guess?”  Jasper raised an eyebrow.  “You’re doing your homework.” 

                Whereas secondary school may have eased Allie into her education, college threw Jasper full force into her scholastic pursuits.  She was thankful that she didn’t need a lot of math to get a degree, but multiple science classes would be involved over the years such as microbiology and anatomy.  She was dreading taking college level chemistry, but that would not be this year.  And while she was accepted on campus as just another student, an older one, but a student nonetheless, Allie was having some trouble adjusting to the new world of seventh grade.  “This one boy – Trevor – keeps calling me ‘ba-donk-a-donk’.  I told him to stop, but he keeps doing it.” 

                “If he won’t stop, go to your teacher and if they won’t do anything, go to the principal.” 

                “My teacher said to just ignore him, but I want to punch him in the face.” 

                “I understand your frustration, but you don’t punch people because of something they say to you.  I think you learned that lesson when you were suspended in first grade.”  Both Jasper and Bismuth had long told Allie that if she was called into the office she’d better be getting an award, so not only had she been suspended from school, but it was the first and only time Jasper had ever taken a belt to her rear.

                “Is my butt too big, you think?”  Allie asked. 

                “No – you are meant to have curves.  I have a booty, so does Amethyst, so does your grandma – both your grandmas – and if Bismuth were a woman, he’d have had a booty too.” 

                “Then when will I get boobs to balance out my butt?!” 

                “It’ll happen when it’s meant to happen.”  Jasper shook her head.  “Don’t be in such a hurry to grow up.  Trust me, enjoy these years – be a kid.” 

                “Maybe I should go on a diet.” 

                Oh boy, here it was.  _Are we really on the body-positivity talk already_ , Jasper thought.  “You’re not fat, Allie, you’re getting curves – and, like Amethyst, you’re probably getting them before all the other girls.” 

                “What about you?” 

                “I grew almost a foot in the span of about two years.  I was gangly in junior high and didn’t get my curves until I was about fifteen.  My point is everybody is different and you are just fine right now.  You’re healthy and beautiful and you don’t need to worry about looking like everyone else and you don’t need to try and diet because some loser made fun of your butt.”

                “Skylar was saying that she’s on a diet because she’s going to be a model.” 

                Jasper laughed loudly.  “Lacy isn’t going to let her do any such thing.  Her mom hated modeling with a passion.” 

                “Wait…she was a model?  But…her face…” 

                “Excuse me, young lady, but Lacy was on the wrong end of a bomb defending this country.  She used to be exceptionally beautiful and she still is – inside – which, by the way, is what counts.  So, knock it off.”

*

                It was the second week of school when Jasper’s phone started vibrating excessively in the middle of class.  At first she ignored it, but when it continued and the students around her looked over, she peeked at it noticing it was from her daughter’s school.  _Oh, she better be puking her guts out_ …she thought as she quietly slipped away from class and answered the phone.  Irritation rose in her, blossoming into anger as the office assistant told her Allie had punched someone.  Her best guess was that her daughter had finally lost her cool with Trevor.  “I’ll be right there.” 

                Her mind took her back as she drove toward the school to the other time she’d had to do this.  Bismuth had been deployed and Jasper had been called off base to deal with her daughter’s antics.  She’d arrived at the school in full camouflage and the other child’s mother had simply looked her up and down with judgmental eyes, stating: “Well, this certainly explains a lot.” 

                “This explains motherfucking what?”  Jasper had asked. 

                “Mrs. Cordero…” the principal had said. 

                Jasper had been quick to correct her.  “Sergeant.”

                “Sergeant Cordero, language.” 

                “My apologies.  This explains motherfucking what, _ma’am_?” 

                Jasper had tried, later on, to explain to Allie that no matter what someone said, violence was not the answer, to which Allie had replied: “Don’t you get paid to fight people?” 

                “That is completely different and you know it,” Jasper had told her.  She had been at her wit’s end that day with Allie’s attitude, but if she thought her daughter was done sassing her, oh, she’d been wrong. 

                “I don’t see the difference.” 

                “You’ll see the difference in your backside when I…”

                “What?  Threaten me with Dad’s belt?  Dad isn’t here!” 

                And if Jasper hadn’t been in such a testy mood already, maybe she’d have realized that something deeper was bothering Allie than some jerk of a kid twitting her about her vitiligo.  Jasper had simply looked down at her uniform and started unbuckling.  “Your father ain’t the only one with a belt in this family.” 

                As she walked into the school that day, she looked down at her plain jeans, unadorned with any belt and frowned.  No doubt Allie would be in a whole heap of trouble when they got home.  Jasper marched into the office and found her daughter sitting in a chair opposite the principal’s desk.  A boy was in the other chair with his mother standing next to him.  “Alexandrite, you better have a damn good reason for what you did!”

                “He kept hitting my butt!” Allie protested.  “He called it a ‘big ass ba-donk-a-donk’ and then kept smacking me!” 

                And Jasper’s anger toward Allie shifted, replaced with pity and understanding for her daughter’s situation as her eyes flickered toward the other kid.  “Really?”

                “I didn’t hit her _that_ hard,” the boy said. 

                “I kept telling him to stop and he wouldn’t – like five times!”  Tears shone in Allie’s eyes.  “Maybe I shouldn’t have hit him, but...” 

                “Regardless, we don’t punch people,” the principal told her.  “I’m suspending Alexandrite for three days.”

                Jasper raised her eyebrow.  “And…” 

                “What?” 

                “Surely, smacking a young girl’s butt isn’t okay either.  What’s his punishment?  He touched my daughter inappropriately after she told him not to.  In light of those circumstances, and being a survivor of sexual assault myself, I understand her reaction.” 

                “It was hardly inappropriate.”  The principal shook his head.  “Although, I could see giving him detention for a few days.  And I don’t really think we need to bring words like ‘sexual assault’ into the conversation.” 

                “Detention?”  Disbelief filled her mind.  “He smacked her ass repeatedly.  She told him not to – repeatedly – and he kept doing it.  What would you call that – ‘boys will be boys’?  Because I have a friend who’s a lawyer and I can get him on the phone and he can clarify the definition of sexual assault for you.” 

                “Mrs. Cordero, we don’t need lawyers involved,” the principal chuckled nervously. 

                “And I’d prefer not to go that route and I won’t so long as his punishment fits the crime.  If no one has told him ‘no means no’ then this is the perfect opportunity for him to find out the hard way.  Though that’s a lesson best taught at home.”  Her eyes narrowed in the direction of the boy’s mother.

                The principal shook his head.  “I suppose I could see giving him a one day suspension in lieu of detention.”

                “And Allie can go back to class?” 

                “Of course not.  Fighting is an automatic three day suspension.” 

                “Even in self defense?” 

                “No.  She still punched him regardless of the reason.” 

                “Understood.  I’ll take her home then.  Let’s go, Allie.”  Jasper stalked out of the office, her daughter following behind her. 

                It wasn’t until they were in the car that Allie timidly asked:  “Am I grounded?” 

                “Are you kidding?  I’m proud you stood up for yourself, Allie – that took guts.  Grounded – shit, no.  I’m baking you a goddamn cake.” 

                “Mom, I love you, but one of your cakes could be considered punishment.”

                “I’m _buying_ you a goddamn cake.”

                Allie wiped tears away.  “I didn’t mean to get suspended.  He just wouldn’t stop.” 

                “I know, Allie.  I know what it’s like to want someone to stop doing something to you they have no business doing.” 

                “You said…it happened to you…” 

                Jasper felt her face flush.  She really hadn’t meant for that to fly out of her mouth and wasn’t sure it was something her twelve-year-old needed to know about her.  “Yeah.” 

                “Someone smacked your butt too?” 

                Her innocence gave Jasper sense of relief.  “Well…yes.”  She thought of Tani and that day at the gym when he kept doing it every time he’d passed her on the track.  God, to be reduced to an object like that just burned…and for some punk kid to see her daughter – her _young_ daughter – in a sexual way made her sick.  It didn’t matter that they were the same age.  Allie was just a kid; she deserved to remain a kid just a little longer…but the world was not allowing it. 

                She vented some of her frustration washing the dishes leftover from breakfast and cleaning, but she needed to _really_ vent – to someone…and not just anyone.  She needed someone who understood.  Jasper let Allie know she was going out for a bit.  “Hey, do your homework.” 

                “Are you getting cake?” 

                “Maybe.  Chocolate?” 

                “Yes.” 

                Jasper drove the ten minutes to Lacy’s house and knocked on the door until she answered.  “Hey Jasper, what’s…” 

                She walked in and started ranting.  “I’m tired of it!  I’m tired of men thinking they can just treat us like objects and ogle us and touch us!  I’m sick of having to worry for myself and my daughter and every woman I know and care about because somewhere along the line, some jerk can’t get it through their head that no means no!”  It was then she heard a slight cough and realized there were about five or six women sitting in Lacy’s living room now staring at her having heard everything.  “Goddamn it!” 

                “I’ll be right back,” her friend sweetly said to the others.  Lacy grabbed Jasper’s arm and lead her to the beautifully decorated kitchen with sleek stainless steel appliances and potholders and towels that matched the tablecloth.  Light refreshments and wine were set on the table. 

                “God, I am so sorry.” 

                “That’s fine – I know you.  Now, whatever is going on, we will deal with it, I promise.  I have about fifteen minutes of book club left, so sit here, calm down and have some wine…”

                Jasper’s face burned with embarrassment.  “I…Jesus…fuck…”

                “Got that out of your system?  Good,” she said when Jasper nodded.  Lacy poured her a glass of white wine.  “This goes really well with the brie and grapes.  Fifteen minutes.”

                She plopped down in a chair and heaved a sigh before sipping the wine.  Which cheese was the brie?  Oh, right, the soft, creamy looking one.  She spread some on a cracker and chewed slowly, taking in how pristine the kitchen looked and how everything matched.  God, she was still jealous of Lacy…that hadn’t changed.  Beautiful house, beautiful kids, beautiful…was that a goddamn real Kitchen Aid mixer?  _Those things cost like four hundred dollars,_ she thought, but then remembered her fifteen dollar mixer from a Walmart sale she’d never used.  There was a bowl of fresh fruit in the middle of the table and Jasper was in awe of it and how different it was from the fake fruit at her parents’ place until she saw a hand reach out for a pear, breaking her out of her trance. 

                Skylar stood there wearing a purple romper that challenged the finger-tip length policy of the school.   She dropped her backpack on the floor with a thud.  “You’re Allie’s mom.”

                “Yep, that’s me.”  It had been a while since she’d seen Lacy’s daughter.  Skylar was maybe the same height as Allie and already had a figure, flawless olive skin, perfect white teeth and sparkling hazel eyes.  There was really no reason the girl _couldn’t_ be a model…except that her mother would never let her.

                “I heard she punched Trevor Branson like five times and kicked him where it counts.  They had to surgically retrieve his left nut.”

                “That’s…not exactly true.” 

                She took a bite of her pear and talked with her mouth full.  “No one likes Trevor.  He’s a dick.”

                “Yeah, I’m not really a fan myself after today.”

                “I’m having a pool party for my thirteenth birthday.  Allie can come if she wants.  Everyone thinks she’s cool after today.”  Skylar flipped some of her dark, shiny hair over her shoulder.

                Well, her daughter would be glad to hear her social standing had improved.  “Thank you.  I’ll let her know.”  Wait, holy shit, they had a pool?!  Jasper looked out the window to the backyard where, indeed, a pool of blue water sparkled in the sun.  “You guys have a hot tub too?” 

                “Yeah, but I don’t use it because I’m pretty sure my parents have, you know…done _it_ in there.” 

                Wow, she certainly was an honest kid.  “Good to know.” 

                Without another word, Skylar left the kitchen.  Jasper had just drained her glass of wine when Lacy said goodbye to the last of the women in her book club and sat down at the table with a groan.  “Thank God they’re gone.  What a bunch of bitches.” 

                “Then why do you host a book club for them?” 

                “I like reading and it strengthens my relationship with members of the PTA.”  She sighed.  “They’re the parents of some of the more…financially fortunate students.”   

                “You mean rich snobs.”  Jasper took note of the familiar gray cover on which was a tie most people would recognize instantly.  “Really?  That book?” 

                “It was a real page turner.  Have you read it?” 

                She laughed.  “Yeah, right.” 

                “You should give it a try.”  Lacy pushed the book toward her.  “Anyway, what is going on?” 

                Jasper explained the whole situation with Allie and Trevor and then told Lacy what her mother had divulged to her.  “And it isn’t fair – it isn’t right.  My mom shouldn’t have to have been so afraid of being shamed by her village that she never told anyone…that she betrayed her sister.  Allie shouldn’t have to be harassed and touched at school when she’s trying to get an education.  There is no reason for me to have been so afraid that I’d be discharged from the military if I’d said anything.  It is not okay that this keeps happening…generation after generation…so many women I know have been through it and I’m tired of hearing these stories from my friends and my family and they blame themselves.  It’s not their fault, but somewhere along the line society told them it was.  And at some point, the lesson about consent was not drilled into the people who hurt them – in some cases, people who abused their power over those they should have been caring for.” 

                Lacy took a breath and nodded.  “I understand.” 

                “I didn’t mean to make you think of that, I just…” 

                She shrugged, hands up.  “It’s in the past.  I put it behind me a long time ago.  I get it though – it’s not an easy memory and my stepdad should have been caring for me instead of messing with me.  And why didn’t I tell anyone…because Mom said it would ‘ruin his life’. _His_ life?  What about mine?  You know, if Skylar ever came to me and told me her dad touched her, I’d punch Carlos in the dick, cut it off and kill him.” 

                “That’s why you don’t want her modeling, huh?” 

                “You know, I blamed the modeling for many years, but then I realized that was a roundabout way of blaming myself.  I basically told myself he went after me because of my looks.  No, he did it because he was a sick fuck, just like all the other sick fucks who won’t take no for an answer.”  Lacy sighed and looked at her daughter’s backpack still on the floor.  “Of course I worry about something happening to Skylar.  I think that’s natural, but I don’t want her modeling because I want her to be a kid.  I was busy every weekend.  I missed school and parties and movie nights for shoots and shows and I was dolled up to look like I was in my twenties when I was sixteen and seventeen years old.  Now, mind you, I was never molested by anyone in the industry, but I certainly had a few creepy, heavy-breathing photographers putting me in poses that were not appropriate for a teenager.  I couldn’t _eat_ what I wanted.  Skylar is half-Latina; she is never going to be a stick like they want and don’t want her obsessing about her weight.  I want her to have a normal teenage experience – certainly not what I had.”

                “I was always so jealous of you, but I guess it’s not as glamorous a life as it looks.” 

                “No, it’s not.  You want to know the truth: I envied you.  You got to do all the things I didn’t and when you went home at night your mom couldn’t wait to feed you a good meal instead of portioning out pre-approved amounts from the ‘allowable’ foods.  Your dad was waiting to give you a hug and a kiss on the cheek...”  Lacy wiped moisture from her eyes.  “I knew you didn’t have a lot of money, but I would have given up that whole life to have a family like yours…to feel safe in my own bed.” 

                “Wow.” 

                “Yeah.  So…what do you want to do about this?” 

                “Me?  Do?” 

                “Yeah, complaining only gets us so far.  Let’s put these words into action.  We want to see less of this kind of behavior, where do we start?” 

                Jasper sat back in her chair.  “Well…okay.  So, we tell kids when they’re little that no one should touch them.  Then we teach them about sex and they still think somewhere in their minds that if someone does something to them it’s going to be a stranger hiding in the bushes, certainly not one of their peers…or someone in their family…but let’s focus on peers.” 

                “Exactly, right now we need to send a message to the boys – at this age – about the importance of consent.” 

                “Not just boys.  I have a friend who was in a lesbian relationship who said her ex assaulted her.  This message is for everyone.  I have also heard stories from boys and men who have gone through it.  Girls can be perpetrators as easily as boys can be victims.” 

                “That’s good – great thinking.”  Lacy grabbed a pad of paper and a pen.  

                “We should start small, going maybe classroom to classroom…”

                “No, bigger is better – an assembly for the whole school.  I’m on the PTA – I can make it happen.”  Lacy wrote down a few notes.  “What’s your schedule like?” 

                “Wait…what…me?” 

                “Yes – you.  Us.  Who did you think was going to speak?” 

                “I’ve barely told anyone what happened to me and you want me to go in front of an audience and explain why I’m there?” 

                “Jasper, what if we went through those experiences to make us strong enough to speak about them and try to ensure that we keep it from happening again?  You said you were tired of it happening generation after generation and I’m not delusional.  Of course – somewhere – it’s going to happen again – we are not going to change the world.  But maybe we can start educating some of the members of our children’s generation to be better.  Even if we prevent one rape – just one – wouldn’t that be worth it?”

                “I may need a strong ass drink before I go up there…” 

                Lacy laughed and poured a glass of wine for Jasper.  “I’ll be right there with you.” 

                “I shouldn’t.  I have to drive…and I promised Allie I’d pick up a cake for her…”

                “If we make one then you’ll sober up before you have to drive.” 

                “Do I get to use the fancy mixer?”  When her best friend slowly nodded, Jasper downed the glass and plunked it back on the table, confident in both her baking and public speaking skills.  Confident that no matter what they did, they were doing it together.  “Let’s do this.” 

*

                “I can’t believe the wedding is a week away,” Amethyst commented as she and Jasper sat down to lunch at an Italian restaurant near the salon where both of them had their hair touched up. 

                “Getting excited about being Mrs. Tani?” 

                Amethyst shrugged.  “Nervous.  I never really imagined myself getting married and this is really, really sudden.  Plus, his mom guilted us into inviting several members of the community, so we have more guests than we originally wanted.” 

                Jasper folded her menu.  “You know, you don’t _have_ to get married to Tani.  There are plenty of parents who aren’t together – like you and Tubaz.” 

                She let out a louder laugh than she probably intended, then covered her mouth when she snorted.  “I can’t imagine being Tubaz’s wife.  Of course, he would have never gone for it unless I agreed to convert and I’d never cover up this gorgeous hair.”  Amethyst moved her head from side to side, showing off her caramel hair with lavender highlights.  She’d explained earlier that she wanted something more natural for the wedding, but would likely go back to purple soon after.  “Besides, he and Nadima are really in love.  I hope that’s what Tani and I might have someday.” 

                “Again, you don’t _have_ to get married.  Look, I know that you’re a bit more religious than I am…not hard to be…and Tani’s mom and our mom are both _very_ Catholic, but you don’t need to do this just because you’re having a baby.”  

                “You and Bismuth got married because you were pregnant.” 

                “Bismuth and I were engaged beforehand and moving up the wedding had nothing to do with having a baby.  We loved each other and wanted to be together and we didn’t want a large ceremony that took a year of planning and gobs of money.”

                “I know it’s crazy because we haven’t been exactly dating long at all, but I do love him.  We have this connection I can’t explain – like Tani understands me and loves me exactly as I am.  I mean, I let out a huge belch around him and he turns it into a contest.” 

                “And to think I rejected him…”  Jasper rolled her eyes.  “Just make sure the priest takes ‘obey’ out of your vows – if Tani doesn’t have to say it, neither do you.  I vetoed that word immediately.”

                “How is it going with Greg?  Any chance of you becoming Mrs. Universe?” 

                “Okay, first of all, I’m not taking that last name – ever.  Second, we’re not even close to that.” 

                “Really?” 

                “No.”  She dropped her voice.  “We haven’t even had sex yet.” 

                “I…was talking about the name thing, but…really?  I thought you guys already…you know, in his van.”

                “That was years ago and that was a one night fling.”  Jasper thanked the waiter for bringing breadsticks and paused the conversation while they ordered, only picking up the subject again when the waiter was out of earshot.  “This time it’s different – I guess I’m different.  When he saw me before I was young and fit and now I have wrinkles and loose skin and scars…and lots of tattoos.”  She glanced at her right arm that she’d had done last night with Amethyst.  Uncle Sua had replicated the design he’d done on her left side, but instead of the Army insignia had placed two hibiscus flowers just like the ones her sister now had on her shoulder.  She remembered comparing them in the mirror last night then focusing on the bare spot between her shoulder blades.  The soldier on the left and the woman on the right, the ink reaching for each other, but not connected…not complete…not yet. 

                “Well, yeah, but his body’s changed, too.  And not to be rude, but you’re definitely coming out ahead on the aging game.”

                Jasper couldn’t deny that, but there was still something about Greg she found charming.  It was probably the way he looked at her with adoration that made his eyes gorgeous and his smile that calmed any nerves in her stomach, putting her at ease.  She loved the feel of his fingers intertwined with hers, the sensation of his hand on her lower back, never daring to slide anywhere beyond that.  “I like that we’re taking it slow…the way he respects me makes me think about when Bismuth and I were dating.  Not that I would be opposed to sleeping with him, mind you, but I’m also fine just spending time together not even thinking about sex.”

                “The hormones this pregnancy have made me super horny.  Tani and I fuck like rabbits.” 

                “Thanks for that.  I’ll file it away under ‘things I didn’t need to know – ever’.”  Jasper broke open a breadstick inhaling the garlic scent as steam rose from it.  “Speaking of, Lacy gave me a copy of _Fifty Shades of Grey_ – have you read it?” 

                “I have.  I prefer the _Sleeping Beauty_ series by Anne Rice, but…you have to tread carefully there.  _Fifty Shades_ is decent, especially if you’re only reading it for the sex.  I’d save it for Samoa though because you may not have internet access there to download anything to your tablet.”

                “Most public places and some private homes do have internet now.”  Jasper pulled out her phone and opened her e-mail.  “I got a message from someone named Rangi who is related to us…” 

                “How?” 

                “He says here his father’s father and our mother’s father were brothers, so I think that makes us second cousins?” 

                Amethyst shrugged.  “Sure, let’s go with that.”

                “Anyway, I guess we’re staying with Rangi’s family while we’re there.  He lives in Mom’s old village and I wrote to him about Aunt Masina, but I haven’t gotten a response yet.” 

                “And I’ll take good care of Allie for you.” 

                Jasper smiled.  “I know.”  She noticed Amethyst’s hand go to her stomach and travel around. “Kicking?” 

                “Yeah.  It’s weird – like popcorn going off in there.  I like this stage, not when they’re the size of a cantaloupe and their foot gets stuck in your rib.” 

                “I swear Allie liked to headbutt my bladder.  I’d be in a meeting with my command or something just inwardly cursing her out, like ‘stop it’.  They’d ask me if I was okay – ‘oh yeah, I’m fine’.  Then she’d jab me in the side like really hard with her elbow…or fist or something.” 

                “I keep telling myself it’s worth it, but then Crystal will have a moment where I just want to give her to her dad and be like ‘take her – now’.  Mom actually spanked her the other day – thankfully with her hand and not with a wooden spoon like we used to get, but I had to explain that I don’t discipline that way.  Mom says: ‘you kids don’t know discipline – my mother _sasa’d_ me with a coconut once’.” 

                Jasper roared with laughter.  “What the fuck?  Okay, well if Aunt Masina is alive, I’m getting the story behind that.”

                “I wouldn’t put it past Mom to exaggerate.  Although, I have to say that it seemed to shock Crystal into behaving, but I know how I felt about it as a kid.” 

                “You’re not supposed to like it as a kid.  When you’re a kid it’s punishment; when you’re an adult it’s fun.”

                “Yeah, you’re gonna like Fifty Shades of Greg…” Amethyst snickered when Jasper shot her a look.  “I mean Grey…” 

                Nonetheless, she found herself chuckling and wondering what she’d do without her sister in her life. 

*

                “It’s kind of relaxing to have an evening just the two of us,” Greg said as he sat on the couch with Jasper.

                “It’s three in the afternoon and the kids are at a pool party like ten minutes away.” Jasper chuckled.  She looked at the cheese tray on the coffee table – soft cheese complimented with dried fruit and salted almonds.  A bottle of white wine waited to be poured into the two glasses next to it.  “So what are we watching?” 

                “I thought we might try a musical…now before you give me that look, give it a chance – it has that Hugh Jackson in it – you know, Wolverine.” 

                “It’s Jackman and if it’s Les Miser-bobble-blaze you can count me out.  That just sounds depressing and musicals aren’t really my thing.”

                “Hmm…”  Greg looked through the shelf of DVDs.  “From the few we’ve seen in theaters you seem really into action-packed flicks.  Have you seen the latest Avengers?” 

                “No, actually – I was going through some…things…”  It had come out right around the time she’d been sleeping around and then went into the hospital.  Truthfully, she’d held off sleeping with Greg until she’d gotten some test results back, but now it had been long enough with a clean bill of health that if anything happened, she felt confident they were both safe.  And if nothing else happened besides her watching Thor parade around the screen like the impeccable specimen of masculinity he was, well, that was fine, too. 

                Greg smiled as he sat next to her and poured wine for both of them.  “This one was pretty funny, too.” 

                Jasper accepted a glass and clinked it with his before taking a sip.  “That’s good.  Moscato?” 

                “I remember you mentioned once on Facebook that you liked it.” 

                “So, you’re Facebook stalking me?”  She winked and took another drink, the sweet, fruity taste tickling her palate.  “I used to hate wine.  At my first communion, my mom told me not to make a face when I took the wine, but what seven-year-old likes wine?  So, in one photo there I am in my white dress, my face contorted in disgust after taking a sip.”

                “When I was growing up our church used grape juice.” 

                “I think a lot of them do.  Allie said her church does – and saltine crackers for the bread.  She’s getting baptized tomorrow.”

                “Didn’t you do that when she was a baby?” 

                “Well, yes, but it wasn’t her decision.  Bismuth and I agreed when she was older she could choose her faith.  Right now, she’s convinced she wants to be Baptist, so I’m fine with that – though I wonder at twelve if she really knows what she wants.” 

                “Probably not, but if it makes her happy right now and it’s not harming anyone, then I say let her be happy.” 

                “Is is wrong that I’d like to have the faith she does?”  Jasper grabbed the remote and paused the movie.  “I mean, I’ve been through some horrible things…I’ve _done_ horrible things in the line of duty.  I don’t expect that I’ll ever be super religious, but I’d at least like to make peace with God, you know.  I want to stop feeling guilty over the things I’ve done and let go of the things I couldn’t control that happened.  And believe me, I’ve done well with a lot of it, but it would just be so freeing to let go of all the things I haven’t yet – and give them to God and trust that He’ll help.  I feel like I’ve gone so far from Him that why would He care?” 

                “Oh, boy…well, I’m no expert on all that by any means, but _I_ see beyond your past – beyond anything you might have done or been through.  Jasper, I see you and I love what I see.” 

                “What?” 

                “I love you, Jasper – every bit of you.” 

                This was sudden and unexpected and she knew she should be nervous, but his hand on hers put her at ease.  She could imagine this…being with him for years to come and in her heart she knew how she felt.  “I love you too.” 

                He leaned in and softly kissed her.  His hand caressed her shoulder, causing her to pull away in pain.  “Are…you okay?” 

                “Ow…fine.  I just got a tattoo there.” 

                “Really?” 

                Jasper carefully removed her burgundy three-quarter sleeve shirt revealing both her old ink and the new that left her skin raw and still raised.

                Greg’s eyes were filled with curiosity as they followed every line that wrapped around her shoulders and upper chest, down to her elbows.  “Wow…”

                She recalled the way Bismuth had expressed his dislike of tattoos on women and that being part of the reason she never got more ink.  Now, however, she liked the way she looked and knew whoever she was with would need to accept her exactly as she was.  “Are my tattoos a problem?  Because if they are, I…” 

                “What, no.  They make you look confident…and beautiful.”  He ran his fingers lightly along the curved edges of her _pe’a_ , stopping at the waistband of her jeans.  He pulled away when she wiggled.  “Sorry if I’m making you uncomfortable.” 

                “No, just a little…ticklish?” 

                “Really?”  Greg raised his eyebrows and reached both hands out. 

                “Don’t even think of it.”  Jasper pulled her shirt back on.  “I can take you.”

                Greg laughed nervously.  “This is a little awkward…I was going to ask you if maybe we’ve known each other long enough to take things to a more physical level?” 

                “Oh…you mean sex.” 

                “Yes, I mean I know we did it before, but I also know you’ve had things happen since then…before then even…that I just want to make sure we both want the same thing at the same time.” 

                Jasper sat back against the couch.  “I’m more than my past experiences, Greg.  Yes, I’ve dealt with a lot of sexual assault in my life, but I’ve also had consensual sex and even made love and all that was wonderful.  I guess it’s good we’re talking about it though before we actually do it.  Most guys just want to hop into bed.” 

                “Or the back of their van.”  Greg winked at her.

                She laughed.  “Yeah, I’m not revisiting the back of the van.” 

                “Well, I’m not most guys.” 

                “I remember you said that the night we met and I would love to rekindle that fire we had that night, but not today.  I just have a lot going on right now and…” 

                “It’s okay.”  Greg squeezed her hand.  “You don’t owe me an explanation.  I will wait until you’re ready.” 

                What had she done to deserve such an understanding guy?  There was a part of her – mostly Jameela in the background chanting ‘ _Do it!  Do it!  Do it!_ ’ – but a larger part really just enjoyed his company and knew that if she did give herself to him it had to be when she was confident in who she was.  “I’ll tell you one thing, Greg.  Good things are worth waiting for.” 

*

                Jasper sat next to Garnet, watching as Allie professed her faith and had the pastor baptized her.  She was glad the church seemed much calmer than the one her in-laws insisted they go to when they visited with people dancing in the aisles.  However, there was still lively singing and a passionate sermon that had preceded the baptism.  She smiled at the sight of Allie coming out of the water in her white robe, soaking wet with a huge smile on her face as the congregation rejoiced at seeing another soul saved.  Jasper clapped, but wondered what ‘saved’ really meant?  Allie was a child – not perfect – but she doubted if her daughter would be condemned, baptized or not. 

                Her own sins – her insecurities – and doubts – weighed on her.  Jasper glanced over at Garnet who seemed at home and comfortable here among her fellow worshippers.  Her friend hardly ever talked about church or God, but it was clearly an important part of her life.  She recalled those lonely days in her room in the prison – how close she’d come to the Almighty when she’d really needed Him and how quickly she’d been to curse Him after she’d lost her babies.  She didn’t understand – still to this day – how He could create life in her and then allow it to be destroyed.  How could He take Michael from her before he ever got a chance to really live? 

                But then, she’d been blessed with Allie – she and Bismuth – both given a blessing who was now pledging her life and faith to the very god Jasper had grown so far from.  

                “Now, this may be a less traditional song,” the pastor explained.  “But something told me that it was the right one for this Sunday – for this baptism service – because at its core it has the highest praise we can raise to God today when four souls have been brought to Him.  Let’s stand and worship together.”

                Jasper rose to her feet as familiar music started but it wasn’t until the lyrics started that she recognized the song that she was certain she had on her computer somewhere.

_Well I've heard there was a secret chord  
That David played and it pleased the Lord_

                Was this even really a religious song?  She could have sworn it was about the hardships of love.  But then…could it be speaking to her about her difficulty in loving the Lord…of accepting His love for her…did He even still love her?  Or was it too late for her? 

                She looked up at one of the women returning from the dressing area in her Sunday best…her lined face and gray hair…who had just come before the Almighty and had her sins forgiven…who was accepted once again. 

 _Well your faith was strong but you needed proof_  
He saw you bathing on the roof  
Your beauty and the moonlight overthrew him

                Okay…she was pretty sure those weren’t the lyrics, but couldn’t tell if the choir was singing them that way or her mind was interpreting them wrong, twisting them to reflect her experiences…the very ones that had brought her to Him in the first place.

 _He tied you to a kitchen chair_  
And he broke your throne and he cut your hair  
And from your lips he drew the Hallelujah

                _Seriously…what the fuck?  Is this some message You need me to hear…to be reminded of that when I already let it the fuck go?_   She looked around at her surroundings.  _Sorry for saying ‘fuck’ in church…and for again just now…in church._

                Jasper could hear Garnet singing beside her.  “Hallelujah…hallelujah…” 

                That word – hallelujah – was supposed to be the highest form of praise –a joyful praise – but Jasper wasn’t even sure what it meant.  All she knew was that with the burden of her trauma and her sins, it was hard to lift up a praise…it was hard carrying all that around.  _Will You take that from me?  Can I give all that to You?_  

                It was Jameela who joined in next, kneeling down in her apartment, which now had a stain glass window because she must’ve desired one and the light shone through it on her, illuminating what Jasper thought she must look like if only she were perfect.  ‘ _I've been here before.  I've seen this room and I've walked this floor.  You know, I used to live alone before I knew you.’_  In her hands she held something…it was small and rectangular and Jasper recognized it as the patch from her uniform she thought was lost forever…but it wasn’t…she carried her love of her country in her heart. _‘And I've seen your flag on the marble arch…and love is not a victory march.  It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah!’_

                It was not a victory...she had to let go of her pride and actually admit how broken she was…and let God take her sins, her burdens…heal her…before He’d give her the strength to go on.  There was nothing wrong with petitioning the Divine for help.  Her voice slipped out, very soft, almost whispering rather than singing.  “ _Maybe there's a God above, but all I've ever learned from love was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you…_ ” 

 _I give them to You,_ she thought.  _All the lives I took…in the line of duty…maybe they were my enemies, but they were also people.  Forgive me…for everything…also forgive my sluttiness…I mean ‘promiscuity’…I think that’s a better of putting it, yes.  If I continue in a romance with Greg, please bless us and whatever we may do – in marriage or not – please don’t condemn it, but let it be pure and blameless, a true expression of love._

The song continued as she felt tears come to her eyes.  Damn it…she did not want to be one of those people who started crying and loudly yelling or anything.  Some parishioners were raising their hands, whereas she kept hers firmly clasped in front of her.  “ _And it's not a cry that you hear at night.  
 It's not somebody who's seen the light…it's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah…”  _

_I don’t want to be broken anymore…if I give this all to You, will you put me back together again?  I give up to You the way my mother treated me…the way she talked to me about my skin – and all the feelings that went along with it.  I believe I’m beautiful – please help my daughter feel the same way about herself._

“Hallelujah!” 

_I give up to You all the sexual assault – from Sergeant McCoy…from Akhram…and Kawartaz…please, take that away, never let me think of it again while being intimate.  Give me the strength and courage to speak of it, so that through my experiences I can be instrumental in preventing it from happening to others.  I lift up to You my sins that I did as a reaction to all that…the wanton way I was a…harlot…_

“Hallelujah!”

                _And I ask to be released from my guilt over McCoy’s baby…while I trust You understand my decision, I know that I never claimed that child and I pray You look after her…or him…along with the others…Bean One, Bean Two and Michael…_

“Hallelujah!” 

_I give to You my grief and sorrow…that indescribable pain that seemed unbearable years ago when Bismuth died…I give him to You also to take into Your arms and hold until I see him again…_

“Hallelujah!”

_My dad too – please keep him…and please help ease my sorrow over him as well…I loved him so much…still do…_

“Hallelujah!”

And it felt it, her shoulders dropping as though He had taken that burden from her and somewhere deep inside a feeling she couldn’t quite describe began to spread.  She wiped her tears away as she glanced at Allie.  _There’s one I forgot – now that she’s professed her faith, please bless Allie – give her strength, peace and happiness._  

                She’d named it…this feeling that some may contribute to feel-good chemicals in the brain, she was convinced in that moment she felt His presence and His love on her.  She took a breath and lifted her voice as well as her hands.  Maybe she’d never be a church-going person – ever – perhaps she’d only pray when she really needed to and she’d likely never read the Bible cover-to-cover.  She might give in and have sex with Greg tomorrow out of wedlock and swear a thousand times between then and now, but in this moment, she knew she had the Almighty on her side…with her…loving and guiding her.  In this moment, she’d made her peace with God…

                “Haaaaaalleeeeeeluuuuuuujah!” 

*

            Amethyst was a vision in her bridal attire.  Jasper had always said her sister was beautiful, but today – wow!  “Tani is going to shit himself when he sees you.”

                Her sister laughed.  “I hope not!” 

                “And don’t use that language,” Penina chastised.  “It isn’t ladylike.”

                “Um, have you met me?”  Jasper snickered.  “A lady…right.”

                “Okay, I have something new – that’s the dress.”  Amethyst spun around in the white dress she and her mother had sewn together.  The simple white satin flattered her figure and the purple accent at the neckline gave it a pop of color as did the separation in the front of her skirt showing a deep purple underlay.  She put a hand to the pearl necklace she wore.  “I’ve had this necklace forever, so that’s something old.  And I have blue flowers in my bouquet – well, blue-purple.”

                “You need something borrowed.”  Penina removed the wooden comb from her hair and nestled it among the flowers in Amethyst’s up-do.  “I wore that when I married your father and we’ve been happy over forty years now.  It was my dream one of you would wear it on your wedding day and it certainly doesn’t go with an Army uniform.” 

                Jasper rolled her eyes.  “It would have been against regulation.”  Despite her wedding not being a military event, certain protocols still had to be followed, meaning her hair has been pulled back and her makeup simple.  In the end, Bismuth had slid off her nametag and pinned on one of his – against the rules since her name had not legally changed yet, but a sweet gesture nonetheless.  “Hey Ames, are you keeping your name or changing it?” 

                “I am becoming Mrs. Tanielu Faasoo.” 

                Ah, her sister was very traditional – as was Tani. 

                “No one will have my last name anymore and it’s weird,” Crystal said.

                “Well, that’s just not true,” Allie told her.  “My middle name is Palamo, so even when I get married we’ll still share that name until you change yours – if you choose to.” 

                “Wait you don’t have to?”  Crystal’s eyes went wide.  “Mom – you don’t have to!”

                “Don’t get excited – it’s happening.”  Amethyst took another look in the mirror.

                “Okay, but he’s not my dad!” 

                Amethyst huffed.  “Oh my God, Crystal, we’ve been over this like a million…”

                “Crystal, why are you so worried about Tani becoming your stepdad?”  Jasper asked.

                “Because…what if they take Dad away…like they change their minds and I never see him.  Then I might forget and think Tani is my dad.” 

                “Come here.”  Amethyst hugged her daughter.  “Remember I told you the judge said your dad could stay and after that, he gave papers to the government asking if he can be an American and stay forever.  He met with them last week and you know what?  They said yes.” 

                “Really?” 

                “Yep, so very soon we’ll find out when the ceremony is and you can go and see for yourself that he gets to stay.  Then you’ll have a dad and a stepdad who both love you very much.” 

                Nelly popped her head in.  “They’re about to start.  Auntie, let me help you to your seat.”  She lead Penina from the room with Allie following behind. 

                Jasper knelt down to get on Crystal’s level.  “Sprinkle only a few petals at a time.  You don’t want to run out halfway down the aisle.”  She picked up her own, small bouquet and stood next to her sister.  “I’m sure Uncle is ready whenever you are.” 

                “Yeah,” Amethyst said softly as she affixed her veil to her hair.  She took a breath and let it out slowly. 

                “Are you okay?” 

                “I just always thought…that Dad would…”  She fanned her face.  “Gah – I can’t cry.” 

Jasper wanted to tell her that their father was there, even if it was in spirit, but that could only tip her sister into crying.  Then she remembered their father had a sense of humor and would do anything to ease their nerves with a joke.  “Oh please, you know Dad would complain about his suit and make some ridiculous pun about priests or something and Mom would act shocked, but tell one of the aunties the same joke later.  So, what do you call a sleepwalking priest?” 

                “What?” 

                “A roamin’ Catholic.”  She shared a laugh with Amethyst.  “Okay, now, keep that smile.   You look beautiful; Tani loves you and today is going to be the happiest day of your life.” 

                Before Jasper walked down the aisle ahead of Crystal and her sister, she knelt down and whispered to the little girl: “You be on your best behavior.  No – even your _best_ behavior isn’t that great – you be an absolute angel today, _comprende_?” 

                Crystal tilted her head to the side.  “Everything except that last word.” 

                “Good.”  Jasper stood tall and walked down the aisle as gentle music played, joining Tani and his best man at the altar.  She watched as Crystal practically danced toward them, dramatically throwing petals into the air and then curtsying when she reached the altar.  Jasper wanted to grab her and tell her this was _not_ The Crystal Show.  Thankfully, she was still at the age where apparently everyone thought this was cute and laughed lightly before standing as the wedding march played. 

                Amethyst floated down the aisle to the murmurs and ‘ooohs’ of the maybe seventy people in attendance.  Their uncle moved the veil from her face and kissed her cheek before giving her hand to Tani.  Jasper looked at the delicate fabric flowing from her sister’s head.  She’d had too much of veils in her lifetime and would never wear one if she married again.  She thought about it as they exchanged their vows if she would ever make these promises with anyone…if she would ever change her name or keep it the same.  And would she have someone walk her down the aisle for tradition’s sake or walk alone in a statement that only she had the power to give herself to another person?

                The priest blessed the rings before they were exchanged and then said a prayer over the couple.  “I now pronounce you husband and wife.  You may now seal your union with a kiss.” 

                “Bleh,” Crystal said softly beside Jasper as she witnessed their first married kiss.

                The reception was held in the church function hall and was a simple affair with the cooking done by their aunties and a whole roasted pig prepared by a few of their uncles.  A tower of cupcakes stood by a punch bowl and pitchers of water.  Jasper knew the toast would be done with glasses of sparkling cider so everyone could participate – Amethyst, Nelly and other expectant mothers, the kids and even Tubaz and Nadima who had made the journey to join them today.  Crystal ran up to them and jumped in her father’s lap.  “Do I look pretty?” 

                “Beautiful.”  He kissed her forehead then looked over as Jasper sat at their table.  “You look nice too, Jasper.”

                “Thank you.  I made sure the aunties provided a few vegetarian options for you two – well, Topaz is here too…” she waved to her friend across the room, “and she’s vegetarian, but that way you can enjoy the reception.” 

                “We appreciate that,” Nadima told her.  “You didn’t have to, but thank you for including us.”

For most of the reception, Jasper mingled with her relatives and friends, who were excited to hear she was going to Samoa soon.  “Yes, we leave tomorrow night.  Mom says the resort I stayed in wasn’t really Samoa.”

                “Oh it’s not,” one of them said.  “A village is different – like an extended family.  Of course, you will have some extended family there.”

                Another touched her shoulder.  “Remember to cover up – modesty is very important.  Don’t be showing off your goodies to everyone.” 

                “You act as if I walk around naked…” 

                “We all remember those pictures,” her auntie said, glancing in Adam Sua’s direction. 

                “You should know that ownership is more communal than personal.  If you hang your towel or _lavalava_ out to dry and it’s not there later it’s because someone else in the village needed it – maybe more than you.  They’re not trying to be malicious and it’ll find its way back to you,” Nelly’s mother told her. 

                “And whatever you do – watch your language,” Penina admonished.  “It’s a Christian society, so especially mind your GD’s and your JC’s.”  She stroked the sleeve of Jasper’s purple _puletasi_.  “You can wear this to church.” 

                Ah, so that’s what her mother was planning when she sewed this dress.  Indeed, she could wear it again after the wedding.  “If I go.” 

                “Oh, you’ll go,” her mother left no room for argument.  “Everyone goes.” 

                With flights that would last a day and a half each way, she’d only be there one Sunday anyway.  “I suppose I can spare a Sunday morning.”

                “Good, good.  Now, I worry about your father being here by himself…” 

                Jasper sighed softly and put an arm around her mom’s shoulders.  “He’s coming with us, Mom…” 

                This was so much more than a trip.  It was a chance to fulfill her father’s wishes and say a final goodbye.  It brimmed with the opportunity to reunite her mother with her sister.  She felt the way she had before she’d gone to war…before she’d received her _pe’a_ …something about this was going to leave her different…perhaps better…this would be a journey of discovery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song used is Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen - for an amazing version, check out the cover Pentatonix did (it's probably my favorite) - https://youtu.be/LRP8d7hhpoQ
> 
> It's not a religious song, but the lyrics seemed appropriate for her specifically. 
> 
> Next chapter we're off to Samoa.


	28. Mana

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be prepared to say goodbye to a character or two.   
> I know a question some of you are probably wondering: So...any Moana music in here?   
> I thought about it - a lot, but the story takes place on a fictional island and the movie's songs are written in various Polynesian languages. Since I'm unsure which lyrics are in Samoan or not and this is Jasper's story, not a Moana fanfiction, I ultimately didn't feel right including any of the lyrics I originally intended. However, if you look closely at some of the dialogue, you may be able to pick up echos of the songs I would have liked to include.  
> But...I did include some lyrics from one song - enjoy. 
> 
> The Samoan names you'll see in this chapter:   
> Masina - Moon  
> Penina - Pearl  
> Rangi - Sky / Heaven   
> Opeli - Opal   
> Onike - Onyx  
> Moana - Ocean (I likely would have chosen this name even if the movie did not exist)  
> Mikaele - Michael   
> Lele - Short for Aulelei meaning Beautiful 
> 
> And since it's been thrown around, Tanielu is Samoan for Daniel.

** Chapter 27 – Mana  **

                Jasper was careful not to stray too far from the village, but went for an early morning run before the sun got too hot.  Unfortunately, Allie must’ve gotten her hands on Jasper’s iPod because it was full of Disney music.  At least some of it was exercise-worthy and she was halfway through ‘Go the Distance’ from _Hercules_ when she returned to the village.

            It was a bit different than she’d imagined.  Modern houses surrounded the communal green area in the middle – most of them brightly colored with tin roofs.  A large traditional _fale_ stood to the side and Rangi had explained it was a meeting house, used for village business, but also for festivities and ceremonies and group work.  Her cousin’s house was yellow with blue trim located near this large meeting place.  Behind it was a guest _fale_ with red beams holding up a tin roof instead palm fronds like she’d expected.  Her mother was awake, folding the mats they’d slept on.  “Jasper, when did you get here?” 

                “I flew in last night with you.”  She grabbed a bottle of water left by Rangi’s wife and took a few gulps before unplugging her phone from a nearby charger.  The _fale_ had one permanent wall with a single outlet, which was perfect for charging her phone or laptop.  She still had some school work to do, after all.  Noticing the time, she asked her mother if she’d taken her medicine. 

                “I-I don’t remember.” 

                Jasper checked the pill box and handed her mother her morning meds along with some water.  “I’m going to take a quick shower and change.”

                The bathroom was detached from both the main and guest houses – for sanitary reasons, Rangi had explained.  Unsure if water was a precious commodity or not, Jasper simply rinsed her hair and scrubbed her body with a floral soap.  After drying off, she wrapped a plain, red _lavalava_ around her waist and put on a black v-neck t-shirt with the silhouette of a dumbbell on it.  Returning to the guest _fale_ , she realized her mother was not there.  “Damn it, Mom…”

                It was then she heard her mother laughing and left the _fale_ to see she hadn’t gone far, but was in the nearby garden talking with Rangi’s wife, Opeli.  Jasper had been shocked upon first seeing her cousin’s wife because she had been in her mother’s story.  Her pale skin shone in the sun, as did her icy blonde hair and Jasper realized upon looking at her for the first time last night that she was the albino baby her mother had delivered fifty years ago.  

                “They…accept you,” her mother had said. 

                “When I was a few years old, a visiting priest told the village that the color white is associated with purity and therefore, instead of cursed, perhaps I was blessed by God.  After that, nothing more was said about me being different.  Once I became a teenager, well, all the boys wanted me.”  Opeli had laughed.

                Jasper joined them in the garden, astonished by the abundance of plants.  “Do you grow all your own food?” 

                “Most of it, but we have communal gardens and trees, too.  There is also a grocery store in the next village where we can buy canned goods and spices and an open market most days as well.”  Opeli bent over and plucked a watermelon that looked ripe.  “This will go nicely with breakfast.  Rangi is cooking it now.” 

                “He does the cooking?”  Jasper asked. 

                Both women laughed.  “All the cooking in Samoa is done by the men,” her mother explained.  “Or, most of it anyway.” 

                “That’s tempting – how soon can I move here?”  She followed Opeli while she checked their small chicken coop for eggs.  One of the chickens curiously came up to her then scuttled off when she made eye contact with it.  Jasper was honestly unsure she’d ever seen a live chicken – not an adult one, anyway. 

                They made their way to another open _fale_ – the kitchen – also separate – where Rangi was stirring something in a pot sitting over hot coals.  “ _Manuia le taeao_ ,” he greeted them a good morning.  “How did you sleep?” 

                Opeli placed the watermelon and eggs on a table.  “Not well – someone was snoring beside me,” she teased.

                “Not you,” he laughed.

                Jasper couldn’t tell them in any polite way that she was not used to sleeping on a thin mat on the floor and her hips and back were protesting a bit this morning.  However, the pillow had been comfortable and the open design of the _fale_ had kept them cool all during the night.  “Fine, thank you.”

                Her cousin was a big man.  In fact, when she’d first met him, his stature had reminded her of Kawartaz as he stood a whole head taller than her and was broad-shouldered.  However, any doubts she’d had were quickly dashed as she’d gotten to know Rangi and found him friendly and welcoming.  He had a big smile and wore his long hair tied back.  Plus, he lacked the monstrous beard.  No, he was nothing like that asshole.  In fact, his demeanor reminded her of her father and uncles – the men who had helped raise her and shape her into who she was today.  She may have been halfway around the world, but in Rangi and Opeli’s kindness, she was reminded of all those she loved and it almost felt like home.

                After breakfast, Jasper walked the beach with her cousin and broached the subject of Masina.  “You said in your recent e-mail my aunt is still alive.”

                “Yes.  I’ve been good friend with her eldest son, Onike, for years now.  She lives on Apolima with him and her youngest daughter.” 

                Jasper recalled her mother saying she believed Masina had four or five kids.  “What about her other children?” 

                “Two of her sons live on Upolu with their families – better jobs there.  The other one went all the way to New Zealand.” 

                “Has she come back here or is she still banished?” 

                Rangi laughed.  “No.  The counsel removed the banishment decades ago once a doctor explained that she had vitiligo and the priest cleared up that Opeli was not cursed.  Once they understood, they were quick to extend an invitation to her, lift the banishment and even gave her gifts of reparation.  By then, though, her mother had died; she had her husband and children on Apolima, so she chose to remain there.  She used to visit every so often, but stopped about five years ago when her husband passed away.  She’s still in good health as far as I can tell, but she is old.”

                “And her mind?  Is her memory still good?” 

                Another hearty laugh escaped him.  “You bet it is!  She remembers shenanigans Onike and I got into we don’t even recall.  She knows all her kids and grandkids and their birthdays.  She still goes out on the ocean every day.” 

                Jasper’s mother had spoken of Masina as a young woman and though she knew her aunt was old, the mention of her grandchildren made Jasper realize there was a whole extended family she’d never met.  “And you’ll take me there?” 

                “Yes.  I’ll let you rest today – you’ve had a long journey, but we can go tomorrow.” 

                “I’m not much for resting.  What’s there to do around here?” 

                “Some of the women will be weaving baskets later.  You could join them.” 

                That sounded like it could be fun…for her mother.  “Pass.  I’m more of an active girl.” 

                “You could take a bus to the Alofaaga blowholes – they’re pretty impressive.  Massive shoots of water going straight up between the rocks.  There is a cave there that’s said to be the entrance to _Pulotu_ – the spirit world.” 

                ‘ _That must be where Nafanua was found…in the legend_ ,’ Jameela said.  ‘ _I’d like to see that._ ’ 

                “And you can watch people throw coconuts into the water as it streams up – it’s entertaining.” 

                “Oh, they finally found a good use for coconuts,” she joked. 

                “Well, we have many uses for not just the coconut, but the entire tree.  We wrap food in the leaves and use the wood in fires.  The baskets the women weave are from the fronds.  It is a very versatile plant.”  

                Jasper jumped to the side as the ocean water crept up onto her foot.  “Any other areas of interest?” 

                “Well, there is a waterfall near the village that’s very pretty.  It’s a bit of a hike to get to, but many young couples – especially newlyweds – like to go there for privacy.” 

                “Oh.”  Well, she supposed with very open houses, some of them needed a secluded place.  She recalled her mom saying Masina and her father spent some time up there and a thought crossed her mind.  Could they have actually…she shook her head.  She did not want to think about her father that way.  Still, once back in the village, she laced up the sneakers she’d worn on the plane and hiked up the path until she heard the roaring of water as it cascaded down into a natural pool.  A family was there, the kids squealing and giggling as they played and splashed in the water.  The parents greeted her and then nothing else was said. 

                ‘ _We should jump in!_ ’ Jameela suggested excitedly.  She wore a swimsuit and a sarong around her waist.  ‘ _It would be so cool and refreshing!_ ’ 

                ‘ _And deadly.  Pass.  Hard Pass._ ’  Jasper pressed further down the trail taking in the sight of exotic plants, some of which were lush and green while others sported bright flowers.  Birds rested in the trees and called out in song.  On one tree, she spied a huge coconut crab, which may have scared her if not for her familiarity with camel spiders.  Of all the places she’d traveled, this was the most beautiful and she knew why her parents had wanted to someday return.  Jasper sighed as she thought about her father’s ashes, still safe in the urn in her carry-on bag and thought about the roundabout way he would be returning to the island.  She wasn’t sure when they would even scatter the ashes…or where…but at some point she’d have to say a final goodbye.

She wandered back into the village a few hours later and the delicious smells of lunch hung in the air causing her stomach to rumble.  Returning to the _fale_ she frowned noticing the flip flops she left near the stairs were gone, but recalled her mom saying someone may have needed them more.  She’d seen other people walk around barefoot, so she took off her shoes and socks before making her way to the kitchen. 

                Opeli greeted her as she entered.  “I was starting to worry about you.  There is still plenty of food.” 

                She thanked her hosts and filled her plate with tender meat, a dish of cooked fruit, rice and something unfamiliar to her that looked like potato.  She was pretty sure it was taro and upon tasting it recognized the unmistakable flavor of coconut.  There was no getting out of this though – to not finish it would have been insulting, so she choked it down before moving onto the chicken. 

                “Auntie says you’re in the Army,” Rangi said.  “You must be very brave being named after Nafanua.” 

                Jasper shrugged.  “I suppose I am, but I’m not in the Army anymore.” 

                “Since when?”  Penina asked. 

                “A few years ago now,” Jasper reminded her.  “I served twenty years, retired and now I’m a personal trainer…well, part time – I’m also in school to be a nutritionist.” 

                “So, is that in the medical field?”  Opeli asked. 

                “Sort of, I guess; I do help people stay healthy.  There is benefit to a nutritious diet and regular exercise.”  She recalled her mother talking about natural cures being used in Samoa and she wondered if that included healthy foods.  Certainly everything here was organic and very little seemed processed aside from the few canned goods she’d seen in the kitchen.

                A light breeze blew through the open kitchen and she looked out past the village buildings and trees to where the ocean sparkled.  She realized tomorrow she’d have to get on a boat and cross the water to Apolima, which meant she’d get the answers she’d been seeking.  It also meant facing her greatest fear.

*

                After breakfast the next morning, she followed Rangi down to the lone dock belonging to the village.  “So, are we taking a traditional canoe, or…” her eyes fell on a green motorboat that would fit four-to-six people.  “Ah, well, that’s faster, I guess.”

                “You guess?  You know how long it would take us to paddle a canoe there?” 

                “Right.”  She watched as he got in and paused as he extended his hand to help her climb into the boat.  Her heart pounded as she watched the waves lap gently against the sides of the vessel.  “Okay, so like if we go over, do we have like life vests?” 

                “We’re not gonna go over.  I’ve done this a lot of times.  Have you never been in a boat?” 

                “Well…when I was little.”  She remembered her father helping her with her life vest and lifting her up to plop her down in the fishing boat.  Jasper took a deep breath and allowed him to help her.  Her stomach immediately clenched as the boat rocked from side to side and the sloshing of water found her ears. 

                _‘Okay, you have to do this,_ ’ Jameela told her forcefully. _‘For our mom – this is literally why you came here.’_

                Jasper took a deep breath and let it out slowly.  “So, are we using traditional wayfinding or a modern GPS?” 

                Rangi pointed to a small piece of land in the distance.  “You can see Apolima right over there, so we’re gonna take the boat and we’re gonna go there.”  He turned the key and the engine roared to life.  “You watched that Disney movie, didn’t you?”

                “My daughter may have been a little obsessed when she was younger.”  So much so that Jasper still had a large, fake fishhook in her garage from Halloween the year Allie was six.

                “We watched it, too – my family and I rented the DVD.  It was enjoyable, but we don’t use canoes like that very often anymore.  Mostly for fishing around the island, but not for long journeys.  Masina’s daughter is named Moana, you know.” 

                “I didn’t.”  It seemed fitting she’d be named after the sea if her aunt still loved being out on the ocean.  Jasper looked out around her as the boat pulled away from the dock and cut through the waves toward the small speck of land in the distance.  “She must be…older though…I mean, she wasn’t named after the character?” 

                “No,” her cousin said with a laugh.  “She’s about forty and has five children of her own.”

                “Are most families that large?”  She knew Rangi had four kids and even a couple of grandkids.  Apparently they got married young and started popping out babies.

                “Usually.  Children are a blessing.  However, large families can be challenging – especially financially – so some couples plan how many they’ll have.  Did you and your husband only plan the one?” 

                “I have a few children who are with God now.”  She saw him open his mouth to give her pity, but she didn’t need it.  “It’s fine.  I’ve moved on.”  She looked out as the island ahead of them grew larger, sheer cliffs rising from the ocean.  “My mom says this village is small.” 

                “Yes.  It’s in the crater of a volcano, you know.” 

                And now the danger of water didn’t seem so threatening.  “I’m sorry, it’s in a…what?” 

                “A volcano – a dead one.” 

                “Dead is good.”  As they approached, she could see the hollowed out inside – almost a half circle shape with the lush green of the village beyond the beach.  In the distance there was a lone vessel near the cliffs and she could tell it was one of the traditional canoes she’d asked about, likely out for fishing. 

                Rangi slowed the boat as it approached the island, guiding it carefully through a small entrance between coral reefs and pulling up to a single dock.  Children rushed out to greet the boat along with a large man who walked much slower.  He wore a light blue T-shirt and a _lavalava_ and appeared to be about the same age as Rangi, leading Jasper to realize this must be Onike.  It had to be a trick of the light, but as he helped her out of the boat, she swore the man looked a bit like her father. 

                “You must be Jasper.”  When she nodded he nearly crushed her with a hug.  “Welcome!  How was your journey?  It must’ve been a long trip from America.” 

                “It was, it…”  She attempted to walk on, but the group of about six children was looking at her expectantly.  This had happened on Savai’i, too and she knew exactly what they wanted as she dug into her bag and gave them each a fun size packet of M&Ms.  Their faces lit up and they ran off excitedly to consume their treats.  It occurred to her some of them may never have had chocolate before.  “Are any of them yours?” 

                “My granddaughter was the little one in pink – she’s three.”  He greeted Rangi warmly and then led them from the dock.  “We’ve been expecting you – we have the _umu_ heated and already cooking up a lunch for you later.  My mother isn’t back yet, but if she’s successful, we’ll have fish for dinner.”

                Jasper followed them up to the village, noticing some older _fales_ with palm frond roofs along with brightly colored newer ones with the tin roofs she’d seen in her mother’s village.  Dirt paths ran along the vast green area flanked by the buildings.  A few children ran around playing, but otherwise the area looked pretty deserted and she guessed that people must be in their houses working out of the sun’s heat.  Only one modern building – white with blue trim – stood out.  “Is that your church?” 

                “Yes,” Onike answered.  “I can show it to you later – we’ll gather this evening for prayer and worship.”  He led them down the path to what he described as their family’s land, which boasted three _fales_ , two in yellow and one smaller one in pink.  “This one belongs to me and my wife – a lot of times my son and daughter-in-law will visit with the little one, though.  The other Moana shares with her husband and children and the pink one is my mother’s.”  He showed them the detached open kitchen and bathroom, which was thankfully enclosed. 

                “This is probably a dumb question, but why not cook inside the house?” Jasper asked. 

                Rangi laughed.  “If the kitchen burns down it doesn’t take the house with it.” 

                That made sense, considering they cooked with real fire and hot coals.  She followed them into the other yellow _fale_ where a woman sat weaving coconut fronds together.  A small baby lay on its stomach nearby and cried out in amusement as they entered.   The woman stood and introduced herself as Moana.  Jasper nearly laughed at her resemblance to Amethyst, from her height to her plump body and friendly smile.  “You look so much like Mom.”

                “You look like…my mom…and sister.”  Jasper dug out her phone and flipped to a picture of Amethyst.  “Well, I mean, your hair isn’t purple, but this is your other cousin.” 

                “Oh wow…”

                “And that’s her daughter, Crystal.” 

                “She’s cute.” 

                “Do _not_ let her cuteness fool you.  Some days I think my sister made that child with Satan.”  She noticed their shocked expressions as though this could be a real possibility.  “It’s a joke.  She’s just a handful.”

                “My youngest daughter is out there somewhere,” Moana looked toward the central green area and pointed to a little girl who was maybe four.  “There she is – Lele.  And this one…” she picked up the baby, “…is Mikaele, my only son.”

                The baby shoved his fist in his mouth and cooed at Jasper making her smile as she patted his head.  “He’s cute.”

                They sat and Jasper held the baby while Moana wove a fan together and they talked about their families and children. 

                “My three oldest are in school on Upolu, so they stay with their uncle there and come home on the weekends.  There’s no school here.”

                “Have you been there?” 

                “Of course.  I’ve traveled all over Samoa, though I’ve never been outside of it.  I would love to visit my brother in New Zealand.  Have you traveled?” 

                “Well, I’ve been to Afghanistan and Iraq, but that was work – those are not travel destinations I would recommend.  I’ve gone all around New York practically, been to Florida on my honeymoon – I’ve gone to Texas and to Quebec and Ontario in Canada.  Oh and Hawaii and Paris – France.”  She hoped that wasn’t boasting, but it was the truth. 

                “Wow.  You’ve been so many places.  I’d ask to see pictures but then I’d never get this done.” 

                “Maybe later.  I have some on my phone.”  She looked over as Lele ran up to the _fale_ and then paused before cautiously walking toward Jasper.  The little girl’s face relaxed and she seemed much more at ease when she plopped down and her mom explained who Jasper was. 

                “Where’s America?” Lele asked. 

                “All the way across the ocean,” Moana explained.  “Cross your legs – we don’t point our feet at people – that’s rude.  Jasper’s come a very long way to see us.  That’s how important family is.”

                “Did she bring us treats?” 

                “Lele!” 

                Jasper laughed.  “I did, actually.”  She handed the girl a small bag of M&Ms.  “My mom suggesting bringing candy for the kids.” 

                “Eh, what do you say, Lele?”

                “Thank you, Auntie.”  She tore open the package gasping as a few candies escaped.  She picked them up and ate them.  “Grandma is back.  She got a biiiiiiiig fish!”  Lele held her arms out as wide as they would go.

                Her heart pounded as she thought about what she might say to her aunt when she saw her.  Her initial plan was to tell her exactly what vitiligo was and that she was not cursed – to hopefully restore her good name with her original village.  However, all this had already been done.  Still, she needed to somehow get Masina to meet with her sister…if she’d even consider it.  Maybe she was so angry with Penina after all these years she’d refuse to even speak to Jasper.  But surely she knew Jasper was coming if Onike and Moana had made preparations, such as a lunch for her. 

                There was no more time to worry about it as a figure stepping into the _fale_ caught her attention.  She could see the similarities between herself and her aunt and if she continued to take after this woman, well, she would age very well.  Masina still stood tall, though she had some wrinkles around her eyes and laugh lines near her mouth, she was clearly healthy.  Her white hair was pulled up in a bun and the T-shirt and _lavalava_ she wore would mask any changes in her body after having children.  Jasper stood, the infant still in her arms and her eyes fell on her aunt’s skin painted in alternating tan and white tones.  Of course, Allie also had the condition, but actually seeing Masina – someone who came before her – and looked so much like her – her place in the family made so much sense now.  “I’ve…I’ve traveled so far to meet you.”

                Masina was silent for a few moments, clearly studying Jasper, before she spoke.  “ _E te iloa fa'aSamoa_?”

                It was only then Jasper realized she’d been so stunned she’d slipped back to her native English.  “Yes, I speak it.” 

                Her aunt gave a soft smile.  “That’s good.  After so many years my English has gotten very rusty.  So, you are my sister’s daughter.” 

                “One of them.  My sister, Amethyst, couldn’t travel.  She’s expecting a baby.” 

                “Speaking of babies, I see you’ve met Mikaele.”  She reached out and stroked the boy’s cheek causing him to squeal with joy.  “Have you seen him try to crawl?”  When Jasper shook her head, her aunt laughed.  “He sort of scoots along the floor in the funniest way.” 

                This was not what she’d expected.  Although, truthfully, she hadn’t known what to expect, but not this.  She tried to think of what to say, but Mikaele was about eight months old and by the time Allie had started to crawl, Jasper had been deployed, unable to see her child until she was already two.  At the time, it had been her duty, what she was meant to do – the soldier taking over and telling herself that her country was more important than her child.  But as she sat down and the baby placed a chubby hand on her cheek, she now regretted missing this part of Allie’s life. 

Even Jameela seemed taken with him. _‘He’s so cute – we should have another.’_

_‘Um…’_

_‘Right…but he’s so cute!’_

                “Amethyst is having a boy,” Jasper said and wasn’t sure if this was more to Jameela or to her relatives. 

                “Why don’t we walk to my _fale_ ,” Masina suggested.  “I have much to ask you.”  

                Jasper handed the baby back to his mother and followed her aunt out of the house and down the short path to the small pink _fale_ where Masina unfurled two mats and told Jasper to sit.  She disappeared down the path once again and returned a few minutes later with two smooth, young coconuts, their tops cut off and handed one to Jasper. 

                She looked out over the village and beyond to the blue water sparkling in the sun.  In the distance she could see a larger island and wondered if it was Savai’i or Upolu.  “So, Onike told me you like to fish.” 

                “I like being on the water, but you didn’t come all the way here to talk about my love of the sea.”  She took a long drink from her coconut.  “Is your mother here with you?” 

                “Well, I mean, she’s back on Savai’i, but yes, she came with me.  She told me about you and what happened.”  Jasper focused on her own almost completely white forearm.  “I know what it’s like to grow up with this condition.  She…and the village…had no right to do that to you.” 

                Masina was quiet for a moment then laughed lightly.  Actually laughed.  “Do you think I don’t know this already?  Didn’t Onike or Rangi tell you the village apologized long ago?”

                “But…it still had to hurt.” 

                “Of course it did.  In a few moments, I lost my entire life…my family, the support of my community…and your father.  It hurt and part of me wanted to sail away never to be seen again.  There was a storm that night and I paddled toward Apolima where I took as much shelter as I could under my turned over canoe on top of the coral reef.”  She showed Jasper a scar near her elbow, white against some skin that was still tan.  “I accidentally cut my arm that night.  The villagers found me the next day and welcomed me to stay with them.  And weeks later when I realized I was pregnant, one of the men I had befriended married me without hesitation and raised Onike as his own.” 

                Jasper set her own coconut down, the unwelcome taste of its water still in her mouth and paused recalling her first thought upon seeing Onike was that he looked like her father.  “Wait…Onike is…” 

                “Yes, and he knows.  I never hid from him that he was from my first love.”

“And you never told Dad?”

Masina paused.  “I must’ve started so many letters, however the love I shared with your father was not meant to last forever and I fell in love with my husband who was my best friend, the father of my children and my rock until he passed away.  When that happened, it felt like I lost my entire world again.  There were a few times in my life – when my sixth child was born already sleeping – when our village was nearly destroyed by a typhoon – when my son moved all the way to New Zealand – where it felt like damage that would never heal and that I may never go on again.  Then I look at my arm and the place where it was cut open.”  She ran her fingers along the skin.  “It’s not the same, never will be, but despite leaving a scar, it’s healed and emotional wounds can heal too.  They can sometimes heal us to be better, stronger and show us who we’re meant to be.”

                Jasper nodded and briefly reflected on all the bad things that had happened to her and how over time she’d moved on, or let go…or gave them God.  All of these experiences, though horrible at the time, had shaped her to be who she was today and in that moment, she found herself thankful that she had walked away from them, not only alive, but stronger than before.  “Have you forgiven my mother?”

                Masina sighed.  “It took a long time, but at some point I realized that my inner spirit – my _mana_ – got what she always wanted.  She always longed, not to travel far, but stay in Samoa.  It may have come through hardship, but I stayed here my entire life and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  I wanted to write to Penina and mend our relationship, but the years passed faster than I anticipated…”  She looked at her hands, weathered with age.  “Yes, I have forgiven my sister and I would like to see her.” 

                The way her mother had talked about it made it seem like all their pain was so fresh, but she realized only her mother had carried that burden for fifty years while Masina had moved on long ago.  “There’s something you should know – her memory isn’t too good and it’s getting worse.  She remembers you and actually seems to be doing pretty well here, but eventually, she’ll forget everything.  I have a feeling seeing you again is something she wants before she gets bad.” 

                “My sister and I have a lot to talk about, but now I’d like to know about you.  My first suspicion is that you’re not a fan of coconut.” 

                “I’m sorry, but no.” 

                Jameela lay back on her couch sipping something from a coconut shell with a tacky paper umbrella in it.  She wore a bikini top with a sarong and Jasper wasn’t sure anything was under that. _‘My coconut has alcohol in it.’_

                Upon reading into _Fifty Shades of Grey_ , Jasper briefly considered that Jameela may be her inner goddess.  Jameela, however, had been quick to reply that she had never in her life ‘danced the meringue with a few salsa moves thrown in’.  So, she was back to being Jasper’s inner whore – confident, beautiful and always knowing exactly what she wanted and being brave enough to go out and get it.  

                Over lunch, Jasper told the family about her military career, her travels, her life with Bismuth, her hope of a future with Greg and spent a good chunk of time talking about Allie.  “I’d love to bring her here, but she’s more of an indoor girl and hopelessly addicted to electronics.  I’d try and show her something neat like plants she’s never seen or the traditional _fales_ and she’d be up on a coconut tree trying to get a signal on her cell phone.” 

                “In Apolima?”  Moana laughed.  “Good luck!”

                “Maybe when she’s older and can appreciate it more.”

                Once the children had been put down for a nap, they turned to more serious topics, beginning when Onike asked: “Did your father come with you as well?” 

                Oh boy…memories surfaced of the last time she’d seen her father, when he’d hugged her and told her how much he loved her.  She remembered being told he’d wanted a son and so certain he was she’d be a boy that he chose the name Jasper and gave it to her regardless.  Still, as her mother had said, when he first laid eyes on his ‘Baby Girl’, he’d loved her just as much as he would have loved any son.  And all this time, he’d had a son he knew nothing about.  “I’m sorry, but my father passed away three months ago.  We actually did bring his ashes to scatter, as he wanted.  I know you probably wanted to meet him.” 

                “It would have been nice,” Onike said.  “However, I’m not sure I could have ever seen him as my father.  Of course, I understand his absence having no idea I existed…” 

                “If he had, he would have returned long ago to see you and supported you and Aunt Masina however he could…” 

                “I’m sure he would have, but the dad who raised me – he was my father in every way that counts.  This doesn’t mean that I don’t want to consider you my sister.” 

                “We could use more women in the family,” Moana commented.

                “Says the woman with four daughters,” her brother laughed.

                “Oh, we’re not done yet.”  Moana’s husband put his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close.  “I could go for four or five more.”

                Moana pushed him away.  “I could go with actually being able to afford a decent pair of sandals.” 

                “Eh, yeah, kids are expensive.” 

                Jasper had noticed many people walking around barefoot, but she had assumed perhaps it was part of the culture of this particular village.  Now she knew that when the majority of their money went to other clothes, food they couldn’t grow and sending their children to school, something like a simple pair of flip flops was beyond what they could afford.  She thought of the ones she’d worn sitting outside the _fale_ , which she’d gotten for a dollar on clearance.  She’d bought a few different pairs to bring with her.  They would probably be too big, but maybe she’d leave them for Moana – they wouldn’t be perfect, but they’d be _something_.

                While others rested during the heat of the day after lunch, Onike took her up the steep hills to the top of the crater where she could see the seemingly endless ocean, only punctuated by the islands rising from it.  She stood there in awe of it, the wind blowing through her hair, taking photos and video with her phone to show to Amethyst later.  “It’s weird to think if I got in a boat and followed the ocean, I’d make it to America.” 

                Onike put his hands on her shoulders and turned her.  “That direction.”

                As they walked down, her brother pointed out the fruit trees that grew plentifully in the forest the path cut through.  “There are also a lot of wild pigs here.  We’ll cook one later for our _fiafia_.” 

                “What are we celebrating?” 

                “You, of course!”  Onike laughed.  “We only get a few visitors a year and no one has ever had a family member travel from so far away.  We don’t have much, but we will share with you what we can.” 

                “I…thank you.”

                “We’re doing an ‘ava ceremony to honor and welcome you.  Just remember – cups of ‘ava are like breasts – one isn’t enough but three is too many.  It tastes like muddy water, but try not to make a face.  We’ll have you stay the night and then my mother and I will accompany you and Rangi back to Savai’i.” 

                She worried about her own mother, though Opeli had said she’d watch over her and make sure she took her meds.  Jasper also considered her phone battery, which was over half drained from taking photos and she’d likely take more at the feast tonight.  She flipped through some of the photos and stopped at one of her and Onike.  How was she going to tell Amethyst she had a brother she’d never known about?  This wasn’t something she could just text or e-mail, but had to be done in person when she returned.  She smiled imagining walking through the village with Amethyst and her sister’s wide-eyed, excited reaction to everything.  Now they had an excuse to return in the near future.

*

                The cawing of a rooster caused Jasper to sleepily open her eyes.  She saw it standing right on the floor of the _fale_ , looking at her for a moment before it belted out its call again and then left.  “Asshole…”

                Masina chuckled, already up, dressed and folding her mat.  “Don’t you think ‘cock’ would be more appropriate?” 

                “Auntie!”

                “Don’t act shocked.  I’m sure worse has come out of your mouth.” 

                Jasper could not deny this.  She rubbed her eyes.  The party the night before had been amazing with dancing and lots of delicious food with the whole village coming together, talking and laughing and asking her all sorts of questions about where she was from.  The ‘ava hadn’t tasted the best, but had left her feeling sleepy, almost like she was slightly drunk, but that feeling was gone now.  She saw her clothes folded next to her – the orange _puletasi_ top and shorts she’d cover with a _lavalava_.  She hadn’t planned to spend the night, but her aunt had given her an oversized t-shirt to sleep in.  Jasper quickly got dressed and folded her mat, placing it on the trunk on top of the one Masina had used. 

                “So, let’s get something to eat and then we’ll leave ahead of Rangi and Onike.” 

                “We’re not taking the same boat?” 

                “Rangi mentioned you wanted to travel by _va’a_ , but it’ll take a few hours to get all the way to Savai’i that way.” 

                “Really?  A real canoe?  What if we tip over?  Oh wait…that’s what that little piece sticking out of it is for…”

                “You mean the float?”  She led the way as they stepped out of the _fale_ and moved toward the kitchen.  “Onike and Rangi will make sure the gifts we gave you make it onto their boat.” 

                Jasper knew visitors were usually given the fine mats and canned goods presented to her last night at the _fiafia_ , but she had no idea how she’d get any of it back home.  The canned food, especially, would be expensive to ship and she figured she’d give it to Rangi’s family.  Perhaps she could ship the mats if they were rolled up. 

                She ate a simple breakfast of banana and tapioca soup, which was thick like porridge and some bread that tasted sweet with a hint of coconut.  She held Mikaele again, though Moana told her that they would come and visit the village in Savai’i on Saturday.  “I know, but I’ve already grown attached, right, Mike?” 

                Mikaele stuck out his tongue and blew a raspberry at her spraying her face with banana soup and then laughing about it.  Jasper held him close, so their noses were almost touching.  “You’re a stinker, but you’re lucky you’re a cute stinker.”

                Once they were done eating and she’d cleaned her face, she and Masina headed for the dock where her aunt untied her canoe.  “I’ve had this for years.  It’s served me well.”

                The thought of getting on the ocean again didn’t thrill Jasper, but at least she was with someone knowledgeable who could get them back to Savai’i safely.  She got in, admiring the craftsmanship – the wood was smooth and finished and she ran her hand along a pattern carved on the inside.  “Did you make this?” 

                “I helped, but my husband knew how to make them.”  She pushed her foot against the dock and let the vessel float away from it before dipping her paddle in the water.  “I think of him when I’m on the water.” 

                “My husband died in the war…but I told you that already.  Part of me misses him every day, but I also want to explore this new possibility with Greg.” 

                “Then explore.  Your husband was a part of your life – the experiences you had helped shape you and guide you to where you are today, but your life is far from over.  If he loved you, as I know he must’ve, he’d want you to live for him.  I’m an old woman and I doubt love will find me again, but if it did, I wouldn’t run from it.  Love is infinite – there is more than enough in your heart for the husband you lost and maybe someday a new one.”  Masina guided the canoe carefully through the narrow passage away from the lagoon and out into the open ocean. 

                “So, Rangi said he doesn’t use wayfinding – do you?” 

                “Sometimes, but I know my way pretty well now.” 

                “You’re not going to do that thing with your hand, you know…”  She held her hand up, tilting her thumb toward the horizon. 

                Masina laughed.  “That’s for the stars; do you see any stars?” 

                Jasper couldn’t resist and pointed toward the sun.  “There’s one.”

                Her aunt retaliated by using her oar to splash water on Jasper.  “Smarty.” 

                She recoiled at the water soaking through her top and trickling down her bare arm.  Staying silent, she looked again at the water reflecting the sun’s light. _‘Well, Jameela, what do you think?  Pretty out there, huh?’_

                Jameela, however, didn’t seem to hear her as she was dancing around her apartment singing horribly off key.  _‘Shiny!  Like a treasure from a sunken pirate wreck – scrub the deck and make it look…’_

_‘Jameela, please…’_

_‘Shiny!  Watch me dazzle like a diamond in the rough – strut my stuff – my stuff is so…’_

_‘Rough diamonds aren’t…’_

_‘SHINY!’_

_‘JAMEELA!’_

She stopped singing and put her hands on her hips. _‘You threw off my groove.’_

Jasper sighed. _‘Why do I even consult you?’_

_‘Because I’m…’_

_‘If you say ‘shiny’ I swear to God…’_

_‘…I’m you and I know what you want in the deepest part of your heart.’_

Well, getting a song now stuck in her head that she’d been able to forget after several years was not actually one of her deepest desires.  “The ocean is so beautiful, but…” 

                “But?”  Masina asked. 

                “I’m afraid…of water.”  Jasper told her aunt what had been done to her in the prison.  “I couldn’t breathe…I really thought I would die…” 

                “That was a horrible thing they did and I can understand why you would be afraid.”  Masina put the oar in the boat and reached out, touching the water.  “But here, it’s your choice if you want to commune with the water.” 

                Commune with the water?  Jasper raised an eyebrow.  That sounded like a hippie-ish thing to say.  “I…” 

                “We see the ocean teeming with life and connecting all of us together – a positive force in the world.  It won’t hurt you.” 

                A breeze gently blew the loose strands of hair not contained in her bun against her face.  If she didn’t face it now, she might never do so.  Jasper held out her hand cautiously and put one finger on the water, slowly dipping her hand in and scooping up a small part of the ocean in her palm.  It slid through her fingers, cool as though if she jumped in it would be refreshing from the sun. 

                _‘Let’s do it!’_   Jameela exclaimed. 

                Jasper took a deep breath.  Her aunt had said this was her choice. 

                “What is your inner spirit telling you?”  Masina placed a hand on her shoulder.  “Whatever it is…she is the truest part of who you are.  Listen to her.” 

                _‘Jump on in!  You can do it and you’ll be free!’_

                Her heart pounded…but no one was forcing her.  She thought of Greg and the fireworks and she knew just as Jameela had been with her then, she was here now.  She could let her take over, but no…it was Jameela’s desire, but Jasper had to be the one to do this.  She stood up, quickly pulling off her top and wiggling out of her shorts. 

                Her aunt looked on, wide-eyed.  “What are you…”

                Jasper threw her undergarments on top of the clothes she’d shed. 

                “Jasper!” 

                Then she jumped from the canoe, diving beneath the surface and rising again to take a breath.  The chill shocked her for a second before she felt the water enveloping her, surrounding her…almost comforting.  She kicked her legs keeping her head elevated so she could breathe.  “I did it!” 

                “That’s what your inner spirit told you to do?”

                “Sure did.”

                “Becoming naked was not necessary.” 

                Jasper laughed.  “You don’t know Jameela.”  She swam around the canoe, remembering what it was like before the prison when she loved the water.  She dove under again then surfaced smoothing the loose strands of hair away from her face where they’d stuck. 

                “You got that out of your system?” 

                “Yeah.” 

                “Good, now get back in this canoe before I _sasa_ you with my oar!”

                Would her aunt really spank her?  Probably not, but Jasper hoisted herself up into the canoe and leaned back over the side to squeeze her hair out before securing it in a bun.  She leaned back, letting the sun bathe her face in its warmth, drying the water. 

                “Aren’t you going to get dressed?” 

                “I mean, we’re both women, so I figure I’ll dry off a little.” 

                Masina struck her lightly on the thigh with the oar.  “What’s a woman doing with a tattoo like that?  _Pe’a_ is for men.” 

                “So I’ve been told, but I’m a warrior.” 

                “You are also a woman – you can be both.  Don’t be afraid of your feminine side – it may very well be the strongest part of you.”

                 A voice from months ago bubbled to the forefront of her mind: _‘There is no shame in being a woman and in owning the sensuality you clearly possess.’_   Jasper took her hair out of her bun, letting it tumble onto her back, still wet and leaned over the side of the canoe gazing at her reflection in the water.  It was like looking at Jameela – the smooth surface of the water masking any minor wrinkles on her face, the layered part of her hair framing it perfectly…the light and shadow across her face – beautiful eyes, full lips.  Her inner spirit was all woman…so was she. 

                The image rippled as the sound of a motor boat found her ears and she heard Rangi call out in greeting.  “Hey Auntie!  You guys doing good?” 

                And now she was embarrassed…

                _‘And bare assed,’_ Jameela said. 

                _‘Who’s fucking idea was this?!’_  Jasper folded her arms on the side of the canoe and buried her head in them. 

                Jameela looked down at her fitted top and matching _lavalava_ and gave her a smug smile.  Okay, yeah, Jasper couldn’t pin this one on her alter ego…all Jameela had wanted was to jump in; Jasper alone had removed her clothes.

                “Avert your eyes!”  Masina commanded.  “Go on to the village – we’ll be there later.” 

The roar of the motorboat speeding off grew softer, but Jasper didn’t raise her head until she felt a firm slap of a wooden paddle on her ass.  “You actually…” 

Masina stood there, dark eyes gazing at her disapprovingly and Jasper believed she saw a flicker of the young woman she’d been in her mother’s stories.  “Get dressed.”

Jasper quickly pulled on her clothes and sat down to pull her hair up.  “You really _sasa’d_ me with your oar.” 

                The older woman laughed loudly.  “I keep my promises.”

                 “Hey, did Grandma ever hit my mom with a coconut?” 

                Another hearty laugh escaped Masina’s throat.  “I almost forgot about that.  We were about twelve or thirteen and…well, I do forget what she did, but Mom told her to go get a coconut branch to use as a switch.  Penina returns with crocodile tears in her eyes with a coconut and says ‘you can just throw this at me if you want to hurt me…’  Mom picks it up, looks at it then – SMACK – got her right up the head.  I’ve never seen my sister so shocked.  Whatever she did that day, I’m sure she never did it again.”

                It took another hour of rowing and conversations before they arrived at the dock of the village on Savai’i.  Jasper jumped out and tied the canoe to a post before helping her aunt out.  She noticed Masina wince as she stepped up onto the dock.  “You okay?” 

                “My knees give me trouble from time-to-time.  One of the pitfalls of getting old.”

                “Getting old sounds fun,” Jasper said, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

                Masina shrugged as she walked alongside Jasper.  “Beats the alternative.” 

                “You mean find the Fountain of Youth and live forever?” she asked with a hopeful grin. 

                “If you manage that, let me know.”  She chuckled then sighed as they entered the village.  “This place has changed since I was a girl.  There weren’t any modern buildings except the church – actually, it was a lot like Apolima.  Maybe that’s why I like living there so much.” 

                “Does coming back ever make you think of the past?  I mean is it hard, because if I had to go back to the prison…”

                “It was difficult at first, but most of the people who had scorned me were still here and the village looked very much the same.  Now many of those people are gone and after multiple typhoons and even a tsunami or two, it’s different.” 

                Jasper imagined what the prison might look like now if it was abandoned, though that was in an arid environment, so it might be a little sandier, but not much different unless a bomb had fallen on it.  They made their way up the path to the guest _fale_ behind Rangi’s house where they found Opeli and Penina weaving baskets.  “We’re back.” 

                “You were gone?”  Penina asked. 

                “Yeah, overnight in Apolima.” 

                “You ran off to another island overnight and didn’t tell me?!” 

                “That’s what you did!”  Masina exclaimed.  “Went all the way to Apia by yourself – that’s why Mom used the coconut.”  She nudged Jasper.  “Told Mom she was going shopping at the market – didn’t tell her which market.” 

                Penina stopped her weaving and placed the basket in front of her, simply staring at the sister she hadn’t seen in fifty years.  “Ma-sina…” 

                “I think that’s our cue to leave,” Opeli said.  She briefly hugged Masina then walked with Jasper down the path toward her house.  “I know – you can help me wash the floor.” 

                “Oh, can we?” Jasper feigned excitement complete with sarcastic clapping. 

                Opeli laughed.  “Your mother told me that’s your least favorite chore.  She said last year you told her you just wanted someone to wash your kitchen floor for your birthday.” 

                Actually that had been six birthdays ago.  “She showed up bright and early with a barrage of cleaning supplies.  She cleaned my whole house.  Allie was young and Bismuth was deployed…sometimes I didn’t do a very good job of keeping things clean.  She cooked up a huge dinner and then Dad and Amethyst came over – it was a really good birthday.”

                “She said your birthday is on Monday.  We’re going to have a huge _fiafia_ for you this weekend – that way everyone from Apolima can join us – even all of Moana’s daughters.” 

                Entering the house, she saw the fine mats she’d been gifted and walked over, running her hand over one of the rolled up mats.  “I don’t know what I’m going to do with these…or how to get them home.” 

                “Well, they’re rarely sold – not supposed to be – but they are sometimes traded for things – especially tattoos.  You could look into getting one – _another_ one.” 

                “I don’t know what I would get.” 

                Opeli shrugged.  “Nafanua’s club?” 

                “Would it be okay if I took a walk?”  When Opeli nodded, Jasper left, casting a glance at the guest _fale_ where her aunt and mother were talking softly.  She saw Masina gasp before putting a hand on Penina’s shoulder.  Well, it seemed they were making progress in mending whatever bridges were burned with her mother’s betrayal. 

                Jasper wandered down the beach, leaving footprints in the sand and stopped to skip a stone on the ocean waves.  She’d conquered her fear, but more than that…she knew with that hurdle cleared, something had to end and a new part of her life…of herself…had to begin.  “Jameela…” 

                She sat on her couch in the orange _puletasi_ , finger intertwined, brows knitted together as though worried or sad…maybe both _.  ‘I’m here.’_

                “I made a promise months ago.” 

                _‘I remember.’_

                “But I know now – you’re the truest part of myself.  I look in on you and your confidence…your craziness…and I know that I want those things to be a part of me – not a separate part, but…” 

                _‘Then you have kept your promise.’_   Jameela smiled sadly. 

                “The truth is everything I’ve been through – in my entire life – but especially in the last year or so has brought me to this point.”  The ocean squiggled as Jasper’s eyes filled with tears.  “I know who I am.  I am the daughter of Fetuao and Penina – an American, a veteran – a widow, a mother – a lover –  but all these things don’t define me.  I am that true, deep part of myself that brims with femininity and compassion and confidence.  I denied it for so long, but you’ve always been there inside me.  Now I’ve flown over oceans…crossed the horizon…to find this.”  She took a few steps in the damp sand and allowed the waves to flow over her feet.  “They tried to take you from me, but they can’t take my spirit.”  She smiled – an actual grin came to her face even as she wiped away her tears.  “I know who I am!” 

                _‘Who you truly are.’_

                “I am Jasper Nafanua Palamo!” she shouted out to the waves.

                Darkness crept in erasing the prison room from her mind and edged in on Jameela’s sanctuary as her spirit took a deep breath and released it as she closed her eyes for the last time.  Jasper felt it…felt her filling her heart, her chest with warmth, spreading through her entire body as the apartment went black and ceased to exist while her spirit returned to her, all the way to her fingertips and her toes.  She’d kept her promise and now Jameela would never be separated from her again. 

                She was a warrior. 

                She was a woman. 

                She was complete.

*

                Jasper knew she’d never forget Samoa – her experiences there and the people she met would always be a part of her.  She flexed her shoulders, the tender skin on her back stinging slightly as her new tattoo healed.  The master had finished it – stretching traditional designs that looked like waves and braided rope across her upper back and placing Nafanua’s club in the middle.  The bus she was on hit something in the road – a rock, an animal – she didn’t turn her head to look. 

                “Was the music on these buses always this loud?”  Masina asked from the seat in front of her.

                “It’s not the volume – the songs have just gotten more annoying,” Penina explained over the pop song streaming through the speakers. 

                And if she hadn’t been sitting with a small silver box in her lap, Jasper may have laughed, but her fingers stroked the smooth metal as she remembered that this important task was one of the reasons she came in the first place.  Onike sat next to her and squeezed her shoulder gently.  They’d had multiple conversations over the past few days, especially about Fetuao and Jasper smiled at the memories she had of her father.  She turned on her phone and flipped to a photo of the two of them taken at the anniversary party.  She still remembered the sound of his voice and feeling of his arms around her and his laugh whenever he’d tell a particularly bad pun.  She knew he’d always have a place in her heart, but as the bus rolled to a stop and the driver yelled out that they’d arrived at their destination, she knew she also had to say goodbye. 

                As soon as they approached, the sound of rushing water greeted her and she watched as it reached up for the heavens.  If this was the entrance to the spirit world, then it was the perfect place to scatter her father’s ashes.  They walked out to a ledge overlooking the beach, the ocean, standing on deep, dark volcanic rock, the waves crashing below them.  This looked like a place her father would have liked.  The others were looking at her expectantly – her brother who had never known his father, Aunt Masina whose eyes reflected with love she’d once shared with Fetuao and her mother whose pained and confused expression made it seem as if she’d just been told that day her husband was gone. 

                Jasper cleared her throat.  “I’ve thought about what I can say, but I only come back to basics – Dad was a wonderful husband and father…and grandfather.  He was a veteran who fought bravely in Vietnam.  Those were labels – his spirit, his _mana_ – made him the wonderful person he was and there aren’t enough words to describe how amazing he was or how much we loved him.  When he and Mom raised us, they were our Samoa – the links to the place where they came from – where they met and hoped maybe to return someday.  So, we’re all here today to return my father to Samoa.” 

                Slowly she lifted the lid and took out the bag inside filled with gray ash – it was the last tangible evidence her father had been here.  Briefly she hugged it to her chest.  “I love you, Dad.”  The wind picked up as her fingers clutched the bag and she slowly shook it, setting him free.  The ashes floated on the wind, swirling down to where the water rushed into the crevices of the rocks returning his spirit to _pulotu_. 

*

                “Jasper…” 

                She felt someone poking her shoulder in an attempt to wake her and groaned lightly.  Was it Allie?  Was it another soldier?  Were they under attack?

                “Jasper…”

                Neither Allie nor a soldier would call her by her first name and as the gentle lapping of waves found her ears and a cool breeze blew through the open structure.  Her groggy mind struggled, but she remembered where she was. 

                “Jasper…”

                “Yeah, Mom?” 

                Her head was moved, laid gently in her mother’s lap as though she was little again.  “I wanted to tell you something before I forgot.” 

                Jasper’s tired eyes glanced at her phone.  “At five in the morning?” 

                Penina stroked her hair soothingly.  “Happy birthday.” 

                And suddenly she couldn’t be mad at her mom.  She imagined Penina having set an alarm on her phone as though to remind herself, but she likely didn’t need one.  She still remembered Jasper…she hadn’t forgotten giving birth or the years of raising her.  “Thanks.”

                “I can’t believe you’re thirty-five.” 

                Eh, she’d take it and just let her mom believe that instead of correcting her.  Besides, she could pass for thirty-five, right? 

                “I want to take you somewhere.  Get dressed.”

                “Now?” 

                “Yes.” 

                Jasper groaned and supposed she could take a nap later on in the heat of the day when others seemed to settle down for a little sleep.  She quickly got dressed and pulled her hair back, careful to make as little noise as possible so she didn’t wake Masina who was still snoring lightly.  She followed her mother out of the _fale_ and through the village to the beach where the stars were being chased away as the sun painted the sky shades of pink and orange. 

                “You know, this is one of the first places in the world to greet the new day.  I wanted you to see the first light on your birthday.” 

                “Yeah, but doesn’t it rise over Upolu first?” 

                “Shut up and look at the sun.”

                She’d seen several sunrises in her life, but as the light sparkled on the ocean and the colors gave way to blue as the sun bathed the land in warmth, she was thankful for this one.  She recalled her mother telling her how she was born early…how small she was and how they weren’t sure she’d even survive.  And here she was – forty-one years later – a little worse for wear, but still alive.  Jasper buried her feet in the sand as the wind blew through her hair.  Birds cried in the air and she thought about how her aunt described the ocean as teeming with life.  As healthy as she was, she could make it to ninety…heck, maybe a hundred.  She still had a lot of life left to live. 

                Penina leaned her head against Jasper’s shoulder.  “Promise me you’ll share this is Allie someday.” 

                “When she can tear herself away from a screen, sure.”

                “And Amethyst – she should visit someday.” 

                “We’ll do a sister’s trip.”  It was hard to believe she only had another few days here before heading home, but planned to soak up as much tropical sunshine as she could before heading home where snow was only weeks away.  “After all, I’m sure she’ll want to meet her brother.” 

                She was going to miss this, but more she missed her family back home.  She couldn’t wait to hug Allie and hear about all the things she’d done over the last two weeks.  Once back in the _fale_ , Jasper opened her phone to Facebook and saw one message on her wall from Lacy: ‘I think it’s your birthday there by now’ followed by a gif of someone getting spanked.

                Scrolling through, she saw a photo of a 3D ultrasound from Amethyst with the caption: ‘I paid $150 to look at Tani in the womb.’  Jasper laughed, but the baby did look like Tani with the round face and the shape of his nose.   ‘Can’t wait to meet the little guy.  Taking name suggestions – NOT Tanielu!’

                Another status:  ‘School counselor thinks Crystal may have ADHD…I could have told them that without all the testing.  Tani says she’s just a free spirit.  That free spirit is grounded for cutting up my favorite red satin sheets and making herself a cape.’

                There were a few pictures of Allie at her karate class and one of her with Amethyst captioned: ‘My pretty niece getting so tall!’

                Some may have described Samoa as paradise and she was sure that it was to some, but Jasper knew that no matter how much she complained about her job or classes or the weather there, she knew no greater paradise than her own home.

*

                It was afternoon the next day when she finally joined the women for basket weaving.  Penina finished one and showed it to Jasper.  “We use these for everything.” 

                “I’ve noticed.  Mine isn’t turning out so good.”  Jasper’s had uneven gaps and pieces of coconut frond sticking out.  “I guess I never was domestically gifted.” 

                “You are exactly who you’re meant to be and I love you.”  Penina squeezed her shoulder before rising to her feet and started making her way out of the _fale_.  She rested a hand on one of the beams and moaned lightly holding her head with the other hand. 

                “Mom, you okay?”  Jasper rushed to her side, followed closely by Masina. 

                Penina’s brows furrowed together and she opened her mouth as though she wanted to say something, but couldn’t find the words.  She made eye contact with Jasper for a second before collapsing. 

                “Mom!”  Jasper knelt down and found she was breathing.  She noticed Opeli run off for help, but what were they going to do.  Her mom had said there was only one doctor’s office nearby.  Then she realized that was fifty years ago.  “Aunt Masina, is there a hospital nearby?” 

                “Yes – two villages over.”  

                There was still the problem of how they would get her there.  It could be she was just dehydrated, but somehow Jasper felt it was more than that.  It may have only been minutes but felt like hours before Opeli ran back in.  “I called an ambulance.” 

                Jasper gave silent thanks for the modernization, though it still took what seemed like forever before the ambulance arrived and she was disappointed to find out there was not room for her in the back.  “What…do I just wait for a bus?!  This is my mother!”

                Rangi rushed over.  “The high chief’s son has a truck – he says he’ll take you and Masina.” 

                “Thank you…thank you.” 

                The ride took about twenty minutes and was cramped as there wasn’t much room in the front of the truck.  Jasper had to sit awkwardly in the middle seat keeping her legs open and her _lavalava_ pulled up so the driver could reach the gear shift.  “You touch anything else and it’s lights out, got it?”

                Upon arriving, they ran in through emergency services, her aunt taking a moment to catch her breath.  “Jasper, I know you’re an athlete and you’re worried, but I’m old and your mom is in good hands.” 

                Jasper spoke with a nurse and gave her a list of Penina’s medications as well as her medical history.  Time ticked away as they sat in a waiting area for almost an hour before a doctor came to see her.  “She’s awake, she seems confused and her speech is slow.  We believe she may have had a stroke, or perhaps several small ones.” 

                “You believe?   You mean you don’t _know_?” 

                “You’re American, correct?” 

                “Yes, but what does that have to do with anything?!”

                Masina placed a comforting hand on her shoulder.  “Jasper, he is trying to help, calm down.” 

                The doctor took a breath.  “We don’t have the necessary imaging technology to confirm this – only basic tests.  We could send her to Apia, but that may be expensive, not to mention a taxing trip for her only to confirm what we know already.” 

                “She has Alzheimer’s, so that could explain the confusion.  She takes medication for it, but it doesn’t always seem to help.” 

                “It’s possible this could exacerbate her dementia.  In fact, I’m pretty sure it has.  She mentioned wanting to see her sister, but when I told her that her daughter was also here…” he paused before continuing, “…she said she had no children.” 

                It hit her like a cold wave.  What should have taken months or years had been done in minutes because of a stroke.  “But she knew me…just two hours ago…she…she can’t have forgotten.” 

                “We don’t know if it’s temporary or not, but my guess is that it’s permanent.  The mind has a hard time healing itself especially in patients who already have memory loss.” 

                “We’re supposed to go home in two days.” 

                The doctor cleared his throat and looked at his chart.  “As far as she knows, this is home.  From the short conversation we had, she says she’s never been to the United States.” 

                Jasper felt like the anger in her was going to burst out like lava from a volcano, but she took a few deep breaths in an attempt to calm herself.  “She’s lived there almost the past fifty years.  She built an entire life there – she has kids and grandkids…”  A prickling sensation settled behind her eyes.  This was impossible.  She’d go in there – that’s what she’d do – she’d go in and her mother would have to recognize her.  “She’s supposed to go home…”

                “With all due respect, I don’t think putting her on a plane for thirty hours and taking her to a country she doesn’t recognize is a very smart idea right now.  I’ll take you to see her.”

                Jasper followed him into a room where her mom was sitting up in bed talking to a nurse, until she noticed the visitors.  “Masina – I was so scared!” 

                Masina smiled and reached for her hand.  “It’s okay; you’re safe now.”

                Penina smiled at her.  “Grandma.  You look so healthy.” 

                “Grandma?”  Masina asked.  “Penina, how are you feeling?” 

                “Very tired and still scared.  I don’t know why I’m here.  Did I have my purse with me?”

                “Your purse?” 

                “My coconut purse.  I had at least ten _tala_ in there and I want to make sure they didn’t steal it.”  Penina looked at Jasper again and squinted her eyes.  “Wait…you’re not my sister.” 

                “No, I’m your daughter.” 

                Penina laughed.  “I don’t have children, especially none your age.”

                Disbelief filled her.  Her mother really had forgotten and she wasn’t sure whether to try and get her to remember or if that would only confuse and anger her more.  She looked at her aunt in desperation.

                Masina put an arm around her niece.  “Sis, this is Jasper.  She’s a family member visiting all the way from America.” 

                Penina wrinkled her nose.  “Your name is so…rough-sounding for a woman.” 

                Jasper realized that to try and fix this wouldn’t be beneficial for any of them, so she smiled hoping it would put her mother at ease.  “Well, my middle name is Nafanua – you can call me that if it’s easier.” 

                “That’s so much prettier.”  Her mother played with a loose thread on the sheet.  “When can I go home?  Mom probably needs help around the house.” 

                “It’ll probably be tomorrow,” Masina told her softly.  “The doctor wants to make sure you’re feeling better.  Can’t have you fainting on us again.  Let’s see if I can’t find you something to eat and you can visit with Nafanua for a while.”

                Jasper took a seat in a chair next to the bed, unsure of what to say.  She’d lost all the history they shared together.  “So, you’ve never been to America?” 

                “No, but I hear about it on the news – especially the war.  It’s a horrible war.” 

                “I agree.  I’ve been over there.” 

                “You have?  I knew they were drafting people, but women?  Or were you a nurse?” 

                They were not discussing the same war.  She reached out and held her mother’s hand, noticing the wrinkled skin and prominent veins despite Penina thinking she was somewhere in her early twenties.  Her response had to be appropriate for the time period her mother thought it was.  “Yeah, I was a nurse over there.”

                “I’m a nurse.  I work for Dr. Afoa.  Am I supposed to be working today?  I should probably call him.” 

                Yeah, except the man was long dead.  “He knows – it’s okay.  He said to take all the time you need to get better.” 

                Penina smiled.  “He’s a really good man.”

                In that moment, Jasper realized she must’ve completely forgotten about Dr. Bruce – for her, that experience had never happened.  Jasper would likely never know what happened to him, but hoped he’d been beheaded in some freak boomerang accident or trampled by a herd of kangaroos.  While they waited, they talked and Jasper found herself answering questions her mother should have known like if she has kids or was married.  Masina returned a while later with fresh fruit and bottled water. 

                “Will you stay?  I should call Amethyst.” 

                Her aunt nodded and as Jasper left she heard her mom ask who Amethyst was.  She looked at her phone and converted the time.  It was nearly ten at night back in New York and she hoped Amethyst was awake.  She didn’t even want to think about how expensive this phone call would be.  That’s when she realized the hospital had wifi.  “Thank God for technology,” she muttered as she connected to it and logged into Facebook to see Amethyst was still online.

                Amethyst accepted the video call and smiled broadly.  “Hey, sis!  How is Samoa?” 

                “It’s been…great, um…”

                “You should have called earlier – Allie’s in bed, though I guess I could wake her for this…”

“No, you don’t have to.”

“Hey, hey – turn the phone – show me the beach.  Let me live vicariously.” 

                Jasper sighed and leaned against the wall.  “Ames, I’m at the hospital with Mom.” 

                Her expression fell.  “What’s wrong?” 

                “They…uh…they think she had a stroke – a minor one, or maybe several minor ones, but they don’t have advanced medical equipment to do like a scan of her brain or anything.  She’s awake and confused – she thinks she’s somewhere around twenty years old.” 

                Amethyst covered her eyes with her hand and was silent for a moment before speaking.  “What does that mean?  I mean…with her memory?” 

                “She thinks Aunt Masina is her grandmother and she doesn’t recognize me at all.  She doesn’t remember Dad…or America…” 

                Her sister’s eyes were bright with tears.  “Or me?”  She broke down crying when Jasper nodded.  “I had a bad feeling…I knew I should have told you guys not to go, but Mom was so excited.” 

                 “There’s something else – the doctor here doesn’t feel it’s a good idea to send Mom home.” 

                “She can’t just not come home!  She needs to be here with her family and with everything familiar!” 

                Jasper’s voiced cracked.  “It’s not familiar to her anymore.  As far as she knows, she’s twenty years old and has never left Samoa.  If we put her on a plane and send her home then she’s going to be surrounded by people and things she no longer recognizes.” 

                “She can’t stay there – with strangers!” 

                “They aren’t…they’re family.  I haven’t even asked them yet, but I’m certain they would care for her – it’s what they do for family.”

                “I want to see her.” 

                “Hold on.”  Jasper walked the short way down the hall and came into the room where Penina and Masina were laughing about something, which she considered a good sign.  “Hi, I have someone from America who wants to say hello.  This might look a little weird.”  She held up the cell phone and watched her mom’s eyes widen in amazement.  “This is my sister, Amethyst.” 

                Amethyst waved.  “I miss you.” 

                “Is this like a little TV?” 

                “Yes, but it’s not a recording, you’re actually talking to her,” Jasper explained. 

                “She’s in America?” 

                “Yes.  She’s part of your family.” 

                “She looks like Grandma’s sister.”

                “I know you don’t remember me,” Amethyst said, her voice thick as though she was trying not to cry.  “But I remember you and I just wanted to tell you I miss you and love you.  As soon as I can I’m going to come to Samoa to see you, okay?”

                Penina smiled and nodded, though there was still no recognition in her eyes.  “I hope you do.  It’s nice here.” 

                Jasper pulled the phone away when she heard Amethyst break down and retreated from the room, hearing Penina ask if she said something wrong and Masina assuring her she didn’t.  Back in the hall, she looked at the phone again to see Amethyst wiping away tears.  Tani had appeared beside her, his arm around her shoulders comfortingly.  “As soon as I have this baby I’m going there to see her.” 

                She didn’t have the heart to tell Amethyst that she’d be way too busy with a newborn to even think of going on a vacation so far away.  In fact, if her mother didn’t remember to take her medication, she may not even be alive by the time the baby was born.  “We’ll have to plan something.  The doctor said there’s a slight chance the condition could improve, but not likely.” 

                “Are you planning to fly back on time?” 

                “I don’t see how I can’t.  I can’t afford to change my flight and I can’t miss more school.” 

                “I’ll pay the difference in your flight.  And school?  She is your _mother_.” 

                “And she doesn’t _know_ that.   I’ll talk with our relatives here, but it’s very likely she’ll be staying.  I’ll call you tomorrow and let you know.” 

                “Okay.” 

                “And when Allie wakes up, tell her I love her.” 

                “I will.” 

                Jasper ended the call and slid down the side of the wall, hugging her knees to her chest.  Her thoughts went back to the day her father passed away and how shocked she’d been.  Her mother might still be alive, but in many ways the woman in that room was no longer her mother.  Unlike when she’d been told of deaths in the past, she didn’t scream, but buried her face in her arms and quietly sobbed. 

                She looked up when someone sat next to her and felt the comforting arm of her aunt around her.  “I…I knew it was coming…I just didn’t think it would be now.”

                “I’m sorry, Jasper.” 

                “I don’t know if leaving her here is the right thing to do…I feel like I’m just abandoning her.” 

                “You know her better than I do anymore, so you need to think about what she would want.” 

                “How is she doing?” 

                “Said she wanted ice cream – I told her we’d see what we can do.  She’s sleeping now.”

                Jasper wiped her tears away and sighed.  “I know she wanted to be scattered here with Dad when she died.  She mentioned at one point joining him sooner by going off her meds.  She said she didn’t want to be a burden on me or Amethyst.” 

                “How long could she make it without her medication?” 

                “A couple of months maybe as long as her diabetes was well managed with diet.  Ice cream would not be a good idea on the regular.  Low sodium foods would be best for her blood pressure.  If she were on her meds she’d have longer, but her Alzheimer’s will continue to get worse.  After what she did to you, you’d really be willing to help her?  To care for her as she forgets everything – possibly even how to walk or communicate…how to use the bathroom.” 

                “We’ve had elderly people with memory problems before, but we care for our own – for our families.”  Masina squeezed her shoulder.  “I forgave Penina a long time ago and I will care for her along with Onike and Moana.  She’ll be cared for and loved no matter what happens – it’s _fa’a Samoa_ – the Samoan way.” 

                “So, you would take her to Apolima.” 

                Masina nodded.  “It’s close to how a village would have been fifty years ago – that’s probably where she’ll feel most at home.  And don’t worry about the citizenship stuff…no one will come looking for her there.” 

                Great, her mother was going to die an illegal alien in a country she’d left decades ago.  “I just didn’t expect this now…” 

                “I know.”  She rubbed Jasper’s back soothingly.  “Do you need anything right now?” 

                “No – I should just stay with her.”  Jasper stood and then helped her aunt stand, thankful Masina was still in pretty good health.  She made her way back to the room and sat in the chair next to the bed, taking her mom’s hand gently.  This may be the right thing to do – it may be what her mother wanted.  She sighed.  It was still a lousy situation.

*

                Jasper’s things were packed and she was giving everyone final hugs good-bye.  She thought about the ferry ride back to Apia…the empty seat that would be on the plane next to her for the entire thirty-hour ride.  She imagined everyone at home she’d have to tell.  She wasn’t sure exactly what Amethyst had told Allie and Crystal.  She hugged Rangi and Opeli and thanked them for everything, giving them a bit of money.  She also spoke to Onike and gave him some money as well.  “I’ll…uh…I’ll send some every month – to help with expenses.”

                “I’ll make sure she takes her medication and I’ll be in regular touch with Rangi so he can give you updates.   You’ll tell Amethyst about me?” 

                Jasper hugged him.  “Of course – maybe she’ll come with me next time.”

                The last person she said good-bye to was her mother.  “I’m going back now.” 

                “I made you a basket to help carry your things.”  Penina showed her the basket proudly. 

                “Thank you.”  She’d have some time in Apia where she could find a post office and mail it home.  Would fresh coconut fronds even make it through customs?  “Can I give you a hug?” 

                “Of course – we’re family after all.”  Penina hugged her tightly.

                Jasper knew this would probably be the last time.  “I’ll miss you.”  Then with no sound, she mouthed: “I love you, Mom.”

                As she left the _fale_ with her aunt beside her, she willed herself not to cry – there would likely be enough tears when she arrived home.  She was grateful Masina was accompanying her at least to the ferry.  She would have liked to talk to her, but the music on the bus was pretty loud.  It wasn’t until they were at the ferry terminal that they embraced for a long time.  “You take care of my mom, okay?” 

                “I will.” 

                Maybe this was best after all.  Jasper had over forty years with her mother; Masina had missed out on fifty years of bonding.  Now her mother would have her sister with her for whatever amount of time she had left.  She was in a place she recognized with people who loved her.  She’d have fresh food and sunshine until the day she passed away.  Truthfully, it wasn’t a bad way to go.

                It hadn’t ended the way she thought, but she had her _mana_ back.  That inner spirit and power she’d once called Jameela was forever a part of her and she was going home complete in the knowledge of who she was.  Whatever lay ahead for her, she was ready to face it.

*

                Masina would think about the ferry pulling away from the dock the entire way home.  She had her reservations about Jasper going home, but her sister was with her and it truly was better this way.  Arriving back at the village, she found Penina sitting in the _fale_ softly crying, Opeli rubbing her back.  “Oh, see, Nina – she’s back.  No need to worry.”

                Her sister was in her arms in an instant.  “I was scared you weren’t coming back.” 

                “I know…I know…”  She looked at Opeli.  “It’s okay, I got her.” 

                As soon as the other woman left, Penina pulled away and wiped the tears from her eyes.  “Did Jasper get on the ferry okay?” 

                “Yeah.  And you’re not just crying because I left, are you?” 

                Penina let out a sigh.  “I know I hurt her…it seems to be what I do…”

                “You don’t have to tell me.”

                “I just can’t be burden to her.  Letting go…leaving her life this way is better than the alternative.”

                “I understand – I mean, I don’t necessarily agree with deceiving her…”

                Penina smiled sadly.  “You don’t know Jasper.  She’d never let me stay – she’d fight me on it.  This was the only way to do it.  I’m a lot more like her than she thinks…and I’m going to live the end of my life on my own terms.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cried multiple times writing this - especially when Jameela left for good. I honestly had intended something different and much darker for her, but I fell in love with her as a character, however, for Jasper to full heal and become complete, we had to say goodbye. 
> 
> Next chapter we return to the US and more adventures await.


	29. May I?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some NSFW in this one! ;) 
> 
> Thanks to my beta Tusked Lioness not only for beta-ing most of this fic thus far (and the few chapters remaining), but also for inspiring the "lemon bar" scene.

** Chapter 28 – May I?  **

                The way Allie hugged her when she arrived home reminded her of returning after a long deployment.  She kissed her daughter’s forehead and smoothed her hair.  “How’ve Amethyst and Tani been treating you?” 

                “Good.  I taught Uncle Tani how to play chess.” 

                “He’s smart enough to learn?” 

                “He’s not that great, but he’s getting better.  I also help Crystal with her homework – she’s way ahead in her workbook in both math and reading.  I mean it’s kindergarten, so it’s not like it’s hard…” 

                “I know it doesn’t seem hard to you, but it’s all new to her.  And how is school going for you?” 

                “Good.  I got an A on my history test.  Oh, and Peedee asked me to go to the Halloween dance with him…like, a date…is that okay?” 

                So, it was beginning.  Jasper hoisted her suitcase on the bed and opened it.  “I think I would like to meet him first.” 

                “Skylar’s mom is one of the chaperones.” 

                “She always is.” 

                “The theme is Disney.” 

                “How many times are they going to use that theme?” 

                Allie sat on the bed and shrugged.  “I guess it’s kid-friendly, though some of those movies are pretty dark.  I’m still not over _Bambi_.”

                Jasper handed her a coconut purse, a blue _lavalava_ and a woven fan.  “Those are for you.  So, who have you and Peedee decided to dress up as?” 

                “Thanks!”  Allie opened the purse and extracted the five _tala_ her mother had tucked in there.  “Cool.  Even though the theme is Disney, we still want to go as Wonder Woman and Thor.” 

                “Well, you don’t have to conform to the theme.” 

                 “Yeah, they have a costume at the Halloween Store.” 

                “We’ll go shopping soon.”  Holy fuck…her daughter had a date?!  At twelve?!  Jasper didn’t date until she was sixteen when her curves had caught up with her height and her braces came off.  Oh God, she thought about what she’d started doing with boys once her braces were gone.  “Um, I think we should talk before your date.” 

                “About what?” 

                “You know that when you’re ready to explore certain feelings…”

                “Mom, ew!”

                “Just be safe.  You know, oral sex is still sex.” 

                Allie jumped up off the bed.  “Gross!  I’m not doing that – _ever_.” 

                “Yeah, I said the same thing at twelve – Lacy and I thought dick sucking was funny.  Things change.”  She remembered how Allie was suspended from school and the discussion she’d had with Lacy.  Jasper patted the bed.  “I do need to talk to you about something – before you ever think about having sex.” 

                “What about?”  Allie asked, sitting down again.

                “Consent.”  If she was going to have to talk about it in front of her daughter’s school, she might as well start with her.  “As you grow up, you may find yourself in a position where someone may be asking or even pressuring you for sex and I want you to know you have the right to tell them no.  If your partner tells you no, you have the responsibility to respect that.  You understand?” 

                “Like how I told Trevor ‘no’?” 

                “Yes.  He was wrong not to listen and maybe no one has had this talk with him yet.  In a few weeks, Lacy and I are going to talk at an assembly in front of everyone to spread this message and hopefully everyone will listen.” 

                “Because of what Trevor did?” 

                “Partly, but also because of something that happened to me.”  God, she never actually thought she’d discuss this with Allie, but she’d find out sooner or later.  “When I was twenty-two, a man I worked with asked if he could have sex with me and I told him no.  He didn’t respect that and he did it anyway.” 

                Allie was quiet for a few moments, her fingers fiddling with the corner of the _lavalava_.  “You mean he raped you?”

                For a second, she wanted to ask how Allie even knew about that, but then remembered a conversation where Allie had brought up the sex trade.  Apparently her daughter knew more about the world than she gave her credit for.  “Yes.  I wasn’t the same for a long time.  I felt I had failed somehow – that it was my fault.  It took months for me to admit to myself or anyone else what had actually happened.” 

                “What happened was he was an asshole.”  Allie gave her a hug.  “I’m sorry, Mom.” 

                “It’s okay…well, I mean, _it_ wasn’t okay…but I’m okay.”  She let go and took a breath.  “If anyone – God forbid – ever does anything like that to you, I want you to tell me or your aunt or someone you trust, okay.  I want you to know no matter what the circumstance, no matter what you were doing or how you were acting, you will not be in trouble and is never your fault.” 

                “Can I fight them?” 

                “If you have the presence of mind to do so, then you fight as hard as you can.” 

                “I hope it never happens to me.” 

                Jasper squeezed her hand.  “I hope it doesn’t either.  That’s why Lacy and I are giving this talk to your schoolmates.  This is the time – young as you are – and if we can get the message across and prevent it from happening, then it’s worth it.  You are worth it.”

*

                That evening Jasper brought out photos she’d had taken of herself when she was at her fittest.  She’d been twenty-six and had prepared for months to do a marathon with Bismuth.  Lean proteins, lots of vegetables – depriving herself, driving herself to run faster…further.  The photo of her in spandex shorts and a sports bra showed off her six pack, her biceps and thighs and calves – all toned and ready for the run of her life.  Her breasts had diminished by a cup size as fat fell away and she’d been a svelte 170 pounds instead of hovering around her usual 180.  It was the only time in her life she’d been able to eek her BMI down into a ‘healthy’ weight.  She’d looked fantastic, but had felt ravenous all the time.  Bismuth would insist they run and eat salad with chicken when she just wanted a big, fat steak.  Still living in the barracks, she’d considered stopping at a fast food place and stuffing herself with fries, but that almost felt like she’d be cheating on him. 

                She flipped through the boudoir photos she’d had done a few years after Allie was born, she’d dropped the baby weight, but her figure had filled out a bit especially in her hips and breasts.  She recalled having trouble staying under 180, the point at which the military said she was overweight, giving no consideration to her muscles or the fact that she’d had two babies. 

                “Well, one wasn’t really a baby, was it?” her commanding officer had asked. 

                Jerk.  It had taken everything in her not to yell at him.  She appreciated a photo of her in a short, sleeveless camouflage dress.  She’d been wearing a green cap and holding a riding crop.  She remembered when Bismuth had come home from deployment and asked if she still had that particular outfit.  He’d still found her beautiful even with her imperfections.  When they’d made love, she’d felt no shame in being naked in front of him.

                She pulled out her cell phone and found a picture of her with her aunt.  She’d weighed herself that morning and had come back from Samoa, her feminine curves having filled out to put her just under 195.  A quick Google search revealed that put her BMI at ‘overweight’.

                Jasper sighed and clicked off her phone.  “BMI is stupid.”  

                Standing, she pulled her clothes off and looked at her figure in front of the mirror.  Of course it had changed; she had changed.  She wondered what Greg would think…well, he hadn’t complained when she’d taken her shirt off.  She sat on the bed again and imagined what it might be like to have him hold her…to touch her.  She knew they’d been together before, but years had passed.  Neither of them were the same…not physically, not emotionally…their lives were very different after nearly two decades.  However, their lives also seemed very compatible now.

                Jasper picked her phone back up and highlighted Greg’s name, pressing to call him.  “Hey, Greg.” 

                “Hey, you’re back.  How was Samoa?” 

                “It was beautiful…we should get together soon and I’ll tell you all about it over dinner…maybe some wine…” 

                “And after?” his voice was suggestive. 

                “Well, if the kids want to have a movie night at your place, we could have dinner here – alone.”

                “I’ll make sure they have a few movies lined up to watch.  Tomorrow work?” 

                She only had a half day of classes and no appointments at the gym.  She could do her homework in the afternoon and cook something simple.  “Perfect.”

                “I missed you Jasper.” 

                “I missed you too.”  Her heart fluttered as she said goodbye and she couldn’t stop smiling until the moment she went to sleep.

*

                Jasper decided candles were a little too much, but she spread a tablecloth over the table and made it look fancy enough with placemats and two plates that at least matched each other.  She poured wine and plated spaghetti, garnishing it with parsley, then plucked the green vegetable off because it looked ridiculous.  Greg wasn’t coming over for spaghetti anyway. 

                She smoothed the front of her red va-va-voom dress as the doorbell rang.  It felt a little tight particularly in the rear and hips, but that only accentuated what she had behind her. 

                Greg’s eyes widened when she opened the door.  “Wow…you look amazing.” 

                “Thank you.”  She embraced him and kissed him deeply. 

                “Well, I’m underdressed.”  He looked down at his jean shorts and white tank top.  

                Jasper laughed as they walked into the kitchen.  “So, what movies are the kids watching?” 

                “Just one – _Titanic_ – I figured it’s three hours long, so that gives us plenty of time.  I hope you don’t mind Allie seeing partial nudity.”

                “Pffft – I’ve seen that movie.  Rose’s boob isn’t all that.”

                Over dinner, she told Greg all about her adventures in Samoa.  “God, it was just so beautiful and everyone was friendly and welcoming.  I hope I can save money to take Allie someday.  There’s something empowering about visiting a place your ancestors are from.  I told Allie I was taking her to Africa next year.  You should have seen her face.”  She laughed along with Greg.  “She says: ‘Mom, there’s a reason Dad’s ancestors left Africa.’” 

                “What did you tell her?” 

                “I said: ‘guess what, Allie, it wasn’t exactly voluntary’.”

                “Oh boy.  So, she knows nothing about that?” 

                “I know she knows about slavery, but I’m not sure how in-depth she’s studied it yet.  She’s taking American History this year, so I’m pretty sure they’ll cover that and the Civil War at some point.”

                 Greg placed his silverware on his empty plate.  “So…I hope you’re not offended by this question, but are you also wearing red underwear?”

                Jasper leaned back in her chair, her arm draped over the back of it and a sly smile playing on her lips.  “You’re assuming I’m wearing underwear…”

                “Oh wow…I…uh…I want to make love to you.” 

                She drained the wine from her glass.  “Good, we’re agreed on that then, but I don’t like euphemisms, so how about we fuck instead?”

                “Like rabbits?” 

                “Rabbits are quiet – I assure you I’m not.”  Jasper rose from her chair and took his hand, leading him through the house and to her room.  “Anything I should know ahead of time?  Likes?  Dislikes?  Absolutely nots?”

                “I like having my ears nibbled and my hair pulled.” 

                “That makes two of us.”

                “I don’t mind butt stuff, but just warn a guy first.  I mean I’m up for a birthday horn up there, but don’t surprise me with it.” 

                “I’m fresh out of birthday horns, but I’ll keep that in mind.  My backdoor is an exit only – period, full stop – don’t even ask, it’s a no.”

                “And I don’t mind a firm spanking, you know.”  Greg winked. 

                “Oh how firm?  Like this?”  Jasper swatted him on the butt. 

                “Harder…”

                “Harder?  Have you been bad?”  Smack!  “Have you been a naughty boy?!”  Smack!  She almost laughed at how ridiculous she felt, but Greg appeared to be enjoying it.

                “God…hmmm…”

                Jasper curled her fingers in his hair and leaned in close to his ear while tugging his head back.  “I’m not even sure God can save you from this punishment.” 

                “Not sure I want Him to…”  Greg gasped as Jasper’s teeth nipped at the top of his ear, gently at first then more aggressive. 

                Jasper turned him around and kissed him deeply, her tongue exploring his mouth before she pulled away after nibbling his lower lip lightly.  “No covering my mouth or holding my wrists…”

                “What about hands?”  Greg intertwined his fingers with hers.  “I like holding your hand.” 

                “Hands are fine.  Oh and _never_ call me a whore – even if you’re joking.  Otherwise anything goes and I’m always willing to try new things.”

                “How do you feel about oral?”

                “Favorable – both receiving…and giving.”  Jasper placed her hands on his shoulders and pushed him into a sitting position on the bed, kneeling down herself.  Her fingers quickly undid the fastenings of his pants and she slid his already hardened cock out.  She couldn’t say if it was the amount of alcohol she’d consumed the night they’d slept together before or if she just hadn’t paid attention, but the man was more than well endowed.  “Oh…” she breathed before sliding her tongue along the underside and then took his length into her mouth.

                Greg moaned deeply, his fingers intertwining in her hair, squeezing assertively as she bobbed her head up and down, her tongue swirling around his head.  She brought him in deep again and worked the soft back of her throat against his sensitive tip.  “Oh…fuck…”

                After a few moments, Jasper pulled back.  Greg cupped her cheek, stroking it gently with his thumb.  “You’re so beautiful.”

                Jasper stood and unzipped her dress, wiggling out of it, the fabric pooling on the floor at her feet.  She stood there in a bra that was little more than lace stretched over her breasts and matching panties.  

                “Not a thong girl?”

                “I believe in flossing my teeth, not my ass.”  She reached behind her, unhooking her bra before sliding off the panties and stepping out of them.  She put her hands on her hips, staring Greg down.  “So, this is me…all of me.”

                He ran his fingers along her tattoos, down her hips…brushed against the trimmed, but natural hair near her sex.  “I like you…just the way you are.” 

                “So…you’re a fan of bush?” 

                “Bare makes it look too young – I want _woman_ …mature and confident.”  He slid his fingers between her folds, finding her already slick, and gently rubbed against her clit causing her to gasp.  “What position you like?” 

                “O-on top.” 

                Greg stood, quickly undressing then wrapped his arms around Jasper, pulling her on top of him.  She kissed him, moving her mouth against his.  Running her fingers along his chest, she found his body hair masculine and sexy as she moved her hips against him.  She moved her mouth to his neck, her fingers clenching his hair.  She felt the vibration of his throat against her lips as a deep moan escaped him.  Jasper purred deep in her throat as his fingers found her nipples, rolling them and pinching them gently causing tingles throughout her body.  Greg moved his head, his lips pressing against her neck, teeth nibbling a spot that sent electricity straight through her. 

                “Oh, God…” she whispered.  She could feel a deep ache between her thighs – a need as she slid down onto his cock and heard his breath catch.  She whimpered and moved slowly up and down at first, gradually increasing speed.  Greg placed his hands on her hips, running them down her powerful thighs, caressing every muscle and reaching around grasping her ass, bringing her down harder.

                Jasper placed her hands on his chest, finding the right position for his swollen member to hit that spot inside her that made her sizzle with anticipation as the embers that had glowed between them for months ignited.  “Hnn…fuck…” she panted, picking up speed as waves of heat undulated through her.  She bit her lip to keep from crying out as they fell out of rhythm, wildly bucking against each other seeking that final explosion.  A tremor ran through her and her breath caught in her throat. 

                “Jesus, fuck!”  Greg cried out as he grabbed her arms and flipped her over, pounding into her. 

                Ordinarily, she may have been scared, but she wasn’t…there was trust here.  Jasper wanted him on her…in her…she tilted her head back and howled as her walls clamped around him and fireworks exploded behind her eyes.  His body shook above her as he grunted and then exhaled deeply before rolling off of her.  His fingers looped together with hers and they lay there panting for a few moments.  Greg moved to his side and propped himself up on his elbow, stroking her hair with his free hand.  “I love you, Jasper Cordero.” 

                “I love you too.”  She placed her hand over her pounding heart.  “Wow…”  He curled up around her, caressing her face, his fingers tracing the inked design of her shoulder, making her think of Samoa and another decision she’d come to.  “I’m changing my name.”

                “Jasper’s such a perfect name.” 

                She laughed lightly.  “No – my last name.  I’m going back to Palamo…and I’m not changing it if I get married again.  I realized I’m not the same person I was when I married my husband and if I get married again, I’m always changing…evolving, hopefully for the better.  I want to keep my family name.”

                He squeezed her hand.  “You shouldn’t have to change anything for anyone.”

                Jasper kissed his forehead, still damp with sweat and pulled him closer.  They only had about another hour alone and she planned to savor every moment just lying next to the man she loved.

*

                When she arrived at Lacy’s Thursday afternoon for a book club meeting she’d somehow gotten roped into, she wasn’t prepared for her friend to answer the door in an ice blue dress with a slit up to her mid thigh giving anyone looking a good view of her prosthetic.  “I forgot what side the slit was on, but otherwise, how does it look?”

                “The fuck is that?  Elsa?”

                “Yeah.  I ordered it back in July on the internet.  Skylar is going to be Anna.  What’s Allie dressing up as?” 

                “Wonder Woman.”

                “The theme is Disney.”

                “Disney owns Marvel, don’t they?” 

                “Wonder Woman is a DC character,” Lacy pointed out.

                “Okay, well, she’s going with Thor and I’m pretty sure he’s Marvel, so…let it go…”

                Lacy laughed as they made their way into the kitchen where the table was one again set with wine, crackers, cheese, fruit and assorted meats.  “The other ladies always bring dessert.”

                “Yeah, I brought these lemon bars.”  Jasper held up a plastic container of baked goods.  “They looked pretty good.” 

                “Helen usually brings some, but who doesn’t like lemon bars, right?  I’m gonna change into something less…sparkly…just grab a plate and put them on there.” 

                 Jasper opened a cupboard, taking down one of the fancy plates with a swirly, floral design around it and arranged the lemon bars on it, placing it on the table as Lacy breezed back into the kitchen wearing jeans and a blue top.  “So, we’re still looking for chaperones for the dance if you’re interested.” 

                Jasper chuckled.  “I can hear Allie now – ‘my mom at the dance; I will just DIE!’  Plus, I don’t have a costume.” 

                “Yeah, it’s too bad one is so hard to find this time of year.”  Lacy grabbed a corkscrew from a drawer. 

                “I don’t think I’m the Disney princess type.” 

                “You don’t have to be a princess – there are villains and sidekicks – you could even go as a guy if you want.”

                Jasper plucked a grape from the bowl and quickly popped it in her mouth as she thought about the giant fishhook still in her garage.  She was certain the rest of it was somewhere in a box.  “Well…there is one costume I have.”  Jasper sat in one of the chairs.  “Greg came over the other night.  We took things to the next level.” 

                Lacy popped the cork from a bottle and poured some wine.  “Well, I was going to ask about your vacation, but go on…”

                “It was…amazing.”  Jasper grinned and accepted a glass from Lacy.  “I haven’t had sex like that in a while.”

                “I thought you said you dated some rich guy a few months back.” 

                “Yes, but we didn’t have sex like what I had with Greg.”  She took a sip and smiled.  “It’s been a long time since I’ve made love with anyone.   It was like…if I held him close enough we’d become the same person…we connected on a deep, personal level that I’ve only ever experienced with Bismuth.  I never thought I’d get that again.”

                “Think you’ll get married again?” 

                “We’re definitely not there yet, but I wouldn’t be opposed to marriage.”  She went on to tell Lacy of her decision and the reasons why.  “Do you think that’s weird?” 

                “No.  You loved Bismuth and you’re not erasing that history.  You’re embracing who you used to be and who you are now and your relationship with him is part of that.” 

                “I wonder what his mother would say.”

                “Yeah, maybe _don’t_ tell Mama Cordero.”  Lacy shared a laugh with her.  “So, what did you think of _Fifty Shades_?” 

                Jasper flipped through the copy she had brought.  “Had some steamy passages, but it didn’t make me want to read the other two books in the series.”

                “Yeah, I wasn’t crazy about it either.  We take turns choosing the book for the month – that wasn’t my decision.  I picked the one we’re reading next.”

                The doorbell rang and Lacy went around the corner, cheerily greeting someone named Helen. 

                “So sorry I’m late.   I had to wait for the lemon bars to cool.”  The clacking of high heels hit the hardwood entrance.  “Hopefully book club goes smoothly.  I about died for you when that uncouth Cordero woman showed up…”  She rounded the corner and made a face as though someone had shoved limburger cheese under her nose.  “Mrs. Cordero…”

                “Hey, Helen, how’s it going?”  Jasper took a sip of her wine.  “And it’s Ms. Palamo now, actually.”

                She set a platter of lemon bars on the table.  “I hear you and Lacy are giving a talk to the entire school about sex.”

                “No, we’re talking about sexual assault and the importance of consent.”

                “Do you really think that’s an appropriate topic for secondary school?”

                “When some kid thinks he can touch my daughter’s butt after she repeatedly tells him to stop and everyone thinks it’s no big deal – yes, it’s a good time for this assembly.”  

                Helen poured herself some wine.  “In my experience, most of those girls aren’t exactly innocent.  I mean, what some of them wear, how they act…”

                “I’m sorry.  Allie was wearing jeans and a loose, plaid shirt.  She was walking down the hall on her way to her next class.  And even if she was wearing go-go boots, a bikini top and booty shorts, she’s _twelve._   Please educate me on how she ‘asked for it’.”  Silence hovered around them for a few moments.  “That’s what I thought.”  She took her wine and the book to the living room as the doorbell rang again. 

                Before long, six other women were seated on couches and comfortable chairs around the living room and Jasper quickly realized they were all holding a different book.  She slid _Fifty Shades_ next to her, intending to speak as little as possible during the meeting. 

                “It’s okay if you’re still on last month’s book,” one of the women said.  “Some of us don’t read as fast as others.  Perhaps you’d like to discuss something you’ve read on your own recently.” 

                Jasper smiled.  “I don’t have a lot of time for extra reading between my college classes.  I doubt anyone here is interested in discussing biology or nutritional science.”  She looked at their confused expressions.  “I’m in school to be a nutritionist.” 

                “Isn’t it a little late for college?”  Another woman took a bite of her lemon bar.  “Most of us went right after high school.”

                “Yeah, well…I was busy for twenty years after high school…in the Army, raising a kid – you know, stuff like that.  I don’t think there’s a time limit on pursuing an education.”

                The woman smiled condescendingly and turned to Helen.  “Fabulous lemon bars, as always.”

                Helen’s eyes glanced at the plate on the coffee table – one of Lacy’s plates with the floral trim.  “I didn’t bring those.” 

                “They taste just like yours, right down to the vanilla crumble on the top.” 

                “Well, perhaps my grandmother got the family recipe from a book and someone posted it online…”  Helen looked at Jasper in disbelief.  “Where did you find the recipe?” 

                Jasper sat back on the couch, her mouth twisting up in a knowing smile.  “If I don’t have time to read, I certainly don’t have time to bake.  I bought those at Bag-N-Save this morning.”

                “If you don’t have time to read then what are you doing here?”  Helen asked.

                “Anyway,” Lacy interjected.  “Next month’s selection is recommended by multiple feminist groups because it calls to attention the perils faced by our fellow women in the Middle East.  _Hidden_ by Amira Anwar.  It follows her journey from her family, through her forced marriage and eventually her fleeing to Canada.” 

                “I was hoping for more of a love story,” one of the women said.

                “Well, it was my turn to decide and I think with the assembly Jasper and I are running next week and the state of things in the world, I felt it was a good time to read something a little more thought-provoking,” Lacy explained.  

                Jasper accepted a copy from her and looked at the back, briefly reading through the reviews then opened it, looking at the inner flap of the jacket.  The author looked vaguely familiar and Jasper tried to remember if she’d read any of her books before, but the thirty-something woman with her made-up face and dark hair really could have been anyone.  She closed it as the others began discussing the book they’d just read and she found herself utterly out of the loop.  What on earth had she gotten herself into? 

*

                Jasper flipped through her note cards, her heart pounding as she sat off to the side of the principal who was discussing the need to find whoever was scrawling graffiti on the bathroom walls.  She wasn’t completely surprised the guy agreed to it after she’d all but threatened to sue the school unless they took corrective measures.  Her eyes flickered around the room realizing there were probably five hundred students who would be watching her and listening while she talked about why she was there and what had led up to it.  She glanced over at Lacy who smiled.  Damn it, she seemed so confident while butterflies danced in Jasper’s stomach as the principal announced them and they stood.

                _Jameela would know what to do_ , she thought as they took their places in front of the microphone.  Then she remembered they were the same person and that confidence was part of her, so once Lacy had introduced herself, she found herself speaking without even glancing at her note cards.  “Hi, I’m Jasper Palamo and we’re here today to talk to you about a very serious topic.  But before we get to that, Lacy, would you like a cup of coffee?” 

                “Yes, thank you.  Now, it’s a very simple question to ask someone if they’d like a cup of coffee, but it’s just as easy to ask someone: Jasper, would you like to have sex with me?” 

                Some of the kids gasped, others snickered and somewhere in the audience she was certain Skylar and Allie were ‘just _dying_ ’.  Jasper took a breath.  “No, Lacy, I would not.”

                “More and more we see articles and stories online about sexual assault, so we’ve come here today to have a frank discussion about consent.  Some of you may think that you’re years away from having sex, others may be considering doing it soon and still more of you may already be active, but the important thing is that before you have sex, you need to communicate to your partner, first and foremost, that you are both on the same page and both are saying ‘yes’ to whatever you’re doing.  You also should be well aware of each other’s thoughts and feelings during the entire experience.”  Lacy flipped over a card.  “When I was assaulted – the question was never asked.  I was almost seventeen and my stepfather decided one day that he was going to start touching me with no permission asked for or given.” 

                “I was twenty-two and in the Army when my sergeant asked if he could have sex with me and I told him no.  He didn’t respect that answer.  Both of us understand the pain of sexual assault and we’re tired of seeing it online, of hearing the same stories over and over from people we know and love.  We realized that when you’re little they tell you that no one should touch you without your permission – usually talking about an adult perpetrator, but then you become young adults and you’re taught about sex and when  my daughter went through sex ed, she told me consent was not part of the conversation.  Well, we felt it needs to be at the forefront of the conversation.”

                Lacy cleared her throat.  “One out of four women and one out of six men will be sexually assaulted at some point in their lives.  That means if you don’t already know someone it’s happened to, you probably will someday.” 

                “This is a problem that transcends race, religion, gender, social classes…it’s a problem that can affect any of you at any time – perhaps it already has.  If you can ask your friend if they would like a cup of coffee, you can take two seconds to ask your partner if they want to have sex with you – to clarify what kind of sex you are going to engage in.  In fact, the first time I kissed my husband, he _asked_ if it was okay to kiss me and after what I’d been through, that meant the world to me.”

                They went on, discussing different scenarios and aspects of consent, following up with advice on what to do should any of them go through an assault.  “The most important thing to keep in mind,” Jasper started.  “Is that no matter what – whatever you’re wearing, however you’re acting, if you’ve been drinking – it is never your fault and it’s important to tell someone you trust – a parent, teacher, clergy, a doctor, a police officer – and get help and support.” 

                “We didn’t come here believing we can change the world, but it’s our hope that by speaking to you here today we can at least start lowering some of these numbers,” Lacy said.  “And maybe the conversation can be more focused on consent and less on what to do to ‘protect yourself’ because you shouldn’t have to try and keep it from happening.  You should be respected and you should respect others.”

                Afterwards, they went into the hall where they both breathed a sigh of relief.  “I tried so hard not to find Skylar in the crowd,” Lacy told Jasper. 

                “Yeah, I saw Allie but I avoided looking at her.  I-I think we did a good job.  I mean, we don’t have to do it again, so…” 

                The principal approached them with a woman likely in her fifties and shook each of their hands.  “Mrs. Cortez, Mrs. Cordero…”

                “Ms. Palamo, actually…” Well, it would be in a few weeks when the paperwork was finalized.

                “I’d like to introduce the vice-principal of Mountain View High School,” he said. 

                 Jasper had to hold back laughter.  “We’re in the upstate New York – what mountain are the students viewing?”

                “Yes,” the vice-principal chuckled lightly.  “Well, I was impressed with your speech and I’d like to ask the two of you to come to our school and give the same assembly.  I’ve heard a few stories whispered among the student body and recently had a boy come to my office and tell me his uncle was…anyway, I’d like it if you could do this for us.  And I plan to invite educators and principals from schools in the area.” 

                “Well, I mean, we’re not exactly public speakers,” Lacy told her.  “We’re just two women who sick of hearing about this…shit…happening to people.”

                “You’re passionate and that can be convincing – it can make sure the message is heard.” 

                They set a time and date for the end of the week to speak at Mountain View, then left the school.  Jasper almost wanted to remove her jacket as she didn’t like business suit – the same one she’d worn to Tubaz’s hearing.  However, the October weather was chilly and a wind blew fallen leaves across the parking lot.  “God, I wish I was back in Samoa.”

                “Carlos and I were talking about taking a vacation next summer – maybe we should go there.” 

                “It’s beautiful, everyone’s friendly – they love tourists.”

                “And they speak English?” 

                Jasper waited for Lacy to unlock her car and got in, pressing the button for the seat warmer.  “Most do and if someone doesn’t, it’s not hard to find someone who does.” 

                “Which did you like more – Samoa or Hawaii?”  She started the car and drove away from the school.

                “You know, I’m not the best person to ask on this because I’m going to be biased and say Samoa, but Hawaii was great too.  It’ll be a lot better for you because you won’t be with a racist asshole.”

                Lacy laughed.  “Yeah, the only race Carlos hates is the one he has to run, though he can still be an asshole sometimes.”

                “You wouldn’t have been with him this long if he didn’t have some redeeming qualities.” 

                “He’s great.  When I woke up after that bomb went off and realized I’d never look the same, I thought my chances of finding anyone were gone.  Then he asks about my scars when I was at some club and I told him and he says: ‘that’s the most badass story I’ve ever heard’.  I went home with him that night.”

                “I remember you got married so suddenly it seemed.  I got home and it was like ‘oh by the way…’” 

                “Well, I was pregnant with Kyle.” 

                “After everything you went through – you deserved happiness.” 

                “So do you.”  Lacy eased the car into the parking lot of a Mexican restaurant.  “Come on – my treat.”  She got out of the car along with Jasper.  “I hope you and Greg work out – I really do.  He seems like such a nice guy.” 

                They were seated and looked at their menus while munching on warm chips and salsa.  “I love Greg and he loves me…baggage, bad habits, tattoos and all.”

                The server came back to take their order and Lacy waited until he left before asking:  “How’s Amethyst and her husband?” 

                “Good as far as I know.  Her stomach is getting huge – the baby is already measuring big, so Tani has nicknamed him ‘Fat Boy’ until they settle on a name.  Crystal’s school thought she had ADHD – turns out she’s smart, so now she’s undergoing further testing to see how smart, but basically she’s restless and doesn’t pay attention in school because she’s ahead of the class.”

                “I don’t want to be that person, but we’re talking Amethyst’s child?”

                “Yeah – her father is pretty smart, so I think I know where that comes from.” 

                Lacy thanked the waiter for their drinks and took a sip of her margarita.  “So, what do you think about speaking at more schools?” 

                “Well, now that I’ve done it, I’m not as nervous.”  Jasper stirred the straw around in her mojito.  “I worry about missing classes for it, though a lot of my work I can do online.” 

                “We’ll try to schedule things on your afternoons off.” 

                “Yeah, except I usually try to do some personal training during that time – earn extra money.” 

                “Are you…struggling?” 

                Jasper laughed.  “No more than usual.  I mean, I have my retirement pay – plus with Amethyst being married now, it’s just Allie and I, so that helps.” 

                “No debt?” 

                “Just the car.”  Jasper shrugged.  “Dad was an accountant – I learned a thing or two about money management.” 

                “You own your house?” 

                “Yeah – I probably wouldn’t if we hadn’t fixed up Bismuth’s grandma’s house and sold it.  She left it to him in her will.  We used that money to help buy this house and it paid for most of it.  We put our housing allowances toward it every month.”  Jasper sighed.  “When he died, I used the life insurance to pay off the rest.”

                “Man, Carlos and I still owe like…well, we’ll be paying for a while.” 

                “But you’d rather have him than a life insurance check, trust me.”

                “Depends on the day because some days I’m gonna kill him myself.”  Lacy laughed.  “You’re right, though – I love the guy.”  She thanked the server as their food came.  “So, have you started the book?” 

                “No.” 

                “I haven’t gotten too far in.  Mostly at this point she’s talking about her childhood and family.” 

                “I might read a little bit tonight after I finish my paper.”  Jasper broke open her burrito and was about to take a bite when her cell phone pinged and she glanced over to see a message from Allie.  She read it and laughed.  “My daughter wants to know ‘you’re not _really_ going to have sex with Skylar’s mom, are you?’”

                Lacy laughed.  “Well, we could be serious and tell her we’re not because you clearly said no, or mess with her.” 

                A few moments later, Jasper received the following reply at the picture she’d sent to Allie of her kissing Lacy’s cheek: ‘Oh my God, Mom – I could just _die_!’

*

                “Okay, but you two didn’t actually have sex, right?” 

                “Oh my God, Allie.  For the last time – no.”  Jasper pulled a princess costume off the rack.  “Not recently, anyway…”

                “What?” 

                “Oooh, how about this?  I could be Maleficent.”  Jasper held some fake horns up to her head.  “I’m not really sure who she is, but she looks cool.”

                “The witch from _Sleeping Beauty_.”  Allie clutched her Wonder Woman costume.  “Skylar and Connie are being princesses, but I’m confident in my choice.”

                “Who is Connie going as?” 

                “Cinderella – Steven is going to be her Prince Charming.” 

                “Nice.”  Jasper moved to hero costumes and pulled out a red and black suit.  “This is what I’m talking about…”

                “Mom, most of the kids aren’t old enough to watch Deadpool.  I’m not sure you should wear that.”

                She held up another outfit.  “Naughty police officer?”

                “Not fingertip length.”

                “Virgin Mary?”

                “Yeah, right.” 

                “Look at this – sexy nun!”

                “Mo-om!”

                “Cowgirl?  Flapper?  Ooooh – pirate!”

                “Disney.”

                Jasper plucked a costume off the rack.  “Jack Sparrow.”

                Allie considered this for a moment before nodding.  “And it’s _Captain_ Jack Sparrow.”

                Jasper held onto that one and also grabbed the police outfit, which Allie didn’t really notice until they got up to the register and she asked what it was for.  She felt her cheeks flush.  “Uh…it’s just, nice…maybe for another party.”

*

                That night, while the kids were at the nearby bowling alley with a group of friends, Jasper dressed up and knocked on Greg’s door.  He answered and immediately started chuckling.  “Is there a problem, officer?” 

                Jasper removed her sunglasses.  “You think this is funny, sir?  I got a noise complaint.”  She entered when he gestured with his hand for her to come in.  “Problem seems to be there’s not enough noise coming from your bedroom.” 

                Greg closed the door and nodded.  “Well, I certainly don’t want to be in trouble with the law…” his eyes fell on the handcuffs hanging from her belt.  “Or maybe I do.” 

                She plucked the slim, plastic club from her belt and smacked it against her hand.  “You have the right to remain silent, though I suspect you lack the capacity.”

                “First I’m not making enough noise, now I’m talking too much.  Make up your mind, officer.” 

                Jasper grabbed his arms and put one handcuff on his wrist.  “That’ll be enough out of you, sir!  If you don’t want to go to jail, I suggest you do exactly as I say…”

                “Yes ma’am.”

                “The safe word is ‘Worcestershire’,” she whispered before nipping his ear.  “You’ll do exactly as I say or I’ll drag your ass straight to the slammer.” 

                Greg chuckled.  “You know, this would have been a good career path for you…police officer, I mean…not like a dominatrix…well, that too.”

                Jasper laughed and shook her head.  “I’m sorry – this…I’ve never…I feel ridiculous.”

                “Well, you certainly look sexy.” 

                She removed the cuff from his wrist.  “I don’t know what I’m doing – we’ve only had sex like twice and I’m trying to spice things up…I-I guess.”

                “It’s already pretty spicy, Jasp.”  He undid the buttons on her costume exposing her black, lacy bra.  His hand slid inside, his thumb moving against her nipple.  “This is hot…”

                “We should go to the bedroom,” she exhaled deeply, heat pooling between her legs.

                Greg’s eyes shifted toward the couch and undid his pants.  “I’m not gonna make it to the bed.” 

                Jasper smirked and grabbed his hand, leading him over.  She kissed him hard, savoring the feeling of wet, sloppy kisses, indulging in the feeling of his hands on her rear.  Greg pulled up her dress and looped his fingers into the band of her panties. 

                “I remember you said once you like it from behind?” 

                “Oh yeah…” she purred as he turned her over.  She felt his length slide against her, teasing her, pressing against her opening and slowly filling her.  Her walls clamped around him, pulling him in further as a low moan escaped her throat.  Greg’s fingers dug into her hips as he trust slowly at first, but within minutes was pounding into her.  She grasped the back of the couch and moved against him, crying out as she needed to soothe this burning ache inside her.  “Don’t be afraid to be rough – I’m not delicate.”

                Her teeth clenched and her breath caught in her throat.  She pressed her forehead to the back of the couch as her climax trembled though her.  “Oh, fuck!” 

                Greg’s fingers squeezed harder as he shuddered behind her and grunted.  She felt his breath hit the back of her neck and he moaned lightly.  “God…”

                Jasper exhaled, feeling him slide out of her.  She wanted to relax with him, but she felt something sliding down her thigh.  “I’ll be right back,” she breathed.

                Greg zipped up his pants.  “Don’t take too long – after sex cuddling is the best.”

                She was in the bathroom cleaning up when she heard the front door open and close suddenly.  Then, she heard Steven’s voice.  “Dad!  Dad, are you okay?”

                “Fine, Stuball – what’s up?” 

                “Onion texted and said the police were here.  I got worried.”

                Fuck.  Jasper pulled up her panties and buttoned her dress.   Her eyes darted around for any way to escape, but there was no way she would fit through the small window and if she opened the door she’d have to go through the living room to get to the front door. 

                “No, everything’s fine.  Just um…”

                “What police officer wears high heels?” she heard Allie ask. 

                Shiiiiiiiit!

                “They’re mine,” Greg answered quickly.

                “Goddamn it,” she whispered.  There was no way out of this situation.  Surely both of them knew that adults in relationships did these kinds of things, but she really didn’t want to air it out in the open for them.  She stepped out of the bathroom and felt heat in her cheeks as she entered the living room.  “You guys have fun bowling?” 

                “Hey, Jasper…oh, you were showing my dad your Halloween costume.”  Steven grinned.  “It looks nice – a little short though.”

                “Yep…that’s it, uh-huh.  We’re going to a party and I just wanted his opinion.” 

                “Exactly.  I’m, uh…I’m going as a burglar,” Greg backed her up. 

                Allie gave them a no-nonsense look.  She clearly knew what was going on.  In fact, she suspected Steven did too and he was just being polite about it at this point.  Jasper slid her feet into the high heels and cleared her throat.  “I’m glad you enjoyed the costume.” 

                “Yes, I’ll pick you up around…seven-ish on Halloween.” 

                “Sounds like a plan.”  Jasper put her arm around her daughter.  “Come on Allie.” 

                Thankfully, Allie waited until after they were out of the house before saying anything.  “Were you two doing what I _think_ you were doing?” 

                “That’s a little personal.”  She started the car when they got in and sighed. 

                “Are you going to get married?”  Hope tinged her voice. 

                “I don’t know.” 

                “I think it would be a good idea.  We all get along and he makes you happy.”

                Jasper nodded as they drove home.  “Well, there are a lot of things to consider when thinking about marriage.  You know, your father and I dated for almost a year and we were living together before he asked me.”

                “And he asked you on Christmas, right?” 

                “Yeah.”  She laughed.  “He put the ring in six different boxes I had to unwrap and with each one, he’s just sitting there grinning like a buffoon.  The last box was a ceramic jewelry box that looked like a present.  It had ‘Cordero’ printed on it in gold letters and a diamond ring inside.  Then he asked me.” 

                “That’s so romantic.” 

                Jasper smiled at the memory.  “It was.” 

                “Do you still have your rings?” 

                “They’re locked in the cabinet with the gun and other important things.” 

                Silence surrounded them for a few moments before Allie spoke again.  “I think Dad and Greg would get along good.” 

                “Well,” Jasper corrected.

                “Yeah.  I think Dad would want you to be happy and marry Greg since he’s not here.  And, I mean, he doesn’t have to ask you…you could ask him.” 

                “What?” 

                “There’s no rule that says you can’t.” 

                “That’s…that’s true.”  Jasper reflected on what a feminist she used to be and how she always said she might never get married or have kids.  Now here she was attending book club meetings and drinking wine with PTA moms.  However, looking over at Allie and thinking about the possibility of being Greg’s wife and Steven’s stepmother, she realized she wouldn’t have it any other way.  

*

                Jasper scratched her face while she leaned against a wall watching the kids mingle and dance.  “Whatever adhesive is on this fake facial hair is bothering my skin.” 

                “Hey, you look good, though.”  Lacy surveyed her costume.  “I always had a thing for Captain Jack.  He could shiver my timbers any day.” 

                “He can drop his anchor in my harbor.”  Jasper laughed.  “I told Greg I was dressing up as a sexy pirate.  When I clarified who, he lost interest.”

                 “Doesn’t want Jack Sparrow’s booty?” 

                “How many pirate puns are we going to make?” 

                “Let me have one about a pearl necklace and I’m good.” 

                “You have a dirty mind for a Disney princess.” 

                “She had the _audacity_ to show up dressed as a man,” she overheard Helen say to two other women from nearby.  “And you can clearly see Lacy’s fake leg in that costume.”

                Jasper rolled her eyes.  “I’m about to take that pointed hat off her head and shove it up her ass.  What are those costumes they’re wearing anyway?” 

                “The fairies from _Sleeping Beauty_.” 

                “Guess I should have gone with Maleficent and showed them who’s boss.”  Jasper sipped her punch.  “They don’t have anything stronger?” 

                “It’s a school dance.”

                At least Allie’s date was no threat.  When he’d showed up, Jasper was relieved to see he was about the same height as her daughter and on the scrawny side.  Both of their costumes were obviously bought at stores, but they looked cute together as they danced joyfully to the music.  Steven made a dashing prince, complimenting Connie’s beautiful Cinderella dress.  She smiled as Steven kissed his date’s hand.  She could easily see herself welcoming him into her family…of her and Greg coming together and making a family of their own.  Jasper waved at Steven when he blew her a kiss.

                “So, Steven and Allie caught you and Greg in the heat of things?”  Lacy asked.

                “No, after, but it was still pretty obvious.  He made up some story about us going to a party on Halloween, but that club – the one we used to frequent…”

“The one you met him at?” 

“Yeah, is actually having a party that night.  He bought a burglar outfit and the lie became truth.  Allie, Steven and Connie are going to watch movies and eat junk food.” 

                “Leaving them unattended with a boy?” 

                “You know, if it were anyone but Steven I might be concerned, but he’s a good kid.  Besides, they’ll probably be watching movies like _Hocus Pocus_ and _Harry Potter_.”

                “That schedule I sent works out for you?” 

                “Yeah – I can’t believe so many schools want us to speak.”  Jasper took another gulp of punch.  “It’s an important message though.  I just hope the students are listening.”  Her eyes scanned the area, but she no longer saw Allie or Peedee among the students.  “I’ll be right back.” 

                She knew they weren’t supposed to leave the gym area, but she’d heard some students did and one of her duties as a chaperone was to keep any ‘hanky panky’ to a minimum, or from happening at all.  Although, considering Peedee looked as though his balls hadn’t dropped yet, she didn’t see him as much of a threat.  As she rounded a corner, she heard their voices and hid behind some lockers so they didn’t see her.  She peered around and saw them sitting on the floor. 

                “I can get you free fries if you want to stop by my family’s fry shop sometime,” Peedee said.  “We have all sorts of flavors – regular, garlic, sweet potato.  And then maybe I could treat you to ice cream.” 

                “My favorite is mint chip.” 

                “I like chocolate espresso…I know that’s weird.” 

                It was all she could do to keep from laughing.  They were just kids and Jasper had nothing to worry about. 

                “I like you, Allie,” Peedee said.  “You’re fun…and cute…and stuff.”

                _Whaaaaat?_   Jasper put a hand over her mouth.  This was too adorable and she should just get herself back to the dance.  Clearly nothing was going to…

                “May I kiss you?” 

                _WHAT?!_

                “What?”  Allie asked softly. 

                 “I-I’d like to kiss you…if that’s okay.”

                Jasper found her mind swirling with a range of emotions.  On one hand, it was very sweet and she was happy that her daughter might get her first kiss.  She was impressed that he had asked permission and he’d earned a few points of approval for that.  However, this was her baby…

                “Okay,” her daughter said. 

                She didn’t watch, but instead, went back to the dance.  Allie wasn’t a baby anymore – she was a young woman on a date and growing up fast.  She leaned against the wall next to Lacy.  “What did you do when Skylar had her first kiss?” 

                “As far as I know, she hasn’t.  Her dad would kill somebody.  Why?  Did Allie?”

                “I think she did and I’m not sure how I feel.” 

                “Excited?  She’s growing up – that’s what they’re supposed to do.  That’s what I’ve been trying to explain to Carlos when he wants to keep Skylar in a bubble.”

                Jasper nodded and knew Bismuth would have wanted to do the same with Allie.  She wondered how Greg would feel about it.  On the ride home that evening, after dropping Steven and Connie off, she drove in silence a few moments before looking over at Allie.  “So, how was your first dance?” 

                “It was cool.  Can I go to the mall with Peedee tomorrow after church?” 

                Tomorrow?  She just saw him tonight and she wanted to see him again tomorrow?  “I suppose that would be okay.” 

                Jasper wondered if she should bring up the kiss, but decided to leave it be.  Still, she knew it had happened.  She knew it was a special memory her daughter would cherish forever and that part of being a woman meant keeping some of those memories a secret.


	30. Loose Ends

** Chapter 29 – Loose Ends **

                “How’s Allie doing in school?”  Amethyst asked as she and Jasper sat down to lunch at a restaurant. 

                “Good – she just got her progress report – nothing below a B-minus, so I’m happy about that.  Skylar got a D in Spanish and Lacy was pissed.  Reminded her that her father speaks fluent Spanish so she has help right at home.”  Jasper glanced at the menu.  “We’re having Italian again?” 

                “I can’t get enough pasta lately and this place has an endless pasta bowl.”

                “Yeah, it’s Olive Garden.”  She sighed.  “I might just do the minestrone soup and salad.” 

                “Bor-ing,” Amethyst teased in a sing-song voice.  She looked up as the waiter came.  “I’m getting the endless pasta with shrimp.” 

                “You’re pregnant.  You know how much mercury is in shrimp?” 

                “Fuck – chicken, I guess.” 

                Jasper ordered soup and salad.  “Dressing on the side, please – and a glass of white zinfandel.” 

                “You are evil,” Amethyst said.  “I can’t drink.” 

                “You don’t drink wine.”  Jasper gave her menu back to the waiter.  “I’ve been trying to get back into exercising, but between school and this…whatever it is Lacy and I are doing…I basically had to quit my job.” 

                “How is school going?” 

                “Good, I guess, but I haven’t even started hard classes.  I’m dreading when I have to take chemistry.  I don’t know why I thought I could do this…I’ve been so busy I haven’t even read the stupid book for book club – it’s just sitting there.  So, I’m going to go and Helen is going to be a bitch about it.” 

                “So?  Just tell Helen to shut the fuck up.  Who is she anyway?” 

                “Some rich bitch who thinks the sun shines out her ass, but buys her lemon bars at Bag-N-Save.”

                “What’s the book about?” 

                Jasper shrugged.  “Some girl’s life in the Middle East and how she escaped and, you know,  maybe I’m putting it off because I just feel like I’ve heard and lived that story and I don’t have any interest in revisiting that stuff.  Also, I’m not a PTA mom or a book club bitch or any such thing and maybe these activities are making me lose myself.” 

                “Then don’t do them.  Focus on school and on Allie and your project with Lacy.  I mean, that’s going good, right?”

                “Yeah.  We’ve already talked to a bunch of schools and some college in Ottawa of all places wants us to speak in two weeks at a women’s conference there.  Apparently Lacy’s been doing some networking online.”   She thanked the waiter for their meal and took a sip of wine.  “Anyway, I better read this damn book because apparently the woman who wrote is also going to be there and Lacy is all: ‘you need to know who she is’.  Um…okay.  We speak about sexual assault – I don’t even know what her platform is.”

                “What’s her name?” 

                “Amira Anwar.” 

                Amethyst shrugged.  “I’ve never heard of her.”  She inhaled deeply through her nose savoring the steam rising from her pasta.  “Yum!”

                “Cheese?”  The waiter asked. 

                “Oh yeah…”  Amethyst watched as a flurry of cheese fell on her pasta, finally stopping him when it was sufficiently covered.  “That’s beautiful…”  Her eyes brightened and her voice came out in a whisper.  “Thank you.” 

                “Are you crying because you have pasta?” 

                “I can’t help it…I’m just so happy.”  She stabbed her penne smothered in garlic sauce and stuffed it in her mouth.

                Jasper tasted a spoonful of her minestrone and pushed aside the temptation to add salt.

                “I always found that soup to be bland,” Amethyst stated.  “I get the chicken one – amazing.”

                “Yeah, I’m trying to watch my figure a little.” 

                “I’d say you’re good.” 

                “I wouldn’t.  I used to be 180 when I was in the Army – even after having Allie, I killed myself trying to be fit.  When I was pregnant, I got up to 205 – now I’m closer to that than the 180 and I’m not okay with that.”

                “Right, but you’re also getting older and you still look great.  Besides, Greg thinks you look awesome, I’m sure.”

                “This isn’t about Greg.”  Jasper dipped her fork into the salad dressing and speared some lettuce.  “I know Greg would love me if I weighed 300 pounds.  I want to be comfortable with my body and if I lost about ten pounds I’d feel a lot better.  I’d rather do this now than another ten or twenty pounds from now.”

                Amethyst nodded.  “Yeah, I should probably think about losing weight after the baby.”

                “You know, it’s normal to gain during pregnancy and to have cravings.  God knows I wanted mint chip ice cream _every night_ with Allie and I usually like rocky road.  It got so bad, I made Bismuth pull into a Dairy Queen to get a mint cookie Blizzard with hot fudge because I finally felt I would _just die_ if I didn’t get one.”  She sat back and chuckled.  “Wow, now I know where Allie gets it…” 

                “Your point?” 

                “You need to eat healthy for yourself and the baby.  You were doing so well before your pregnancy, now you’re – put that breadstick down – now you’re going right back to your old habits.  You’re still pre-diabetic and have moderately high blood pressure, both of which can affect both you and the baby.  You’ve said the baby is bigger than a normal fetus at this point so I think he’s pretty well-fed.  I don’t mean to be a nag – I just care.”

                “I mean, Tani likes me fluffy…he thinks I’m cute and all.” 

                Jasper nodded.  “And that’s good.  I’m glad he finds you beautiful no matter what, but how is he going to feel if you do get diabetes and…go blind or lose a limb…or God forbid, die?  You know, he’s in good shape.  He’ll be around a while and he married you to live your lives together.  I think you owe it, not only to him, but to yourself, to keep that vow by doing what you can to be healthy.”

                Amethyst rubbed her belly.  “I know…I just really like food.” 

                “You think I don’t?  You think I haven’t been thinking about how satisfying it would be to grab your bowl and shovel that pasta in my food hole?  But – no – I’m fat, so I’m going to eat my boring salad and bland-ass soup and then go for a run – a long one.”

                “I hear sex is a good workout.” 

                “Depends on the sex.  When I’m on top, I definitely break out a sweat, but I sure don’t burn much if it’s missionary vanilla.” 

                “That sounds like an ice cream flavor.” 

                Jasper laughed.  “If it is, it’s my least favorite.  God, I hate being on bottom.” 

                “Does it remind you of…you know…”

                “What?  When I was raped?  Yes, a little.  It takes a lot of trust for me to put myself in that position with someone.  It helps for me to hold the person I’m with and to remind myself that I’m safe.  I still definitely prefer it from behind – better orgasms that way.” 

                “Agreed – though, my belly is so big now that’s one of the few positions that works – that or when I ride Tani.  He loves watching my tits bounce.”

                “Yeah, I…moving on...”  It was still weird to think about the fact that she’d once slept with her sister’s now-husband…three times actually.  _God, I had his dick in my mouth_ , she thought.  Well, just like her non-consensual encounters, maybe there were some mutual ones she had to put in the past, too.

                “Oh, we have our Stork Visit next week, so I can tour the birthing suite – also known as an overpriced hospital room – and get my paperwork filled out ahead of time.  I’m still thinking about my birth plan – I mean, I didn’t really have one with Crystal.”

                “I didn’t with Allie – that shit confused me.  My doctor was like ‘how are you planning to have the baby’ and I’m sitting there with a blank stare on my face and say: ‘out my vagina.’  Bismuth just shook his head and told me she meant if I wanted an epidural or soothing music or something.  Truth be told, by the time Allie was ready to be born, I didn’t give a shit about music or anything else.”

                Amethyst shook her head.  “I’m surprised you did that natural because when I had Crystal it was hard even with an epidural.  I can’t even imagine without and you better believe I’m having one when Fat Boy comes because he’s probably going to be bigger than Crystal.”

                “If it was easy I don’t think they’d call it ‘labor’.  But I wanted as natural a birth as possible – my doctor met me halfway because I was high risk – she insisted on monitoring the baby and making sure an IV line was started, but they didn’t give me any medication until they had to, I could get up and walk, change positions and I was allowed to give birth bare ass naked.” 

                “I think I’m going to go with hospital gown chic for this one – it worked for Crystal, plus then everyone doesn’t see me naked.”

                “When I got to that point, I did not care.  I was in so much pain I just wanted her out.” 

                “I didn’t have pain, but pressure – lots of it and then I watch medical shows where the doctor is telling a mother not to push and I’m like ‘dude…’  Anyway, you want to help coach me?  I’m not sure how much help Tani’s really going to be.”

                Jasper recalled the last time her sister gave birth, their mom had been there.  Neither of her parents would meet their grandson.  “Have you thought about naming the baby after Dad?”

                “Middle name.  Tani and I want something more American for his first name – something easy to pronounce that he won’t get made fun of over.  Well, Tani still wants the baby named after him.”

                “Let’s make it easy – Tanielu is Samoan for Daniel.  What about naming the baby Daniel?  He’s still named after his father, but it’s commonly used and has nickname options – Dan, Danny.” 

                Amethyst leaned back in her seat and bit her lip as she thought about it.  “Daniel…that could work.  I hadn’t considered it, but I don’t hate it.  In fact, I kind of like it.  What does it mean?” 

                Jasper shrugged as she placed her spoon in her now-empty bowl.  “Fuck if I know.”  She took out her phone and searched it on Google.  “It means ‘God is my judge’.”

                Amethyst rubbed her belly while Jasper slipped her debit card into the small black book containing the receipt.  “You don’t have to do that, sis.  I mean, with my book and the movie and all…”

                “It’s fine.”

                She looked down at her round stomach.  “What do you think Fat Boy?  Could have used more garlic?  I agree.  You like the name Daniel?”  Amethyst smiled.  “Well, he moved, so as long as his father agrees, I think we have a winner.” 

*

                Jasper lay in bed later that night unable to sleep.  She checked her bank balance and sighed.  She should have let Amethyst pay for lunch.  She was going to Canada in two weeks and even though the conference was paying for their hotel room for the night, she and Lacy were still responsible for getting there and buying their own food. 

                “We can drive,” Jasper had said to Lacy.  “We’re only two hours away.”

                “That really depends on traffic at the border.  Plus, we probably want to stop and exchange our money,” Lacy had told her.  “The good thing is the exchange rate is amazing, so we’ll have to make time to shop.”

                Jasper sighed and clicked her phone off.  Maybe she could do her Christmas shopping up there.  She imagined the face Allie would make when she opened up a box with a stuffed moose inside.  Well, she did still have the money in her savings account she’d set aside for Allie’s braces.  She’d waited for the office to tell her there’d been a mistake, but so far they hadn’t.  Maybe it was time to dip into that. She plugged her phone in and picked up her copy of _Hidden_.  “Alright, Amira, what’s your deal?” 

                She flipped through the book, realizing there were some glossy pages with photos in the middle.  Maybe she could just read the first and last chapter and look at the pictures.  Would that be enough to impress Helen?  Jasper groaned.  Why did she _care_ about impressing Helen?!

                Okay…chapter one.  The carefully crafted words transported her to an Iraq different than she’d known where Amira had been born and raised in a luxurious two story house.  She spoke of her mother, who sounded as though she married young and how she hadn’t been entirely sure at the time what her father did outside of the house.  She wrote of his love for her and how she loved to listen to him play the violin in the evening.  It was then she began to get suspicious, as she remembered lying in a small bed hearing violin music coming from somewhere above her, but shook her head of the thought.  The violin was a common-enough instrument. 

                Sighing, she turned to the second chapter where Amira began talking about her mother getting pregnant again and giving birth to her sister when she was close to four.  She described the new baby as pretty, looking much like her father.  Though disappointed this child was a girl, he was so enamored with her beauty, he named her Zainab, meaning ‘a father’s precious jewel’. 

                Jasper raised an eyebrow.  Was that…a popular name?  She looked it up, finding it ranked among the most common Muslim girl names and sighed in relief.  Besides, the author’s name didn’t fit in that lineup.  However, the chapter ended with her mother giving birth again…three years after that and another ‘disappointment’ hastily named… “Haniya?”

                She conjured up a memory of the girl in her mind.  Haniya had been quiet and shy, preferred pants over dresses and skirts…didn’t like peppers and loved orange spice tea.  Jasper thought about the other two – Taliha, the four-year-old, who didn’t like to wear shoes, always had her finger in her nose and was super clingy.  His second oldest, Zainab…God, what a little bitch, Jasper thought hearing her voice in her head: _“My father says you’re a whore.  I bet you’re diseased…”_

                She’d never wanted to pop an eleven-year-old in the mouth so badly, but she’d been quickly told that even the children outranked her in the household.  And then, there was his eldest daughter…the one grown up enough to be almost like a friend.

                She closed the book for a second, then opened it to glace at the inner flap of the jacket.  How could she not have seen it?  Even with the shorter, styled hair and makeup, the kind eyes and smile were still the same.  There was no mistaking Abida and her first reaction was to put the book down and turn over in bed.  No, she’d left that part of her life behind her…long ago.  She didn’t need to be looking back to the past and opening up all that again when she’d just let it go.  She sighed and closed her eyes. _I guess letting go is a process too…_

*

                _Her eyes fluttered open when she felt a tapping against her cheek.  It wasn’t a slap, but gentle – almost hesitant – just to get her attention.  She’d gone to bed exhausted to the bone.  Keeping house and taking care of children left her a different kind of tired than the military.  Her blurry vision cleared and she saw Taliha standing there.  The little girl sniffled and rubbed her eye.  “I had a bad dream.”_

Well, I’ve been living one for the past two months, _was her first thought as she heard Akhram lightly snoring beside her.  She couldn’t say that, of course – this was a child.  “Okay…um…” she glanced over, heart pounding.  She wasn’t chained to him…or to the bed.  Slowly and carefully, she peeled back the covers and swung her legs over, covering them with the long, white nightgown she’d been given.  “Come here.”_

_Jasper picked up the girl and carried her out into the living room where she lowered herself onto the couch.  Taliha sat in her lap, snuggling close.  She poked one of Jasper’s bare arms.  “You’re strong.”_

_“Yeah…so…what was your dream about?”_

_Another sniffle.  “The soldiers came and they were shooting…and it was loud.  They shot Aunt Marjina and Abida.  Baba wasn’t there…and they were gonna shoot me.”_

_“What soldiers?  Your father’s men?”_

_“No, the enemy.  The Americans.”_

_Right…God, she had never left the prison.  Taliha was just as much a captive as Jasper.  A little kid shouldn’t know this much about war and guns, but it was all around her.  Jasper rested her chin against Taliha’s head.  “They don’t shoot kids.  No one is coming for you, I promise.  Even if they did come here they wouldn’t hurt you.”_

_“Baba says the door to our house is hidden.  They won’t find it, but what if they do?”_

_“Well, they’d see there were women and children here and they would leave you alone or maybe find someplace safe for you to go where there’s no fighting.”_

_“Baba says the prison is safe.  He called it a forest.”_

_“I think you mean ‘fortress.”  She’d actually never seen it from outside…except the courtyard where she’d been made to burn her uniform.  Akhram may have been an absolute monster in Jasper’s eyes, but to Taliha, he was simply her father.  “He would know.  He loves you and he’s trying his hardest to keep you safe.”_

_“Do you love me?”_

_“I-I like you.”  Maybe someday…someday if she stayed, she’d learn to love her…all of them.  Perhaps even that snarky little bitch Zainab…she’d probably never love Akhram._ What the fuck am I saying, _she thought._ I need to get out of here.  

                _“I like you too.”  Taliha yawned, her head heavy against Jasper’s shoulder.  “I think…you’ll be a good mama.”_

_“I hope so.  I’ve never been a mama before.”  Jasper sat there a few moments in silence before looking down and seeing the girl’s eyes closed.  She stroked her hair gently as she stood and walked her to the room she shared with Haniya, who was sound asleep.  Jasper lay Taliha in her own bed and covered her with a blanket.  As she turned to leave, she spotted a doll on the ground and placed it next to the girl._

_Softly she retreated, closing the door and stepping quietly down the hall.  Jasper stopped when the door to outside – wherever outside was – caught her attention.  She knew only her small room somewhere below her feet and the house here on the upper level.  But beyond that door could be her freedom.  No, logic told her that was a dumb idea.  Even if she escaped the comforts of this home, she’d have to navigate through unfamiliar hallways – unarmed – trying to find her men and if seen by one of the guards – a very real possibility – she’d be brought right back to face…_

_“What are you doing out here?”_

_Fuck.  At least he didn’t sound particularly angry…in fact, his voice was calm, maybe even a little sleepy.  Jasper turned and looked at him, whispering quietly.  “Taliha had a nightmare.  I calmed her down and put her back to bed.”_

_A smile actually came to his lips…and not the cruel, twisted grin she’d come to expect, but the genuine sign of joy he often gave when talking to his family.  “It’s good to see your maternal instincts finally kicking in.”_

My what now?  _“I…I guess.”  She felt her muscles stiffen as he put an arm around her and brought her back into the room they shared._

_Jasper lay back in bed, only pulling the sheet up around her as it was too hot otherwise.  Exhaustion crept into her body again and she prayed he wouldn’t touch her.  He’d already been with her and he sounded tired too, so chances were low.  She clutched the sheet in her fist as he pressed a kiss against her lips.  Her heart pounded and fear coursed through her as she prepared to retreat into the safety of her own mind, but he pulled away before she had to._

_“This is a good thing, Jameela.  You are learning this is what you were made for – caring for children, pleasing your husband, running a household.”  He lay beside her and pulled the covers up around him.  “You will make me a good wife someday.”_

_What the fuck was the proper response to that?  “I-I don’t think I’m worthy of being your wife.”_

_He squeezed her hand before he turned away from her onto his side.  “Not yet, but you will be someday.  Sleep well, Jameela.”_

_“Good night.”_

_She would be awoken the next morning by squabbling from the hallway when Haniya accused her little sister of stealing her doll.  Maternal instinct, yeah right._

_*_

                Jasper startled awake by the dream and looked around for a second before realizing where she was.  Only half an hour had passed since she’d dozed off.  She turned over and wiped the drool from her chin.  That was attractive…what would Greg think if he saw it?

                She thought about the girls and realized she couldn’t hold anything against them – they were children.  Even Zainab was a product of how she was raised and how she’d seen her father treat Jasper.  She picked up the book and flipped to the glossy pages in the center glancing at the photos.  There was one of Abida’s parents when they were young – before any children and she stared at her face finding similarities to the girls…except Zainab, she realized as her eyes shifted to Akhram’s face.  That one looked very much like her father – same nose, cheekbones, eyes…the same mouth that threatened at any moment to twist up in a cruel grin.  Maybe she had her mother’s chin…maybe. 

                Oh, but she’d definitely had her father’s mouth.

*

                  _Water splashed up soaking the sleeves of Jasper’s dress, which were rolled up well past her elbows.  She looked over at Zainab who had just plunked several dirty dishes in the full sink.  “Was that necessary?”_

_“My father says you’re a whore.”_

_“And in other news – water is wet.”  She grabbed a dish and started scrubbing._

_“I bet you’re diseased.”_

_“I use protection with all my partners.”_

_“Then how come you’re pregnant?”_

_Jasper growled deep in her throat and looked dangerously at the girl.  “Because your father is a rapist.”_

_“He is not – you can’t rape a whore.”_

_She wanted to take the plate in her hand and break it over the kid’s head right about now.  “I am not a whore, you little brat!  I am a sergeant in the United States Army and your elder and a human being deserving of respect!  You’re going to start showing me that respect RIGHT NOW!”_

_Zainab stared at her for a moment before slapping her own face – hard.  She screamed and started to cry.  Before Jasper could wonder what the fuck she did that for, Akhram stormed into the kitchen.  “What the hell is going on?”_

_“Jameela hit me!”  Zainab wailed._

_Jasper’s jaw dropped.  “I did not!”_

_Akhram grabbed her by the hair, pulling her away from the sink and throwing her on the floor.  The plate she was holding hit the floor and shattered.  “Now look what you did!”  He kicked her when she tried to get up._

_“Akhram, the baby,” Marjina said simply from where she was wiping down the table._

_“I won’t hit her stomach.”  He grabbed her bun and pulled her to her knees, backhanding her across the face.  “You don’t hit my children!”_

_“Akhram,” Marjina turned and crossed her arms.  “Jameela was washing the dishes.  If what Zainab said is true then her cheek would have been wet.”_

_Her captor let go of her hair causing her to collapse to the floor.  “Really, Zainab?  You pulled these kinds of stunts with the last one, too.”_

_His daughter giggled.  “It was fun to watch.”  She walked off._

_Akhram looked down at Jasper.  “Well, get up – finish those dishes, make me some tea and bring it to the living room.  I’d like a foot rub tonight once you’ve done that.”_

_A ‘no, fuck you’ stayed lodged in her throat as she staggered to her feet.  Jasper put a hand to her cheek, feeling dizzy, but before she could recover, Marjina thrust the kettle into her hands.  “I’ll do the dishes, you do the tea.”_

_Jasper filled the kettle and put it on the stove.  “Zainab had no right to say those awful things to me.”_

_“Actually, she does – if she wants.”  Marjina held up a hand before Jasper could protest.  “I’m not saying it’s nice, but she outranks you in this house.  Until you’re my brother’s wife_ and _have given him a son, you’re at the bottom.”_

_She opened the canister of tea and measured some out while deliberately speaking in English.  “So, whether I’m treated like a slave or not depends on whether Akhram’s left nut decided to pop out a Y or an X the day I got pregnant, huh?”_

_“What?”_

_“Never mind.”  She poured hot water in the teapot and put the leaves in to steep while she arranged teacups on a tray.  She looked down as she felt a tug on her dress and smiled at Taliha, though she hoped the girl didn’t need help blowing her nose again. “What is it?”_

_“Um…Zainab wants candied orange peels with her tea.”_

_Jasper rolled her eyes.  What that girl needed was a bar of soap shoved in her mouth.  “Do you want tea?”  When Taliha nodded, she continued with a smile.  “Lots of milk, right.”_

_“So it’s not too hot.”_

_“Dessert?”_

_“Cookies.”_

_Jasper looked at Marjina who gave a small nod of approval and held up two fingers.  She placed two cookies on a plate and gave it to Taliha.  “Don’t drop it.”_

_His youngest daughter was so sweet and she hoped her father wouldn’t poison that spirit with his evil ways.  She brought the tea over and poured some for everyone.  “Be careful; it’s hot,” she told Haniya who liked her tea plain.  The shy girl simply smiled at her and blew into her cup._

_There were times she felt like a part of the family and there were times, like now where she found herself under the judgmental eye of Zainab as she knelt down and took Akhram’s foot in her hands that she longed for her freedom._

_*_

Jasper sighed and wondered what had happened to the girls.  Then she rolled her eyes at how stupid she was…she had the answer right in her hands.  She turned back to where she had left off…

                And she read.

                She drank in the words, immersed herself in a world, which from Abida’s perspective, wasn’t all bad.  She’d mourned the loss of her freedom when they went to live in the prison.  Jasper read about her relationship with her father.  Abida described him as ‘devoutly religious’ and ‘somewhat strict’ but also said he was never abusive toward them.  She mentioned in one chapter where she described his mood swings that, years later, she felt he may have had undiagnosed, untreated bipolar disorder. 

                “No shit,” Jasper muttered.

                However, he seemed to never take it out on his girls, telling them: “It does no good or hurt or even kill one of our own.  I take it out on my prisoners.” 

                She choked back another ‘no shit’ as she turned the page.  Abida described her parents’ relationship as loving, but very traditional.  Her mother served Akhram without complaint, fulfilling his every desire and he gave her a wonderful and safe place to live and raise their girls.  She spoke of how her mother went into her fifth pregnancy full of joy and hope.  Abida’s words turned sorrowful at seeing how broken her father was when she lost not only the baby but her own life.  She talked of how dark her world became when her mother was no longer a part of it and the difficult change when her aunt took over in the household.  Abida found herself helping out much more with little time for learning. 

                This was when Tubaz entered her story.  In the evenings, she’d meet up with him and they’d spend time talking about books they’d read.  He would teach her to speak English and French.  Jasper was unaware he spoke French.  She would bake him cookies and bring him tea and the entire thing was described as innocent and sweet.   She wrote of the dreams she’d had for them – that someday they’d get married.  She dreamt they’d both leave this life for something simple – she was unsure where his intelligence would lead – hopefully to college and beyond – but she had thoughts of teaching.  She called it ‘a respectable job for either a single or married woman’. 

                Her father never seemed to notice their relationship as he threw himself into work, spending little time with the girls.  Abida only wrote briefly about the other two women he’d kept.  She’d never met one but knew of her existence and the other she’d brought food to, but that one kept trying to escape.  That was the woman he’d held before Jasper…the one he’d beaten for trying to escape, apparently not her first try…the one who had lost the baby and then was put to death.

                That was April of 2008. 

                Jasper turned the page to see the title of the next chapter: Jameela.  “Cool, I get my own chapter.”

                  God, what did Abida have to say about her?  She knew what the youngest ones would say – ‘Oh, Jameela?  The smelly one with the greasy hair who couldn’t read.’  Or what Zainab might remember with a laugh – ‘What a whore!  I bet she sucked my father’s cock…’

                Too bad his first wife hadn’t swallowed the load that made his second daughter.  She went on to read that Abida had been told to be careful around Jasper; Marjina had described her as a ‘trained killer’ and cautioned the girl to ‘approach her like a wild animal’.  “Thanks for your vote of confidence, Marge.”

                However, Abida wrote that she found Jasper’s company to be pleasant and her appearance ‘as if someone had splashed paint across her skin’.  She said her father called her ‘his woman stolen from a far away land’ – “Oh, so you admitted you stole me…” – and said he thought she was of Somalian descent.  “Way to listen to me, asshole…”

                _‘I knew she was a soldier, but she didn’t seem to want to harm any of us.  Any time I talked to her, she smiled and spoke softly – though occasionally, she had a sarcastic streak about her.  I didn’t visit her often and hated to think about how my father treated her.  He and my aunt may have seen her as some sort of slave, but I liked to think of her as a possible friend.’_

                _‘When Jameela came to live with us and I found out she was pregnant, my spirits lifted.  As horrifying as my future seemed with my arranged marriage, I felt perhaps I’d have not only a stepmother, which seemed odd as she was only nine or ten years older, but a friend – more like a sister.  We’d get married around the same time and maybe have children together…’_

                Jasper yawned, reading through Abida’s account of the ten-or-so days she spent with them in the house, ending with her explosion of frustration and being carted off to the small room below. 

                The chapter faded into another called ‘the seige’.  Her eyes flickered toward the clock.  She really needed sleep, but was too intrigued by the words and the promise of finding out what had happened.  She padded to the kitchen where she made herself a cup of tea and looked for something sweet.  She reached up to a high shelf where she took out a hidden box of Thin Mints Amethyst had forgotten to take when she moved.  She tried to decide whether she wanted one or two, but ultimately took the entire sleeve of cookies to the living room where she curled up on the couch and continued reading.

                Abida described the assault by Kawartaz, which unnerved Jasper and made her feel that same anger.  She still didn’t regret killing him.  Her account of that night was of her father – tenderly, as she put it – breaking the news that he had been murdered and she wouldn’t be getting married in two weeks after all.  She’d wanted desperately to ask about marrying Tubaz, but didn’t, stating she’d planned to wait until everything had died down.  She’d seen him that night, though and he’d asked a favor of her:  _“I can’t say much, but could you bring me your father’s dagger?”_

_“He…he will notice it missing.”_

                _“By the time he does, I’ll be gone.”_   She’d described her shock and how it must’ve been obvious on her face.  _“Don’t worry – I will come back for you…when it’s safe.”_  

                _“Then we can be together.”_

                Abida and her family had been enjoying dinner when they heard the commotion below them – shouting, gunshots and the stomping and shuffling of feet.  Marjina had gathered them in her room and barricaded the door by pushing the bed against it.  The two younger girls trembled and cried; Abida held Taliha close waiting for the noise downstairs to stop.  Zainab and Marjina were huddled in the corner, worried expressions on their faces.  Hours passed, even after the shooting was over and the younger girls fell asleep they didn’t move the bed or leave until the first light starting showing on the horizon.

                Marjina had left Zainab to look after her younger sisters while she and Abida descended the stairs to find a horrific scene of bodies lying in the hallways…of blood under them and on the walls.  These were men Abida had known – had walked past daily, spoken to, laughed with.  They moved them to the side, laying them along the hallways with dignity to be buried later.  She described how her heart clenched when she saw one lying face down she thought was Tubaz and the relief she felt when she turned him over and found it wasn’t.  

                _“So young…”_ her aunt had commented. 

                _“Tubaz said he’d return for me…”_

_“Forget him – think about your father!”_

                Abida was the one who found him, she’d written… _‘In a room with about a dozen others.  The blood on his neck, beard and lips had dried.  His eyes had started to take on a milky complexion staring lifeless at the ceiling.  I kissed his forehead and closed his eyes, placing his hands on his stomach.  I knew it would be my job to help clean him and bury him before sundown as tradition demanded.’_  

                Marjina had screamed when she found her eldest son gunned down in one of the hallways and later praised Allah when she found her youngest still cowering in a cabinet. _‘She’d never been more grateful that my cousin was a coward,_ ’ Abida had written.

                _“They just came in and started shooting…”_ Marjina’s son told them.  _“They didn’t ask questions…they didn’t look to be sparing anybody…”_

Abida had asked if he’d seen Tubaz to which he shook his head.  _‘I don’t know what happened that day…if he was killed or captured or simply ran off and broke his promise,’_ she’d written.  _‘Sometimes the saddest stories have the fewest words: I never saw Tubaz again…’_

                Jasper closed the book and sighed.  Abida couldn’t have known, but she recalled the Marine at the hearing saying they’d taken Tubaz as a prisoner, though with leniency.  However, they wouldn’t have let him go back to the prison for her…they likely wouldn’t let him out of their sight during the siege either, both to ensure they weren’t betrayed and for his own protection.  He wouldn’t have been able to get to the secret entrance and up the stairs to Abida.  She looked at the clock and imagined him sleeping soundly next to Nadima.  He had a good life now with his wife and children.  His citizenship ceremony would be later this month…to remind him of the past, to tell him of this book and the knowledge that Abida was alive would be cruel. 

                Her eyes flickered back to the clock.  Good Lord…she needed to sleep!  She had a test tomorrow and classes all day. 

                And yet…she knew what had happened to Tubaz…Abida’s fate was still a mystery…one she held the answers to in her hands. 

                Jasper made another mug of tea and kept devouring the words.  Marjina’s eldest son had left a widow and a fatherless child…and Akhram’s girls were left without him.  Unable – or unwilling – to care for them all, Marjina sold as many of their things in town that would fetch a good price and used it as a dowry to try and arrange a marriage for Abida to the son of a wealthy hotel owner. 

                “They still do that?”  Jasper questioned re-reading the bit about a dowry.  Though, she supposed that wasn’t much different than parents saving up for their daughter’s wedding expenses as her parents had done.  Then, when she’d had a courthouse wedding, her father had slipped her a check after the reception telling her to use it to set up house.  It had come in handy restoring their first place into a cozy home.

                However, this did not go over well for Abida when the son demanded a doctor examine her and she could no longer hide the truth of her assault.  That’s when he’d looked at Zainab and asked how old she was.  Marjina lied and said she was thirteen even though she wouldn’t be twelve until January.  She ended up marrying the son who was nearly double her age and out of pity, the father took Abida to be his fourth wife. 

                It was not ideal, but it was a place for them to live and Haniya and Taliha were guaranteed an education.  Abida’s husband also agreed she could continue her studies, but Zainab was immediately put to work by hers taking care of his home and she later told her sister she’d been expected to perform her ‘wifely duties’ every night. 

                _‘My sister’s flow had not even started yet and still she had to lay with her husband every night and pretend as though this was okay.  Zainab was often the type to keep her thoughts and emotions to herself, but I know it bothered her,’_ Abida had written _.  ‘As for my husband, he said he wouldn’t force me, but he was kind, understanding and gentle.  Despite the fact that he was older than my father had been, I gave into his desires without complaint, but if I really didn’t want to, he respected when I said no.  I appreciated this greatly.’_

                Jasper felt for them and shook her head.  “They still married children.”  Despite her feelings about the way Zainab had spoken to her and treated her, Jasper’s heart still hurt for the girl.  She was grateful no real details were given or she would have stopped reading, but sometime during her twelveth year, Zainab got her monthly visitor…and within a few months it stopped.  Jasper was appalled; she’d been the same age as Allie and over the next six months she watched her stomach expand slightly, rounding out as she prepared to become a mother.  Abida had asked her husband if he wanted more children.   He’d replied if Allah blessed them, he’d accept it, but he wasn’t particularly trying to have more.

                Abida wrote on, saying she was unsure of the details, only that she was told to come to her sister’s room one morning.  She could hear Zainab screaming even before she entered and found her laying on the bed, blood staining the sheets.  One of her husband’s wives was trying to help, but shook her head.  _“It’s too early.”_  

                She’d known something wasn’t right, but waited until the stillborn was delivered and Zainab was sitting in bed holding him that she questioned her.  All she’d said was that her husband had been very drunk the night before and beat her…horribly.  She had a black eye and some dried blood under her nose.  Chin trembling, Zainab had shaken her head as she held the baby close.  _“Baba would never have let this happen.”_

_“He’s gone.”_

_“My husband is mean and he yells and he hits me and all I can think of is that I’m being punished…I became just like one of Father’s women…”_

                Abida had told her sister she didn’t deserve any of this, that she would think of something…that she would get them out of there.  She said she wasn’t sure what had happened and probably would never know exactly, but suspected internal bleeding as Zainab grew progressively weaker…as she held her baby and Abida held her.  It was shortly before noon that the thirteen-year-old whispered: _“Am I going to see him…Baba…in Paradise?”_

 _“He’ll be there.  Mama, too.”_   And she could have maybe alerted someone and gotten help, but somehow she knew her sister would rather be delivered to a place without pain than stay here where she was surrounded by it.  She described the feeling of her sister’s head against her shoulder as her body sagged and she let out a sigh as though her troubles were leaving her.  And that was how it ended for her, as the call of prayer rang out over the city at noon, Zainab’s suffering was over.

                And Jasper, separated by thousands of miles and years later, found herself wiping away tears.  It shouldn’t have ended that way.  She should have had a long, full life and been educated and married for love.  And her husband?  Apparently, the jerk didn’t wait long to remarry and the following year when Abida’s own husband died of a heart attack, he kicked her and her sisters out…with nothing but the clothes on their backs. 

                The last part of the book detailed how they lived in a refugee center for a few months.  At least they had food, donated clothes, a roof over them and her sisters had access to some sort of education.  In March 2011, when she was eighteen, she spoke with a reporter who wrote up a story about them online. 

                Jasper paused…she had been back there.  She’d been at a base, doing her job…defending her country.  For some reason, as February became March, the very thought of work – of random things – made butterflies go crazy in her stomach.  She’d been tired…she’d been in combat and thrown when a bomb went off.  Still, she’d gotten up and kept fighting, walking back into base with all her men accounted for…only to be called into command and told to go straight to the medic.  She’d felt like passing out and there were the butterflies again.  She sat on a bed and waited until the doctor came in with her blood test results from a couple of days ago.  And as Jasper had listened, she’d placed her hand on her stomach again as one butterfly she now knew to be a hand or foot tapped at her from inside.  It was the first confirmation she had of Allie’s existence. 

                She kept reading, wondering if Abida had children.  She hadn’t gotten pregnant with her husband – that was for sure as it seemed they’d hardly slept together.  At the same time Jasper had been shipped home, away from the danger of combat to have her baby, the internet article went viral and Abida jumped at the chance to immigrate to Canada with Haniya and Taliha when it was offered.  The rest of the story had a much happier tone as a family adopted them – all of them – and they took the last name Anwar.  Abida changed her name to Amira, meaning ‘princess’ while her sisters kept theirs the same.  She worked while she got her GED and went to college, going on to become a journalist for a popular online website and, of course, publish her book. 

                In the final pages it was revealed that Haniya married before her last year of college and Taliha was in high school.  Amira was still single, stating that she hadn’t yet found the one.  Was she still pining for Tubaz?  Hoping maybe he’d come back to her someday…that she’d find him.  She realized the book had been released a couple of years ago and wondered what Haniya was doing for work.  Which college had Taliha chosen to attend and what was she studying? 

                “Mom?  Mom!” 

                Jasper startled and looked up at Allie who was already dressed in a turtleneck and jumper, her hair pulled back.  The soft light of morning had begun to creep into the living room.  Her eyes focused on the cup of tea on the side table that had grown cold and the half-eaten sleeve of cookies.  “I…I guess we should get ready for school.”

                “No – I’m good to go.  _You_ need to get ready for school.”  Allie picked up the cookies.  “We had Thin Mints?” 

                “Yeah, after half a sleeve you don’t feel so thin…”  Jasper plucked them from Allie and went into the kitchen.  “I’ll give you a couple for your lunch.”  She sighed.  “I didn’t pack your lunch…”  She was not winning Mother of the Year anytime soon.  She pulled ten dollars from her wallet.  “Buy it in the cafeteria.” 

                “For real?  I can have pizza and fries!” 

                “Try to eat at least one vegetable, please.” 

                “Pizza has tomato sauce on it – that’s a vegetable.”

                Jasper leaned against the counter, hand on her hip.  “That’s a stretch.  And tomatoes are a fruit.” 

                “Whaaaaat?”

                “I know – mind blown.”  She retreated upstairs to her room where she opened the book again, staring at the inside of the jacket…at Amira’s face and realizing very soon she may see her in person and wondered what it would be like to look at her…to know she was indirectly responsible for the tragedy of her life. 

*

                “Wait, so Amira is the daughter of the commander who held you captive?”  Lacy asked.  “Holy shit.  What are you going to do when you see her?” 

                “I don’t know.”  Jasper entered the convention center where the conference was being held and asked directions to registration.  The sound of high heels clacking on the floor surrounded her.  Most of the women wore business attire but some free spirits wore flowing skirts and sandals.  A few college-age girls milled around in jeans and T-shirts. 

                They stopped at the registration table and picked up their badges and a schedule of events.  Their talk wasn’t until two-thirty.  “There are a lot of panels about female-driven businesses and plenty about getting in touch with your feelings.  What on earth is ‘free bleeding’?” 

                “Oh, that’s where you don’t use anything to catch the blood during your period,” a passerby informed her.  “It helps you appreciate your sisters around the world who might not have access to things.  Also, did you know the tampon was actually invented by the patriarchy so women…”

                “Thank you, I got the picture.”  Jasper quickly walked off with Lacy.  “I wish I didn’t get the picture…

Lacy laughed and shook her head.  “Please tell me I wasn’t _that_ type of feminist.”

                “I don’t recall you ever bleeding all over your uniform.” 

                “Well, there was one time.  It was like a bomb went off all over my pant leg…” 

                Jasper gave her a no-nonsense look as her friend got a shit-eating grin on her face.  “You actually went there…”

                “Amira’s panel is in an hour.  You want to catch that?” 

                “Yeah, but let’s sit in the back.  I don’t want her getting flustered if she recognizes me.” 

                “You think she would after all these years?” 

                Jasper gestured to her face.  “She said it looked like I had paint splattered over me.  I don’t think she’d forget.”

                The room was packed by the time Jasper and Lacy took their seats three rows from the back.  Jasper took note of the hair of the girl in front of her – short, wavy with purple tips.  She wore a headband of flowers and was dressed in a T-shirt and overalls.  There were so many girls just like her at Jasper’s college and she wondered how different her life would have been if she’d gone right after high school.  She choked back laughter as she thought of how she would have never gotten in with her grades.  She recalled how stupid she felt – how she’d truly believed that.  She took out her phone and smiled at the e-mail with her most recent grades.  She was doing pretty well for someone who was supposedly stupid.

                Everyone clapped when Amira took her place on stage and sat down with the interviewer.  Jasper saw that she was wearing makeup; her hair fell soft and wavy down past her shoulders.  She wore a conservative blue top and a long denim skirt.  Seeing her now made Jasper wonder if she was still Muslim.

                The interviewer asked questions about the book and her past.  “Now, I want to ask you about the woman your father kept – Jameela – she sounds like one of the few positive female influences in your life according to your book.  Have you ever found her?  Reconnected?” 

                Amira shook her head.  “I wouldn’t know where to begin.  I know she was a soldier, but I didn’t even know her real name.” 

                “Did she influence you to become the strong person you are today?” 

                “I think my meeting her was a definite turning point.  It was the first time I’d met a woman from another country – one who truly believed she was equal to men…and had been treated as such.  I had very few Western influences before her and in meeting her I saw there were paths to becoming more than a wife and a mother.” 

                “Any news on your brother or sister she had?” 

                “No.  Wherever he or she is, I hope Jameela’s been a good mother.”

                Lacy reached over and squeezed Jasper’s hand, whispering:  “You okay?”

                “I’m fine.” 

                The girl in front of them looked back quickly then slowly turned around again, her eyes widening.  In a moment she smiled and waved.  Jasper raised an eyebrow and gave a nod in greeting, but she didn’t know this girl.  She knew no one here.  It took a few moments as she focused on Amira and listened to her talk about her sisters that it slowly dawned on her where she’d seen this girl before.  She recalled an aversion to footwear and a finger constantly in this girl’s nose…and a small hand tapping her awake…the feel of her hair under Jasper’s chin.  It was Taliha. 

                God, what she did dare say to her?  ‘So, are you still into dolls?’  Or how about ‘Sorry I killed your Dad, but you know, terrorist and all…’  At least she seemed to be over that whole nose picking thing.  Jasper turned to Lacy and mouthed: “Let’s go.”

                Once out in the hallway, she breathed a sigh of relief.  Lacy placed a hand on her shoulder.  “Are you okay?”

                “Those were his daughters in there…both Abida and…and the one in front of us.”  The walls seemed to close in around her as her lungs constricted. 

                Lacy pulled her over to a quiet hallway near a bathroom.  “It’s okay.  Take some deep breaths.” 

                “She recognized me.  I know she did.  I-I was supposed to m-marry her father and make us a family and I…I killed him.”

                “You did your job.”  Her friend’s good eye was serious and unyielding.  “You stopped evil before he could hurt or kill anyone else – directly or indirectly.” 

                “He was their father…”

                “He was a terrorist!”  Lacy hissed.

                “When I did it…I didn’t even think of his children…I just…did it.  All I knew in that moment was all the pain he’d caused me…and I took the knife…”  She could still remember how sharp it was, cutting the flesh of his neck like butter…feeling some resistance as she shoved it between his ribs.  In that moment, as she lay there bleeding and dying, she took a small amount of joy in watching his eyes widen in horror before the light left them.  In that moment, as he collapsed, his weight on her – for the first time – felt good as his blood soaked her abaya.  “I just didn’t think about them and without their father, they had horrible lives until they came here.”

                “What would have happened – realistically – if you hadn’t killed him?”  When Jasper didn’t answer, she continued.  “The other soldiers would have done it for you.  He was one of the most wanted terrorists in the world.  They’d have shot without asking questions or knowing he had kids.  He may have killed you before they got there.  Whether you or another soldier took him out, their lives would have been just the same.  You served your country, exactly as was expected of you – courageously – and took out the enemy – that’s what he was, okay?  America’s enemy – _your_ enemy.  You did the right thing.” 

                “Is that what Abida and her sisters would think?” 

                “You can’t worry about that.”

                 Someone cleared their throat nearby and Jasper turned to see Taliha standing there.  Her hands were in the pockets of her overalls and she smiled, her lips sparkling with glitter that matched the stuff on her eyes.  “Jameela?”  Her smile fell when Jasper simply stared at her.  “I’m sorry, I don’t know your real name.”

                She’d been four the last time Jasper had seen her, hardly coming up to her mid-thigh.  Now she was about Allie’s height…and she was here, having grown up in freedom.  Jasper wondered how much Taliha remembered of her life in Iraq.  She had no accent and she looked like any other college student Jasper may have passed on any given day.  “It’s Jasper.  I’m surprised you remember me.” 

                “There was a time I thought you were a dream or maybe an imaginary friend, but Abida said you were real.” 

                She still called her sister by her old name.  “Your father gave me the name Jameela.” 

                Taliha nodded.  “I hardly remember him.  He died when I was…”

                “I know.”

                She smiled a little.  “Sometimes it’s hard to know what I remember, what I’ve been told and what I’ve imagined.”

                Jasper crossed her arms.  “I can’t really tell you anything about your father if that’s what you want.”

                “I’d like to know about you.  I mean, do you live here now, too?  Nearby?” 

                “No.  I’m just here for the conference.  Taliha, what do you remember about me?”

                The girl shrugged.  “You were really nice and…I guess I don’t remember much.  I remember wanting a mom…maybe hoping…”

                Jasper shook her head.  “I don’t know what Abida told you, but I was a soldier – an American soldier.  I was captured during a battle and he kept me there against my will.  I was never staying; I was never going to be your mom.” 

                “She said you two were having a baby together.” 

                “Not together.  I was going to come home and have that baby – both of them; they were twins, by the way – by myself.  Then, during…the siege, I was…well, I lost that one.”  Jasper reminded herself how young Taliha had been back then and she didn’t need to know all the details.  There was a part of this girl who needed to believe whatever she did about her father.  However, there was one thing she could say – one thing she knew to be true.  “I hardly knew your dad, Taliha.  I was with him for such a short time and he was…never very nice to me.  We…” she looked at Lacy who gave her a nod to go on, “…we were enemies.  One thing I do know is that he loved you.  When he’d come into the house, you’d run to him and he’d pick you up and hug you.  Whenever he saw you girls, he got this smile on his face that I never saw him give anyone else.”

                “I guess that part wasn’t a dream then.”

                “No.  You know, from what I read in your sister’s book you have a mom and dad who really love you, so I’d focus on that instead of the past.” 

                “You read it?  You never thought to find us?” 

                Jasper tried to keep her irritation under control.  “Look, all that happened a long time ago and I’ve moved on.  Yes, I was nice to you – I’m not going to be a jerk to a kid, but my situation there almost destroyed me and it took a long time to get to where I am now.  I’m glad to see you’re doing well and I wish you the best but I don’t want to revisit that.” 

                 “Taliha!”  Her older sister stopped and gasped when she locked eyes with Jasper.  “Jameela?” 

                “Jasper.  I guess you’re called Amira, now.” 

                “Yeah.  I, uh, initially didn’t want to be…I didn’t want people to know exactly who my father was, but that was over a decade ago and now it’s pretty much public knowledge with the book and all.  I wanted to find you, to thank you.” 

                “For what?”  Jasper raised an eyebrow.

                “Um…” her eyes looked toward Taliha.  “For ending my engagement.”

                Jasper laughed.  “That was no problem – what a dick.”

                “I’m glad you survived.  I saw how the aftermath was…I was worried you’d died that night, but we didn’t find any Americans.” 

                “Yeah, they would have taken the dead and injured.” 

                “We don’t leave fallen soldiers behind,” Lacy added.

                Amira nodded.  “They wouldn’t have taken…any of ours?” 

                Jasper shook her head then realized what she was asking.  “You mean Tubaz.  He’s alive.”  She filled Amira in on his role in the entire ordeal and what he was up to now.  “I think with respect to the fact that he’s married and he’s put it all behind him…my advice would be not to contact him.” 

                “I wrote the book a few years ago, before I met my husband.”  She held up her hand with her wedding ring sparkling in the light.  “I’m glad to hear Tubaz is alive and happy.”

                “And it’s good to see you two are here…what about Haniya?” 

                “She’s good.  She couldn’t come though.” 

                “She had a baby!”  Taliha offered excitedly.  “Last month – a girl.” 

                Lacy put a hand on Jasper’s shoulder.  “We should probably get ready for our own talk.” 

                It wasn’t for another couple of hours, but Jasper knew Lacy was just trying to get her out of this awkward situation.  Jasper gave another smile.  “It was nice seeing you again.” 

                Taliha put her arms out almost awkwardly.  It reminded Jasper of when she’d been little, how the girl would come up randomly for a hug.  Fine, if this was the end of it, fine.  Jasper wrapped her arms around her for a moment then pulled away before shaking Amira’s hand.  She guessed this was the last thing she had to take care of before completely closing that chapter of her life.

*

                The hotel room was comfortable with two double beds, each with a box of chocolates by the pillows and a welcome card from the conference.  “Nice touch,” Lacy commented, opening one of the boxes.

                Jasper set her box on the bedside table.  “I cannot wait to get out of these pantyhose.”  She slipped her shoes off.

                “We haven’t had dinner yet – you want to order room service?” 

                “You know how expensive that is?” 

                “It’s on the conference,” Lacy spoke in a sing-song voice while swinging the welcome card back and forth. 

                “Okay, but first.”  She slid her skirt to the floor and wiggled out of her pantyhose.  “Goddamn, those are like a torture device.”

                Lacy laughed.  “Imagine back when we had to wear corsets.”

                “I should have thought to wear pants like you did.” 

                “No – if I had great legs like yours, I’d wear a skirt too.”  She undid her pants and let them drop to the floor.  “I’m usually pretty confident in my appearance, but at events like this, I want people to focus on my message – not my prosthetic.” 

                “I honestly forget you have that most of the time.” 

                “I’m good at hiding it.”  Lacy laughed as she undid her shirt.  “You know, when it happened, I didn’t even notice my leg.  I remember thinking ‘oh God, my face’ and I couldn’t see out of my eye, so I reached up to wipe the blood away and there was a piece of metal stuck in there…I think I must’ve passed out after that.  I don’t remember much of the next week, but I have vague memories of you visiting before I was med-evac’d out of there.”

                “I saw you twice.  They said they might be able to save your eye.” 

                She gave another laugh.  “That was optimistic.  They later told me I was lucky that piece of shrapnel was too big to go any deeper or I would have been looking at brain damage.  On the bright side, when my boys were younger, I was coolest mom at birthday parties because I could pop my eye out.  No matter what clown or magician you hire, you’re not gonna top that.”

                “They thought that was cool?” 

                “Oh yeah.  They always wanted to try and see my brain – I had to explain it doesn’t quite work that way.  Adults always want to know ‘does your husband get freaky with that thing’?  It doesn’t work that way either.” 

                “I’ve never seen you without your…”  Before Jasper could finish, her friend had lifted her lid and skillfully slid out her glass eye.  “Well, I guess you’re not really besties until you’ve watched someone take their eyeball out…so, guess who I recognized at our panel of all people?”

                “Who?”  Lacy retreated to the bathroom.  “I should probably wash this thing – keep talking, I can still hear you.” 

                “Amarela Diamante was sitting in the front row.  I was a little shocked at first, but then I realized, she is a CEO and a female powerhouse, so I guess it’s not so bad.  There was another woman with her – unsure who she was.”

                “Wearing a pink tweed outfit?  Blonde, bouffant hair?” 

                “Yeah.” 

                “Must’ve been Primrose Diamante – co-CEO of the Eastern Division.”  Lacy returned to the room, her makeup gone and her eye back in place.  “She’s also Amarela’s sister-in-law.” 

                “Wait – that was Alabaster’s _wife_?  Or is it ‘ex-wife’ now – hopefully she left his ass.”

                Lacy shook her head after pulling on a night shirt.  “No, I think they’re back together, actually.  I read something a while back where they opened a family center near a hospital where parents and siblings of sick kids can stay at reduced rates or free, if they qualify.” 

                She remembered her last interaction with Alabaster – when she’d reminded him of what marriage vows were supposed to mean.  She recalled Amarela saying his wife was really into charity work.  Perhaps people could change.  Maybe he had seen the error of some of his ways and resolved to try and set things right.  “That’s…a good thing.” 

                “Primrose has always been big into charity.” 

                Jasper recalled that, too.  As she lay in bed later that night, she got that indescribable feeling that maybe something…unknown, but new and exciting was on the horizon.


	31. Lion's Den

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This does not have much to do at all with the character Lion, though he will make a cameo (or a smaller yellow version of him). Also guest appearance by Skinny and Rhodonite "Rhodie".
> 
> Please present your permission slip and have a sandwich ready as we are going to be going on a feels trip - be prepared with a huge 'WTF' at the end.

** Chapter 30 – Lion’s Den **

                Jasper leaned her head against Greg’s shoulder as they sat on the couch together…thankful for this…just this, right here.  The kids were in the kitchen enjoying pie and she was winding down from a family-filled day of food, laughter and celebration. 

                “You know, that was my first Samoan celebration,” Greg commented. 

                “I know it was loud and crazy and everyone was in our business…”

                “It was fun.  You know, Rose passed around Thanksgiving and I think this is the first year Stuball and I have really done a lot for it.  I think it was good for us.” 

                “Once when I was pregnant with Allie, I craved an entire Thanksgiving meal – in May.” 

                Greg laughed.  “Must’ve been hard to find a turkey.” 

                “Bismuth substituted chicken – it was the cranberry sauce he had trouble finding.” 

                “But he made you a turkey…er, chicken…dinner?” 

                Jasper nodded.  “Yeah.” 

                “Now, Amethyst’s potatoes…how did she…”

                “Trust me – they’re good, but they should come with a warning from the American Heart Association.”  She dropped her voice to a whisper.  “The secret is ranch powder.”

                “That doesn’t sound unhealthy.” 

                “It’s not – it’s the entire container of sour cream and the two sticks of butter that’ll kill you.”

                “Yikes – and I had two helpings.” 

                Jasper smiled and looked down as a fluffy, yellow cat rubbed against her legs.  “We should go for a run tomorrow then.”  She picked up the cat and set him on her lap.  “Hey, Lion, how you doing?” 

                “You know, we’re doing well and the kids get along – I think maybe we should look into the next step.” 

                _Please tell me he’s not going to propose on the couch while I’m petting his cat._   “The next step?” 

                “Moving in together.” 

                “Oh.  That might be nice.”  It was kind of a comforting thought that her daughter wouldn’t be completely alone after school with Steven there.  “Your place or mine?  Because mine’s bigger – might be more comfortable.”

                Greg was silent while he thought for a moment.  “True – I only have the two bedrooms, so the kids would have to share and that probably wouldn’t be a great idea.” 

                “No, they’re both at an age where they need privacy.  We could rent this house out so you don’t have to worry about your payments.”

                “Oh, it’s paid off.” 

                “Still – I mean, if you’re comfortable with it – renting might be a good idea – a little extra money.” 

                He reached over and scratched Lion’s ears.  “I think we should probably put all our financial information out in the open, Jasps.” 

                Oh great, now I’m going to find out he’s a porn star or something.  “Okay, well, I basically live on my military retirement, which isn’t much, but it’s enough – house is paid off, but I still have car payments and regular expenses.  I was only able to go to Samoa because my father pre-paid the trip and I still for the life of me can’t figure out how Allie’s braces got paid for, but I’m keeping the five grand in my savings account just in case a mistake was made, which I’m sure it was.”

                Greg nodded and sighed.  “I’m…a little better off.” 

                “Car wash is that lucrative?” 

                “It got us by, but my manager sold my comet song as a burger jingle a couple of years ago – with all the royalies, I’m…better off, well off…” 

                “What?  Like…the Diamantes?”

                He gave an amused laugh.  “Not that rich, but all I’ve spent my money on is paying for this house and taking Steven on a trip to Empire City.  Don’t get mad, but I paid for Allie’s braces.” 

                “Greg!” 

                “I said ‘don’t get mad’.” 

                “I didn’t need your charity.”  She’d known it had to be something like that. _Low income program, my ass_ , she thought.  She leaned back on the couch.  Lion meowed at her and then leapt away when she gave him a look.  “I saved for years to get my daughter the braces she needed.” 

                “And you struggled and your mom was going downhill fast.”  He rubbed her back.  “You had enough to worry about and that money you saved could have helped your mom.” 

                “Yeah, except that problem sort of resolved itself.”

                “How is she doing?” 

                “Don’t change the subject.”  Jasper took a deep breath.  She guessed she couldn’t completely be angry with him.  Greg had just been trying to do something nice, but they hadn’t been dating long – especially not when he’d done it.  She felt wrong about taking his money.  “I can pay you back.” 

                “You don’t have to – it’s a gift.” 

                “It’s too much.” 

                “Look, Jasper, I live simply.  I don’t want to flaunt what I have or for people to treat me differently.  I want Steven to grow up being well-grounded and appreciate that most people don’t have what we do.  Of course, we didn’t have this until a couple of years ago, but now I do.  Now I can pay for Steven’s college education and Allie’s braces and maybe every year we can take a nice vacation without worry.”

                “I…I love you even without your money.” 

                “I know – I remember you talking about how you appreciate the simple things in life and we can keep it that way, but if we’re moving in together then I figured maybe it would be nice to know that we don’t have to worry.  I can even help pay for your college.” 

                “It’s a nice thought, but the government is covering that.”  Jasper smiled a bit as Greg rubbed her back and she leaned into his touch again.  Maybe she needed to learn how to accept being taken care of sometimes.  “I never really knew we didn’t have a lot of money.  I mean, growing up, I knew we weren’t rich, but I always had enough and we were happy.  So, we’re not going to live extravagantly – I want Allie to grow up like any normal kid, not a rich snob like…well, like Skylar.”

                “Agreed, but you know, every kid should go to Disney World at least once.  Maybe next summer?” 

                Jasper shook her head.  “Summer in Florida?  Plus, think of how crowded it would be.”

                “Spring break?” 

                “Sounds good.”  Maybe being able to give Allie a few nice things she otherwise couldn’t afford wasn’t so bad.  She felt his fingers in her hair. 

                “Hey, what’s this?” 

                “What?” 

                “It’s a white patch.”

                She snickered.  “Don’t be silly.” 

                “I’m not, love.” 

                Jasper retreated to the bathroom where she inspected the area Greg had been touching.  True to his word, about a quarter-sized area of her hair had started to turn white.  She parted more of her hair, finding other patches, including one near the back of her neck with about an inch of white hair sprouting from it.  “What the hell?” 

*

                “So, it’s your vitiligo?”  Amethyst asked as they browsed a Christmas sale. 

                “That’s what the doctor said.  Apparently it’s spread to my scalp without me realizing and that can cause the hair to turn white, which I should have known because the tip of my eyebrow is white, but I really never gave it much thought.”  She flipped through a rack of clothes that were Allie’s size. 

“Just what kids want for Christmas – ugly sweaters.”

“I never thought I’d be going white at forty-one.” 

“So, what are you going to do?”

                “I’ll probably go see Skinny – maybe she can do something.” 

                “I mean, I love her – she’s family and all, but she charges _a lot_.” 

                Jasper caught sight of some tank tops.  Really?  In December?  “I know, but I’d rather go to someone I trust instead of some stranger.  Besides, um…Greg and I are moving in together so, that’ll help.” 

                “Really?  That’s exciting.  Oooh…”  Amethyst placed hand on her stomach.

                “You okay?” 

                “It’s one of those, like, practice-hick contractions.” 

                “Braxton-Hicks,” she corrected.  “You’re not due for almost two months.” 

                “I had them up to a month before I had Crystal – had her a week early.  Maybe I’m just more in tune this time.”  Amethyst laughed.  “Everyone was telling me ‘you’ll know when it’s a real contraction’ – but then I had back labor for like fourteen hours before I felt a ‘real’ contraction.” 

                “It woke me up.  I labored at home most of the day and went into the hospital that night – Allie was born two days before her due date.”

                “I’m nearly thirty-two weeks and they’re already putting his weight at nearly seven pounds, so I’m probably giving birth to a nine-pounder.” 

                “Jesus…he really is Tani Jr.” 

                Amethyst laughed as she picked up a shirt with hearts on it that looked as though it would fit Crystal.  “We decided on Daniel.  He liked that name.”

                Jasper plucked one of the tank tops in blue off the rack and ran her fingers along the beaded neckline.  “You think they recycle styles?” 

                “You bet they do.  That looks like…” 

                “Yeah, but in Allie’s size and favorite color.  Besides, if she gets paint on this one it’ll only cost me…” she checked the tag, “…fifteen dollars.  Maybe it’s time she had her own adventures…”

*

                “Can I get my hair done too?”  Allie asked as they walked into the salon.  “I’m thinking this style.”  She pulled out her phone and showed Jasper a photo of a woman with an afro on one side of her head and braided design on the other.

                “Um…no – pick one, braids or an afro but not both.  And personally, I don’t think your hair is the right consistency for an afro.”

                “But I could do like braids with some color.” 

                “We’ll see what Skinny can manage.”

                Her cousin walked up and greeted them.  She wore tight pants and a midriff-baring top, which showed off a belly button ring glinting in the light.  Her name was Sefina, but everyone called her ‘Skinny’ due to her lack of curves.  “Cut and color?” 

                “Yeah and I think Allie wants something, too, not too crazy.” 

                “Braids and color – like pink, blue and purple.  Like my braces.”  Allie grinned, showing off the colors she’d just had put on when her wires were changed. 

                “Okay.  I’ll get Rhodie to handle that – she’s familiar with African-American styles and she’ll make you look fabulous.”

                A tall woman with an afro took Allie over to a chair and combed through her hair.  “And color is okay with Mom?”  She looked at Jasper.  “I can use extensions of different colors in the braids so I don’t have to bleach or dye her natural hair.” 

                Jasper nodded.  “That’s fine.”   She sat down at another chair and let Skinny look through her hair.  “I don’t know what to do, really…um…it just started turning white.” 

                “Well, we can dye the white parts darker, or we can lighten all over.  We could be twinsies.”  Skinny swished her short, platinum blonde hair back and forth. 

                “Yeah ‘cause we look alike.”  She sighed.  “You think I’d look okay going lighter?” 

                “Oooh, can we do red and green with…um…with Christmas lights?”  Allie asked from the next chair. 

                “Allie!”  Jasper rolled her eyes.

                “My mom hates Christmas.” 

                 “That’s not it – you are a human being, not a tree.  How are they going to put functioning lights in your hair?”

                Rhodie chuckled.  “Besides, these can last up to eight weeks, so non-Christmas colors would be best.  I do have extensions with tinsel in them though.”

                “Are we cutting it?”  Skinny asked.   “You could easily donate twelve inches and not miss it.  Plus, it would cut down on the cost of coloring.” 

                Jasper thought about how hard her hair was to manage.  “Um, yeah, cut it about mid-back and put in some layers.”

                “Not as short as last time?” 

                Her mind flew back to fifteen years ago when her mom had brought Skinny by the psychiatric ward to fix her hair – to “make it look like a choice” as Penina had put it.  It had been a bad day, psychologically speaking, and Jasper hadn’t said anything to anyone, not even Skinny as she’d taken out her scissors and given her a pixie cut.  _“That’s the best I can do with this, Auntie.  You like it, Jasper?”_

                She hadn’t been able to look at herself in the mirror.  She only remembered the words Akhram had said just before hacking her hair off: _“I have tried with you, I really have, but you are impossible.  You are an unnatural woman.  You want to fight like a man?  Dress like a man?  Huh?”_  

                Well, he’d done it hadn’t he?  Cropped hair and a busted uterus…he’d really tried to destroy her.  She remembered looking in the mirror long after Skinny and her mother had left – with the short hair, her strong facial features stood out and made her look more masculine than ever before.  Even when the Army had cut it at eighteen, it had been shoulder length and had some layers.  It had been the most feminine part of her – her ‘crowning glory’ her mom called it.  She’d cried for the better part of an hour…no one would ever want her or love her…

                This isn’t like that, she reminded herself.  She would still have plenty of hair to play with and comb through.  She’d still look feminine and pretty.  “I hope this doesn’t make me look older.” 

                “Naw,” Skinny mixed up a bleach solution in a bowl.  “Your hair is going to look like starlight – bold, energetic.” 

                She turned her thoughts to months later when Bismuth had come home and she’d seen him again for the first time since she was rescued.  He’d stroked her cheek and her hair, which had grown out into a short layered style that framed her face and made her look and feel like a woman again.  He’d thought she was beautiful…and loved her unconditionally.  She moved her eyes, taking a glimpse at Allie who chattered away while having her hair braided. 

                Christmas was coming, though this year it didn’t seem filled with the dread it had in the past.  Had it really almost been five years since two men showed up at her door and her world stopped? 

                “So, my parents are willing to have Christmas at their place this year,” Skinny told her.  “I know it was usually at your parents’ but…” 

                God, it was her first Christmas without her mom and dad.  She recalled the e-mail she’d recently received from Rangi saying her mother was tired and still thought it was 1970-something, but overall doing well, as was everyone else.  “I’ll talk to Amethyst – we might have it at her place or Tani’s parents’.” 

                “What about our place?”  Allie asked. 

                “We don’t even have a tree.” 

                “Those are so hard to find this time of year,” Skinny commented sarcastically as she brushed the mixture into Jasper’s hair. 

                Maybe it was time…maybe she should talk to Greg and they should get a tree and start some traditions as the new family they were slowly becoming. 

*

                They’d decided on colors of red, gold and white and spent the bulk of the next Saturday placing ribbons and shiny orbs on a fake tree now erected in the living room.  Still, Jasper’s heart would not stay calm as she remembered the tragedy of before.   She lovingly held the star in her hands before gently placing it on the top, completing this symbol of light and hope. 

                “It looks beautiful,” Greg commented. 

                “We always had an angel,” Allie said. 

                Jasper nodded.  “We did, but this year I think we have real angels watching over us.  It was time for a change.”

                Steven plugged in the tree and it lit up, the fiber optic lights twinkling.  Jasper put an arm around him and pulled him close, immersing herself in this one perfect moment as they prepared for this time of year, which had been so difficult for her, but maybe…just maybe this year, it would hold good things. 

                Then there was a knock on the door and she felt her breathing stop as she exchanged glances with Greg.  He nodded and went to answer it. 

                “Is there a Ms. Jasper Palamo here?” a man’s voice asked. 

                She heard Greg’s voice.  “What is this regarding?” 

                “I have something for her – strict instructions to give it only to her.” 

                Jasper came up behind him and saw a man in what appeared to be a driver’s suit…a man who looked vaguely familiar.  “Do you work for the Diamantes?” 

                “Are you Jasper Palamo?”  When she nodded, he handed her a shiny pink envelope.  “This is for you.  I’ll await your response.” 

                Jasper opened it and read the flowing script on the card inside inviting her to a luncheon with Primrose on the following Saturday afternoon at the same country club where she’d met Alabaster.  “I…uh…”

                “Mrs. Cortez has already accepted.  If you accept, I’ll pick you up around eleven-thirty next Saturday.” 

                She re-read the card and nodded.  “Yes, I’ll go.” 

                “Semi-formal attire, ma’am.” 

                Jasper thanked him before closing the door and retreating to the kitchen.  “I should wear the red dress and remind Alabaster what he screwed up.”  She plunked a magnet on top of the invitation, but the paper was too thick and both fell to the floor by the fridge.

                “He must’ve done you dirty.” 

                “He said I wasn’t marriage material.” 

                Greg’s eyes widened and in true optimistic fashion, his words attempted to give Alabaster the benefit of the doubt.  “Maybe it’s because you’re strong and independent.” 

                “No, it’s because I’m not white.  I thought the relationship would pan out into more than just caviar and great sex, but I wasn’t marriage material for him because I was born the wrong color.”  She wondered if he’d corrected the racism, too but that was likely more ingrained than his disregard for marriage vows.  “He could fuck me, sure, but marriage, oh no…”

                “Oh boy, that’s…what a jerk.  There’s no such thing as the wrong color, Jasps.  I’d love you if you were neon green.” 

                Jasper laughed.  “Well now, that’s…that’s something.”

                “It’s true.  When we met, I didn’t focus on anything except you…your eyes, your laughter, your spirit – that’s what I saw.” 

                “I know – you’re a good person.”  She picked up the invitation and read it again.  “This only says Primrose will be there anyway, not Alabaster.”

                “What do you suppose she wants?” 

                “I-I…the hell if I know.  I guess I’ll find out on Saturday.”

*

                Jasper walked beside Lacy, dressed in the burgundy dress with the lace sleeves that she’d worn to her co-worker’s wedding – the last time she’d been here.  Even though she wore pantyhose, the higher side of the hem showed the lower part of her _pe’a_.  Oh well, there was no time to worry about that – if she was meeting with rich snobs, she’d do it as herself.  She almost rolled her eyes and turned around when she saw Alabaster coming over to meet them.  She turned to Lacy and whispered.  “You know that feeling when you’re about to meet someone and you realize you sucked her husband’s cock?”

                “Can’t say I do.” 

                He smiled at them and shook Lacy’s hand.  “You are Mrs. Cortez?”  When Lacy nodded, he laughed lightly.  “I expected…never mind.  It’s nice to meet you.  My wife and I have been expecting you.  Mrs. Cortez, she’s waiting just in there if you’d like to go ahead.  I need to speak with Ms. Palamo privately.” 

                Jasper shook her head.  “Go on, Lacy.  I’m okay.”  She looked up at him after her friend had walked off beyond the double doors.  _A pity,_ she thought, _that such an attractive man is such an unbelievable douchebag._   “What do you want?”

                Alabaster stood straight and clasped his hands in front in front of him.  “It’s good to see you.  Your hair is…remarkable.” 

                “Thanks – I know it’s your favorite color.” 

                “I suppose I deserve that.  I thought a lot about what you said the last time we saw each other.  You were right.  The vows of marriage are not to be taken lightly and I didn’t keep them as I should have.  I realized I must’ve married Primrose for a reason.  So, I went back to her, and bless her, she took me back.”

                Jasper crossed her arms.  “I guess that’s…that’s good.” 

                “I didn’t deserve a second chance, but she gave me one and I can’t say things are perfect, however, we’re working together on our marriage…to strengthen it, to rekindle the love that brought us together in the first place.”  He gave her a smile.  “I don’t think I would have done so if I never met you, so thank you.” 

                “Uh…you’re welcome?”  _That’s not supposed to be a question, doofus_ , she reminded herself.

                “Listen, Jasper, my wife knows that I wasn’t faithful, but she doesn’t know any specifics.  She doesn’t know we had a relationship and I’d prefer to keep it that way.  She wants…we want…your help in doing good in the world and I’m not sure how comfortable she’d be with that if she knew.” 

                “I won’t say anything.”  It was the least she could do.  She’d given him the push to see his mistakes, to admit to them and attempt to change his ways.  “Is that all?” 

                “Was there something else?” 

                “You said I wasn’t marriage material.  Don’t you think that comment may have been just a little hurtful?” 

                “Did I?  I didn’t mean to upset you, I’m sure.”  He looked her up and down.  “I’m sure for the…right person…you’ll be perfect.”  Another polite smile and he gestured to the door.  “We shouldn’t keep Primrose and Mrs. Cortez waiting.” 

                Jasper had noticed he hadn’t made a move to shake her hand.  And what was that ‘right person’ crap?  She realized from the way he’d been surprised that he hadn’t expected Lacy to be white.  Apparently there was still some room for improvement, she realized as she followed him into the restaurant. 

                She gave his wife a smile as she sat down.  “Hello, Mrs. Diamante.  I’m Jasper Palamo.” 

                “I remember, but you look a bit different from when I saw you at the conference.  Your hair looks like Storm’s from _X-Men_ – it suits you,” Primrose commented.

                “You know _X-Men_?”

                “I used to read it all the time as a kid.”

                Jasper noticed they were probably close to the same age.  Primrose wore a modest, pink dress.  “So, do all of you have signature colors?  I just noticed Amarela usually wears yellow and that’s what her name means, right?” 

                “You’re very perceptive.”  Primrose smiled.  “I was impressed by both of you at the conference.  I’ve never been a victim of such a crime, so I can only imagine how devastating it must be, but you have taken your tragic pasts and put your energy into creating something positive and beautiful out of it.  What is your plan over the next five years for your program?” 

                Lacy unfolded her napkin and placed it on her lap when a waiter came with small salads.  “Well, we hadn’t really thought that far ahead, but we figured we’d just keep speaking to schools.” 

                “I have been on a board of directors who want to start a crisis center here in town.  Now, we have a women’s clinic, but they’re primarily medical.  This center would be responsible for therapy – at discounted rates or even free, education – like the type you’re providing, emotional support, including people to accompany victims to the hospital.”  She looked at Lacy.  “Mrs. Cortez, you spoke of going for an exam, do you think it would have been easier to have someone with you?” 

                “I’ve always considered myself a very strong person and I was ready for my stepdad’s abuse to stop, but I can imagine how comforting it would have been, yes.”

                Jasper thought back to squeezing Lacy’s hand as she waited at the women’s clinic.  “After what happened to me, I felt incredibly alone and I know it meant the world when Lacy was there with me while I had the abortion.”

                “Now, my husband and I are busy with other charities.  Have you two ever thought to make this a permanent project?” 

                “Well, I don’t think we ever thought to stop…”  Jasper said. 

                “I would like…” Primrose placed her hand on her husband’s.  “We would like you two to help head this crisis center.  Do either of you have a business degree?” 

                Lacy shook her head.  “No – I’m a physical therapist, or was before my husband got a promotion and we had three kids.” 

                “I’m in school to be a nutritionist.”  Jasper paused, recalling how much she dreaded some of the classes and how if they did this, it would impact so many more lives in a positive way.  “But I’m only a semester in – I could change my major.”

                “You would be willing to do that?”  Alabaster asked. 

                “Yes.  I think this project is worth it and even if something changes, a business degree is never a bad thing.”  Jasper shrugged.  “I can always fall back on personal training if I need to.”

                “It may take a couple of years to get it off the ground and get it really running,” Primrose told them.  “So you’d need to be in it for the long haul.  We are funding it, but we wouldn’t be directly involved as we have our company and other charity word that needs our attention.” 

                “Besides, my wife feels people who are passionate about this would be a better fit to head the project.” 

                “We can discuss specifics later, but I must say even Amarela was impressed by your presentation and supports this decision.” 

                That meant little to Jasper as she didn’t really know Amarela and honestly didn’t care what she thought, but she did like the idea for this crisis center.  “May I suggest anonymous phone counseling – as a start?  I know there are national programs, but to be able to talk to someone in your own community who understands and can help might be nice.” 

                “Good idea.”  Primrose smiled at them.  “So…are you in?” 

                Jasper looked over at Lacy and shrugged.  “To the next step?” 

                Lacy gave her a smile and nodded.  “The next step.  Yes – we’re on board.”

*

                “I’m making Mom’s special homemade fudge,” Amethyst said as she put a large bag of chocolate chips in the cart.  “These are the last few days before Crystal is on winter break and I plan to make as many treats as I can while she’s not in the house to bug me.”

                “Have you figured out her school situation?”  Jasper read the nutritional information on a package of marshmallows, wrinkled her nose and put them back.

                “I don’t want her to skip a grade because socially and emotionally she’s still around six years old, but I’m worried not giving her the best education will hurt her too.”  Amethyst threw two packages of walnuts on top of the chocolate chips.  “They’ve suggested private school, but the only one in this area is the Catholic school.”

                “Nothing wrong with that.” 

                “Yeah, try convincing Tubaz.  I didn’t even bring it up with him because I don’t want to have that conversation.”  Amethyst sighed and checked her list.  “They have a private school near their house, which I’ve checked out and it’s nice, but I don’t know how Crystal will feel about living with them.” 

                “Crystal loves her dad and Nadima and her siblings.  I don’t think she’s going to have too many complaints.” 

                She rubbed her back.  “I’m having a baby – it’s kind of a poor time to spring on her ‘oh, by the way, I’m sending you to live with your dad.’  You think I can give them some fudge?”

                “I think that would be nice.  You may want to make sure no one’s allergic to nuts.”

                “I mean, fudge is _halal_ , right?” 

                “Yes,” Jasper answered slowly.  That’s when she suspected Amethyst’s real reason for being hesitant.  “Please tell me that’s not what this is about.” 

                “I don’t want it to be…I’ve always considered myself accepting and I hate whatever part of me is holding back because of this.”  Amethyst folded the piece of paper. 

                “You need to focus on what’s best for Crystal.  If living with her father gives her access to a better education and a stong family unit then that should be a no-brainer.” 

                “The private school is four or five blocks from their house.  Her sister will start kindergarten there next year.  Nadima’s mother watches the kids while they’re at work and would be there after school.  It’s a beautiful neighborhood in a safe part of Empire City.  Every kid should have this kind of opportunity.  A good mom wouldn’t hesitate on this, but I let her go and live with them and I lose any control over her religious education.” 

                “Ames, you can have all the control you want, but once she grows up, no matter what you teach her, she will make her own decision.  I was given the same Catholic upbringing you were and I can hardly call myself a Christian.  Bismuth and I didn’t raise Allie particularly religious and she goes to church every Sunday.  Crystal gets to be in two families both with beautiful traditions and ways of worshipping God and will grow up to make her own decision.  I mean, as long as she’s not in a devil-worshipping cult, I think you did your job well.” 

                “And if she gets confused and grows up to believe in nothing?” 

                Jasper shrugged.  “Then that’s her decision and you may not like it or agree with it, but ultimately, it’s up to her.  You need to focus on what’s best for her overall education.”

                “And how do I convince her I’m not making her move because of the baby?” 

                “That’s a little trickier.  I guess just assure her you love her and let her know the visitation schedule.  And know that she may not understand now, but when she’s older, she’ll look back and thank you.” 

                “Yeah…”  Amethyst put a hand to her side as her face contorted in discomfort.  “Child, please get your foot out of my rib.”

                Jasper watched as her sister’s belly moved.  “Wow…” 

                “Yeah, it freaks Tani out like every time.”  Amethyst laughed.  “He keeps talking about putting a football on my stomach and see if Daniel can kick it yet.”

                “Watch, Tani’s son will have a love of ballet.” 

                “Well, he wants more, so we may have another shot.  But I told him, I’m thirty-three now – almost thirty-four – so we gotta do this before my womb shrivels up and dies.  I mean after thirty-five, it’s considered risky.”

                “Yeah, plus your chance of twins increases.” 

                “Really?” 

                “Uh-huh – and twins run in our family.” 

                “Fuck…”  The sisters rounded a corner and Amethyst looked at some candy for stockings.  “I can’t believe it’s Christmas already.  And I really can’t believe you put up a tree.” 

                “I didn’t realize how much I missed having one.  I found the ornament – the wedding one – in my desk drawer and I tried putting it away before Greg could see me looking at it.  He took it and put it up on the tree.  He’s so understanding…of course, he’s lost someone too.  He has a rose ornament we put up to remember Steven’s mom.”

                “That’s beautiful.” 

                “So, Christmas at your place?” 

                “Well, we’re doing Christmas Eve at Tani’s parents’ place and we’ll all go to Midnight Mass, but in the morning we’ll be at my place for presents and Auntie and Uncle’s for dinner.  You know, everyone loves Greg – maybe he’ll propose to you.” 

                Jasper shook her head and scoffed.  “We’ve only been dating for like five months – it’s too soon.   Besides, he knows Bismuth proposed on Christmas so I hope he wouldn’t choose that date.”

                “Sounds like co-habitation is agreeing with you.”

                “We’re all getting along and it’s nice to share a bed with someone again.”  Jasper rolled her eyes when Amethyst snickered.  “Not like that…well, like that too.”

                “Are we doing anything for our relatives in Samoa?”

                “It’ll melt.  I’m sending Rangi some money to give to Onike – to help care for Mom – and I bought a whole bunch of flip flops on wholesale and I’m sending those to Apolima.  Most people there didn’t have shoes.  I mean, they’ll probably get there after Christmas, but I know they’ll appreciate it.”  She’d also bought a fishing pole for her aunt – a collapsible one she could easily fit into a box.  She’d picked out a very nice pair of flip flops for her mom with beading on them that would sparkle in the sun.  Her mom wouldn’t even remember her, but she’d likely appreciate the shoes.

                “Have you thought about what you want for Christmas?”  Amethyst asked.

                Jasper shook her head.  “I’m a simple girl – don’t need much.  I want the whole family together and a nice holiday.  I want delicious food.” 

“Oh come on.  There’s gotta be something.”

She shrugged and then laughed.  “Maybe a new car.”

                “Yeah, you wish.”

*

                “Look, I’m telling you right now, you show up at Amethyst’s with any other kind of potato dish, she will kill you.” 

                Greg lifted the lid on the pot.  “It’s sweet potatoes.  It’ll have cinnamon, nutmeg and marshmallows.  A good old DeMayo recipe.” 

                “That was our name before Dad changed it to Universe,” Steven told her. 

                She considered herself very lucky she was keeping her maiden name as she really didn’t want to be Jasper Universe or Jasper DeMayo.  What was she even thinking?  There was no guarantee her and Greg would even end up married.  Maybe it wouldn’t work out.  Maybe they would continue to ‘live in sin’ without shame.  No one said they _had_ to be married.

                A frantic knock on the door caught her attention.  “Alright!  Keep your pants on!”  She opened to the door to see Tani standing there.  “Please, keep your pants on.”

                “Uh…Amethyst…baby…um, Crystal…I don’t know!” 

                She’d had more coherent conversations with houseplants.  “Deep breath, start over.  What’s going on?” 

                “Amethyst is having contractions and it’s too early, so we need to go to the hospital, right?”  When she nodded, he continued.  “And Crystal is in the car – I don’t know what to do with her.  And I think I saw the baby’s head!” 

                “When did all this start?” 

                “Uh…half an hour ago.” 

                “Did her water break?”

                “Uhhh…I don’t think so.”

                “Okay, then you did not see the head.  Bring Crystal in here and Greg can watch her.” 

                “My parents were supposed to, but I haven’t called them.” 

                “Right, well, she won’t be allowed in the hospital room, so bring her in here – Greg will watch her while they wait for your parents.  I will follow you to the hospital in my car.”

                “I can drive you.” 

                “I don’t trust your driving right now – considering the way you parked…all over my bushes.  I wouldn’t be surprised if Ames wants to ride with me.”

                She’d later find out it took Tani only about five minutes to drive the short distance to the hospital compared to her nine, but as Amethyst put it: “That’s what happens when you run two red lights driving like a madman.”

                Jasper put an arm around Amethyst as they walked through the halls and onto the elevator.  Amethyst panted.  “Okay, we did the stork visit thing…so, we’re prereg…”   She cried out as she held her stomach.

                Jasper rubbed her sister’s back.  “Breathe.”  She looked over at Tani who was frantically pushing the button for their floor.  “Dude, chill.” 

                “It’s too early.” 

                “Six weeks.  I was born that early and I turned out fine – and that was forty years ago.  Maybe they can even stop the labor, put you on bed rest and give him a couple more…”  Jasper looked down as Amethyst whimpered and clear liquid ran down her legs, pooling on the elevator floor.  “Or not.”

                Once on the maternity floor, a nurse got Amethyst settled in a room and took her vitals.  She was a friendly woman with a huge smile.  “I remember you – little girl about six years ago.” 

                “Yeah – Crystal.  This is my second one.” 

                “Good to have you back.  This says we’re doing an epidural.” 

                “Hell yes.” 

                “I’ll have the doctor come in as soon as she can.”  The nurse smiled and walked off. 

                “Okay, what does the father usually do?”  Tani asked. 

                “Stay with Amethyst – hold her hand, rub her back, stay calm.  They’ll bring ice chips in for her, but only give them if she asks because I remember Bismuth trying to get me to eat ice every five minutes like an ice chip was going to soothe the pain.  I was ready to shove that cup up his ass.”

                “I could do a popsicle – like one of those red, white and blue ones…” Amethyst said, rubbing her belly. 

                “It’s December,” Jasper reminded her.

                “Or Jell-o, or maybe like a full on pancake breakfast with bacon and eggs.” 

                “Ames, as soon as they give you meds and your labor gets going, you’ll puke it all up.  No bacon, no eggs.  They might allow Jell-o this early on though.”

                “Did you get Jell-o?” 

                “No, I labored at home for a reason – Bismuth made me steak and eggs.” 

                “You suck.”

                The doctor breezed in and examined Amethyst.  “Okay, you’re not quite there yet, but once you’re a little further along we’ll get that epidural for you.  For right now we’re going to start some saline and a medicine to help mature the baby’s lungs.” 

                “Will he be okay?” 

                “He’s early, but usually babies born at thirty-four weeks do well and I see no signs of trouble.” 

                “Was it that curry I ate last night?  It was pretty spicy.”  Amethyst put a hand on her belly as it moved. 

                The doctor shook her head.  “Sometimes we don’t know why women start labor early, but I doubt it was the curry.”

                “We also had sex last night,” Tani told her.  “Could that…”

                “God damn it, Tani…”  Jasper covered her eyes with her hand.

                Thankfully the doctor simply laughed.  “Possibly, but likely junior here just wanted to make his entrance early.  Think of him as an early Christmas present.”

                Jasper and Tani took turns talking to Amethyst and helping keep her comfortable while she labored.   It was late in the afternoon before an epidural was possible, but even that didn’t seem to help much as Amethyst changed position and squeezed Tani’s hand with each contraction.  “Last time I couldn’t feel anything, but this time I feel it.” 

                The friendly nurse had ended her shift at seven and was replaced by an older one who looked like she’d sucked on a lemon and only checked on them twice between then and eleven.  “Amethyst, your epidural hasn’t run out, you’re fine.” 

                “Then it must be in wrong because I feel it.”

                “You’re going to feel pressure.” 

“I shouldn’t be able to do this!”  Amethyst lifted her legs and moved them like she was pedaling a bicycle. 

“Then you need to give it time to work.”  The nurse huffed and left the room, but Jasper could hear her from the hall.  “Yeah, you’ll see this a lot – we call it ‘Hispanic panic’ – they tend to exaggerate when they’re not really feeling pain.”

                “Oh my God…”  Amethyst threw her hands up.  “I said ‘ _mi torta’_ one time!” 

                “I’ll handle this.”  Jasper marched over to the doorway.  “Hey, so your comment just now is not only very racist but uncalled for.  We’re not Latino – we’re Samoan, meaning we’re from strong, warrior stock.  So if my sister says she’s in pain then she’s in pain and we’d appreciate it if she could be kept as comfortable as possible.”

                The nurse gave another huff and turned.  “I’ll track down an anesthesiologist.” 

                “You do that.”

                However, by the time the nurse did so and the doctor checked Amethyst again, it was too late.  “If we fix the epidural now, it won’t take full effect until after the baby is here.” 

                “Oh fuck…really?” 

                “You’re at ten centimeters.” 

                “How?!  It took forever with Crystal!” 

                “A second baby sometimes doesn’t take as long.  Next contraction, you’ll be ready to push.”

                “Then get this thing out of my back…”

                The epidural needle was removed and Amethyst groaned as another contraction hit her.  “I can’t do this…” she panted. 

                “Yes you can – we’re warriors, remember?” 

                “No – you’re a warrior; I’m like a delicate island flower.”

                Tani grasped her hand and kissed it.  “You can do this, Ames.  I love you and you’re strong.” 

                That might’ve been the most helpful thing Jasper heard him say that entire day.  She grabbed Amethyst’s other hand.  “You can do this.” 

                Amethyst took a deep breath as another contraction started and the doctor told her to push.  “I can do this!” 

                Daniel Fetuao Faasoo was born at 12:02 AM on Christmas Day.  “Whoa, he’s a big one!” the doctor proclaimed over the baby’s loud cries. 

                “Yeah…”  Amethyst lay there breathing heavily.  “My vag is never gonna be the same.” 

                The doctor chuckled.  “I guarantee you, it goes back.” 

                A nurse let them know Daniel weighed eight pounds, fifteen ounces.  Amethyst shook her head.  “Yeah, there’s no coming back from that…” 

                Amethyst and Tani were allowed some time with their son and when her sister held him, it was obvious whatever pain she’d been feeling was slowly melting away.  “You’re beautiful,” she cooed to him.  “You look just like your daddy.”

                “We’re going to move him to the NICU for monitoring,” the doctor explained.  “We do this for every preemie, but I have to tell you he’s probably the healthiest thirty-four-week-er I’ve ever seen.  He can probably go home in a few days.”

                “He’s premature and almost nine pounds…how heavy was he gonna be you think?” Amethyst asked.  “I feel like I had an orgy with like ten rhinos…I mean, I never have, but I think I now know that pain.”

                “We’ll set up a cot so his dad can stay with you,” the nurse said. 

                Jasper sighed and stroked her nephew’s hair before he was wheeled off.  “I am going to text Greg that I’m on my way home and I’m going to go get some sleep.”  She hugged Amethyst and Tani.  “I love you guys – if you need anything let me know.” 

                “Go, get sleep.  Hug your kid,” Tani told her.  “Thank you for helping.” 

                She told them goodnight and sent a quick text to Greg as she took the elevator down and stepped out into a winter wonderland.  Fresh snow lay over the roads.  Jasper sighed and raked her fingers through her hair.  Maybe she should just…no, she wanted to be in her own bed tonight with Greg and wake up in the morning to see the delighted faces of both kids as they opened gifts.  She texted Greg again: ‘ _Make sure Santa comes tonight_.’ 

                ‘ _Already done,_ ’ came the reply.  ‘ _I love you_.’ 

                Jasper smiled and typed: ‘ _I love you too_.’  She got into her car and let it heat up a little before getting on the road.  She turned up the radio even though she didn’t have terribly far to go.  “Jingle Bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock…” she sang out of tune, but didn’t care.  Loud music and singing helped her stay awake as her car went up a hill.  “Come on, car, you can make it.” 

                And it did, she crested and tried her best to slowly make her way down the other side, turning the wheel as she started to skid, slowly… “Shit, come on!” 

                The car slid and she turned the wheel more in a desperate attempt to correct as her tires found a patch of road that the cold had transformed into a sheet of ice sending her careening down the hill.  That’s when she hit the brakes as she saw the light pole getting closer.  The breath that had caught in her throat erupted as a scream from her cut off by the crunching of metal and bones…the shattering of glass…and the chill of wind hitting her right before the steering column did. 

                And then came the darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow...I bet you're all wondering what happens. 
> 
> Well, the next chapter is the last, so all will be revealed! :)


	32. Til Death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now our dramatic conclusion.

** Chapter 31 – Till Death **

                Jasper’s eyes fluttered open and she ran her fingers along the fine cotton pillowcase.  She tried to remember what had filled her mind while she slept, but it stayed out of her grasp.  An arm wrapped around her from behind and she smiled as the love of her life snuggled against her.  “I think I had a weird dream…”

                “About what?” he asked in that deep voice that made warmth pool in her chest.

                “I don’t know.”  She sighed at the feeling of his fingers in her hair.  “I’ve missed you…”

                “You could say you’ve…Bismuthed me…” 

                Jasper buried her face in the pillow and groaned.  “I didn’t miss those jokes.”  Why had she missed him?  “That was one long-ass deployment.”  She turned and faced him.  “Is it Christmas morning?”

                “Yeah…I’d say we have about two minutes before our kid comes in here.” 

                “Did Santa come?” 

                “Presents aren’t what’s important.” 

                “I don’t think kids are going to see it that way.”  Jasper threw off the comforter and rolled out of bed.  God, she couldn’t remember the last time she felt this energized and refreshed after sleeping.  She grabbed a red sweater dress and black leggings from the closet then discarded her pajamas.

                “You’ve never looked more beautiful,” Bismuth breathed as he got up and stripped off his T-shirt.  “Your hair is like snow.”

                Jasper bit her lip.  “You don’t look so bad yourself.”  She turned and glimpsed herself in the mirror, running a hand along her washboard abs.  When the hell did those come back?  Why were her boobs so perky?  Why was she even questioning it?  She looked hot…her long white hair falling full down her back…her skin adorned with tattoos.  “Can I just walk around naked?  Because I swear this is the hottest I’ve ever looked.” 

                “I mean, I’m all for it, but your dad is probably in the kitchen making coffee and pancakes, so…it’s your call.” 

                “Since when can my dad cook?”  She slipped into the leggings.  “Wait…my…my dad?”  Why did that fact surprise her?  Why wouldn’t she see her father on Christmas?  Of course he was there.  “What about Mom?” 

                “Not yet, but she’ll be here soon.” 

                Jasper slid the sweater dress over her head.  She guessed her mom…had to be coming from the airport.  Of course.  She wondered if Aunt Masina would be coming with her.  Wouldn’t that be something!  “Amethyst?” 

                “It’ll be a while before she gets here.” 

                “Oh…”  Well, she supposed that made sense considering she’d just had a baby…duh, she’d just had a baby last night.  Jasper would be surprised if she was released from the hospital today at all.  Maybe she should go visit a little later. 

                She stepped out of the bedroom and inhaled the heavenly scent of coffee.  She shut her eyes for a second trying to figure out why everything seemed so familiar and yet so off.  She put a hand to her ear in an attempt to silence a faint, high pitched whine that had settled there.  Once downstairs, she smiled at the Christmas tree shining as a beacon of hope and peace…of warmth and love. 

                “Hey, Baby Girl!” 

                “Dad!”  Jasper ran over to him as he came out of the kitchen and hugged him tight.  It felt like forever since she’d seen him…as though she’d thought she’d never see him again, but here he was holding her.  

                “You want coffee?” 

                “That sounds good.” 

                “Hey, Mom.”   

                How was it that voice didn’t sound familiar?  She turned and for a second didn’t recognize the boy who looked a lot like Allie with a skin tone somewhere between hers and Bismuth’s and a perfect mix of their features.  He had to be close to Allie’s age.  She heard a buzzing in her ears as she struggled to remember, then smiled as soon as it was gone.  Of course…he was one year older than Allie.  Jasper wrapped her arms around him.  “Merry Christmas, Michael.”

                Allie…where was Allie?  She felt Bismuth’s hand on the small of her back sending that tingling through her she’d missed so much.  Her face fell again as she heard a small, high pitched whine and the buzzing again.  Her eyes flickered again to the tree and a bare branch where she knew their wedding ornament should be.  She remembered hanging it…yes, she had taken it out of the drawer and Greg had…

                Jasper’s eyes widened.  “I was decorating the tree…”  Over the buzzing she remembered hearing a knock at the door.  “There were soldiers…two soldiers in uniform…” 

                Greg had insisted she hang the ornament – to honor Bismuth’s memory. 

                Her eyes fell on the desk – on the bare spot where her father’s urn had once stood.  She remembered sitting on the hospital floor sobbing for what seemed like forever.  She remembered both of them…how much she’d loved them…how much she missed them. 

                Jasper looked over at Michael and felt a tear roll down her cheek.  They didn’t have blankets small enough, so the nurse had wrapped him in some soft gauze padding and Jasper remembered holding him in the palm of her hand.   “Am I…gone?  Like _gone_ gone?” 

                “It’s a shock at first, especially when it happens suddenly,” Bismuth told her.  “I mean, here I was all prepared to come back to you and in an instant, I’m here and there’s Michael…and I’ve seen some of my family.  It takes a little getting used to, but it’s great.”  He held her hands.  “I’m so happy we’re together again.”

                “I was driving…”

                Her father placed a hand on her shoulder.  “You died in a car accident.” 

                What the hell?  “No!  It…it can’t just END like that!  I had plans for like…Tuesday!”  She pulled away from them, shaking her head.  “What is that?!  Everything I’ve been through and I die in a car crash?!  The fuck?!  The actual mother-loving FUCK is THAT?!” 

                “Jasps…”  Bismuth moved her away from her father and Michael.  “I know this is hard…a shock, like I said…”

                Her eyes squeezed shut as the buzzing in her ears seemed to get louder.  “This can’t happen…I had…what about Allie?  She…she needs me…she needs her mom.  And Steven…” 

                “Steven?  Who…”

                “And Greg!”  Oh God…his wife had died in a car accident.  She had plans with Greg…she loved Greg. 

                “Jasper, I love you and I want you to stay.”

                There was a part of her heart that loved Bismuth still…she always would.  “I love you too.” 

                “I meant what I said – the vows when we got married.  I wanted – still want – to stay by your side, to love you and cherish no matter what.” 

                Another tear rolled down her cheek as she nodded.  “I remember…I promised the same things…all of it and I meant it and I kept it…until death parted us.”

                “Don’t you see?  Death also brought us back together.  We can be together here – with your father and your son.  It won’t seem so long and your mother will be here…Amethyst, Allie, they may take more time, but we’ll all be together again someday.” 

                “Someday, yes, but I want to witness their lives.  I want to be there with them.”  She heard it again…the buzzing coupled with an uncomfortable tingling in her chest.  “When you died I was in a horrible place…even a year ago…if this had happened I probably would just say ‘okay’ and let it happen – give in.  But I spent the last year learning so much about myself and my goals and what I want out of life – LIFE…too much for it to end now, like this.” 

                Bismuth pressed his forehead against hers.  “Please…stay.” 

                Her eyes shifted again to the tree where a golden star dangled from one of the branches and reminded her of Greg’s shirt…the one she had first seen him in all those years ago.  He was the star to her comet.  She’d been wandering in the vastness of space and he’d pulled her in.  “I can’t,” she whispered.  She knew in this place there was love enough to go around and maybe someday she’d be here together with both Bismuth and Greg sharing in that love with both of them.  “I will see you again…I will and we’ll be together, but now is not my time.”  He leaned in to kiss her, but she pulled away.  The buzzing was louder…the feeling in her chest like a fire.  “Don’t…or I won’t have the strength to leave.”

                Jasper looked over at her father.  “I love you, Dad.  When Mom gets here, give her the biggest hug.” 

                “I will.  Love you too, Baby Girl.” 

                She wrapped her arms around Michael.  “I have always carried you in my heart.  I’ve never forgotten you and I’ll be back before you know it.” 

                He smiled at her.  “I’ll wait.” 

                Jasper hugged Bismuth close again.  “Hey, love you.” 

                “Love you too – until…” 

                “…until death brings us back together.” 

                “Go on…live.” 

                It was then the sensation in her chest erupted like fire as the buzzing overwhelmed her and everything disappeared in a burst of brilliant white light. 

*

                The first thing that came back to her was pain…in her chest, her head and her leg…and it felt good.  She knew in that moment she was alive.  Then came the realization that someone was holding her hand…not someone.  She knew this hand, she realized as her fingers curled around it.  She could smell the shampoo he used…she sensed his presence.  And if there wasn’t something in her mouth, she might have said his name.  Slowly her eyes opened, just a crack, and she closed them again at the harshness of the light. 

                “Jasps?  Jasper.”  Greg squeezed her hand.  “Can you hear me?” 

                All around her, she heard the beeping and hissing of equipment…machines recording her heartbeat…breathing for her…giving her medication.  She was alive, but knew she had to have been seriously injured and it took a moment for her drugged mind to remember the accident.  Oh God…her car…

                _Your car, you idiot?_   She scolded herself.  _What about your BODY?_

                She felt Greg’s fingers stroking her hair.  Good, she still had hair.  _Why the fuck wouldn’t I have hair_? she asked herself. 

                “You’re gonna be okay.  You wake up when you’re ready.  I’m right here.” 

                Jasper knew she was fading in and out and couldn’t tell if hours or days were passing.  It was a blur of semi-consciousness and darkness.  She saw Greg…nurses…doctors…but couldn’t say anything as they talked about surgeries she’d already had…as they moved her from wherever she was, she suspected to do another operation.  She woke up with her knee burning, opening her eyes ever so slightly and gazing over at a nurse near her bed.

                The nurse smiled.  “You did well.  We’ll take that tube out soon and decrease your medicine so you’re less sleepy.”

                Jasper raised her hand, gently tapping the nurse’s arm to get her attention and then pointed down toward her own knee. 

                “Are you in pain?”  When she nodded the nurse pressed some buttons on a box connected to her IV pole.  “We just operated.  I upped your morphine for you.” 

                She pointed to the side of the bed Greg was usually on. 

                “Oh, your husband?  He’s talking to the surgeon outside, but he’ll be back in a minute.  You rest – that’s how you heal.  Rest.”

                Husband?  That wasn’t right…but she liked the sound of that.  She struggled to stay awake, but felt herself pulled down into darkness, spinning like Alice down the rabbit hole before she could see Greg again. 

*

                When her eyes opened, she felt more alert and realized the breathing tube was gone.  She winced as she swallowed.  Her throat felt dry and sore.

                Greg squeezed her hand and gave her a relieved smile.  “Jasper.”  With his other hand he stroked her hair.  “How are you feeling?” 

                She tried to talk, but coughed first, her voice finally coming out raspy.  “Water.” 

                He put a straw to her lips and let her get her fill of water.  “Do you remember what happened?”

                “I crashed my car.” 

                “We’ll get you a new one.”  

                “I missed Christmas?” 

                Greg nodded, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder.  “And New Year’s.  They had you in a medically induced coma, then on strong painkillers for a few days.  It’s January fourth.” 

                She moved, trying to sit up, but he stopped her, pressing a button to raise the head of the bed.  “Did I die, Greg?” 

                “Well, your heart stopped when you were first brought in, but they got it going again.” 

                “My face…”  Jasper touched her nose, which had a splint on it and her eyes felt bruised. 

                “You slammed into the steering wheel console pretty hard – in fact, if you hadn’t been wearing a seat belt, you probably wouldn’t be here or you’d have brain damage.  You broke your nose and your cheekbone.  You also broke a couple of ribs and bruised your heart.”

                “That’s possible?”

                “Apparently.”  Greg shrugged.  “The doctor says it’s the equivalent of having a small heart attack, so you need to be careful for a little while to make sure the damaged muscle heals itself.”   

                “But the airbag…”

                “It didn’t work.” 

                “That’s its job – to work.  Its entire reason for being is to work.  I should sue.”

                “I thought as much,” Greg said.  “Amethyst already got in touch with your lawyer friend who gave her some recommendations for people who take care of that sort of thing.  And he said he’s praying for you.” 

                Jasper smiled.  “That sounds like him.  Amethyst…the baby.” 

                “They’re fine – home now.  He _is_ a fat boy, I’ll give him that.  Allie has been to visit a few times, but she’s at her aunt’s house now.” 

                She looked down and saw her left leg surrounded by a very severe-looking brace.  “I fucked it up, didn’t I?”

                “Yeah – one operation to set the bones with pins and plates and another on your knee.  The doctor said it will heal and with physical therapy you’ll be able to walk on it, but you’ll probably never run a marathon again.”

                Jasper leaned her head back against the pillow and sighed.  “I guess any kind of hard exercise is over, huh?” 

                “I’m sure they’ll go over all that with you.  He did mention low impact – like water exercises – would be okay once everything is healed.”  Greg kissed her hand.  “I’m just so happy you’re alive.” 

                “I died, Greg…like really died.  I saw Michael…and my father…and Bismuth.”  Tears came to her eyes and she winced, wiping them away carefully.  “And the only thing I could think about – all I wanted – was to come back…to Allie and Steven…and you.  All those years of wanting to see my husband again and in the end I couldn’t stay with him.” 

                “When death parts you, life goes on.  You lived Jasper; you learned to love again…there’s nothing wrong with that.”

                She laughed lightly.  “The nurse called you my husband.” 

                Greg grinned.  “Well, I had to say something to get in to see you – it’s immediate family only.  Allie is just a kid and your sister was in the hospital herself.” 

                “I love you…so much.  So much that I gave up eternity with the man I thought was the love of my life to come back to you.  Maybe it’s possible to love more than once.  It’s possible for it to happen twice in a lifetime.”

                “I’ve felt that, too.  I haven’t been this happy with someone since Rose.  The thought of losing you the same way…I don’t think my heart could have taken it.” 

                Jasper took a breath and let it out slowly.  “You know what I think?  I think life is short and you never know when it’s going to be over.  And maybe I have a bit of a concussion or it’s the pain meds, or I’m just crazy, but I don’t want to walk through life alone.  I don’t want to be without you and I think if you lied to get in here to be with me…then we should make an honest man out of you.” 

                “Jasper…are you…” 

                “Greg Universe – will you marry me?”

                His shock quickly turned into a grin.  “Yes.  Of course I will.  And you’re going to get out of this hospital and you’re gonna walk down the aisle unaided.”  He tenderly kissed her forehead.  “You’re going to make the most beautiful bride…”

*

** Eleven Months Later **

                They’d set the date for November 19th – exactly nineteen years after the first time they’d ever met.  The club was happy to oblige, being that they were usually not too busy on a Tuesday and Greg had paid them well to rent the place for their wedding. 

                Jasper stood in front of a full length mirror in a back room looking at herself in the white _puletasi,_ the neckline adorned with beads and shells matching the trim on the sleeves.  It may have been simple, but she finally had a white wedding dress.  And damn, the way it hugged her curves…she looked good.  Her hair was braided back, half up – adorned with blue flowers – and half of it fell in white waves down her back.  Amethyst had done her makeup perfectly.  

                “Okay, here is something borrowed.”  Lacy handed her a pearl necklace.  “Your dress is new and your flowers are blue – oh!”  She pulled a dime from her purse.  “A silver sixpence in your shoe.”

                Jasper looked down at her strappy sandals…months of physical therapy and walking now came very naturally, though her knee bothered her from time to time, especially if the weather changed.  However, high heel shoes were still a no.  That was okay – she was tall enough to begin with.  She slid the dime between the sandal and the ball of her foot.  “I hope it stays.”

                “Something old!”  Allie chimed in.

                Amethyst was over by her sister in a heartbeat.  “I have just the thing.”  She unwrapped the wooden comb from the handkerchief she kept it in.  “Mom would want you to wear it today.” 

                A lump rose in Jasper’s throat as she lovingly touched the shell and pearl in the middle.  “I wish she could be here.” 

                “She is.” Amethyst fixed the comb among the braids at the back of Jasper’s hair.  

                They’d gotten the news in March that one day Penina had gone to sleep and never woke up.  Jasper recalled how terrified she’d been in the mere seconds it took for her car to slide down the hill and ram into the pole.  She supposed if her mother had to die, at least it was peaceful and she wasn’t scared.  She’d simply drifted off and woken up next to her husband on the other side where her memory was still in tact and her body was free of age and disease.

                Lacy smoothed out the front of her orange _puletasi_ that looked a lot like the one Jasper owned.  “I have to admit…orange is not my color.”

                Amethyst had made three matching ones – she and Allie wore the other two.  Her sister ran her hands along her curves.  She’d lost about twenty pounds after Daniel was born, keeping a fuller figure, but feeling much healthier as her blood sugar levels dropped to a normal range.  She sighed, placing a hand on her stomach.  “I’m not looking forward to getting fat again…”

                She was due in June.  Both her and Tani were elated at expanding their family.  Amethyst looked at Crystal who, after living with her father for most of the past year and going to private school, had calmed down.  Still, Amethyst knelt down as she handed her the basket of flower petals.  “Best behavior.”  She kissed Crystal’s cheek.  “Love you.”

                Crystal ran up to Allie.  “Nadima found a scarf that matched my dress.” 

                Jasper whispered to Amethyst.  “How is Nadima doing?” 

                “I mean, the chemo takes a lot out of her and they’re all nervous about the future, but today’s a good day.  She was able to make it here, after all.” 

                “Tubaz said the cancer was very aggressive.” 

                “Yeah, but Nadima’s a badass, so she’s ready to fight.  Hey, think about something happy – like the fact that it’s your wedding day.”  Amethyst shoved the blue and white bouquet in her hands.  “So let’s get you married.”

                Jasper peeked out at the club, half of which was set up for the wedding.  They had a floral arch set up on the stage where the pastor waited.  Greg stood off to the side of him next to his cousin, Andy, who served as his best man, Tani and Steven.  God, he looked so hot in his tux…Jasper just wanted to take him to the backstage area and…wait, they’d already done that and she wasn’t sure her knee could handle it now.

                Lacy gave a signal to the pastor and the DJ.  Jasper watched as her best friend, her sister and her daughter walked out of the room, preceding her down the aisle.  She felt a tug on her skirt and looked down.  “What is it, Crystal?” 

                “You look pretty.”

                “Thank you.  And remember…” she poked her nose, “…it’s not The Crystal Show.”

                “Mom says it’s your day.” 

                “Exactly.”

                Crystal smiled and made her way down the white runner between the chairs, demurely spreading petals along it while everyone ‘awwed’ at how cute she was.  Jasper had not chosen the bridal march, but instead Ode to Joy started playing as the pastor motioned for the guests to stand.  Fuck, why had she done this?  Why had they not just gone to the courthouse?  She was not used to being the center of attention and now all eyes were on her as she left the room and walked down the aisle.  Then she caught sight of Greg, of the ‘wow’ expression on his face, and was overcome with how much she loved him.  _She blinked to get rid of tears before they formed.  Do not cry, you will ruin your makeup,_ she told herself.  _Wait…didn’t Amethyst say it was waterproof?  Don’t chance it._

                She finally joined Greg up at the front and smiled at him.  He gazed at her with adoring eyes and whispered.  “You’re beautiful.”

                They’d waited for this day, planned for it and now the moment was finally here.  The pastor looked between them.  “Now, both Greg and Jasper have told me they aren’t much for long speeches, but they did tell me the story of how they met and it was in this club nineteen years ago.  Both of them lost and searching for something.  Neither thought after their brief encounter they’d ever see each other again, but after years of happiness and sorrow, gains and losses, they found each other again.  Just like that night, it was right at a time when they needed a friend – a best friend – and that friendship became love.  Today, we celebrate that love.  Greg and Jasper, if you are ready, please join hands as you make a solemn promise to one another today.” 

                Jasper gave her bouquet to Lacy as she and Greg held hands.  Greg cleared his throat.  “I, Greg Universe, take you, Jasper Palamo, to be my wife.  I promise to honor and respect you in good times and bad, in poverty and in prosperity, in sickness and in health and to be faithful only to you.  I promise all my love to you, until death do us part.”  He accepted the ring from Andy.  “I give you this ring, an unbroken circle of gold as a reminder of the vows we made today.  May this ring always embrace your finger as my love embraces you.”

                She smiled and squeezed his hand, looking up into his eyes.  “I, Jasper Palamo, take you, Greg Universe, to be my husband.  I promise to honor and respect you in good times and bad, in poverty and in prosperity, in sickness and in health and to be faithful only to you.  I promise all my love to you, until death do us part.”  Lacy gave her the gold band she’d picked for Greg.  “I give you this ring, an unbroken circle of gold as a reminder of the vows we made today.  May this ring always embrace your finger as my love embraces you.”

                The pastor reached his hands over theirs.  “By the power vested in me, by the state of New York I now pronounce you joined for life.  You may now seal your union with a kiss.” 

                Greg pressed his lips softly against Jasper’s as everyone clapped and cheered.  Jasper placed a hand on his cheek, her thumb grazing the fuzz of his beard as she pulled away.  She’d found her star – the one who gave her a glow, a joy that everyone could see, especially today. 

                The light refreshments were served buffet style and the cake stood off to the side waiting to be cut.  Andy came up to Jasper while she was mingling.  “So, Greg tells me you’re keeping your own name.   You’re one of those modern dames, huh?” 

                “I guess you could put it that way.” 

                Andy turned to his cousin.  “Make sure she shaves her armpits.”  He patted Greg on the arm and walked away. 

                “He’s…something,” Jasper commented. 

                Greg laughed.  “Yep, just have to figure out what.”

                She heard Lacy chatting at a nearby table.  “When Carlos and I got married, I accidently said ‘wing’ instead of ‘ring’.  I was hoping no one heard, but everyone at the reception kept elbowing me and teasing: ‘with this wing’...” 

                Nadima’s light laughter came from that direction.  “Well, in Muslim weddings the imam asks the bride three times if she consents to be married.  I guess everyone assumed I knew this…or maybe I forgot, but either way, the bride is supposed to decline the first two times.  I immediately say ‘yes’ the first time and everyone busted up laughing.  I think even the imam was holding it back.” 

                _She’ll be okay_ , Jasper thought.  She recognized another strong woman when she saw one.  Jasper waved at Garnet and Topaz from across the room as they sat at a table in the corner.  _Well, I guess Garnet and I are both newlyweds_.  They’d had a Halloween wedding just a few weeks ago.  It had been fun going in costume and pigging out on sweets all night. 

                Jasper ran her hands down her waist, settling on her hips.  Maybe she wasn’t perfect, but upper body lifting, swimming and bike riding still kept her pretty fit so that every once in a while – like tonight or all next week on their honeymoon cruise – she could give into temptation. 

                 “We decided on the Caribbean,” she heard Greg tell a guest.  “We’ve never been and it’ll beat this cold.”

                “I think they should let us go, too,” Allie said. 

                “Someday.”  Jasper put her hands on Allie’s shoulders.  “Maybe this summer we can make our trip a cruise.” 

                 She looked around at all the people – her friends, family, loved ones – who had come to her wedding and recalled again the night she’d died.  She remembered being surrounded by the loved ones she’d lost and felt blessed once more that she was given a second chance to be with the people she loved in life.  Greg found her and squeezed her hand.  Like a comet and a star they’d come together again and she was never going to let go of her hold on him. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BUT WAIT...there's an epilogue - keep reading! ;)


	33. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we have come full circle.

** Epilogue **

**June – Four Years Later**

                “You nervous for your big day?”  Greg asked. 

                “Are you kidding?  It’s what I prepared for.  Do you think this suit looks okay?” 

                “You look like a ball-busting, bad-ass CEO bitch,” Allie told her. 

                “Just what I was going for.”  She and Lacy had bought matching suits for this occasion, but Jasper chose an orange silk scarf while Lacy had picked a pink one, then had to go back and exchange it for blue because they were instructed that pink was ‘Primrose’s color’.   Jasper looked in the mirror, smoothing her hair and smiling.  She’d worn this suit to her graduation last week as well.  “I never imagined when we started this it would get this big.  It began as a small crisis center and now with this expansion…I can’t believe I’m actually running my own women’s shelter.” 

                “With Lacy,” Allie added. 

                “Well, okay, yeah – her too, but I’m the one with the degree, so Primrose is appointing me the CEO and Lacy is the COO.” 

                “So, she’s below you?  Like a vice president?” 

                “Exactly.” 

                “That is so cool!”  Allie smiled showing off her beautiful teeth. 

                Jasper wondered where the time had gone as her daughter was almost as tall as she was and she would be seventeen in August.  Now, she looked more grown up than ever wearing a dark blue dress paired with a black bolero jacket.  Her makeup was perfectly done and Jasper could hardly believe she was about to be a senior in high school.

                Steven, who looked sharp in a suit that matched his dad’s, was back for the summer from college.  He’d shot up over the past few years, but still had a youthful spirit and jovial outlook on life.  “This place looks great.”

                The cafeteria had been set up for a party to celebrate the expansion of their crisis center.  The smaller office in the other part of town would still be available for counseling, violence intervention and other services, but now they had a full fledged shelter where anyone fleeing abusive situations could stay until they were able to get on their feet.  Already, important members of the community were seated at the small tables.  “You guys better sit down; the press is arriving.” 

                Jasper took her seat up at the front beside Lacy.  She looked over at the Diamantes, smiling politely.  This was honestly not where she thought her life would be at this point, but in a good way.  She’d joined the Army to make a difference in the world.  She’d wanted to make life better for women – to bring peace and safety to a war-torn area.  But there were wars to be fought here at home too and through this, she was doing exactly what she’d set out to do.  And she’d expanded her scope to include all people. 

                Primrose took her place at the podium.  “Good evening and welcome to our new crisis center and safe-house.  Close to five years ago I met with two extraordinary women who had a vision of helping others escape, cope and heal from situations much like ones they themselves experienced.  They saw pain in the world that they recognized from their own lives and decided to stand up and do something.  The Diamante Corporation has given them our support and guidance in going ahead with these plans and over the last three years, The Jameela Center downtown has helped thousands of people going through abuse and domestic violence.  We’re pleased to announce the opening of Jameela’s House, a safe haven for those looking to heal from their suffering and start over.  Here to talk about their project are the women who will be running both centers, Jasper Palamo and Lacy Cortez.”

                Jasper took her place at the podium – speaking publicly no longer made her nervous.  Rather, it gave her power.  She remembered Sergeant McCoy telling her: ‘ _If you say anything there will be consequences_.’  At the time she hadn’t realized it, but he was right.  In speaking out, good consequences came of it.  “Hello.  As the new CEO of The Jameela Project, I’d like to welcome you tonight to the open house of our new safe haven, which will open tomorrow.  Much like our crisis center downtown we will offer counseling, abuse intervention, group support, legal counsel and education about sexual assault, the importance of consent and self defense.  In addition to these services, Jameela’s House has an on-site clinic where medical care can be received, a hundred beds for those needing a safe place until they get back on their feet, job training and help with placement and assistance in finding a place to live.” 

                “All of these services are offered free to those in need,” Lacy stated.  “We are supplied by generous benefactors, government grants and donations from other groups and individuals.  As a show of good faith and because we are independently financially secure, Jasper and I agreed that our would-be salaries go directly back into the program.  This is something we are passionate about – something we believe in and the greatest reward is when a person comes back to us months or years after a horrible event and tells us that we changed their lives.  We decided that is all the payment we need.  Our doors are open to all regardless of race, religion, social status, sexual orientation, gender – we are here to help all in our community who need it.  We will take questions if you have them.” 

                A member of the press raised his hand.  “What does the name ‘Jameela’ mean?” 

                Jasper smiled.  “It’s an Arabic name meaning ‘beautiful’.  When I was held captive in an Iraqi prison that was the name they gave me – the one I was known by through two months of horrible abuse.  Even when I came home, that person trying to cope with these things was a part of me and she is still.  It never goes away, but you can heal and I found myself on a journey to healing where I finally made peace with that part of me named Jameela.  During our first meeting with Mrs. Diamante, she said she admired us for turning our tragedies into something beautiful and when I heard that I knew there was only one name for our project.” 

                They finished with a few more questions and closing remarks and then let everyone know they were free to take a look around and that light refreshments were being served.  She turned to Lacy.  “I see Carlos made it.  Where’s Skylar?” 

                “Home with the baby.” 

                “She could have dropped him off with Amethyst – I mean, she’s watching the five of her own and Tubaz’s kids.”  Jasper waved at him from across the room.  “She probably wouldn’t notice one more crawling around.”  She held back a snicker imagining Tani picking up a mostly-white baby from among the brood and asking Amethyst if they’d adopted one.

                Lacy scoffed.  “I told Skylar when she made the decision to keep him that she was responsible for that child.  I thought I educated her well; she knew she could come to me to talk about things or get birth control, but she decided to go out and have unprotected sex, she lives with the consequences.  You’re lucky Allie doesn’t have a wild streak about her.” 

                “Oh, she does, just not in that department.”  In fact, Allie had just broken up with her boyfriend of a few months after he wouldn’t stop pressuring her.  Actually, what she’d said was that she reminded him she was a black belt in karate when he attempted to make a move on her.  Recently, she’d talked about a girl in her class she thought was cute.  Jasper encouraged Allie to talk to her, but hadn’t heard any kind of outcome.  Steven was still dating Connie.  “I envy Dr. Maheshwaran though – she’s got an amazing kid with a good head on her shoulders, you know.  Connie is already taking some college classes to get ahead.” 

                “Yeah, we can’t all be that lucky.  Skylar’s last report card was abysmal.  I told her ‘these aren’t college grades; these are stripper grades – is that what you want – to be a stripper’.  Though, Rubeus did get that scholarship so we don’t have to pay for college, which is nice.  Of course, we don’t have to pay for Kyle’s either…”  She looked down into her plastic glass of punch.  “I wish we were serving something stronger.”

                Jasper reached over and squeezed her shoulder.  “It’s normal to worry for him – we both know what it’s like over there, but we just have to hope for the best.” 

                She made her way through the crowd and stood next to Tubaz.  “Hey, how are you holding up?” 

                “Good.  I would not miss this.  You have done well for yourself.” 

                “So…are you dating anyone?”  It had been two years since Nadima passed away and though she knew his children made him happy there was a joy missing from his eyes since then. 

                “No.  It doesn’t really work that way.  I was thinking of maybe asking around at the mosque to see if anyone knew a woman who was interested.” 

                Jasper smiled.  “You know, you don’t have to have an arranged marriage.  I mean, you could date online – if they Christian dating sites, there must be Muslim ones.” 

                “I don’t know…”

                “Or a friend could set you up with someone.”

                “Like I set you up with Abriq?”

                She laughed.  “I almost forgot about that, but no, I’m not acquainted with any single Muslim women, unfortunately.”

                “It’s hard to find one who doesn’t want children of her own.  I have three and I’m done.  Nadima and I made sure of that and I’m not having the procedure reversed.”

                “Well, you don’t have to tell her.”  Jasper shrugged.  “You can just be like ‘I don’t know why we’re not getting pregnant’.” 

                He shook his head, but gave an amused laugh.  “That would be dishonest.”

                “I should go mingle, but I’ll see you later.”  She walked off through the crowd, saying hello to friends and acquaintances…also to other ‘important members’ of society whom she had no idea who they were or what they did.  She gave some additional brief statements to members of the press and arranged a couple of interviews. 

                “Jasper,” a voice said from behind her. 

                She turned and came face-to-face with someone she hadn’t seen in a while.  Somehow, it didn’t unnerve her after all these years and she smiled.  “Abi…I mean, Amira.” 

                “It’s Abida again.  I figured if I was changing my last name back after my divorce, I might as well change the first too.”  She wore less makeup – a more natural look – however, she also wore black pants and a blouse that matched the pink hijab with floral embroidery on it.  

                “I’m sorry to hear you’re divorced.” 

                “Yeah, well…” she paused and shook her head.  “It’s done wonders for my faith, I’ll say that much.  New me, renewed faith…I even transferred to our Empire City office, which was kind of a nightmare because I had to get permission to work in this country, but Taliha is teaching women’s studies at a university there, so at least we’re able to share an apartment.”

                “How’s Haniya?” 

                “Two more kids and her husband just got a promotion.  I guess that’s one thing I regret, not starting a family when I had the chance.”  Abida took a sip of her punch.  “I just turned thirty-five, so I’m a little hesitant to have kids of my own, but I wouldn’t mind a guy with a ready-made family, you know.  I could do that.” 

                A sound came from Abida’s purse – the opening to a song Jasper hadn’t heard in year’s, then a young voice singing as Abida dug the phone out of her pocket. _‘We were both young when I first saw you…’_ Abida looked at the screen.  “I have to take this.” 

Jasper raised an eyebrow.  She still liked Taylor Swift?  “Yeah, find me later – I have someone I’d like you to meet.”

 _‘I close my eyes and…’_   Abida nodded and slid her finger across the screen.  “Hello?” 

                Jasper smiled to herself and thought about her husband.  She remembered meeting him all those years ago and how they’d met again and fell in love.  She gazed across the room and watched him as he talked to Tubaz.  If love could find her twice in a lifetime…why not someone else, too?

**~Fin~**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow...I started this fic in the cold of December and finished in the heat of July...I can't believe it's finally done and that it has come full circle and I'd like to think is beautiful. 
> 
> I'd like to thank some of the guys I found online when I was trying a dating site - you inspired some of the early scenes especially. 
> 
> I'd like to thank my wonderful beta Tusked Lioness for taking this crazy ride with me - your input was amazing and I hope we both continue to churn out great fics. If you haven't read her work, it's good - you should look her up here on AO3. 
> 
> Huge thanks to Rebecca Sugar without whom we wouldn't have Steven Universe and this fic wouldn't be possible. 
> 
> I often write stories I would want to read myself, but I wouldn't be anywhere without my readers. Last but not least, THANK YOU - THANK YOU for sticking with this. I know it was long, but hopefully it was worth it. I don't know what I will write next as far as Steven Universe, but I promised everyone at Beach City Con during the fanfic panel I would write a My Little Pony Murder Mystery...so that's something I guess! 
> 
> Let me know your thoughts in the comments! <3


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